How To Remain Bonding When Fighting or Distant with Avoidant

[00:00:00]Hello everybody. I'm a practicing therapist and a doctoral student of psychology. Today we're going to talk about how to remain connected with an avoidant during conflict. We've touched on this before, but someone when I'm recording this video, someone request requested this yesterday. I don't know when I'm going to post it, but I'm going to try and post it soon so that they can see it. Um, seems like they were having some conflict and they were mentioning comments about it. So, this is for them and anyone else interested. If you guys want to book a call with me specifically to talk more about your case, that's pinned in the comments as well. But let's just go ahead and jump right in.

[00:00:32]The first one and one of the most important ones is I want you to communicate your fears and needs without negative assumptions. Okay, so really it means you don't want to jump to conclusions, but you still want to say what's bothering you. It's delicate.

[00:00:47]It's a delicate balance. So an example of jumping to conclusions is you clearly don't care about me. you haven't answered my text in six hours. And this is a like the six hours part is a fact.

[00:00:57]And so we want to extrapolate the facts and we want to communicate a little bit more clearly.

[00:01:02]A version that could be is you don't normally I mean it could be like more like this actually. I'm sorry. You normally answer your text within 6 hours and I'm getting worried. Keep me posted and I hope you're okay. Or you could say you don't normally go six hours without messaging me. I'm getting really worried. please call me when you have a chance. Anything like that. And by doing so, you're still saying the six hours because the what's bothering you needs to be set pretty clearly with avoidance. They need to have a tangible timeline or perspective. And so, I don't want you to omit the six hours and say, "You haven't talked to me all day." That is not as clear. You really at least want to have some numerical value or some sort of expression that they can actually take account of because otherwise what they're going to do and a lot of times they do do this. They're going to assume you're just being emotional and while they're being triggered and behaving that way, you won't have time to explain yourself. So rather upfront you just cut through all of the triggers that they're having in their mind and communicate as clearly as you can because whatever they act like and if they crash out, you know you did do your best and that's really important. Okay. But likely this will land pretty good, particularly with uh dismissive avoidance, but it does help with uh fearful as well. The next one is you want to validate their emotions even if you disagree. This one lands really well particularly with dismissive avoidant males, but it does work with both female and male as well as fearful avoidance, but really particular. So if you have if your partner is a dismissive avoidant male and you feel like you've tried a lot of things but you haven't tried this one, please try it. It really does work really well with dismissive avoidant males. You can say, "I can see why you feel that way. I understand.

[00:02:44]That makes sense. That makes sense from your perspective. I really didn't think about it like that and I appreciate you sharing." You can even say, "I hear that. I can see what you're saying."

[00:02:53]Anything like that. You don't even have to say, "You're right. I do do that. Let me fix it today." You don't have to say any of that. You can just say, "I appreciate your perspective."

[00:03:01]Validation doesn't mean agreeing, but it does acknowledge their reality and it builds trust and it does diffuse tension. And this is the most important part because if an avoidant is feeling tension, they're triggered. And if they're triggered, you're going to get triggered and this conflict is going to continue. And so this is really important. Okay, the next one is you want to stay physically present and relaxed. This one is difficult, I think, regardless of attachment style. This one's difficult with anyone. Insecure people struggle with this too. Body language does matter. Sit near your partner. You don't want to move away.

[00:03:35]You don't want to do the arm crossing or turning away. But also with your own body language, you want to remain relaxed because you don't want to come across combative or defensive.

[00:03:45]And so using a calm tone can help as well. Uh you want to use also light non-invasive physical contact. So for example, let's say your I don't know your boyfriend is named Brad. This is the first thing that popped in my mind.

[00:04:01]Um, and he's getting a little upset or a little bit angry and he's saying, you know, you're always pressuring me.

[00:04:08]You don't understand me. So, that's why I can't do relationships cuz this always happens. You can put your hand on his knee and maybe say, Brad, I completely hear what you're saying. I'm so sorry you feel that way. Right? You use that touch, just a little touch. You use his name, which can help sometimes, and it allows them to remain calm. Now, if you have an affectionate name for them, use the affectionate name. Don't use their name because that can come across too harsh. If you don't typically use your names, use a name that you call each other, okay? And by touching that person and it'll help calm them down, but it also opens a bridge for deescalation on their side because they can say, "You're right. I shouldn't have said it like that." Or, "I I'm sorry that I spoke like that. You make sense.

