The Office BUT It's Just Side Quests

Added: 2026-05-17

[00:00:00]I do believe that the game is a big hit.

[00:00:03]People are really diving into their characters. Y'all.

[00:00:13]And I'm a maid in the house. Sorry I'm late, boss. What's going on? Sir, there has been a murder and you are a suspect.

[00:00:21]>> Okay. Hang on just a sec. Let me settle in and I'll be right back.

[00:00:25]>> Very good. Very good. Now, no one was there in the wine cellar.

[00:00:41]And who are you, I do declare?

[00:00:44]My name is Jim and I'm actually a time traveler from 2009 and I'm here to tell you that there's a paper company in Scranton, Pennsylvania that has a lot of work not getting done.

[00:00:53]No fair. Okay, he gets to travel back in time. I should be able to travel back in time to the night of the murder and find out who killed Bill Bourbon. Okay, I'll allow it. Do it.

[00:01:02]Okay, I just did it. Who's the murderer?

[00:01:05]It's too dark, I couldn't see.

[00:01:08]So, since spies are not allowed to have children, I was put up for adoption and the Nutmeg family took me in.

[00:01:17]What does this have to do with the mystery? Well, nothing in particular, I guess.

[00:01:25]Uh but it just so happens you and I are not blood relations.

[00:01:29]Fancy that.

[00:01:30]I understand the two of you live on the same street and yet hate each other.

[00:01:34]Explain.

[00:01:36]Well, he's always climbing up into my peach tree making my peaches smell like feet.

[00:01:43]>> That's right. And she, her cat ate my dog.

[00:01:55]Wait there, young lady. Hello.

[00:01:58]I would be remiss if I did not ask the pretty young lady out on a date for this weekend.

[00:02:05]Sounds like a plan, sugar.

[00:02:08]All right.

[00:02:09]A plan it is.

[00:02:14]>> [laughter] >> I was not by the wine cellar.

[00:02:18]Excuse me. WELL, look who done snuck off. Think you can get away that easy?

[00:02:25]No, sir. I have a question for you. Did you see Mr. Bourbon on his veranda that evening? No, sir. I did not.

[00:02:35]I don't know a thing. You don't know a thing.

[00:02:38]That's what they all say. Come with me, sir. You need to tell me exactly what you saw and exactly what YOU DID THAT ENTIRE EVENING.

[00:02:50]I was in bed with NAUGHTY NELLY. NAUGHTY NELLY?

[00:02:56]THE HARLOT FROM CHARLOTTE.

[00:03:00]I DO DECLARE I SEEN HER UNDERWEAR.

[00:03:04]VOODOO mama juju, explain your dalliance with the dark arts. It's not my fault. I was exposed to Harry Potter.

[00:03:11]I know you did it. I know she didn't do it. It's never the person you most suspect. It's also never the person you least suspect.

[00:03:20]Since anyone with half a brain would suspect them the most. Therefore, I know the killer to be Beatrice.

[00:03:28]AKA Beatrice Bourbon.

[00:03:32]The person I most medium suspect.

[00:03:35]Do you want to go out on a date with me? We can make out by the horses.

[00:03:42]Well, you know old Nelly is always up for a romp in the hay. How about a threesome?

[00:03:49]Yeah, my boudoir is always open. Nice.

[00:03:54]I'm a little worried I might have asked out Naughty Nelly and not Erin.

[00:03:57]Which would be a whole lot less appealing because Naughty Nelly says yes to everyone.

[00:04:01]And she might be a murderer.

[00:04:03]Paula Abdul I just got an email from corporate, specifically for accounting to stop all payments to our vendors.

[00:04:11]What does that mean?

[00:04:12]Well, maybe nothing, but it could be a problem with liquidity.

[00:04:15]>> Yankee accent coming out of your mouth, son? This here is Savannah.

[00:04:21]Phyllis, yeah.

[00:04:23]Uh Yes.

[00:04:25]Uh Plant plant haters plantation We running low on uh greenbacks. And we having problems uh paying the people who give us the seeds and the dirt. We can't pay them. Michael I can't Tit for tat. Give it your best shot. Two punches. Go.

[00:04:46]Look, if we were in a bar right now, there would be two punches. Me punching you and you hitting the floor.

[00:04:52]>> your first punch, rendering you ineffective.

[00:04:53]>> Oh, really?

[00:04:54]>> Yeah. You know what? You're just lucky that we're at work right now.

[00:04:56]>> Ooh, what about uh Dwight's Dojo? No, they just have classes.

[00:05:00]>> free during the day. It's fine.

[00:05:01]>> Look. I got the key. Michael Hey, Toby.

