Dating in Denmark: What Happens When There Are No Rules

Ajouté : 2026-05-15

[00:00:00]I think I've actually never bought a drink to a lady just for curing her like that. Right. I may I might have given a round to a whole group but but not to a single lady that I was courting. Whereas I have actually received drinks from Danish women. You get really drunk. You walk in to a pitch black room with a little bit of light and then you find some random person who looks beautiful, really beautiful, right? you go home and then next day you wake up with a complete stranger, right? I mean it's completely foolish but a lot of couples in Denmark have met this way. Many Dan would say like okay but we we have met two times this week. Uh we have spent 4 hours together every every single time we met. So I'm actually giving you a lot of my time and that's my actions showing you that I'm into you.

[00:00:53]Hello and welcome back to another Dating Bamb Borders podcast episode. Today we're diving into one of the European countries that can feel especially frustrating for foreigners trying to find a romantic connection. From the lack of clear dating rules to strong gender equality that can challenge traditional expectations to a culture that values independence and emotional restraint. Yes, we're talking about Denmark, a country where completely normal people somehow look like models, which makes it incredibly appealing until you realize that dating here can feel ambiguous, casual, and surprisingly difficult to navigate. And joining me to unpack all of this is Steven, host of the podcast Looking for Love, or in Danish, uh there's another title that I cannot say for the life of me. Uh where he analyzes Danish dating culture and the author of the book From Dating to Love. So, welcome, Stephen.

[00:01:40]>> Thanks a lot. So happy uh to be here.

[00:01:43]Thank you for coming on. You've written a book, you host a podcast about dating in Denmark, so I think you're the perfect person to talk about all of this. Um, so let's start with a big question. Why do foreigners struggle with the Danish dating scene and what makes it so different from other places?

[00:01:58]I mean, apart from Scandinavia, of course.

[00:02:01]>> Yeah. I mean, the the fact is really that there is no script in Denmark.

[00:02:05]There's no dating script. And when I say script, I mean rituals or norms which are I think pretty common across the world. We all know that the man is supposed to initiate uh hold the door for the woman, these kind of things, right? And and that's all a little bit blurred and unclear in Denmark. It's not that they are not there and it's not that it you don't, you know, score any points. it doesn't help to be a a gentleman but but the script is really broken in many ways and I'm pretty sure we will dive deeper into why why that is uh in this interview.

[00:02:38]>> So as a Danish man yourself um would you ever let's say pay on the first date and if you do that is it just this is me wanting to do that versus this is expected of me? It's a good question and I think it's very much 50/50 in the Danish dating culture whether uh the man pays or whether he's not paying and it's actually if if we can take two steps back on that one a little bit. It's also because of the script of inviting someone out is a little bit broken in Denmark meaning that it's expensive to go out. So going out for a dinner for example with family is happening very rarely but the script is still there that if you are like you know your grandmother grandfather host a birthday party and you and they invite the family out they will be the ones paying but when circling back to dating uh we don't typically you know put it in words that I'm inviting you out for a date. So, it's not it's more like should we grab a cup of coffee and you know not implying exactly what's going on. Um or whether the if the date for example starts with a walk it doesn't cost anything and then you want to prolong the date a little bit so you want to grab a cup of coffee and then in the Danish wording it would come out as something should we grab a cup of coffee. So, it's a bit unclear, you know, what the script is, who is paying, who's not. And to answer your question, uh, it is some Danish women would expect the man still to pay. They find it unching that he's not. Many Danish men, and I'm saying the 50/50 rule, would be like, "Yeah, but we live in an equal society, right? and you earn your money, I earn mine. And and I mean if you invite me uh you will pay and I will pay the next one. Typically I think Dan they navigate it by you know someone paid the first one the other one pays the next one. But it it does create some awkwardness for sure.

[00:04:38]>> So that all kind of comes down to this notion of equality, right? Because women is as self-sufficient and is as equal as the men, right? So, there's not really that idea of the provider. Oh, I'm the man. I'm supposed to provide for you.

[00:04:51]Um, and is that kind of the main reason that you go back and forth or is there's not really a rule for that?

[00:04:58]>> Exactly. I think I think it stems from from that. And uh, of course, we can talk in in in very much length about that, but but in Denmark, the state has has really, you know, you could say supported everyone from the day they turn 18. and and and you don't really have to rely on the typical structures in society for example right which is family first and foremost but also hierarchy and if you have like especially in big countries India one example with the cast system but other countries as well where you have hierarchy you have elite culture these kind of things there are certain scripts again for how you address in um your boss your your family members your elderly family members so on so forth uh in order to show respect and because you show respect you will get something in reward and that's protection or support and these kind of things. But the state really sets you free. Which means that we have an extreme individual culture you could say where you are solely uh and individually responsible for your own happiness and uh and your own life essentially uh not in an economic way but in an emotional way and where you will take your life. And and so coming back to to the script of of who's actually inviting who out or paying for the coffee, that's exactly where it's all a bit broken uh there because I mean since we're all equal and since we all earn our our our money, it's it is fair to raise the question like uh why should we adhere to old scripts uh sometimes but in other other times not um right uh and that's why I'm circling back again to the broken um you could say discoursive script of not of not in the Danish language being able to just use the phrase I will invite you out or may I invite you out because then it's actually still clear in the Danish culture who's paying because that's the inviter you could say. So, um, just, uh, it it could be a good thing for for foreign ladies, for example, to to to just tease the man a little bit if they don't hear from him or something, the Danish man, then just say, are you inviting me out? Or like putting that invite in the word, and then it will all become more clear.

[00:07:18]>> How would they react to that? If the woman's like, "Well, are you inviting me out?" Would they find it cute and sweet, or would they say, "Oh, now there's all this pressure on me to act a certain part." I think you have to do it with a certain a bit a little bit of charm, right? And um I think you can Yeah. Does that mean that you're inviting me out?

