Untold Psychology of English mastery Part 2 | Dr Sandeep Patil

Added: 2026-05-14

[00:00:00]All of you imagine someone is sitting standing behind you and constantly you are not disciplined. You can't do anything in life. You are a failure.

[00:00:08]Forget consistency. Forget communication skills. Your English sucks. You failed in life. Look at your academics.

[00:00:16]You're not good.

[00:00:18]Z know that that that voice small inner voice is there that always criticizes you. That's the problem.

[00:00:27]See what I said. Suppose you eaten one vap today. Which thought comes? Your failure. Your diet is gone. Your diet is flat. Means black.

[00:00:41]This is called as dichotomous thinking.

[00:00:44]Okay, I'm using fancy words. It's called as black and white thinking which is wrong because your thinking is not as per the reality. In reality, people are not black and white.

[00:00:57]Handle yourself compassionately.

[00:01:01]Be kind to yourself.

[00:01:04]Be kind to yourself.

[00:01:06]Forgive yourself.

[00:01:09]Don't be too harsh.

[00:01:13]You are a human being.

[00:01:16]Don't be your own critic. I think most of us are our own critic.

[00:01:23]See your discipline can't be like this.

[00:01:26]It will not improve like this.

[00:01:27]Discipline will improve in this way. It will go sometimes it goes down again it goes up. Sometimes it goes down. Now here you have to take care.

[00:01:35]Oh, it has gone down. Okay. Again I will work slowly again it goes up again it comes down again it don't try to be perfect in discipline and consistence.

[00:01:47]If you try to be perfect in consistency and discipline, you will not be able to handle that.

[00:02:04]Okay guys, huh? See here suppose you made a massive change which is very painful.

[00:02:12]You don't continue. What do you call yourself?

[00:02:16]failure right then what happens one emotion comes that emotion is called as shame now there are two emotions here we have to understand these two emotions very important emotions all of you shame and guilt they're different emotions most of us don't understand this we think shame and guilt is same no guilt is different I will tell you what is guilt simple I failed When you say to yourself, when you say to yourself, I failed, you get guilt. But when you say to yourself, I am a failure.

[00:02:59]You get what is permanent.

[00:03:05]I failed is a behavior, right? I'm a failure.

[00:03:12]Identity.

[00:03:16]Are you getting it? Getting my point?

[00:03:20]Which is better? Shame is better or guilt is better?

[00:03:25]Why guilt is better? Can anyone tell me?

[00:03:28]Now understand now. Every emotion is important in our life. Emotions are very important part of our life. Because of emotions, life is beautiful. Why we should have guilt?

[00:03:44]But why? Why guilt is important?

[00:03:47]Imagine you don't have guilt.

[00:03:48]>> Change myself.

[00:03:50]>> Correct.

[00:03:51]If you don't have guilt, will you change yourself?

[00:03:56]Now this story goes to I think uh in USA the story goes there was one person called Pineas Gage. Story of Pineas Gage. I'll tell you how you work. I'll tell you. Pineask was a worker in US railways.

[00:04:14]His work was to uh you know do the blastings blastings of you know to create a tunnel they have to blast that mountain entire mountain. So he his work was that one day he he was putting all those explosives in a hole and he had a rod.

[00:04:36]It was 2in rod 5t long steel rod and he was stuffing it and while stuffing it exploded.

[00:04:47]Now that rod went from here and it came from here outside from his skull. 2-in rod half was here and half was here in this way. Now this guy came out walking.

[00:05:04]Everyone was shocked.

[00:05:07]came out and everyone was scared also and and he was conscious. He walked out and and they took him to the hospital.

[00:05:16]Now during those days very old I guess it happened in 19th century.

[00:05:21]There was some quack quack means you know quack quack means doctor who is not certified doctor but so he went doctor came and he pulled out the rod first.

[00:05:32]Now there was a hole created here.

[00:05:35]So he plugged the hole from both the sides.

[00:05:40]I think you can imagine both sides were plugged as if there was a drill. So plugged fine. And now they were expecting that this guy will die in two days. This did not he did not die.

