Will Money, Beauty & Attention Make You Happy? Kieta Kieta Has the Answers.

追加: 2026-05-14

[00:00:00]I sit down with Kea, a former 90s supermodel. We hear her experience in the industry, how it led her into addiction, partying, and eventually sex work. Thank you so much for having me.

[00:00:12]This is just a wonderful, wonderful topic. I think it's super important for many women and people to hear. It's always a personal journey. We talk about the loneliness behind the lifestyle, the myths about beauty, money, and validation, and how easy it is to lose yourself, chasing an image that was never real to begin with. The loneliness that we feel, the more fame you have, the more isolated you feel and you become. I don't really want to go down that path of the Playboy path. There are so many people who have had success stories in all professions and that's what I love and that's why there's so much hope. If you're suffering right now, you don't have to suffer. There is a way out.

[00:00:55]>> Hi, I'm Ava Divine and you're watching Ava Divine's Bad Advice. Today's episode's title is, "Will money, beauty, and attention make you happy?" This episode summary is We're often sold the idea that if you're beautiful enough, successful enough, or desired enough, you'll finally feel fulfilled. But what happens when you have all of that and you still feel empty? In this conversation, I sit down with Kea, a former 90s supermodel that signed with Elite Model Agency, was on the cover of Vanity Fair 17, just to name a few, was in music videos with Dwight Yokum and Alice Cooper, and Lynch Mob. We hear her experience in the industry, how it led her into addiction, partying, and eventually sex work as she struggled to cope with deeper emotional pain. We talk about the loneliness behind the lifestyle, the myths about beauty, money, and validation, and how easy it is to lose yourself, chasing an image that was never real to begin with. Keta shares her journey to sobriety, her spiritual awakening, and how she rebuilt her life through practices like yoga and connecting to a higher power. This episode is about healing, forgiveness, and unlearning the belief that external validation can replace internal peace.

[00:02:21]The objective, we explore how addiction and beauty standards shape Kea's life and how she rebuilt self-worth through sobriety and spiritual healing. So, thank you for joining us, Kea.

[00:02:34]>> Well, I love what a great fantastic intro, Ava. You look fantastic. Thank you so much for having me. This is just a wonderful, wonderful topic and I think it's super important for many women and people to hear.

[00:02:48]>> Most definitely. Most definitely.

[00:02:49]>> People in any anyone in the industry, >> anyone anywhere, right?

[00:02:52]>> Anyone anywhere, >> regardless of what they do for a living or their career path.

[00:02:59]>> Absolutely. Absolutely. And the whole, you know, and I love the point or or the the what you said about, you know, chasing the image and thinking that's going to make me happy. That was the whole thing about I'm we always believe that this is going to make me happy that I'll be happy when yeah I'll be happy if and that's the whole thing that I did all my life although I always was I was always looking for spirituality I don't know Ava if you were also looking for spirituality when you were younger I don't know if that was forefront for you it was for me >> you know so uh yeah and that's what I I was seeking it but what happens is right you're beautiful. You're modeling. You start traveling the world. There's a lot of money going around and uh you're like, "Okay, well," and but also, right, if you love to entertain and you love the craft, there there has to be a love of the craft.

[00:03:54]>> Most definitely.

[00:03:55]>> Because we can't do this if there's not parts of it that you don't love.

[00:04:00]>> Most definitely.

[00:04:00]>> Right. I mean, truly, there's a lot of there's a lot of this lifestyle that we love because we wouldn't be here if we didn't love it. But what happens is we get skewed. At least I did. I got skewed and I went kind of went off went off my path. But also, I mean, mind you, Hollywood and I, you know, and I and I hope I can be candid here, but please >> about how I really feel because >> I know like the MeToo movement that just I guess seemingly showed up just recently. I want to say like where were you when when I was being I don't know. I I guess I'm not necessarily molested, but drugged.

[00:04:40]>> Prayed on.

[00:04:40]>> Yeah. Prayed on. Uh where were you when when we had that? Because it's been going on.

[00:04:45]>> Definitely.

[00:04:45]>> The the the casting couch has been there for I mean that's why they called it the casting couch, right? I mean, it's been there.

[00:04:52]>> We know that. It's true.

[00:04:55]>> I won't even talk about the I mean, and you know what, but wait a minute. And it worked. I think >> most of it.

[00:05:01]>> Wasn't Madonna shameless about how and what she did getting to where she was at? And which is fine. There's no pro which hence therefore leads us to the sex work. Yes.

[00:05:11]>> And why it kind of morphed into before it was so taboo.

[00:05:16]>> Yes. It was your now it's very acceptable.

[00:05:18]>> Now it's way more acceptable than what it used to be. Okay. Which I think was important in letting go.

[00:05:25]>> Most definitely.

[00:05:27]And and right in finding a little bit more acceptability in this. And was it helpful perhaps in finding spirituality?

[00:05:35]possibly, but quite honestly, I don't think so. I mean, I don't think it didn't matter what really changed on the outside of that. It's always a personal journey. It is. So, so let's get into this. Okay, here's an introduction question. The illusion of modeling external success. Your story begins with a dream. A dream that from the outside you made happen. Your life looked like what people are told to want. But what did it actually feel like on the inside?

[00:06:02]Tell us your fame, fortune, right? Jet setting elbows with rich and the fame.

[00:06:09]>> And you know what? You know, Ava, you'll hear this and you see it with Britney Spears, Justin Bieber. I mean, ju just those two right now. Even you talk about they were young coming up being stars and and it's like what the loneliness that we feel you know and and I feel like the big Michael Jackson Elvis Presley you talk about the the greats the iconic pop stars ever ever ever ever ever you know in the world and the loneliness sometimes was unbearable because you the more the more fame you have the more isolated you feel and you become and if you don't have that connection if you don't find something internal. If you can't find something which is real, which is then we go into relationships, then we're searching for that relationship that will fix us.

[00:06:57]>> And then we want, of course, we want just someone to love us >> outside of all this.

[00:07:03]>> And then that's like a whole another journey. But that loneliness, I think I and and you can see it. I think that the more fame you have, the more money you have, I think the more loneliness comes.

[00:07:14]That's what got me into my sobriety. The loneliness was so unbearable.

[00:07:20]And it ne and it never mattered how much it didn't matter who I was working with.

[00:07:24]Didn't m you know when I hit when I Yeah. When I was with And super fun was you know Whitney Houston and Kevin Cosner on Bodyguard. Okay. That was so much fun. And I was on some fabulous sets. I was I mean I I traveled the world. that was on the yachts and you know you all over the world and the best places and it didn't matter because that loneliness was still there. It was not until I finally and and of course you know you know and then you would think that the drink and the drugs that was kind of normal with that lifestyle.

