Red Talks with Jamie Hutchinson

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[00:00:00]If it wasn't for male ego, would we ever conquer Everest? But then why do you want to conquer Everest?

[00:00:06]>> What's the point?

[00:00:06]>> That's what's the point?

[00:00:07]>> It's a cold hill.

[00:00:08]>> The fragility of male ego has led to some good things.

[00:00:11]>> Like what what do you reckon? What? The car plane.

[00:00:13]>> Uh >> gun.

[00:00:14]>> Brown sauce.

[00:00:16]>> Yeah, brown sauce is a good one.

[00:00:18]>> I think I could be Britain's only 5D comedian.

[00:00:21]>> Did you lick someone last night?

[00:00:22]>> They they suckle me sometimes. Suckle on me like a pig. pig.

[00:00:28]>> Before I go to a park, I like to watch roller coaster deaths. Do you like jeopard?

[00:00:33]>> No.

[00:00:34]>> I like putting knives in the toaster.

[00:00:36]>> Okay.

[00:00:36]>> But you put it in the bread. One slice could hit the metal. I've been shot a couple of times, but >> you live with other people.

[00:00:42]>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:00:51]>> Jamie Hudson, welcome to Red Talks, >> mate. Thanks for having me.

[00:00:54]>> Thanks for coming on. comedian, athlete.

[00:00:57]>> I am an athlete. I'm glad you recognize that.

[00:01:00]>> Yeah. You've been up what you went to bed at 8 in the morning.

[00:01:02]>> Nah, I went to bed. Uh went bed early.

[00:01:05]Um got up at 8.

[00:01:07]>> Okay. Nice. Ran >> ran here.

[00:01:09]>> Cold plunge.

[00:01:10]>> Sprinted here.

[00:01:11]>> Meditated.

[00:01:12]>> I'm just Yeah, I'm just at one with myself and nature.

[00:01:17]>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:01:19]>> No. Good. What did you So, you left square it last night for a show.

[00:01:22]>> Yeah. This is the first date of the UK tour.

[00:01:25]>> First date, mate.

[00:01:26]>> How many shows you got left to go?

[00:01:27]>> About 60, I think.

[00:01:28]>> Yeah.

[00:01:29]>> Yeah. [ __ ] isn't it?

[00:01:30]>> What's the tour name? You plug it.

[00:01:32]>> Uh, can my mate call me? Sound.

[00:01:34]>> Okay. Yeah, that's a good name.

[00:01:35]>> Yeah. Drug Humor.

[00:01:36]>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:01:38]>> [ __ ] Really?

[00:01:38]>> And where are you going? All over.

[00:01:40]>> All over, mate.

[00:01:41]>> What's the worst place you're going to?

[00:01:44]>> I mean, I'm going as far as Abedine and Southampton and Exit. So, >> exit is good.

[00:01:50]>> That sort of >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, Cornwall.

[00:01:53]>> Nah, >> no one goes to Cornwall, do they?

[00:01:55]>> Ah, Norwich I'm doing though.

[00:01:57]>> Yeah.

[00:01:57]>> Winge for Norwich. Put it on.

[00:01:59]>> Yeah. Yeah.

[00:02:00]>> 20 tickets sold.

[00:02:01]>> Really? When is it? Do >> you know what I mean?

[00:02:03]>> That's what I mean though.

[00:02:04]>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:02:05]>> So, when you get two comments like, "Oh, I've got a fan base in Norwich." Just like 20 tickets.

[00:02:10]>> They always write to you go, "When are you coming here?" I did that in Australia apparently Adelaide. No one comes to shows and then they get annoyed. They go, "No one ever visit us Adelaide." It's cuz they don't go out apparently.

[00:02:20]>> Yeah. You can't be traveling to Australia, lad.

[00:02:22]>> No, it's too >> stand up.

[00:02:24]>> Too far.

[00:02:24]>> N embarrassing.

[00:02:25]>> I went last year. It took me 28 hours or something. It >> is embarrassing. Is it going to Australia to do a little show?

[00:02:33]>> I'll never go there, mate.

[00:02:34]>> Really? Never going to Australia.

[00:02:36]>> Why not?

[00:02:36]>> I'll never go anywhere.

[00:02:38]>> Have you left the UK before?

[00:02:39]>> Yeah, loads of times. Been Spain. Me, mate. Bare times, lad. Uh, Spain, Italy, America, Greece.

[00:02:48]>> Yeah. Where'd you go America?

[00:02:49]>> Florida. Universal Studios, mate. I'm not >> really.

[00:02:52]>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:02:53]>> Cuz that with a shark.

[00:02:54]>> Yeah. I love uh love roller coasters and that. Do you know what I mean?

[00:02:57]>> Do you?

[00:02:58]>> Yeah. It's escapism in it.

[00:02:59]>> Yeah, I'm sure.

[00:03:00]>> I like roller coaster cues, especially when they put a bit of entertainment in for you.

[00:03:04]>> What's the entertainment?

[00:03:06]>> Just like, you know, like um uh the dinosaur one. They have like >> What? The man walking around >> pictures of dinosaurs and >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What? Where'd you go here then?

[00:03:15]>> You just need a bit of that.

[00:03:16]>> What a bit of fun.

[00:03:17]>> You need a bit of that, don't you?

[00:03:18]>> Where'd you go? roller coaster just to take take you away uh at um as we call it Alton Towers. Um what's that?

[00:03:27]Southern Mons fort Park and that >> Fort Park.

[00:03:29]>> Yeah. I just love being like that fear of could all go wrong here but >> ultimately you're safe.

[00:03:39]>> Has it has been a big roller coaster disaster?

[00:03:42]>> Yeah. Yeah. Smiler.

[00:03:43]>> Yeah. What happened?

[00:03:44]>> The girl lost a leg, got 6 mil.

[00:03:46]>> Oh, I remember that. That's actually not too bad a deal, I think.

[00:03:49]>> Yeah. Six mill. Yeah.

[00:03:50]>> Not bad at all.

[00:03:51]>> I like before I go to a park, I like to watch roller coaster deaths.

[00:03:56]>> Okay. Make it more intense.

[00:03:58]>> Yeah.

[00:03:58]>> Like watching Jewelers in the Sea.

[00:04:00]>> Yeah. Add the Jeopardy, I think.

[00:04:02]>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:04:04]>> Do you like Jeeper?

[00:04:06]>> No. No. I prefer keeping it safe.

[00:04:10]>> Yeah. But do you not like the fear and then surviving?

[00:04:13]>> No. I'd rather not. I It's good to hear about. I don't want to go through it myself.

[00:04:17]>> Do you know what I mean?

[00:04:18]>> I like putting knives in the toaster.

[00:04:21]>> Okay.

[00:04:21]>> But you put it in the bread.

[00:04:22]>> Yeah.

[00:04:23]>> And it's like one slip is going to hit the metal.

[00:04:27]>> What does the Does the bread help?

[00:04:29]>> It bit prevents the shock.

[00:04:32]>> So you put it in the middle of the crust, >> but you like you're flirting with danger out if you time it well. I'd say I've been I have I've been shocked a couple of times, but >> how about the the I mean a shock like oh it's scary but it's not life threatening.

[00:04:49]>> Do you live with other people?

[00:04:51]>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:04:53]Girlfriend that.

[00:04:54]>> Where do you where you be Liverpool?

[00:04:56]>> No. Which I live market town >> Preston?

[00:04:59]>> No. No. Outside crew.

[00:05:02]>> Okay.

[00:05:03]>> Uh yeah. Quite quiet, civilized, chilled.

[00:05:08]>> Yeah. got me out of the Mer, do you know what I mean?

[00:05:11]>> Well, where were you?

[00:05:12]>> I lived in Manchester.

[00:05:13]>> Oh, is that crazy?

[00:05:15]>> I mean, yeah. I I It lent me. It's very easy. Do you know what I mean?

[00:05:20]>> Well, just go out one time.

[00:05:21]>> Yeah. Yeah.

[00:05:22]>> When did you move then?

[00:05:23]>> I moved there about two and a half years ago.

[00:05:25]>> Yeah. And you you were always Manchester.

[00:05:27]>> I was always Manchester. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:05:29]>> How do you get to gigs and stuff? Nich is what's it famous for? I've heard of it.

[00:05:32]>> N Witch. Um it's got a great bakery.

[00:05:35]>> Okay. That's probably why >> you got the battle ant witch.

[00:05:39]>> Yeah, >> that was a bit of a big deal.

[00:05:41]>> Um they have they have re they have reenactments there.

[00:05:45]>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:05:46]>> Like you get men like dressed up in like you know musketss and that.