[00:05:52]After 6 months he came back to work fit and fine.

[00:06:01]What is this? But something changed about his personality.

[00:06:12]He was not the same pineas sketch which was earlier very disciplined, focused, respectful. No, this pin sketch was out of control.

[00:06:30]addictive, womanizer, impulsive behavior, drugs, everything.

[00:06:39]Everyone was shocked. What is this? Why he changed? No one knew why he changed.

[00:06:45]And finally guys, he lost his wife and kids and he died destitute. I mean he died on the road begging finished life.

[00:06:52]Then he was buried and then some scientists this this kind of his reputation spread everywhere. His behavior and the news spread everywhere.

[00:07:02]So after his death some scientists dug his grave and pulled out his skull and then they started studying what happened and then they realized that the rod that passed from here and came from this side it had hurt the prefrontal cortex area.

[00:07:23]Prefrontal cortex area is this part of the brain and this part is only emotional brain. What happened? This part of the brain controls your impulses.

[00:07:34]Controls in short.

[00:07:38]This part does self-discipline.

[00:07:43]This part pleasure is called as amydala.

[00:07:47]Pleasure. Have fun. Do whatever you want. Just gratification. Instant gratification. So what had happened?

[00:07:54]This part of the brain was hurt. Then what happened? Self-control lost.

[00:08:00]Then today there is lot of research in this field.

[00:08:06]A lot of books are written about self-control and self-discipline.

[00:08:11]If a person's prefrontal cortex area is weak and is only emotionally he's driven through emotions his behavior will be out of control and selfharming behavior.

[00:08:25]All of you come here now.

[00:08:28]Okay. So guys, [clears throat] I hope you remember what I said. Guilt and shame. Guilt helps you to change your behavior.

[00:08:39]Shame doesn't help. Shame what? Shame means what? When you say yourself you are not selfdisciplined, what happens?

[00:08:50]But if you say today you have eaten vada pa it's okay.

[00:08:59]What do you get?

[00:09:03]I failed today. I'm not a failure. So this guilt helps me to change my behavior.

[00:09:14]Now you may say that sir then how to change this thought process? How to change these thoughts?

[00:09:23]Right? See what I said. Suppose you eaten one vap today. Which thought comes? Your failure. Your diet is gone. Your diet is flat. Means black.

[00:09:39]This is called as dichotoous thinking.

[00:09:42]Okay, I'm using fancy words. It's called as black and white thinking which is wrong because your thinking is not as per the reality. In reality people are not black and white. No one is perfect.

[00:09:55]No one people have more or less self-control.

[00:10:01]If you set very high standards for yourself, very high standards, everything must be perfect. I must get up at 5:00. Now this is called as the should mentality.

[00:10:15]should mentally discord.

[00:10:19]You should yourself.

[00:10:23][clears throat] Do you know guys, all of you, your parents, they try to shoot you, right? They should you up to 24, right? And once you get your first salary what happen right when you go to Pune and when you get your first package first job first salary parents are gone I'm earning now I will do whatever I want do you like should yes do you like anyone is bossing you do you like when you work for a for a company where every minute they check you.

[00:11:18]Every every minute they're bossing you.

[00:11:21]Everywhere cameras are there. No freedom is there. Will you work there?

[00:11:26]No. Because understanding basically humans don't like someone bossing them, shooting them. They don't like someone taking away their freedom.

[00:11:43]Same thing happens when you should yourself.

[00:11:46]What do you should? Should means what? I should be disciplined.

[00:11:53]And if I'm not disciplined, I'm a black failure.

[00:12:00]Now what happens sometimes you are not disciplined.

[00:12:05]It happens. You are so hard on yourself.

[00:12:08]You're very hard on yourself. All of you understand.

[00:12:13]Very nice line. It is.

[00:12:18]Handle yourself compassionately.

[00:12:23]Be kind to yourself.

[00:12:26]Be kind to yourself.

[00:12:28]Forgive yourself.

[00:12:31]Don't be too harsh.

[00:12:35]You're a human being.

[00:12:38]Don't be your own critic. I think most of us are our own critic.