[00:07:39]For example, could be sort of a a little joke that you a little play that you play in in in text. Uh I think you can do it in a in a very nice way where he would understand. Um, and that's coming back to another point as well that, you know, if if you're living in Denmark as a foreigner moving to Denmark, doesn't mean that you have to adapt 100% to Danish rules, right? Uh, you also have to keep some of your individuality and and your culture because I mean, not all Danes are are made equal, right? We are also uh loving sometimes uh some some other ways of doing things or or the old ways of doing things. You can also find Dan who who like that. So, so I think it's it's it's fine. Um, the most important point is just don't don't be disappointed, right? Don't don't be angry at the man for just being from a culture that is different than yours, right? It's it's just a different way of doing things. So, you just have to accommodate and understand. And once you understand, then you can try to navigate it. Yeah, you raised so many great points and one of them is kind of where it stems from which is that Denmark is um a society where showing that you're somehow better that's frowned upon. So this idea of yantalagen or yans I don't know how you say it in Denmark. I know it's a big thing in Scandinavia, but in general, right, the bragging is a big no no, right? Like if you wear all these fancy things or and you mentioned this in one of your videos as well, like if you say that you're the CEO or you wear an expensive watch, that's not really going to score you any points here. So, what should men maybe keep in mind as well when they're dating Danish women?

[00:09:16]Sorry to interrupt, but I just wanted to take a second to thank you all for being here. I love making these podcasts truly, but it really takes a lot. From finding guests to recording to editing, it's a whole thing. So, if you're listening regularly and you're actually enjoying these episodes, the one thing that you can do that makes a massive difference is to give it a five-star rating and to follow on Apple or Spotify. It sounds small, but it genuinely gives me a chance to reach more people, gives me the chance to grow it, to bring in bigger guests, and to create more complex instudio podcasts.

[00:09:47]Your support really means the world to me. All right, back to the episode. It >> it is true that it's very frowned upon to sort of brag. I think it is in many cultures, but but in in Danish culture, it it is looked upon as superficial. Um, also because like from a the Danish point of view would be like, okay, so you're the CEO. You tell me that you're the CEO. Why? Because I should infer that you're making a lot of money. Why?

[00:10:14]But but at the end of the day, money is just a means to to your happiness.

[00:10:18]eventually whatever you choose to use your money for, right? Um to pursue your own happiness, whether that's traveling, freedom, whatever. So, I think the story that you should tell as a man dating a Danish woman or or a Danish man for that matter, it also goes that way. Um is more like um what do you want out of life? What's what are your dreams? um show that you're a genuine person with with feelings and concerns and and that you're vulnerable uh as well. I think those would hit home much better. It it's not to say that you know um having on your CEO sorry your Tinder profile or or your Hinch profile that you are director in some companies it doesn't hurt you in that sense but it's more the way you carry it. It's more the way you present it. And if you make the date all about that or you spend a lot of time talking about that you only dream of your next promotion and then it comes across as very superficial to a dane.

[00:11:24]>> If you're a man and let's say you meet a woman in a bar and you say, "Hey, um, can I buy you a drink?" What do you feel like the reaction to that would be?

[00:11:34]Would it be a positive reaction? And of course it depends on the individual because you said there are people that like that that actually miss that that kind of chivalry. Um but overall is that a good thing? Should someone do that?

[00:11:45]>> I think generally not. I mean first of all drinks are very expensive in Denmark. So that's one thing. No. But let's I I I love to give this example that I think I was I think I've actually never bought a drink to a lady just for curting her like that. Right. I may I might have given a round to a whole group but but not to a single lady that I was courting um whereas I have actually received rings from Danish women uh early in the days right so that tells a little bit the story of how it can go so of course I mean it's a nice gesture but it can also very quickly come across as like what do you want out of this right like what's what's your game here so I mean immediately rushing into a are finding a lady say can I buy you a drink that's maybe not the best approach I would say I would just start buying my own drink and then just talking even the talking starting the the talking can be difficult but it's not impossible but but you can uh start to talk and then um she might be finishing her drink and you might be finishing her and then you have the window of opportunity to say like hey um would Ooh. Would you like to try this very interesting drink that they have on the menu here? Because I've never tried it. It looks super interesting. Do you want one as well? Right. Doing it a bit more casual.

[00:13:11]>> Yeah. Because I feel like if you buy the drink right away that there's a pressure on the woman to spend time with you, even if she doesn't want to, right? So, she feels kind of, oh, now I have to stay with this guy. Because in I feel like in other countries, a woman would just grab a drink, talk a second, and she can just leave. I feel like when I've talked to Danish women, it felt like they felt like they had to give back or they felt like an expectation of some sort. It that's just the culture, right? You don't just take things from people. You kind of give back. You don't want to owe people something, right?

[00:13:39]>> Yeah. Yeah. There's this um very ingrained in Danish society is the super individuality that we talked about a little bit earlier, right? So, and and with that comes also the fact that you shouldn't burden other people. So you have been given all this freedom and now it's up to you to make the best out of it without bothering other people. So that's why we're not bothering each other also in the public space for example. So not that's or in a bar for for that matter right. So, so there is definitely a barrier that you don't find in the same way, especially in the UK with the pop culture or in the US as well, where it's part of the culture that you go and talk to strangers. And it's actually also something that Dan really like when they travel to those countries. But if you do it in Denmark, you would uh encounter a barrier or a shield or a wall typically unless there is alcohol involved, then uh it might be a different matter. But but it's just to say that um you are completely right that it would be probably perceived that you uh buy the woman's time. Uh so and now she has to sip this uh before she can return safely to uh her friends that she's going out with. Right. Um so I I don't think it's the right approach. I don't I wouldn't advise a foreign man to do that if you come to Denmark to to just go and buy people drinks. uh it can be a nice gesture but after some conversation uh I think it's it's much better. Um and definitely you could would be hearing that she would say I can buy my own drinks. Uh yeah coming back to you with that statement that would be quite normal I think if you approach it too quickly.

[00:15:24]>> Um and then how do people meet in Denmark? because you'd mentioned that well obviously people don't talk to each other right Scandinavian culture people don't talk to each other unless they're in the environment where that environment prompts them to talk to each other like a bar or a club but I feel like that's still people in their 20s right what if you're in your 30s you know early or late 30s is dating online that's I guess the only way to really meet someone romantically it feels like >> yeah it there's a few things that we should uh un unpack uh before coming to that and that's one thing that friendships are quite deep in Denmark and they're uh um created quite early in life and that means also coming back to the bar scene that what you will encounter is groups of friends who are pretty exclusive. So it's fairly hard to just bounce into a group of friends and start talking to one of them because that one that you are approaching would be hesitant to talk to you because he or he is part of the group. Right? So, so it's a bit difficult, bit frowned upon as well to just launch yourself into a group and start chatting them up randomly. That's you would typically get the cold shoulder as we say in Danish.

