Mothers | Couples Therapy S5 E3-5 | Recap & Review | #couplestherapy #paramountplus

Added: 2026-05-28

[00:00:04]Welcome to It Takes Two. I'm Blair.

[00:00:06]>> And I'm Chris.

[00:00:06]>> Today we'll be talking about Coup's Therapy season 5 episodes 3 through 5.

[00:00:10]>> Listen, I need you to subscribe, like, share, comment, and hype the video.

[00:00:14]Blair, you ready?

[00:00:14]>> I'm ready.

[00:00:15]>> Walk us through this, please.

[00:00:16]>> All right. Marjorie and Jason.

[00:00:18]>> Oh boy.

[00:00:18]>> They didn't do the cat litter thing.

[00:00:20]>> Ooh.

[00:00:22]>> He didn't want anything to do with the cats. He felt like he got roped into doing this. He agreed to it. Then resentment took over and he just forgot about it.

[00:00:32]>> Oh, hey, hey, hey. What happened to be a man of your word? What happened to things are life and death for me? What happened to Blair? Make sure you do it at 7 o'clock. Okay. 7 o'clock Tuesday, you do it on What happened to that? You can't once you give your word to something, even though you may feel like while driving home, how the hell I got roped into doing cat litter? I wasn't doing this before.

[00:00:51]>> You agreed to it. I Hey, listen. You got to take accountability for that, Jason.

[00:00:55]Well, Ora is talking to her mentor, saying how she's struggling with Jason's rigidity. Changing the system around requires him to change some behaviors.

[00:01:04]And the mentor says that the wife has a shaming way of describing him. And Ora says she has an ineffective way of dealing with his rigidity.

[00:01:13]>> Well, Marjorie has trauma from her first marriage. It was verbally and emotionally abusive, and she knows that she's mean to her husband sometimes.

[00:01:21]>> And I wonder, is there any mean people in the comments? You ain't got to expose yourself, right?

[00:01:27]>> To where have there ever been a moment to where you hear yourself but you can't stop yourself?

[00:01:33]>> Yeah.

[00:01:34]>> To where you're just like, "Dang, that was mean or that landed kind of rough."

[00:01:40]>> And now it's too late now. You know, the person heard it. You know, you could always apologize, but >> but it seems like folks like that never want to apologize. They just want to go deeper. But >> I don't know.

[00:01:51]>> But here here's the thing about it. I think for people like that when when it comes out their mouth, especially since she came out of a verbally abusive marriage before she was married to Jason, I think it's just a second nature to her. I think it's like who she is.

[00:02:06]She probably don't she probably don't realize that this is how she come off, especially if the other person is adjusting to you. So now you don't even remember how it started. You just see it as it always been this way, you know?

[00:02:17]>> Well, we have an example where he made a lifestyle change. He is prioritizing protein, eating more vegetables, and he is losing weight. He's excited about it, and she is mean to him about it.

[00:02:30]>> Wow.

[00:02:30]>> She tells him it's annoying. All he talks about is his diet. She tells him to shut the f up. No one wants to hear this anymore. He feels alone in the partnership. Sometimes he'll use chat GPT to hold conversations asking if he did good today. And it's just a way for him to have some support. also something to kind of track his protein goals from his phone. He knows that she also tried the same weight loss medication, but she failed um because she didn't change her lifestyle to make the medication work effectively. She admits, well, he believes that she's resentful because he took it the first time and he made drastic changes.

[00:03:08]>> And she says she's not resentful. It just makes her feel bad about herself.

[00:03:13]>> Or explains that, well, that could lead to an attack. let's talk about it by way of listening. She prompts him to tell her about what bothers him about it.

[00:03:23]>> Jason says that when she dismisses him about something he's excited about, um, it's terrible. He's not bragging. He's sharing something that's hard to do and you know personally how hard it is and he wants the best for their family.

[00:03:35]Marjorie ends up crying. She feels bad that he doesn't feel supported. He wants the best for the family. Um, because she goes on to say it's his way doesn't mean that it's the only way. Mhm.

[00:03:46]>> Jason doesn't believe Marjorie is being sincere in the way she's expressing her feeling for him and empathy for him. And Ora tells him, you know, you have to consider the real person in front of you and don't miss out on real moments um by relying on chat GPT.

[00:04:03]>> What's your thoughts on this overall session right here with them with with these two? It took me back to I feel like we sprinkle this in in different episodes um because we're catching up on This Is Us, but it reminds me of like Kate and her husband with This Is Us and this in this particular scene cuz even though we're doing a review, like this is kind of where we chat free ball because you know this is a this is one of our favorite shows.

[00:04:26]>> So with that show, her husband number one, Kate's husband was sneaking around at night to go to the gym. Going to jump >> saying, "Hey, I'm doing my grocery shopping."

[00:04:37]>> Exactly.

[00:04:38]>> Yeah.

[00:04:38]>> And there was one particular scene to where he had lost enough weight. He had these bigger pants. He was getting ready to throw them away. And she said, "Why would you throw those away?" And he said, "Well, I lost the weight." And she's like, "Well, you don't want to keep them just in case. Just in case I gained the weight back."

[00:04:54]>> Hit him right on top of the head, man.

[00:04:55]Like, I just don't >> like you don't support me. You don't believe in me. Like, that is infuriating. So, it just brought me back to um just kind of like that scene, that series of things that happened in This Is Us. And I was like, "Marjorie, you're wrong. Girl, you're wrong."

[00:05:11]>> And I understand how hearing about somebody's success or how they're moving forward in something could make you not feel as great internally. But to me, that is a internal personal issue that you need to work with by yourself. You don't bring somebody down because you feel a way about it. like you don't externalize that or put them down or tell them to shut up about their accomplishments because you're failing at something. So, I I just feel like she needs to do a better job of just kind of regulating herself because it's like she has no filter. She goes off him on him whenever she wants to. Not to say he's the easiest person. I I think that he probably has his ways about him as well, but for her that to be her knee-jerk reaction like anytime like it's something she doesn't want to hear, like it just gives that she doesn't know how to regulate herself.

[00:05:59]>> Listen, I agree with everything you said, right?

[00:06:03]You can stand up for honorable causes.

[00:06:06]There's things that she cares about as he stated in the first couple episodes.

[00:06:10]He she cares about women rights. She cares about the LGBTQ plus community and things of that nature. But what does that matter if you're mean in the house in your everyday, right? That doesn't make you an honorable person for caring about all these other people. Granted, it's great to care about other people that have nothing to do with you, but the person that's literally right next to you >> that has to live with you every single day.

[00:06:35]>> You tell them, "Shut the f up." The minute he say, "I lost two pounds." And now he's talking to the computer.

[00:06:38]>> That's terrible.

[00:06:39]>> Like, like that doesn't make you a good person. Right? Now, that doesn't mean that you're a a a a maybe not good person because I don't want to color her as one thing. I because I don't want to criticize so much when they are in therapy.

[00:06:52]>> Exactly. Like clearly they're trying to get help. Right. So, so but the thing about it is you get used to that type of stuff. And I think Jason to the point where even when she said she feel bad and she's sitting there crying, he's kind of like I don't believe this like like this is abnormal for you. And and and I'd rather talk to the computer. You get what I'm saying? Um here's the thing about um >> here's the thing about marriage. And it's it's interesting that I think this way because I didn't think that I would actually think this way.

[00:07:29]>> Um I love calling Blair my wife, right?

[00:07:33]I love saying I'm married, right?

[00:07:36]>> But the term that I actually love the most, even though to everybody in public I say this is my wife, but the term that I really hold dear to me is partner, right? The reason why I love that term partner is because literally I cannot be successful without this other person.

[00:07:55]>> Some people find a way, even though it's not supposed to happen, to be independent while married. You get what I'm saying? To where they just like, that's my wife. She doing her own thing.

[00:08:03]It is what it is. But a partnership, meaning like we're tied to the hip.

