| DAY BREAK | SociaI Hour : Sexuality Education

Added: 2026-05-26

[00:00:12]Good morning and thank you for keeping it. Citizen television social hour begins right now. We are so glad that you created time to join us for yet again another Tuesday and we want to talk about the young people today. I'm excited about this one because it's one of those difficult conversations that we avoid having. In fact, I'm one of those people that are going to learn a lot when it comes to just talking to the young people about matterexuality. We're talking about sexual sexual sexual education and adolescent health. And this is coming from uh the ruling just the recent uh court ruling that uh sort of like elicited a lot of reaction among the populace concerning where we are going with regards to uh our young population. And when we say the youth we are talking about adolescent 19 years 18 years we are not addressing those ones. We are talking about this young cohort of our loved ones who are beginning from up 10 years teenagers that that that that age bracket and I'm saying this and my director Lindsay is actually shocked and the reason why she's shocked is because we're going to be talking about how the young people are increasingly increasingly becoming affected by this particular matter and we've hid our head in the sun for far too long and it's about time that we have this discussion. You will be shocked that the age of the first encounter to sexual activity has been going down and down as the years go by.

[00:01:43]And I'm passionate about this discussion. But I'll not be having this alone.

[00:01:48]Luckily, because I have a panel of four, two ladies and two gentlemen who are going to help me unpack this for our young population.

[00:01:57]And I'm happy that you're here.

[00:02:01]We are so glad that you're here. and CJ to set the record straight there's a lot that has been saved with regards to do we talk to our young people about sex do we talk to them about their their sexual health and how do we do that how do we break down that particular topic and that is what we are here to do representing the young people former child >> former as a former child I know things about children I have more than 20 years experience 10 years.

[00:02:34]What is happening?

[00:02:35]>> Yes.

[00:02:36]>> 10 years. Yeah. 10 years. You'll be shocked how much these children know.

[00:02:40]>> And it actually goes lower because I remember when I started doing uh sexual education. I was a teenager. I was around 19. Okay.

[00:02:50]But at that time the statistics were showing that kids as young as 9 8 years old were having sex that they deemed to be consensual amongst themselves. So, I'm happy we're finally having this conversation on a national level.

[00:03:03]>> Yeah.

[00:03:06]You're going through a lot.

[00:03:10]Don't go down that but congratulations to us. It's fine.

[00:03:18]It's okay. We'll get over it. But I will be fine. But I'm really glad we're talking about this. I know it's a very sensitive topic and I know many people don't like talking about it but I'm glad we are addressing it on national TV on citizen TV of course. So all right >> ready for it. So to set the to put it in context. So there's a young man 17 years um he was arrested and uh he was um charged with defilement because um during the raid that the police conducted alipatan a 16 year old who is the girlfriend and these two young people had welcome a consent like they were leaving they were cohabiting they were I wouldn't say they were married they were cohabiting but nobody was complaining. So when the police raided their room and um found these two people, they were arrested and uh they were they were they were detained and the the case went on and uh the young man ended up being charged with defilement. So this is um what moved uh a group of rights activists to go to court and uh they they they they took this case up and they were trying to say that it is not right to put a blanket condemnation to these young people who have what has been quite common the last few days consensual sex.

[00:04:40]Nobody is complaining. Nobody has said somebody has defiled the other. But what really stood out for me about this particular judgment when I was reading it was what the petitioner said that we are condemning the young people without you know playing our part of society that is to give them information. We've not like really invested in the preventive approaches yet we are so big on the punitive approaches. So let's have that difficult conversation.

[00:05:09]Yeah.

[00:05:18]People are so mad. Others are like, "Yeah, I mean it's a step in the right direction. Where do you sit in this debate?

[00:05:24]>> I I I think first of all, thank you for having me. Um this is a very delicate uh conversation and uh uh for me I want to um take the direction of um the societal expectations and responsibility.

[00:05:39]Uh when we talk about um a 17year-old and a 16 year old cohabiting in some house um before we condemn these young people uh what is our role as adults and uh responsible citizens around them because these are basically children who are supposed to be either in school or living with their parents >> and uh from the the stories we are hearing is that it is not something that began that very day. they have been living together. So there is some gap in the parental responsibility, societal responsibility that has exposed these children into this exploration and that age is an age where a children want to find out how why things happen the way they happen and therefore if they given an opportunity or space to explore that they will go full-blown. The only problem is that as a society we need to equip these children and as Roberta said that sometimes as early as 9year-old 8y olds they have already been exposed to these um to these acts they can be exposed through the phones they use through the house girls and house boys that we have at home because most of the time we are very busy. So we do not know what our maybe house girls or house boys are exposing our children to. So we need to step up and get find out what is it that my child knows about this topic.