[00:16:35]So, so don't don't do that. And that's that's um that's sort of the the one thing. The other thing is a planning culture. So, we are not spontaneous people. the the the Danish cultures is not a it's not a southern European uh outgoing culture where you randomly meet people in the bars because the weather is nice, the sun is shining. I'm in Spain right now for example and it's all about that here. It's it's easier to chat up people uh like that and it's not not like that and it's colder. So typically you stay indoors, you stay at home, you invite people over, your friends obviously your your inner circles and and what I'm just coming to now here is that uh in your 30s for example it it is very hard even for Danes to meet new friends uh and to to to and that's also why we have what I think in the media uh quite lately was termed um a loneliness epidemic. So uh 12% of of Danes feel lonely and and it's even worse among uh the younger population where it's 17%. And it is because we we we lack the structure or the script to to build community.

[00:17:49]Um I would say the best way to go about it if you're here for longer that would be to enlist in clubs, sports clubs, music clubs or some sort of organization or association. Danes are all about that and we are typically member I think it's on average three associations. Um so it's a good way to meet Danes. The second thing which is the lubricant as well I think many people speak about is the alcohol. Unfortunately you could say but but the alcohol once a day have been consuming two beers or something. It's a different matter. You can approach them much easier. they will also approach you uh talking about your jacket or whatever in the street. And so it's it's it's becoming much easier. But of course, not everyone drinks alcohol, right? Not all cultures consume a lot of alcohol. So so it it can be a little bit of a barrier if you're moving to Denmark to to to get into it. But going out and especially in an association or something like that, maybe for an event or party, the famous Christmas party for example, you will see Dan drink a lot of alcohol and you will also start talking. But of course that that doesn't mean that you um that doesn't mean that you will be friends. Uh and that can also uh put some people off a little bit. the fact that you know you can you can have a really good talk uh the the night before and everything was fine and now you feel that you have made friends with these Danes and then I mean there's not much coming back uh on Monday when you meet at in for work right uh and and uh you see the person again and it seems that it's just back to normal where you don't really know each other and in that sense can be quite cold unfortunately.

[00:19:41]Yeah, definitely. Uh it's interesting because Denmark and Copenhagen is at the top of the list. It was um for internations as one of the hardest places to make friends and and and it's that idea that people make friends in their schools or you know up to high school and then they have their form circle of friends and then it's so hard to break into that circle and then they keep their friends separate as well like these are my these are my work friends these are my school friends and it's just so hard to get in those circles.

[00:20:06]Um, but what's interesting is that you mentioned this loneliness epidemic, right? So, Denmark is just a very self-sufficient culture and there's very little stigma around being single. So, in this culture where people don't need each other, what actually drives people to commit?

[00:20:21]>> I think it's still the same thing. So, so if we just take away the, you know, the certainty or the the um the support system that you need uh monetarily uh financially to support yourself. If we take that away and that said I mean it still plays a role meaning that if you marry poor as as you would say in some cultures right then then it will still impact your your life obviously right um so so we we also have uh relative poverty in Denmark but but that said it's very taboo it's not talked about um at all or very little at least and it's also frowned upon to talk about right so you're not chatting with your friends about like, "Yeah, I'm meeting this guy and he's also really well off, right?"

[00:21:10]Like that that would maybe come into the conversation. What What does he do? Oh, he does this. Okay. Yeah. Okay. So, so that's so that's also a check, but it's not a big checkbox. Uh you could say, right? Um that's set aside. So, so that's out of the the equation. Then it's of course still um you know having a life partner uh to answer your question, right? having someone to live your life with uh of course intimacy um and and also uh creating a family.

[00:21:40]So, so there's there's still those aspects that are of course more emotional um and more emotionally driven and and I think maybe this is a little bit of a derude but but that can also to some extent impact the dating scene a little bit because if you if you go back to the certain the objective truths about is he a lawyer or is she a doctor and and so on so forth earning this and this much then there's a big check mark and you can say you you at least married someone who can uh support you, right?

[00:22:14]Uh but but here it's more of a feeling and that becomes a bit difficult to date based on if that makes sense, right?

[00:22:21]because it's like ah yeah today I'm feeling for this musician you know he has so nice dreams he wants to travel the world doesn't earn a penny but it doesn't matter you know the Danish state is paying so you know it's a so you can basically um have that uh dream or that intention one day and then the next day you can have another intention. So there's not this these structures that makes it quite clear what's the obvious good choice and what's the obvious bad choice. Um and that can create some confusion in the individual as well. I think >> well I think it's a great thing that there are no expectations right that you can be single or you can be uh childless. I think that's great. I'm now in Turkey and it's the opposite here.

[00:23:05]there's still very strong expectations and people don't really know how to differentiate with between what their family wants and what they want because they're so in tune with what the family wants. So I I find that it's a great thing. However, I live in Canada and we're experiencing something very similar. I did a lot of research on Scandinavia years back and I thought, "Wow, this is so different." But we're now in Canada, it's it's basically getting to that same thing where we're dating with the intention of finding the soulmate or the the person, but we're just mindlessly dating, dating, dating, dating. we're living with this person, then it fizzles out and then we move on to the next because there's no natural progression towards well are we getting married is like what is the end goal here and and because as you said we're going with the emotion side of it which is great but it's also really hard to choose because as you said today you feel like this tomorrow um you feel like this what's interesting in Denmark as well is this very um strong openness to sex and nudity and like the casual sex culture And I I wonder too because when I did my research I was like appalled. Wow, there's so many hookups. Um do you think that that's still true? Do you think that people still uh do those casual bar hookups? Can they lead to relationships or is that more of like a fun night out?

[00:24:21]>> I think they definitely can lead to relationships in Denmark. Uh and that's because uh the alcohol uh being the lubricant um you know you're throwing away your hesitations um uh you're more uh involved and engaged uh physically and then you end up um um after a good night out sleeping together and that's quite common in Denmark that actually you sleep together before you make friends whereas I I I studied sometime in France some time ago a long time ago And um and the approach was much different. You you made friends before you took it further, right? So you would sit with friends and her uh chatting with her and feeling like, "Oh, well, there's some chemistry here." Then you would invite her for like a cup of coffee and that's it. But still just being friends, getting to know each other, very casual. It's not a date.