[00:12:44]What kind of language you use to criticize yourself? What kind of language you use? You're stupid, not disciplined, your failure.

[00:12:56]That monkey sitting here on your shoulders constantly criticizes you. All of you imagine someone is sitting standing behind you and constantly you are not disciplined. You can't do anything in life. You are a failure.

[00:13:09]Forget consistency. Forget communication skills. Your English sucks. You failed in life. Look at your academics.

[00:13:17]You're not good.

[00:13:19]Then know that that that voice small inner voice is there that always criticizes you. That's the problem that you think that sir but if I criticize I will change. No, you don't change.

[00:13:35]You get shame and you repeat the same behavior and it becomes a loop.

[00:13:41]Means what? You eat vapa?

[00:13:45]You feel shameful.

[00:13:48]You eat more vapa.

[00:13:52]You eat more jellybe. What do you feel?

[00:13:55]More shameful. And your identity becomes more stronger and stronger. What identity?

[00:14:02]You are not disciplined.

[00:14:06]Hey guys, am I able to connect with you?

[00:14:09]happening with morning every morning what happens how many of you have given up trying to get up in the morning you have given up now I can't given up there are many students what they say is sir can I join evening batch morning they try and they give up they come in the evening no I'm not talking about you because we today messaged I don't know what is the reason that's why I asked you why.

[00:14:42]So what is the solution guys? Don't shoot yourself. Don't try to be perfectionist.

[00:14:49]Try to make small changes in you. Be self-compassionate.

[00:14:53]Forgive yourself. Don't set very high standards.

[00:14:57]Don't set that. Don't try to make massive changes in your reading in your in sometimes until a cash sometimes take one day holiday. Fine.

[00:15:10]Fine. Nothing.

[00:15:13]And now see what happens. [snorts] 50%.

[00:15:20]Now what is the standard you have set?

[00:15:23]Achievable standard. No, 50% is difficult. Impossible. I think it's achievable. Can you read 15 minutes every day? Fine. Then when you read 15 minutes every day you feel good about yourself. Yeah, that talk selft talk and when you feel good about yourself you repeat the behavior again you read.

[00:15:50]Now guys one more thing will happen.

[00:15:52]Okay. So, how many days mean slowly increase that?

[00:15:56]Slowly increase that 30 minutes, 35 minutes. But again one phase will come when you will stop. [clears throat] You will stop.

[00:16:10]What to do?

[00:16:12]Don't call yourself failure.

[00:16:15]No. Tell yourself yes I'm tired.

[00:16:20]I will take a break.

[00:16:24]Take a break for one day, two days. Have fun again. Slowly start.

[00:16:32]See your discipline can't be like this.

[00:16:35]It will not improve like this.

[00:16:36]Discipline will improve in this way. It will go sometimes it goes down again it goes up, sometimes it goes down. Now here you have to take care.

[00:16:44]Oh, it has gone down again. Again I will work slowly. Again it goes up. Again it comes down. Again it Don't try to be perfect in discipline and consistence.

[00:16:56]If you try to be perfect in consistency and discipline, you will not be able to handle that and you will label yourself as a failure.

[00:17:08]Small changes with compassion.

[00:17:12]Make small changes with compassion.

[00:17:16]Another thing I want to say here about selfd disccipline now that is I told you the problem with our discipline is aldela that monkey mind so means what it's very simple formula is there I follow that formula it works for me surround yourself with good people very difficult to find disciplined people around you but at least don't surround yourself with people who are just out of control. Don't don't surround yourself with such people. Have better friends around you because understand your behavior is the result of your behavior is also the result of others behavior.

[00:18:14]And obviously during marriage that groom and bride they go know somewhere before entering the hall they go on a horse to take I don't know where they go to take dion and while coming they dance everyone dances there.

[00:18:31]So when one person starts dancing everyone starts dancing. Have you seen that?

[00:18:37]S understood danced your behavior is the result of others behavior. It's infectious.

[00:18:46]It's infectious.

[00:18:48]So when you go in a hotel, five friends go in a hotel. Four order pizza. What will you order? Salads.