[00:07:06]The only thing is that like you've said it is a difficult conversation for parents sometimes to have with their children and therefore a 10 yearear-old you are shying off from just starting that conversation. For example, they will come home and um they're giggling in their rooms and everything because of something they experience but because they do not have that kind of freedom to have conversations with you. So all this goes back to the bringing up.

[00:07:29]>> All right. and the parental uh responsibility and basically what schools also do. So maybe the schools I know this sex education is part of the curriculum currently both in CBC and even international curriculums. So the way we implement it we need to be very intentional about it and especially for the boy child >> we need to uh the rate at which things are happening in the society we we just need to have this very difficult conversations. Colle is an educator by the way and uh an author. Yes.

[00:07:59]>> Written a book, Parenting and Beyond.

[00:08:01]>> Parenting Now and Beyond.

[00:08:03]>> Parenting Now and Beyond. Yes. Yeah.

[00:08:05]It's good to say that. Yeah. All right.

[00:08:07]So, um I want to hear your thoughts as well, Roberta. Uh what what what came to your mind when you saw that that judgment? Some people are very angry sort of like what what is the court telling our society?

[00:08:21]>> Yeah.

[00:08:22]>> And those were the kind of comments that were being thrown around. When I saw that uh trending online, my first thought of course you run through the comments and what I saw was so many people were very angry and I was trying to understand is it that they don't understand um what is being said and what the petitioners are pushing for or is it that they we're so much far behind in sexual education that we are still in a in a space where talking about sex is very taboo like even saying the word sex is very very taboo within the African context which scares me because imagine whether you like it or not these kids are having sex and I've told you it's 9 year olds 8 year olds >> that's very unfortunate it is and they're having sex which they think is very consensual imagine when you talk to them on their level and you listen to them they'll tell them these kids are very very exposed exposed to these things and they're seeing them every day. And that's why one of my main goals is actually to make sexual conversations and sexual education an easy topic. I want it to be such a household thing that you can be able to talk like daddy 1 2 3 because when it becomes very normal uh kids especially they stop hiding and giggling and shying away from the conversation and then when something is happening they're able to have honest conversations especially with their caregiver and their parents >> and something I also try to very much discourage is the euphemisms around sexual conversations When we're talking about sex with kids, we say things like doo choo choo. No, use the real words. Like real words.

[00:10:11]Robert, it's not easy.

[00:10:12]>> Let me tell you because it's easier said than done. Imagine how that's your 10year-old daughter or 9year-old son will trust me. Trust me before bring up stories. Trust me, these kids have the information at their fingertips and they're going to research and they're going to ask questions because mim if a 10-year-old comes and asks me, I will give them information. I won't shy at, of course, age appropriate. I won't shy at you, oh, ask your mother, s what what what >> because it means they've seen something in me that they're able to come and be honest and have the conversation. So please, as you're reading these things online and you're seeing these laws being passed and you're uh seeing them as points of contention, understand that whether you like it or not, whether you're informed or not, whether you care, you don't, it offends you, the kids are growing, they're learning, they're very informed, and they know.

[00:11:11]You're better suited to place them in a space of being able to acquire information easily than to have to go to seek it from where how anything was just >> but let's keep having these conversations so that it's so normal and very easy.

[00:11:36]>> All right. I like what you've said and also I pick up something that Colin said find out what they know.

[00:11:42]>> Maybe the conversation can start from there. What do they know? Because a lot they know a lot.

[00:11:52]on this debate. Wait, this is a veryenty old representent of course thousands even 13 want to experiment actually they call it experiment at the end of the day and I think this ruling actually came because most of the time the boy child has always been on the wrong side of it cuz utapata if they got they get caught it's always the boy child who goes to juvenile or to jail at the end of the day the chick is never asked anything and I'm not saying it in a bad way don't get me wrong but ask yourself a question what if at a new day boy you understand it can happen at the end of the day cuz we are always blaming the boy child the boy child is seen as the perpetrator he's seen as the bad person is seen as the person that is luring them and I'm not talking about something that has happened between an 18year-old and a 15year-old no that's not what I'm talking about I'm talking between 15 15 16 13 you know 12 those are the people that I'm talking about because at say I'm a 18year-old and a 15 year old at consent and then we have to understand one thing was it like coerced was it forced were they what were they thinking when they were actually having it conver you see for them they were living together for them they're like we're not here to say that it's okay for you know like teenagers to start life at 15 I'm at 16 that's not what we are saying we're just saying you need to get the backstory of it at the end of the day if they get caught because it's already happening as it is it's already happening so once you find out that it's happening and they get caught you need to ask the questions you cannot just come and arrest the boy child not even listening to them you see that boy child the way he was talking he just said and the lady was also there the the girlfriend was also there, but she was not asked anything. No questions were asked. They just arrested the boy and he was taken to jail, you know. So, at the end of the day, let's be the people that are asking the questions. Let's have these conversations. As Bobby said, find out what your child knows. And I think um it's it comes with age. You how you package it. Of course, I'm not saying you talk to an 8-year-old about certain things, but you know your child better.