[00:05:50]>> Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

[00:05:51]>> They do that. They do all the reenactments and stuff.

[00:05:53]>> Weird stuff.

[00:05:54]>> It's a bit It's very like nothing ever got better after 1849. So they're just going to stay like >> which I you know you got to respect fair in many ways.

[00:06:03]>> Don't go that. My mom and dad live in a village. They do worm charming competitions every year.

[00:06:07]>> Oh yeah.

[00:06:08]>> So you got to charm the worms out of the ground. And uh one year someone was caught cheating. Brought a bag of worms and someone went cheat.

[00:06:16]>> It was really serious. It was a lot a lot of controversy.

[00:06:19]>> It's nothing secret.

[00:06:20]>> No, not at all.

[00:06:22]>> Do you think they How do you have your parents ever been to Morocco or what?

[00:06:26]>> They don't get involved in the worm charming. Well, what happens in Morocco?

[00:06:29]>> Snake charming in it.

[00:06:30]>> Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:06:32]>> Do do you think >> that's Jeopardy? Do you find that aggressive? Do you think >> probably?

[00:06:35]>> Do you think they found >> I think it blow people's minds and that they go, "Oh my go snakes."

[00:06:40]>> A bit arrogant.

[00:06:41]>> N too dangerous. I reckon >> I think it's harder to do worms though.

[00:06:44]Is it eyes?

[00:06:45]>> They don't bite you.

[00:06:46]>> They got eyes.

[00:06:48]>> Yeah.

[00:06:49]>> No, I think snake charming is a bit arrogant.

[00:06:52]>> Yeah.

[00:06:53]>> [ __ ] get your snake away from me, mate.

[00:06:55]>> But if you could charm a snake, you probably be pretty happy with yourself.

[00:06:57]>> I wouldn't ch What's What animal would you charm? I charm was >> a dog. You charm a dog. Dogs aren't [ __ ] easy.

[00:07:05]>> I know. I'm joking. I don't know what I'd go for.

[00:07:08]>> Wasp, lad.

[00:07:09]>> Wasp. Nah. Why would What would you do with a charm?

[00:07:12]>> Charm wasps.

[00:07:12]>> What would you do with a charm?

[00:07:13]>> Stop singing me, mate, in [ __ ] B.

[00:07:16]Just hit it. Kill it with a book.

[00:07:18]>> Ever you think about books, lad? No chance, mate.

[00:07:23]>> What was the last book you read?

[00:07:25]>> Um, audio or reading?

[00:07:28]>> Reading. Reading a book. Um, >> I haven't read one. I just >> the silent patient by Michael Nicolites or every Greek fella.

[00:07:37]>> Okay.

[00:07:38]>> Well, Greek name um about this [ __ ] silent patient thing. She's killed her husband and he's like, I'm a therapist.

[00:07:46]I'm going to get to talk. She's not talked in 10 years, bro. He's like, I'm going to get to talk. But it's a good book and it touches on like male ego and that.

[00:07:55]>> Okay. What did you learn about male ego?

[00:07:57]>> It's toxic, is it?

[00:07:58]>> Yeah. Not good. It's toxic, but it's quite necessary cuz if it wasn't for male ego, would we ever conquer Everest?

[00:08:05]But then why do you want to conquer Everest?

[00:08:07]>> What's the point?

[00:08:08]>> That's what's the point.

[00:08:09]>> It's a cold hill.

[00:08:10]>> But I think the frag the fragility of male ego has led to some good things serendipitously.

[00:08:17]>> Yeah. We wouldn't be we would never have gone to Australia.

[00:08:19]>> I don't think it's necessarily a good thing, but it has led to good things.

[00:08:23]>> Like what what do you reckon? What the car plane?

[00:08:25]>> Uh gun.

[00:08:27]>> Brown sauce. Yeah, brown sauce is a good one.

[00:08:30]>> Brown sauce.

[00:08:31]>> A lot of ego behind that one.

[00:08:33]>> Lot of ego yet. It's the least egotistical name.

[00:08:36]>> Yeah.

[00:08:36]>> We're not going to give it We're not going to call it ketchup. We're not going to call it Chutney. It's just brown.

[00:08:40]>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:08:42]>> It is what it is. And that's from fragile male ego.

[00:08:45]>> Okay.

[00:08:46]>> Too scared to give it an over masculine name. They probably want to call it testosterone sauce.

[00:08:51]>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:08:52]>> I imagine.

[00:08:54]>> Um until they got until the [ __ ] W mob got him. Would you uh would you climb Everest?

[00:09:00]>> Nah.

[00:09:00]>> No.

[00:09:01]>> A hills, lad.

[00:09:02]>> Really? Yeah. Me, too.

[00:09:03]>> Hills should be left alone.

[00:09:05]>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Don't go near them.

[00:09:06]>> They're green and they look all right, >> but just leave them be.

[00:09:11]>> Yeah.

[00:09:12]>> I hate it when people take credit for rules as well.

[00:09:14]>> What? Climbing one.

[00:09:15]>> Climbing one then take taking credit for views.

[00:09:18]>> Yeah.

[00:09:19]>> You've not You're nothing part of this view.

[00:09:21]>> Oh, what? Taking a photo. taking a photo and going like you're you're >> who takes credit for that though.

[00:09:27]>> They take credit they they they want the credit for it.

[00:09:30]>> Well, they want look what I've made.

[00:09:31]>> They're saying this view is beautiful.

[00:09:33]But what they're saying is I'm beautiful for doing this >> for getting there.

[00:09:37]>> Yeah. You're welcome, by the way. You're welcome. I've got this P. You've got nothing to do with this landscape. You formed nothing of this landscape. You've not done anything to that horizon.

[00:09:47]>> So, don't put a picture in my face and say, "What a beautiful view." I I'll love the view, but nothing to do with you. You're not any part of it.

[00:09:55]>> Yeah. Have you ever written this on someone's picture?

[00:09:56]>> I hate it.

[00:09:58]>> I hate it. I hate views and people who >> A lot of people are dying at the moment trying to get photos on hills and stuff.

[00:10:06]Someone There's a video on Instagram.

[00:10:08]This guy tried to take a selfie or take a picture and he just slipped down. They will watch him just slide off >> fall down on a cliff.

[00:10:15]>> Yeah. Cuz it was like this and so you can just see a drop and he just slides and they go, "Oh." and he just disappears all all because he's trying to get a photograph.

[00:10:24]>> Um just to give you some selfie death stats might be interesting for you. Um so India is the country where the most selfie deaths happen.

[00:10:34]>> Okay.

[00:10:34]>> And men speaking of male ego uh three times likely more likely to die taking a selfie a male is >> really >> that's quite surprising. There was that model who died at the top of some was that India I don't know why India do you reckon? What's going on out there?

[00:10:50]>> Um, they've got a lot. It's very densely populated.

[00:10:55]>> Yeah.

[00:10:55]>> So, I What what's a >> lot of good views as well?

[00:10:58]>> What's the pound for pound stats?

[00:10:59]>> India is top of the leaderboard, followed by the US, followed by Russia.

[00:11:04]>> I mean, you kind of believe that guy.

[00:11:06]>> Well, it's it's probably the most places you can photograph in dying.

[00:11:09]>> India.

[00:11:10]>> Yeah.

[00:11:11]>> I think they have a a real unique pride.

[00:11:14]Civic pride. I think civic pride's really stupid.

[00:11:16]>> Okay. Uh, and fair enough. You're proud to be Indian. You're proud to be Indian.

[00:11:21]But I I mean that for any nation. People are proud to be British. Proud to be [ __ ] Australian or whatever. I find pride mad. You >> what? Cuz you don't like you don't have anything to do with it anything to do with it.

[00:11:32]>> The good or the bad.

[00:11:33]>> Yeah. You didn't you didn't go up the hill.

[00:11:35]>> No. No. No. Yeah. You weren't you weren't >> you not contributing anything. Do you know that? You don't even you're not contributing a thing.

[00:11:41]>> No. And the chances are it's always when someone's like, you know, I don't know what my [ __ ] you know, you could four generations ago probably they probably Irish and family.

[00:11:50]You know what I mean? It's just everyone's so mixed now. It's not >> I just find civic pride bizarre. Like what are you proud of?

[00:11:57]>> So you don't What do you think of America then? That's got a lot of that.

[00:12:00]>> Yeah. Just anywhere anywhere. What do you mean you're proud you're a proud American?

[00:12:08]>> Okay. Yeah. Well, it leads to bad things often as well.

[00:12:11]>> It does, doesn't it?

[00:12:12]>> Holocaust.