[00:07:54]>> Totally >> right. Crystalall drinking the bottles of Crystalall.

[00:07:59]>> Yeah. That's cocaine.

[00:08:01]>> The the drugs. Now, in a in a lot of circles, that would you would think maybe augment your career. In some circles, it it was kind of accepted in Hollywood and it was okay. Well, in my case, it didn't. It It ruined my career.

[00:08:19]It really ruined I mean, I had some other things happened as well. I mean, I had a bad accident on the freeway and there was a life that was lost. It was not my fault. But um >> you know that really affected me.

[00:08:32]>> Sure.

[00:08:33]>> You know and you know and that kind of switched me but I had some wonderful people. I mean I was on uh you know Full House and Married with Children. Um you know Full House was great with Jeff Franklin and Jeff Franklin was always very very very helpful and um you know and he really helped my there was so many people who helped my career but again because I was always available I was always on time. I was always reliable except when the drink and the drug started to switch that and then that was the gear that I I just was the drink and the drug and the craft now just was so far away and out of reach and that loneliness just totally took over which actually got me into sobriety and then hence got me into my yoga practice which I continue today along with >> crazying up the memorabilia and the collectibles because that's also what we do and I know you know So which is another part of entertainment.

[00:09:28]>> Sure.

[00:09:29]>> They go hand in hand.

[00:09:30]>> Sure. But look at this journey.

[00:09:33]>> But with and then of course with my sobriety journey. I get my sobriety sister which is you Ava. And I never and you know it's funny because I always wanted when I finally got sober. Okay.

[00:09:44]And I got into a 12step program. I always was looking for other girls who were in the industry. Okay. And then I would find them and I would call my son.

[00:09:54]I'd be crying. I'm like, "Wait a minute.

[00:09:55]She'd be like, "Didn't just you don't have to be with them." Until I found you and some other wonderful people and and then I could see where you can still be in the industry. Like you don't have to leave you don't have to leave the industry and and be sober and to have a very productive, rational, normal life. I mean, there's some people who can do it. For myself, you know, that wasn't my calling.

[00:10:18]>> Exactly. And it's it's different to each individual cuz you you look at me sometimes you're like, "How do you do it staying sober? Clean and sober." And I'm like, "How can I not do it staying clean and sober, right?" But but like but you could not, right? And there's a lot of women that I talked to in the program that cannot live that life or or it will take them out.

[00:10:36]>> Well, and you Ava, you have of course Hall of Fame Hall of Fame this year, which was well welld deserved. And but that just goes to show you the hard work behind everything you've done >> for sure.

[00:10:49]>> You know, and that same journey that we go through with the drugs and the drinking, >> you know, and then you say, well, you know, there's a lot of things that I regret. But that path, >> bingo.

[00:10:59]>> But that path though, >> if I didn't take that path of that that destruction, really, that self-destruction, that self-loathing, and it was self-loathing. That's what's so crazy about this. I mean, here like we're beautiful, we're fabulous. I mean, and that's a lot of the things that you see right on social media.

[00:11:16]>> Oh, totally.

[00:11:17]>> Oh my god. We could and I can scroll through the whole thing. I'm like, and then by the time I'm done, I'm depressed because I'm like, my life looks miserable compared to >> But but there is a saying, don't judge your insides by somebody's outsides, >> which means because they may look like they're having a party and super happy because it's all facade, but we don't know what's really going on in their mind. We don't know the depths of the darkness that they walk through. Right.

[00:11:44]It just looks like a party on the outside. Right.

[00:11:46]>> That's right.

[00:11:47]>> So, so let let's go back to this question. When did you realize that beauty and success weren't giving you what you thought they would?

[00:11:55]>> Well, I believe that I struggle with that still because I Right. It's that I call it the shiny door and it still looks beautiful to me and I still want to go to it as an answer. Mhm.

[00:12:09]>> However, I think with age I think with age that also slowly starts to dissipate and and then you start to really um the idea of the spiritual answer starts to become more alive and that shiny door is you we know it's there and it's always going to be there.

[00:12:29]I don't really think that it it goes away. meaning that um is and and of and I always want to look good. I always want to take care of myself. That's why yoga practice is so important because with yoga it's mind, body, spirit. So, I'm taking care of all I need to take care of all those things in order to feel loved, you know, and if and if I'm not if I'm not taking care of my body, if I'm letting that go, then my eating well my you know the whole eating disorder thing and that's like that. So, don't worry. That'd be another question.

[00:13:02]>> I was going to say actually that could be a whole another a whole another, you know, episode is the eating disorder and which was stemmed from by the way from the industry and you know um >> um oh my gosh I can't believe I'm forgetting her name. Uh Wizard of Oz uh uh >> Judy Garland.

[00:13:18]>> Judy Garland. Poor Judy Garland. They tortured her. This is what I'm talking about. Hollywood tortured their stars to make sure that they were skinny or that they had to be working. I mean that was that was prevalent and and I still think in some ways that it happens today. I mean I come from you know with Karen's Jean Luke with Ebstein I mean that whole thing was very real. I mean Jean Luke who was the owner of Karen's I was with Karen's in Paris at the at the height when he got I think then when he got busted at that time certainly I saw things and how I got protected I don't know but it was prevalent. It was very I mean that was kind of like my era and then it was at then Jeanluke was coming to Chicago and we were having a party because we had the sanctuary a club and they said kita you do not want to be associated with JeanLuke anymore you know it's just bad news well but being young I have no idea like that's what I'm saying you're clueless that that's why I understand like these girls who are coming in and it's such a fine line right because yes I'm coming in And I want to to um I want to um get my career. I I I I I want to, you know, elevate my career. I want to meet people and these people are supposedly important and they can get me gigs because, you know, you're that's how you that's how you get different gigs is by meeting people. And then you meet them and they're really praying on us and you're and being young, you are really I didn't know anything. Okay. I you I really didn't. And that's why these girls get themselves caught up in that. I mean, completely caught up. So, I I understand it. I understand that. Yes. I may when you're of age, forget about being underage.

[00:15:08]That's a whole that's even a whole another bag of worms, which is which is terrible. So, I just understand it. I understand with Playboy, um, you know, and that was like another road that was really interesting when I when I first I I don't know what I was maybe 18, 19.

[00:15:22]And it was in Chicago and Playboy wanted me for Melanowski because Mel because it was the the you know it was the hub.

