The “Public Angel, Private Monster” Narcissist Pattern

Added: 2026-05-03

[00:00:00]Everybody loves him, right?

[00:00:01]He's charming and funny and helpful, and he's easy to be around.

[00:00:06]People say that you're so lucky.

[00:00:07]Then you go home and he's cold, mean, cruel, punishing in ways that nobody else sees except you.

[00:00:14]So now you're sitting there trying to make sense of two different versions of the same man.

[00:00:19]That's the split.

[00:00:20]Let's talk about why he's cruel to you, but nice to everybody else.

[00:00:24]My name is Lisa Sonni, I'm a certified relationship coach.

[00:00:27]I'm an expert in toxic and abusive relationships.

[00:00:29]I've authored five books and I study abusive men.

[00:00:33]And I expose their tactics to help women understand exactly what they're dealing with.

[00:00:38]hit subscribe so you don't miss more videos like this.

[00:00:41]There's a very public and private split, right?

[00:00:44]He knows exactly how to show up in public because he reads the room really, really well.

[00:00:48]He knows what people respond to.

[00:00:50]I have heard Doctor George Simon say very clearly that they know that their behavior is bad because other people respond negatively to it.

[00:01:00]They can see people's reactions, they understand words.

[00:01:03]And this is why he seems warm and engaging and generous and magnetic and charming to other people.

[00:01:11]Conversations are going to flow really easily around someone like him.

[00:01:14]People probably even feel good about him and that whole version that he's creating.

[00:01:18]It gets reinforced by other people.

[00:01:20]It builds his reputation.

[00:01:21]He gets all this social credit using this version of him that he pretends to be.

[00:01:26]But then that door closes, right?

[00:01:28]You're alone with him.

[00:01:29]Alone in the house, alone in the car, on the phone with him.

[00:01:33]And you get the complete opposite.

[00:01:35]You get a totally different version.

[00:01:37]You get the cold man, right?

[00:01:39]The impatient man, the snippy man, the cruel man.

[00:01:42]And the truth is, we always talk about the behavior, right?

[00:01:46]What it's like to deal with the behavior.

[00:01:48]you realize what you're also dealing with is the contrast.

[00:01:51]Because if you're just dealing with an awful person, you can sort of brace yourself and get through it.

[00:01:57]But when you never know what version you're going to get, that's a terrifying place to be.

[00:02:02]Your nervous system is always braced and always waiting.

[00:02:05]It is so unhealthy physically and emotionally to be in a relationship like this.

[00:02:09]The truth is, you've seen what he's capable of.

[00:02:11]You know how nice he can be, and you keep wondering why the hell you're not getting that version of him.

[00:02:16]And obviously, it makes you question your place in his life.

[00:02:18]It makes you question what you're doing to not get the nice version.

[00:02:22]And so many of these abusive men, they're convincing you that you're the problem.

[00:02:27]It's you.

[00:02:27]You're the reason that I don't treat you well.

[00:02:30]You attack me. You're not supportive.

[00:02:32]You're not enough.

[00:02:34]Always blaming you.

[00:02:35]Now, some also blame it on trauma.

[00:02:37]Their mothers, drinking, their jobs, whatever.

[00:02:41]But what you notice in both of these scenarios is it's never them, right?

[00:02:45]It's always something else.

[00:02:47]It's always external.

[00:02:48]But when you start to compare how he treats other people with how he treats you, it doesn't add up.

[00:02:54]So it does start to make sense that maybe it's you right?

[00:02:57]You start looking at your own reactions, and his reputation is now something that you're very focused on, especially the covert abusers.

[00:03:05]Right. The nice guy that everybody else seems to like.

[00:03:08]The amount of women in a relationship with a man who treats them like garbage and treats everybody else well, it's just evidence to you that you're the problem.

[00:03:18]But it's actually not because abusive men are misogynists.

[00:03:22]And misogynists treat their women particularly awfully.

[00:03:26]Now, not every single abusive man is a diagnosable narcissist.

[00:03:30]Narcissism is a spectrum, and I have a belief which I share with Doctor Ramani Diversala, that all domestic abusers are narcissistic.

[00:03:38]And I point that out because abusive men care about their image.

[00:03:42]The whole point is to be kind to other people so that people like them.