[00:04:51]I I was a little charged." Right?

[00:04:53]Because, as we've mentioned, avoidance say things they don't mean a lot of times when they're triggered. Like a lot of times it's it's so common. Most avoidants do this, especially male avoidants, but female avoidance do it as well. Okay. The next one is you want to understand their perspective. It's important both of you guys recognize that both sides have valid points and different perspective. Arguments stem like the truth of the matter is regardless of attachment style, arguments stem from perspective and personal experiences, not absolute truths. what you feel is valid but from your angle and from what they feel is valid from their angle. And so you guys can learn from one another because if maybe you had different experiences, you would understand them and they would understand you like it would be flipped.

[00:05:37]So it's really important to remember that. Okay. The next one is a team mindset. This is very important.

[00:05:43]Remember that you're on the same team.

[00:05:45]Avoidant individuals actually can be triggered during arguments and sometimes they act like it's not a team. So sometimes you want to bring it back and say something like, "I hear what you're saying. This is good for both of us."

[00:05:56]Or, "That makes sense. I think both of us can learn from this." Or anything.

[00:06:00]Let's say you're saying, "I feel like we don't when you're away on a business trip, you don't communicate with me."

[00:06:06]Maybe that's the thing that's bothering you. You're not going to say it like that. You might say, "I would like if when we're both away from each other, that we both put effort to communicate a little bit more. I think both of us can work on that. What do you think?" Team mindset. You took a problem and you put it as a team. And some people don't like doing this because they're saying, "Well, I don't have that issue." I do understand and respect that. And you pro you might not. But it allows them to actually feel like regardless of their issue, you can still see maybe 1% that you can work on as well. Even if you don't feel that way or you really feel like maybe it's just their issue and you have your own issues, it still helps to deescalate as well. So, it's sometimes important not take everything so specific with what people say, but more the intention behind it. Of course, take even that with a grain of salt cuz it depends. But that's really important.

[00:06:52]The next one is apologize when necessary. When you realize you up upset your partner, even by accident, apologize sincerely. It can really defuse tension. It diffuses a lot of arguments just by doing that. Okay. The next one is you want to express feelings compassionately. It's direct, but you want to be kind. You don't want to beat around the bush and you don't want to deny what they feel or even what you feel. You can say, "I understand when you're on a business trip, you can't always answer your phone. I know you're busy and I appreciate that and I'm happy that you have so good connections at work. I'm actually happy for you, but I also feel that I can miss you or sometimes I feel confused with the late hours or not texting for the entire day.

[00:07:37]Even if it's during your lunch break, I would really appreciate if you just message me and say hello." So, you're expressing your feelings, you're telling what you need, and it's compassionate, you're kind about it. The next one is address yelling. This is not for everybody. Like, it's not going to fit everybody, but if your partner is yelling, it is vital to communicate right away.

[00:07:57]You can say, "I don't appreciate yelling. Let's be calm. If we can't be calm, let's touch on this in 10 minutes." You want to really make sure that yelling is not something that's common and incorporated in your relationship. I have a lot of couples calls with you guys. I have it in my like couples therapy and yelling is unfortunately common um in these types of sit situations and so that's why I put that in there. Please address it right away because I can address it if it's happening but if I'm not there I can't address it. So please you guys have to do that. Okay. The next one is you want to acknowledge pressure mentioning I know this topic can be a little heavy. We can always put on the shelf and revisit it later. Anything like that makes a huge difference. and then acknowledge what you appreciate. I know you're trying your best. I appreciate that you are doing this for us. So, let's go ahead and summarize and we'll wrap it up. So, the first one is communicate your needs and fears without negative assumptions. Validate their emotions even if you disagree. Stay physically present and relaxed.

[00:08:57]Acknowledge their perspective. Team mindset. Apologize when necessary.

[00:09:03]Express feelings compassionately.

[00:09:05]Address yelling right away. Please, right away. Um, acknowledge pressure and then acknowledge what you appreciate. I hope this video is helpful to somebody.

[00:09:12]Please like, subscribe.