The Priest Rave Is Real | Dave Landau & Austin Anderson

[00:00:00]Dave and Austin are concerned, but they're still going to laugh while the whole thing burns.

[00:00:09]>> Hello, concerned citizens.

[00:00:12]This is the Dave and Austin show. Dave Landau, are you ready to laugh?

[00:00:18]>> Yes, I am. Austin Anderson, are you ready to laugh?

[00:00:23]>> Never been more ready. Before we get started on today's agenda though, it is uh our beloved Dave Landau's birthday.

[00:00:32]So, >> thank you.

[00:00:34]>> Wanted to start this uh off right. Wish you a happy birthday.

[00:00:38]>> Happy happy birthday, baby. Happy birthday to you. Happy happy birthday, baby. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU. IT'S your birthday.

[00:00:52]>> Oh, my aunt sent me this, too. for you.

[00:00:55]>> Did she really?

[00:00:58]>> It is your aunt.

[00:01:09]>> All right, that's it. I I never even I hadn't listened to that yet either.

[00:01:13]>> Was that RuPaul >> probably? Or just another black guy that wants to be it?

[00:01:18]>> Yeah. Well, yeah, that's true. It's tough to say because I know RuPaul I I don't know if uh he has breasts. I know he goes by he >> Yeah, he's he's kind of uh patient zero.

[00:01:30]>> Yeah, he is. He But he he's acceptable to me. He doesn't really He never really forced that on anybody but himself.

[00:01:38]>> But I feel like someone probably fed him after midnight and then a bunch of all these trans people popped off his back and hatched in an attic.

[00:01:48]Yeah, that's true. Each one is just worse and the one has the gun.

[00:01:56]>> We're just like the gremlin with the tits.

[00:01:58]>> Yeah.

[00:02:00]>> Yeah. From part two.

[00:02:01]>> Yeah, dude. I mean, we have we have an exciting show for you today. I mean, we're going to cross over um you know, oceans, uh explore different continents, and um do what we always do. Right now we are going to go to a grocery store somewhere in America.

[00:02:18]>> Oh, just like anyone.

[00:02:20]>> Yeah. Doesn't matter the flavor.

[00:02:22]>> Sugar-free. Get me one.

[00:02:23]>> Okay. Hold on.

[00:02:26]I'll just >> get me whatever.

[00:02:31]>> What?

[00:02:43]The grocery store isn't even >> Look, did you see the guy?

[00:02:47]>> See the guy walk by and check her out.

[00:02:51]He did the check out.

[00:02:58]Yeah. Go back real quick.

[00:03:01]He probably thought it was a woman and is like, "Oh, oh no. Oh, my thoughts are back.

[00:03:14]You just see one guy throw up in his hand.

[00:03:17]>> Yes.

[00:03:20]>> Okay. There you go, honey.

[00:03:22]>> Okay. Thank you, [ __ ] >> Yeah. Love you.

[00:03:24]>> Love you, too.

[00:03:27]>> I'm just going to say, you want to be a woman, right? What woman wears that?

[00:03:32]>> Ones that come back from the dead in a horror movie.

[00:03:35]>> Yeah.

[00:03:36]>> There's no one >> crawl out of a grave.

[00:03:39]There's no human being who dresses like this to go to the grocery store.

[00:03:44]>> I want you to >> unless you completely don't understand what you're doing like like when he put on that lipstick.

[00:03:53]>> Yes, he's he doesn't understand that it's supposed to go on his lips and not his entire face.

[00:04:00]>> Speaking of the female gremlin, it's now grocery shopping for a woman who's driving around. Is it is she in a mobile cart or just bossing it around?

[00:04:10]>> She's pro. I mean, she probably is like 300 plus.

[00:04:15]>> What is the blue ribbon for?

[00:04:20]>> AIDS awareness.

[00:04:21]>> Yeah. Most disappointing son. It's an award.

[00:04:25]It's an award his dad gave him before he left.

[00:04:29]>> You can't even go get food for your family anymore without some psycho acting out his fetish, >> dude. in the in the soda aisle.

[00:04:37]>> Yeah. You're like, "Hey, son. I'm going to let you choose anything you want today. Sprite. No caffeine. I don't want you to turn into Oh, god.

[00:04:46]>> Oh, it's happened.

[00:04:47]>> Yeah. Well, you could I just You can have diet coke. I don't care. Whatever you want.

[00:04:53]>> If you promise not to be that, I'll give I'll buy you beer.

[00:04:59]You and your friend should come over, drink beer, and look at girls.

[00:05:06]He does. He needs to go to a a communist re-education camp of just Baywatch.

[00:05:14]>> Yeah, just just a slow motion Baywatch intro. Just this isn't a woman. This is just You're right. It's a corpse. It's just it's it's something you would find in the woods in West Virginia >> under three branches.

[00:05:32]>> Someone doesn't even take the time to cover it up.

[00:05:35]>> Yeah. Only this a mannequin that somebody stole in 1954.

[00:05:41]The two things that look like this.

[00:05:44]>> I think that uh he's got like the white stuff on his nose that you wear when it doesn't want to be sunburnt.

[00:05:51]>> Oh. uh like he's uh going to be a lifeguard. Even though that's ironic cuz there's about a 90% chance he's going to kill himself.

[00:06:03]>> He jumps in to save a kid. The kid just holds him underwater just on purpose.

[00:06:07]He's like, "I'm drowning." The kid's like, "I know.

[00:06:09]>> I know. I know. We We planned this."

[00:06:13]>> Yeah. This is >> You're ruining the public pool for everyone.

[00:06:19]>> Me and all my friends, they're just looking over. They're like, "Push him down further."

[00:06:23]>> Like, look at that.

[00:06:24]>> That one does a cannonball on him.

[00:06:26]>> Look at the Look at the gloves.

[00:06:30]>> Yeah, dude. I saw that.

[00:06:31]>> That's for nothing. They're gloves that wouldn't fit him just hanging off of a dress that's meant for a toddler. If this was my friend and I happened to be walking through Kroger and I looked over and I was like, "Dan, what the [ __ ] What's going on, man?" Like, >> it's [ __ ] Dave, >> you got to call me [ __ ] here. I We're gonna get you some help you need, buddy.