[00:12:13]>> Yeah.

[00:12:14]>> World Wars, >> genocide, >> Eurovision.

[00:12:17]>> Eurovision. Awful. When did you start?

[00:12:20]You started comedy the same time as me, didn't you? Weren't you?

[00:12:22]>> 2014. November 5th, 2014.

[00:12:25]>> Really? I was 2014 as well.

[00:12:27]>> Yeah.

[00:12:27]>> Where did you start? What was your first gig?

[00:12:29]>> Comedy Balloon.

[00:12:30]>> Where's that?

[00:12:31]>> Manchester. I did my first gig when I was like nine in a talent show.

[00:12:35]>> Really? And what what did you what was your routine? Uh, I just did loads of like Christmas cracker jokes like that.

[00:12:40]>> What were they? You remember?

[00:12:40]>> No, just like trying to be observational, but >> Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

[00:12:44]>> I lost to some fat bird who sang Titanic.

[00:12:46]>> Oh, really?

[00:12:48]>> Yeah. That must have hurt.

[00:12:49]>> Yeah. Fat. I had a scar. So, I was no chance like >> So, I left I left for 23 years after that.

[00:12:55]>> Really?

[00:12:56]>> Yeah. I didn't come back till I was 23 14 years. Left it for >> That's all it is, isn't it?

[00:13:02]>> That's all we are in it. Fat birds with scars, aren't we?

[00:13:05]>> Yeah. Oh, that's who we lose gonna lose to. But what and what you like because I don't think I gigg with you until I did Birmingham Glee with you till four years ago, but the north and south.

[00:13:16]>> Yeah, >> there's more it's more or less of a divide now. Not there's a divide, but people just didn't I don't think many people came to as many people came to London for shows.

[00:13:24]>> I never came London.

[00:13:25]>> No.

[00:13:26]>> No. It just seemed like its own ecosystem really.

[00:13:29]>> Yeah. But then so is the north.

[00:13:30]>> Yeah, that's what I mean. I just stayed >> What's the point? I just sort of especially like fees and that when you talk about, you know, when you start getting pro stuff.

[00:13:40]>> Yeah.

[00:13:41]>> When you think like you have to do like three gigs in London to earn what you do in the north and one gig, >> I think so. Yeah. Don't know. I I had this really romanticized view of stand up when I started.

[00:13:53]>> Why was that?

[00:13:54]>> We're going to be like, yeah, we're going to be the boys and you're like sort of like a football team fans. We're all in it together.

[00:14:01]>> Yeah. Like Yeah. ever going to be the boys, man. We're going to, you know, go new and and have the camaraderie in the green room and that and I didn't really get that vibe in London. I thought it was a bit cold.

[00:14:12]>> It's his own place. There isn't like a scene as such. There's pockets.

[00:14:16]>> Yeah. Well, I liked the when I started the everyone. Where was your scene then?

[00:14:21]Manchester.

[00:14:22]>> Manchester and started. Yeah.

[00:14:23]>> Who did you come up with then? Phil.

[00:14:25]>> Uh Simon Wnjak.

[00:14:27]>> Yeah.

[00:14:28]>> Uh Josh Pew, but like mid obviously he's in the Midlands. Um, so it was a decent little year. Josh Jones.

[00:14:34]>> Yeah. Yeah.

[00:14:34]>> It was a good little year of people coming through really.

[00:14:38]>> Yeah. Yeah. And you what did you do?

[00:14:40]Like eight frog and buckets on your last tour.

[00:14:43]>> Yeah, did eight frogs on the last tour and then uh moving on to like doing Manchester Apollo now. So that's like a >> [ __ ] How big is that?

[00:14:52]>> 2 and a half thousand.

[00:14:53]>> No way.

[00:14:53]>> So that's a good start.

[00:14:54]>> Is that on sale now? You sold out?

[00:14:56]>> No, no, no. It's on sale now. But please, please buy tickets.

[00:14:58]>> Buy tickets. That's crazy.

[00:14:59]>> Please. cuz what you were like on have a word and stuff and then I remember that clip of you went so viral.

[00:15:06]>> Yeah, that went about your brother.

[00:15:07]>> Yeah, that went absolut viral. Yeah, >> obviously that was >> ginormously like worldwide viral.

[00:15:16]>> Yeah. Yeah. Huge.

[00:15:17]>> Um but there's another one about gambling that also hit on the same episode. So >> it sort of give me a little cuz I was doing stand up for seven years before that clip. So I had uh sort of battle scars and you know I've been on I' done enough club gigs to sort of capitalize on it and >> do standup base on it and sell tours you know.

[00:15:39]>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:15:40]>> Cuz sometimes I think you can go >> a lot like new ax can >> maybe try and chase a viral clip. Yeah.

[00:15:48]Fair enough. It's the lay of the land but >> you can sometimes go viral too quick. I think there's a lot of value in flying under the radar. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, of course.

[00:15:56]>> And at the time, very frustrating, >> but a chance to get good.

[00:16:00]>> Very frustrating at the time. But in hindsight, I'm glad I did find >> because But at the time, you don't know it's going to be all right. So, you're terrified that it's you're deluded.

[00:16:08]>> You're like, I'm I'm not. You see, everyone Oh, he's gone.

[00:16:11]>> Mad. And that was happening for years.

[00:16:13]>> Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:16:15]>> Same time. What was it? So, was it your brother dresses up, calls himself Dr. Cat, and beat you up. That was the clip.

[00:16:20]And it went How many views did that get?

[00:16:22]Cuz it was [ __ ] everywhere.

[00:16:23]>> Yeah. Like 100 million. Really? It's one clip.

[00:16:26]>> Yeah. Stupid. Yeah.

[00:16:28]>> That's crazy. Do you get stopped in the street that from people going Dr. Campford?

[00:16:32]>> Yeah. Uh and he came to one of the frog shows.

[00:16:35]>> Oh, really? Did you bring him on stage?

[00:16:37]>> No, no, no.

[00:16:38]>> But he stood in the toilets and when everyone finished a piss of you, Dr. Catford, nice to meet you. And just did a meet and greet in the >> Oh, really?

[00:16:46]>> in the frog box.

[00:16:47]>> Did he tell you he was going to do this or was >> No, he just did.

[00:16:49]>> No, fair enough.

[00:16:50]>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He loves it. Like >> Were people getting selfies with him?

[00:16:52]>> Yeah. Yeah, he loves it. You're in.

[00:16:55]>> Do you tell the story on your tour?

[00:16:57]What?

[00:16:57]>> No. No. No. No.

[00:16:58]>> Cuz you haven't, we said before, you haven't put out a special.

[00:17:00]>> No.

[00:17:00]>> And why wouldn't you do that?

[00:17:01]>> I can't stand the thought of someone pausing me.

[00:17:04]>> Yeah.

[00:17:04]>> What about someone go for a piss at your gig? The same thing. What do you do when they piss at your gig?

[00:17:08]>> Well, they they Yeah, they can cuz they're still bought invested in it, but the s pausing to like get a [ __ ] >> It's better than turning it off.

[00:17:17]>> Yeah. And making a broom and some get distracted and then coming back to it.

[00:17:20]And >> so you're not going to put it out at all? No. Doesn't it help tickets?

[00:17:24]>> I'll never No, I'll never record a special >> really. I don't think No.

[00:17:27]>> And then what is your new tour of the same material? Have you written a whole new show?

[00:17:30]>> No. No. It's whole new show.

[00:17:32]>> That's crazy.

[00:17:32]>> Yeah. Yeah. Whole new show will never be filmed. Um I want to keep it live.

[00:17:38]There'll be no evidence of it. So you got to see it live.

[00:17:41]>> Really? That's like Daniel Kitson does that, doesn't it?

[00:17:43]>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean it sounds like >> Netflix come Jamie and pretentious. 3 million for a special.

[00:17:51]>> Um £3 million.

[00:17:53]>> Yeah.

[00:17:54]>> Uh I'd have to say yes.

[00:17:56]>> Yeah.

[00:17:57]>> But I still don't like the [ __ ] cuz I the thing is I will never watch a special. So I'd feel >> like a cheat to put one out. You know what I mean? I'd never watch a I'd never watch even the best comedians in the world. I won't watch a Bill Burr special. I'd watch in the room obviously, but I I I wouldn't I don't want to put some out that I wouldn't watch.

[00:18:19]>> Yeah.

[00:18:20]>> Do you know what I mean? I'd like to be in the room.

[00:18:21]>> But you not need it to sell more tickets.

[00:18:24]>> I don't care.

[00:18:25]>> Yeah.