[00:05:04]Hey, you know what? I have an idea. Why don't you leave right now?

[00:05:08]Why don't you walk away from the room, okay?

[00:05:11]Fine.

[00:05:13]We'll go at lunch.

[00:05:16]I recognize that.

[00:05:18]That is Japanese for California roll. Uh no, it's not.

[00:05:22]>> I think it is. A guy told me about that.

[00:05:23]Actually, it's a symbol for eternal discipline. Sir, your shoes. Yes. You're going to have to take them off. It's a sign of respect.

[00:05:31]Oh.

[00:05:32]Well, in my office, if you took off your shoes, it would be a sign of disrespect.

[00:05:38]Stinky feet veil. Kind of a Ying Yang.

[00:05:45]Oh, stretching.

[00:05:46]>> [clears throat and snorts] >> I like to STAY TIGHT, COMPACT.

[00:05:49]>> [screaming] >> HERE YOU GO.

[00:05:52]PLEASE PUT THIS ON. DO YOU HAVE UH DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING in like black?

[00:05:57]No, just white.

[00:05:58]>> Wow, that is really interesting. What?

[00:06:01]Your love I'm just kidding. I can't say anything.

[00:06:03]>> [laughter] >> Look closer.

[00:06:06]Okay.

[00:06:07]>> for me. Tied up.

[00:06:08]>> Oh, you're dead.

[00:06:09]>> What? What are you going to do? Bring it, Beesley. Bring it. Ooh, yeah. The move. Ooh, not such an old fighter now, huh? Hey, put me down. Put me >> [laughter] >> down.

[00:06:18]Oh my god, hey, put me down. Hey.

[00:06:45]You ready? Okay, gentlemen, listen up.

[00:06:48]After a clean strike to the chest, stomach, or kidneys, I will separate you and award a point. First person to three wins, all right?

[00:06:56]>> Yes, sensei.

[00:06:56]>> A lot of rules. A lot of rules. On the street, we didn't have any rules. Maybe one. No kicks to the groin. Home for dinner.

[00:07:03]Hi, sensei. Hi, Dwight.

[00:07:05]That's Alyssa, my senpai. She just qualified for regionals. Oss.

[00:07:11]Alyssa?

[00:07:12]I guess she's technically the senpai.

[00:07:15]But nobody really respects her.

[00:07:17]The only reason she got into regionals was because her competition was a bunch of 13-year-old girls.

[00:07:23]Put me in that division. Let's see how SHE DOES.

[00:07:27]SUBMIT.

[00:07:28]>> [screaming] >> WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? DWIGHT. YES. NO WAY. OKAY.

[00:07:33]>> EAT IT. ALL RIGHT, THAT'S THE WAY YOU WANT TO PLAY DIRTY, HUH? OKAY, GAME ON, MAN.

[00:07:38]Sweep the leg.

[00:07:39]>> coming at you, man.

[00:07:47]Okay, purple belt.

[00:07:49]Okay.

[00:07:49]I got it. No, I got his pants.

[00:07:52]>> Those are my pants.

[00:07:53]No points for pants.

[00:07:55]What you have? No, look. No, you have something You have something God, you look LIKE SUCH AN IDIOT.

[00:08:02]>> [screaming] [applause] >> COME ON. GATE OF STEEL, YOU CANNOT PENETRATE.

[00:08:34]OH, NICE TRY.

[00:08:40]CLEAN TAKE. YOU CAN'T >> THAT AGAIN.

[00:08:42]DO THAT AGAIN. I DARE YOU.

[00:08:44]>> [screaming] >> OKAY, BREAK.

[00:08:47]BREAK. NO, I'M HOLDING IT. OH, YOU CAN'T SEE. YOU CAN'T SEE.

[00:08:51]ONE POINT. [screaming] TWO POINTS. THREE POINTS.

[00:08:53]IT BREAKS. FOUR POINTS EACH.

[00:08:55]I WIN.

[00:08:56]I WIN.

[00:08:57]OH.

[00:08:58]YEAH. NO, you didn't say it.

[00:09:00]NO, I DID.

[00:09:01]EIGHT POINTS.

[00:09:02]NINE POINTS.

[00:09:05]STOP IT. NO.

[00:09:07]COME ON.

[00:09:08]MY TURN. OPEN YOUR MOUTH. NO, MY TURN.

[00:09:14]>> [applause] >> COME ON, GUYS. LET'S STAY FOCUSED. EYE OF THE TIGER, OKAY? We can do this.

[00:09:21]Remember, bump, set, spike. Keep your hands in a triangle position.

[00:09:25]>> Triangle position. Jim, come on. Your hands are not ready. What happens if the ball comes to you right now?