[00:06:54]Let me just get you away from this woman who's ruined your life. Why would you wear high heels? It's got to be the most uncomfortable.

[00:07:02]>> And not only that, they're literally at a 90° angle.

[00:07:05]>> Yeah, you couldn't be more uncomfortable. And you're jamming your man foot in them walking around the soda aisle while someone yells at you like you're nothing.

[00:07:18]just completely in public.

[00:07:21]It's >> the most public place you can be pretty much.

[00:07:24]>> The grocery store.

[00:07:26]>> Yeah.

[00:07:27]>> Uh I don't want to see anymore.

[00:07:30]>> I just I can't I just don't get it. I I've I've let I pretend I uh I can't I I do care. I don't want I don't want to say it's a problem.

[00:07:44]This is serious. It needs to stop. No one. Like, why are you dressed like that? That's all I want to know. You can't pretend it's not a mental illness cuz if you were a woman dressed like that, you would be mentally ill. That's my point.

[00:08:00]>> Look, he's like Jim Carrey and Ace Ventura when he goes to the mental institute. He's wearing the exact outfit.

[00:08:07]>> Yes.

[00:08:07]>> Put me in, coach.

[00:08:10]There's just there's nothing about this that's remotely sane. And for some reason, we've chosen as a society to just pretend that everything that is bad [ __ ] crazy should be totally acceptable.

[00:08:26]>> And if you don't accept it, you are a bigot.

[00:08:30]>> Yeah. I I don't even What can you take from me now at this point? You've ruined everything. your virginity of your butthole. I guess >> the last thing left.

[00:08:40]>> But like you final frontier, >> you've ruined everything.

[00:08:44]>> You can't you've ruined the entertainment business. You've ruined women.

[00:08:51]You've ruined men >> sports.

[00:08:53]>> Yeah. You've ruined sports.

[00:08:55]You can't you everything is destroyed in our our current uh day and age. I have what what are you going to do at this point?

[00:09:06]>> Now, there is someone that needs to stop going to the grocery store and uh that is this woman right here.

[00:09:14]>> I'm going to be really honest. There's a lot of really fat phobic people out there, even in the queer community. I was a go-go dancer at a pride party and the amount of money that I made versus the amount of money that the thin people made was not the same. Sometimes I don't even feel comfortable like putting the money in my underwear. But people are like really awkward with like should I touch you? Should I? And I see them fully touching other people. So those are little reminders that people still have a lot of work to do around their fat phobia.

[00:09:45]>> Well, maybe they don't want to put their hand near you cuz your vagina looks like the Venus fly trap from Little Shop of Horrors.

[00:09:55]Feed me.

[00:09:58]That's if they can even see it, >> right? Where, babe? Where are they going to put the money? They don't want to get their hands stuck in there. Plus, can you imagine putting money in there?

[00:10:09]You'd immediately have to find the bathroom to rent some of your >> Can you pull up your enormous stomach so I can put a dollar bill in your underwear?

[00:10:17]>> Yeah, if you don't mind.

[00:10:20]I'm sorry. Are you trying to say that professional dancers made more money than you? Well, that's a shock. doing what? What? What were they doing? Oh, dancing.

[00:10:31]>> They're not gonna They're not gonna put money in your underwear for eating, >> right? What?

[00:10:37]Leave some odors, dude. She's got a full She's got more hair on her chin than I do right now.

[00:10:45]>> Oh, yeah. Well, and it's because your hormones are going in 400 different directions because you eat everything that's in front of you.

[00:10:54]Your body doesn't know what to do with you.

[00:10:58]It's It's turned your vagina into three stomachs.

[00:11:04]There's three levels, >> which is fine. Which is is fine, but don't blame other people for not wanting to go near it. You have to pick something you shouldn't do and then you're mad at people for not respecting it.

[00:11:18]>> Yeah. Exactly. Like no one wants the reason why people give like you know the fashion runway models that are now obese [ __ ] is because that's not what it's about, >> right? It's cuz other people tried for it. It's the same as you would say, Dave, uh when you were being a race car driver, you killed six people in that race being so negligent. And I would say, well, it's because I'm not a race car driver.

[00:11:43]>> I wouldn't say it's because I'm short.

[00:11:45]And I'm very and I'm very offended that you brought up those people's deaths.

[00:11:52]>> You wouldn't say this to an actual race car driver.

[00:11:55]>> No, I wouldn't try to fly a plane and then get mad at all the passengers when I crashed into the terminal because I have no idea what I'm doing and I don't belong there. I have no skill set for it. That job belongs to other people who are good at doing it. You just decided to ruin a party and wanted to be tipped for it.

[00:12:16]>> Probably like, "Are you dancing or do you have gas?"

[00:12:20]>> They didn't even know you were a dancer.

[00:12:23]>> They're probably like, "Uh, she's taking off her clothes. I think she might be hot.

[00:12:29]Is there a way to get more air conditioning in here?"

[00:12:31]>> They call an ambulance a medic. She's having a diabetic episode. She's heating up.

[00:12:37]>> She's taking her clothes off and we need them back on.

[00:12:39]>> Yeah. She's crawled up on the stage to let people know that she's having a heat stroke.

[00:12:45]Oh, I'm sorry. You hired her? Why were there no other dancers?

[00:12:51]>> Wait, to dance?

[00:12:53]>> Look at her Meg Griffin hat just sitting on the ground.

[00:12:59]All her different layers. That is too much uh false fur to be wearing.

[00:13:05]>> It really is. the the bra, the the fur jacket, the pants that uh I believe belong belonged to Fatty Arbuckle in his last silent picture.

[00:13:18]>> Maybe if you didn't dress up like a Hostess snowcake >> like where did you get >> an Easter snowcake?

[00:13:28]>> Like where do you even get these pants?

[00:13:32]I mean they have to be from Sherwin Williams. It's like, where else do you get them?

[00:13:37]>> Dude, I find this very threatening because most women that size, it's the opposite. There's no pants and it's a giant mumu, >> right?

[00:13:46]>> She's doing the opposite to spite us, I think.

