The Truth About Anxiously Attached Women That Nobody Tells You | Relationship Psychology Explained

[00:00:00]I'm about to say something that will upset a lot of therapists because for years anxiously attached women have been told some version of the following message. You're too much. You're too emotional. You're too needy. You're too sensitive. You need to stop caring so much. And honestly, that advice misses the point because after years of working with thousands of women, I've noticed something surprising. Many anxiously attached women make incredible girlfriends. Some of the most loyal women I've ever met are anxiously attached. Some of the most loving women I've ever met are anxiously attached.

[00:00:34]And some of the most committed women I've ever met are anxiously attached.

[00:00:39]The problem isn't usually what attachment style they have. The problem is how those strengths become distorted when fear enters the picture because underneath those anxious attachment tendencies are some incredibly valuable relationship traits. In this video, I want to show you the strengths of anxiously attached female partners. And in particular, four key aspects. First, why anxiously attached women often make exceptional partners. Next, which qualities men secretly crave the most.

[00:01:10]Third, how anxiety distorts those strengths sometimes. And finally, how to keep the gifts while losing the suffering.

[00:01:19]So, let's get honest about anxious attachment style. To begin, anxious women care deeply about the people in their lives. This is the first thing that people misunderstand. And I've heard people claim that anxious people's nice behaviors, it's just a cover to get their own needs met. That the love is not authentic. Most anxiously attached women, they do not struggle because they don't care enough. They struggle because they care intensely. They understand what it's like to be in relational pain and to feel unloved. And they don't want anyone else to suffer like they do. So, they notice things. They pay attention.

[00:01:55]They think about the relationship. They invest emotionally. Some of the biggest complaints I hear from both men and women today are, "Nobody seems invested anymore. Nobody seems intentional anymore. Nobody seems committed anymore." Meanwhile, anxiously attached women are the exact opposite. They care deeply. Sometimes a bit too deeply and a bit too fast, sure, but caring deeply is not a character flaw. It's a strength that just needs direction.

[00:02:25]When they are healthy and feeling safe, anxiously attached women bring loyalty, thoughtfulness, [snorts] affection, consistency, and emotional engagement. Many men spend years searching for a woman who genuinely cares. Entire stories and sagas have been written, mainly by men, about a woman embodying undying loyalty. Such a woman can move a man's heart like no one else. But then these men find a woman who happens to be anxiously attached.

[00:02:57]She feels unsafe and the drawbacks of her approach become obvious. And then they tell her that she herself is the problem and not the lack of safety. The issue here is rarely that anxious women care too much. The issue is that their fear hijacks their caring and overshadows the true loyalty that they bring to the table. Now, the research on anxious attachment and bonding is fascinating and you need to hear this to understand why anxious women can bring such intense loyalty to a relationship.

[00:03:28]Researchers studying attachment repeatedly find that anxious attached individuals place enormous value on connection. That is not a bad thing.

[00:03:36]Many anxiously attached women naturally invest in connection, communication, closeness, togetherness, and emotional intimacy. In fact, they're the number one group most likely to consume attachment information and learn about relationship skills. Even further, psychologist Sachi Andor has argued that these tendencies may serve an important evolutionary function. His social defense theory suggests that anxiously attached people often act as a group's sentinels, detecting threats earlier, staying alert to potential problems, and warning the people they care about when something feels wrong. At its core, that vigilance comes from investment. The relationship matters to them a lot. And frankly, in a world filled with emotional distance and disposable dating culture, many anxious women bring something increasingly rare. Devotion.

[00:04:27]They remember birthdays. They check in.

[00:04:30]They think about their partner. They look for ways to strengthen the relationship. These are not weaknesses.

[00:04:35]These are relationship skills. But, the problem begins when fear enters the equation. The devotion remains, but now it looks like monitoring, overthinking, reassurance seeking, hypervigilance.

[00:04:52]The gift stays the same, but fear changes how it's expressed. Anxious attachment is often devotion contaminated by fear. What Dr. Irene Messina, a prominent researcher in clinical psychology and neuroscience, calls hyperactivation.

[00:05:09]The key to fixing this imbalance is not to care less, like others have told you.

[00:05:12]The goal is to fear less. That requires a system of relational connection that we call secure attachment. Now, quick check-in here. The woman who is over-performing, who is so devoted that no one understands her loyalty, the woman who wants love more than anyone else and is so overlooked by others just because she is so quiet and yes, sometimes self-abandoning. If this is you, if you've been living in this and nobody has understood you, number one, I see you. And number two, this is probably not a you problem. This is actually an attachment issue. My team and I have five ways that we can help.

[00:05:51]First, the free secure circle community.

[00:05:55]Our community is built on deeper learning on this topic and so many others that you need right now. It's free and we'd love for you to join us.

[00:06:02]Also, my free attachment styles quiz that can show you if you're anxiously attached or maybe if there's some disorganized attachment going on there.

[00:06:10]You can find both of those linked down in the description right now. I also have the secure circle plus, weekly masterclasses, coach-guided demonstrations and role plays of scripts that you need to learn to build great relationships, exercises to get you going from learning into doing, plus instant access to my best attachment video course, including the attachment boot camp, the program I designed to go from anxiously attached to remade secure attached. That's all included in your membership of secure circle plus. Now, I have exciting group training programs to also offer you, including how to regulate your nervous system differently, how to become fully remade secure in your presence, how to build secure feminine identity in you, and even how to build trust and intimacy in a loving relationship with your partner.