[00:15:29]Chicago was the hub for Playboy.

[00:15:31]>> Yeah.

[00:15:32]>> And I'll never forget that I chose because it was kind of a path, right?

[00:15:35]And I was like, well, I want to choose.

[00:15:37]I don't really want to go down that path of the Playboy path.

[00:15:41]>> Sure.

[00:15:42]>> I really wanted to, >> right? Which was kind of a division.

[00:15:45]>> Sure.

[00:15:46]>> You know, back then, you know, back then. So, >> yeah. So, when did it really happen? I mean is it always there? I think it's always there. I think I'm always we're always working on our spirituality, right? That spirituality is a constant journey. I am not this body, you know. I am an eternal sphere of light, you know, and that's what I try to remember when I do my yoga practice and actually when I work when I'm working, right? Anything that I'm I'm doing when I freak out because I'm anxietyridden, >> you know, is is you know, I'm not this body. And the whole aging thing is is is tough.

[00:16:23]>> Yeah.

[00:16:23]>> You know, is getting older, getting wrinkles, and you know, then and then you get into how much >> plastic surgery can can I get without morphing my total body out, right? Or is there even such a thing these >> days? Exactly. But yeah, it's always a work in progress, right? Well, look and look at how your journey has taken you and and just how you've aspired now and even with what we're doing today and how you value spirituality in your life and I know how it's how important it is in your sobriety and how grounding that is for you >> because the industry industry is not grounding. There's no grounding in the industry >> and that's why we need people in our >> We do, right? We need the support, >> you know, like I need you in my life.

[00:17:15]>> I need you too.

[00:17:16]>> I need you in my life. That and and I could never say that to a girl.

[00:17:21]>> I mean, like on a level of without you know what it is because it's going to be like, "Oh, well, what does she want >> exactly?" Or or Yeah, exactly. What is she trying to manipulate me for by telling me this? Like, >> yeah, >> I don't trust you. Right. Of course.

[00:17:34]Now, >> now when I say that, like I it doesn't matter to me. Like this stuff doesn't matter.

[00:17:40]>> It now it doesn't matter to me anymore what people think. I mean, look, mostly of course those those things we go through and you're like, oh, >> you know, and but and I think really too people want to see the reality. That's why reality TV and this reality and podcast are successful because people want to take a peek of what's going on in your life.

[00:18:03]>> Sure. Like true story.

[00:18:05]>> Exactly. But is reality TV truly reality?

[00:18:08]>> Not anymore because it didn't switch cuz then it switched. It became real then became unreal because once again I just feel like Hollywood always changes.

[00:18:17]>> Sure. And and but that's the the purpose. It's entertainment. It's >> entertainment. Entertainment. We And we hope to entertain it. Exactly. And if you're a true entertainer, you love the craft and you want to create. I love to create. I still love to create, you know, and and uh so I think that's important. So yeah, it's a constant and the door is always there. The shiny door is always there. But I believe that um I mean when I when I really changed was what at about 33, you know. So that was about when I was 33 years old is when I kind of had the epiphany.

[00:18:47]>> Me too.

[00:18:48]>> Really? That was a number 33. 33. We love 33.

[00:18:53]>> Okay. So So let's hear about this. Okay.

[00:18:56]Um the disscent addiction and coping.

[00:18:59]How did addiction first show up in your life? Was it gradual or did it hit all at once?

[00:19:04]>> Well, it did. I think you know it is kind of gradual because it's part >> God.

[00:19:09]>> It's it starts to be when you're young it starts to be but then it becomes part of the whole scene >> and then you just think it's the it's a way of life and of course I'm Polish so drinking was just that's what you do.

[00:19:20]>> Yeah.

[00:19:20]>> You know vodka and let's go.

[00:19:22]>> Yeah.

[00:19:23]>> You know so I think gradual and then hit it once. I think a little bit of both.

[00:19:28]>> Ah god. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Because for me, being the alcoholic addict, I feel like I was born like that. Like even messing around with sugar or diet pills, I'm like I'm not the normal average person. Like I get crazy. I go I go, you know, go for broke. I like I want to go hard.

[00:19:46]>> Okay, wait a minute. I'm into chocolate syrup right now. Very >> No, this is very bad. Okay, so I I just want you to know I just bought a bottle of chocolate syrup at Sprouts and I what? Not even 48 hours ago, I finished the one bottle.

[00:20:01]>> Oh, >> that's all you got? That's all you got?

[00:20:03]I thought No, I got storage in the in the oven. 48 hour. That would take me one day like less than 24 hours.

[00:20:10]>> It was 24 hours, but there was still a little left. So, I'm pushing it to 48.

[00:20:15]>> I don't feel Please dragging it out. Okay.

[00:20:20]>> Okay. Okay.

[00:20:21]>> Okay. So, Okay. Well, how So, it was it just hit all it was grabbed and hit it.

[00:20:27]>> Yeah. Yeah. It was both. It would totally be both.

[00:20:29]>> Okay, here's a good question.

[00:20:30]>> Be both.

[00:20:31]>> What were you trying to escape or numb during that time?

[00:20:35]>> Oh, yeah. What we numb is my my my own personal selfimage and then me not living up to that and then wanting to live up to what my family wanted me to be, right? Like I wanted to like show my family like, "Yeah, I can do this, you You know, right? But that's why everybody like says, "We love you, mom." Right. Or when they had the awards.

[00:21:01]>> Yeah. Right. When they have the awards because, right, like your mom is so we love our parents, you know, and they want and you know, they just went through at least I think most families, but they went through so much for us, >> you know, and and you want to show them that, yeah, I can and that, you know, I I can be a productive person in society.

[00:21:20]And I just think that sometimes well the whole time I I just never had that love for myself.

[00:21:26]>> Sure.

[00:21:26]>> And that really was the problem. my problem was that and then also I couldn't I couldn't understand about the injustices of the world and how I like I couldn't fix it and I couldn't make a difference and it upset me and then the animals getting abused and then and then I would go like this and then you try to do something and you don't know what to try and you know and then that mania that pain I have to I have to sub you know I have to numb that pain I got to numb that pain and then I never knew I was depressed until I got sober I got sober and I'm like, "Oh, I think I'm depressed, >> you know, and then but what do I and and so with the depression, right? I I needed to numb that depression and the alcohol help that." And then also the drugs, you try to take ecstasy or there's other drugs to try to get to that level and try to stay at that level to feel fun because we we always need to be on.

[00:22:21]>> Yes. Right.

