You Seek Validation Because You Don’t Believe You’re Worth It

追加: 2026-05-13

[00:00:00]Hi sweetie. Welcome or welcome back to my channel, if you are new here, my name is Tavi. And on this channel, we level up, we up, and we become the best versions of ourselves. If that sounds like something you would like to do, please click the subscribe button. It's for free. And give this video a thumbs up. if you liked or learned anything new today. So, my last video I spoke about how my selfworth was tied to my content and how I untied it and I'm the happiest and the freest person on earth. Because when you tie your selfworth to something that is outside of you, then you are externally seeking validation from things that you cannot control. And if you can't control where you get your validation, it means that you are always going to be in survival mode. You're always going to be worried whether people will validate you or not. You always feel like you need to do more, perform more, be more in order for you to get the validation. One of you asked me if I can touch base on selfworth, how do you cultivate selfworth? Because in order for you to validate yourself, in order for you to stop seeking external validation, in order for you to stop asking other people to validate you, you need to start validating yourself. But in order for you to start validating yourself, you need to know that you are worthy. I felt like I couldn't validate myself because I didn't feel like I was worth it. I didn't feel like I had the capacity, the worth, or the ability to validate myself because while I was growing up, I was made to feel like I always mess up. I'm not good enough. I'm a problem. I'm not important. I'm not beautiful. There's just nothing about me that can give me the capability and the capacity to validate myself or validate anyone or anything else. I felt like I was useless. Even though that's not something I would go around saying like, "Oh, I feel useless." Consciously, I knew that I was worthy. I knew that I was good enough. I used to tell myself, I used to come here and tell you guys all of that. But subconsciously, remember what we said, the subconscious mind doesn't believe things because you just say them, because you say your affirmations and because you believe that you are good enough, then the subconscious mind believes that. Your subconscious mind literally believes things based on how you were treated when you were growing up based on experiences. The subconscious mind looks at what happens, not at what you say.

[00:02:23]That's why affirmations hardly work for most people. Affirmations are for the conscious mind, but the subconscious mind learns through experiences, especially if those experiences were very, very emotional. If someone said something to you like, "Hey, Tabby, you're not good enough." And it makes you feel bad. I remember this one time I was at high school and there was a play.

[00:02:45]There was going to be a play. I was in the choir and then there was going to be a play and then unfortunately one of the kids got sick and they needed a replacement. And because I was confident at that time, I was like, I'm going to be the replacement. I went there and they they taught me the script and whatever. And when I was acting that the teachers literally said to me, you're not good enough. The way she said it, she didn't make me understand. Remember, I'm a child. I'm like 13, 14 years old.

[00:03:12]She didn't make me understand like, no, Tabby, you are good, but you're just not good enough for this part, right? So, the way she said you're not good enough, that type of thing stays in your mind.

[00:03:23]The fact that I can even remember that day, it means that it left a lasting impression in my subconscious mind. And to top it all off, there were a lot of places in my life that I already felt not good enough. So when my teacher said that to me, it just sort of packed on.

[00:03:41]It verified and validated the fact that I'm not good enough. So I couldn't validate myself because I didn't have selfworth. So because I felt like I wasn't worth it, I couldn't validate myself. So you see, the external validation comes because there's no internal selfworth. And there's no internal selfworth because of your past experiences, because of the things that have happened to you. So in order for us to stop seeking external validation, you need to start having selfworth. Remember external seeking external validation is not something you consciously choose to do. Like, oh, I'm so full of myself. I want everyone to say I'm pretty. I want everyone to validate me because I'm the queen. No, it's tiring and it's unconscious to you. Every time you have to go to the shops, you need to make sure that your hair is fine. You always feel like everyone is watching you. All eyes are on you. People are judging you.

[00:04:35]Oh, they judging my clothes. They judging my face. They're judging my my body. It gives you social anxiety. When you think about going out, being with other people, it's really really hard for you. You start being an introvert.

[00:04:49]You start being a person that enjoys staying in the house and feels safer in the house. Because if you are in the house and you are alone, you are safe.

[00:04:57]No one can judge you. No one can see how badly your skin looks. No one can see how badly your hair looks. You are safe in the house. So you start being a home body. You start saying, "I like being by myself. I like my own time." Which is not a bad thing. But if deep down inside like how I felt deep down inside I always wanted to have a group of friends where we can go out for drinks and look cute. I I I I like being a mother. I enjoy being a mother. I enjoy being at home. But there are those weekends, man, where I'm like gh I just wish I had a friend. I just wish I had someone I can go out with. Maybe to the mall, to the movies. I just wish because I am human at the end of the day. We do want those things. We do want those connections.