[00:08:09]Meaning for it for us to be successful, for you to be successful, we have to be basically in a rhythm. We have to be our chemistry have to be A1. So that's why I I I I think they are living as I hear him going through his weight loss journey and she is not with him. That doesn't mean that maybe the way that he was trying to motivate her. I always say when things like that, you got to let them hit their rock bottom and motivate themselves and things like that. Because granted, as she said, which I agree, your way doesn't mean it's is the only way, right? It it doesn't mean that that my way is the best way, but it just seems like if we always doing things your way, your way your way, then like I kind of don't feel like it's a partnership. That's why I like that word partnership, right? Because depending on what you believe, depending on how you was raised, you may already put things to a wife character that necessarily is not true. Like for example, you may not believe that a wife may have a say in a marriage. You get what I'm saying? So you may be like, "That's my wife, and because she's my wife, based on my beliefs before I was married, I believe that she's supposed to listen to me and follow me and do whatever I say." But a partnership forces you to say, "Hey, we're on equal footing." It doesn't mean our footing look the same, right? It doesn't mean that we lead the same or even lead the same thing all the time. It just means that, oh, okay, I I lead this thing, you lead this thing. I follow this thing, you follow that thing. You say something about this, I say something about that.

[00:09:45]really play on each other's strengths and really like prop each other up to be able to do the things they need to do in their life. That is always going to benefit the partnership at the end of the day.

[00:09:55]>> Because if you already don't respect women or if you already don't respect men and things like that, you're going to come in with the idea of a wife should be this and she's a woman and she don't really have rights within the marriage and a man's supposed to be providing, protecting, and I'm not supposed to do anything to basically listen to him. That's why he's in the corner talking to the computer.

[00:10:12]>> You get what I'm saying? Let's keep going.

[00:10:14]>> All right. All right, now we move on to Nessa Andrea. Nessa wants continued progress in individuation, self- freedom, self- loveve, self-care. I just have to stop there because >> stop right there.

[00:10:25]>> It sounds like Nessa just wants to be single.

[00:10:27]>> Oh, no, no, no.

[00:10:28]>> Because we're we're in coup's therapy trying to figure out ways that we can work out the itches in our relationship.

[00:10:34]And Nessa, I feel like, isn't giving Drea anything to work on.

[00:10:37]>> She's just like, "You're just not it."

[00:10:40]and I am it and I need to have freedom from you because you're an anchor. So I'm just kind of like this doesn't give Drea anything any tangibles to really work on. I mean so she does talk about if Drea engaged in activities outside the house that would be nice but is that going to give you all the things you're saying that you need?

[00:11:03]>> No.

[00:11:03]>> So it's just like >> basically just get away from me for a little bit.

[00:11:06]>> That's that's what it sounds like to me.

[00:11:08]And Drea says, "Well, I thought you would have a list of things that this inshment was stopping you from because if it's really stopping you from things, then then like give me tangibles. Is there uh I mean, do you want to move for work? Like is there, you know, something when it comes to like a risk when it comes to finances? Do you want to invest in something that I'm holding you back from? Like what exactly are you talking about?" No, you just want to be away from me >> and that and that's then then we need to be changing the conversation. But Nessa said that she's lost sight of the what the things are um because they've been in this dynamic for so long.

[00:11:43]>> I just find I just don't know where Nessa's head is at. I don't >> That's so disrespectful. Let's Let's keep going.

[00:11:50]>> Well, Ora talks to her workg group.

[00:11:52]Nessa's having a hard time saying what she wants. Maybe it's bigger than Drea.

[00:11:56]Maybe it's something that will hurt Drea because like she's being vague. She's really not specifying what the issue is.

[00:12:02]>> Mhm. Well, NASA showed Drea a lot of first experiences with flying, going out of state, and Drea admits that she was living a small life before she got with Nessa. Yeah. And Nessa says it's fun.

[00:12:14]She loves traveling with her, but now she feels like she's shrinking if she is losing out on someone possibly for staying here. Is she ignoring a spiritual voice to leave this relationship >> or maybe to not be homosexual anymore?

[00:12:29]>> Oo, I ain't gay no more. I am delivered.

[00:12:32]>> Well, Nessa was raised Catholic. She grew up in a very anti-homosexual family. They ended up finding a non-denominational church when they were trying to have their child. Once they had their child, they wanted to dedicate her. And the day before, the pastor came to their house and said that he wouldn't be able to dedicate their daughter.

[00:12:51]>> Drea was talking about how her last miscarriage was rough. Um it was uh I think Nessa was the one who was caring and she was five months pregnant with twins and then to have a pastor come to their home saying that you know if I do this it could be received wrong by the church like it was very hurtful. And Drea didn't see why the bar was set at gay marriage but not single mothers or drug addicts.

[00:13:17]>> He compared their relationship and their family to his issue with corn.

[00:13:24]Nessa can't walk around with that much hate because um you know she that would change basically who she is as a person.

[00:13:31]But Drea does have some hate toward that bigoted church. Yeah.

[00:13:36]>> Or says you're making the issue internally instead of towards the bigot tree of the church is what she's basically telling Nessa. And Nessa is in a different part of her journey. Um even though you know she still struggles with this relationship.

[00:13:48]>> There's so much to unpack here. Um let's start with the homosexuality part, right?

[00:13:54]>> Yeah.

[00:13:54]>> Um at first I thought that she um was just being a regular person in the sense of I'm over this relationship.

[00:14:03]I want to talk to somebody new and that's why I'm being kind of vague in what I want. Right? What you want is very important. That's why a lot of people don't take the time to actually know what they want. Right? If I was to say, Blair, what do you want out of this marriage? I'm sure you're going to say things um well not you because we've been together for a long time but if you was to ask somebody who's in a relationship what do you want out of the relationship I'm sure they going to say some things that is very like you know I want to be happy I want to be together forever I want to do things like that and there's nothing wrong with those answers but the benefit of having a partner is literally being very specific even with the small things >> like what are we going to get together >> like like very specific hey I don't like >> your beard can you do something with your beard? You get what I'm saying?

[00:14:51]Something as trivial as that. That's the benefit of having someone that is that close to you, right? Or or or or just something as simple as this is what I want. I want to retire at this at this age. I want to work for this company. I want to do that. That's that's the don't be ashamed of what you want. And that's what I hear Nessa or rather I don't hear Nessa saying what she want. All the things that she's very specific about is that she don't want to be with the person that she's married to. That's the that's the most specific she's been.

[00:15:17]>> That's all we know. But outside of that, she just said, "I just want to travel. I just want to do things. I've grown.

[00:15:22]>> I want to be free.

[00:15:23]>> I want to be free.

[00:15:24]>> You make me small."

[00:15:25]>> And it sounds good. But at the end of the day, someone's going to ask you, "What do you want?"

[00:15:31]>> And how are you going to get there to what you want? You don't even have a plan of what you want or how to get there because you don't know where you're going. Mhm.

[00:15:39]>> But now that we starting to hear um things about basically how she grew up and now she's questioning not only the marriage, but she's questioning even homosexuality and and that internal battle. And it made me go back to the first couple episodes to where um she stopped performing during sex, but you know, she's Hey, listen here.

[00:16:01]She letting her wife perform on her though. Yeah.

[00:16:03]>> And she said she feel a little guilty.

[00:16:04]Now, at first I was like, how you feel a little guilty? You get what I'm saying?

[00:16:08]But now that we can now compound this with other information, she may feel a little guilty because she may feel like, I'm trying not to be gay no more.

[00:16:17]>> Do you get what I'm saying? And that's another battle. That's another internal battle. That's another chapter of like, okay, how can you? Because in my opinion, I do not believe that being gay is a choice.

[00:16:31]>> Hell, you just heard what they just went through with the church that they went through. No one would choose to go through that. You get what I'm saying?

[00:16:36]So, how do you with all the basically the family history that you have of your family not really being that accepting at first and then on top of that you're married to a woman.

[00:16:47]>> You went through everything, have this baby, the church didn't accept you. You thought you found a church that would accept you until hey, >> I liked it when y'all sat in the back of the church. But like once we bring you on stage and you you know we think that gayness is contagious thing. You know you y'all gonna be gay and y'all want me to basically dedicate y'all gay baby.

[00:17:06]Like it it's just so much that I can understand why she is battling things internally. But at the same time, right?

[00:17:14]I just find it very disrespectful that she is kind of condescending to a wife.

[00:17:21]>> She's very like like she's nothing.

[00:17:23]>> It's like I'm everything, you're nothing. and she brings nothing and she is like a waste of space and you make my life worse and like everything about you was horrible.

[00:17:32]>> It's just like is there anything good about me?

[00:17:36]>> It's terrible. But I will say that like I've said before the hard truths need to be told. So if we're in a space for us to tell the truth then this is the space for the truth to be told. And um we're going to see how they handle that like as we continue on in the conversation.