[00:22:22]>> Always want the party.

[00:22:23]>> You need to be the party. You are the party. Whatever. You have to be fabulous at all times and and you got to keep up.

[00:22:28]>> Yeah.

[00:22:29]>> How do you keep up? And skinny.

[00:22:32]>> Exactly. Right.

[00:22:33]>> Oh my god. I didn't eat for like 20 years of my life.

[00:22:37]>> I finally started to eat, you know, that speed.

[00:22:40]>> And then that's a problem. Then eating's a problem. And >> I know.

[00:22:45]>> But wait, we're here to tell the story.

[00:22:47]We're walking through it together.

[00:22:50]>> Yeah. Together. Thank goodness I can call you because you understand. I never knew that anyone else could like drink chocolate unsweetened chocolate almond of milk like I do. And I called you up that one day. I'm like, you're not gonna believe what I'm doing. And we're talking about unsweetened chocolate almond milk. Okay. Or almond milk almond milk.

[00:23:09]>> Yeah. Oscar.

[00:23:10]>> Yeah. Okay. Right. I'm like I'm drinking cartons of this.

[00:23:13]>> Exactly.

[00:23:14]>> But but that's the association. See, that's what I need. That's what I lacked.

[00:23:19]>> Sure. I lacked that love for somebody, another person, another human being on a level of none of this matters.

[00:23:29]>> I know.

[00:23:30]>> I don't want anything from you except I just want your joy.

[00:23:34]>> Yes.

[00:23:34]>> And I want to be like, "Hey, I can call you up." Yes. And just say, "Hi."

[00:23:38]>> Exactly. Or, "How's your day?"

[00:23:40]>> "How's your day?" Or, "I'm crazy." Or whatever it is.

[00:23:43]>> Yeah.

[00:23:44]>> I love it. Okay. Well, let's talk about the loneliness and the identity loss.

[00:23:49]Okay. I can imagine you felt lonely in this world. Were you? And if so, what did loneliness look like for you during that period of all the fame and fortune and uh meeting everyone, hanging out at the hottest parties, being on the yachts, the jets? How did that loneliness feel? How could you be in a room full of movie stars, starlets, >> uh upscale people, lowcale people, whatever, drinking, druging, partying with the rock stars? How could you feel lonely?

[00:24:21]>> Wow. I don't know how you actually feel lonely, but you feel lonely, you know?

[00:24:27]That's for sure. And um it's almost it it's almost that internal and and and again like when a lot of times when you see even there's like if you've seen some Marilyn um there's some Marilyn footage you know and she kind of talks about that loneliness and again now that's like on another level but l but it but see >> it doesn't matter because lonely is lonely >> lonely. Exactly.

[00:24:51]>> And that's why can identify >> a housewife still identify with your loneliness.

[00:24:56]>> That's right. It doesn't matter. You don't have to be Hollywood. You don't have to have the money. You don't have to have any of it because lonely is lonely. And that's the truth. That is the truth.

[00:25:06]>> That is.

[00:25:06]>> And and and that's what's interesting about lonely. You know, Mother Teresa asked, they asked Mother Teresa, "Well, what do you think about loneliness?" And she says, "Go ask an alcoholic, >> Mother Teresa." You know, so I don't really know why that happens, but I I I I believe that it's really that internal journey. And when I finally found like and and again it came also with my yoga practice because when I was young you know I went to Zen Buddhism, I was speaking in tongues. I was reborn. I was doing you know all this other you know all this other stuff. I am a Christian today and you know and I still you know I still I still love that part of spirituality and I and I and I um identify with that. But it was that search for that got very confusing >> and then the disconnect of the spirituality and who I was because >> you get lost within the party >> and so there is no spiritual connection like I don't know that I am not this body.

[00:26:09]>> Yeah.

[00:26:10]>> I'm a cosmic sphere of light. I don't know that I'm just identifying with the external.

[00:26:15]>> Yeah. And in order not to be lonely, I need to identify with the internal. And that's why like even when I and I love I this is one of my favorite stories is you know when I was sober I think it was like five years I don't know I was doing yoga practice and I was becoming now I have like all these accolades 200 hour 500 hour experienced yoga teacher with yoga alliance and I'm doing workshops and now I want to once again guess what I do all here. Okay. Now, all external because I can't help it.

[00:26:46]>> Give me 80 words.

[00:26:47]>> Yeah. External. External. External. So, now I'm I'm jet setting uh yogis from around the world to come help me find my spirituality. And finally, a guy comes to me and says just just my favorite short, and he goes looks at me, he goes, "Kita," he goes, "you already have it.

[00:27:07]It's in you. You don't need to hire me to get it." M >> I was like what?

[00:27:13]>> Wow.

[00:27:14]>> I was like what are you kidding me? You mean I just spend all this >> but that's what we do. I spend all this money searching and I don't need to spend a dime because it's it's my it's my personal practice. It's my personal alone time. It's my personal breath >> and connecting with that breath in whatever way that I possibly can. And there's so many ways to do it now with you know with meditation the journey. Uh there's so many things that one can do even you know it doesn't have to just be sitting quiet. You don't have to go to the Himalayas.

[00:27:47]>> Yeah.

[00:27:48]>> To find your spiritual teacher, right?

[00:27:52]>> I found mine um you know of course coming from LA powerhouse gym because that's what we did. It's powerhouse and golds and all that. So I came to Vegas with Gold's Gym and I was always teaching teaching and and fitness was always part of my life and that was always kind of my balance. And so when I was shifting into the yoga, of course, once again, I'm looking for this spiritual teacher. this and this was even before this was even way before I I got all my accolades and and there's a story in um autobiography of a yogi by parahanza yogaandanda and he talks about the same thing trying to find his guru and he kept wanting to go to the Himalayas and and I was doing the same thing trying to find the spirituality but I was at golds because I was teaching at golds >> and I went down it was like on um uh Flamingo, like Flamingo and Eastern.

[00:28:50]There was a Gold's gym on Flamingo and Eastern and there happened to be a yoga class and I'm like, "Okay, let me go in there." And it was just this right down there. I walk in and there she was, Clear Waters.

[00:29:02]>> She became my spiritual teacher. She was in Gold Shim and she taught this class and I was there. I was like, "What?

[00:29:09]You're kidding me? Here?"

[00:29:11]>> I know.

[00:29:12]>> At Gold's This is where I'm finding this.

[00:29:15]>> Well, that's how I met you. 7 in the morning, I walk into a 12step program on Sahar and Edna.