[00:25:15]It's just like, "Yeah, let's talk about, you know, the course that we just had or whatever." That's that's my experience in France. And I really like that actually. Whereas Denmark is really head-on. The alcohol plays its its uh plays into it and and and everyone a lot of people have experiences with that in Denmark. I know uh having sex on the first not even a date, right? But just a night out and then waking up next day and like, "Oh, hello. What's your name?" And then um maybe deciding to to meet each other again or maybe not. So, so that's something that you should maybe be prepared for as well if you go to Denmark. But of course, it's not uh how everyone wants to to play it. But, but the most um most important thing is just that people should know that that sex doesn't it's very separated from emotions or can be very separated from emotions in Denmark. So, you can have sex as a as a thing that we enjoy together. mutual consent obviously and then um there's the emotional aspect uh that comes later. So about about the script um and the lack of script. There is actually I think a fairly strong script uh in Denmark or a norm that um we have this situationship right where you are in in the in the middle. You don't know what it is. And I think that's normal. You need to get to know each other right before you can decide on something. And deciding on something in Denmark means deciding on being born girlfriend. We call it caster the dearest one. it's uh translated into it's actually a cute uh word but but that happens uh I think after two to three months I would say that and if you're a foreigner a foreign lady for example traveling to Denmark and and settling I would maybe put it at yeah 3 months or but you can of course ask the Danish man uh the question are we now a thing or or not but this is the the the time when you're trying to figure out what's going on and are we into each other and then on a certain point I think that many Danes actually sit down and decide like making the the contract um looking each other into the eyes and saying are we boy and girlfriend now at least I've experienced that quite a lot and I think that's actually nice because it it sort of it doesn't prolong the situationship for a long time I know many people in Denmark say that the situationship is a thing and it's just dragging on for too long too much uncertainty. But I would just say like if you cannot find certainty with the one you are dating at the moment after two to three months, then you probably shouldn't be dating that person.

[00:28:00]>> So let me ask you, I actually have quite a few questions about what you just said. So one of the sex coming first.

[00:28:08]Um, it's interesting that you mentioned France because France is very much about the point to get to sex, which is the most exciting part where it's a little bit of that sedux, as they say, you know, whatever. That little that little leadup to, which is the most enticing part, right? Where I feel like because Scandinavia is so I mean, it's also progressive, but it's also awkward unless you're drunk, right? So, I feel like is that part of the reason that people are just like, let's get this over with. Let's see if there's, you know, if this clicks, if this makes sense. With that question, I also have a question for you that I ask all Scandinavians and they can't really answer that. But how can you tell if you have chemistry with a person that you slept with on a drunken night out?

[00:28:48]Because you're both drunk and it's kind of sloppy and that's uncomfortable. It's probably 3:00 in the morning. Um, you don't know each other at all. So, yeah, that I I'm just so curious about that.

[00:28:58]>> Yeah, I'm also very critical uh about that approach to to to meeting your soulmate, right? I think you you basically you get really drunk, right?

[00:29:08]You walk in to a pitch black room with a little bit of light and then you find some random person who looks beautiful, really beautiful, right? And then you go home and then next day you wake up with a complete stranger, right? I mean, it's completely foolish, but a lot of couples in Denmark have met this way. And and and I turn it completely upside down in in my book. I I talk about needs um needs based dating. In Denmark, we say a word that is not laden with like it's a bit negative needy, right? But but it's it's basically the fact that we should go the other way around now that we have online dating options where we can actually select a little bit who we want to meet, right? You don't select that in the same way in the dark room where you are intoxicated, right? So, so it's it's much better to to ask yourself the very honest and difficult question, what do I want out of my life? What do I want?

[00:30:09]Like, do I want to travel the world?

[00:30:10]Then I probably need to state that in or do I absolutely need to travel the world while I'm still alive, right? Then I need to state that in my dating profile so that she knows if she's afraid of flying, she probably won't be joining you, right? So it's it's just one example where it's like it's it's I think people are very afraid of these big questions in life and and it's so so important that you aligned with with your best with with your future spouse or or your your boyfriend or girlfriend right about these things because otherwise it will clash eventually. Oh, you you didn't want kids. Oh, you you could have told me four years ago, right? Uh so so so I think it's super important um to to align expectations first. So I'm I'm I'm very much on your side there. I don't think it makes much sense to go into a dark room uh completely intoxicated uh and then uh find find your the love of your life. Uh for sure that said um I think it's sort of a vending mechanism in the Danish and Scandinavian culture. It's I mean of course many have thought hard about why are we like why are cultures the way they are? Why is the Danish and Scandinavian culture closed? The Russian culture is also closed in the public space but much more emotional than the Scandinavian cultures when you get to know uh Russians or Eastern Europeans, right? Uh but but um so why is it like that? And honestly, I don't have the answer uh to that exactly right. Some people talk about small communities where you're not allowed to to show off too much in order to fall out of the tribe. Uh you know, so it's very it's very tribal. Some anthropologists have also said that Denmark is essentially a tribe. uh if you the the immigrants who came to Denmark in in the ' 70s um late60s what they encountered meeting the Danes was essentially a tribe with tribal rituals um um and and um and that might be true in in in many instances and and and we use alcohol uh to to basically um get that energy and get and and loosen up and and meet each other and since sex doesn't matter so much uh then it becomes it's it's actually not a big deal for for many Danes to and that's about the openness and the the sexual freedom you could say um that we can distinguish sex from we have not lost our honor for example now you being Turkey right uh we we haven't lost anything uh individually or for our family's sake right when when we have sex with someone else. So, in that sense, I think it's um it's not problematic. It's only problematic if you want to find the right one for you.

[00:33:11]>> Yeah, that's a great point that you don't actually lose any honor. And in in case of the women, women feel entitled to enjoy it as much as men because of the strong gender equality. So, I feel like in many countries, even if a woman wants that, she feels like, well, the man won't commit to me if he gets it too easy. I feel like in Denmark, yeah, could be, of course. But also, it's like, well, I want to have sex, so that's okay. I'm just going to do it, right? So, maybe it's also that you don't have to whine and dine in the woman to get her in bed. Um, could be a part of that as well, right?

[00:33:45]>> Absolutely. Absolutely. Definitely. I mean, it's it's definitely not a taboo that uh that that women have wants and needs uh as well when it comes to uh sex. And I think that's that's really great, right? Uh and and I that's I know many uh in my in my circles that it's just talked about completely freely like oh yeah this guy I'm I'm just beating him for sex right it's it's completely casual it's completely fine we do this in in many western cultures I think as well uh at this time of of uh in in the 21st century. So so I think that's that's completely fine uh and that's really really a good thing.