[00:14:17]I believe that you as a mother try to know what they know but it's a conversation that we should be having with our children. Let's not forget about that busy conversations behind because they're actually doing it now.

[00:14:43]You'd rather they come to you than you know they'd rather come to you. I want your child to come to you and actually ask the questions and nowadays you know what they do don't say anything to anyone tells me so it's really up to you as a parent to actually open up this discussion. Please don't let your child go there and have this discussion with anyone else.

[00:15:20]>> I like it when a child comes and says, "Yeah, now that means your body's struggling to really be comfortable that that adolescent, sex, and consent can be in the same sentence."

[00:15:38]>> Well, um >> miners, they not even 18. again. Is it okay that our young people are having sex as long as they there's consent? So >> I think this whole thing it's it's a huge what will I call it? It's a huge conundrum >> in a sense. Uh because you're looking at it from a legal perspective but again you're looking at it from a social perspective.

[00:16:04]>> You're also looking at it from a developmental psychological perspective.

[00:16:10]Um there's a reason why in school people go through various stages. There's what they can handle at any one stage psychologically. Uh sometimes talking about certain things may also be too much exposure and that might be too much information, too much knowledge. Um from a legal perspective, this ruling may make sense. However, my worry is the interpretation and the application of precedence because in the future, if you're telling me that a 16year-old can be consensual, >> what would stop somebody else in the future coming in to defend a 28, 34 year old who had a 16 year old and they use the same ruling and say if that was consent, >> this is >> with 16 this is consent because then you cannot begin to now define consent at a different age. That's what worries me how people may use that in the future. A predator can come in at 34 and find your 17year-old girl and somebody might come back and you know we know how lawyers know how to run about.

[00:17:19]>> So he might come back and use that and say >> in petition 94 of you know a lawyer will be in support.

[00:17:26]>> There's now a threshold. there's now a threshold that a 16y old can actually be consensual about it. So that's for me the the part that you know the the legal issue that comes with it. However, when we look at it from a social perspective, there's the aspect of biology >> that there are hormones that are coming up and showing up and there are certain needs and desires and experiments as I've been said that these kids are exploring. So the issue would be to punish biology. Yes, >> that's a very huge issue that you cannot punish something that somebody has no control over. They're just experiencing it. You have to guide it. So then now we come back to the question at what point should we begin having these conversations, you know, when we talk about it's happening. We nearly sound defeist if we've given up.

[00:18:19]>> But there's a reason we got >> it's happening. So what do we do?

[00:18:23]>> There's a reason we got there.

[00:18:25]>> Yeah. And these things have happened over time. It's not starting yesterday.

[00:18:30]It's not starting now. I always say that, you know, the social media age just gave us exposure to things that have happened. These things have happened um even when I was growing up.

[00:18:39]When we were in primary school, you'd find two people caught up in the rocks, >> some bush somewhere.

[00:18:45]>> However, it wasn't as prevalent >> right now. So, I think one of the issues we're dealing with is a lot of exposure.

[00:18:55]so much exposure and so when these kids are getting to a curious stage and age and they're exposed to this they already have a template you know we used to we used to have the TV switched off by about 11:59 there were certain shows that would come in after 10:00 right now at the touch of a baton everything is present >> secondly for me I think even parents have become very sexual even in their content >> just go to their social media platforms Nearly all their jokes, if they're not having banters around football, nearly all their jokes, subliminals, are sexual.

[00:19:32]>> So, how are you telling this kid that this is something that is wrong when they can see the parents are always around sexual banter? We've normalized that conversation in a sense. So, you come back and then you tell this child this is wrong. It's like me going home and you know, I set out all the drinks on the table. I'm drinking very openly where the kids are and then later on I say this is wrong.

[00:19:55]>> It's not good for you.

[00:19:57]>> How is that not good for them? And yet the parents are supposed to be the template of what morality is and what uprightness is. So I think that the reason we are nearly giving up is because we created the problem.