[00:05:42]And if that happens and you have no one around you because you have become such a homebody and you have closed everyone out, it really, really isn't nice. I ended up being alone, being by myself and not having friends because human beings felt unsafe to me. The human beings that were in my life while I was growing up made me feel like I was nothing. Made me feel like I was useless. The very same human beings have to be the one that give me the validation that I am looking for that I am seeking. Everyone in this world wants to know that they are important.

[00:06:13]Everyone wants to know that they are not useless. No one wants to be useless.

[00:06:17]It's within us. It's a human need to know that you are worth something. You are not useless because you are made in the image of God. You are the universe.

[00:06:27]The universe cannot be useless. So there's that thing, there's that peace inside of you that knows that I need to be seen as useful. I need to be useful.

[00:06:37]I cannot be useless. If I think that I'm useless, I am living a lie. I am telling myself a lie. I am lying about myself.

[00:06:45]But I need someone something to show me and tell me and prove to me that I am worthy, that I am deserving, that I am not useless. So when you don't trust yourself because these people have told you that you are useless, you go out and you look for it. You go out and you seek that external validation from other people. So how do you cultivate that selfworth? The first step is you need to realize that you are seeking external validation. If you're a person that has social anxiety, social gatherings feel like a stone on top of you. Every time you need to go out, you are restless.

[00:07:24]You're thinking about what you're going to wear. All of a sudden, you want to diet because you need to lose the weight. All of a sudden, your skin is not good enough. Just going to the shop is a problem for you. I hate going to the shops. I never really understood why I hated going to the shops. But now that I know that I had social anxiety, it made sense. I felt like every time I had to go to the shop, I needed to look good. It always felt like someone was looking at me, judging me. When you're with people, you feel like you don't belong. You feel like something is wrong. you are out of place. Even if you do belong, even if you earned your way to be in that room, to be with those people. If you are in that room, you belong in that room, but somehow you can't shake the feeling that everyone is better than you and you just don't belong here. You have the fear of being seen. I used to not go outside and hang my clothes if I knew that the lady that stays outside is outside. I will literally wait for her to finish what she's doing before I take my clothes out. Imagine, right? I can't be in the kitchen. I can't make food in the kitchen. If someone else is in the kitchen, I have to wait for that person to finish and then I go in the kitchen and I do whatever. When my partner comes back home, I need to make sure that I'm done with the cleaning. I'm done with the cooking. By the time he comes back, I need to be sitting down with him. I can't clean in front of him. I can't cook in front of him. Why? Because when I was younger, everything I did was a mistake. Now I have a fear of being seen do things because I my adult mind might know that this person won't shout at me is my partner but because my subconscious mind holds my inner child my inner child still believes that based on the experiences that we had people shout at you when you do mistakes Ty so that's what happens if you are that type of person you need to start knowing you need to work with that inner child that is within you so that she or he knows that Hey, actually I am worth it.

[00:09:20]Actually I am deserving. So the first thing that you need to do, you need to start understanding that the people that were in your life or that are still in your life right now do not determine whether you are worthy or not. Like I said before, you are made in the image of God. You are the universe. The same material that made the cows, the trees, the air, the rain, the clouds, this magnificent planet that we are living in, the same energy that created all these amazing things created you. You are made in the image of God. You are God itself. I'm not saying that you have the powers like God to create and we should worship you. I'm saying that if God is the sea, you are the drop in that sea. We don't need to worship you. You don't need to worship me because I'm saying I'm God. I'm just saying I was made from God. Nothing the universe makes, nothing that is in this world is useless. And I know it might be hard to believe that if you spent your whole life believing that you will only be worth it if you get the money, if you get the husband, if you get the wife, if you get this body, if you get this job, if you get this position, but you need to understand that you are worth it because of who you are. I want you to think of people who are born in the royal family. Those people do not have to work a certain way, do a certain thing to prove that they are royalty.

[00:10:48]Just them having royal blood is enough.

[00:10:52]They are royalty because they were born in royalty and you are like that as well. You are enough and you are worth it. There is someone out there who will spend money, time, energy, and effort for you. But that person first has to be you. It might take a little bit of time for your subconscious mind to believe that because remember the subconscious mind learns through experiences, not just what you say. Experiences really, really matter to your subconscious mind.

[00:11:24]But the first step is for you to understand that it's nothing that you do on the outside that makes you worth it.