[00:13:49]>> Well, she is. She's stuffing herself in them to the point that the the fly is somehow still intact, but there's actually a another fly developing underneath the fly.

[00:14:04]It's the biggest zipper I've ever seen in my life.

[00:14:06]>> Like the pants have stretch marks all over them.

[00:14:12]>> Just bursting at the seams >> cuz there she's trying to hold it in.

[00:14:17]And her she looks at herself and goes, "I don't understand why I didn't make as much money as the dancer who was pretty >> who goes to the gym because she's going to be getting naked." Uh, that's like her going, "H, I went to a party and they were all eating off the models, but no one wanted to eat off me."

[00:14:34]>> Right. Well, it's like cuz you were laying there eating off yourself.

[00:14:39]We had to tell you six times to stop eating the sushi.

[00:14:46]>> This is for the guest, ma'am. This is for the guest.

[00:14:50]>> For the 16th time, >> she's like, "All right, I'll stop." And then just tries to >> Yeah.

[00:14:55]>> sneak a lick off. JUST STOP THAT.

[00:15:01]SHE'S LAYING THERE. Someone's hand comes in to grab something. You just see her like she's trying to like flip it towards her mouth.

[00:15:18]Just slap slaps her own stomach and just shoots up. She's just flinging shrimp into her own mouth, using her stomach as a trampoline.

[00:15:27]like the like that blob uh that blob water toy that you would jump on in heavyweights.

[00:15:36]That's >> where she learned it from watching that movie over and over again.

[00:15:40]>> That's where she learned about physics.

[00:15:42]>> Yeah. Was just watching the movie about fat camp. I I feel that you just have to try really hard at this point to get there. And I see so many videos of people that are very heavy who work very hard to lose weight. I guess there's this other side of it where you just want to convince the world you're beautiful and it's so crazy that you >> Well, yeah. You for you you force it upon people. You're like, "You will love my body."

[00:16:08]>> No. And everyone's like, "We don't want to.

[00:16:12]>> We don't even want you at the party.

[00:16:14]>> We're here because the host wants to pretend that everybody's equal." And then uh the results prove that uh there is an equal playing field, but you're not going to win it.

[00:16:27]>> You're not We'll have you here, but people will vote with their dollars.

[00:16:31]>> Yeah.

[00:16:32]>> And they have because you have won.

[00:16:34]>> Dude, I have a cousin who's blondhaired, blue-eyed, 62, and jacked to [ __ ] that was a Marine. Have them walk into a building with me of all women and see which one they talk to first.

[00:16:48]It's just >> it's just something that you have to accept.

[00:16:51]>> Just deal with it.

[00:16:53]>> Yeah. This is your lot and lot.

[00:16:55]>> I don't I don't go and ruin a stool so I can do an interview about how how unfair it is.

[00:17:03]>> That's actually that's not it's just uh reinforced steel that looks like wood.

[00:17:08]>> Yeah, that's true. It's actually the fifth stool they've used in this take.

[00:17:12]>> And they're like, "All right, just pretend you're sitting on it." Yeah, >> this is our last stool.

[00:17:16]>> It's the steel reinforced stools. They they order a special for for uh deaf comedy jam so people can hump it and bang it all over the stage.

[00:17:30]It's a special It's a special bet comic view all metal stool hump stool.

[00:17:40]All right. They're like, "10 comics need to hump this. How strong is this deal?

[00:17:45]It's got to last all 10 comics."

[00:17:47]>> Listen, I own a club in an urban area and I'm going to need something that can be humped and then you can put a sweat rag on. I like I got some for you.

[00:18:00]We we test them out with we test them out with uh fat women that wear old muppets and [ __ ] about how they don't make as much money as pretty girls.

[00:18:14]>> She is a character that would be on Sesame Street. They would have it. The all-inclusive, you know.

[00:18:19]>> Oh, the new all-inclusive Sesame Street.

[00:18:21]>> Yeah. Yeah. She just her house is the dumpster behind the trash can. She's She's also a cookie monster.

[00:18:32]>> Cookie monsters passed. Every time they yell cut, he's like, "She ate all my cookies again." She can't work under these conditions.

[00:18:45]>> Has anybody seen Snuffleopus just wrapped around her tits?

[00:18:53]>> No, he's the cookie monster. You just eat garbage. Yeah, you're Yeah, all you need to do is eat out of Oscar's house, like you always have, which is why you've developed you've you've developed a FOA that is just unheard of.

[00:19:14]>> That's still >> Look at that thing. They're going to dedicate or you know donate that FOA to science which >> you can see the underwear line underneath the black underwear line. It's either that or I was or something else but there's something underneath.

[00:19:30]>> I think that's mold.

[00:19:40]>> I mean I have a diet plan for this woman. Is it putting dollar bills in one of her neck folds?

[00:19:47]>> That's where she keeps her phone, >> slides it in, she talks never her neck back wallet.

[00:19:58]>> If she traveled over to India and um you know had to eat the food over there, she would probably end up losing weight real fast.

[00:20:09]Oh.

[00:20:14]>> Oh no.

[00:20:23]Oh no.

[00:20:25]What is What is this called? What do What is this called with the nail where you prep meat like this?

[00:20:34]>> I couldn't tell.

[00:20:39]I'm sure someone in the comments will say it's a Wes Anderson movie.

[00:20:43]>> Boy, what's good about the nail is the the yellow fungus that has appeared on it really adds a flavor to the chicken.

[00:20:51]>> That's what That's the brine. That's the brine that it is, dude.

[00:21:00]But if the woman before this, you know, if she went, you know, like 4 hours without eating, she would probably eat that raw. So, I don't know if going to India would help.

[00:21:09]>> I I would assume there's not all that much great meat going around that you would assume ruining it with your foot would be a really bad idea.

[00:21:19]>> She's an influencer.

[00:21:21]>> Oh, of course she cuz she gives you influenza every time you eat anything that she makes. Just look at that claw, dude.

[00:21:30]>> Dude, it's a talon. She probably killed whatever that is with her foot.

[00:21:36]>> She probably did.

[00:21:43]>> But I don't I don't know. Not only do I not respect our cultural differences, I want nothing to do with them.