[00:18:25]>> I'd rather >> stay in the same Yeah. But then you're moving into bigger rooms anyway.

[00:18:29]>> Yeah. I don't That's not >> And what's that? Your podcast then is where they're coming.

[00:18:33]>> Yeah. Yeah. So I still have like an online presence from pod clips and that.

[00:18:37]>> Um but I I think standup's a live thing and should be live. Yeah.

[00:18:43]>> And to be honest, it's has like an adverse effect cuz there's so many specials out there and there great specials, don't get me wrong. Great comics specials out. I'm not [ __ ] on them.

[00:18:53]>> But it kind of has like I'm the one who hasn't got a special so you got to go and see him live. So it kind of >> But then no one can show you to mate.

[00:19:01]What happens if you die? We won't have any of your work.

[00:19:03]>> Don't matter.

[00:19:04]>> Had to have been there.

[00:19:04]>> Doesn't matter.

[00:19:05]>> It'll be like a fight.

[00:19:08]>> I don't want any record of me, mate.

[00:19:10]>> Yeah. Yeah.

[00:19:10]>> Embarrassing. Yeah, but then we have to pod class.

[00:19:14]>> Embarrassing. I know. It's too much, isn't it?

[00:19:15]>> Yeah.

[00:19:15]>> It's too much of me already.

[00:19:18]>> How many hours do you reckon of you out there?

[00:19:19]>> Oh, embarrassing all. I do I do three pods a week. I've done about 500 episodes of the pod.

[00:19:25]>> What is that? You do three hot water grooming podcasts?

[00:19:27]>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:19:28]>> Why three?

[00:19:29]>> So, we have a guest episode.

[00:19:32]>> Mhm.

[00:19:32]>> Then we have a patron episode. And then we have a live in front of an audience episode for like 200 people every week.

[00:19:39]>> So, that's weekly. three episodes every week.

[00:19:42]>> So, there's a lot there's a there's a lot of >> consumption there.

[00:19:46]>> Um, but >> so much >> but I'd like the standup to be a bit for me and a bit live and come and be in the room with me. Don't watch it on YouTube.

[00:19:56]It don't it don't I don't think my show as well translates.

[00:20:00]>> Why not? I don't think it translate cuz Adam saw last night it's sort of controlled chaos the show >> but every show is unique it is it's obviously the same material but there will be elements that is for the room that night >> what just crowd work stuff like that >> yeah not even crowd work in terms of speaking to the crowd but like I might lick someone >> okay yeah that wouldn't work on YouTube that you I think I don't want to be overestimating here, but I think Adam can attest. I think I could be Britain's only 5D comedian.

[00:20:40]>> Yes. Did you lick someone last night?

[00:20:43]>> Well, they smelt me.

[00:20:44]>> Did they smell you? You They didn't get licked then.

[00:20:47]>> No. No. No licking.

[00:20:48]>> That sounds better.

[00:20:49]>> Didn't deserve it.

[00:20:50]>> No. Have you licked someone yet?

[00:20:52]>> That's the first night, so you don't know.

[00:20:53]>> Yeah. Many. Yeah. Yeah. I've suckled.

[00:20:55]They suckle me sometimes.

[00:20:58]>> Who does this? your fans.

[00:21:00]>> The Yeah. The front row. Yeah. They may they may suckle >> suckle on me like a >> like a pig.

[00:21:06]>> Pig. Yeah.

[00:21:10]>> Are they up for this then?

[00:21:12]>> Cuz you can get in trouble for that. I think licking someone at a gig would be >> No.

[00:21:16]>> No. They got to sign a consent form when they walk in.

[00:21:19]>> No. They just like listen, you pay your money, take your chance. It's only 20 quid.

[00:21:23]>> Yeah.

[00:21:23]>> Yeah. You might get licked.

[00:21:24]>> Yeah.

[00:21:25]>> You know, we're going to do goian.

[00:21:27]>> Yeah. Yeah.

[00:21:31]Stop watching standup specials, man.

[00:21:33]>> There's a lot of them, aren't there?

[00:21:34]Everyone has made one.

[00:21:35]>> Just come out. Just come out, man.

[00:21:37]>> I've got one. Adam's probably got one.

[00:21:40]He doesn't even do stand up.

[00:21:42]>> No, I don't know. Yeah, it's sort of a weird thing now, especially I think every >> Do you feel pressured to do one?

[00:21:46]>> Yeah, I want to see one. I actually want it out there because it's I want to move on with the material.

[00:21:52]>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:21:52]>> But also, it's just a good thing to have that people can go, oh, >> yeah. Yeah. So you kind of it sits there and works >> while you're not, you know.

[00:22:00]>> I absolutely see >> if the right person, you know, goes, "Oh, I sent it to my cousin. He lives in Australia when I'm on tour." You know, it's that sort of thing.

[00:22:07]>> I I I fully acknowledge him at the moment.

[00:22:10]>> Is Paul Smith's not got a special out?

[00:22:12]Does he? He's so um >> I think so. He might.

[00:22:14]>> Oh, does he?

[00:22:15]>> I think he might do. Yeah, >> he he had one ages ago with Hot Water, actually. I think that was more of a DV.

[00:22:18]I can't remember. But >> he's like because Hank was going for ages, wasn't he, Paul? Yeah.

[00:22:25]>> And then Hot Water started filming >> like a resident MC there.

[00:22:29]>> Yeah. And now he what he's he was doing like arenas in New Zealand and stuff.

[00:22:33]>> Yeah. It's I think he's he must be like second or third behind >> maybe like Peter Cake, Kevin Bridges, Ricky Ja. He sort of >> Yeah, that sort of echelon, you know.

[00:22:45]>> Yeah.

[00:22:46]>> But not as >> he's got two McLarens.

[00:22:49]>> Yeah. It's crazy, man.

[00:22:50]>> I saw for Christmas he got his and hers.

[00:22:52][ __ ] he's he's also the nicest guy in the world, man.

[00:22:58]>> Yeah. And what was he like? He was like 43 or something when it all went crazy.

[00:23:02]>> Yeah. Yeah. Early 40s, I think. Yeah.

[00:23:04]>> He's doing stand up. The weird thing about crowd work clips is I would never have thought to put one online cuz I would have gone, well, they just won't work and they're the most successful things you could put out.

[00:23:13]>> Yeah.

[00:23:14]>> So, would you not do that or anything?

[00:23:16]>> Well, I have cuz we do a live pod. Yeah.

[00:23:18]>> We have like live pod clips. So it's still bit of interaction.

[00:23:23]>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:23:24]>> But it's not a traditional stand like what do you do for a living blah blah blah. It's not like sort of stand up crowd work clip. It's more like do you want to lick me?

[00:23:33]>> Yeah. Okay.

[00:23:34]>> Can I lick you sort of stuff?

[00:23:36]>> What you do on the pod?

[00:23:37]>> Yeah. Quite lick heavy.

[00:23:39]>> Yeah. And does you what guy could you do a podcast with?

[00:23:42]>> Tony. Tony.

[00:23:43]>> Does he ever licked you?

[00:23:44]>> No, he don't.

[00:23:45]>> We're working up to that.

[00:23:47]>> Yeah. Four years. We're getting round to it.

[00:23:49]>> Yeah. Yeah. cuz Liverpool's massive now and like comedy wise there's so many people from the it feels like no it doesn't really matter where you live now >> no and I think uh I don't want to get like old man shouts at cloud but I think some of these new acts mate >> don't [ __ ] they're not ready for trench warfare what I mean >> no why would you mean >> put your camera away and go do a [ __ ] working men's club and get battered or something >> yeah yeah >> do you know what I mean just be [ __ ] >> well there's a lot of people who now will get booked cuz they got a big online following, but it doesn't actually mean >> Yeah. It don't always >> It's not the same thing.

[00:24:24]>> It don't always translate. And fair enough, you [ __ ] skipping a few steps. But I think there's a there's a beauty in um being [ __ ] in a working men's club where everyone hates you.

[00:24:34]>> Mhm.

[00:24:34]>> It's good it was a right of passage.

[00:24:36]>> It's good in it. One, >> you got to have it.

[00:24:38]>> It is good in it.

[00:24:39]>> Do you ever do Edinburgh? You didn't do that, did you?

[00:24:41]>> N debut.

[00:24:44]>> No. No. No. None of that. I I I don't like competitive comedy, man. This sort of I've been up there. I've done like compilation shows and I've been with people who are I've been out for drinks with people and looking over your shoulder and oh, there's ex agent and >> all Yeah. What in the love bar?

[00:25:04]>> Yeah. Thingy comment. I can't I can't do any of that. And then seeing mates like >> depressed over a twostar review off a drama student like why you ask what you say?

