Limerence: When Your Brain Creates a Relationship That Doesn't Exist

Added: 2026-05-11

[00:00:00]Sometimes people are with someone that either they can do better with they can do better or that person really doesn't like them but they're chasing the relationship because of limrance.

[00:00:12]They're so engulfed and so invested in this relationship that they want so much because they're making stuff up.

[00:00:20]>> Sorry. Who's making stuff up?

[00:00:22]>> So sometimes there are dynamics. So, I'm like extracting what he's saying, but I'm putting a little bit of a spin on it in that sometimes people you ever seen people stay stay in a relationship where or or they're in love with someone that you can clearly see like this person don't want you.

[00:00:37]>> Okay. Yeah.

[00:00:38]>> 90day fiance that stuff.

[00:00:40]>> I was about to say love is blind.

[00:00:41]>> Love is blind. Yeah.

[00:00:42]>> They don't want you. They don't want you, honey. Why are you there? Can't you see they don't want you?

[00:00:46]>> And you could do better, right? Like it goes with the flow of like you can do better, but it's coming from the position of you know, love don't live here, honey.

[00:00:56]And you might might want to like move on from this. And what I'm saying is that a lot of times that comes from uh it's it's a euphoric experience, which people call limrance. It's, you know, love, lust, like lirance, loss. I had to Google that one.

[00:01:12]>> Limrance. Yeah. Yeah. What does it say?

[00:01:15]It says limrance is an involuntary state of intense romantic infatuation and obsession with a lirant object. We can't use lirant, >> right?

[00:01:27]>> Okay.

[00:01:28]>> Characterized by a desperate longing for reciprocation, intrusive thoughts, and emotional dependency. That was that was good.

[00:01:37]>> Mhm.

[00:01:38]>> That was good. I understand what it >> It's very euphoric and they can't let go because they're obsessed.

[00:01:44]>> Obsessed. I I would say that that's actually crazy, but that is actually in the definition.

[00:01:49]>> Yeah. And so like you think it's love because you don't want to let go >> and it's really hard to it's really hard to discern >> for the person who is >> who wants the relationship.

[00:01:58]>> Yeah, I could see that. And I think that would go to the to the people that don't post their partner >> who their partner is deeply in love with them.

[00:02:06]>> Totally.

[00:02:07]>> And then that can also make the partner think he can get away with anything, right?

[00:02:11]>> Or her get away with anything, >> right? And so he takes it they take advantage of that situation because they know that person's not leaving.

[00:02:18]>> Exactly.

[00:02:19]>> And so the person who's not in limrance, >> anything that they do in the positive becomes a euphoric experience for the person who's in limrance.

[00:02:29]>> So that's how you get that low-level bare minimum behavior that a person kind of amplifies and like highlights as, oh my god, oh my gosh, I just learned a new word. I've been in limrance, guys.

[00:02:44]I've definitely been in Lance.

[00:02:49]>> Yeah.

[00:02:49]>> Like, oh my goodness, open the door for me.

[00:02:52]>> I think that there's a >> He's so great.

[00:02:55]>> Yeah.

[00:02:56]>> I've heard women say this on the internet about don't fall in love with a man or you have to love a man less than he loves you.

[00:03:03]>> Yes. How do you feel about that?

[00:03:06]>> Well, sounds stupid.

[00:03:08]>> Do you agree? Okay. You don't agree with it. I feel like we spoke about this this season as well. Well, now that she put the word limrance, I'm trying to attach to things that like I see on the internet and I've seen that >> and I I don't Why would you Why would you want that?

[00:03:21]>> Do you think that it's common for guys to fall in limrance? Do you fall in limrance?

[00:03:28]>> Lots of clients, guy clients that were in limrance.

[00:03:31]>> Yeah.

[00:03:31]>> Yeah. Absolutely. And begging me to help them to get out of it. Not me personally like but professionally. I actually I can only see that because honestly I just don't feel like this is a guy's um >> fight.

[00:03:44]>> Yeah, I could only see it if a guy isn't like on the same >> guys experience lirance with you.