[00:21:52]You know, I've never cared much for uh their food, but now I'm just never going to ever try it again.

[00:21:59]>> Yeah. They're like, "Come over to this restaurant. You sit on the floor and eat with your hands."

[00:22:03]>> Oh, that's cool. And you've touched it.

[00:22:07]How has this been prepared in your kitchen with a fungal talon that belongs to your dirt covered wife?

[00:22:22]Ah, what's the seasoning? My foot. Oh, I was just wondering because it's the worst thing I've ever eaten.

[00:22:27]>> This is going to be barbecued over a flaming cow turd.

[00:22:31]>> I can't even.

[00:22:32]>> I imagine that if you're not from the area, you would just die while eating the meal.

[00:22:39]There's no way the toxins could survive in your body. The tapeworms would immediately start coming out all orifases.

[00:22:48]>> Just immediately just consumed.

[00:22:51]>> Yeah. Like if you can't have a sip of water in Kazumel, imagine taking a straw and having some of that.

[00:23:02]>> But Dave, you need to respect their culture.

[00:23:05]>> Yeah. No, I really respect it. How gross how gross and uncivil it is. Do they not have TVs so they can see how pe how others cook? Like there's no American cooking show that uses a fungus claw >> to prepare.

[00:23:23]>> This is JD Vance's wife's favorite meal.

[00:23:28]>> She's like, "Honey, >> oh, you're having over Oh, you're having over important members of uh politics and uh of Congress. I'm going to make my foot stew.

[00:23:44]>> My grandma used to make this. My great grandma.

[00:23:47]>> Yes. And her grandma before that, you know, the ones that used to eat elephant [ __ ] and birth poops, carry them as children.

[00:24:01]>> Dude, it's like it didn't have enough salmonella.

[00:24:04]>> No, she's like, you know, >> you got to put more on it.

[00:24:06]>> Is there a way we can have more diarrhea when we eat? because we just don't have enough in this country.

[00:24:12]>> It's really hard when they're [ __ ] into the river in front of their house.

[00:24:16]They want it to be as easy as possible.

[00:24:18]>> Guys, the river is turning blue. Is there a way we can make sure it stays brown? Could your disgusting wife cook with her eoli foot, dude? It's like This is like how a witch makes a spell.

[00:24:39]This is not how you cook food.

[00:24:43]>> This is like a bro that braovich lady spirit cooking >> she's cooking for Jay-Z.

[00:24:53]>> Yeah, just I I can't see. I don't want to look at it.

[00:25:00]>> Oh, it's stupid.

[00:25:01]>> I don't want to look at all these poor hamsters.

[00:25:04]>> That's what they are. It's got to be I feel like it's not anything you'd want to eat to begin with, let alone after it's been seasoned.

[00:25:16]>> Oo. It's got to get that jam on there.

[00:25:18]>> Yeah. Is this why every time I'm in one of their houses, it smells like shitty feet? It's the same odor every time.

[00:25:26]>> Wait a second. That smell isn't curry.

[00:25:34]It's rotten feet.

[00:25:37]>> I always thought you had the same meal.

[00:25:40]This makes sense. You could never get this out of the walls. Would you like to stay for dinner? No, I wouldn't.

[00:25:47]>> There is a surgery that the woman before this could get if this diet wouldn't work out for her.

[00:25:53]>> Relax and relax.

[00:25:56]>> Yeah.

[00:25:57]>> And relax.

[00:25:58]>> Are you sure he had surgery? It looks so natural. But if you if you don't have enough discipline to get this in the first place, like you are now just have like foreign objects in your body that no one was ever going to see and you gain all your weight back.

[00:26:14]>> Correct. You have you have 10 pieces of washcloth in your stomach and you also have hilarious tits. That's what I'm saying. Okay. You went to all this trouble. You didn't say, "Hey, can you make my nipples smaller?"

[00:26:29]>> Yeah. and less terrifying.

[00:26:31]>> Yeah, they don't fit the chest.

[00:26:34]>> No, dude. Like, >> since >> you really want to look good and have a good body? Yes, that's right. And you're willing to do nothing to achieve that.

[00:26:47]That's correct.

[00:26:51]>> How much money do you have? I have about $400.

[00:26:57]What can you do for me?

[00:26:59]What can you do for me for the price of a a of a transmission fluid change?

[00:27:09]It's the epitome of lazy and anybody, let's say it heals. Everybody's just going to go like, "What? Were you in a fire?"

[00:27:21]It looks like his soul's stomach was grafted.

[00:27:25]Like godamn what is in your body?

[00:27:29]>> Yeah. Like what?

[00:27:31]Can you like Okay, let's say he gets a girl home. Are you going to have to explain what those giant red scars on your genitals are? Like right on your pubic bone. No. No. I'm perfectly healthy.

[00:27:43]>> You know, while while he's in there, while you're under, do something about your weird old knees.

[00:27:49]>> Say, "Yeah, you have the knees of an old woman who's outside feeding ducks in the summertime.

[00:27:56]And all and you want to look like Schwarzenegger in Commando >> from the waist up.

[00:28:01]>> Yeah. But you have the nipples of a mother who's been breastfeeding for a year and a half too long.

[00:28:12]And why the hell didn't the doctor make the one on the right the same size as the other one?

[00:28:17]>> Right.

[00:28:19]He's like, "Look, I uh here's the thing I can do with your chest. I can make the one on the left look pretty good and muscular and the one on the right is going to just look like a tit. Is that cool?

[00:28:37]Also, if you gain any if you gain or lose any weight at all, these abs are going to look ridiculous. So, I need you to have the discipline to stay the same size for the rest of your life. But, uh I I understand that you didn't have the discipline to do sit-ups every day for six months.

[00:28:55]and eat only eggs.

[00:28:58]Cuz no one actually has these bodies, by the way, you [ __ ] idiots. Thank you for these photos. They have to be dehydrated and then they spray water on them. Like, it's not a real thing.

[00:29:10]>> Have you ever heard Zack Efron talk about when he was filming Baywatch and basically he didn't eat anything for like a week before his shirtless scenes and then didn't drink water two days prior? So he his skin was just stuck to his muscles, >> right?