[00:29:22]You remember?

[00:29:23]>> Yes.

[00:29:25]>> And there you are talking about how you fell off the stripper pole.

[00:29:29]>> Oh yeah, that's true.

[00:29:31]>> And I'm like like the clouds parted and the angels sang. I was like, I've never heard that. And the and I was like we bonded. I was like, help me. Help me.

[00:29:43]And I was so when oh my god Ava when I w when I met you and you came up to me I I was so like cuz I'm shy and I'm like oh my god she's like fabulous. Look at her.

[00:29:54]She's like fabulous. She's coming up to talk to me and I was so intimidated.

[00:29:58]>> No, >> but I'm just telling. But see there but see there there I go again. I'm going to be intimidated. Doesn't matter.

[00:30:05]>> You know it doesn't matter what's going on. But then it I can walk through because now I have a way to do that with, you know, with going into the program and figuring that out, you know.

[00:30:15]And then it was like, "Oh my, this is what I've been asking for all my life. I can't believe this." I couldn't believe it, too.

[00:30:22]>> And and what's really funny is how you shared with me is that you've kept me as a spiritual guide >> the longest.

[00:30:31]>> The longest. I'm thinking, "Oh, great.

[00:30:33]When is she going to kick >> No way. But okay. Well, but even if even if what that didn't happen, I just know we would always be friends. It wouldn't matter. But when you told me that, I'm like, "Wow, that's >> I know, Kitty. You've been in my life for a very long time. The longest I've ever had." Cuz >> yeah, I trust you and I love you. So, thank you. And and and you know also you know we talk about um you know how the sex work the sex work morphs you know from all that because it was you know how it all switched like I was like doing the movies the film the sitcoms you know all of that and then it started to slide down and then I you know it was now stripping and then Mandalay Bay >> and then Bay with you know then it was the high-end uh you know because I was part of >> the Saudis and that whole for that.

[00:31:22]Yeah.

[00:31:23]>> Yeah. Yeah.

[00:31:24]>> Which was fine. I have to say though I have to say with that I was always very well taken care of. They would always go for education. They always wanted you to you know take care of yourself and you know so I I you know that was not a bad such a bad journey >> for I mean look right everything in our life happens for a reason not by accident. And it all teaches us lessons.

[00:31:45]No matter what good or bad there's a lesson to be >> learned and and that's why we're here >> now. how we get to share that experience, strength and hope. And there is and you know what the good part about this there's so much hope >> there is >> there's so amount of trust stories >> and and success and so you can and and it doesn't m like if you want to do sex work and you want to be in the industry you can and you can have your spirituality you can find your path you really can do it now look >> it's not easy and I would say you would need a lot of guidance and you need I think you need a lot of important people around you to guide you like you have tons of support, but you had a lot of fame also even prior to your sobriety, you know, and you were able to maintain that, >> you know, that but it was hard cuz like, you know, when we're talking about the loneliness, you know, I could be at the best adult film star parties, uh, Hollywood, wealthy men, women calling me, you know, hanging out with me. But at the same time, right, my problem was I never felt good enough, right? or right I'm an egoomaniac with an inferiority complex.

[00:32:53]I'm either too good or usually not good enough. I'm always the latter part. I'm never good enough. Right. So then I get lonely because then I get scared. I get fearful. Right.

[00:33:04]>> And then Yeah. So then then then there I am isolating because I'm not good enough. But okay. Okay. So, Miss Keto, what was your lowest point when it comes to the loneliness and identity loss when you were supermodel extraordinaire shooting, hanging out with Whitney Houston and Kevin Cosby, >> being on the set? When what was your lowest point?

[00:33:25]>> Well, I it was it would probably have been, you know, when I came here, came to Vegas and, you know, I checked myself into Mandalay Bay >> instead of checking myself into a rehab like I should have. And you know, I proceeded to um try to figure out how to do sex work there. You know, I which I really didn't know, you know, exactly how I was different from, you know, was and it was different. So, um yeah, and you know, and it was at a point that, you know, you get down on your knees and that was my lowest point. Again, it was like brown bag, half naked in some on some road, I don't know, in Vegas. And I didn't never thought I would be that girl that, you know, when you like now I see them. I see them and I'm like that was me. I can't believe it. I understand it, you know, and there's such a way out and there's so much hope and there's so many good places that we can go for that um for that support that we need, you know, and it doesn't again and it doesn't matter whether you're in the industry or not or you're just a regular person because we understand lonely. Yep.

[00:34:33]>> We understand the pain. Exactly.

[00:34:34]>> And then we also understand the spiritual answer because it's a spiritual answer. It's always a spiritual answer, >> right? But but the main point is there is a solution.

[00:34:42]>> There is a solution that either.

[00:34:43]>> No. No. And that it and that it was sufficient.

[00:34:47]>> Yeah.

[00:34:47]>> It was sufficient enough to keep me staying sober because I'm like, if this isn't fun, >> I'm not staying. I'm not going to stay >> or I'm I could stop, but how do I stay stopped? That's the question.

[00:34:59]>> Yeah. How do you stay so Right. Exactly.

[00:35:01]How do you stay? That's the whole thing.

[00:35:02]>> You stopping >> cuz I could stop for a week or maybe even a week like flowers I'm good.

[00:35:08]>> Yeah. Well, like I understand today that there's nothing a drink won't make worse. When I was drinking it, you know, it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't help me. I may think that it does the drug or you know the drug or the drink might help me that second but in the long run it doesn't you know you know I need that internal connection with whatever it is I'm going to call it okay we don't have to say anything whatever that is for you you need to find that you need to find that jersey for me >> I can call it the god me too >> you know I can you know further go I'm a Christian you know So um you know that works for me.

[00:35:49]>> Me too.

[00:35:50]>> That works for me >> and it has worked for me that spiritual because it's no longer on my shoulder.

[00:35:56]>> The whole time I thought it was on my shoulders. Yeah.

[00:35:59]>> Still today, >> right? I'm thinking it's on my shoulders. I'm like h can you please remember Kita? It's not your job to worry.

[00:36:09]>> Exactly. Or sometimes I think oh I did it. Let me pop my color. It's all me.

[00:36:13]It's all Ava. Oh created all this. I'm that powerful.

[00:36:17]>> Oh yeah, I know. I know. Yeah. Right.

[00:36:19]So, we have to get right size. So, and then and it's continual and that's why the relationships that we forge today are so important. The people that I surround myself with, >> you know, who do I want to surround myself with?