[00:06:57]Those guided training programs for groups are also available in the description below. And finally, if you need direct accelerated one-on-one guidance and training from a certified attachment coach that uses my methodology, that is also available to you right now in the description. All of these things are available there. Click the link that best fits your needs and where you'd like to begin. And if you're not sure, get in touch, my team will help you find the next best steps for you. Now, here's the part that almost nobody talks about. Many of the traits that women are told to suppress are the exact traits that healthy men are hoping to find.

[00:07:31]Healthy men want loyalty, affection, desire, emotional warmth, partnership, encouragement, and consistency. They crave these things. And I'll be clear here, those are qualities that anxious women naturally bring into relationships in abundance, in overwhelming abundance.

[00:07:50]These are what make anxious women such wonderful wives, mothers, grandmothers, and so forth. They can embody the feminine side so perfectly that everyone around them benefits, but only when they feel safe enough to stop the fear behaviors that bring imbalances.

[00:08:09]Many anxiously attached women have been told the same lies. Be less emotional, care less, need less, expect less. But healthy relationships are not built on becoming emotionally starved or unavailable. Healthy relationships are built by showing up. So, the answer is not to become colder. The answer is to become more secure in you. Many anxiously attached women already possess the ingredients, the raw ingredients, of extraordinary relationships. They simply need better self-regulation and co-regulation. And they are not wrong to need these. Now, let us talk candidly about where things do go wrong, because there are absolutely ways that anxious attachment creates issues in relationships. The goal here is not pretending otherwise. I want to be clear about the incredible things that anxious attachment can bring in a person. But again, it's not perfection. When fear takes over, beautiful traits can become smothering and even painful behaviors for both sides. Loyalty can become clinging.

[00:09:09]Connection can become monitoring.

[00:09:12]Curiosity becomes interrogation. Love becomes stress. Commitment and devotion become self-abandonment.

[00:09:26]In this way, the original strength remains, but now fear distorts it. This is why most anxiously attached women are not actually struggling with love itself. They're struggling with safety.

[00:09:38]They're trying to create security through fawning behaviors, through reassurance, through closeness, through effort, but security cannot be forced into existence or earned through performance. The problem is not the desire for connection. The problem is trying to control connection through performance, all for the sake of defeating the fear, which it must actually be overcome through secure attachment. Now, here's the good news.

[00:10:05]Because once again, the goal is not becoming less loving. The goal is becoming more secure, actually becoming more of yourself. Because the secure version of anxious attachment still includes loyalty, warmth, devotion, emotional openness, and a desire for connection. None of those disappear.

[00:10:25]What changes is that fear decreases, trust increases, boundaries improve, self-respect strengthens, patience grows. In this case, the woman goes from anxious to secure, and she stops asking, "How do I make him stay?" and starts asking, "How do I build something healthy enough that both of us want to stay?" That's a completely different mindset. She no longer has to perform or use performed love to earn safety. Instead, she builds safety and invites him to do the same.

[00:10:59]The mature version of anxious attachment is not coldness. That's not who you are, and it never will be. The real version of yourself is secure, fearless, and confident. That's the version your partner is looking for. If you're an anxiously attached woman watching this right now, I want you to stop trying to become less loving. Stop trying to become less caring. Stop trying to become less devoted. In other words, stop trying to become less of yourself.

[00:11:24]You are a loving, caring, and devoted human being, and those are incredible attributes that sorely are needed in this world. Instead, become more of yourself. Keep the loyalty, lose the panic, keep the warmth, lose the fear, keep the devotion, lose the self-abandonment, keep the love, lose the desperation.

[00:11:47]Because the traits that make anxious women struggle are often the exact same traits that make them extraordinary partners, but only once they become securely attached. If you've spent years being told that you are too much, I want you to hear something clearly. You are not too much. Your capacity for connection is not too much. Your desire for closeness is not too much. Your ability to love deeply is not too much.

[00:12:10]The goal is never to be less loving. The goal is always to become less afraid.

[00:12:17]Because many anxiously attached women already possess the qualities that healthy relationships need most. They simply deserve to experience those qualities without the fear. You don't need less heart. You need more security.

[00:12:30]To the anxious women who are watching this right now, I want to hear from you.

[00:12:32]What is one strength you think that anxious attachment has given you? Tell me in the comments. And if you're ready to become secure without losing the parts of yourself that make you loving, loyal, and deeply connected, join us inside the Secure Circle Plus. You'll get access to our attachment training, the master classes, coaching demonstrations, relationship exercises, and direct access to my coaching team.

[00:12:54]We'll help you bring the gifts, but lose the suffering. The link to join us is in the description. I'll see you inside those calls. And if you already know the impact this issue is having in your relationships, and you want to take immediate action, I have two ways for you to do that right now. First is my group training programs, designed to walk you through overcoming the most common attachment problems that people face. Second is individual coaching to get targeted assistance on your unique situation and overcome your challenges with the help of a certified attachment coach. Learn more about both of those options at the link in the description.

[00:13:25]And if you want to learn more about how to build secure attachment for life, even if you don't have kids or if yours won't talk to you, I just launched a free deep dive video explaining everything you need to know inside my free secure circle community. Come check out that free video and learn more at the secure circle link in the description. Thanks for watching. And remember, don't just learn about secure attachment, practice it.