[00:17:52]But I but clearly Nessa is dealing with a a lot deeper of an issue outside of her relationship, just a personal, internal, spiritual um kind of religious situation um that she needs to figure out for herself. And it sounds like she's unclear and that's probably why she's being unclear and trying to relay her message.

[00:18:13]>> So Sienna and Chris, >> she's in a program now to where she has to be away from home during the week and she's only home on the weekends. He has the kids and sometimes Sienna gets angry and calls him out for being terrible for cheating on her and he just has to take it.

[00:18:27]>> Now when you heard program I'm thinking like this like some type of like rehab like some type of >> No, I thought I think they said it was like work or school.

[00:18:36]>> Oh, okay. Cuz when I hear Okay, I'm about to say like cuz at first when I heard I like you good.

[00:18:42]>> Oh, >> but Okay, sure.

[00:18:44]>> Yeah. Well, she went back to work um and that's when he started cheating before.

[00:18:48]She wants him to be open to talk to her about where he's at.

[00:18:51]>> Well, we learn more about his backstory.

[00:18:53]His mom was explosive. He didn't even want to um go there emotionally with anyone at all. His mom said to Sienna when they first met, um, I listened through the wall and heard you guys being intimate. This was a scary scary lady. She had no filters. His mother's mom was an alcoholic and also was bipolar.

[00:19:15]>> I hear you. His dad was the president of Levis's. They were married, had a big estate. They brought a tongan family to live with them in order to care for him because they could not be bothered with him.

[00:19:27]>> Mhm.

[00:19:27]>> His mom was great when he was young until his dad end up pass. Well, his dad had a stroke, had brain damage. He didn't pass away right away. And his mom would just unload all of her motions on him, emotions on him after she'd been drinking all night. just come in his room all hours of the night talking about how daddy's a vegetable and what am I going to do with my life and just all of this and he was 7 years old >> and um she would tell him you know I'm going to off myself when you're 21 and your and when your sister is 18 and she ended up also abusing the husband and trying to run him over.

[00:20:06]>> This lady was out of her mind.

[00:20:07]>> Yeah. The Tongan mother was there to basically try to keep him going, tell him his mom is sick and that you will get past this.

[00:20:15]>> His parents ended up getting a divorce.

[00:20:17]Him, his sister, and his mom lived together. She would chase him around the house with a butter knife. Um, she would basically break into the shower so she could see him and see his parts. And Ora asked him to slow down because she's overwhelmed. And she asks him, "How are you actually doing?" And while he's telling the story, his face is flushed.

[00:20:39]He's red. I mean, he's just kind of getting it out and spilling it out, but it it looks like his body is just like reacting to the stress of what he went through.

[00:20:48]>> He says he's fine. Um, telling the while telling the story, he didn't feel anything. Just kind of like he was just excited just to get out like how messed up all of that was.

[00:20:58]>> Yeah.

[00:20:58]>> Or asked him to take a second to check in in on himself and ask how did he feel as a kid? Well, he dissociated when he was a kid. He would um basically yell at his mom, tell her to pull it together.

[00:21:12]He would insult her and just kind of go into that state that Sienna talks about how he gets with her when they get into those arguments. And she recognizes it from the way that he's explaining how he used to get into it with his mom.

[00:21:24]>> I hear you.

[00:21:24]>> Um he said there was love there with the Tongan mom, but she was also an employee, so she was paid to be there.

[00:21:31]And the link to basically the cuddles is he pays for comfort and also for making someone basically someone feeling like um he's like a good person and um he starts crying thinking about how he hurt Sienna and how she's been there for him.

[00:21:48]They end up hugging.

[00:21:52]It's very hard to um because as an adult you're I I I hope but I'm I'm sure my brain is fully formed. It's not going to uh if if I'm if I'm not a genius now, it's not going to happen for you. Okay.

[00:22:10]>> When I hear stuff like that, especially dealing with kids, I am not a big I don't endorse um violence at all.

[00:22:18]Right. even though I used it as a tool growing up and things of that nature and I have no problem using it if I have to now as an adult but I that's not the first thing I go to right but when I hear about parents abusing their kids and things of that nature right at a very young age when I because of where I lived I was taught at a very early age at a age probably that I didn't have to probably at a age that I shouldn't have to learn this lesson this early I was learned very early to defend myself Right? Because I walked myself to school. I walked myself back to school ever since I was able to know to cross the street. You get what I'm saying? So basically at the age of five, basically.

[00:22:58]So I always had the the idea to always defend yourself towards anyone who's causing you harm. And there was an emphasis to anyone. You get what I'm saying? So I never had any fear of of even if it came down to it. If a family member is trying to hurt me, like you get what I'm saying, I'm going to defend myself. And I cannot imagine how a son would feel having to do that towards their mother, though. Like, that's a different type of like, do I defend myself? Do I try to snap them out of it?

[00:23:33]Because it's it's an abusive relationship because at certain points they can seem regular and then at other points they just seem the extreme, the very much extreme, especially breaking into the bathroom trying to see me naked. like you you're you are a different you're a different type of demon. You get what I'm saying?

[00:23:49]>> And and and I this would kind of add some character depth into him >> to where I don't know what's wrong with him.

[00:23:57]>> I just know something wrong with him. Do you get what I'm saying? Because a lot of things that happened to him, he couldn't defend himself against. A child shouldn't have to defend themselves against the things that happened to him.

[00:24:07]And it did kind of make me kind of feel like that's probably why he kind of like disassociate things. He He got to have a happy place that's not reality. You You get what I'm saying? He got to have a place that he goes to that's just not here. You get what I'm saying? Whenever he feels like he's in that fight orflight type of mode.

[00:24:25]>> Yeah. I mean, I really don't have much to say about it. I think it's awful. I think it's terrible what he experienced.

[00:24:30]I think that he probably needs some individual therapy. Um even though he's in this relationship, they have kids.

[00:24:36]So, you know, not to say that they shouldn't be doing couples therapy, but I mean, there's probably a lot of things that impact the ways that he navigates situation, thinks about things, maybe even PTSD, maybe just like his reactions and just kind of fight or flight mode, just things that he probably doesn't have control and how his body responds to things. Um, not to negate or to take accountability away from the fact that he cheated on this lady 100%. But I mean, a lot of things can lead up to an act. Like I feel like an act is an expression of where you are internally.

[00:25:11]And >> yeah, like Yeah. So that's pretty much all I have to say is that there's definitely work that needs to be done there. And if she's willing to allow the space for him to work it out and, you know, be there as a support to him, like this is marriage. You know what I'm saying? Like this is your partnership. This is your family. So, you're going to do everything you can, you know, as long as the person is not harming you in the process um to get them to where they need to be.

[00:25:36]>> 100%.

[00:25:37]>> So, we move on to episode four. Or has to decipher what people are trying to say when they bring up these psychological terms that they think they know. M >> so I think that kind of speaks to a lot of like the social media just the ways that a lot of us are being more like exposed to um you know therapy counseling you know all these different types of things which are helpful in reducing the stigma of um seeking help but also um using words in a way that maybe we or some people don't necessarily have the full understanding of and so ora has to get people to break down exactly what they mean. Um because it could differ from like the technical textbook terms >> like trigger, >> right?

[00:26:22]>> Like tri people love to use that word trigger and the minute that I hear that >> or even like trauma bonding because that's not you know bonding over trauma.

[00:26:30]It's like you know the person inflicting you know trauma on you and stuff like that.

[00:26:35]>> So like trigger I haven't heard Ara use that word or any other professional that I've talked to use that word or loosely use that word. You get what I'm saying?

[00:26:44]>> Yeah. Well, we go into Shay and Clinton.

[00:26:46]Clinton is Shay's youngest boyfriend.

[00:26:48]She usually dates men 15 years older.

[00:26:50]Younger men have always been immature and not stable. He makes her laugh, but she's also easily aggravated with him.

[00:26:57]Um, and he said that he started to unmask around her because he felt safe around her.

[00:27:02]>> Well, Shay says, "But the thing is, my friends don't want to be around him."

[00:27:05]>> Wow.

[00:27:06]>> He feels excluded, but it's something that he's used to. Shay says sometimes he uses ADHD and autism as the defense to grow.