[00:20:12]>> We cannot eliminate it fully, but we can try to backtrack it a bit. There have got to be certain things that are corrective and some communities and societies suffin have tried to handle things differently. There's a way China controls what people will watch. You know, there's a way they they control that. So, you don't have 100% compliance, but there's intentionality.

[00:20:33]And in different places, you will see that cases become quite different.

[00:20:38]>> Um the southern parts of Africa, >> it's so different. These things begin very early. But you look at it, it's nearly like a societal norm. and culture, you know. Um, they used to have they used to have adult movies even on a Friday from 1000 p.m. across like a kid would just be turning on. Anybody would be turning on >> and you're talking about national television. They had to put up rules around that and regulations because access to these things when you have so much visibility, you normalize it. So we cannot now be sitting over there and wondering why are these kids doing what they doing >> from the home. Maybe we need to start asking ourselves and you know Collins talked about the house managers. But I tell you those are not even the biggest issue. I think the biggest issue is us the parents.

[00:21:31]>> There is what we demonstrate. There's what we display. There is what we say.

[00:21:35]>> All right.

[00:21:47]But then how how how come it's easier to talk about sex online or to sexualize everything around you know in the society but it's very hard for parents to do that have those conversations with their children. It's so easy to post and and chat and and you know when it comes to talking to your child about it >> difficult >> that I think I think our our upbringing and the societal expectation has also played a role. I was having an interview with um Bobby the other time and we were talking about how generational parenting has affected different generations. uh the the the baby boomers and the Gen X and millennials, they were brought up in such a way in in in a certain way where uh the word sex was a taboo and still is today. That's why um Safhin is struggling with this particular uh topic topic. It's so easy guys by the way disclaimer and she she keeps kids are involved.

[00:22:48]>> Yes, kids are involved. So she keeps choosing um the words and you know trying to make it look uh politically correct. It's because of her upbringing and the way uh things happened during that time. So number one is that uh even this ruling even the rules that we are talking about the laws some of them were made based on the societal uh expectations and everything and that is why the boy child is suffering and and and as a as a as um as a fighter of the boy child uh because right now uh the boy child is suffering both in school the boy child is suffering outside and and and the one for school is even uh traumatizing currently if you look at um any school in a class. If you take top 10 best students, you'll be lucky to get two boys today across board >> because the boy child has been pushed to the wall to a point where they have now decided to watch from a distance. Uh they have become defeist.

[00:23:50]>> Yes. They have accepted the the reality.

[00:23:53]So I I agree that u as much as we might aortion blame to uh the house managers the sole responsibility is with parents and parenting is intentional. We must be intentional about talking about these things and relationship keeps it keeps it going. We do not have relationship with our children. We don't have that's the problem. We we are just mothers and fathers but we've not reached a point where we are now becoming parents where we can have a conversation that is avoid of education. You're not asking about grades but you're talking about you're talking to your child about the social aspect. What is it that they are experiencing outside?

[00:24:31]>> How do you start? Because let's assume there's a parent watching you this morning like never your daughter is is expectant. How do you begin?

[00:24:47]>> The the first point the first point is you must know the friends to your child.

[00:24:51]>> You must know the people that your child hang around >> and you also need to inquire what they do together. And sometimes you need to be involved. Some of us um when your child is invited for a birthday or sleepover, you send your child with an Uber, they go for parties and then maybe the child is picked the following day.

[00:25:11]You don't even interrogate what happened when you were in that uh particular um celebration. So first of all, we have to get to know who are the friends my my my child. Who are the parents? What do the parents believe in? If I'm uh my child is hanging out with your with your daughter or your son, what are your beliefs? What do you believe in you as a parent and are they aligned with mine?

[00:25:36]Because my child will come there and pick certain things from your house. So it is important for us first of all to start this conversation from a very open uh space. For example, if you have a 13year-old, 14year-old, you should start talking about being having a girlfriend and boyfriend. Do you really have a boyfriend? Do they understand what that means?

[00:25:53]>> Some parents feel you'll be giving them ideas. Of course, they already have ideas. Like Miss Mr. City said, they already have ideas on social media. They already have ideas. We now give our children phones as presents because we are not present. So, we use the presents to compensate for that absence. So, you are 9year-old, you're turning 10. So, I'll buy you an iPhone. But we don't put regulation on how to use that iPhone.

[00:26:16]So, already they are exposed to this kind of content. So, let us not bury our head in the sand and assume that you know what, my child is still too young.