[00:34:25]>> You raised so many great points. Here's a question for you. Do you feel like talking to people, you know, you have this podcast, do you feel there's a desensitization that happens as well when you have that much casual sex? Do you then maybe it's not as exciting or I don't know, it just something kind of goes missing from that? I think we can we can start with the ritualistic dating um started with Tinder and and dating apps like um I always advise people to decide when that in the dating life are you now just dating for fun of course with the opportunity to find your love of your life if that you know materializes right but are you in your mindset just dating for fun then you can date multiple people every week and it won't confuse you because it's just about the sex eventually or are you dating for for actually finding a relationship a true life partner because then you shouldn't, you know, fall in the trap of, oh, she looks very cute.

[00:35:29]Let's see if there's something there, right? Just to have sex and casual while I'm also dating Sheldott and Louisa who um who happen to be super cute and maybe a life partners, right? because I don't think you can commit the the energy level that you need to have and people can sense it. Um that you're not fully there if you just came from a sexual experience with someone else the day before. H and then you go to the real date where you really want to impress but you're not fully there because you actually got your release uh the day before. Right. So I I that's that's my advice and that's coming back to your question. I think you can dilute your own experience if if you're doing it too much. And I've been in that boat. I mean, there are newspaper articles about me that I've swiped 200,000 times, which is my own calculation. Um, and um and and and what I got out of that uh I got a book out of that, but um and a podcast, but um I was completely, you know, I would say an addict. And I think many feel that way, an addict to to Tinder like just it's just a new number that you're meeting today, right? It's just you're following the script. Yeah, we're going to meet at this cafe that happens to be your favorite cafe because it's just next to your own apartment so you can escape uh problem free uh back to your own zone, right? And and so I I think we should avoid that and then take it a bit easier than making sure that you in the dating situation for example also get something out of it. So I would always advise people to go to a museum that you anyway would like to see even if you should go alone and then bring your date along also because that would tell the date something about you that you want to go to see this particular museum or some something else right I'm definitely sure that um a lot of people are troubled and uh also to some extent damaged by the fact that sex is so available now and Uh, and we can date endlessly. Uh, and that can bring you in Danish we say take the cold Turk, right?

[00:37:39]Meaning that you stop doing something and then you restarted a little bit later. I did that with my continuous dating and then two days later I found my now wife. Um, and I think it's um it's it it can be dangerous to date too much. I think I think and and that's also coming back to dating becoming um what you do like work right is like and not bringing the fun into it. You need to make sure that what do you want out of life and dating is just part of that. It's not the whole life. Right? If if it if it's the only thing that you can think of when you wake up in the morning, who is my date today? you know, is he the right one? Is she the right one? It's a problem, right? You have to keep your have your own interest, your own hobbies, your own see your own friends, but still leave 15% of your time, of course, to meet the right one.

[00:38:36]>> Uh, so here's a question for you. Let's say I come to Denmark and I don't want to have sex with someone from the get- go. U, what does that look like? So, I go on a date with this guy and he's just kind of expecting that it's going to happen sooner rather than later. Is he going to feel like he's wasting his time with me if I'm like, "Look, I I just I don't do it. I really want to get to know you first."

[00:38:59]>> I think the the rule of thumb uh that I adhere to is definitely three to four dates. And if it's a Dane Dane to Dane uh dating thing, I would say two to three. If it's a a foreign lady coming to Denmark, I would say three to four, even five maybe. And it's just to make sure that he's genuine about it.

[00:39:20]um because he might be thinking about the foreigner as an opportunity. Uh but again, she's not part of the circle. She might leave the country for another position somewhere else. Uh being an expat maybe or you know, so it's it's it's more casual from the get-go probably. She's probably put in very quickly simply she can be could be put in what I would call the bucket the casual bucket, right?

[00:39:48]where you're just like in in that zone, not the opportunity, the the relationship potential. So therefore, I would be a bit more cautious as a foreign lady and I would take it a little bit longer.

[00:40:00]>> So a few foreigners have complained to me and said that what happens in Denmark in that middle stage is that with Danish women as well, so let's say it's a Latin American guy and they're known for their grand efforts and big gestures and sweet words and that's kind of what they do in their home country because that's what women expect. But in Denmark, if you do a lot of that, and you'd mentioned very individualistic country, Danish women can get easily scared off because personal space is a really big deal.

[00:40:25]Talk to me about that. Like how much is too much? Can you text someone every day? Do you need to leave space? What does that look like in that initial stage? Yeah, you you need to sense the person uh and I think it's also fair to bring it up actually just casually um uh somehow in a conversation like uh that oh I'm I'm not just so you know I really like you but but uh before we we part today I'm not the one who's responding to to Tinder messages every day or to on Instagram every day or something like that just so you know um because I have my privacy I have my friends I prefer being offline these kind of things I think it's It's quite good to to just mention that um it's definitely putting uh Danish women uh off if there's um too much pressure to respond to messages.

[00:41:15]That's that's uh also from Danish men even. Um there's just too much going on.

[00:41:22]And again, we're coming back to this planning culture of Danes, meaning that Danes typically have their calendar packed one to two months ahead. meaning that your messages they will come and she's at a birthday party uh or he is with family and uh next uh in the evening he's out with friends and and you know it's also like you know sitting and texting the whole evening while you're with people offline it's also super rude right so so I it's definitely um it's definitely good to bring uh out in the open and just talk about that and it can definitely also come across as a little bit uh needy Um if and a bit too much if you are you know rolling out all the the nice superlatives and um and and and and the the kind words about looks and whatnot and could be too much, right? So so it has to be played really subtle on for for women. On the other on the other way, if if a if a foreign lady is is is dating a a Danish man, she might come to Denmark expecting to get uh this courtship, right? And she might not. Um so and and that can also be a problem uh for sure. Um and I think there it's very hard and it's also a bit putting off uh everyone if you are asking for it, right? then the magic uh evaporates evaporates just the magic disappears, right? But um so so there I think the the the the lady the foreign lady that comes to Denmark and expecting that should just put those expectations a little bit aside uh for for the Danish men. And then I think um many Danes would say like okay but um I we we have met two times this week, right? uh uh we have spent uh 4 hours together every every single time we met. So I'm actually giving you a lot of my time, right? And that's my actions showing you that I'm into you, right? So it's more about reading the actions than the words, I would say.