[00:27:14]>> And Clinton tries to tell like it's kind of part of you being trans. Like that's who you are, your identity, and this is who I am and the things that I deal with.

[00:27:23]>> Yeah. He's like that's kind of like not fair because what if I use that same excuse when it come to you being I'm like he got a point.

[00:27:30]>> And Orna tells Shay she's on tricky grounds. Let's try to find another way to say it. Mhm.

[00:27:35]>> She says that he doesn't recognize how overwhelming he can be.

[00:27:40]>> An example was that she was packing for a work trip. She wanted a specific charger. He told her this other charger was fine. And he he was just like belaboring the point about this charger.

[00:27:51]>> Yeah.

[00:27:52]>> Or said, "Okay, talking to Clinton, what about trying to let things slide?" And Clinton is like, "But he wants to be heard."

[00:27:59]>> Or asked if he knows how to pick his battles. He says sometimes he also likes to offer alternatives and maybe if she said it nicely instead of angry um that she doesn't want the alternative then maybe it would be different and says well let's focus on choosing our battles and let's work on being less stubborn.

[00:28:18]>> Let's stop right here for a second.

[00:28:19]Right.

[00:28:20]>> Mhm.

[00:28:21]>> I like in this situation because she's not talking to Clinton the boyfriend.

[00:28:26]>> Right.

[00:28:28]>> While Sheay is judging Clinton the boyfriend.

[00:28:31]>> Yeah. He's he's a person, an individual first.

[00:28:34]>> He's a person with his own struggles, >> right?

[00:28:37]>> And not and struggles outside of just everyday struggles that majority of people go through. He have his own specific struggles that need specific solutions, >> right?

[00:28:49]>> So I wonder, right? Because at the end of the day, I really don't know what is making Shay date this man, right? So let's start with you never dated someone this young. Then on top of that, you feel like his autism is a defense.

[00:29:06]Like like like I don't think you you are equipped to be with Clinton, >> right?

[00:29:12]>> Like like like I have I have friends that let's say if I have friends who have read up on things that have nothing to do with them. let's say if they know somebody that's on a that have autism or have other type of disabilities just so they can learn to relate to that person >> and like how to interact and maybe how I should like at least I do this for myself too is like if I know somebody has a condition or deals with like say anxiety or ADHD or whatever like that like >> if I notice that okay they're different in these ways let me actually read about it so I can learn like expectations so I can like level set what maybe this person can can kind of present or deal with in our dynamic. Yes. Whether it's friendship, co-orker, colleague, you know, whatever the case may be, boss, employee, whatever the case may be. So that way, like I know like rules of engagement, so to speak.

[00:30:08]>> That's the whole point of communication.

[00:30:10]Communication is not just we speak in the same language as English, >> right?

[00:30:14]>> Communication is do you understand what I'm saying? Do you understand where I'm coming from? Can I say it another way?

[00:30:20]I'm not saying that Clinton because of his condition that he should not be held accountable to anything wrong he do because don't get it twisted. This man brought a big screen TV on her credit.

[00:30:30]>> Yeah. Yeah. No, that wasn't cool.

[00:30:32]>> You're wilding. He know he was wrong.

[00:30:34]You get what I'm saying? And then on top of that, I think he got a console or or like at least a game on top of that when he was supposed to be getting a bigger bed. He know he was wrong. And there is some boundaries and accountability that just because he has autism doesn't make him exempt of saying, "Hey, you was wrong. You need to apologize for that."

[00:30:51]But I don't know. So, I'm going to take it a I'm going to take an educated guess. The fact that she said that sentence, I wonder how many books she read on autism.

[00:31:02]>> I wonder how many things she researched on autism and things of that nature to where guess what? Sometimes it's just best just to take the charger or because he just sees it as the most important thing in the world at the moment right now. Right.

[00:31:18]>> And then just do what you want.

[00:31:21]>> Exactly. Like like I'm I'm not saying that I'm not saying subliminally ignore the guy that have autism. But at the same time, you know how small things can become big things, right? And especially since y'all not in a safe space as in a therapist's office to where hey you may need a third party like Ara to come in and say let's learn how to pick our battles. You realize this have nothing to do with the whole thing of like hey you need to treat Shay better or you need to be a better boyfriend. It's like oh sometimes you can really get wound up on this one thing and can't see nothing else. Right? So that that's why I'm like the more I hear their relationship, even though she feels safe, even though she feels seen by Clinton, I'm just like you're you're kind of choosing to go through this.

[00:32:08]>> But I think the thing too with um with Clinton is that like you said, it's understanding kind of expectations, but if you're looking at him as a partner Yeah. and as a boyfriend, then you can kind of miss the fact that he he just doesn't have certain building blocks of of just a individual. You know what I'm saying? Like he needs like the ABCs, the one, two, three. He needs certain things explained to him so that way he can grasp um kind of how to move forward in different situations. cuz I keep going back to um Love on the Spectrum and how they had the coaches and basically saying, "Okay, if a girl is with you, like you want to pull out their chair or if a girl, you know, if you think that you might want to go with her on another date, like you might want to ask them for their number." So, it's certain things that might have to be laid out and explained that might come as second nature to you. So, yeah.

[00:33:04]>> Yeah. it it I understand that you want to live a normal life, but once you choose to be with someone that has the the once you choose to be with Clinton, no matter who has the issues and things like that, you have to now actually rewire how you actually like show up as yourself in the relationship. Meaning that are you do do you want to be the girlfriend or do you want to be the teacher, right? And it just feels like that you just want to be the girlfriend to where guess what? Someone shows up for me, someone's there for me, and I'm there for them. I'm not trying to discourage or put down anything that Shay had done for Clinton. Shay had done a lot for Clinton, right? But also, you have to understand that maybe at certain times you got to take off the girlfriend hat and be the teacher or be the counselor or or be the friend. You >> can't then it's time to break >> and then it's time to break up.

[00:33:59]>> Well, we move on to Marjorie and Jason.

[00:34:01]They just moved. It's been stressful.

[00:34:03]They've been fighting. Jason called her lazy.

[00:34:06]>> She thought of all of the times he was playing video games and it pissed her off because she works hard.

[00:34:11]>> Yes, she does.

[00:34:12]>> She's also having uh negative feelings about this weight loss journey, some self-hatred, and it's all connected. He was asking her about joining a gym with a friend because he has a friend that he goes to the gym with that is his accountability buddy, but she's like, I can go by myself. Like, I don't need to go with a friend and do it how you do it. M um Ora asks him to listen and just kind of pay attention to how things are landing. You could be helpful by listening and being caring and he recognizes that what he's saying isn't landing.

[00:34:43]>> Yeah. And um I will say about that is that you can say things with good intentions or like I feel like even for myself that I can be so solutionbased that I don't allow the moment to be the moment sometimes. And so I think that that's important to step back and just kind of allow the person to kind of go through whatever it is that they're going through cuz it's always it's not always a situation of okay well cuz especially if she didn't ask you well how are you doing this how are you doing that if she's just talking about like yeah like I'm not feeling great about this and you know then maybe she just needs to talk to you about how she's not feeling great right now.

[00:35:24]>> Yeah.

[00:35:25]>> Yeah. And just allow her the space to come to you if she actually wants advice. Mhm.

[00:35:29]>> Well, Orna asked Marjorie about her childhood. Her childhood was perfect.

[00:35:35]>> In her 20s, she noticed her mom was different than when she was younger, and it's difficult for her to talk to her mom. Her mom is all about appearances.

[00:35:45]Marjorie got knocked up at 20, got married because it was the right thing to do, ended up getting a divorce, and she was a black sheep in her family. It also made her feel inferior. Her mom put her on Weight Watchers as a kid. She was 12. The only time she was thin was when she met Jason, but they were but she was living off Dunkin Donuts and cigarettes.

[00:36:04]She gained weight because they would go out to eat all the time. He met her, got her fat fat, and now he's leaving her.

[00:36:11]He tells her he's not leaving her. He's here if she needs anything.

[00:36:14]>> Listen, Dunkin Donuts do it to you now.

[00:36:16]>> Yeah. And I will say about that like um of course all the things like in our personal history, in our past can show up in relationship with people.

[00:36:26]>> I hear you. And I think that um like her weight has been an issue her whole life. And seeing that he's doing it and he's doing it in a healthy way, uh it probably makes her feel back to how she was when she was 12 years old and her mom was so focused on appearances and she just like couldn't get it right.