[00:36:31]>> Most definitely >> to to keep me in that spiritual alignment to keep reminding me that that's the answer.

[00:36:38]>> Yeah, that's right. Definitely reminders. I got a big forget the mental blank.

[00:36:42]>> Thank good Thank good I'll tell you what. If I didn't I hate to say if I because I get I do get paid for my practice my yoga practice but I needed to have that because if I God knew that if I didn't you know or that I couldn't have you know fun with that now that I wouldn't show up.

[00:37:02]>> Yeah.

[00:37:03]>> I'd be like I'm not showing up. But because it but but I do love it. I do love it. And today I would I would show up with or without you know and I love the people who you know I'm I'm I'm at EOS and I teach there and I love my practice and I love all the people who have followed me for years for years now. It's been you know what over 26 years you know and I've been at but I've been teaching since I was like 16. So that a long time right.

[00:37:29]>> Wow. Well that's great. I want to hear more about that. But okay, so let's talk about addiction, healing, and sobriety.

[00:37:36]Okay. What did the early days of getting sober actually look like?

[00:37:39]>> Oh, right. A hot mess. A hot mess because I didn't even know how to dress, you know, because right, I'm coming from back from the strip club or whatever it is, you know, half naked with, you know, going to the meetings or whatever I needed to do. And uh and then and now and then, mind you, now we're trying to get our business, which is memorabilia experts and the collectibles. were trying to morph into something different, you know, on like the other ends, but still kind of in entertainment.

[00:38:05]>> Yes.

[00:38:06]>> And then I don't know how to do computers. I don't know how to run a business. What are you kidding me? So I just be catatonic, super emotional. I mean, I Another one of my favorite stories is um and of course, well, you know how I dress, you know. So I have the long zebra coat with my big pink furry hat and I'm going to drop off a postage package. It was a collectible and it's worth I don't it was worth like 30 40,000 I don't know something like that and so I have to take it and get like special you know like uh you know like to ship it special right and I get up there and it and it happens to be holidays and there's a line and I'm coming up in my zebra coke pink hat you know what my big probably chunk of shoes coming through right and everybody's staring at me >> well yeah I would stare at me too okay now I'm getting hot I'm like everybody's staring at me I've got this box and they're staring at me. I'm like, I can't believe. And I go up there and they start asking me questions like, "What's in the box?" I'm like, "Well, should I tell you what's in the box?" Is this in drug deal?

[00:39:06]>> Yeah. Yeah. Right. Exactly. Exactly. I'm like and I'm getting and I could and and I'm like trying to answer the questions and I'm like starting to sweat and I and I take the box and I run out. Now, mind you, there's payones at that time.

[00:39:19]There's payones. And I run out there's a pay and we had an 800 number. And so I go to try to call like the number and I'm I think I called Victor and I'm like I was just cry I couldn't get in the car and drive.

[00:39:33]>> Yeah.

[00:39:34]>> That was early sobriety.

[00:39:35]>> Yes. But because it's like we're we're trying to like un unlearn or try excuse me trying to learn how to do things without drinking and drugging. So it's like foreign.

[00:39:45]>> Yeah. It's very foreign. Everything was very foreign. Yeah. So but but you know but again I I we were able to do it. We had parties sober and we continue. By the way, we're having another party.

[00:39:55]>> I heard. I heard. Yeah. Are you there?

[00:39:57]>> Yeah. So, um Yeah. And we get to do that and and and and it's a great time. I just never knew that could happen. I never knew I could have a so a sober party and everybody show up and everybody is so loud. Yeah. I mean I mean it's crazy. It's it's great. Great.

[00:40:13]It's it's a testament to um really life itself and to the per everyone's personal journey.

[00:40:18]>> Yes. Most definitely. Okay. What was the hardest part about facing yourself without substances?

[00:40:27]>> Oh, really? Really?

[00:40:30]>> You know, okay. I probably would have to say it's, you know, within the interest of is aging is accepting myself. Aging, getting, you know, you know, the the the little handles and whatever it is and the wrinkle here and this and that is aging. And you know, like for years up until I'm going to say maybe three years ago, four years ago. So that you're talking maybe 20 some years of sobriety here, my driver's license had the wrong age, the wrong birth date, okay? And I had to finally change it, okay? Because it wasn't working anymore with, you know, life, okay? Like everyone's like, it's nothing's matching here, you know?

[00:41:10]So um but I think it was the acceptance of myself exactly the way I am with all my imperfections which is what I practice in my yoga journey as well on my mat. I practice accepting myself accepting my poses accepting my limitations you know accepting you know the places where I advance and excel.

[00:41:33]>> Yeah >> that's another hard part too.

[00:41:35]>> Sure. Sure. But but what did you teach me? Right in our famous literature in our literature right page 64 says right when when the spiritual maladies overcome we straighten out mentally and physically right and you taught me that through the step work.

[00:41:52]>> Yeah. Yeah.

[00:41:53]>> Right. So aging can be done gracefully and >> absolutely >> little nip and tuck here and there don't harm you in line and let them not looking for it's a fix >> and I can that's what my whole Exactly.

[00:42:04]It's how we >> fixes us.

[00:42:07]>> Yeah. That's right. That's right. And when I when that's when I identify with that, then everything else is okay. The money is okay. The surgeries are okay because I'm not identifying myself with that. And it's okay. It doesn't matter.

[00:42:20]It doesn't matter anymore. Whereas before >> it did. Oh, yeah.

[00:42:24]>> It did. And and and I couldn't let anybody know what I was feeling. And oh my god. And I had to like keep fighting with Oh my the young 18-year-old girls that are coming up. Like seriously, I I can't compete with that. Mind you, the same thing with business.

[00:42:38]>> Yes.

[00:42:39]>> When we with memorabilia experts, I'm trying to compete with with 60 million, 80 million, hundred million dollar companies and you know, we're just a few million, you know, we're we're a small business and I'm trying once again, we're trying to we did we did we and we were great, you know, and I was able to compete, but you know what?

[00:42:56]>> No, you can't do that. You can't sustain it.

[00:43:00]>> Exactly.

[00:43:00]>> You can't you know Yeah. Of course. I mean, we, you know, we came on full force just like Victor and I normally would because just of your persona.

[00:43:08]Sure. Just because of our great personas and our character, you know, and so that came in with we were the company. Sure.

[00:43:14]You see what I'm saying? We were part of that, you know, but >> you know, hey, you that acceptance of reality, you know, has to stay, you know, and that's why with our business today, I love it because it's boutique.

[00:43:27]>> Yes, >> it's boutique.