[00:03:47]So that when you say crazy things like, you know, he doesn't treat me very well or he's abusive, other people go, really?

[00:03:54]Kevin?

[00:03:55]I've never had that experience with him.

[00:03:57]I just can't imagine Steve yelling and you feel crazy once again.

[00:04:02]It's like, maybe it is me. If no one else sees it.

[00:04:05]It's almost like abusive men want to get away with being abusive. Ha!

[00:04:10]who'd have thought?

[00:04:11]Who'd have thought that lying and pretending to be someone they're not is one of their best tactics?

[00:04:17]And honestly, when you add gaslighting into all of this, maybe it's not as bad as I think.

[00:04:21]Maybe I made this up.

[00:04:22]Maybe I'm just being sensitive.

[00:04:24]Maybe I'm the problem, right?

[00:04:25]You don't feel backed up on the outside that hits you so hard and you're so confused now.

[00:04:31]Something that a lot of people think about these abusive men is that they lack control, right?

[00:04:36]He can't control his anger, so he's taking it out on you.

[00:04:39]He can't control his emotions.

[00:04:41]So maybe he needs therapy to learn emotional regulation.

[00:04:44]Abuse is incredibly controlled.

[00:04:47]It is a demonstration of control.

[00:04:49]And there are two things that are really great tools to get this control anger and fear.

[00:04:55]This is a man who absolutely knows how to regulate himself when it matters, right?

[00:04:59]When other people are watching, he chooses how he shows up depending on who's watching and exactly where you are.

[00:05:04]He knows what his behavior would cost him if more people knew how he behaved behind closed doors, or if he treated them the same way that he treats you.

[00:05:13]And the tricky part of this is, is that that switch is really clean, right?

[00:05:17]It's he doesn't accidentally treat everyone well.

[00:05:20]It just happens.

[00:05:22]And you're stunned by this behavior when you kind of see him out in the wild, out in the world and you see him treat people well.

[00:05:29]30s after he just screamed at you, that is evidence that it is controlled, because if he was out of control, how can he be in control seconds later?

[00:05:38]That's not how it works.

[00:05:39]So he can maintain this really nice guy every time you're out seeing people.

[00:05:44]He's the nice guy at church. He's the nice guy at work.

[00:05:46]He's the nice guy in the driveway. When the neighbors are watching, when you're with his family or your family.

[00:05:51]But as soon as you're alone, suddenly you see the terrible version of him come out.

[00:05:56]Or the cold version, right?

[00:05:58]The cruelness shows up in many different ways.

[00:06:00]Sometimes he's cruel, openly name calling, yelling, but sometimes it's just cold and dismissive and you see that warmth just disappear as soon as the door closes.

[00:06:10]This tells you that the behavior is incredibly directed, and I want you to kind of sit with this, right?

[00:06:15]This makes you feel like your experience isn't real, right?

[00:06:19]But I want you to see that this shows you that he absolutely knows the difference, because he knows what respectful behavior looks like.

[00:06:25]You watch him do it, he knows how to do it, and he uses it selectively.

[00:06:29]And that matters that he knows sometimes and he doesn't know other times.

[00:06:34]He knows all the time.

[00:06:36]He knows exactly when to flip the switch.

[00:06:38]This proves that he's aware, and it means that he knows where to put the good behavior and where to put the bad behavior.

[00:06:46]He absolutely knows.

[00:06:48]You have to understand that abuse is a choice.

[00:06:51]And that feeling you have when you're alone with him, it doesn't just come out of nowhere.

[00:06:55]It comes from a lived experience.

[00:06:57]This is your nervous system trying to protect you.

[00:07:00]Now, there's a lot of reasons why these abusive men save the worst of the worst for their wives and girlfriends. Not the first of which.

[00:07:07]Misogyny, right?

[00:07:08]They don't like women in general.

[00:07:10]They like what they get from women.

[00:07:12]They want to have a woman.

[00:07:14]But you're a possession now.

[00:07:16]Someone who's narcissistic, highly narcissistic, or meets the criteria for the actual diagnosis.

[00:07:21]They lack object relations.

[00:07:23]So they really do see you as just an object that they can pick up and put down whenever they want, and treat you however they want.

[00:07:31]You're the closest person to him, right?

[00:07:32]So you are where he gets the most access your time, your energy, your emotional labor. Right?

