E70 BREADCRUMBING: HOW THE UNFAITHFUL CREATE A TRAUMA BOND THAT KEEPS THE BETRAYED POWERLESS TO HEAL

Added: 2026-06-03

[00:00:09]Hi everybody and welcome back to Ask the Unfaithful. It's a joy to be with you again. James, how are you today?

[00:00:15]>> I am well, thank you. Sam, how are you?

[00:00:18]>> I'm doing good. I'm on the road. So for the viewing audience, I apologize. My background is not my normal, but it doesn't really matter. I'm just a host here in the world of James. So today we're talking about a very interesting yet controversial topic.

[00:00:36]We're talking about breadcrumbming and we're titling this breadcrumbming, the most damaging way the unfaithful keeps the betrayed under their thumb.

[00:00:47]Now we have to unpack this because it is a bit of a polarizing title. So, it's important that the audience understand that you're going to break some things down. I'm going to support you as you do this because the unfaithful doesn't always know that they're doing this. Is that a fair statement?

[00:01:07]>> That is a fair statement. It is unconscious until it's made conscious.

[00:01:12]And that's really mostly what we try to do here. So that then things that are maybe not viewed as choices become choices. so that we can actually rebuild our relationships, which is what we're trying to help people with.

[00:01:31]>> And this is a pattern that happens pretty frequently, especially in the intensives that you do. And in my case, load, it is definitely a pattern that I see all the time.

[00:01:41]>> You're right. It is a pattern that we see all the time. And honestly, like we were just saying, most unfaithful partners don't even recognize it and often don't realize they're doing it.

[00:01:51]And because they don't see it, they tend to keep repeating it. But it is one of the most destabilizing things that we can do to the betrayed. And you've already put it out there in the title.

[00:02:01]It's called breadcrumbming.

[00:02:03]So what is that? Basically, if we break it down really simply, we as the unfaithful show up, there's a really good conversation.

[00:02:13]We both feel connected again. Maybe there's insight. Maybe there's some emotion shared. And then the next day or even the same day, we end up going distant. We shut down. Uh we go back to avoiding. To sum that up, we have a connective conversation, then nothing.

[00:02:32]We make an apology with no follow through. We have a moment of connection that then disappears. And that isn't about one bad moment. It's about a pattern.

[00:02:43]>> And yeah, exactly. That pattern keeps our partner emotionally hooked, but it never actually lets them feel safe.

[00:02:52]So, in essence, if I sum that up, breadcrumbming keeps the betrayed attached to potential, not to reality.

[00:03:01]Man, that's such a heavy reality. Cuz I'm sure the betrayades, male and female, are like, "Holy crap, you're talking about my existence. I'm really anchored to the potential of what my unfaithful could be and I want them to be, but the reality is I'm not getting that. So there's this they come close, they pull away, they show signs that they want it, but then they pull back.

[00:03:26]So what on a deeper level does breadcrumbming look like? As we get into the minutiae a little bit, >> if we get down into a little more nitty-gritty here, breadcrumbming is giving small but inconsistent pieces of attention, care, or effort. It's just enough to keep our partners emotionally engaged, but it's not enough to create stability or safety.

[00:03:52]If I clarify that it's not intentional manipulation for most unfaithfuls, but it's also not consistent effort.

[00:04:04]It's not sustained change and it's not repair. But the impact, even if it is unintentional, is the same as if you were doing it deliberately because your betray's going to feel it that way.

[00:04:18]>> You said two words that I think are pivotal. Just enough. I'm saying just enough. I'm doing just enough. And I know that the betrayades right now are like, "Yes." And their eyes are big and they might even be seething with the concept of exactly Sam and James. I'm getting just enough. So, keep going. I don't want to steal your thunder.

[00:04:39]>> So, if we break that down even a little more, that would be intermittent attention characterized by short bursts of effort with long gaps.

[00:04:50]It actually gives mixed signals marked by emotional inconsistency and words are not backed by behaviors or action. A connection that doesn't last.

[00:05:03]It feels like a pushpull to the betrayed. I want to highlight emotional inconsistency.

[00:05:11]That is one of our biggest breakdowns as unfaithful is we don't know how to be emotionally consistent.

[00:05:19]And that emotional inconsistency is so disrupting and triggering for the betrayed. And I think it would be great if you gave an example. And this example might not actually be for the betrayed.