[00:26:25]The child already knows that you have that kind of mentality and therefore >> he or she is going to be doing these things but he knows and she knows very well that you are not going to start that conversation with them because you think they're young. So we have to be very intentional in starting these conversations with them.

[00:26:42]>> All right. This this next question is very difficult and I'll ask you to you bring it on. I hope you will not regret this decision. Anyway, you know, the the adult version of sex is very different from the the teenage version of what sex is all about. If you are to talk to that young person, the teenager, >> you know, choices have consequences.

[00:27:04]Talk to them about how you would talk to an 13year-old, 14y old, 15 about sex, trying to enlighten them about, you know, why they should wait. You know, >> it is bad.

[00:27:21]>> And when they go out there, they tell the the girls, if you have sex, you will get pregnant.

[00:27:30]Actually, it's not true. And they can actually justify why it's not true.

[00:27:38]If you to talk to a young person about about sex, what what how do you how do you do it?

[00:27:44]>> I love this question. And So, how do you do it?

[00:28:07]easy conversations. They don't pop up sporadically. Your child doesn't turn 13 and then you say, "Okay, that's not how it starts." These conversations. Collins talked about uh forging relationships with your kids.

[00:28:25]So, just think about having a friend.

[00:28:28]You know, there's some parents who say you're my child is not my friend to create those boundaries. But just think about your friend. how conversations pop up about anything. Most conversations are difficult to have even on a very platonic level. Even with your boyfriend or your wife, like let's talk about money. It depends. This person can get defensive. They can want to run away because these conversations if they're not normalized, if you didn't grow up having these talks or even being close to people or being the kind of person who's able to express themselves uh very clearly and openly, it becomes a problem. So these conversations don't just spat out sporadically at you. One day my child is 17. Hey come let's have this conversation. It's it starts from childhood and I can even dare to say it starts from in the womb. The way you talk to your child mothers you know the way you speak to your child, the way you are forming a relationship with them and then now they're here. The way you talk to them, the way you speak life into them, all these things matter even from age zero, from beyond zero, below zero.

[00:29:28]This kid is growing up, bonding to you, getting attached to you, creating a template for love and relationships from you. They're basically learning from you. So, the way you know how to communicate, the way you bring up information, the way you decide and you don't have to be an expert, by the way.

[00:29:46]Parents, they have to be here knowing everything and knowing how to do everything. We all learn from somewhere. You could have been a parent. My mom has been a parent for uh three decades now and she's learning things right now on the job.

[00:30:00]So, but what happens is first start by forming a relationship with your kid.

[00:30:06]Make sure this child is knowing that mommy is a safe space, daddy's a safe space. I can ask them questions. I can go places. Uh I can go to them and ask questions. Because when I was growing up, when I was around 13 years old, this is when I got the bright idea to start doing a lot of sex education. I started because there was nowhere to ask. There was no one I could ask. Mind you, the teachers were teaching it in school. My mom had been giving me my mom is a medic. So some things like you she'll talk about condoms, pregnancy, sex. She wasn't really afraid to have such conversations. But you can imagine at that age I still felt like the information I had was not sufficient.

[00:30:44]And where did I turn to my peers?

[00:30:53]and something that I feel would have helped me in that moment was being surrounded by a lot of people that one I did not fear because people who I did not fear enough for them even if they tell me okay this is how you wear a pad I'm able to ask okay you know you can ask follow-up questions some parents are very >> um let me say scared So even when they're giving the information, that's where it ends. This child is not allowed to ask questions or even to question the parent.

[00:31:27]>> It's like a directive.

[00:31:29]>> I'm telling you to do this.

[00:31:31]>> Even we were told in our >> if you if you sit next to a boy, you'll get pregnant and then you go to class, the teacher puts you in the middle of two boys.

[00:31:41]So now you're panicking. You have so much anxiety. You know, mom, I'm going to get pregnant today. I'm just 13 years old. a lot >> because we were feed a lot of fear but that's not going to work now. So it's going to teach you by default as a parent to want to research. Go and do your homework and teach yourself when you come to this child. As long as you're working on the personal relationship you have with them, every other conversation builds from that.

[00:32:08]You're not going to wonder how do I bring this conversation? Why? because your kid probably saw something and already asked you the conversation or you guys were watching something and it'll prompt the questions that they have for you. And I also love everything CJ said before I finish let me just mention CJ talked about you know being afraid about um consent and this ruling is coming out to actually bring that distinction because it was just an umbrella. There was never a distinction between um kids who are consenting and an adult who's coercing a child. There was no distinction. Uh but right now it's clear it's clear it's saying hey direction. So what I'd ask people you know I realized we're having this conversation without even talking about what the ruling was or what. So maybe there's people who don't know what we're even talking about. It was what I said that that the blanket um criminalization of sex among adolescents is what the the ruling addressed. It shouldn't like you shouldn't have that that blanket criminalization, but you should put everything in context. I'm trying to really simplify it for people.