[00:25:16]>> If he gave me a two star review I'd bang him out.

[00:25:19]>> I had one where my mic didn't work.

[00:25:21]>> So I had to do it without the mic and he said in the review was like oh there's a few issues with the show.

[00:25:26]>> He didn't say his mic didn't work or you know what I mean. It's kind of like crazy.

[00:25:30]>> Yeah. But who are you?

[00:25:31]>> I know >> you're a secondy year media student.

[00:25:33]Come and do Twitter. Come and do Tw now.

[00:25:36]Follow me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:25:38]>> I'm not If I went to Edinburgh and some Gobshot gave me two star review, I'd have to I'd have to have a fight with him.

[00:25:43]>> Kill him.

[00:25:44]>> What about Steve Bennett >> on street on the on site, lad? On site.

[00:25:50]>> There's good Edinburgh's funny cuz there's always meltdowns when the nominations get announced. There's always some people who thought they were going to get it and then don't.

[00:25:58]>> Yeah. And like I just like the competitive nature of it.

[00:26:02]>> It's a funny place. So I remember in I did so you think you're funny the competition and that year Louis CK was in Edinburgh.

[00:26:10]>> Yeah.

[00:26:10]>> And so they put on a party from the loft bar and the whole thing everyone was talking about the wanking.

[00:26:16]>> So I was hearing at open mic nights I was doing you know so everyone knew >> but no one gave a [ __ ] Everyone wanted to get to this party. I remember trying to walk with this guy, a comedian, to get into the party and I didn't have the right wristband so I could get in. He didn't even look around. He just went straight in. It was like I I need to be in there.

[00:26:37]>> Yeah.

[00:26:37]>> And then when uh the whole when >> shocks, man.

[00:26:40]>> I know. When it all went public about Lukim included tweets, >> this is a [ __ ] disgrace. You were literally slithering into his party four years ago, two years ago.

[00:26:51]>> You see the shark eyes of people, man.

[00:26:53]>> Yeah. Well, Edmma is a business, isn't it? It's a big business.

[00:26:56]>> Yeah. I I just I just I don't I can't I don't I just don't abide by >> It doesn't do well for the >> Maybe I'm too uh too much a romantic view of it, but it's just not a competitive thing for me. Stand up.

[00:27:08]>> No, >> it's it's >> you the audience. No cameras.

[00:27:12]>> No cameras. No reviewers, just licks.

[00:27:16]>> That's why you can't have reviewers in or have it filmed cuz you're just assaulting people.

[00:27:22]You're trying to make out is this romantic thing like nists.

[00:27:27]That's a claim.

[00:27:29]>> What um what's your morning routine then Jamie?

[00:27:32]>> I've started trying to get up early.

[00:27:35]>> Well, it's early like 9 10.

[00:27:37]>> Okay.

[00:27:39]>> I think cuz I got a girlfriend and that there sort of like uh I don't know. Do you have a go? Do you have a wife? Yeah.

[00:27:45]You have a wife? Um do you feel like >> you're playing a role sometimes? No.

[00:27:52]Well, that's all.

[00:27:53]>> Do not feel you.

[00:27:54]>> I am me. You know, >> I feel sometimes like >> this is >> Well, you're pretending to be good, Jamie.

[00:28:00]>> I'm the normal thing to do now is to get up and have a conversation with me girlfriend and have poached eggs and that.

[00:28:06]>> Yeah.

[00:28:06]>> When really I don't want to do that.

[00:28:08]>> No. What do you want to do?

[00:28:08]>> Well, lick people.

[00:28:09]>> Yeah. You just want to be out there licking.

[00:28:11]>> Licking people like strangers on.

[00:28:15]>> I just don't want I don't >> How long you been with her then?

[00:28:18]>> Two and a half. Three years.

[00:28:19]>> So, what was pre her? And then let's do both. What's the difference?

[00:28:23]>> I was sleeping on a [ __ ] I was sleeping before I met her. I slept sleeping on a mattress I was conceived on.

[00:28:30]>> Okay. So, and your mom said this is where you were conceived.

[00:28:33]>> My nana's bedroom. So, my nana was terminal and I moved in like careful and that >> and she was [ __ ] still alive 6 weeks later. I [ __ ] know what I mean. He said it's terminal here.

[00:28:44]>> Yeah. Yeah.

[00:28:45]>> Going on here, lad. I mean, [ __ ] six weeks. And we got her a doorbell.

[00:28:49]>> Mhm. I was like ring. So she rang if she needs her ass wiping and that.

[00:28:53]>> Mhm.

[00:28:54]>> So I just kept in a box room and uh just an old knackered bed and it just had a big dip in the middle >> and uh it was a dead old mattress. It was a [ __ ] mattress been for years and yeah I used to shag your dad on that. So it's the mattress I was conceived on and then met Lauren and just like had to move in with her. Did you bring the mattress?

[00:29:20]>> It bring the mattress. But it's there though. So So >> really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:29:25]Yeah. Yeah.

[00:29:25]>> And there's curtains there. I used to want you come on it.

[00:29:30]>> Um I used to have me come on the curtains.

[00:29:33]>> Yeah. A lot of Jamie in this room, isn't there?

[00:29:35]>> But the curtains are that old.

[00:29:37]>> It's got probably like three generations of seaman.

[00:29:41]>> Yeah. Imagine if they all combined. I think there's there's there's parts of me dad and uncles >> possibly granddad pre-stroke.

[00:29:51]>> Yeah.

[00:29:52]>> Maybe nano.

[00:29:53]>> Mhm.

[00:29:54]>> But there's lots of ectopplasm on those curtains. Yeah.

[00:29:59]>> I've never been washed since like 84.

[00:30:02]>> [ __ ] hell.

[00:30:03]>> 85.

[00:30:05]>> Is this where Dr. Catford lives as well?

[00:30:07]>> That's where Dr. Catford did his appointment. Yeah.

[00:30:10]>> Really? Yeah. Yeah.

[00:30:15]Right. But what was the routine? So you just get up, you you'd wake up in the bed you conceived in, wank in the curtain that your uncle also wanked on.

[00:30:23]>> Well, one call me belly on.

[00:30:24]>> This is a good start to the day.

[00:30:26]>> Positive.

[00:30:27]>> Yeah. Uh downstairs, see if there's any arguments going on.

[00:30:34]>> Yeah.

[00:30:34]>> What for done? If I'm hung over. Yeah.

[00:30:37]Like wake up. It depends if I'm hung over. Okay. Different. How often was that?

[00:30:42]>> Quite often. Yeah. I was drink I was caning it quite a bit back then.

[00:30:47]Um so I'd wake but I'd like I'd black out sort of thing in bed >> quite often. Black out. I'd have a sip of a drink and wake up and >> you know and me >> that's never happened to me. I don't know what would you just wouldn't remember a thing.

[00:31:00]>> I have a sip of a drink and I'd wake up.

[00:31:02]>> Really? Well clearly having way more drinks but you just don't remember.

[00:31:06]>> In my head I'd have a sip of a drink and wake up.

[00:31:08]>> No. Where? Just somewhere else.

[00:31:09]>> Yeah. to my uh different cities sometimes.

[00:31:12]>> [ __ ] hell. Really?

[00:31:14]>> No recollection. But >> And when did that last happen to you?

[00:31:17]>> Um it happened when uh and me girlfriend told me the day after I blacked out. So I just woke up at home. So [ __ ] sake. I blacked out. So no, she's fuming. And uh she told me I I refused to get out the taxi.

[00:31:33]>> I refused to get out the taxi. It was like 6:00 in the morning and she was like, "Come on, please. Come on, come in. I went, "No, I'm not coming out the taxi until you say you're not going to be mad at me tomorrow.

[00:31:46]I I promise I won't be mad." And I made her send the taxi driver 100 quid.

[00:31:50]>> Why?

[00:31:51]>> Tip.

[00:31:52]>> Oh god.

[00:31:54]>> Send smashed.

[00:31:55]>> Send him 100 quid.

[00:31:56]>> And how long is he? How far taken you?

[00:31:59]>> An hour.

[00:32:00]>> He must have been over the moon.

[00:32:01]>> Yeah. Send >> taxi. Where where are you? Manchester.

[00:32:04]>> No, I'm that.

[00:32:05]>> But what? You've been out somewhere >> in Liverpool. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Is it a nightmare getting home then when you're pissed?

[00:32:10]>> Uh, I can just be a nuisance.

[00:32:12]>> Okay.

[00:32:13]>> I can be a nuisance. I'm a I'm a really odd drunk when I can >> I get very drunk quite quickly.