[00:05:30]It might actually be for the unfaithful to really understand this is what we're doing. I think it would be great.

[00:05:37]>> I agree. This would be breadcrumbming after betrayal. I've constructed this case study, if you will. After discovery, Taylor, who is the unfaithful partner, tells Morgan, the betrayed partner, "I don't want to lose you. I just need time to figure myself out."

[00:05:54]But what follows isn't real recovery.

[00:05:58]It's breadcrumbming. Taylor sends occasional text, "I miss you. I'm thinking about us."

[00:06:04]The two of them check in emotionally just enough to keep Morgan engaged.

[00:06:08]Taylor might say things like, "I'm working on myself, but there's no therapy, no structure, no transparency."

[00:06:14]And when Morgan asks for clarity, "Are we rebuilding or not?" Taylor responds vaguely. "I don't know yet. I don't want to rush it." If Morgan pulls back, Taylor reappears with increased warmth or affection. If Morgan leans in, Taylor withdraws again through an unfaithful's lens that isn't repair. It's emotional management of your betrayed partner because Taylor is avoiding full accountability and commitment.

[00:06:45]Taylor's regulating his or her own anxiety, guilt, or fear of loss, keeping Morgan emotionally available without offering safety while also trying to preserve connection without doing the work required to deserve it.

[00:07:02]And that is actually control disguised as confusion.

[00:07:06]>> I love that control disguised as confusion. We don't necessarily want to own that always as unfaithful. We kind of have to hear this unpacked and hopefully the lights come on and we go, "Whoa, I didn't realize I was doing that." And as we've said before, until we bring the subconscious conscious, we don't really heal. So, let's talk a little bit about the impact on the betrayed partner. So, for Morgan, the betrayed, this creates what we call chronic instability. There's hope, but then there's doubt and then there's pain and then maybe there's just enough to give us hope again. And the betrayades over and over feel like I'm going insane with the way this is coming at me on a daily or weekly basis. Then there's the heightened trauma activation due to the inconsistency and unfaithfuls. Listen, until we're consistent, we're never going to move the recovery football down the field and we're never going to score a touchdown.

[00:08:07]I can promise you that also for Morgan or the betrayed, it's a delayed healing process because closure and clarity are literally withheld. Then it creates this enormous amount of self-doubt.

[00:08:22]Maybe I, Morgan, the betrayed, I'm just asking for too much. Maybe they are really trying. And it just adds to the self-doubt that the betrayed is already swimming in on a daily basis because of all the events that have transpired before the whole true repair or healing process. This is a way that we can say it is it mirrors the original betrayal dynamic which is inconsistent truth, inconsistent presence, and inconsistent safety. So, in all of that, what's the clinical reality of that?

[00:08:59]>> If you're the unfaithful partner doing this, you're not actually taking space to figure things out. You're actually keeping your betrayed attached while you avoid deciding. That's not neutral.

[00:09:12]That's actually harmful. So, the bottom line is the breadcrumbming after betrayal says, "Stay connected to me, but don't expect me to show up fully."

[00:09:23]And that keeps your betrayed stuck. And if you're serious about repair, you cannot ask someone to stay in that position.

[00:09:31]>> Now, let me introduce a word here that a lot of our audience has probably heard.

[00:09:36]Lovebombing. Where does love bombing come in?

[00:09:39]>> I'm going to give another sort of case study or example of love bombing after betrayal because this is a type of breadcrumbming. This would be again unfaithful to betrayed. So after a difficult time, crisis, anything that's emotionally painful for the betrayed or very difficult between both parties, Chris, the unfaithful partner, becomes intensely attentive toward Pat, the betrayed partner. So Chris sends long emotional messages. You're everything to me. I'll spend the rest of my life making this right.

[00:10:16]They buy gifts, plan elaborate dates, and suddenly show constant affection.

[00:10:20]And part of the key here is as unfaithfuls, we might actually really feel this, right? Might feel like we're being absolutely genuine. There's a problem with that, of course, is that we don't realize that we're not. So, we promise big sweeping change. I'll never hurt you again. I swear. And for a short period, Chris the unfaithful is hyperpresent, texting all day, checking in constantly, being unusually affectionate, but within a few days or weeks, that intensity drops off. Follow through fades, so there's no consistent therapy, no structured recovery work, and when Pat is struggling, Chris becomes frustrated. What more do you want from me? But what this actually is through the lens of the unfaithful, it isn't sustained repair. It's urgencydriven overcorrection.

