Why do I keep choosing the same patterns?

[00:00:00]dropping stuff early in the game. We just got on. We just got on. Hello everyone. Here we are. Here we are.

[00:00:10]Yeah, hair is a little crazy, but hey, here we go. Um, and I fig I think I got my music back together here.

[00:00:19]Yeah, we good. We live, y'all. Hi. How welcome, welcome, welcome. Happy Monday.

[00:00:27]I'm super excited um to get back going.

[00:00:31]I was down for a week, y'all, with my um wisdom teeth. It was a thing. It was a thing. But we're here. We're back. I can talk again. I'm not swollen in the face.

[00:00:45]We good.

[00:00:47]I'm glad we're able to jump back on, y'all. Um tonight we are talking about What are we talking about? We are talking about um why we continue to pick or choose the same patterns. Um I believe that well when I looked at the poll this is was highly voted but I think it actually um changed more recently. Um, so when I'm looking at, let me see the post now, it looks like the struggle to receive love has now bypassed um, this one. So, since this is what I prepared, this is where we are at and we will do the struggle to receive love for next week.

[00:01:39]But, um, thank you to everyone that voted. If you still want to vote on the other two topics, feel free to go over to the poll and do that. Um, yeah, and I'm excited to talk about tonight's topic. If this is your first time, my name is Debbie. I am a certified mindfulness coach, also um a pre-licicensed therapist currently going through internship right now. Um, this channel is all things um, self-care, mindful living. Um, the topics are chosen by everyone that is subscribed.

[00:02:15]And from there, we just kind of talk about those things every Monday at 8:00 p.m. Central Standard Time. So, if this is your first time, welcome in. Make sure to subscribe if you haven't already. Why not go ahead and do that?

[00:02:28]Um, make sure to subscri sub subscribe, share this with anyone that you think that can benefit. And um and yeah, we'll go ahead and jump in. Hi Mike, welcome in. Um so yeah, we'll go ahead and jump in, but definitely let me know where you're watching from and how you are today. I hope you are well. Um this live is very interactive, so feel free to speak back to me if you have questions.

[00:02:52]If you want to um want me to go back and address anything, um I'll be more than happy to do that. Hi Jasmine, welcome in. Um, so what we'll do is um Okay, awesome.

[00:03:07]And then when it comes to um Yeah. No.

[00:03:11]But thank you so much for coming in and joining. We got a lot to talk about today, y'all. We'll probably be about about We'll see probably about 30 40 minutes y'all when we go through this. But tonight's topic is why do I keep choosing the same patterns, right?

[00:03:31]Why do I keep choosing the same patterns? And it can look it can be in very minuscule, very small like habit forming things and then it could be in very big things. Why do I keep choosing the same people, the same person? Um why do I keep choosing, you know, um the same activities? Um why do I keep choosing the same actions and behaviors?

[00:03:53]Why do I keep, you know, choosing, you know, uh the the same group of people or the same like-minded people, right? Um why do I choose the same environments?

[00:04:05]So, thinking about all of these different patterns that you may be experiencing and how they are could be detrimental or not to your well-being.

[00:04:15]Um and that's really what we're going to hone in on today. So, I hope this is helpful. Um, I'm going to start with a simple simple simple definition and then we'll go through um why do I keep going back to that same pattern. I have like four reasons why and then we'll go through some ways that you can begin to start to change the patterns. Um, so again, feel free to let me know if you have any questions, you need me to go back and talk about anything, but we're going to dive into just one uh definition. When we think about patterns, it can show up in many different ways, right? But this is more from a psychological standpoint in our behaviors. Right? So when we're thinking about a pattern, let's define what that looks like. So what that looks like initially is a pattern is a repeated or predictable way of thinking, feeling or behaving that becomes an automatic um that becomes over automatic over time.

[00:05:09]Okay. So a pattern is a repeated or predictable way of thinking, feeling or behaving that becomes automatic over time. All right. Sometimes those patterns are uh conscious, sometimes they are subconscious, sometimes they initiate or start subconscious and then become more conscious over time, but then you get to a point where you can't stop the pattern or you try to stop the pattern and then you go into this cycle of trying to stop the pattern, right? Um so this can show up again in many different ways. We talked about several of them. Another one is addiction is another way of looking at patterns that we're having a hard time stopping, right? Um so yeah, so patterns are often learned because they have helped us survive, right? Um they have shown evidence of being helpful at some point in our life, right? Um it reduces discomfort.