[00:43:29]>> I love it. I get great memorabilia and you know what? It's just fine. I'm blessed by God. God gives us enough.

[00:43:36]>> Exactly. But but you know what I did hear is the word compete, >> right? Cuz guess what?

[00:43:41]>> There's no competition cuz everyone's a winner, right? Everyone wins. It's always success stories, right? For everyone. Yes. We all come up together.

[00:43:49]>> We all come up together. And what I build you up, that's the whole thing now.

[00:43:54]>> Exactly. I understand that helping other people build themselves up >> helps me actually helps my >> my self-esteem, >> you know, my self-esteem and then that helps me build up.

[00:44:06]>> Exactly. And also rooting for the other company or the other business that we all come up and then >> they win, I win. We all win together.

[00:44:14]Right.

[00:44:15]>> That's right. That's right. That's right. I can do that today.

[00:44:18]>> Okay. How did you begin to forgive yourself? I asked this because your dreams became your nightmares and that was not the road you wanted to take. How do you forgive yourself?

[00:44:27]>> Well, that's a long that's a long a long long process, right?

[00:44:34]>> Mhm.

[00:44:34]>> I think that self forgiveness is um >> I think that's the first part really of I think that's really the first and foremost thing that you have to focus on is yourself and the forgiveness of yourself of your imperfections.

[00:44:48]everything that I've done imperfectly, everything I didn't get, everything I did get, you know, um, and being once again, acceptance is the answer. It's that accept that self-acceptance. So, I mean, I think that was right away. I think right and I could only do that with >> I hate to say it, but with the 12step program, that was what guided me. I don't know. I that's what I needed. It spoke it spoke my language. I needed to hear it in a different language. I mean, I heard it in all kinds of different books and churches and this and that.

[00:45:17]They speak the same words except it's a different song. It's a different sound for me. It's on a different frequency.

[00:45:28]And then once I heard that frequency and then they told me, Kito, you have to forgive yourself. You have to forgive yourself first. You're first.

[00:45:36]>> Yeah.

[00:45:37]>> And then everything else followed.

[00:45:39]>> Yeah.

[00:45:39]>> So that was pretty early on. You have to do that pretty early on. Otherwise you personally I don't think you can continue your sobriety.

[00:45:48]>> Yeah. Well for me it's it's the language of the heart. It's like I need that identity. I need that relating to others and then right then it then it speaks to me cuz that's dep I'm not going to ask >> a homeless person how to be a millionaire. I'm not going to ask someone that's overweight how do I get ripped abs like right? But I will ask the people in the rooms that have walked through what I've walked through. Yeah.

[00:46:12]And and have >> and there's so many people there's so many people who have had success stories in all professions that we can tap into and it's available to us. And that's what I love and that's why there's so much hope. Like we don't have to stay in the suffering. If you're suffering right now, you don't have to suffer. There is a way out. That's right.

[00:46:31]>> There is a way out. You are loved.

[00:46:33]>> You are loved. You are so loved. Yeah.

[00:46:36]>> So, um >> and and we have a friend that says pain is mandatory, but suffering is optional, >> right?

[00:46:44]>> Yeah, that's right.

[00:46:45]>> Okay. So, do you feel that your addictions were encouraged in the modeling world or socially acceptable?

[00:46:51]>> 100% encouraged and socially acceptable.

[00:46:55]100%. You know, that was just part of that was part of the world. And that and that's why I'm like so like this me too is like where were you? That's not true.

[00:47:02]I just feel like that it's a lot of lip service. Like all of a sudden they're like, "Oh, you you know, you're finding out our big bad dark secret."

[00:47:10]>> No, it was part, you know what? Look, it's part of it. It's part of it. Okay.

[00:47:12]Well, then talk about it, >> you know, because it's still, you know, true. That's why it was happening since Judy Garland to now. I mean, they wanted they were putting um, you know, they were giving her I don't know what they were at that time like diet pills to make sure she was skinned. So, they were giving everybody drugs. They do it actually. Same thing in sports. our very good friend Doc Ellis who passed away from the Pittsburgh Pirates who pitched a no-h hitter on acid by the way and admittedly who was a very good friend of Victors and ours who also was in a 12step program >> right >> you know said the same thing >> you know that you know so he said that they were giving they called them greenies at that time in the coffee like One would be the greeny one, one would be the other one.

[00:48:01]So, >> I don't know. I I I I'm not exactly sure what really to say about it, but it it's out there and it's happening.

[00:48:08]>> Sure.

[00:48:09]>> And and you you know, it's not a good thing, but there's other ways that we can do our business without drugs and drinking. It's just you just don't need it. It's the truth. You do not need it.

[00:48:20]You do not need it to become successful.

[00:48:23]You do not need it for your personal image. You know there's spirituality is always a better way. Yeah. There's always there's a better journey.

[00:48:32]>> Yeah. I like that. Okay. So now back to your spiritual spirituality. What does spirituality mean to you now?

[00:48:41]>> Oh well. Okay. So in a nutshell, okay, I think that first and foremost it's going to be like if I'm going to maybe generalize it because that's so like really to tap in. I mean, everybody needs to find right their way. I don't know. There's a lot of paths. There's a lot of paths to there. There's a lot of different ideals and thinking and I'm not like into getting there, you know, for me like I kind of tapped into what my journey was. I went into Zen Buddhism. I went into being born again.

[00:49:14]I, you know, and then I had none, you know, and then, you know, once again, but I was always seeking and searching.

[00:49:20]Then I got into yoga, got my own school, my yoga school, and then Christianity came upon me. And then I was able to really kind of melt the two together and understand now thinking about theology and physics and asking the question, well, can we actually, you know, talk about proving, you know, with physics and science about where the world comes from and how it started, you know. So there's and there's great books about that you know and that that I get to explore and I you know today that's where my spirituality takes me in terms of you know again enriching my spiritual condition.

[00:50:00]>> Yes. Yes. Okay.

[00:50:02]>> But it can be so simple. Exactly.

[00:50:03]>> It could be so simple as you know what >> breathing breathing and being still and appreciating and being in gratitude. You know it doesn't have to be complicated.

[00:50:14]Yeah.

[00:50:14]>> That's what I'm saying. It just doesn't >> it doesn't. It could be loving your kitty, loving your dog, loving your child, loving your family. Baroo, I love you so much, you know, and he I will never forget this either. This was another turning point for me because I never wanted to be responsible and and I called him up crying and you know about spirituality and what does it mean and blah blah blah and I'm in this business and and he goes, "Kita, there's spirituality in responsibility.