[00:09:28]>> Well, actually, my hands work completely on their own without my brain even knowing it.

[00:09:32]Sorry.

[00:09:33]Haha. Ha. Class cut up. Fail.

[00:09:38]Yeah.

[00:09:39]Set.

[00:09:41]Are you blind?

[00:09:43]ARE YOU BLIND?

[00:09:47]SIR, WITH THE GLASSES, are you literally blind? I'm concerned you might be in danger. These are expensive Ray-Bans, jackass.

[00:09:54]>> Okay, I was just looking out for you.

[00:09:56]You're doing great, by the way. Thanks.

[00:09:59]I GOT IT.

[00:10:03]OH, KEVIN. COME ON. YOU BLIND.

[00:10:06]>> I COULD HAVE KILLED YOU, YOU IDIOT.

[00:10:08]WATCH YOUR EYEBALLS. SLEDGEHAMMER. COME ON, PEOPLE. We need to get our heads in the game. Let's focus. Come on, you're better than this. I am better than this.

[00:10:18]PHYLLIS, WHY ARE YOU SITTING ON THE GROUND?

[00:10:20]>> I'VE BEEN OUT here for a while. I don't need this.

[00:10:24]>> [sighs] [panting] >> Oh, come on. Ryan, come on, man. One second. Wait, wait, wait. Net. Net. Her hands on the net. What? Rule violation.

[00:10:36]Ball is ours. Give it to me. Our point.

[00:10:39]Okay. Hey, Pam, how you doing? Hey, do you know if you're right-handed or left-handed? Or do you even know? What hand do you use to answer the phone?

[00:10:45]>> Back off, Dwight.

[00:10:49]OH.

[00:10:51]>> [screaming] [cheering] [applause] >> WHAT?

[00:10:58]MAYBE I PLAYED A LITTLE IN JUNIOR HIGH.

[00:11:01]And in high school.

[00:11:03]Maybe a little in college.

[00:11:05]And went to volleyball camp most summers.

[00:11:08]Oh.

[00:11:14]How's it going here, Mrs. Vance? Vance Refrigeration. Okay. I'll be right there. Just another point till THIS THING'S OVER.

[00:11:25]>> [cheering] >> WELL, LOOK AT THAT. WE WIN. THAT'S ALL, BABY. We're advanced TO THE NEXT ROUND.

[00:11:30]OH, LORD IN HEAVEN. HEY, I had to part of the group.

[00:11:34]Hit it, Andy. [cheering] BUMP IT. BUMP IT.

[00:11:37]SET. Don't set it TO YOURSELF.

[00:11:39]YEAH.

[00:11:40]>> [cheering] >> OW, MY ANKLE. What happened? I twisted it.

[00:11:46]>> You weren't even moving.

[00:11:49]Okay, sub. I can play. Is there a Meredith here? Yeah, I'm in.

[00:11:57]Ralph, did you not hear me?

[00:11:59]I don't hear cheaters, tramps, or women who break my friend's hearts.

[00:12:04]Let's go.

[00:12:06]>> [applause] >> When Angela first broke up with me, I shared a lot with Ralph.

[00:12:10]We would take long walks around the farm talking about relationships and stomping gophers to death whenever they would poke their little heads up out of their holes.

[00:12:18]He knows I'm still hurt by Angela and it gets to him.

[00:12:22]He's got a big heart, that guy. SEND IT BACK. SEND IT BACK. YEAH, >> [screaming] >> SEND THAT BALL BACK.

[00:12:29]DON'T MESS WITH SCHRUTE TONES.

[00:12:31]>> NO. UH-HUH. UTICA? More like you suck Utica. Who suck Utica? You suck Utica.

[00:12:36]Who suck Utica? You suck Utica. WHO SUCK UTICA? YOU SUCK UTICA. OW. OH. OW.

[00:12:42]SORRY.

[00:12:43]SET.

[00:12:44]SET. SET. OKAY.

[00:12:48]UH, how many times do you think you can hit the ball on one side of the net?

[00:12:51]Honestly, like an infinite number of times cuz it's three. It's three times.

[00:12:56]Okay, Buffalo, your serve. All right.

[00:12:59]All right, let's go.

[00:13:04]DAMN IT. WHO MOVED? YOU THREW ME OFF.

[00:13:07]WHO THE HELL MOVED? WHAT YOU IDIOTS?

[00:13:09]Calm down, Mark.

[00:13:10]>> YOU CALM DOWN.

[00:13:13]>> [snorts] >> What's with that guy? It is time for the great spoon and egg race. This one is with a little twist.

[00:13:19]>> They was already a twist you carrying than they going to spoon.