[00:32:21]>> Okay.

[00:32:21]>> And I will stay. But I am comosed.

[00:32:26]>> But you'll stay out.

[00:32:27]>> Yeah. I I'm I'm I'm not there though.

[00:32:31]>> Yeah.

[00:32:31]>> But I will not go home.

[00:32:34]I'm quite >> I have a mate who he gets really drunk, but he's still completely mobile, which is actually to his detriment, but he stops being able to talk.

[00:32:41]>> So, you see him at a party and he manages to show every cuz he moves around so much.

[00:32:46]>> Yeah. Yeah.

[00:32:46]>> It's actually worse cuz he sort of the damage gets spread across the whole place.

[00:32:50]>> Yeah. Just black out.

[00:32:52]>> Well, and so what would you like? You just sit around table blacked out.

[00:32:54]>> Black out. Yeah. just and then trying to get what happened yesterday to me. But I have to like has to be preambled with like you have to know not to hurt my feelings now. You have to say I'm a nice man.

[00:33:10]>> When you're drunk?

[00:33:11]>> Yeah. I'm over the top nice.

[00:33:13]>> Oh well, you're nice to people compliments.

[00:33:17]Yeah, but quite patronized and I think I'll message Jackson go you're the most underrated act on the circuit and >> yeah, >> underrated is a weird one because that's basically going everyone thinks you're [ __ ] about me.

[00:33:31]>> I am.

[00:33:33]>> What do you Who do you have you actually sent out DMs like that?

[00:33:36]>> Yeah, I send Yeah. Yeah. Not Not even >> Are they Do you mean them? Are you on drugs when you're doing this? Yeah, I've been Yeah, but when I was back on like uh a few years ago, like having cold quite a bit.

[00:33:48]>> Yeah.

[00:33:49]>> And maybe pills.

[00:33:50]>> And you're like, you're the best. You're you're Richard Prior the third.

[00:33:54]>> Yeah. But not not even the stand up, though. But even like call centers.

[00:33:59]>> Well, in the post office, >> like you're you're sick of retention, man.

[00:34:02]>> That's so funny.

[00:34:03]>> You're sick of retention, man.

[00:34:04]>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No one No one delivers letters like you're the best postman I've ever seen.

[00:34:10]I did it. I used to bring cars like car insurance.

[00:34:12]>> Well, you'd ring them up.

[00:34:14]>> No, I'd say to my colleagues like you're [ __ ] meant at selling breakdown cover.

[00:34:18]>> Oh, okay. Is that where you work?

[00:34:20]Breakdown cover.

[00:34:21]>> Yeah. Yeah.

[00:34:21]>> Well, you were in a call center.

[00:34:22]>> Yeah, man.

[00:34:23]>> I've done that as [ __ ] isn't it?

[00:34:25]>> Yeah, I I used to cuz there's quite a bit of a circuit in Manchester of uh call centers.

[00:34:31]>> Yeah. And what a lot of comics in them.

[00:34:33]>> Yeah, there's a few. Yeah. But um when uh when you start it's sort of like prison where you're like oh serve with him at [ __ ] >> oh yes and then there was a bit of a racket going on when I was on um the [ __ ] job seekers >> where you get in a call center job you get six weeks training a lot of these places six weeks doss >> then get your JSA as well. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:35:02]Yeah. It >> was a decent little >> I worked there was a woman next to me >> and she had the same sales pitch every time. So you'd listen to it 9 to5 every day over and over because obviously everyone hangs up after 5 seconds.

[00:35:15]>> So she'd go, "Hi, my name's Valerie."

[00:35:17]You know, like the Amy Wine House song.

[00:35:20]Hi, my name's Valerie. You know, like the Amy Wine House. I just It was over and over and over again. You think you listen to that song now?

[00:35:28]>> What? Valerie, it was number one at the time. You know, she was clearly thought this is going to be my way in. I don't know how people do it because it's I didn't manage to sell I think I sold one thing. I never actually managed to get anything.

[00:35:40]>> Yeah.

[00:35:40]>> I did a door I did doortodoor flower salesman which is even worse than call center cuz you got you got to look at them >> and they just look at you they don't want anything and they did want them they would have bought them >> day.

[00:35:51]>> Yeah. you know, >> and they would have bought flower. Like it's just this sort of >> I think people get like the problem with those jobs is the only people that you actually get are either quite mentally ill or really old.

[00:36:03]>> Yeah.

[00:36:03]>> I had it with a flower one. This woman was like, I want flowers, but she was gone and he lived in this mansion and I was going to sign her up, but I just thought, God, the only reason, you know, there's just suddenly going to be a whole stack of flowers outside her house when she unfortunately eventually passes away. That's how they'll know. She literally was like gra would go grab a driving license and go here's my card and I was like this isn't and she wouldn't let me go. So she sort of sat there with this >> vulnerable company in it.

[00:36:33]>> Yeah. Anyone to be there and I spoke to a guy afterward one of the superiors and I was like yeah she was too sort of gone for me to take her details. He was like just do it anyway.

[00:36:41]>> Yeah it's ruthless game.

[00:36:42]>> That's what they want.

[00:36:44]>> Ruthless game. I worked for a proper dodgy company, >> Mimi.

[00:36:48]>> Um, debt management and like PPI and that during that boom was going on like 2012.

[00:36:53]>> Yeah.

[00:36:54]>> Um, and they did uh the debt management.

[00:36:57]So, say you've got like 10 grand worth debt.

[00:37:00]>> Mhm.

[00:37:01]>> You got five grand back the card, three grand with Lloyd CSB, your blah blah blah.

[00:37:06]>> You pay 100 quid a month and then we sort we >> divide that into your creditors so you don't have to deal with it. We we're like a buffer to deal with >> say we they but I was part of the team.

[00:37:18]>> So we get all the money in and then we send all the money out to the credits on the first of the month >> like a payment run.

[00:37:25]>> So on the first of the month and every year when they got all the money in from November they spent it on the Christmas due all these people paying the debts off.

[00:37:36]>> It just went towards the Christmas due.

[00:37:39]>> Okay. In January, we'd write to the creditors and say, "Oh, yeah, Mr. Smith couldn't afford to pay this month because of Christmas and stuff, but we're back on it now."

[00:37:50]>> Just cuz they're not contacting the customer.

[00:37:53]>> We're just lying.

[00:37:54]>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:37:55]>> I'm stealing money to pay for a Christmas dinner. [ __ ] [ __ ] rude. I wanted to do pan me.

[00:38:01]>> Yeah. How was the Christmas due though?

[00:38:02]>> I didn't go.

[00:38:03]>> Why not?

[00:38:03]>> I didn't go out when I found it was minging.

[00:38:06]>> Yeah. Yeah. Rank.

[00:38:07]>> Yeah. I didn't like the I left when I found that out.

[00:38:10]>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's horrible.

[00:38:11]>> I left.

[00:38:12]>> What else have you worked at?

[00:38:14]>> Just loads of different [ __ ] cause energ.

[00:38:16]>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:38:19]>> And I used to work in a dementia center.

[00:38:21]>> Oh, >> I used to write people's life stories actually.

[00:38:24]>> Well, for them cuz they'd forgotten.

[00:38:26]>> Yeah. Well, not >> you could be mean. You go. You were a n cuz I forgot per se, but like uh we used to have like a a 50s style living room to like way do you remember [ __ ] heartbeat and that?

[00:38:39]>> Yeah.

[00:38:39]>> Um foils war and all that [ __ ] So we'd sit with like some dementia guy or woman.

[00:38:49]They'd get their daughter in or son and they'd bring their photos in >> and then I'd scan them into this thing and then we'd do an autobiography for them and then give it to the family for when they pass away. It's like an autobiography. So, >> u Malcolm born 1936 and stuff and he got evacuated in the war and I scan photos of him in like some countryside uh and then I make it I I'd articulate what they say as an autobiographer.

[00:39:21]>> Yeah. I had this one woman um and she came in with her daughter and so one week we do like you know you sorry if your wedding and your kids and then one week was doing the working life brought in loads of pictures she was a uh a teacher at a nursery for 30 years.

[00:39:43]>> Mhm.

[00:39:44]>> She was like 64 till 94.

[00:39:47]>> Yeah.

[00:39:48]>> It was Behive Nursery. And I I went, "Oh, I went to be hive, but it was probably it was probably after you after you retired, E full and that." And she got all the pictures in and she's got a picture of her on a leaving day cutting into a cake and I'm right next to her as a babysitter.

[00:40:05]>> No way.

[00:40:05]>> Yeah, it was mad.