[00:50:45]There's spirituality and responsibility.

[00:50:47]I'm like, what? I don't want to be responsible. That's exactly what I'm trying to avoid. What do you mean spiritual supposed to be free?

[00:50:56]Free. Free. No. No. Spirituality means responsibility. It means taking care of your space, taking care of the earth, taking care of your loved ones, taking care of your whatever's around, whatever you surround and you touch is spiritual.

[00:51:11]And it's a responsibility that I have.

[00:51:14]And when he's told that, I mean that and and I still right to this day when I'm crying, paying bills, I can't do this, you know, right? It's like, wait a minute. No, I'm being spiritual.

[00:51:26]>> Yes.

[00:51:27]>> And then it changes it for me. I'm like, oh, okay. Okay. I see it. It's another journey.

[00:51:35]>> I love that.

[00:51:36]>> All right.

[00:51:36]>> Okay. So, now we're going to we're going to wrap this up by asking about yourself. Who are you today that you never thought you could become?

[00:51:47]>> A businesswoman >> first and foremost, right? I never thought I could be a business. I never thought I could handle a multi-million dollar company. Um, I never thought I could handle even like the social media and being in front, you know, like now it's like, oh god, I don't want to be in front of anybody and I don't want you, it's like I don't want you to know what I'm doing or who I am and I don't want to be transparent and I but that is I think part of what I need to do again for that responsibility to spirituality. Um, and so I think I think first and foremost I think I never thought I could do that. Ava is to actually be a businesswoman, >> right?

[00:52:27]>> Responsible business >> and Yeah. And and actually take care learn how to do computers, learn how to do accounting, learn how to take care of employees, uh, you know, or people that surround me, right? I never thought because that's part of what you do. You have to do the same. Not only do you have to do that, but then you have to be the star >> on top of that. So you got two dynamics going on and that's why a lot of people they hire you know that that business manager to help them you know but um yeah so I would I would say that you know I never thought I would be where I am today and you know and then you know sitting here even talking about it >> right we're not six feet under >> and dead I should be dead right >> yeah I can't believe that okay so now Miss Keto we need to hear your bad advice we have some fan questions that want to know your bad advice.

[00:53:18]>> Oh jeez. Okay.

[00:53:19]>> Okay. Uh, how did you learn how do you learn to sit with yourself when you spent so so long trying to escape?

[00:53:28]>> I learned to sit with myself by the detachment by the practice of detachment. And really it it's through my yoga practice. The way that I sit with myself is really through my yoga practice. I mean first of course was putting down the drink and drug. Okay.

[00:53:46]But you know, now this is what I do. So it's my breathing, right? It's my breathing and then my my practice.

[00:53:52]Sometimes I have to do a pose or maybe I throw up into a headstand or the twist or something like that or I'm always like putting my leg here and there.

[00:54:01]>> Oops. Is that Is that PG? Is that PG?

[00:54:05]>> All right. It's kind of my mind wasn't what that was.

[00:54:08]>> Okay. Well, I had to throw something in there. Make them >> All right. That's the bad advice.

[00:54:14]>> Okay. I strike a pose.

[00:54:15]>> Yes, I like it very Madonna. Okay. If you're as someone else, someone else wants to know if your opinion in your opinion what does healing actually require from a person? Because often time we don't see how challenging moving forward can be. So what does healing actually require from a person? How does one heal?

[00:54:36]>> Willingness is the key. We have to be willing to be willing to be willing.

[00:54:42]Willingness. I like >> and it could just be a little bit.

[00:54:46]>> So, as long as you have a little bit of willingness and you think, well, and it doesn't have to be 100%.

[00:54:51]>> Right. It just there's just like it's this little voice that says, "I think maybe."

[00:54:57]>> This one's yapping, but this one's going, "I think maybe."

[00:55:00]>> Yes, you can.

[00:55:02]>> I like it. Okay, so last question. If someone feels like they've gone too far to come back, what would you tell them?

[00:55:12]I know the way home.

[00:55:15]>> Yes.

[00:55:15]>> I know the way home. It's like take my hand. I know the way home. Right.

[00:55:19]>> Right. We're responsible.

[00:55:21]>> Yeah. So, there is a way out and there is a solution. And we are sitting here.

[00:55:27]We are sitting here lives in living color. And that's the proof right there.

[00:55:32]You do not have to sit in your misery.

[00:55:34]You don't have to sit in your addiction.

[00:55:36]That's the truth. The lie is that you think you do. So it's the the comeback is always greater than the setback.

[00:55:45]>> Yes.

[00:55:46]>> The comeback is always greater than the setback. So if you think you're in a setback right now, don't you worry because your comeback is coming right now. You hear it right here.

[00:55:56]>> Yeah.

[00:55:56]>> That's Ava's bad advice.

[00:55:58]>> Yeah. Thank you. Well, that wraps up another episode of Ava Divine's Bad Advice. Okay. What I took away today, you want to hear my bad advice?

[00:56:07]>> Yeah.

[00:56:07]>> Okay. So Ava's bad advice is fortune, fame, appearance, uh what's in your bank account does not equal validation. That's not going to fix you. Or I'll speak for myself. It's not going to fix me. It doesn't validate me. It's an inside job rather than an outside job.

[00:56:28]>> Love it.

[00:56:29]>> Yeah.

[00:56:31]Thank you so much, you guys. Stay tuned for next episode.

[00:56:35]>> Over and out.

[00:56:40]We're often told that if we change our bodies, we'll finally feel comfortable in ourselves. Body dysmorphia, self-image, and the deep disconnect many people feel in their own bodies.

[00:56:52]>> You are told to act or dress a certain way, and that was not the way in which I felt.

[00:56:58]>> Were the kids bullying you?

[00:57:00]>> Oh, they bullied me from day one. Even they would write [ __ ] on my locker. So, I had to graduate early and get out of there.

[00:57:06]>> The pressure women face to conform to beauty standards and the shame often attached to plastic surgery.

[00:57:13]>> The boobs got bigger, the lips got bigger, you know, and then you but you always have those people like you were better before. I've always hated how I look. I've never been at peace with it.

[00:57:22]>> Really? Because I see you as absolutely beautiful.

[00:57:27]>> I've not accepted anything. So, >> okay, that's okay.

[00:57:30]>> And I don't know if I ever will. botched surgeries, complications. Health is so much more important to me than a zero waste side. We question whether fixing the outside ever truly heals the inside and what it actually means to build self-acceptance in a world that constantly tells us we are not enough.