[00:13:23]The person carrying the egg will be blindfolded. Please put on your blindfolds. That person carrying the egg will go down, circle a torch, come back, deposit their egg in the pail.

[00:13:33]First team back is the winner. Any questions? Just one. Yep. Uh the torches are lit.

[00:13:38]>> Yes, for dramatic effect. No, Michael.

[00:13:41]People are blindfolded. That's a hazard.

[00:13:44]Very good, Jim.

[00:13:45]Pam, please note that Jim is very astute.

[00:13:47]>> All right. All right. Uh Ready. Oh, are you not going to put out the torches?

[00:13:52]>> Set. Okay.

[00:13:54]Go. Come on. Let's do this.

[00:13:57]Thank you so much. Phyllis is out. Yes, follow my voice. Follow my voice. Yeah, keep it moving. Keep it moving. Right this way. Looking good.

[00:14:06]>> want to hit the big rock. Don't worry.

[00:14:08]You're not in >> near the big rock. I just know it.

[00:14:10]>> Nowhere near the big rock.

[00:14:11]>> don't want to get hit by THE BIG ROCK.

[00:14:12]>> NO.

[00:14:15]SEE, now we're disqualified.

[00:14:17]I am okay if I lose every single contest today.

[00:14:22]Honestly.

[00:14:24]Because I see these contests as an opportunity for me to demonstrate what a good sport I am. Mallard.

[00:14:35]Whoops. Stop. Stop. Stop. There's a hole. Just step over the hole. Yep. Come on, lazy bones. Move it.

[00:14:40]Come on, Pam. Perfect. Oh, just made it.

[00:14:42]Okay, turn left. Come on. Andele.

[00:14:44]Arriba. Arriba. You have to stop this right now or I'm not going to do this anymore. What are you saying?

[00:14:48]>> to stop yelling at me or I'm not going to do the egg race. Okay, I apologize for yelling at you.

[00:14:52]>> captain. He inspires >> to bring the team together. I'm trying to bring the >> Whoops. Stop. Another hole. Take a big step.

[00:14:58]Yes.

[00:14:59]Oh my god.

[00:15:00]Ass.

[00:15:02]>> [laughter] >> There's nothing better than a beautiful day at the beach filled with sun, surf, and uh diligent note taking. Pam, you're missing things.

[00:15:26]>> Let's go. LET'S GO. COME ON. MUSH. MUSH.

[00:15:30]COME ON, YOU BASTARD. WHAT THE DAMN IT, PAM.

[00:15:37]GREAT JOB, EVERYONE. THAT WAS FANTASTIC.

[00:15:42]My strategy is to compliment everybody and just generally have a good time.

[00:15:49]That way they'll remember me as a good sport.

[00:15:54]Which I will use to my advantage in a contest I care enough about to cheat in.

[00:15:59]Okay, Pam. I have another little project for you.

[00:16:03]>> Does it have to do with these shopping bags filled with hot dogs?

[00:16:05]>> Mark, is that whip? Yes. These are pre-cooked. So, it's not absolutely necessary, but I would appreciate it if you could heat up 800 hot dogs for a little contest I'm going to be having. I would greatly appreciate it.

[00:16:16]>> When's the contest? Like, um, 10 minutes. How am I supposed to get Bring a bunch.

[00:16:24]A good manager has got to be hungry.

[00:16:27]Hungry for success.

[00:16:30]Okay, Pam. Who came out best in the race, in your opinion? Um, Karen left her blindfold on the longest, but she also threw her egg at Jim. Because he wasn't following the rules. I think they were just having fun.

[00:16:40]>> But they didn't complete their task, Pam.

[00:16:44]If people can't carry an egg in a spoon blindfolded, then what does that tell you about how they will be able to manage a sales report or conduct a business call?

[00:16:53]Tells me nothing.

[00:16:54]>> Exactly.

[00:16:56]Are you sure you're doing that right?

[00:16:58]Taking an awfully long time.

[00:16:59]>> There's 800 of them. Okay. All right.

[00:17:03]Okay, who's hungry? No, no, no. Do not touch the food, please. Not yet. That is our next event. A hot dog eating contest.

[00:17:11]For those of you who are curious, the world record is 54 and 1/2 hot dogs.

[00:17:18]Wow! And you know what? I personally have cooked up enough so that each and every one of you could break that record. So, shoot for the stars, okay?

[00:17:26]All right. The team that eats the most hot dogs in 10 minutes will be declared the winner. On your mark, get set.

[00:17:33]>> Can I have a turkey burger? No. I have the only one. I claimed it. Ready?

[00:17:37]>> Turkey is a healthy meat.