[00:40:06]>> That's f You're just a baby.

[00:40:08]>> I was a baby on me. I was like, >> that's [ __ ] I was doing a life story.

[00:40:12]It was mad.

[00:40:13]>> No way.

[00:40:14]>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then we >> How old was she in that photo then?

[00:40:18]like 55 60.

[00:40:21]>> She was probably like late 80s >> uh when I was doing the live story. So she was she was my first ever nursery teacher and I was her last ever carer.

[00:40:31]>> That's crazy.

[00:40:32]>> It was it was like this is >> the passing of time. That is the weird.

[00:40:38]>> Yeah.

[00:40:38]>> That would be your last.

[00:40:39]>> And then we got me mom in talking about Oh yeah. Yeah. F. I didn't know she went to that dementia home and that I thought she'd already passed on.

[00:40:49]And then uh we got me mom I got me mom in and we recreate the picture. So I sat my mom's knee as like a 25year-old and cutting a cake again. So we recreated it. That was >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And how bad would would she remember that or was it just sort of >> Yeah. I mean to an extent I mean it's very much >> Yeah. sort of analogy I use is like a bookshelf.

[00:41:11]>> Yeah. Do you know like some of the books get disorganized a little bit but the the core memories still there? They just get a bit >> discombobulated but uh yeah the they were still there so she remembered it to an extent and stuff and maybe got confused with me and things like that but the core memory was there.

[00:41:29]>> How long did you work there for?

[00:41:31]>> I worked there for about a year or so.

[00:41:33]Two months. Yeah.

[00:41:34]>> Is it true they've all got chlamydia?

[00:41:37]>> Um I don't know. That [ __ ] shaggers, mate.

[00:41:41]>> Yeah, that's what I heard.

[00:41:43]>> Very high rate of sexually transmitted diseases and old people.

[00:41:46]>> Yeah, he was having um he had like a group therapy thing, like occupational therapy. So, I was talking about sex and that >> Oh, god.

[00:41:55]>> And uh Erica was a countdown champion.

[00:41:58]Erica.

[00:41:58]>> Oh, really?

[00:41:59]>> Yeah. Big time, mate.

[00:42:00]>> Yeah.

[00:42:01]>> She was sick at anagrams, bro.

[00:42:02]>> Yeah. Yeah.

[00:42:03]>> Never seen anything like it in my life, lad.

[00:42:05]>> Well, what would you do?

[00:42:06]>> She was just sick at anagram. She just saw words differently, man. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:42:09]Okay.

[00:42:09]>> She was just that one with letters.

[00:42:11]>> Yeah.

[00:42:12]>> Decent at numbers, but letters >> letters were a thing.

[00:42:14]>> Honestly, you used to play Scrabble over like n you dumb letter.

[00:42:17]>> Yeah.

[00:42:18]>> I'm decent at Scrabble. Really?

[00:42:20]>> Yeah. But she's >> How did you play a lot?

[00:42:22]>> I used to play I used to I met a girl on online scrabble. Me.

[00:42:26]>> Really?

[00:42:26]>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:42:27]>> I think that's the first time that's ever happened to anyone.

[00:42:29]>> I went on a date with a girl from online scrabble.

[00:42:31]>> That's what you do. You want women go on online scramble?

[00:42:33]>> Yeah. And then I met up with her cuz we used to have like >> Did it go well?

[00:42:37]>> It was all right. It was all right for like a Scrabble date like >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Did you play?

[00:42:41]>> Yeah.

[00:42:42]>> I played online. Yeah. Quite a bit.

[00:42:45]>> Um >> No, but with her.

[00:42:47]>> Yeah, that's what me I just met.

[00:42:48]>> And once you start messing >> just playing random, you're good at this.

[00:42:52]>> And then we just had game after game after game after game after game.

[00:42:56]>> Really?

[00:42:56]>> And then we just got chatting on the Scrabble chat format.

[00:43:00]>> Yeah.

[00:43:01]>> And then we went, "Oh, yeah. Meet up and that." And then we met up and had a date.

[00:43:05]>> Well, it wasn't meant to be. wasn't meant to be. But, you know, not every thing that ends doesn't mean it went bad. It was >> No, I know what you mean. But that's usually if you sort of It's such a strange scenario that usually think it would end in >> Yeah.

[00:43:19]>> in a wedding or a murder.

[00:43:22]>> Yeah. I would lick.

[00:43:23]>> Yeah. That the lick would have been most likely.

[00:43:25]>> Um, yeah. I just like, "Yeah, let's [ __ ] do it. Let's go on a date once."

[00:43:29]>> Yeah. What What would What would your red talk be?

[00:43:32]>> Red talk?

[00:43:33]>> Yeah. What's an idea you want to share with the world? I I used to play Dragons Den.

[00:43:39]>> Mhm.

[00:43:40]>> With myself in the shower.

[00:43:42]>> You play Dragons Den alone in the shower?

[00:43:44]>> Yeah.

[00:43:44]>> Okay.

[00:43:45]>> So, I I have a >> How does this work?

[00:43:48]>> So, I have a big fantasy that I'm an orphan.

[00:43:50]>> Okay.

[00:43:52]>> 16 years old. Yeah.

[00:43:53]>> I go in Dragon's Den.

[00:43:55]>> Why do you have a fantasy you're an orphan? What's the What?

[00:43:57]>> I don't know. I love Dickens.

[00:43:59]>> Okay. And you don't hate your parents?

[00:44:01]>> Don't hate my parents, but I just like the overcoming adversary. The idea that Jamie >> twist >> great expectations >> very often Harry Potter.

[00:44:13]>> Yeah.

[00:44:14]>> Touring orphan though like proper Oliver Twist often. You know what I mean? Like batted over Gr and that.

[00:44:19]>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:44:20]>> Um and I uh I like to think of myself going on Dragons then at 16 >> and like uh hi dragons. You know, I've got this invention called the Transmate.

[00:44:32]And the Transmate is cuz I had a pen pal from Spain.

[00:44:36]>> Okay.

[00:44:36]>> And I created this like artificial intelligence where I can speak into it and it translates it to Spanish. And I know that's a thing now, but it wasn't in when I was playing orphan.

[00:44:46]>> Ah, okay. When do you think this idea up?

[00:44:50]>> I must have been about Twitter.

[00:44:52]>> So maybe it was a >> You reckon someone might have been walking past your shower? What the [ __ ] is going There's a genius in there.

[00:44:58]>> And then Peter Jones is like, um, you're incredible.

[00:45:04]>> Yeah.

[00:45:05]>> And he he goes, I'm going to speak to you like you, you know, we don't patronize. He don't like you ruffle me hair.

[00:45:14]>> He's saying he's asking me real business questions like my projected revenue and stuff. And I've got all the answers and that. Yeah.

[00:45:20]>> And he goes, "Oh, your parents must be so proud." And I got >> unfortunately passed away, but I don't want it to define me. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:45:26]>> Of course it [ __ ] defines [ __ ] does define >> and it's like wow. And uh he takes you under his wing and that and then um and then I bring out I bring out uh Ricardo.

[00:45:43]>> Yeah.

[00:45:44]>> Trans mate.

[00:45:45]>> My pen pal.

[00:45:46]>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:45:46]>> The trans mate.

[00:45:48]>> Ricardo.

[00:45:50]What? And you go do you do an example with him?

[00:45:53]>> Yeah. And then we say and then we go we hope for the investment and it's you it does it in Spanish to the >> ah that's a [ __ ] good pitch.

[00:46:00]>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:46:01]>> And what and you go I may not have parents but I've got Ricardo but most importantly I got trans mate. That could be the ad.

[00:46:07]>> And not all I get five offers >> and obviously I want Deborah and Peter.

[00:46:12]>> Mhm.

[00:46:14]>> But he also says I'm going to mentor you.

[00:46:19]>> Yeah.

[00:46:19]>> And that's what I want.

[00:46:20]>> A dad.

[00:46:21]>> I want a father figure. Great >> Jones.

[00:46:24]>> That's Yeah, you start crying on his arms.

[00:46:26]>> I don't cry.

[00:46:27]>> No, >> I'm quite stoic.

[00:46:28]>> Okay.

[00:46:30]>> I don't like again I don't want my uh parents death to define me. I just want to get >> I want to connect the world.

[00:46:37]>> Trans mate.

[00:46:38]>> That's what I say. I want to connect the world.

[00:46:39]>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And what's the projected revenue annually for trans?

[00:46:43]>> I have I've got intellectual property on the technology that translates it >> and our exit plan is to sell to Google in 5 years. Yeah.

[00:46:53]>> And he goes, "You're a genius, aren't you?"