[00:06:10]It feels familiar or comfortable, right?

[00:06:14]Um, and it's something that we've just reinforced. Maybe it's something that has always been, right? Um, and because of that, it's something that we have a hard time breaking, right? Um, hi Riley, welcome in. Um, so yeah, so that's really where patterns are coming from and where they may be showing up, right?

[00:06:37]But just thinking about familiarity for a second. So our brains like familiarity and it it operates in patterns. So our brains are actually designed to um look at what's familiar and what has worked and to continue to do those things um to keep the body safe, right? Um it's it's going to adapt more to things that are familiar than those things that are uncertain, right? That's just how the brain works. Our brain's job is to predict safety, right? So that's how it's just keeping our body alive. It predicts safety and in that those predictions, it takes it has the body take actions based off of those predictions, right? Um but when we have a high level of unsafe experiences, our brain is programmed now to carry out a pattern that often is detrimental rather than helpful. Right? um it keeps us from um growing and getting better and evolving and it it keeps us from producing a a a big sense of well-being, right? Um and it's not necessarily the brain's fault. It's just doing what it was designed to do. But sometimes we program our brain either consciously or subconsciously to continue patterns that are not helpful but are more so of survival, right? And so operating in survival mode can help temporaril temporarily, right? If your if your brain is telling you to run, then yes, that's that's going to help you in the moment. But if it continues to tell you to run over and over and over again, then that may cause avoidant behaviors or it may cause difficulty within relationships because you're unable to stick with the the conversation or you're unable to stick with the relationship or whatever. So, it can show up in many different ways. Um, and that's my next point is just kind of the same with what I just said is the pattern was a temporary fix, not a permanent system. What happens when we apply the wrong system over and over and over again? Right? So, because this pattern worked in this particular situation or scenario, we're now taking that same pattern and um adding it to everything else in life. And then that's when it becomes more detrimental detrimental. It's just like thinking about I have a few examples here like if you think about a diesel truck, right?

[00:09:18]and you try to put regular gasoline in a diesel truck, right? Like we all know what happens when that happens, right?

[00:09:28]Now, they're both considered fuel, right? But because one is designed for one thing and the other is designed for the other thing, even though they're both fuel, it still can cause disruption and if you put it into the wrong thing.

[00:09:46]Okay? So just understanding that just because a system worked in one space doesn't mean that it's going to not going to work everywhere. And that's how things kind of start to get misconstrued. I even looked up like what happens when you put regular gasoline in a diesel truck and it was very profound.

[00:10:07]It says basically the fuel pump and injectors immediately grind against each other and destroy themselves.

[00:10:16]right? It misfires and eventually shuts down.

[00:10:21]That's pretty much what's happening when when we have these patterns and our behaviors, right? Over time, we begin to our our behaviors and our thoughts and our emotions start to conflict with each other, right? And in that we it destroys the system itself. It starts to destroy the person slowly, right?

[00:10:44]um it ends up misfiring and then everything shuts down. So you may have you know a panic attack or a breakdown or a very depressive mood or you may have these um you know these outbursts or angry outbursts or you may blow up or explode on people, right? That's essentially the same concept.

[00:11:07]The more that you allow these patterns to go in the wrong system, it will start to uh rub up against each other and eventually destroy itself um and misfire and then you break down.

[00:11:22]Okay. Another example is when you have when what what happens when you wash your colors with your whites, right? If you put you go to wash your clothes and you put your whites in with all of the colors. Um, yes, you're getting the job done, right? The clothes are being washed essentially. It's still technically working, but when you pull all of the clothes out, all of your whites look totally different, right?

[00:11:47]Looks a totally different color. Has it comes out comes out a total total different basis. Or if you add bleach to the water and now you have all of your colors in with your whites, right? now it has all of these, you know, these bleach spots on your colored, you know, shirts or whatever, right? So, even if you have these things in in a system that has worked before or is essentially kind of working, it doesn't necessarily mean that it's going to be um helpful to its well-being, right? So, just like keep that in mind um when thinking about patterns and applying them to a system that doesn't necessarily work, right?