[00:07:38]You're there consistently so he can unleash this on you, to control you, to hurt you, to devalue you, to keep you confused.

[00:07:47]Because that's the kind of stuff that makes you stay.

[00:07:49]I know it seems counterproductive, right?

[00:07:51]Many would think, well, that's the kind of stuff that would make you leave.

[00:07:54]But because there is an oscillation of kindness and cruelty with you, you stay confused, you stay wondering, and you stay trying to sort of solve this puzzle when actually it's right in front of you, but you're in the thick of it.

[00:08:07]It's easier to see when you're on the outside, but as you're in it, you wonder, did I caused this?

[00:08:12]What did I do?

[00:08:13]Am I missing something?

[00:08:14]Am I not really seeing what's going on here?

[00:08:16]He doesn't have to maintain this image when he's with you.

[00:08:19]He doesn't actually care what you think.

[00:08:20]He cares what people think.

[00:08:22]There's no social consequences when you're actually in the relationship itself, right? If you're mad.

[00:08:27]So what, he can just gaslight you, ignore you, whatever's necessary.

[00:08:30]He knows that you'll just move through it and he can keep treating you this way.

[00:08:34]In the actual relationship, he feels entitled.

[00:08:37]So many men will say, I'm not abusive.

[00:08:40]I had to yell at her. She wasn't listening.

[00:08:42]What a perfect example, right?

[00:08:44]He had to.

[00:08:45]He's just delivering what's justified, right?

[00:08:47]He's just giving you what makes sense to give you yelling when you don't listen, you are required to listen.

[00:08:53]He is entitled for you to listen.

[00:08:55]He's entitled to your compliance.

[00:08:57]So when you're not doing what you're supposed to do, the only reason he has you, then he needs to yell, right?

[00:09:03]You're not having sex with him often enough.

[00:09:05]He has to cheat.

[00:09:06]What other option is there?

[00:09:07]It's not like he could just break up with you, right?

[00:09:10]He has to keep you because he owns you.

[00:09:13]But you're broken.

[00:09:14]You're not giving him what he wants, when he wants it, how he wants it.

[00:09:17]He doesn't see you as a person so he can be cruel to you and not care that it hurts you at all.

[00:09:23]Also, he has no empathy, or at least he has low empathy.

[00:09:26]So you become the place where he can direct his anger and he can control you.

[00:09:32]And he likes it this way.

[00:09:33]Men who are abusive are seeking power and control, so everything that they're doing is really just different tactics and methods to get control and maintain control.

[00:09:44]And one of the best ways to do this is to make you feel crazy, because he's kind to everyone else and he's cruel to you.

[00:09:51]Now you you're living in two completely different realities, right?

[00:09:55]This is a dual reality.

[00:09:56]This is where you're experiencing traumatic cognitive dissonance.

[00:10:00]Now, the term traumatic cognitive dissonance was coined by Doctor Peter Salerno.

[00:10:04]And a little oversimplified.

[00:10:05]But the primary difference between cognitive dissonance and traumatic cognitive dissonance is that someone is doing this to you.

[00:10:11]He is creating two different realities and showing you both of them to create confusion.

[00:10:16]So there's this version of him that exists outside, and then there's this version of him that exists with you, and you're holding both of these realities.

[00:10:23]You are experiencing both of these, but it creates this tension, this discomfort in your head.

[00:10:29]And that is what traumatic cognitive dissonance is.

[00:10:32]But you're trying to reconcile this, right?

[00:10:34]Our brains feel that this is painful.

[00:10:36]Obviously it's discomfort and we want to feel better.

[00:10:40]Human beings want resolution.

[00:10:41]We want clarity. We want things to make sense.

[00:10:44]So we often kind of go, well, he's kind and cruel, so maybe it's me.

[00:10:49]Maybe it's trauma. We always try to come up with a reason.

[00:10:51]Because the truth is, if it's, oh, he's abusive, you need to leave.

[00:10:55]You need to action something you're stupid for staying, for not seeing it.

[00:11:00]And that is too painful.

[00:11:02]So our brains just go.

[00:11:03]Maybe it's you know, insert excuse here.

[00:11:06]We're seeking a way for both of these things to make sense.

[00:11:09]So we start to question our own reactions or our own memory.

[00:11:12]We question our interpretation.