[00:11:14]So Chris is actually trying to quickly reduce the pain and stabilize the relationship, managing guilt and fear of loss through intensity, offering emotional flooding instead of consistent safety. It feels very powerful, but it's not durable. It's not going to last.

[00:11:34]>> I love that. It feels powerful, but it's not durable. It's not longlasting. It doesn't really help the betrayed heal because inevitably the betrayed probably starts to go, "Here we go again." And there's the impact on the betrayed. So in this case study for Pat the betrayed, it creates a temporary sense of hope and relief, but it's followed by confusion and deeper hurt when it fades and just more mixed messages that the betrayed has to deal with. And the last thing that the betrayed needs is more mixed messages. It also increases, and this is really important, unfaithful, it increases mistrust. The betrayed then goes, "Man, is this real? Was any of that real? Do they really mean it or are they just trying to get me quite honestly to shut up and just move on and get over it?" Then the betrayed feels this pressure to feel better faster or get better faster or heal faster because of these grand gestures. And we have unparked the fact that grand gestures really never bring healing. So, what's the bottom line in this love bombing?

[00:12:44]>> This is going to come off pretty harsh, but love bombing says, "I'll overwhelm you with how much I care right now, but real repair I will show you steadily and consistently over time.

[00:13:00]Intensity is not the same as integrity."

[00:13:03]And we talk about intensity on one end in terms of acting out versus intimacy on the other end. integrity. Showing that change steadily and consistently is intimacy.

[00:13:16]It's a total reframing in our own minds as unfaithful of how things need to work.

[00:13:23]Really, if we sum this up and think about it, if you're love bombing, you're not rebuilding trust. You're maintaining attachment, a very unhealthy one, that you're mistaking for healthy because you convince yourself that it's better than what you've done in the past, but it's actually worse because it's this pushpull and it's not real and it's not establishing safety. I >> think you said that really well. Now, we're ramping up in our pretty straightforward statements today, but let's talk about why this does more damage than even no connection at all to the relationship.

[00:13:59]>> Because breadcrumbming is about the moment. It's not about duration or consistency over time. It's really an unhealthy relational pattern across time because it lacks that consistency of action, of safety, of being present and so on. Examples could be you validate now but then dismiss later. And this more than negates the positive effects of validation. And we talk about AVR, right? Acknowledge, validate, reassure.

[00:14:32]But if we're validating and then dismissing later, that's taking the reassurance away. And so effectively, it entrenches the betrayed's truth that they're not seen, they're not believed, and can't trust that anything that we as unfaithfuls do or say to validate them can be trusted.

[00:14:52]Another one is you show up and then disappear emotionally. So that's going to create hope and then rip it away resulting in hope being associated with inevitable disappointment and thus the feeling of hope which is so beautiful becomes a warning sign of impending danger or doom and that's going to create that trauma reaction. This is not good. Another one can be you promise change but nothing shifts. And this reemphasizes the unfaithful's unreliability and unpredictability as being truth.

[00:15:28]Essentially, it proves exactly that our behaviors are the opposite of what they need to be. And then this means that proven reliability, aka consistency over time, will be so much harder to establish. An important distinction here is to us as unfaithfuls, this feels like progress because what we're tracking is intention and effort, which if done sporadically can seem like it's consistent to us, but it's not. To the betrayed, it feels unpredictable because their brain is hypervigilant. It's watching for things. So, it's tracking for consistency and reliability, and if it's not getting it, it's going to remain in trauma. So a nuance here would be even good moments can be destabilizing if they aren't consistent.

[00:16:20]So your best moment doesn't define your relational recovery. It's your pattern that does.

[00:16:27]I think that's said wonderfully because here's what we do as unfaithful. We think, well, what about when I did this and what about when I did that and don't you see that I did these things? And those grand gestures or those one-offs are never going to produce safety and long-term momentum because the betrayades are looking at the pattern.

[00:16:49]So, let's transition to why we unfaithful do this.

[00:16:54]>> I think this is a really valuable place to be clear about a couple of things. If we're unconscious of this, it's not about the unfaithful being a bad person.