[00:11:31]Nothing, no amount of job, no amount of money, no amount of a certain type of body weight, no amount of a a certain person choosing you will make you worth it. You can't make someone royalty when they are already royalty. You can't make someone something they already are. And remember, worth is very, very subjective. Worth is a belief. I believe this is worthy. Another person believes it's not worth it. You have to believe yourself first [laughter] that you are worth it. Really sit with it and say I'm worth it. I'm worth it because I say I am worth it. Because worth is a belief. Meaning that it's different from person to person. You have to be the one who says I am worth it and say it and feel it. I am worth it. I am literally worth it. Whether I have money right now, whether I don't have a job right now, whether I don't have money right now, whether that guy wants me or not, whether that person complimented me or not, whether I have that job or not, just by being alive, I am worth it. You can never look at a newborn baby that was just born right now and look at it and say this baby is unworth.

[00:12:49]You can never say that. Every child that is born, every baby that is born is born worth it. They start not believing that because the people around them do not do a good job showing them and making them understand that they are worth it. And we can't blame our parents. Most of our parents don't know these things. They don't know you need to affirm a child.

[00:13:11]They were never affirmed themselves. Now it's your turn. Now it's your turn to reparent yourself. In order for you to stop seeking external validation and build selfworth, you need to start believing that you are worth it. First of all, you need to say it for your conscious mind. It needs to be something that you are aware of and you understand and you believe. But then remember, we also need to get your subconscious mind to believe it as well. We need to get that inner child believing as well.

[00:13:39]Otherwise, the behavior won't change.

[00:13:42]Otherwise, you will still get social anxiety when you go outside. Otherwise you will still seek external validation because your subconscious mind controls your behaviors. So what changes the behaviors the things that happen in your life. So you need to prove to your subconscious mind that you are worth it.

[00:13:59]The simplest things that I started doing was posting what I wanted to post whether people liked it or not. It was so difficult. I posted a video knowing very well it won't go viral. I know now these things. I know how the algorithm works, especially on Tik Tok. So, I know when I post this, this is going to go viral. I know what gets people talking.

[00:14:20]I know what gets people writing comments. The comments push the video, the video goes viral. I know. So, I intentionally posted something I wanted to post but knew won't go viral and then I sat with the discomfort of people not validating it, people not liking it. I needed to tell myself over and over again, I posted this because I want to post it. I validated it. I thought it was good because I have the power to do that. I have the power to say this is good. This is bad. I am worth it. So for you it might look like wearing that dress you were afraid people will judge.

[00:15:05]Doing your makeup the way you want to do it. Going to work with no makeup on.

[00:15:10]knowing people will judge you, will laugh, will stare, will say things.

[00:15:14]Doing that thing either way, knowing that you won't get the validation.

[00:15:20]You need to tell yourself that it doesn't I don't want their validation anymore. I want mine. Mine matters. You understand? That does something to your mind where you're like, I know their validation feels nice, but I want to if I say this thing looks nice. If I say I want to do it and I will do it. When your body sees that you have survived not seeking or getting any validation from other people then it becomes an experience. When you can do something for yourself and no matter how the response was from other people whether they validated you or not and you survived it, it becomes an experience and then your mind is like oh actually we have the ability to validate ourselves. Actually we do have the capacity and the capabilities to validate ourselves. Not only are you stopping the external validation, you are also building your selfworth. So experience is your greatest friend. You can tell yourself all day every day for 20 years that you are worth it. But if there are no experiences that prove that to you, then your subconscious mind will keep believing that you are not worth it. It means the experiences from your past are still the ones that are controlling what your subconscious mind believes. So you need to intentionally do something for yourself. For example, on Tik Tok, I used to post videos that educated, that helped, that brought value to people. I always wanted to post vlogs, but I was afraid of posting vlogs because I was like, "Oh, it's not valuable. It's not worth it. People won't validate my vlogs. I know for sure. I know the videos that go viral on Tik Tok. I know if I talk about this, it's going to go viral. But if I do this, it's not going to go viral. I know vlogs don't go viral for most people.

[00:17:17]Vlogs go viral for people that people already know, people already trust, people already like or you have like this extreme thing happening in your vlog that people can talk about, right?