[00:29:25]>> Cuz people are like, "Why don't you maintain that physique?" He's like, "Cuz I want to live, >> right?" He's like, "It's impossible."

[00:29:31]It's like, even when Hugh Jackman plays Wolverine, he's like, "I only ate uh chicken breast for a year." And you go, "You don't look that good to make it worth it."

[00:29:46]And meanwhile, like it's not a possible thing. It's like Oh, dude. Yeah. You're not supposed to be able to race a match car boxes between your muscles.

[00:29:57]>> Yeah, dude. It just looks like one of those fake ab things that come on a Wolverine Wolverine costume at like a Halloween store, >> right?

[00:30:06]>> Which is foam.

[00:30:07]>> Which is probably what he used.

[00:30:10]>> It's just He's like, "Yeah, I have one of these Superman ab outfits. I have a Batman I have a Batman plastic costume in the back that I think would make great abs for you.

[00:30:21]>> So, >> I have some of the It's from the Clooney Batman. It still has the nipples on it.

[00:30:27]>> Yeah, >> it can rest right over yours naturally.

[00:30:32]Your your nice brown nipples.

[00:30:35]>> What we're going to do is we're going to cut you up by your dick and then we're going to shove this foam suit up inside you.

[00:30:41]>> Yeah.

[00:30:43]The best part is is when someone touches it, it'll feel nothing like muscle.

[00:30:49]>> They will be deeply concerned for your health.

[00:30:52]>> Yes. This whole thing will be a big gross illusion. It's really worth it.

[00:30:57]But what's important is you feel good about you. And clearly you don't, which is why you're here.

[00:31:06]By the way, I'm going to take a picture of you. Oh, is it for like uh your your wall to show people your how proud you are of your work? Yeah. Yeah, it's not at all because I'm going to post it all over the internet.

[00:31:17]>> So I can show people how weird your tits are.

[00:31:20]>> Look, look, I'm a doctor who clearly doesn't care about people.

[00:31:27]Do you think I care what happens with this photo?

[00:31:32]Do you know how many children have died in the amount of time that I've taken to just make this for you?

[00:31:39]>> People need to accept aging.

[00:31:42]>> Aging and the fact that the movies aren't real.

[00:31:45]>> Relax.

[00:31:46]>> Yeah, dude. They are on steroids and they're not consuming water.

[00:31:51]>> No one. Yes. You have never se I've been in a tons of locker rooms even in the last week just peeking in the windows but I've been in tons of locker rooms >> and outside them >> and outside them plenty of high schools.

[00:32:05]Oh dude everyone we've all been in gyms where people are in peak form in our in our lives. No one looks like this. No one.

[00:32:15]They don't exist.

[00:32:20]don't like this because the guy's wearing half of a ninja turtle shell.

[00:32:25]>> That's what it looks like.

[00:32:29]>> And now he's so excited to go to the pool until someone goes, "Dude, what's wrong with your nipples?" And then he's going to be wearing his shirt again.

[00:32:35]>> Yeah. So as soon as somebody tells him to please get out of the pool because he's still bleeding from the surgery he had 3 months ago.

[00:32:45]Excuse me, sir. Uh, I appreciate you wearing your uh, way too big g-string, but uh, your pubic stitches keep opening in the hot tub.

[00:32:56]>> We're going to have to ask you to leave.

[00:33:00]>> Seems to be a white substance coming from your nipples.

[00:33:03]>> Yeah, >> assuming it's pus.

[00:33:05]>> I hope.

[00:33:10]Anyway, this is uh this is a water park and uh we need you to at least put on a shirt or just please not be in the pool anywhere near near children.

[00:33:20]>> When you don't accept aging, then this is this is what happens to you.

[00:33:26]>> Okay.

[00:33:28]>> Madonna has a new uh song out. So, this is her her performing at a uh Grinder party.

[00:33:36]>> Oh. And um >> so I guess there are adults that dress like that trans person in the grocery store.

[00:33:42]>> And I didn't know that they made a um a model of depends that looks like a tutu.

[00:33:50]>> I didn't know.

[00:33:52]>> Is what dance is this that she's doing?

[00:33:56]Is this just gross?

[00:34:02]>> The DJ's like, "Could you please get your ass away from my your [ __ ] with my turntables trying to do a job here.

[00:34:14]>> Just dry humping that guy.

[00:34:16]>> I would never imagine that we would ever have to witness a 70-year-old woman doing this.

[00:34:20]>> Uh being so desperate that she's having what looks like an epileptic seizure on stage in the middle of Time Square.

[00:34:29]>> That's her just trying not to [ __ ] herself.

[00:34:31]>> Yeah. Who has >> just holding it in? That's me on That's me in a car driving across the country looking for a rest stop.

[00:34:39]So, I'm about to have diarrhea.

[00:34:44]What? Dude, like her putting her leg up is not sensual. It just looks like the driest thing.

[00:34:54]It just looks like she needs to take a break. Like right there, she's like, "All right, at this part I'm going to sit on you and dry hump you, but it's because my legs are so old and tired.

[00:35:04]>> I know I'm going to be grinding you sexually, but I it really hurts.

[00:35:13]Who is this for?"

[00:35:17]All the gay guys are like, "No one asked for this."

[00:35:20]>> Look at how >> even the Even the gays are like, "This is this is too much." Look at the expression on the DJ's face when the leg goes up. He's like, "Okay, all right. I wouldn't have suggested that." Um, he's just looking at the record pretending it didn't happen.

[00:35:38]>> She's just having a narcolepsy episode right now. That's down, fell asleep, popped up.

[00:35:46]>> She looks She looks like a pled out mom at a wedding reception who shouldn't have the mic.

[00:35:55]But she just wants to be there for her son.

[00:35:58]>> Yeah, but she's just drunk and nobody really talks to her anymore. She's just Kim Basinger and 8 Mile.

[00:36:08]>> Just ruining it for everybody.

[00:36:11]I would say that her kids have a worse mom than Eminem did.

[00:36:15]>> Oh, by far.

[00:36:20]At least at least, you know, his mom wasn't able to publicly humiliate him on a worldwide stage.