[00:17:05]It's not about placing blame. It's about trying to help unfaithfuls understand what's driving this breadcrumbming behavior so you can take action to stop it and do differently. One of the things that causes this is our shame regulation or lack of. So when our guilt spikes, we show up and now we feel relieved because we've in a sense made it right.

[00:17:35]Which really means, if we get down to it, that we've convinced our betrayades that they can feel calm because we're displaying a momentary behavior that convinces them that we're attending to the problem. But really, we're seeing their reactivity as the problem, not what we're doing or not doing that causes the reaction as the problem.

[00:18:00]Then we withdraw when our betrayed calms down. or settles down, it pulls out of their reactivity.

[00:18:10]>> Number two is we have a fear of losing our partner. We don't want them to leave, but we haven't developed the capacity yet to stay with them through the emotional lows and highs, the good days, the bad days, and everything in between. And we don't yet have experience in true sustained change. And we may not know how to do that yet. And until we do learn how to do that, our recovery is going to pay the price, >> right? And learning how to do it is through the practice, listening to what Sam and I have to say, making notes, putting it into practice, and then being consistent in that practice. We may not be very good at it, but by golly, we're trying to actually go in the right direction then.

[00:18:53]>> Yeah.

[00:18:54]>> So, there's a third one, and that's the avoidance of sustained discomfort. So when we're actually consistent, we're also going to have to be able to stay in that discomfort in that anxiety and having to actually stay present for arbitrates reactivity or for emotions that we're not used to handling within ourselves even. And so we avoid that kind of sustained discomfort. Real repair requires repetition and the ability to sit in and with discomfort.

[00:19:28]As humans, we don't like discomfort, physical or emotional. We want the fastest possible fix with emotions. That usually means that we do what we're used to doing, avoid them. We do this by pushing away using things like anger and blame or running away. So physically leaving, turning into the ice man oring, so minimizing, rationalizing, intellectualizing and so on. And breadcrumbming allows escape with the lie to ourselves as well as our betrayades of the dip into being real. It's the buying in of that tiny piece of evidence of us showing up as fact rather than looking at the whole picture.

[00:20:18]>> And I think it is an important piece of the fact that we're experts at forgetting the big picture. We want to look at the little moments of well look at this and I am doing these things. And hopefully today you unfaithful are processing this going, you know, these little things I'm doing here or there are not giving me what I want and it's certainly not giving me what the betrayed wants.

[00:20:42]>> So number four is identity protection which we can also think of as our own self-concept that we want to see ourselves as a good person and so on. So we protect that even though reality may not line up with it. So we actually go see I'm trying and that for us becomes enough because it supports that good person idea that we have of ourselves.

[00:21:06]So instead of actually changing because actual change means we have to recognize the problem with our self-concept which can make us feel really anxious and depressed because it's actually breaking this fragile mask we've come to believe in as our actual self.

[00:21:22]So that we have to be able to face that.

[00:21:26]Our self-concept doesn't really line up with reality and we've got to be okay with that in the long run.

[00:21:34]>> And doesn't this affect our nervous system in a way too?

[00:21:38]>> Oh yeah. It creates a nervous system cycling. When our nervous system is awake or activated, then we're present.

[00:21:46]But since we're not used to that, that presence or being present can actually overwhelm us and that can feel like building anxiety heading towards almost a near panic.

[00:21:58]What it also does is overwhelms our brain's executive functions. So as we're getting overwhelmed by this highly emotional piece that we're not used to, our thinking can become foggy. We'll lack clarity. We can even feel confused because our ability to think, our cognitive function goes offline. And very shortly thereafter, our emotional regulation goes offline. And then we're going to be completely disconnected or worse, we can become emotionally disregulated, subject to our raw reactive emotions like anger, brooding silence, sadness. And those usually get directed outward towards our betrayed typically or cause us to withdraw or run.

[00:22:43]So the key here is breadcrumbming lets you feel like you're doing the work without actually doing the work.

[00:22:54]Now let's talk about how this impacts the betrayed.

[00:22:59]This is where people underestimate the damage.

[00:23:04]Even betrays can underestimate the damage. Breadcrumbming actually creates a type of trauma bond. We're going to cover that topic extensively in another podcast.

[00:23:15]This section will help both the unfaithful and the betrayed recognize the pattern, intervene, and hopefully mutually set boundaries around the behaviors that are harmful based on the impacts that they're having on the betrayed.