[00:36:47]>> Yeah. Yeah. And it it's kind of like um a rehashing of of just that space in your mind and then a frustration that you feel like you don't have a solution to get out of.

[00:36:59]>> So, I don't know. I can just empathize with where she's coming from with that.

[00:37:03]So, yeah.

[00:37:05]>> But it's also that that doesn't give you, you know, room to be a a-hole to your husband.

[00:37:10]>> It it doesn't. But but it helps to better understand where she's coming from and maybe he can be a little bit more compassionate instead of like kind of like encouraging her, but it might be a little too pushy for her.

[00:37:21]>> And that's the thing about it, right? Um the past is so powerful, man. Your brain is so powerful. Like even hearing her past and how he say it's not landing right. Um, I learned in my relationship, um, as a person, you got to put your pride aside and realize that you may have the right answer, but you may not be the vehicle to give the right answer.

[00:37:51]There's there's a lot of things a lot of things that I could have said that I knew was right. You get what I'm saying?

[00:37:59]But I knew Blair ain't going to take it from me. She got hear from somebody else. you it it just it just you live and you learn once you have a partner.

[00:38:08]You get what I'm saying? It's it's it's almost and it works both ways. Like Chris ain't going to take that from me.

[00:38:14]Especially with guys. Guys can be very complicated and simple at the same time to where they be quick to listen to their friend who who is in a less position than than than everybody else.

[00:38:25]This guy live with his parents. This guy ain't got no job. But he gets all his advice from that friend. You get what I'm saying? And to your point, whenever he hears, or rather Marjorie hears weight loss, now mind you, Jason over here looking good. He over here looking slim, slender.

[00:38:42]>> Yeah, you can tell, >> right?

[00:38:44]>> And he may be trying to really truly find ways solutionist of, hey, how about you sign up with a friend? How about you do this? And it just taking her back to a place of when she was younger and she don't hear Jason, she hear her mother.

[00:38:59]Now granted, she did not say anything bad about her mother in the sense of how she was raised. She said my mother was loving. So if you've described your childhood as perfect and you describe your mother as loving and your mother wants you to lose weight so much and in some ways you kind of find it disappointing, you kind of like, dang, I'm kind of disappointed my mama.

[00:39:18]>> Yeah.

[00:39:19]>> And now I'm I'm disappointed my husband.

[00:39:21]>> I'm just a disappointment. I'm just a f up. But now you gonna leave me. You know what I'm saying? like like you can see how you could kind of put yourself in a basically a tail spin that you don't have to put yourself in. And Jason's like, >> "You're stupid. I'm not going to leave you." Right? But here's the thing about a partnership, right?

[00:39:40]You have to the same thing that he accused his wife of in the last episode.

[00:39:46]He need now to turn the mirror to himself and realize, "Oh, dag, my words ain't landing." And that's the thing is like they have lost compassion for each other period.

[00:39:56]>> So yeah 100%. So like remember when she gave a I thought the apology was sincere.

[00:40:01]>> I thought it was sincere but because it hasn't been happening >> because it came from her.

[00:40:05]>> It or even just the fact that she's she hasn't been that way so in so long. It would probably felt foreign.

[00:40:12]>> It it felt he he's like I don't I don't I don't believe it. It it didn't land for me.

[00:40:16]>> Yeah. Now, if you can be sensitive enough to where things don't land for you, you have to be open enough to realize that some of the things you say, even though with the great intentions, will not land for her. And guess what?

[00:40:27]We got to pivot.

[00:40:28]>> Yeah.

[00:40:29]>> It it has to be a different source. It have to be on.

[00:40:32]>> Mhm.

[00:40:32]>> You get what I'm saying? Let's keep going.

[00:40:33]>> We move on to Nessa Andrea. They just came back from vacation, met up with Nessa's mom and her family for a family reunion.

[00:40:40]>> This This actually was my favorite scene so far. The walls built back up when they got home and Drea really isn't even in the mood to talk. And I will say this, I appreciate Drea's dedication.

[00:40:52]Even though she felt the way she didn't feel like talking, she still came. She still sat on that couch to sit there and ended up allowing things to be pulled out of her. Well, Drea said the relationship was so pretend. when they were with Nessa's family, she was wearing her wedding rings, u making it seem like they were a happy couple. And then when we get home, she put the ring up in a box in the back of a closet somewhere.

[00:41:14]>> Where's Where's Ben? She acts loveydovey on Monday, then acts like she's a guest in her own home that overstate her welcome.

[00:41:22]>> Andrea wanted to restore the relationship, but now she wants to turn the conversation towards a proper separation. She's done talking about what Nessa's feelings are. She doesn't know what the romantic relationship is.

[00:41:32]She asked me about having another baby the other day and today we couldn't even speak to each other in the house.

[00:41:38]>> And um it was funny because uh Drea says like when they get home Nessa wasn't happy to be home with her. And Ora Nessa's making all these noises rolling her eyes and kind of shifting in her seat. And Ora is like is there anything that she's saying that you can relate to that you can say that happens? And Nessa acknowledges everything she said is right. SO, SO I DON'T KNOW WHAT all the theatrics were about, but Nessa wants their daughter to have a sibling and for them to have another baby. She sees their romantic relationship separate from co-parenting with children. And Ora explains to her, "Well, Drea wants it all in one package. Drea wants a family." Drea is crying because she doesn't want to talk about the love that she has for Nessa and the thought of separation. Orna tells Nessa not to gloss over where Drea is at right now and just kind of sitting and allowing her to feel what she's feeling. And you know the next thing out of Nessa's mouth mouth is so what's the next step and Ora tells her let's be here now.

[00:42:43]>> Mhm.

[00:42:44]>> Nessa tells her it's uncomfortable. Drea is crying. Nessa then tries to touch her leg but Drea pushes her hand away. Ora says it's tragic this place that you guys are in. and she's just acknowledging that this is a hard moment.

[00:42:56]>> Yeah.

[00:42:57]>> Nessa talks about how she drinks to get away from discomfort. She doesn't have a lot of friends. Friends from her youth abandoned her. A best friend stopped being friends with her when she came out as gay.

[00:43:08]>> Friendship means more to her than a marriage um because she didn't really see healthy marriages growing up. In the relationship, she switched on to leaning into the best friend role with Drea, but Drea wants it um one way or nothing. And it feels like abandonment to her. Andrea was like, she can't help but feel like she wasted 20 years of her life. And Nessa tells her it wasn't a waste. But Ora has to reel Nessa in because it's like she's continuing to press the point. It's not a waste. We spent this time together. We're best friends. And Ora is like, "Please, let's let's pull it down. Let's calm it down."

[00:43:40]>> Drea said that she invested it in this with what her view of what a future would be. And what does she have? A best friend that doesn't think she's good enough to elevate her life.

[00:43:49]>> That's all you've been saying, Essa.

[00:43:50]like what kind of a best friend am I if if if I contribute nothing to you like what kind of friendship is this?

[00:43:58]>> So Ora talks about how intense feelings come up during separation. Drea is speaking to the pain, anger and betrayal that separation entails and betrayal for the dreams and visioned not basically that anyone is a villain and that's she kind of was like oh so I'm the villain.

[00:44:14]Or tells her you hold some responsibility in the separation.

[00:44:17]>> What's your thoughts?

[00:44:19]Yeah, I was happy that Drea turned the conversation because Nessa honestly was giving her nothing to work with.

[00:44:24]>> 100%.

[00:44:24]>> She was giving her nothing to work with.

[00:44:27]And I I found it to be frustrating for Drea that they went to this family reunion and that's wants to act like everything is fine. And to me, I took it as based off of the things that she was saying that she went through all this with her family and you know, they didn't support her and everything like that. So, she's not going to see them see she's not going to let them see her struggling in her relationship. I work too hard to prove to y'all that I'm in a good situation even y'all don't believe in my lifestyle. So, I'm not going to give y'all the benefit of the doubt to see that I'm having issues or that I'm struggling or that I'm questioning things.

[00:45:02]>> I like that.

[00:45:03]>> And I, you know, part of me feels like it's nobody's business. Your your interpersonal situations in your marriage and whatever you're going on, it's really nobody's business. But at the same time, it's unfair to your partner to make them put on an act that everything is okay. So, I I'm more so the fact that that I'm happy that Drea is getting to this point so that way she can kind of free herself of the mental load of kind of like stepping up to the plate to be the person that Nessa um it's not even like she's telling her she wants stray to be a specific person.