[00:43:33]>> Yeah. Uh cuz I find that for a lot of foreign women, especially from certain countries, uh that have, you know, heavy gender norms, obviously, it could be so frustrating because you don't know if the Danish man is interested in you, like he's not actually messaging you a lot, like should you be pursuing him, but then if you're pursuing him, is he in it for the fun ride and nothing more.

[00:43:51]So, I think that's where it can get a little and I've talked to, you know, foreign women. Um I remember a Russian girl who she said he invited me home and he just gave me a glass of water. like there was nothing, there was no wine, like I didn't feel any effort and of course, you know, we know Eastern European women, the effort is definitely up there. Um, so I find it could be very incompatible with the Scandinavian culture um because it's just, you know, very different expectations.

[00:44:15]>> I'm I'm sad to hear that he didn't offer her some wine. I mean, that would be quite normal, but but I could definitely see that happening for sure. And um my advice also when I'm coaching uh Danish men is like it's true Danish women want genuine you know relationships and genuine conversations where you where you're open and you are yourself but we are always playing a role right you are meeting at work and in Denmark as well even though we have very casual uh work life as well also the way we dress and so we still dress up a little bit right and it's if you going to your lawyer, if you're going to see, you know, the municipality, whatever. Typically, you you you play a role in each of these scenarios. And when you're going to a date, I always say if you have troubles figuring out what to wear, what just think about it if you're going to your office job, like what would you wear, wear that, right? Because then then you're good to go. Don't be like and and a lot of Danish men unfortunately are like this. Like, yeah, just take me as I am, right? I'm like this. I will be like this for my whole life. So, she can just as well just like it or not like it, right? And then I'm saying like, "Yeah, but you're not, you know, coming in your boxes, you know, farting a little bit.

[00:45:33]Uh your hair is all messy, right?" It's like that's that's not who you are in a date. That's not how you are in in public space, right? Like so uh of course eventually you would get to know each other very intimately um in a relationship but but don't bring that uh don't bring your bad humor as well. Oh, how do I know it's bad humor? I I like my own humor. Yeah, but you know the racist jokes that you break with your friends are completely inappropriate, right? Uh just uh there's nothing nothing there that can justify that. So don't definitely don't also don't bring that to to a date, right? Don't bring that anywhere. Uh and it it it can of course be hard conversations, right?

[00:46:17]Because then people are like, "Yeah, but then then I'm not myself." Then like then I'm not genuine like Yeah. But then coming back to the reality of life, we are playing roles still, right? It's not everything goes. So it's it's of course meeting in in between, right? Like I think Russian ladies to a Danish man that would be high maintenance uh like with the uh flowers, the suit, you know, the bling bling you have to show and the um and driving around town picking up so on so forth, right? For a first date.

[00:46:52]Also, for example, I always advise people not to go on dinner dates. So Danish Denmark is a multicultural society still. So you you do have subcultures obviously from the Balkans, from Eastern Europe, from Turkey where it is more traditional and where sometimes I have uh these men calling me for for uh consultancy sessions as well and they're like, "Yeah, but then I brought her uh for dinner on the first date and I'm like, "Yeah, but that's that's that's too high maintenance. That's too much for both of you, right? If you don't really like each other, then you have spent so much money uh already there. Just there. I like the Danish way. They more casual uh a little bit better. Just meeting for a walk or meeting, oh, I I invite you out for a cup of coffee. Uh for example, um coming back to the wine still because I'm sad to hear that he didn't uh pop a wine or or maybe some just something, right? It is because again alcohol plays a very important part and it can loosen up the conversation in Denmark. So it is I like wine bars for example. I think that's a really really nice uh place sophisticated place fairly sophisticated place to to meet um for a second date for example. Maybe the first date is just a walk. Um I like to say like go somewhere where it's not just a walk but where you're going to see something like you haven't seen like oh they have built a new bridge somewhere in Copenhagen go and see that right I want to see that and if it's going well after half an hour 1 hour then you're like oh I would like to invite you for a cup of coffee because yeah I really like your company shouldn't we go do that and then then it it's getting a bit more you know face to face um so that's how I I would go about Well, from I've had two experiences with Danish guys. I went out on a couple of dates well with one and with the other and both have been in bars which was kind of nice and of course they know I'm a foreigner right and one was in Copenhagen and one was um in Prague so you know kind of different situations. I have to say I really really like Danish style for men specifically. I think it's like casual maybe because just everyone looks good. It's like clean but casual, you know? It's like a nice combination.

[00:49:11]I'm not a fan of the Italian whatever, you know, over-the-topness that they're doing. I just personally don't like that. And I like a certain casualness in the dating as well because then you can be yourself more than if you're sitting and you're supposed to act this theatrical part of here I am as a lady and here you are as a man and how successful you are and how pretty I am.

[00:49:30]And so I like the casualness of the culture and of course it can go sometimes to an extreme where you really don't feel like a lady at all. Uh, but I like the concept of going out and doing something very casual on that first date. I also like the Danish sense of humor. It can be really um it can hurt sometimes. It can be very sarcastic. It can be like a jab, but it's smart. It's like witty. It's kind of like a little bit like British sense of humor. So, I really appreciate it and I actually miss it, you know, when you travel and you just like you're exposed to different types of uh humor. Um, there are certain countries that are like really stand out for me and Denmark is one of them just cuz I feel like people can laugh at themselves more. They don't take themselves so seriously.

[00:50:08]>> Absolutely. Yeah. I think I think you nailed it right there at the end especially like we we don't take ourselves very seriously and that opens the doors for many different and interesting conversations right uh people are more open u more open to share about their vulnerabilities uh their fears uh their aspirations whereas you can really feel for example American culture I also lived in the states for a while and it's like it's very performative right it's it's a performance Um and even like just casual friendships or talks over a bar or something. It's very quickly centers around uh what you did or what you are going to do uh or who you are as as a as a corporate person or all your successes in life and and and these kind of things and and when it's over and the Dane would also expect a little bit more because okay we have shared something then it's completely you know it's very superficial right and and that that can really hurt the Dane as well if they feel that uh you know they're entering into too any kind superficial conversations, they would really want to go go deep and and understand the other person genuinely. And I think you're right that it can also help there that you don't show off, right? You don't uh have the red dress on. You're super sharp there, right? But you also as as a female more casual uh down and and you would see that if you I'm sure you have been to to Denmark and and the the females also carry themselves with lesser makeup than most other countries.