[00:11:14]And this is the whole, like, you know, maybe I'm reading it wrong.

[00:11:17]Maybe I did provoke him.

[00:11:18]Maybe it is me, but it's not.

[00:11:20]And you start to edit your own experience with him, and confusion just keeps building.

[00:11:24]And here's the reason that so many women feel stuck.

[00:11:28]I want you to comment and tell me if you can identify with any of these reasons.

[00:11:31]Okay?

[00:11:32]We use the public version of him as proof that he's actually that guy, right?

[00:11:37]That everybody loves him thing that actually carries a lot of weight.

[00:11:40]That whole like, he's so good with other people that sticks with you.

[00:11:45]Why is he good with other people and not you?

[00:11:48]It must be you instead of.

[00:11:50]This guy is very calculated and knows what he's doing.

[00:11:54]Being calculated doesn't mean he's smart.

[00:11:56]By the way, so many women say, no, my guy's not smart enough.

[00:11:59]Consider this a little bit more instinctual, a little bit less strategic in terms of well thought out and more instinctual.

[00:12:07]When you're looking at how he treats other people and you just see that it's like he's such a good guy to other people, you are going to start using that to measure what's actually happening to you, and then you actually minimize your own experience.

[00:12:19]And you don't realize that this is abuse.

[00:12:21]What I'm describing is emotional abuse, right?

[00:12:23]You are being gaslit and manipulated and confused on purpose.

[00:12:29]It's on purpose.

[00:12:30]So you keep giving it more time and you keep trying, and you keep watching YouTube videos and reading books and talking to your therapist and trying to figure out how he became this way.

[00:12:40]He was always this way.

[00:12:41]He's just intentionally not showing you the real him consistently all the time, because this is the kind of confusion that keeps you stuck.

[00:12:50]When you can't figure it out, you almost feel a kind of paralysis.

[00:12:54]So when you stay in doubt, you stay in the relationship longer.

[00:12:57]And that's ultimately what he wants.

[00:12:59]Okay.

[00:12:59]So here's what actually tells you the truth okay.

[00:13:02]This is what you need to help yourself step into reality.

[00:13:05]Now, one of the key things to help yourself resolve cognitive dissonance is reality testing.

[00:13:11]This is a CBT technique.

[00:13:12]That's something that you can explore with your therapist.

[00:13:15]Or you can explore that with me in one on one coaching.

[00:13:17]I do work with women regularly.

[00:13:19]I also work with women in group coaching programs.

[00:13:22]But don't pay attention as much to how he is with people when they don't challenge him, right?

[00:13:27]Socially, a lot of people are just easy with him, so there's nothing to challenge.

[00:13:30]He doesn't have to assert himself, right?

[00:13:32]It doesn't matter how he is with short interactions or like when everything is really going well in his life or smooth.

[00:13:38]I want you to watch for what happens when he's frustrated, when someone says no to him, when you say no to him.

[00:13:44]When you push back or if you need something from him.

[00:13:47]Watch how he treats you when he doesn't get what he wants.

[00:13:50]Because this is actually really where his real pattern shows up.

[00:13:54]The version of him that you see behind closed doors, that's the real him.

[00:13:59]And I want you to really pay attention to that.

[00:14:01]So if you feel in love with a man like this, if you feel trapped, if you feel confused, I wonder if you're in a trauma bond.

[00:14:08]A trauma bond is an unhealthy attachment that exists in any relationship where there's an oscillation of kindness and cruelty, both behind closed doors and publicly.

[00:14:18]I specialize in helping women break trauma bonds and rebuild after I have a group coaching program called the Trauma Bond Recovery Group coaching, I co-host it with Doctor Peter Salerno.

[00:14:28]It's a 12 week program with just 8 to 10 women over 12 weeks.

[00:14:32]And you learn so much.

[00:14:33]We educate you, we talk through worksheets and journal prompts, and we really get through detachment, resolving cognitive dissonance and creating space for you to build the skills like distress tolerance and emotional regulation, the things that you need to see him clearly and make a decision for your life.

[00:14:52]If you're interested in community support, the Trauma Bond Recovery Group coaching program is going to be absolutely perfect for you.

[00:14:59]Thanks for watching.

[00:15:00]Hit subscribe so you don't miss more videos like this and I'll see you in the next one.