[00:33:21]>> So now people Yeah. So now just go and read about it for yourself and think about uh how you feel Google Google copilot GP just Google and tell them summarize for you if you want that read it and understand it actually I feel my personal opinion it puts us at a better space to have conversations even if there's no necessarily any uh tangible situations that we can call as um examples just having the information and knowing this is something that could happen this is how we navigate it definitely puts us across way better >> yeah and I like that we are having this conversation and K1 One of one of the issues that the petition has raised was the fact that um like we should we punish biology like >> if you to talk to parents who don't understand these young people they only think this this young boy go to the other side that's There's also biology happening and a lot of developmental stages they are going through which the petitioners raise. I found that very important. People should should really know that these young people are but things are happening at the end of the day. That's when even especially for girls. Let me talk about girls because I'm a girl. That's when you start growing breast. That's when you you distinguish between a boob top you know you understand such kind of things personal hygiene and all these things. So all these things are taking place in your body and you're a child and you don't understand at least Shoule they used to teach us about some things but they used they still some some >> I don't know if they do right now but sex education back in our days do you know what sex education back in our days was the other side of STDs STI is that you know okay it worked for us well and good it worked for us because some of us some of us no for me it worked for me actually so you as the parent, you just need to talk to your child because if you don't, I will insist on this. If you don't, someone else will take advantage of that and talk to your child. Do you want your nanny to be the first person to talk to your child about sex education? Do you want the neighbor to be the first person? The other day we saw a case of a 15year-old to a we'll give you a phone, go and kidnap this. You understand? So, do you want your child to be exposed to such things by their peers? a 13-year-old Moya exposed. Actually, the other day, my friend was showing me conversations of a 13-year-old. There was a child who was expelled in school.

[00:36:46]They showed me those conversations, Saf.

[00:36:48]I could not believe it. I I was like, "No, no, no, no, no." Like, "Are you sure this is the age of this child?" And they were like, "Yes, and she's 16."

[00:37:01]The first time I actually saw them in a movie. So I think it's important as a parent and I insist please talk to your child whether we like it or not easy change what they used to use for us in high school you know what used to happen but you see now if you do that then again you're not addressing the issue changes those feelings are coming biology you start feeling have your conversation but afterwards but I'm just saying like you as a teenager information.

[00:38:19]As a parent, please do not be afraid to talk to your kids about these things, but do not overexpose them again to certain things.

[00:38:38]very important too full-blown you can expose them to things but then um you're raising gentlemen tell us what >> I have girls >> yeah and girls as well yeah tell us what you're learning about this generation you know and and and and and and the things that you have you yourself you've had to teach yourself as a parent so that you can be able to to keep up cuz >> uh okay well I don't know how much to say on >> I don't know where to send the >> be honest we need to help all the kids >> as I said I don't think there's anything really new >> because the human being is still the human being. It's just that now there's nearly too much permission for people to do certain things and express them quite early. U which then makes people begin to try things a bit earlier in life and bolder.

[00:39:51]>> Interesting how it's easy to know that your spouse is relating with somebody else, is engaging elsewhere, but you don't know that your child is engaging in something else. It just shows >> we're not paying attention priority when they're just not paying attention. If you can see the changes in an adult and know they must be involved in something whether with a person or new behavior or new hobby or something. If you pay attention to your kids, you will realize something has changed. Because the same way uh a new thing will have an impact on an adult, you would expect that with a kid. If they start hanging out with the wrong crowd, you'll see it. If they fall in love with somebody or they think they've fallen in love or they infatuated, you will see it. You will start seeing how they behave, how they change, how they dress up, their awareness. And that's a good place to ask, hey, what's going on? You know, there always those things, you know, we're talking a lot about how do we start? I think even this ruling is a good place to start >> where you ask the kids. So, what do you think about this? Does this happen?

[00:40:55]because a lot of us were not trained to handle those conversations. We never had the conversations. We were not permitted to have the conversations. Um why I said I don't know how much to say on national TV. I remember when we were in primary school, people would be paraded and say these ones have girlfriends and boyfriends and the shaming and the punishment and the beating uh just because there is a word used girlfriend or boyfriend. They thought that these kids are trying to relate and they'd be people would be kept out of class like for nearly a whole week or 3 days. You come in, you go and do some punishment.