[00:45:39]She's just telling her everything she's not. And I and I don't even understand how a best friend could say that to another best friend. So, sounds like you don't like her.

[00:45:46]>> I haven't heard one thing she like about it yet.

[00:45:48]>> Yeah.

[00:45:48]>> Um, >> listen here, man. Y'all both are women.

[00:45:55]If I was y'all or or if I was Drea, we would have got the scrapping all up in that office.

[00:46:00]>> Oh, goodness.

[00:46:01]>> I mean, I'm talking.

[00:46:05]I'm not going to sit here and let you roast me for like the fourth episode that we like like like no. For one, you're a coward.

[00:46:12]>> You get what I'm saying? You're a coward. I probably use another word if you know what I mean. But you're a coward because >> hey, don't wear your ring.

[00:46:20]>> Mhm.

[00:46:21]>> You haven't worn it in over a year.

[00:46:22]>> Stay true to you staying on business.

[00:46:24]Mhm.

[00:46:25]>> And stuff and and thing and things of that nature. You get what I'm saying? So now then we come home and then the walls back up and basically you just don't want to be with me. You're not even giving me things to fix. Every time we leave this office, usually people get homework on what we can do, cat litter, something. You you you ain't even telling me anything I can do. You just keep coming in here session after session after session after session and say I don't want to be with her.

[00:46:48]>> Yeah.

[00:46:48]>> What do I supposed to do with that?

[00:46:50]>> That's why I was happy with Dre basically saying I don't care no more.

[00:46:53]>> Yeah.

[00:46:53]>> Like like basically like I I don't want to talk about it. I felt bad that she was basically weeping and crying and stuff like that. But Nessa, you can't go through life thinking like you're the good person and then you got the nerve to talk about, hey, let's have another baby.

[00:47:08]>> So, you just want what you can get out of it.

[00:47:10]>> And not even for us, just so the other baby can have a sibling >> that Drea is going to have to be the housewife or housekeeper to the child because she she already the one that's taking care of the other baby.

[00:47:23]>> I ain't going to take care of the baby because guess what? You want a separation and you don't see and you kind of compartmentalize our romantic relationship towards our responsibility as parents. Oh no, guess what? I'm about to be a dead beat mama then >> because you want to you want to have a baby.

[00:47:38]>> Not even thinking about me, not even thinking about the status of our relationship, but you thought so much that when we go meet your family, you'll go up and get that ring and put it on and parade and try to act like we all good. Nah. Like I that's that's why I said like we would have been in that we would have been in that session couch flipped over all the above because >> she's playing with you like like I understand Nessa has some things and granted I I I I listen to the session especially when she talk about she had a best friend.

[00:48:05]>> I listen losing a best friend is is tough and things of that nature.

[00:48:10]>> I have friends people that I call friends >> 20 years deep >> dude. You get what I'm saying? Everybody else you know no new friends. no new friends and we just cool. You know what I mean? But I have friends for 20 years deep and I can't imagine if I was to come out and say, "Hey, I'm this or like I'm that." And they just like, "Ew." And then they just like literally stopped talking to me. I would honestly think it was a joke at first. You get what I'm saying? Like like, but for them to legitimately stop talking to me, I can understand why you do not feel acceptance.

[00:48:40]But that's where I don't really understand where's your lack of empathy.

[00:48:44]your experience is supposed to make you a better person no matter the good or the bad of it. You knowing how alone you felt, you making Drea, this person that's supposed to be your best friend, feel alone cuz you're not even giving her anything. You basically saying the person that you are right now, I don't think you can improve. I I really don't think you all that in a bag of chips.

[00:49:02]Truth be told, you're kind of holding me back. I just want to leave you. I think it actually be good if you leave the house sometimes, too. Like like it just like it just makes no sense. So, we move on to episode five where we're Sienna and Chris. Chris didn't think that he deserved her. She was amazing. He's just a man whose trust fund ran out. And Sienna tells him to stop talking like that.

[00:49:22]>> Okay.

[00:49:22]>> Or is with her group. She tells him how great he is. Or feels like trying to hypnotize him to make him believe in a future, the goodness of the world. And basically, the work group people don't know what Sienna is getting out of the relationship. And basically, when can she get to fall apart?

[00:49:41]>> Yeah.

[00:49:41]>> He put the girls to bed. He was ready for sexy time with his wife. She was excited. Apparently, he fell asleep. She was upset. It made her feel unimportant and that he couldn't even stay awake to sleep with his wife.

[00:49:55]>> He's talking about she's talking about how he would move heaven and earth to get to these cuddles that he paid for.

[00:50:01]Or asked him how he feels about the comparison. Well, Chris says that he's um doing a lot with her working in York.

[00:50:09]He is legitimately tired, but he's just frustrated as to why he couldn't stay awake because he knew it was important to her. And Ora says, "Well, Sienna's expectations are important. She is very powerful." And Sienna asked if it's important to him. Or says, "The question then turns to, can I supply what this powerful woman wants from me?"

[00:50:28]>> And Chris is like, "She's huge to him.

[00:50:30]He doesn't ever want to make her upset because it upsets him. Sienna shares her history. She grew up in a white area, poor, raised by a single mother, Danish mom, black dad, bullied really bad.

[00:50:43]>> Um, in ballet, she wore purple leotards because that's all her mom could find to fit her. The other girls had blonde hair, wore pink leotards. The ballet teacher called her out for her uniform not being correct. Girls in class would call her names, butterball turkey. They would invite her to sleepovers just to make fun of her. Her mom saw her come home every day crying. She didn't know what to do. And she didn't do anything to help her. And Sienna went through um life and ended up forgiving her mom because she wanted a relationship with her.

[00:51:12]>> Yeah.

[00:51:13]>> She ended up choosing joy in life, manifesting pleasure and happiness, and she didn't consider the ramifications of pushing something down for so long.

[00:51:21]>> And Orin talks about how we all have a fantasy of the perfect mom, a giving mother who knows their child like no one else. and we're living with the disappointment that the mother that mother never shows up.

[00:51:32]>> Part of psychological growth is recognizing the people who raised you are subjects with their own issue and not an object of your fantasy.

[00:51:38]>> Listen here, man. Y'all better learn to accept your parents, >> the good and the bad and the ugly, >> depending on what they did to you.

[00:51:45]>> 100%.

[00:51:46]You get what I'm saying?

[00:51:47]>> Not all of them deserve that.

[00:51:48]>> All of them don't deserve that. But at the end of the day, it's part of who you are.

[00:51:52]>> You get what I'm saying? Like, you can't run from it. Unfortunately, you can choose almost anything else in life except your family.

[00:51:58]>> You get what I'm saying? So, it it it's one of those situations to where, you know, you may had an idea of of what you want your mother to be or what you wanted your father to be and they just not that. And you have to understand that the world don't revolves around just you. That they are their own person with their own struggles that can't find a pink leotard for your ballet class.

[00:52:18]Yes, you do. Like like like it's so funny how the older you get, you kind of understand like whoa, I kind of understand my parents just a little bit better.

[00:52:27]>> You get what I'm saying? Now granted, some parents is very hard to understand and maybe I need to live a double lifetime to really see things from their point of view, but it it it just shows that she's she's carrying a lot of trauma, especially with her being bullied. Being bullied can really set somebody back in in their mental even as an adult to where they will accept being bullied as an adult because it's just something that they used to. So automatically the mother wasn't a protector. She didn't feel protected by this mother.

[00:52:56]>> She did nothing to help her baby.

[00:52:57]>> Nothing. Right. And and and it's one of those situations to where now you kind of feel like well it's it's it's accepted for me as a child to not defend myself cuz I'm a child but you're my mother. you supposed to be basically the first line of defense. So I can understand the disappointment and I can also understand though I can't carry this forever though because also the reality is your parent or your guardian whoever there are some people out here who have done you wrong objectively not even subjectively I'm talking about objectively you have been wronged and I don't care how many years go by they just won't see it. You get what I'm saying? So that's why it just best for some people just be like, you know what, if I want you in my life, I just got to forgive because no matter how many years we go past it, you're not going to see it, you know?