[00:17:38]>> Yeah, it's very good for you.

[00:17:46]Let's just Okay, it's very important that you all try to eat as many hot dogs as you can.

[00:17:50]>> are really unhealthy.

[00:17:52]>> Son of a God, okay.

[00:17:54]All right. You know what? Here we go. On your mark, get set. Eat. Is there any mustard?

[00:18:01]>> No mustard. No mustard. Just eat it. Eat it, Phyllis. Dip it in the water so it'll slide down your gullet more easily.

[00:18:09]OH, NO, NO, NO. NOT THAT JUST COME ON, YOU GUYS. LET'S DO IT. Welcome to the eighth annual Dundies Awards. Before we get started, a few announcements. Keep your acceptance speeches short. I have wrap it up music and I'm not afraid to use it. Devon.

[00:18:25]>> [music] [music] [music] >> The Dundies are kind of like a kid's birthday party and you go and there's really nothing for you to do there, but the kid's having a really good time, so you you're kind of there.

[00:18:58]That's That's kind of what it's like.

[00:19:03]>> [music] >> I have listened to that song so many times and I still don't know what OPP stands for. Other people's I something. I The waitress tripped on the cord.

[00:19:25]>> All right, joke landed. So, we are here.

[00:19:27]Thank you all for coming to the 2005 Dundie Awards.

[00:19:32]I am your host, Michael Scott.

[00:19:35]I'll just put these on the group tab.

[00:19:37]Nope. Actually, this year no group tab.

[00:19:40]We're going to be doing separate checks.

[00:19:42]Oh.

[00:19:43]Everybody Are you serious? You said we could bring our families.

[00:19:47]I did. And why didn't you, Stanley? I did. My wife's name is Terri. Well, I'm looking forward to meeting Terri. It's this person whose hand I'm holding, Michael.

[00:20:00]Oh, yeah. Shut it. Um good. Speaking of relationships of all all ways, shapes, and forms.

[00:20:08]Um I was out on a very, very hot date last night with a girl from HR, Dwight.

[00:20:14]Really? We don't have any girls from HR.

[00:20:16]>> No. That It's for the sake of the story. And things were getting hot and heavy. Yeah. And uh I was about to take her bra off when she had me fill out 6 hours worth of paperwork. Like an AIDS test.

[00:20:30]No.

[00:20:31]God.

[00:20:34]>> [clears throat] >> All right. So, let's get this party started.

[00:20:37]This >> Yeah.

[00:20:39]Let's get out of here.

[00:20:40]Um Guys, where are you going?

[00:20:44]Just uh Pam, show's just getting started.

[00:20:46]Sorry.

[00:20:51]And now to someone who goes quietly about their job, but always seems to land the biggest accounts. The Busiest Beaver Award GOES TO PHYLLIS LAPIN.

[00:21:01]>> [cheering] >> YEAH.

[00:21:03]WAY TO GO, PHYLLIS. Nice work, per usual. It says Bushiest Beaver.

[00:21:08]>> What?

[00:21:10]I told them Busiest. Idiots.

[00:21:12]>> But we can fix it. We'll fix it up. You don't have to display that. Um all right, our next award, ah yes. Um this award goes to the most creative writing on the ladies room wall, and the winner is Who is it? Who wants to claim it? Shiny Dundy.

[00:21:32]Who wrote it?

[00:21:35]Great idea, Dwight.

[00:21:38]Excuse me.

[00:21:39]Goldschlager extra flakes? We don't have that. You want a Presidente Margarita, Blue Pacific Margarita, El Niño?

[00:21:46]>> No, no, no, no Margarita.

[00:21:47]Hot sake.

[00:21:51]Foster's in the big can.

[00:21:55]Just a chocolate shake, chocolate sprinkles.

[00:22:04]And the tight ass award goes to Angela.

[00:22:09]Not only because she is everybody's favorite stickler, but because she has a great caboose. So So come on down.

[00:22:19]No.

[00:22:22]>> [laughter] >> I think those might be empty.

[00:22:30]No, no, cuz the ice melts, and then it's like second drink.

[00:22:35]Second drink.

[00:22:37]The spicy curry award goes to our very own Kelly Kapoor.

[00:22:42]Get on up here.

[00:22:44]>> [applause] >> Here you go.

[00:22:46]Spicy curry, what's that mean?

[00:22:48]>> Um Not everything means something. It's just a joke.

[00:22:50]>> Yeah, but why'd you give it to me? I don't know. I just This is the bowler.

[00:22:54]>> know. It's They didn't have any more businessmen, so Yeah, but everyone knows >> Kelly.

[00:23:04]>> [music] >> Um Um