[00:41:33]Why? Because you have started developing a liking for somebody else. So that was supposed to serve as an example to the entire school that you should never even think >> maybe not think of having a girlfriend or boyfriend >> having a boyfriend or a girlfriend. Yet those were opportunities for navigation.

[00:41:52]>> Mhm.

[00:41:52]>> Those opportunities to help people. It's it's like uh when a plane is going through turbulence, what do you do? Do you punish the the pilot or is that the moment when they need to have every every instrument that is guiding them through that storm? So I think that we have done a disservice to our children and a disservice was done to us as well because the people who were entrusted with our lives did not have the capacity and were not intentional about navigating us through that.

[00:42:28]>> We our parents ourselves we went through these things.

[00:42:32]>> We did these things you know whether you did it in high school, primary school whichever stage uh we did this. So it's a good place to connect. The best way to connect is always to come from a point of weakness and say look when I was your age this happened to me.

[00:42:48]>> Mhm.

[00:42:48]>> Not when I was your age I was focused on I was thinking about girls you are lying.

[00:42:56]>> Come on get out of here. when when when you say this happened to me. I was in this space >> and this is how this affected me and I'm worried that if you do this you may not attain your dreams and your goals. This is how I had to navigate. That's what establishes trust.

[00:43:15]>> Yeah.

[00:43:15]>> Trust is not established from a point of remote control.

[00:43:19]>> It is when you make the connection when the person can see themselves in you.

[00:43:23]That's why Bobby will say she was looking elsewhere. why she could not see herself in the teachers or the parents what they were doing thought they were doing what was good and right but she could not relate she couldn't see herself she's not seeing her struggles she's not seeing her questions she's not seeing her fears because we all come in like we're very complete so I think it is important for us to begin coming down to those levels and say look when I was 14 >> I found myself in a situation >> and yeah I know my parent beat me out of it but I understand how you feel because I also nearly ran away with somebody.

[00:44:02]>> So this makes it easier >> for the child to even ask you questions.

[00:44:07]The other thing I want to say is we are now doing as couples and probably individual parents what used to be done with the community by a whole community >> that you would have several mothers together sitting down and they sit all of you and talk about experiences. So now today it is safin as a mother alone >> alone yeah >> having to do this that's also a weight we may need to reestablish some of these social systems we may need to do that that we become very intentional with people around us several fathers coming in and sitting down with our boys and having conversations if it's difficult for me to have it alone then I call Adam and and let's bring our boys together let's let's have conversations I don't think we should throw away everything that made us because we're in a modern society cuz we are still going back into those gaps. So I think that would for me mitigate a bit.

[00:45:03]>> Yeah. Yeah. And just also to add on to what you've said. Very important what you've said. Also fathers, not just fathers talking.

[00:45:11]>> If you're a father, take your daughter to for a date.

[00:45:14]>> Mhm.

[00:45:14]>> Yeah. Please try. Just when she's at a good age, take her for a date and have have a conversation with her. Let her see >> let her see that other side of you as a father because you'd be shocked how many girls end up coming out here and they are taken advantage of because they've never really known what what what love feels like what what what uh masculinity looks like you know expose your child to to the positive masculinity that you want them to to really believe and it starts from poly poly cascaded poly poly progressive what Roberta was saying let's talk about something else. Um, unfortunately I'm really pressed for time, but many parents wait until they are 18 or 19.

[00:46:00]But if you look at reports and research and studies that have been done, the sexual debut is actually lower than that begin between 10 to 17 years before even the child is 18. So many people who are walking around the very first experience is below the age of 18 >> and we hear that that the first experience usually informs a lot of what will even happen in the in the in the in the years.

[00:46:29]>> Talk to parents who are waiting.

[00:46:34]I think this is about biology and science and it has been mentioned. Um we are talking about u children at 13 and this this framework of 13 was actually framed based on what used to happen then.

[00:46:49]Whatever children used to go through at 13 now has come down to 9 and 10. And this is uh because of the societal um issues diet is also playing a role in it. uh because the the hormones and the body changes is also informed about the environmental um factors and diet as well. So uh and and and and I think schools have already uh in the curriculum this has already been captured in that the the sex education or even the the the topics that touches on uh body changes and everything in science has been brought down to lower classes. So as you wait as a parent at home not to have those conversations at school the 10year-old we are already telling them about the body changes in girls and in boys and we taking talking about their body and and what happens so it is important for us also to sync >> and I will agree with Mr. CJ that there are certain things that we used to do when the the girls were isolated and talked to by you know uh female teachers and the boys did the same and even back in the society we had aunties that would talk to the girls we had uh fathers that you would you know those those those small small groups so we need to go back to that uh that point as a parent you are not supposed to wait like I said uh teaching or learning is always from known to unknown so find out what your child knows Because it is a good point to start for for those >> some know a lot.