[00:53:44]>> And I do see how in a way it's feeding into her dynamic and her relationship because I mean, number one, she was quick to forgive what he did. And even though she does bring it up like sometimes like even though she wants certain things in the relationship, it's almost as if she prioritizes like his well-being um in ways or is that even accurate? I don't even know if I would say that would be accurate. At least in the sessions, it feels that way because I feel like at least in the way that they describe their life, they kind of balance each other out and they actually try to make sure each person is getting the things that they need. Um, and maybe it it is just like guilt from the things that he's done in the past that he has to constantly show up and he doesn't want to disappoint her, which I mean, yeah, kind of. Yeah. Like you did what you did. So, in a way, you are in a position to prove it.

[00:54:37]>> Yeah. Um, so I don't know.

[00:54:40]>> It's it's Listen, I don't have the right terms, so take take this with a grain of salt.

[00:54:46]>> Um, >> I think I go back to that session to where she basically was questioning herself and feeling resentful, like why did I forgive you? Why did I stay? Like you turned me into something that I didn't want to be. Like you turned me into like a nightmare and stuff like that. I think like she does things to feed this fantasy in her head and things like that and it kind of robbed her of reality and I wonder if she was in reality when she chose to forgive uh Chris from the wrong that he did to her because if she feels wronged by her mother but she just automatically the the the automatic response is I'm just going to forgive. Who cares about my feelings?

[00:55:24]>> It's just like may maybe cuz she goes back and forth with it. She's like maybe I shouldn't have forgave. Maybe I should have left. Why did I say? And it and it does make you wonder like was it a conscious decision or was it just a habit?

[00:55:35]>> Yeah, it just like Yeah. Like I I I already forgave my mama. So, and then on top of that, no one's more important than my mama. So, I definitely can forgive you.

[00:55:42]>> Right. Well, we move on to Shay and Clinton. Shay does a lot for herself and her family. Okay. Clinton wants to help sometimes, but he knows how her life is.

[00:55:49]She had to take care of things by herself all the time.

[00:55:52]>> She grew up poor. Her parents were both alcoholic. She was homeless at 14 for coming out as gay. Her mom called her the f-word and wished disease on her.

[00:56:01]>> That is a nasty nasty >> not only a disease, the disease.

[00:56:05]>> The the disease.

[00:56:06]>> Oh yeah. That that's crazy. That's what I'm saying. Like some you can't choose your parents, but once you able to move out and get your own spot. Sometimes we we just need to just know each other.

[00:56:16]You get what I'm saying? Why not? like like like like >> like if your parents are going to like cause that much harm to you and and literally like wish the worst for your life, like I I don't know how people come back from that. I do believe in forgiveness for your sake.

[00:56:31]>> Um and so that way that's not weighing on you as you move on through life, but forgiveness doesn't mean we have to be in relationship.

[00:56:37]>> Yeah.

[00:56:38]>> Well, she would go home for a meal here or there. Never went well. She did drag, met a trans woman once. her senior year of college, she started dressing as a woman full-time and everyone was against her transitioning.

[00:56:50]>> Most of her life, she never fought her mom over anything. There would be um like big punishments. She told her mom know that she didn't want to take a bath when she was younger. Her mom took everything out of her room, locked her in a room, empty room for hours. She was not allowed to leave to use the bathroom. What is up with these abusive parents?

[00:57:09]>> Like it just hurts my heart because I'm just like kids literally have nowhere to go.

[00:57:14]Nowhere to run to, nobody to call.

[00:57:16]>> They only trust you.

[00:57:17]>> They only have and trust you. And for you to put a child in that situation, like that is like awful. Like you literally like you need to be beaten to the ground. Like that's awful.

[00:57:27]>> So Clinton said that we have a similar story about how our moms treated us. His diagnosis was actually hidden from him >> and that was very manipulative. And Sheay fears that she could end up turning out like her mom.

[00:57:40]>> Okay. Well, Clinton says, "You saying if I just listen to you, things wouldn't go wrong. You know, that sounds like something your mom would say. That sounds manipulative." And Shay is like, "But we're having a discussion. The difference is my mom would have not have a discussion with me. She locked me in a room and I'd be over there peeing on the ground. Like, I'm willing to sit here and have conversations with you." And Clinton says, you know, okay, sure, it's not exactly like what you went through, but it's encroaching.

[00:58:05]And so like Clinton is is also just kind of missing a piece of the puzzle of the fact of in a relationship, they're going to have different opinions. And because you have a deficit in some areas, there are some areas that she may be more wellversed in than you.

[00:58:21]>> And also just because your mother, like your mother may have been bad, but my mother was the devil.

[00:58:26]>> Mhm.

[00:58:27]>> There's different levels of evil. Yeah.

[00:58:29]>> And going on. And you may just have, hey, granted, there are some people that was raised by bad parents or bad parenting and things like that, but we talking about someone that witch a disease on them, basically wishing death on them, and then saying, "You can't use the bathroom. Go outside."

[00:58:44]>> You get what I'm saying? Treating them like an animal. You know what I mean?

[00:58:46]And and I can understand the fear of like, is that in me? Because this is coming from your mother. You know what I'm saying?

[00:58:57]>> Yeah. No, that's a real fear. Like it's like because it's very hard to come to terms that someone wants to be that way.

[00:59:05]>> Yeah.

[00:59:05]>> So it's like if this person didn't want to be that way and they end up being this way, what's in for me?

[00:59:12]>> Like what's stopping me?

[00:59:13]>> Cuz I don't want to be that way, right?

[00:59:14]>> But sometimes sometimes sometimes I I am a big believer people know what they doing, especially adults, right?

[00:59:22]sometimes just knowing the fact that you don't want to be that. You already did majority of the work of you not becoming that. You get what I'm saying? So that's why I it's good to hear these back stories so we can get more in depth with these characters.

[00:59:34]>> Next we have Nessa and Drea.

[00:59:36]>> Y'all, they smiles and roses like the last few sessions didn't even happen.

[00:59:41]>> I hear you.

[00:59:41]>> Nessa went away from the weekend. They had time to miss each other and now they're happy to be around each other.

[00:59:47]>> After the last session, they went to dinner. They went home and they actually had an enjoyable evening. They both felt bad emotionally and made each other feel better in the best way they knew how.

[00:59:57]Wink wink. Drea noticed when Nessa does stuff by herself, she can be in better spirits and more affectionate. Um, and in that time, Drea also had fun doing things by herself and spending some time with her friends.

[01:00:11]>> Um, when she's by herself, usually when Nessa goes away, she's just going to stay in the house. She doesn't go to work. She won't even take the baby to daycare. And it's like she relies on Nessa to be there in order to get things done. Or asked who else in her family was like this basically who does she rely on? And Drea said no one. She was unseen in her childhood. She loves her mother. She wishes her mom loved her as a child and she doesn't know if she even does. She discarded some of um Oh, basically her mom lived 15 minutes away and has only seen the grandbaby who's four years old six times in a grandbaby's life.

[01:00:50]>> She can't think of a time where her mom said, "I love you." Gave her a hug. Her mom would though she would iron her clothes, clean her room, but that emotional piece was not there.

[01:00:59]>> Yeah.

[01:01:00]>> Oh, and she was explaining that she discarded some of her kids, but she actually is in communication and is cool with some of her other kids. Mhm.

[01:01:06]>> And Nessa says that Drea wouldn't try things because she would fear something bad would happen. And Drea talks about she didn't get her driver's license because her mom would always talk about getting into car accidents and she didn't, you know, get one until she was 34 years old. Nessa says that Drea talking about um, you know, growing and doing things on her own is attractive to her.

[01:01:27]>> Um, I don't know. Well, I I I I'm pretty sure I can guess. We all have somebody that we lost. um close and dear to us, me being both my parents, there's a part before someone dies, especially when they've been sick for a while, right?

[01:01:43]Where they kind of look like not fully healed, but like, "Whoa, you look better today."

[01:01:49]>> I remember the day before the same day my dad died actually in in the hospital, my sister was telling me how he had his eyes open, he was smiling, he was joking around, he was basically his normal self. He died that night.

[01:02:04]>> Yeah.

[01:02:05]>> This is what this relationship is to me.

[01:02:07]>> Yeah.

[01:02:08]>> Right. It's it's basically like it's on life support and it's that last basically that last spunk before they kick over the can and things like that.