[00:23:35]Here's how it destructively impacts the betrayed. The first one is it creates emotional dependence on the crumb relief cycle. So when the unfaithful offers occasional affection or attention or presence creates a very powerful emotional hook.

[00:23:55]The unpredictability increases the emotional pull of that. So betrayed stay waiting for the next moment. They become hungry for it because it's like an oasis in a desert of despair and hurt.

[00:24:10]That then creates a constant searching for what did I do wrong? What do I need to do to get that connection back?

[00:24:18]If that sounds familiar, it's because those are betrayal trauma reactions, which tells you that breadcrumbming is a serious traumatic experience for the betrayed.

[00:24:30]There's a loss of trust. Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe it is getting better. There's increased and broadened hypervigilance.

[00:24:39]So they're constantly scanning for the unfaithful to give an indication of reaching out or wanting connection.

[00:24:48]Always reading between the lines. Always watching the unfaithful's tone, mood, and energy. And they're vacasillating between hope. Will that continue? And questioning, was it even real?

[00:25:01]So betrayed partners can and often do become dependent on those intermittent moments of relief even when they're surrounded by inconsistency or hurt.

[00:25:12]Their sense of security then becomes tagged to when the next crumb will appear. So there really is no security or safety in it. It's given and taken away creating a power differential where the unfaithful is one up and the betrayed is one down.

[00:25:31]Now, there's also what we call the loss of emotional autonomy and self-power for the betrayed. The betrayed partner starts to feel that their emotional well-being depends entirely on the unfaithful's actions. It's such a painful reality for the betrayed to live in. This can also lead to feeling emotionally powerless or trapped believing that they cannot regain stability or peace unless the unfaithful partner gives reassurance. And that's the last thing that we want the betrayed to feel is this lack of safety, lack of predictability, like they're waiting for the next moment of grandiosity or this love bombing. It's really a painful way for the betrayed to live.

[00:26:12]>> And it undermines our reassurance when it's real. Reassurance needs to be about helping our betrays reestablish or build their empowerment, their self-empowerment.

[00:26:26]It's really a very dangerous place to go and the sooner that we unfaithful can recognize that we're going into that place then the sooner we can change it.

[00:26:36]There's also this big deal of reinforcement through inconsistency.

[00:26:41]That emotional dependence that we're talking about that the betrayed develops when breadcrumbming is used is heightened by that unpredictability of breadcrumbming. Those small positive interactions followed by withdrawal, that intermittent reinforcement actually increases the emotional stakes for the betrayed partner, making them feel more dependent on the unfaithful's next action.

[00:27:09]So then there's the illusion of hope.

[00:27:14]And hope's such a precious thing, but it's an illusion because breadcrumbming offers periodic glimpses of connection.

[00:27:24]And the betrayed partner may hold on to the hope that the relationship is improving.

[00:27:28]This is going to create that emotional dependency on potential rather than reality where the betrayed partner clings to those hopeful moments rather than evaluating consistent behavior. So that's going to create a loop and that's going to look like pain equals stress activation, crumb equals relief or dopamine release. And I'm going to be clear here, dopamine doesn't mean you're enjoying it. Dopamine is also helpful in fear regulation. So it's actually going to in this case release dopamine. It's going to lower the fear alert level. So the betrayed might not even realize this is happening. And then that loop is repeated.

[00:28:12]So this is why our partners can feel hurt by us, feel confused by us and still feel pulled toward us.

[00:28:21]Breadcrumbming strengthens this loop because the relief is unpredictable because the connection is inconsistent and the brain is going to keep chasing resolution no matter what.

[00:28:33]So to clarify and I want this to be really clear. This is not about weakness on the betray's part. This is about conditioning. More specifically, how we as unfaithfuls are conditioning our betrays unconscious.

[00:28:50]A really key insight here, the less consistent you are, the stronger the negative attachment can become. None of us should be wanting negative attachment. We want secure attachment, right? So, let's make it conscious so you the unfaithful can take responsibility. When you breadcrumb, you're not just trying a little or having good moments. You are actively reinforcing the bond that keeps your partner stuck. That's why we call it a trauma bond. And now that you've heard this, you are conscious of what you are doing. If you keep doing it, that's deliberate manipulation. And that is emotionally abusive.