[00:36:28]Oh, well, at least what she did develop somebody with talent who doesn't do this and has, you know, also enjoyed becoming a grandfather and stays at home.

[00:36:41]this which she refuses to do when everyone begs her, "Shouldn't you be watching your favorite TV show from 60 years ago?"

[00:36:50]>> Right?

[00:36:52]>> Like that's what that's what normal 70-year-olds are doing, >> right? Like we do appreciate your ass implants and the fact that you're grinding, but it just looks like you're tired.

[00:37:02]>> This guy This guy right here, this is probably his last day of doing dance. He probably just went and got a job at uh a Taco Bell after this happened to him.

[00:37:14]>> Do you know how much he's probably urinating on accident right now?

[00:37:18]>> He's just urinating and farting on this guy just farts.

[00:37:24]>> It's got to just be relentless.

[00:37:30]>> She doesn't even fart anymore. She just seeps. Yeah, it's Yeah, it would just be a constant stream of gas. And she somehow hired other dancers that have a worse ass. She's like, I can't have them show me up.

[00:37:44]This is the only place where that fat girl could go and get tipped more.

[00:37:52]Where everyone's attention would be just they'd be like, "Oh, thank God. There's something else to look at." Like, >> what is what is the product that she's selling?

[00:38:04]degeneracy.

[00:38:07]>> Who's going to like look at that and go, I'd like to buy whatever is making that woman Twitch like that.

[00:38:14]It's her new song. I almost put the video in here. Her video for her new song is just a bunch of uh like gay dudes like hooking up in a bathroom and she's like watching. That somehow seems better than this. Look at the That is a move of a drunk woman.

[00:38:35]>> Yeah, this is the best move right there.

[00:38:37]Well, because it's not being sexy. It's leaning from being 70.

[00:38:43]It's It's when the painkillers are wearing off.

[00:38:52]Yeah. There's just no way to remain stable at this point. And you're like, "Okay, I got to just tone it back."

[00:39:00]No, not at all. Somebody desperately trying to hold on to their youth and when they were immensely popular, which by the way is when I was uh a young young child.

[00:39:17]If they reboot Dick Tracy, she can play one of the villains now.

[00:39:21]>> Yes. Mind you, when she was a little bit past her prime in the movie uh A League of Their Own, I was I was a child when she was 40. I was 7 years old.

[00:39:37]>> And what happened to her famous mole?

[00:39:39]She got rid of it.

[00:39:41]>> Well, there's only so many times you can lift stuff up. I'm sure it's still there. It's just somewhere they can't be seen anymore.

[00:39:48]I just put it into perspective of if you were, you know, like in high school and your grandma your grandma was doing this.

[00:39:59]>> Yeah. Like you go in and your grandma's spread eagle and then it smells like her house.

[00:40:06]Just mothballs.

[00:40:07]>> Just molding.

[00:40:12]Well, she also went and did something at Coachella and then was walking around saying someone stole her clothes. I was like, "Yeah, I'm sure vultures just picked them off when you were standing outside in the desert."

[00:40:23]>> Is that what she said?

[00:40:25]>> Yeah, she said someone stole her clothing.

[00:40:27]>> Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She doesn't have a team around her >> protecting her from all the the cattle.

[00:40:34]>> No. Her fans >> starting to think she doesn't.

[00:40:39]No, she's got to have She must have so much money.

[00:40:44]>> I mean, it's like great you still go out and do it. I think it's great that any old person Well, they should say, but you know, you're older. It's great that you want to go out and perform and sing, but it doesn't mean you have to do the like a virgin thing you did when you were 17. It's weird.

[00:41:00]>> Go out and sing, but don't show us your old vagina. Like there's no one like just wear clothes.

[00:41:11]>> Yeah. Papa don't preach. Like what are you going to pretend you're you're at the risk of having an abortion?

[00:41:16]>> Papa should have preached cuz he created a monster.

[00:41:26]The second the camera turns. The guy's just taking a washcloth to the side of his turntables.

[00:41:34]just wearing those sunglasses so nobody can see the eyes rolling around in her head from the mix of uppers and downers.

[00:41:43]She's America's biggest disappointment.

[00:41:50]All right, so in popular mainstream music, we have uh this abomination.

[00:41:56]And let's just move over to um the Catholic Church and see what kind of music they're they're uh producing these days. Excellent for the people.

[00:42:18]I love dogs.

[00:42:29]>> I love >> Dude, this is like some sort of satanic club that you go into in the movie Bad Boys or John Wick.

[00:42:42]>> Isn't it that vibe?

[00:42:44]>> It is. Well, he looks like uh crap. He looks like Rob Helford from Judas Priest.

[00:42:51]>> Look at him turn those knobs.

[00:42:53]>> He just pretends it's a boy.

[00:43:00]>> Hello.

[00:43:03]>> So, this is it. This is what This is what the Catholic Church is up to these days.

[00:43:08]>> There's nothing.

[00:43:11]>> This isn't a thing. Is this real?

[00:43:14]>> Yeah, dude. This is real. And in the comments of the video that I got, they're like, uh, there was another priest saying that this is like a horrible abomination and that these women are, you know, that a priest should be shouldn't be like leading and orchestrating an event like this. And people are like, calm down.

[00:43:35]>> It has nothing to do with church. She's just dejing on the side and just having fun.

[00:43:40]>> Oh, is that it? Do you think he's using the same laptop that he uses for his movies, the DJ?

[00:43:48]>> Or do you think that it's a possibility that maybe if that's true, he should just wear a t-shirt, >> right?

[00:43:56]And not his ordained collar.

[00:44:01]>> I don't know. Maybe he could stop standing in a crucifix position the entire time wearing the priest color.

[00:44:11]Also, it's this is music for people rolling on Molly. There's no words. It's just st >> to think that all these people are just drugged and drunk out of their mind.

[00:44:29]Who's going to go to the sober?

[00:44:31]>> Can you? No one. Because it's not designed for that. It's It's lights and one word.

[00:44:39]It's It's house music.

[00:44:41]>> This guy, the piss goblin's probably crawling through there asking people to pee in his mouth as we >> It's like Berlin.