[01:02:17]There's no way that I can hear that you basically think of me less than less than. You get what I'm saying? And then we go away for a week and you come back and now we're licking on each other.

[01:02:28]We're touching each other and things like that. Basically sweeping things under the rug. And then like things is fixed and now we just talking about my mama and how much I'm the black sheep.

[01:02:37]No, this is the this is the last ditch effort before this relationship in my opinion. I I'm I'm only at episode five kicks the can.

[01:02:47]>> Yeah. And for me, I felt like clearly Drea has some codependency issues. I% real bad. Like you're not going to work.

[01:02:53]The baby can't even be around the baby friends. Like Yeah. This is this is bad.

[01:02:57]Yeah. Um, yeah. But at the same time, like >> I just feel like they're just going to fall into old habits and Nessa just doesn't want to be with Drea. So, I don't I don't know what to say.

[01:03:08]>> Yeah. And and and it and it sucks that the mother is 15 minutes up the road >> and really don't really >> She doesn't want to be in her life.

[01:03:16]>> I have the right to think you don't love me. Yeah.

[01:03:19]>> Because who who to say we won't bump into each other at the same grocery store?

[01:03:23]>> You haven't been around. You only see the grandbaby about four times, maybe six times, but you're not around. So, I got the right to think, "You don't really want to rock with me. It is what it is."

[01:03:32]>> Marjorie and Jason, Marjory's mother would pick up the cousins um but not their son.

[01:03:39]>> Jason told the son about this and he is not going to sit up and try to pretend with him that his grandma loves him.

[01:03:46]Goodness gracious. Like, as as true as that may sound, like it is kind of harsh. I feel like when the parents take it on themselves to be like, "Well, this is the reality of it. Grandma don't like what you like you. She don't f with you.

[01:03:59]Like, you ain't her peoples." And it's just kind of like, >> can we can we can we find a age appropriate way of just like handling this? I don't know.

[01:04:10]>> My problem is Jason don't know this as a fact.

[01:04:13]>> He sees all Now granted, he has a lot of evidence. He does have some evidence, >> but at the same time, I think it would have been better to go to the adult and be like, "Why don't you pick up my son?"

[01:04:24]>> Yeah.

[01:04:25]>> "Do you like my son?" Yeah. You get what I'm saying?

[01:04:27]>> Well, there's a situation to where the son ran out to hug his grandmother, but she wouldn't even unbuckle her seat to hug the boy.

[01:04:33]>> See what I mean?

[01:04:34]>> Marjorie feels like her mom does love her child, and she's like, she doesn't like Jason, and that's why she acts that way around Jason.

[01:04:44]>> That don't even make no sense. Jason said that she'll hold his hand um talking about the son, but it ain't in her heart.

[01:04:52]>> It's fake.

[01:04:52]>> It's fake.

[01:04:55]>> He said granny is faking with the grandbaby.

[01:04:58]>> He feels bad for his son. She's not being genuine with him. It's not fair and he can't protect him for somebody being fake with him.

[01:05:05]>> Or asked, "So, who was the fake person in your life?"

[01:05:08]>> Uhhuh. Yeah. Yeah.

[01:05:09]>> And Jason said, "His dad." He felt like an outsider. his dad left his mom for another woman, married, had a child with that lady and they were a unit without him. He would end up going to their house to visit and he would feel like a guest and he couldn't confront his dad about it.

[01:05:25]>> Marjorie thinks that he is trying to basically project this issue onto this current dynamic. Yeah. And Jason is saying like, "Your mom is ice cold and I'm not projecting my past." Ora tells him, "You are putting some unresolved stuff from your past, laying it onto this woman, and it's amplified by your history. You're kind of trying to induce him into some feelings, talking about the son that aren't really his, and they're actually your feelings."

[01:05:52]>> Yeah.

[01:05:53]>> And we talk about when an issue is unresolved in a person's past, they'll try to repeat an issue until it's resolved. And it takes deep work to move out of that pattern. What I will say, >> help me, >> is that um I don't know why I find it so funny. Um because clearly the little boy is excited to see his grandmother to the point he's running up and hugging her to the point where he probably doesn't even recognize that the grandma didn't unbuckle her seat belt. But here go Jason talking about, you know, she couldn't even get out of the car to hug you. Like like don't spark that feeling up in a child and having them question things. I just feel like if that's something for them to see and to like learn as they get older, that's one thing. But to kind of like put in that like I'm not going to say chip on his shoulder, but to be looking at his granny with the side eye, I'm just like I feel like >> it's he's too young for that. Like if you notice, if you peep it, if you can talk, like you said, talk to the grandma or even like remove him from the situation if possible, but don't put that on the boy.

[01:06:53]>> Yeah. Do you remember? Well, you probably don't because I ask you a lot of questions, but I asked you a specific question this week.

[01:07:01]>> We talked a lot this week.

[01:07:02]>> Yeah, we I'm I'm talked out. You know what I mean? Um and and just talking normal conversation.

[01:07:09]>> Yeah. Just Yeah.

[01:07:10]>> Um but but I did ask you, is there anything unresolved in your childhood that I need to know about?

[01:07:16]>> Right.

[01:07:17]>> Do you remember me ask you that? Like like is there anything in your childhood that like you don't remember that question? I remember it, but I didn't feel like you were asking it like to ask like if there was I think it was around another conversation we were having.

[01:07:30]>> No, it was a direct question. Okay. It was a direct question that needed a direct answer, right? Basically like, hey, if there's anything in your childhood that you feel like, you know what, this is what happened and I feel this way or any or any unresolved issues in your childhood.

[01:07:45]>> Okay.

[01:07:46]>> That that's going on. Maybe I need to ask you after we film this video. Right.

[01:07:50]>> I think I misunderstood at the time.

[01:07:52]Well, maybe he wasn't listening. Right.

[01:07:54]>> Here's the thing, Jason.

[01:07:56]>> Mhm.

[01:07:56]>> Your son is not your redo of your childhood. Your childhood's over.

[01:08:00]>> Mhm.

[01:08:01]>> I am very resolved with my childhood, no matter how good and bad it was.

[01:08:07]>> I am not going to use my child and rob them of their childhood and use it as a redo for my childhood.

[01:08:12]>> Yeah.

[01:08:13]>> Your father left you.

[01:08:16]>> Be there for your son.

[01:08:18]>> Just that plain and simple.

[01:08:19]>> Yeah. like well maybe it's not plain simple. I want to say it takes some deep work but >> especially if granny acting funny too.

[01:08:25]>> Granny acting funny and you're using your history to basically hey justify the present but the present is is a you got to treat the present as a different entity than your history and things like that. Yes, you use your history to kind of that's kind of funny and then you have that conversation. Hey, you know, grandson be happy to to to run up to you and I don't never want him to feel like he don't like I just want the energy to be basically received.

[01:08:53]>> Yeah.

[01:08:54]>> Just hug him. That's all. How come you picking up all the other kids, you ain't picking up my son? What's going on with that? Because an adult, they are mature enough, you would hope to have that conversation. A kid, they're gullible.

[01:09:06]So whatever you tell them, they may take it and don't know how to really like accept it and know how to compartmentalize what you said. You get what I'm saying? So now that's why I'm like when he listened to when asked him like who has been fake with you? He said my dad.

[01:09:21]>> And now you're basically like I'm going to protect my son from everybody who's fake.

[01:09:26]>> Relax.

[01:09:27]>> Your childhood is over.

[01:09:28]>> You are not your son. You may look like him. You know, there some may look like you, but your childhood is over. And you got to be a parent enough. And when I say a parent, I mean you have to be a protector, a provider, a a guardian, all the above to protect them from all harm while at the same time letting them live their own experience >> because they need it for their life.

[01:09:53]>> Because as we all hope, >> we all hope that our children outlived us. You get what I'm saying? So when you're gone and your child's still here, they need their own experience so they can live on and the cycle continues to continue.

[01:10:07]>> Yeah.

[01:10:07]>> The intent may be good, but you know what I mean? It just is what it is.

[01:10:12]>> Well, we had a lot of conversations, y'all. Uh we would love for y'all to chime in on all the different parts. I mean, literally like I mean I guess it's the end of the video, but like respond as as we go through everything. We don't care if you comment 10 times in one video. Like we like to hear what you think.

[01:10:26]>> Subscribe, like, share, comment, hype the video. We see y'all. Bye.