[00:29:33]>> And those things need to be said because those are straight shooting sentences that can really help both the betrayed but especially the unfaithful understand it becomes manipulation when you are aware of it and you keep doing it. So let's throw out some real practical help on how the unfaithful can actually stop Brad crummy.

[00:29:54]The first thing we have to do is see that the impact of what we're doing is absolutely brutal.

[00:30:06]True recovery requires shifting from these intermittent crumbs to consistent sustained effort.

[00:30:13]We as unfaithful have to recognize that inconsistency and commit to offering stability rather than occasional hope.

[00:30:23]So let's talk about how you can do that practically, right? One of the things you can do is to track your patterns over time. So patterns are really important. You cannot go off of how you feel or what you intended or the moments. You have to actually look at those moments and see how do they stack up over time and see that they are consistent. You can track the timing of it, how long the gaps are. You can track your consistency. Am I doing this daily or am I waiting weeks to do it? The next thing, how am I actually showing up? Am I being consistent across time? What has been the impact of my showing up? And is my showing up making me uncomfortable?

[00:31:10]Because it should.

[00:31:12]It really should because we are learning new habits, patterns, and routines.

[00:31:18]We're creating new pathways, if you will, that require change. The other thing that we can do, number two, is we can stabilize our presence, which is really going to help the betrayed by really doing smaller things and being able to do them at a slower pace, becoming predictable. I think every betrayed is like, please give me a man or woman who's been unfaithful, who's now predictable, meaning they are doing the small things. They are predictable where they're at at any given time. How they communicate or how they overcommunicate. How they're honest with me. How they are reading books, watching videos, doing things that show on a predictable and consistent level that they really want the relationship. Until we get consistent, the betrayed is constantly going to be wondering, is this for real? Do they really mean this?

[00:32:14]Is their heart in it? And I think if we dip back into a bit earlier, one of the ways you can tell is is what I'm doing more of a grand gesture or is it as you were saying smaller, slower, more predictable, more consistent? Because if it's a grand gesture, we're putting all this effort into that thing and we're not going to want to do it again and again because it's unreachable again and again. What is reachable is mere presence, listening, hearing, showing up. These things are actually easier to do over the long term than trying to constantly come up with grand gestures, as beautiful as those may seem. So, I think next we've got to close this insight gap that we have.

[00:33:03]Having an insight into something like you might get from this doesn't equal change. You actually have to put it into action.

[00:33:10]Because behaviors or actions equal change. The next thing you can do is to name your own pattern with your betrayed. Do it in real time. You know what? I noticed that I show up in short bursts and disappear.

[00:33:26]And that's not okay. I want to be more consistent and then do it.

[00:33:32]Stay after discomfort. So if you start feeling discomfort, that's exactly when you stay. Don't disappear. Don't reset after a conflict like nothing happened.

[00:33:42]Stay.

[00:33:44]Address it. That's where repair is going to happen.

[00:33:49]And I think a huge one here is really the depth of it, right? We have to change our goal. The fear-based goal that we usually come from is don't lose them.

[00:34:03]We've got to change that to the repair-based goal of becoming consistently present and showing up for our betrayed. Remember, you don't need to be impressive. You need to be predictable.

[00:34:17]>> Excellent. Now, let's talk about how do unfaithfuls help the betrayed with this breadcrumbming.

[00:34:22]>> Okay. I think it's really useful to go, what does my betrayed need from me? I know we've covered a lot of that, but let's just bullet point it. emotional steadiness, predictability, follow through, empathy, kindness, compassion, ability to stay when things get difficult. What's going to help with that is that same response and same response level repeatedly over time. No disappearing after the connection. Stay connected.

[00:34:56]No reset cycles, grounded cycles only.

[00:35:01]So, one of the ways that we teach unfaithfuls to do that is ground yourself before you go have a conversation. Take some time to breathe through things. Imagine roots growing out of your feet like a tree, right?

[00:35:14]Trees can sway in a storm. Why? Because they're well rooted. So, whatever is going to work for you that can help get you into that calm, centered, and grounded space, that's going to help you stay longer.

[00:35:26]because safety is built in repetition, not in intensity.

[00:35:32]>> So, as we wind down, we're just going to give you some quick takeaways here to reinforce what we've said. Number one, breadcrumbming is really intermittent effort. And you've heard extensively how that intermittent effort really harms the betrayed, but it also harms your own efforts.