[00:51:42]and and and more in a natural tones, right? Um so that's what's appreciated in Denmark at least. Um that's true.

[00:51:51]>> Stephen, in terms of you know going forward with relationships, um obviously the concept of marriage is dying out in a lot of the western world. Um do you feel like Danes still have that end goal in mind or is it just whatever works for that couple? Because one of the, you know, concepts that I heard which is cola, I don't know if you heard of it, but it's couples living apart. And essentially like you can have a child, but you choose not to live together from the get-go. Not because you have a bad relationship, you just want your sense of privacy. Do you think that's common as well?

[00:52:21]>> Um, Cola, I don't think it has really hit Denmark yet. I Well, it I know one couple that sort of live like that. Um they yeah they live apart I would say half of the time and that gives them more energy to be together they say when they are together and I completely buy into that and I it depends on on on who we are as people but me I can actually entertain I'm I'm a lonely child as well so I can entertain myself for for hours with all my projects and stuff so I don't mind you know being alone for for a long time and then also when I'm with others then I'm pouring all my heart into being with them and just shutting down the phone and and completely I'm in in that situation, right? Uh 100%. So, so I think that I think it's a it's a good u turn that we can now challenge the the ordinary way of of building a family in that way. But I don't really see it uh that much in Denmark. And even I haven't really read so much about in the media. Once in a while there's an article about it, but I don't think it has really hit Denmark. Um, coming back to the marriage is is still a very romantic thing obviously and it's still something that is very much on people's minds maybe especially the ladies minds and how it's carried out and uh and all the details. Uh but that said in Denmark it's also a very much a practical thing and there are many couples who just happen not to get married uh even though they have kids and it's just they might not believe in the institution and it's coming also back to the fact that Danes are a pragmatic people in general. It's a it's a peasant culture. It's a peasant uh pragmatic culture. uh whereas like you know we don't care so much about big ideas and big religious or philosoph philosophical uh thought in general not like the French uh for example where and and that's that makes it more like for example in the sense of uh marriage like oh well we have some tax benefits actually if we get married oh there's some insurance benefits as well um and there are certain inheritance uh aspects to it as well if one passes away and these kind of things. So it it quite quickly becomes a thing that is um a good thing to do if you have kids especially and many people do it for that reason. So they don't marry until they have kids. And then the the the arguments for doing it when you have kids are overwhelmingly uh so that that you would just do it without a big fuss. And you might I have many examples in my family and my friends where they didn't invite almost anyone maybe just their two parents and that's that's it. And then they just meet at the town hall and get it over with. Um so so it is not the same as many other countries. Um yeah and of course we can talk in great length about that as well because I mean uh what's what's the reason we get married and uh there's the institution protecting to certain extent the the woman carrying the child where she's in a very vulnerable situation traditionally right and you show to the whole community in your village that now these two are together so don't mess with that and uh so you know that's that's the whole uh where we're coming from right and obviously that doesn't resonate very well with the modernday Danish society. Uh but the tradition is still strong and people like the tradition about marriage and weddings.

[00:55:58]>> There's also I heard quite a large uh divorce rate and I I would have to look it up, but I think maybe it's because in Denmark there's also like there's no stigma around these things, right?

[00:56:10]Right? It's like if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. You know, get up and try again kind of feeling instead of like, oh no, now my family knows, now society knows, you know, I'm a single woman with a child. Um, do you I don't know if you know this the stats around divorces. Um, is it fairly high in Denmark?

[00:56:27]>> It is fairly high. I I don't remember the exact percentage, but typically we say 50%, around 50 50%. It is up there with Belgium as well. I think France as well. So it is a phenomenon that is western very much. I think the the lowest uh divorce rate is India. Uh as far as I remember but um but so so it's not only a Danish or Scandinavian thing. It it is a western thing. Belgium might even be higher than Denmark. So um am I right? Yeah. You're nodding. So >> well I just looked it up and uh it's 40.8%.

[00:57:07]So you're very close. It's Yeah, it's it's quite up there. Not as high as 50, but still very high.

[00:57:13]>> Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. And and I think that's measured over quite many years.

[00:57:17]So it's is a divorce happening over 30 years. It's quite a long time actually.

[00:57:24]So um but but yeah, it's it's it's not stigmatized in any way. If you get married, it's more like, oh yeah, it didn't work. It's probably best for both parties to to part. It's more the way that it's happening, right? that uh we we all hope that it's happening in a in a peaceful way uh taking making sure that the kids are all right and that you know arrangements are made for the kids that that that benefit them and I think looking around in my my friend circles it's also quite normal that it does work quite well fairly well right where you know um we have these this phenomena if you are divorced then it's typically it's it's calculated in in 14 days, right? So, typically you are on a seven seven scheme we call it and seven seven scheme means that you have the child 7 days and then I have the child 7 days. When the children are younger then the the mother tends to have the children more than the father. So, um that would be a 95 scheme for example, right? So, nine to the mother, five to the father. So, that's how we we we split it up. But that's interesting when it comes to dating as well. And you should maybe know that if you're if if you're foreign lady coming to Denmark dating Danish man in the late 30s for example then they might say I can date you in in in these weeks you know every second week and that's exactly because of that. So that's and that creates some problems when you think about it because if you're finding a Danish lady who's on the same seven seven scheme but in the same weeks as you then there's no almost no chance that you can actually meet because you have the kids while sorry the opposite right and she has the kids while you're free so and that I that that's actually a reason for not dating then you meet and you say in Tinder yeah oh you're okay you you have the wrong week so goodbye >> that's crazy I've Never heard about that before. That is so crazy. So a friend of mine was an opair in a Danish family.

[00:59:26]She said something that was very interesting to her was that the way people ended their marriages was very no drama, just very let's sit down and talk. It was very practical. But they also kept in touch. They still hung out.

[00:59:38]Like her new husband, his new wife or his new partner, they would still hang out together, which is not something that happens a lot around the world because usually it's followed by a lot of drama and a lot of I hate you, here's your things, get out, never want to see you again. Um, is that a reflection of how it's just a pragmatic, practical Danish people are?