[00:03:53]>> Talk your [ __ ] now. She's giving you opportunity.

[00:03:56]>> I don't think I don't think so.

[00:03:59]Superficially. So you don't think you you've never experienced like >> just try and try and try and you're like I >> we witnessed it. Come on now.

[00:04:08]>> It >> we won't talk about it.

[00:04:11]>> Okay.

[00:04:13]>> Okay. Maybe. Um >> so the answer is yes.

[00:04:16]>> But sometimes honestly >> I I believe more men I I really believe that more men would do that because women have access to men anytime that they want.

[00:04:25]>> Okay. But you see the thing with men is you don't you never know if it's really lirance or it's just like uh a constant >> you don't have postnet clarity yet >> maybe but maybe he's just doing this to see if he can get you and then if he does get the chance with you then all of that goes away >> like it's an act so I don't really sometimes I really don't think it it is lirance but I think that it can be lirance if a guy is not on the same level as a girl sometimes they obtain like uh too high.

[00:04:58]>> That's what I'm saying. The obsession.

[00:04:59]So someone is out of your league.

[00:05:01]>> Yeah. Out of your league. So that that way I can see a guy being obsessed with like the chase and like wanting to get >> this girl.

[00:05:10]>> Wouldn't it be more the person, not the chase? Because once he has you, the chase is over and now he's trying to keep you. Well, >> he has to.

[00:05:16]>> That's what I'm saying. He has to keep you. He has to It's constantly like, "Oh, you you're the goddess. You're the queen. I'll do anything you want." I've I've had clients that and I want to be very clear. I don't think that um I do not support postnet clarity.

[00:05:32]>> I'm just sharing some a piece of information. Okay, let me very be very clear.

[00:05:37]>> What do you mean you don't support it?

[00:05:39]>> Meaning I'm not going to suggest that a man have sex with a woman so that he can know if he likes her or not.

[00:05:45]>> But you know it's a real thing.

[00:05:47]>> I understand that that's an experience.

[00:05:49]>> Okay. All right. Continue.

[00:05:50]>> Right. It is though.

[00:05:52]>> I I understand it's an experience. It's not it's not it's not something that I would prescribe.

[00:05:57]However, with that being said, I have had clients that longed for postnut clarity, meaning he couldn't wait to bed this woman cuz he was so certain that he could finally just uh let me just get over her.

[00:06:11]>> You were so sophisticated.

[00:06:12]>> Only only to >> bed this woman. Oh, only to only to only to discover that he cannot get her out of his mind.

[00:06:25]>> And he's going stir crazy because he was relying on that that that demarcation, that line of demarcation of pre-ex like I don't want you anymore. I'm done. I'm good. I got it out my system. Yeah, I got it out my system. Yeah, let me say it that way. He hit or he got it out of his system and he hit and it's she's not out of his system. Not only is she not out of his system, he wants some more.

[00:06:52]He wants her again and she's cool on him.

[00:06:55]>> That's what it's called. It's called It's called What?

[00:06:57]>> It's called Bad Dope.

[00:06:58]>> Bad Dope.

[00:06:59]>> Back dope.

[00:07:00]>> Bad dope. Bad.

[00:07:02]>> Marie got me weak. Hey, Alan was in the in the streets. Okay.

[00:07:07]>> Apparently.

[00:07:08]>> Yeah.

[00:07:08]>> Yeah. That's That's disaster. I don't know anything about that.

[00:07:11]>> Oh my god, they go crazy.

[00:07:12]>> Yeah, I can see that.

[00:07:13]>> When they cannot and then and then and then the the delusion here is all right, I just got to get somebody else. Oh my gosh, poor guy. When he does get someone else and it doesn't work, >> he still want this woman that's cool on him.

[00:07:27]>> Yeah.

[00:07:29]>> He can't stop. And I and and and some of them have had children with her and all the things like it it it just exacerbates and it just goes on and on and on and he's calling me like I need help.

[00:07:44]>> I got to you know what I'm not going to lie. The ex I told you still be like trying to contact. He's definitely in limrance actually.