[00:44:50]>> He's like, "Chabad, it's it's He's just spreading his message of hope."

[00:44:54]>> Yeah, it's the hope tour.

[00:44:55]>> Yeah, it's a hope tour. Just do >> hope there's hope there's enough ecstasy for everyone.

[00:45:01]>> Yes, I hope he just goes to school dances.

[00:45:13]come take your communion.

[00:45:15]>> I said, "Come on. I just uh I just do it on the side, guys. Come on." Well, maybe your real passion is for DJing and not so much for priesting, >> perhaps a new profession.

[00:45:27]>> Maybe choose a path.

[00:45:29]>> Yeah.

[00:45:29]>> Two don't really coincide.

[00:45:32]>> They're not one and the same. As much as you know it is Christlike to be part of the brave drug sex culture, >> you shouldn't be leading it.

[00:45:48]>> It just feels like this this might be the wrong band.

[00:45:53]Dons >> I love I love I don't know. Then he has like a bunch of women that are Mormons. I don't know.

[00:46:08]The whole thing's confusing.

[00:46:10]>> Well, I mean, it's fine that they're grown women, but would you exactly be shocked if a picture of him on stage with all that smoke hits the paper with finding out all the things he's done?

[00:46:23]>> Yeah, dude. When people find out he is the piss goblin, >> right?

[00:46:32]I love >> I love Dalton.

[00:46:35]>> The Pope is cool with it. I I can't believe that the the Catholic Church is like, "Yeah, >> I love >> What time's the RA?" But I guess we shouldn't be surprised.

[00:46:44]>> I That's the thing is I'm Catholic and uh I don't I just don't get why they go from zero to this. It's like you have the It's like you have the most boring mass ever or you have this.

[00:46:59]This guy's like it's really zero like you got anything in the middle here for me, father.

[00:47:07]>> Do you have anything?

[00:47:09]>> Can't you just have a nice train collection?

[00:47:11]>> Yeah, I don't know. Maybe there's something between uh your way too long boring sermon and uh six girls human centipeding in front of your turntables.

[00:47:30]Love. Dance. Dance. Dance.

[00:47:31]>> Dance. Dance.

[00:47:32]>> I We're losing people from the church folk. What should we do?

[00:47:37]>> Make them dance.

[00:47:38]>> Make them dance. Father, dance.

[00:47:43]>> Make them dance.

[00:47:44]>> He's just flicking the lights in front of the pope.

[00:47:47]>> He's trying to sell it. He's like, "Listen, just imagine.

[00:47:51]>> Hear me out. Dons. Dons. Dons.

[00:47:57]And I'll be ending like this so they'll think of Jesus.

[00:48:01]>> Yes.

[00:48:04]>> It'll say hope.

[00:48:08]>> Hope dance.

[00:48:09]>> Yeah. It's the hope tour.

[00:48:12]The hope tour. Your excellence.

[00:48:13]>> The pope's like, "Oh, okay.

[00:48:16]Do I still Do we still have the big hats? You still have the big hats?"

[00:48:21]>> Yeah. Does this change? But you can't wear the hat when you when you dance.

[00:48:27]>> All right. Well, as long as as long as you think this is what the kids are like, >> I think it's fine.

[00:48:34]>> I feel there's no reason that there's nothing in our history that would ever make someone find this shady >> whatsoever. All our embezzling >> in love for in love for the young This won't draw draw any parallels whatsoever.

[00:48:56]>> No, it'll be fine. Make sure to wear your creepy sunglasses and have your head shaved. We want to make sure the one who looks like the biggest pervert is the DJ.

[00:49:09]>> And if you're not sweating, spray yourself with a bottle of water.

[00:49:15]>> Uh just make sure you look as much like like a uh a special needs Dr. evil when you plan on going out there and doing this.

[00:49:24]>> And it must be all ages.

[00:49:26]>> Yes. Uh make sure because there will be women dancing seductively, you know, the way that we've always wanted women to be cuz we've respected them so much in the Catholic Church.

[00:49:42]>> You are right though. It is a scene. It is just a scene from a Bad Boys movie or Miami Vice. You couldn't be more right.

[00:49:51]I'm sorry I didn't even There was so much to take in. But the more you say it, it is where like there's a shootout with John Wick going on upstairs.

[00:50:00]>> Yeah. Yeah. He's killing them all to kill this guy because everybody's raped, >> right? Because Donald St. And meanwhile there's just Russians getting their head blown off 20 ft from the stage.

[00:50:15]>> Dance. He's so high he doesn't even realize people are being murdered all around him. No. And he just he it just looks like this is his Jonestown. He's Jim Jones.

[00:50:27]>> And right now people have no idea that they're all being poisoned by the gas.

[00:50:31]>> They're all going to take communion and die.

[00:50:36]>> Dance dance. Sip the cup. Sip the cup. Dance.

[00:50:40]Dance.

[00:50:41]>> Die. Die. I mean dance.

[00:50:44]>> You're getting tired. Tired. Tired.

[00:50:46]Tired. Tired.

[00:50:48]It's cuz you're dying, dying, dying, die.

[00:50:51]>> Go to God. God, God. I'm your God. God.

[00:50:54]>> Yeah.

[00:50:58]>> Let's check in with the Protestants real quick and see what they're up to.

[00:51:01]>> Okay.

[00:51:05]>> I don't know. I don't know what religion to choose anymore.

[00:51:08]>> Catholic.

[00:51:10]>> Catholic.

[00:51:12]>> Pretty simple.

[00:51:15]Are you kidding me?

[00:51:19]with rainbow katanas.

[00:51:21]>> Yeah, at least they're the fans. The I forget what they call them.

[00:51:27]>> Yeah, fans. That's the f word I'm thinking when I look at this.

[00:51:34]>> Look at those fans.

[00:51:36]>> Look at this big giant fan.

[00:51:44]>> At least there's no one there.

[00:51:47]Thank God. That should be the exact number of people in his flock.

[00:51:52]>> Just zero.

[00:51:53]>> Oh, just nobody >> showing up for this.

[00:51:59]>> Oh my.

[00:52:00]>> Just the most blasphemous age probably in in mankind.