[00:46:59]>> And he goes, "How did you fund it?"

[00:47:02]>> Cuz you think, "Oh, must be a trust fund, baby."

[00:47:04]>> Yeah.

[00:47:05]>> I sold me window cleaning business.

[00:47:08]>> Yeah.

[00:47:08]>> Started out cleaning windows. 13.

[00:47:11]>> Yeah.

[00:47:11]>> Yeah. And then I went, he went, "You what? You sold business 250 grand."

[00:47:15]You're like, "You're only 17, 16." I went, "Yeah, I used to go and I used to clean windows on me estate, but then I thought, hang on a minute, I'm going to go to the city center and clean business windows."

[00:47:29]>> Mhm.

[00:47:30]>> And they go, "Fucking hell, mate." And then I have people working for me and I sold me business to a uh window cleaning conglomerate for quarter of a mill.

[00:47:38]>> Yeah.

[00:47:38]>> I still get 10% royalties, by the way.

[00:47:40]I'm not a [ __ ] >> Yeah. Yeah.

[00:47:43]>> But I'm putting it all into Transmate cuz I want to connect the world.

[00:47:46]>> Yeah. Can I ask why why um would you not be happy with Steven Bartlett accepting your bid?

[00:47:54]>> Well, I'm an OG Dragon Stem.

[00:47:57]>> You don't like Steer?

[00:47:58]>> I remember. Do you remember Woodruff?

[00:48:01]Simon Woodruff?

[00:48:03]>> No, I haven't watched in years. Oh, Dragon Stone back in the day was sick >> cuz now um they're sort of they're very polite in turning them down >> where back in the day they used to go, "You're a prick, lad. What you on about?

[00:48:23]>> What you on about you, mate?

[00:48:26]>> What do you mean you come here with a tap, lad?

[00:48:28]>> You don't need Why do we need taps?"

[00:48:30]>> Yeah. Where's more so Jeremy Carl?

[00:48:33]>> Yeah. And they used to cuz you you scorn.

[00:48:35]>> Well, naughties TV was all like that.

[00:48:38]>> You watch a lot of EastEnders, don't you?

[00:48:39]>> A lot of East Enders.

[00:48:40]>> That was uh But you watched like 80s East Enders.

[00:48:43]>> I watched two things. East Enders and Classic East Enders. I'm in 2006 at the minute.

[00:48:49]>> Yeah.

[00:48:49]>> Get Johnny week.

[00:48:50]>> So, you're going back. What is he?

[00:48:52]What's he called? Johnny.

[00:48:54]>> Johnny Allen.

[00:48:54]>> And he had the daughter Ruby.

[00:48:56]>> Yeah.

[00:48:56]>> And the Mitchell brothers stormed his uh his house there.

[00:49:00]>> Mansion. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:49:01]>> I'm on that episode. I'm on the episode after, you know, where uh Danny has a >> a gun.

[00:49:07]>> I can't I haven't seen this.

[00:49:08]>> Danny has a gun. Yeah, Danny has a gun.

[00:49:10]Yeah.

[00:49:10]>> Um and >> Phil's like crying. He wants to kill Grant in front of Phil. Do you want to like make a point?

[00:49:16]>> Yeah.

[00:49:17]>> And he's seen McFathan. [ __ ] hell, mate. Can we just have a minute to appreciate what we've got in Steve?

[00:49:22]>> Yeah, he's brilliant.

[00:49:23]>> He's [ __ ] superb. And everyone says it's a one trick pony. I've seen him play Hook.

[00:49:28]>> Yeah.

[00:49:29]>> Majestic.

[00:49:30]>> What? In the Panzamine.

[00:49:31]>> Majestic. Was he good?

[00:49:32]>> He was majestic.

[00:49:33]>> What voice did he do?

[00:49:34]>> He He did a better film.

[00:49:37]>> He was [ __ ] brilliant.

[00:49:39]>> Really?

[00:49:40]>> Yeah, >> he was great.

[00:49:42]>> Are you blinded by such a fan?

[00:49:44]>> He was really charismatic. Yeah.

[00:49:45]>> Um I just think he doesn't.

[00:49:47]>> He's good as Phil.

[00:49:47]>> I I just don't think he gets the credit.

[00:49:49]>> Phil's had a lot of And he's not one.

[00:49:50]Phil's been an alcoholic. He's been sober. He's been angry.

[00:49:54]>> He's been in enraged.

[00:49:57]>> There was um >> there was I remember when they came back. Do you remember? Cuz they've been gone.

[00:50:03]>> And it was Johnny Allen. Someone had Peggy up against the wall.

[00:50:07]>> He chaps fingers.

[00:50:08]>> Yeah. And then he comes and they hit him and he goes, "Hello, Mom." Grant did.

[00:50:12]And that was them being back for the first time in years.

[00:50:14]>> That was D. That was Danny who they beat up.

[00:50:16]>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, no northern um dramas than soaps.

[00:50:20]>> Um >> more What is it about East Enders?

[00:50:23]>> I don't know. I just my I think it's >> ingrained in me.

[00:50:28]>> Yeah. Yeah. So when your man was pregnant with me, she used to put a belly on the teller.

[00:50:33]>> Yeah.

[00:50:34]>> When he Yeah.

[00:50:36]>> She used to put belly on the telly when East Enders played.

[00:50:39]>> So you'd be a fan.

[00:50:40]>> She So the theme tune.

[00:50:42]>> Yeah.

[00:50:43]>> And then she was my dad was cuz she thought it was going to be a girl. She went I'm going to make her like the biggest fan. And she used to she used to every time the sender stream tune on she used belly on the sally >> cuz that's so some parents go on >> so I drive they play Mozart >> play Mozart to make a kid more intelligent.

[00:51:02]>> I do a bit.

[00:51:02]>> And now with Eastenders if you play that to a baby they just become an East Enders fan >> I think. So yeah >> that's it.

[00:51:07]>> I think so.

[00:51:09]>> And when do you start going back? Why why do you like going back so much?

[00:51:13]um sort of uh reminiscence thing comfort >> is that do no obviously BBC no adverts but even the old you mean seen like remember the old channel 4 thing that would come up and stuff like that I used to watch East standards after top of the box >> do you know what I love what's also gone now >> as well as photographs >> I I I watch old v I still watch things of this ilk >> breaking news >> okay Yeah.

[00:51:43]>> Joel like a >> 30-year-old breaking news.

[00:51:45]>> Dermit Mahan.

[00:51:47]>> Yeah.

[00:51:47]>> Telling us Diana's dead.

[00:51:49]>> Yeah. Well, you watch that again.

[00:51:52]>> Diana, the Princess of Wales has passed away.

[00:51:56]>> Yeah.

[00:51:57]>> Breaking news.

[00:51:58]>> And you go, "Oh, but you know, >> cuz it's all it's instant. It's at our fingertips now."

[00:52:03]>> Yeah. But I want [ __ ] I want Derma Mahan.

[00:52:06]>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:52:07]Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:52:08]>> The way he lives it, the stato.

[00:52:11]>> Yeah.

[00:52:12]real real appreciation for the severity of the news.

[00:52:18]>> Yeah, >> it's massive. But he's saying it's so tender. Like, yeah, this is massive. I know, >> but I'm not going to It's not going to be hyperbolic.

[00:52:26]>> Yeah, >> we're getting through this together.

[00:52:28]We're in Choppy Seas right now. And I'm Dermit Mahan and I'm your raft.

[00:52:36]>> Well, on that bombshell, Jamie Hudson, plug your tour. Where can we see you?

[00:52:40]Yeah, J, >> you're fraud. You're licky fraud.

[00:52:43]>> I'm a licky fraud. But if you like being licked and derm.

[00:52:48]>> Yeah.

[00:52:49]>> Uh jh comedian.com. I'm doing like 60 days. I'm all over the country. So I I'll be hopefully in a city near you.

[00:52:56]>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it's can I bring my mate?

[00:52:58]>> Can I bring Can my mate come?

[00:53:01]>> Yeah. Yeah, that's it. Yeah.

[00:53:02]>> And also check out my podcast Green Room. Um hopefully Red will be a guest.

[00:53:06]>> Yes. Very soon. Um, >> we nearly done it twice, but we had to.

[00:53:10]Trains were >> delayed. Yeah.

[00:53:11]>> Actually, I remember I was on tour in Liverpool and you couldn't come. You said, "My nan's dead." And he went, "Just kidding. I'm hung over."

[00:53:18]>> So, thanks for coming on. Good to have you here. Cheers, mate.

[00:53:21]>> Yeah. Cheers, one. See you soon.