[00:07:53]>> He he just liked my story post today.

[00:07:55]Mind you, we don't follow each other, but he's he still shows up every now and again, and he liked my story post today.

[00:08:01]>> My father would call him the ghost of Christmas past.

[00:08:03]>> He is somebody I know. I said, the minute somebody puts a ring on my finger, >> oh my gosh, >> the minute I get pregnant for somebody, he is someone go check on him. So, someone is going to need to check on him. Honestly, Batman.

[00:08:21]>> Yeah. Yeah. that that's that's connected to the why do people pine over and invest in relationships or people that where it's not mutual.

[00:08:33]>> That person doesn't want you. I don't know how to answer that. I don't think that this new word well it's not new to Cassandra, >> but I don't think that this has anything to do with like being digmatized or like >> what what did you call it for guys? Um >> isn't it whipped?

[00:08:50]>> [ __ ] whipped. Uh, wait a minute. Hold on. What about the women that get with a dude, it's supposed to just be an exchange cuz you know he's a [ __ ] boy.

[00:08:59]That's That's your word. He's a [ __ ] boy. And then like he puts it on you and then like then you want to see him again and he's cool on you. Wouldn't that be liriicks?

[00:09:07]>> Yeah, it can be.

[00:09:08]>> That's what I So it's just That's what you were about to say, right?

[00:09:11]>> I think women romanticize things.

[00:09:14]>> Yeah, I was about to say I think that that's more of a like, oh, that was like so good. I like need it again. I don't >> women romantic like a romantic involuntary state of intense romantic infatuation. We're talking about like superficial response to >> to sexual prowess versus having this belief that this person is my person.

[00:09:38]I'm in love with them.

[00:09:39]>> Okay.

[00:09:40]>> You understand? Like there's this romanticized essence around you're making things up. You start to get into a fantasy world. Yeah. like this is going to be my husband and we're going to have kids >> whatever because we're dating or we've been seeing each other, >> but I have invested a lot more emotionally.

[00:10:00]>> Mhm.

[00:10:01]>> And I don't quite know what you're on.

[00:10:06]>> Mhm.

[00:10:07]>> You probably don't know what you want, but I'm over here thinking the world about what we could be.

[00:10:14]>> Mhm.

[00:10:15]I think that's that's more what it is. I would love for people in the comments to tell us if they've if if you're so bold to let us know if you've experienced limrance and what that was like. Did it drive you crazy? How did you get out of it?

[00:10:28]>> I feel like we we probably all did at some point in our in our life. And >> how did you get out of it, do you think?

[00:10:34]>> Uh I probably been limmerked a lot of times, honestly. Yeah.

[00:10:38]>> I really like this word.

[00:10:40]>> I I probably have been. I mean just just as just as >> way you see women respond to you.

[00:10:45]>> Well just being younger and not knowing excuse me not knowing like my power you know and >> excuse me okay >> I can't talk. Okay.

[00:10:54]>> No go for it.

[00:10:54]>> It was excuse me before he said no I know >> that's what I'm saying. Go for it.

[00:11:00]>> He said before I knew I was that [ __ ] You know >> you didn't know you had to be responsible.

[00:11:04]>> No I thought we was just out here having fun. Like >> I'm just saying like with great power comes great responsibility.

[00:11:09]>> Yeah. didn't I didn't even know anything about the responsibility and then it was just kind of like oh this can keep happening this is this is a great life >> and then like I met the one >> and then >> she >> yeah she she and then and then yeah after that it was like >> she didn't want me cuz I messed up and I was like damn and then like I even had relationships after that where I was like oh you know what I probably would have been better off there like even still thinking about it, you know. So, it was >> How did you get past it? That's what >> Mhm.

[00:11:44]>> Oh, she I knew I wasn't going to get it.

[00:11:46]Like, she was I couldn't >> How long did it take you, do you think?