[00:17:29]I know the matrix of Tik Tok and I know that my vlog is just going to be just another vlog on Tik Tok and people won't see it. So, I've been afraid of posting vlogs because I knew vlogs won't get me external validation. They won't get the likes. They won't get the comments. They won't get the validation. But I did it anyways. I did the vlog. I filmed the vlog and I posted the vlog. It didn't get likes. It didn't get as much likes as my other educational videos. But I needed to sit in that uncomfortable feeling seeing only 20 people like my vlog where else I was getting like 300k likes before. I needed at that moment in time to tell myself that I'm not doing this for other people's validation. I'm doing this for myself because I say this vlog is fine because I validate this vlog because I know that I am capable and this vlog is beautiful and I gave it my all. Only my opinion matters about this vlog. And guess what? My nervous system and my mind was like, "Oh my god, Tabby can actually have an opinion. She can actually be someone who has an opinion." And the world didn't end. The world didn't blow up. Nothing bad happened when Tubby stopped seeking validation from other people. When she validated that that thing herself, it means Tubby has worth. It means Tubby has substance. It means Tubby is valuable. Tubby is a somebody. Tubby doesn't always make mistakes. And that's when your mind, your subconscious mind starts learning that you are actually someone it can trust. You actually have authority. You have the capabilities and you have the capacity to make decisions without leaning on someone else without asking someone else to approve of that thing. That's how you stop seeking external validation and also at the same time you are bringing up you are cultivating selfworth because your mind knows that you are capable and you are valuable. You have the capabilities. you are the type of person that can make those types of decisions and you're not relying on other people. That on itself will help you a lot with cultivating selfworth. The second thing we know that if you deem something as worth it, if you deem something as worthy, you spend time, energy, and effort on that thing.

[00:19:52]So you need to start having something that you do for yourself. You're not doing it for the outcome. You're not doing it because it's going to get you noticed or it's going to get you this, this, this, and the other. You're doing it for yourself. For example, I started baking. I started a sourdough starter. I want to start baking bread. I don't want to start selling the bread. I don't want to start selling the cookies or the biscuits I make. I'm just baking for myself. When I bake, that is me spending time with myself. No Tik Tok, no disruptions, nothing. just me myself the flour and the eggs and the sugar I am spending time with myself most of the time we don't even notice how much energy we are putting out to other things external things that's why our mind believes that those things are better that's why your mind believes that other people's opinion is better than yours and they are more worth it than you because you are not spending time on yourself there's nothing you do in this world that's just for you bath so that you don't stink You eat because you have to have energy to move around. You spend your whole day watching other people on the internet or at your job working for someone else.

[00:21:05]But there's not a single thing that you do for yourself that is just for you.

[00:21:10]Even when you do your hair, something that's supposed to be for you, you're doing it with your boyfriend in mind or other people complimenting you.

[00:21:18]Everything you do is for others, others.

[00:21:20]Others, others. You need to have one thing whether it's embarrassing, whether it's not going to give you or yield any result or going to give you any beautiful aesthetic outcome that is just for you. You need to spend time and energy with yourself because when you find something worth it, you spend energy and time on the thing. And then the last thing you can do is spend money on yourself. Not go all out. be very conscious and aware when you go to the shops maybe to buy something for your family. You buy yourself a ch one chocolate and you're like this is for me and I'm going to enjoy it. I bought it for myself. I'm not buying it for anything else other than myself. When you buy a perfume, you don't buy a perfume because I'm going to get compliments with this one. You buy a perfume for yourself because you think it smells nice, not because anyone else thinks it smells nice. You go get a haircut or a hairstyle for yourself because you think it looks nice. When you find something worthy and valuable, you spend money on it. That's how you cultivate selfworth. It will be uncomfortable with other things. It will be uncomfortable. If you're used to wearing makeup because you are afraid of what others will say about your face, when you stop wearing the makeup, it's going to be very uncomfortable. But you need to do that until your subconscious mind has enough experiences to believe that you are worth it. Remember what you do matters more than what you say. What you say matters. You affirming yourself.

[00:23:02]You saying I'm worthy. I'm deserving.

[00:23:04]I'm valuable. It matters. But what you do, how you treat yourself, the experiences you have with yourself, the experiences you have with other people, those are the ones that teach your subconscious mind. That's why you'll find people who say affirmations for years and years and years and nothing happens. Nothing [clears throat] changes. It's because the affirmations are for your conscious mind. You need to change subconsciously.

[00:23:28]You need your mind, your body, your nervous system, your inner child to know that you are worth it. And when you are worth it, when you are worthy, when you have selfworth, you spend time energy with yourself. You don't seek others approval. You approve yourself. You know that you have the power, the capabilities, and the authority to approve yourself. Not everything is outsourced. You do things for yourself.

[00:23:54]You spend time with yourself. You take care of yourself. That's how you build selfworth. Thank you so much if you made it this far to the video. I really do appreciate it. Please do give it a thumbs up if you liked or learned anything. If you haven't subscribed, please do. It's for free and it takes away nothing from you. Please leave this emoji in the comment section if you did make it this far so that I know that you're a real one. Remember, you can work oneonone with me. I will leave all the links in the description or in the pinned comments. and I will see you on the next