[00:48:14]>> Yes, some know a lot. The fact that you know that your child knows a lot that is the point of conversation. So we are not going to start conversation whether do you know what a girlfriend is. If my son already knows who a girlfriend is then I will raise the conversation to what do you do with that girlfriend? Yes. So you raise so first of all once we get to know and the same thing we do in schools we first of all do that kind of I call it diagnostic kind of conversation and then you get to know that we now need to separate these boys maybe into some subgroups because we have this group that already knows this this group already knows this you can't put all of them and tell them you know this is what is happening so I agree as parents we are not supposed to wait for anything get to know what your child knows now as a matter of fact after this show get to know what your child knows and start the conversation and let us also as as parents start having these uh conversations and these gatherings where we can help our daughters we can help our sons to to to understand these things and it becomes more of a friendship kind of so I'm not judging you I'm just taking you through this and being vulnerable is also very important tell your child that you failed at some point >> I failed I messed up here and this impacted me this way and therefore I would I don't I would not want you to mess up the way friends.

[00:49:31]>> No, it's number one.

[00:49:33]>> I I had many girlfriends. My son, I really suffered.

[00:49:36]>> No, I've been asked by my son, how did you meet mom?

[00:49:40]>> And before mom, how many did you meet?

[00:49:41]So, we had to had those. We had to have those conversations. So, it is important sometimes be vulnerable to help your child.

[00:49:48]>> All right. Be real. Um, what?

[00:49:57]Ask your parents today. If you're watching me right now, journey, they'll come back with answers.

[00:50:12]I think this pushes us to >> Something I'm very proud of about my parents, my parents, cuz they've really impacted the kind of woman I am right now. Something I'm very proud of them about is that these conversations were kind of normal growing up. Like, but I could throw around questions and nobody judged me or made me feel stupid for asking these questions. And I could see sometimes it will stress my mom, but she'll go and and somebody will come and talk to me later. So please ask your mother that question. Ask your your aunties, ask your friends, find someone close to you. And if you're too too scared, please message me. I know you guys have Instagram and Tik Tok. Message me online. N Roberta Bobby, message me.

[00:50:54]I'll find a way to make sure you get appropriate information.

[00:50:58]>> All right, cutie. 30 seconds. Earn your child's trust. be the first person that they come to.

[00:51:07]It's not a bad thing, but be the first person before they go to that other person. Otherwise, there's no manual or menu needed to do these things. Just do what you have to do.

[00:51:20]>> All right, CJ.

[00:51:22]>> I think the more your children grow, the more intentional you need to be. Uh there's a very crucial stage, that teenage stage is very, very crucial.

[00:51:31]Your presence is very crucial. But I know again the balance for most parents is that that's when you al also need financial stability. They're either going to high school or preparing to go to college. So most parents usually feel that's the time they need to make money or that's when their careers are beginning to open up. So please build build communities. Don't stress by yourself. Build communities. You can't do everything. You can't be everything.

[00:51:56]You can be the best and the most that you can but also pull in a community. We need to break away from this thing of individualism where everybody just takes care of their own. We are all going through the same things raising our children. So why not come together and raise them together and make them have a better future.

[00:52:13]>> That's true. Me what I would say make it secual health not sex. If you want to talk to your child, talk to them about their overall, you know, the the general topic. There's sex they act. That's what scares many parents and that's what they think they are supposed to talk about.

[00:52:30]Talk to them about the wellness part.

[00:52:33]Are they physically are they physically ready for it? Are they financially ready for it? Sex comes with consequences. Are they, you know, mentally ready for it?

[00:52:42]Talk to them about their mental wellness through that experience. Talk to them about the overall consequences that come with sex. Do you know that there are so many young brides who die? Because when a child gets pregnant when they are young, their body is not very ready to carry the pregnancy. You may die. Tell your child such things. It's not a bad thing. Sex is not a bad thing. But did you know that if you do it, this and this and that is is is what is going to happen. So if you make that topic like that, they will now have a choice.

[00:53:12]They'll be given the positive and the negatives and they can be able to weigh the options. I hope we'll have another session that we will really now go deeper into uh you know what the pros and cons are if we are allowed to have that here. But my name is Safina Ching.

[00:53:25]Thank you so much for creating time for us today. It's a wrap. Keep watching Citizen TV and have a lovely day ahead.