[00:11:50]>> It took me a minute cuz >> But it sounds like she was good for you, though. No, >> she probably was. If If I was Put it like this, she probably was with the version I am now. The version that I used to be >> was why she didn't stay. So, >> no. I'm ask what I'm asking is that was she was she so with limrance the person that you're fawning over that they don't want you and it's because but you want them because you're making up a story about them. Mhm.

[00:12:19]>> The obsession is causing the obsession is causing you to make up a story about them that that is inspiring you to stay.

[00:12:27]So that your external reality, other people that are there, your friends, your family are like, "Yo, like why are you in this relationship?" And you're like, "Oh my god, this person I I love them. I'm in love with them." Just like why? They curse you out. They mistreat you. They don't pick up your phone calls. Like there's nothing there. But that person believes that they're in a full-blown opportunity or relationship because they they created this fantasy realm in their mind. Is that what you were going through with her? I was delusional. Yes, >> I'm admitting. Yes, I had limits.

[00:12:53]>> Okay, >> I had that.

[00:12:54]>> I think this is very synonymous to delusion.

[00:12:58]>> Yeah, it's probably >> I think as a matter of fact for me, yes, I was delusion.

[00:13:01]>> I had it. I'm telling you, I'm this is my confession. I had I had the limits and put your feet up.

[00:13:05]>> Yeah.

[00:13:07]>> No, I had the limits and you just got to get over it cuz there's there's more there's more out there, you know.

[00:13:12]>> Okay. So, you just you just like flooded her out with more Punani. Man, I [ __ ] my way through it.

[00:13:18]>> I'm done.

[00:13:20]>> Did that help?

[00:13:21]>> Uh, helped my ego and that's what I was driven by at the time. So, yeah, absolutely.

[00:13:27]>> Especially knowing that she wasn't going to come back. It was kind of like, all right, well, somebody's going to want me.

[00:13:32]>> Somebody's going to want me. Somebody's going to want me. So, yeah, it wasn't the right thing to do. I know.

[00:13:36]>> But yes. Yeah.

[00:13:37]>> If you even like being with other people, if that person doesn't want you, they're not going to care.

[00:13:44]>> Yeah. Yeah.

[00:13:44]>> So, it's not it's like moving on, finding other people to [ __ ] that's on you. Like he said, that fixed his ego.

[00:13:52]>> Mhm.

[00:13:53]>> But if you really want that person to give a [ __ ] you keep elevating yourself.

[00:13:58]>> Yeah. I don't think so. You shouldn't even I think that you have to just completely disengage and begin telling yourself.

[00:14:02]>> I know that is actually true as well.

[00:14:05]>> Yeah.

[00:14:07]>> You have to tell you have to tell yourself the truth. You have to start like I've told people make a list. Make a list of what actually happens. Not what you want, not how you interpreted it, just the facts.

[00:14:21]Right? So, what happens in limrance is like, well, for example, I've heard once heard a woman say something like, "He took me out to dinner and it was so sweet and and it that's their truth."

[00:14:33]>> It is true, but >> I'm just saying >> he did take her out. He did take her out to dinner, but what it is is that it's the story that she's telling herself about the dinner that makes it so special. But you just need to write we went out to eat as opposed to this was so sweet. It's so amazing. No one ever has ever taken me to a fivestar restaurant before. You're creating gravity in an experience. Just write just make it plain. It he picked me up.

[00:14:58]>> She she she cooked dinner for me. M >> just remove the meaning and the interpretation out of it so you can just get the bare bones of it, including all the nasty mean things.

[00:15:09]>> They lied. They cheated. Um I I asked them a question and they they weren't, you know, they skated around it, right?

[00:15:16]Like they're not transparent. They're not honest, right? Um they hurt my feelings. They never apologized. They don't care. I had I I was graduating with my master's degree. They didn't show up >> and that I like I to they said they were going to be there and I could have given the ticket to someone else and they didn't say anything. You know what I mean? Yeah. Right. Like that would be like that's a high that's like as opposed to saying this person has be has been disrespectful. Don't don't even assign it that. Just say what happened.

[00:15:43]You have to get out of the fantasy and you have to get into reality. You just got to see it and write it out so that you can