[00:59:56]>> I think so very much. It's it's like a very clear statement of pragmatism. I would say it's all a performance for the kids as well, right? Even though there are some emotions maybe into it. Um it's maybe also a realization after coup's therapy where you have actually reflected and you be become more objective about the relationship and the status of the relationship that oh let's get the best out of it right um so I I I I hear so many couples who are working like that and where it's working great that said um it I also know many singles without kids who are dating uh people with or persons, one person with kids and uh and and and of that's also fairly normal. Um but it will always create some frustrations and some questions and because it's you know the kids are always the first thing, right? It's a first priority for so so it's it's hard to to insert yourself into a situation where you have the the the mother of the kids and the you're dating the father and every second week he has the kids and you have to be the the second reserve mother for them for them while you still also want your own kids and so it can it can become quite messy and let's not even get to the Christmas uh right because then it's like who has you know the the proper Christmas day the 24th in Denmark And then there are celebration 25th, 26th. How do we divide it? Who's coming?

[01:01:28]Who's invited? Who's not? Uh it can it can get really complicated uh pretty quickly when you have these um these quite messy family structures.

[01:01:39]>> Stephen, two more questions for you. One of them is based on your own experience or experience talking to others um you know, when it comes to dating foreign women, are there any cultural misunderstandings that come up a lot?

[01:01:52]Obviously, we talked about the gender roles. I think that's probably the big one and just the lack of effort for the men as they expect in their own countries. Is there anything else that we missed or would you say those are the the top two?

[01:02:02]>> I think those are definitely the the top two. Um, I think the most in the the most important thing here is is not to hurt yourself in the Danish culture, right? And the and how to avoid that is to to educate yourself by, for example, um watching this video or other information out there about how the Danish culture is. But but don't Yeah.

[01:02:25]Don't be angry at the Danish culture or the Danish people following that culture because it's just how it is. So, so and at the same time, yeah, don't adapt to it 100%. You also have to bring your own uh personality, your own culture to it.

[01:02:41]And when you do those two things, I think you can also start playing in between as we also spoke about early on uh in the interview that that you can sort of in a nice way ask him maybe, oh yeah, are you inviting me out for example or is that an invitation or you know not in a sarcastic way but just in a fun sweet way. So, um, and and also if you're a foreign lady and and you meet a Danish man who's into you, it's also a good sign, of course, and he would probably also have some expectations of you being different and maybe he's actually looking for someone who's not a Danish woman, right? So, so maybe he wants to be according you. So, so you can also have that um situation. And then finally, of course, it's also quite important to to mention, it's just many expats would touch down in the bigger cities in Denmark. And the bigger cities, there is a shortage of uh men and especially high education uh higher educated men, which are I mean women in general, it's uh proven statistically in surveys, tend to date uh higher status men compared to themselves. So, so that means that the short shortage is quite real. If you're an expat PhD, for example, you will have a hard time finding a Danish PhD that is still available on the market, right? So, it's also just to um we have to you have to maybe open up a little bit and um and and in order to find one, I mean, you can also find an expert, right? But uh in order to find a Danish man, you might have to loosen a little bit on the demands that you would have if you come from New York or Istanbul or some big city where there's just thousands and thousands of singles in your category right.

[01:04:34]>> Yeah. Now, okay, last question for you.

[01:04:36]If you had to simplify Danish dating into one truth that most foreigners don't understand at first, what would that be?

[01:04:43]>> I think it's actually the egalitarianism.

[01:04:46]I think it's something we actually have not spoken about directly but we have circled a lot about in this interview.

[01:04:54]Um it's the the culture of egalitarianism. And why is that important? Because the things that we've been talking about about you know opening the door, paying on the first date, but so many other things also the bragging for example, it all comes down and you know please don't bring it up in a date, right? That like don't don't like oh yeah your D is so egalitarian they would just be looking like what are you talking about? Like it's it's a concept, right? It's a structural cultural concept that if you know it just keep it to yourself and remember it because you will be judged immediately if you cross the line of we are all equal right if you somehow tell that you know back home where I'm from we have a waitress already uh no sorry not a waitress a um a mate already that for many days would be like a a mate like can't you you know do your own uh chores in the house, right? It's always like a sign of, you know, uh what's that about?

[01:05:55]Um so that's just to give one example of of how egalitarianism is is so ingrained in the Danish society. So everyone is equal. The waiter who's serving you is that's also a I think a good indication of a of you say the manners and and where a person is coming from. How do they you sit at the coffee date or you sit at the wine date? how is this person treating the waiter? Um because that gives you an indication of is this person empathetic to other people and empathy uh goes hand inhand with egalitarianism as well because it's it's really the interest in other people and in the in in the benefit and the and in the good life of other people as well and the belief that if other people have a good life then they don't come and kill me to take my money at the end of the day. Right? So that's why we are willing to share half of our uh income with with other people. So we don't uh so we have a a peaceful society where no one is is really needing anything. And this is so ingrained in the yandelo uh don't believe that you are better than anyone else. We are all equal and this.

[01:07:04]So if you if you don't get it and if if you play against that it's red flags immediately raised.

[01:07:10]>> Stephen, thank you so much. Was such an insightful conversation. I'm I'm fascinated with Scandinavia in general.

[01:07:16]I It's one of, you know, one of the parts of the world that just keeps bringing me in. Actually, I did a whole bunch of series or a bunch of videos on Sweden, Denmark, and Norway, and Finland, which is the Nordics, but um close enough. Uh but Denmark is really, really interesting. And it was so great to chat to someone who lives and breathes dating in Denmark. Sounds weird when I put it like that, but you know, you wrote a book about it. you have a podcast about it and you know Danish culture inside out. So it was really really great. And so for anyone that has any questions for Stephen, drop them below, but I'm also going to link his socials and I'm also going to link his podcast if you speak Danish because it is in Danish, right?

[01:07:55]>> Yes. Um you can go check it out, >> right? And also go and uh check out his book if you want any um tips on dating and finding love. So thanks again, Stephen.

[01:08:07]>> Thanks so much. It was a true pleasure.

[01:08:09]Really, really interesting talking to you, I think.

[01:08:12]>> Thank you. Same, same. Two dating, two dating people coming together talking about dating. Um, guys, if you enjoyed it, let us know below and stay tuned for next week's podcast. And as usual, stay human, stay curious. Until next time.