[00:35:52]>> Well, maintains negative attachment. So by that I mean dismissive, a fearful avoidant, a preoccupied but not secure.

[00:36:00]It's not safe. So that healthy one is secure attachment. That's what we're aiming for. It's going to take some time to get there. That's okay. We're going to keep doing it. The problem with breadcrumbming, of course, is it's driven by avoidance, shame, and fear. So we need to be able to be conscious of that to work on it.

[00:36:19]>> It also creates confusion and dependence.

[00:36:25]And remember, it enforces a power differential, a oneup, one down, where the unfaithful's one up, bet, the trades one down. And it's similar to the one that existed pre-Day.

[00:36:36]So, a lot of people don't realize that a lot of this one up, one down is already existent before Discovery because the unfaithful's been acting out and the betrayed doesn't know it. And so, there's a major power differential. The betray's choices are being taken away from them because they are not knowledgeable of everything that's going on.

[00:36:59]>> And it keeps the betrayed partner stuck in despair. That can be called a hope loop. They get their hopes up and then here we go again. And then they get their hopes up and here we go again. So if you unfaithful are like, why won't they believe me? Why won't they just give me the benefit of the doubt?

[00:37:15]Because they don't have consistency.

[00:37:17]They don't have predictability. And then you wonder why the betrayed is so full of despair because right when they get their hopes up, here we go again. The cycle takes over. So, some final thoughts here. James, I think it would be great if you just reiterated very quickly some of these thoughts for both parties to really let them sink in.

[00:37:39]>> So, I don't know if we've made this point enough yet, but crumbs don't heal people. Consistency does.

[00:37:47]You don't rebuild trust with moments, you rebuild it with patterns. And lastly, if nothing changes consistently, nothing changes at all.

[00:37:58]And we hope that you that need some confrontation were confronted today. It's really essential that you as an unfaithful can be confrontable. I can tell you on behalf of James and Sharon who do intensives all the time as well as myself and my practice, one of the biggest red flags is if you're an unfaithful, can you be confrontable? It doesn't mean that somebody has to be angry or aggressive or rude, but can you be confronted on your patterns? The goal is to actually, as James said so well earlier, with a scalpel, can you confront yourself eventually? Can you confront these patterns and say, "Oh my gosh." If you're watching this with your spouse or your partner right now, it would probably be good for you at the end of this to say, "Okay, I got some work to do, don't I?" And the betrayed can sit here and go, "Listen, this is probably not something that you're meaning to do, but yes, they just unpacked how I feel on a weekly, if not daily basis, and I can't handle it anymore." So, take this to heart. Create change because the reality is, James, the unfaithful can change this behavior, right? This doesn't have to be what their recovery looks like.

[00:39:21]>> No, not at all. We are very capable of this. I mean, as you like to say, if we dummies can do it, you can do it. It's the part and parcel of recovery is to decide now that you've seen something hopefully much more clearly and you're able to identify it in your own behaviors that you make the changes that are necessary. Why we're here is to not just help our partners heal, but to build these much stronger new relationships with our partners.

[00:39:52]>> Absolutely. It comes down to this. I could sum up today with this. Know better, do better. For those of you who are unfaithful, who are watching this, now you can know better so you can do better. It comes down to grit, determination, and a willingness to confront these patterns and do the work.

[00:40:11]And so, as we say goodbye, don't forget about Ask the Betrayed. There's constantly new episodes being posted there.

[00:40:18]It is just a wonderful cheat sheet for you, the unfaithful, to understand how the betrayed thinks and feels. And it's a wonderfully safe place for you, the betrayed, to go listen to two people who are wonderful women who've been through it, who have been doing this work for a long period of time. It is a safe place.

[00:40:36]Maybe you can't join an online support group. Or maybe you don't have other women that you are able to talk to. Or maybe you're a betrayed male and you want to get expert insight from other betrays. It's a great place to feel safe, to feel heard, to feel seen. Don't forget about this other little podcast, Sam's Healing Podcast. Every now and then you might get some helpful insight there. And as always, if we can help in any way, you can reach out to us at [email protected].

[00:41:04]But listen, this is a great moment for you as an unfaithful to go do this work and get serious about the patterns that are in your life that are cutting your legs out from underneath you. Because as James said earlier, if nothing changes, nothing changes. We'll see you next time on Ask the Unfaithful.