[00:18:59]And if you order, they will laugh at you.

[00:19:02]Yes or no?

[00:19:04]So it is better not to go with such friends in a hotel where such kind of behavior is repeated because when the surrounding is there when you have alcoholics and addicts around you it is very difficult to control yourself because understand willpower doesn't last we say that willpower willpower my willpower is weak willpower everyone's willpower is weak actually my willpower is also weak if I have people around me who are not disciplined Slowly I will also join their group.

[00:19:37]So the first thing I want to say here is have good friends around you. Second thing again I'll tell you I will repeat all the points don't worry. Another thing [snorts] don't go in that surrounding where it's difficult to control your willpower muscles. example I'll give you don't go in a bakery if you go all of you experience when you go in a bakery to buy one bread what you come with only one bread bag is full when you go in demart to buy one thing you decide I will go and buy one will you buy one thing you buy everything what is not needed and then when you buy everything then what do Do you know that you have purchased unnecessary things you justified? No.

[00:20:33]No. It was necessary actually because now you don't want to look fool.

[00:20:39]So you justify your behavior. We think logically, behave emotionally, justify logically because now you have failed and you don't want to accept it. So what do you say? No, no, no. Actually I needed that.

[00:20:56]You don't need anything actually. So don't go in a bakery.

[00:21:02]Don't go to Ganesh Nasa Central.

[00:21:06]If you go there and you know all of you sitting in hotel what happens usually you are waiting what others are eating?

[00:21:13]You're looking at that. Huh? Muji be when you go in hotel what do you see what others are eating? And you order the same food.

[00:21:24]go and see the behavior.

[00:21:27]So when you go in such hotels where all these delicacies are in front of you, it's very difficult. I come from Ganesh same in front of that I pulled my glasses control. I run here quickly.

[00:21:46]So I repeat again. See what happens.

[00:21:47]First thing is don't make massive changes.

[00:21:54]All of understood they don't last. Make tiny changes. Clear everyone?

[00:22:01]First most important what we have to change selfidentity.

[00:22:07]And to change your selfident what is your self identity? It's black and white.

[00:22:12]What is your self identity? I'm not disciplined. Wrong. It's not. You can say I'm less disciplined.

[00:22:20]Now we have to be more disciplined to change that to change your identity.

[00:22:25]What we have to do? Change our thinking. Okay. Thinking but before thinking behavior comes. I draw the triangle.

[00:22:36]Your behavior impacts your thinking. So change your behavior guys. Changing your thinking will not solve the problem in self-discipline and self-consistency.

[00:22:45]Change your behavior. When you change your behavior, you change your thinking because your behavior impacts your thoughts. When you make a small change, for example, you read for 30 minutes.

[00:22:58]Good. I'm a reader.

[00:23:01]Which identity is developing? I'm a reader.

[00:23:06]I'm more disciplined now.

[00:23:08]Right? So, we have to change our identity. Identity will be changed by our behavior. But make small changes in your behavior. But still sometimes you will miss it. Be compassionate with yourself.

[00:23:22]Forgive yourself.

[00:23:24]Don't label yourself.

[00:23:27]Love yourself. Be kind to yourself.

[00:23:31]And again bounce back again. Change yourself slowly, slowly, slowly these changes. Don't try to be 100% disciplined. Be 50% at the beginning. Then slowly make 60% and it it go gets better and better. One more thing I told you look people around you if people around you are not disciplined you will tend to spoil yourself.

[00:23:58]Another thing is change the surrounding also.

[00:24:02]Change the surrounding.

[00:24:04]Next time when you go in a marriage don't go in the dining hall or the better option I'll tell you eat tummy full and then go for marriage or your tummy is full how all of you experience when tummy is empty what happens you eat anything all experienced it and after eating you feel shame so when Tummy is full.

[00:24:37]Prefrontal cortex is there. When tummy is empty, who is controlling you? Will control you.

[00:24:47]So it's in this way guys, it works, right? So guys understand at the beginning I told you that changing yourself is a slow process.

[00:25:01]All right, recording is going on.