[00:52:04]>> I understand that you would allow anybody into your church.

[00:52:14]>> This is like if somebody Feel like somebody somebody's waking up in the church basement and this is just on the screen.

[00:52:22]>> He's just dancing. Dance dance.

[00:52:27]>> Welcome to where you're going to die and I'm going to wear you.

[00:52:32]>> It's just this guy with his his custommade rainbow scarf.

[00:52:38]>> It's just the fact that people make those now.

[00:52:42]>> Yeah. The Yeah. And somebody made that.

[00:52:44]>> Mhm. They're like, "Well, he's going to need this. He's a holy man."

[00:52:48]>> That church, that cross should be upside down.

[00:52:52]>> I mean, I'm surprised it's not on fire, honestly.

[00:52:56]>> I'm surprised it's even there.

[00:52:58]>> I mean, you don't really You really don't believe anything, right? Like, you don't really believe this. Like, there's no way that you can do this and believe what you tell people.

[00:53:11]>> No, dude. This is the best job ever for a gay lunatic is to not have to work all week, show up and talk about 20 like 20 minutes and pray to their trans god and just thank you everybody. Uh I'm I'm glad you guys could come here for an hour. Please leave tax-free dollars. This is which is this is why this and Joel Olstein and every other person >> should be completely >> completely held to a standard where they have to if this is your your video you should have to pay taxes on your religion >> 100%.

[00:53:50]>> I completely understand wanting people to come into your church but then delivering the message like you're begging people to come in. You're so desperate and like it shouldn't be that that people should want to come to you.

[00:54:06]>> Right. Right. To learn about the Bible.

[00:54:08]That's the purpose.

[00:54:10]>> Yeah. People who have >> not to learn about Lady Gaga.

[00:54:12]>> No.

[00:54:14]>> Your fan your fan interpretive dance, >> right? Like I you're supposed to be able to go somewhere to hear a message of clarity >> and then you show up in this >> repentance and forgiveness and instead you have this guy trying to fan your balls.

[00:54:31]>> This guy, >> are your balls hot?

[00:54:34]>> You customordered these fans so you could dance on his camera.

[00:54:39]>> He did.

[00:54:40]>> He's like, I got a great idea for a Tik Tok.

[00:54:43]>> Dude, I hate this gun. I hate the world.

[00:54:49]It's not about I'm not conforming to this.

[00:54:52]>> No, I never will.

[00:54:54]>> I just would go, "Are you like, "Sir, are you okay?" I think gay people should be allowed in church. Me, too. This isn't what we're talking about. You're dancing.

[00:55:05]>> Have you read the Bible?

[00:55:07]>> What What part are you teaching about here? I don't know.

[00:55:12]My mom put me in a camp when I was eight.

[00:55:19]Just [ __ ] >> It's just insanity, dude.

[00:55:23]>> You need that thing to know that like there's these moments of sanity and clarity. And that's what bothers me so much. And gay people, trans people, whatever it is, all need it.

[00:55:38]That's what's so crazy about it. You can't just turn everything into a goddamn woke circus. to please everybody. It's absurd. Everything doesn't have to be everything doesn't have to be [ __ ] parapolgic gay dolphins in a goddamn parade on a kid show. You don't have to ruin everything. Like there can be it can you don't have to you don't have to accept every shitty [ __ ] choice that everyone makes and call it brave.

[00:56:14]Not only that, you you you have to push yourself through like a a parade where dudes are just fully just hanging loose out of a pair of chaps.

[00:56:23]>> Well, it's like you have to dodge all that and to get into the house of God and then this guy comes at you with two rainbow fans.

[00:56:29]>> Well, this mean not safe anywhere.

[00:56:34]>> If people wanted to be offended by what we're saying, I'll explain it like this.

[00:56:38]Let's say you go to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting because you're trying to get better. Somebody's going to church to find God to get better.

[00:56:44]Okay. You show up to the AA meeting and the person speaking is uh oiled up wearing a strap on a police hat and instead of talking about >> doing shots of Jagger >> instead of talking about the recovery they're getting drunk and dancing.

[00:57:10]You see, the thing that you needed is being bastardized.

[00:57:15]That's all it is.

[00:57:23]>> Like, I guess I'm an alcoholic for life now.

[00:57:26]>> You know what? I guess there's nowhere I can go to where because you're you're walking in and they're going, it's fine that you're you're drunk all the time.

[00:57:35]That's what makes you you. You go. Oh, >> be proud. Be proud of it.

[00:57:41]>> Oh, I should be.

[00:57:42]>> I I kept I kept hitting rock bottom and I thought I was a failure and my family's gone. No, >> your family. Your family are bigots.

[00:57:52]>> Yeah, they don't accept you for who you are.

[00:57:55]>> But we do.

[00:57:56]>> If >> now go grab one of those strapons off the table over there, any color you want.

[00:58:03]>> Yeah.

[00:58:03]>> And come over to here where you belong.

[00:58:05]>> Yeah. Go get a party hat and open your mouth cuz I'm going to pour I'm going to pour some Stellynia vodka down this [ __ ] rubber dick >> and you're going to catch it like an ice luch.

[00:58:21]>> Go take a pull from the the statue the ice statue of David's dick.

[00:58:30]>> That's what you really need.

[00:58:32]All right. Well, that does it for the YouTube episode. We're going to keep the cameras rolling and we're going over to our Patreon. A lot of people have signed up. We appreciate you. If you haven't now, go do it. Support us. Pick a tier.

[00:58:48]Be part of uh the Concerned Citizens because to be honest, we really don't know how long um you know, this show will last on YouTube. So, we really need you to move on over to the Patreon. And also, some of you in the comments were saying, "Ah, dude, you guys need some merch." Well, we made it. You can see the shirts uh for sale below, hooked to this YouTube. We got three of them right now. We got the concerned shirt, Concerned Americans, and Definitely Concerned. So, um we'd appreciate it if you guys would rock one of those.

[00:59:21]There's also a link to the store in the description. So, on that note, thanks for laughing with us and head on over to our Patreon. The show drops tomorrow.

[00:59:32]>> Oh yeah.

[00:59:38]>> Still going to laugh while the whole thing burns.