[00:12:29]Trying to cook a hamburger in a toaster.

[00:12:33]It may essentially work, right? If you put it in the toaster, it may start to cook it a little bit, right? But eventually, you're going to you it may get there, but it's going to take a long time or you're going to break down the toaster, right? So just thinking about like in that sense when you're thinking about patterns and how they interrupt the life our lives and our well-being is essentially the same thing. So why do I keep going back to the same pattern, right? Why do I keep why does this keep happening? Here's a few answers, right?

[00:13:07]Um so number one, emotional vulnerability and chronic stress, right?

[00:13:14]trauma responses.

[00:13:16]That's that's essentially one of the top reasons as to why when our emotions are driving the car, when our emotions are driving our actions, when our emotions are driving um it makes us more vulnerable to the patterns because when our emotions are in the front seat or in the for the forefront, um you're going to act off of those emotions. And then often times many just because you have an emotion doesn't means that it equates to truth. And so we start to activate or act off of those things. Um and it's just easier to fall back on what's familiar which is the pattern. Right? So, when we're tired, when we're stressed, when we're lonely, when we're overwhelmed, when we're sleepy, when we're hungry, um you know, when we're in high stress situations, when we're in conflict, when we're in illness, when you know, when we're in all of these different space spaces or states, it's easier to fall back what's on to what's familiar, right? So, one of the number one reasons as to why we keep hitting these hitting these walls when it comes to the pattern, um, it's harder to use positive coping skills when you are emotionally elevated, right? It's harder to make choices between short-term relief and long-term effectiveness when you are heightened emotionally. So this is again probably the number one reason to why we may keep going back to the same pattern is because of our emotions.

[00:14:52]Um number two, reinforcement of previous behaviors or observed behaviors. Okay, so reinforcement of previous behaviors or observed behaviors. Okay. Is if something worked once, whether it be something that we physically did or something that we observed, our brain begins to just remember those things, right? And so most again, most patterns begin as automatic responses, not conscious choices. So the first choice isn't usually the is usually the pattern, right? The first thing that comes to mind is usually going to be the pattern, right? And if we go with what we first think every single time, then we're going to choose the pattern every single time, right? Um, so when thinking about that, let me just make sure I'm not missing anything here.

[00:15:48]Um, yeah. So, I mean, when I'm thinking when I'm talking about reinforcement, it's going off of evidence, right? Your patterns go off of evidence of it working before. So every time that you choose that pattern, that just reinforces the evidence that you have.

[00:16:06]It gives you another situation, another scenario. It gives you something else to go back to think about um that says, "Oh, it worked before, so let's do it again." Okay? Um so for example, if you are a avoidant, right? In the past, your avoidance has lowered your anxiety. It made you feel better, right? it ended up giving you a sense of relief in a time.

[00:16:32]So if you continue to do that over and over and over again and it continues to give you that same um response, then you're going to continue to do it, right? Because in the past it has worked. So reinforcement is what drives the pattern. It's what keeps the pattern going. And the more evidence that you have, whether it be not just within your own behaviors, but also in the behaviors of others, right? What we observed our parents do, what we observed our family members do, what we observed our friends do, what we observed in the in the workforce or at school, like those all of those things are compiled evidence that you have that the pattern works.

[00:17:18]And so when you're in those, like I said in number one, when you're in that emotional state, you're going to default to what works. And since you have this long rolodex of evidence that this pattern is actually going to work, that's going to be your obvious choice.

[00:17:35]Okay. So number two was reinforcement of previous behaviors and observed behaviors. Number one was emotional uh vulnerability. If you're just joining, we're talking about why do we keep choosing the same patterns, especially the detrimental ones. Um, so we're going through those reasons why. Number one, emotional vulnerability. Number two, reinforcement of pre previous behaviors.

[00:17:58]Number three, our core beliefs about ourselves and others. We often feel justified to continue the pattern.

[00:18:08]Right? So, especially when it comes to people, right? in dealing with people, you have these core beliefs about your interactions with people. And oftent times because we're offended, right, or something bad happens or someone says something wrong or bad, we feel justified to do what we want, which is the pattern, right? So in that justification, that gives us even more evidence because remember we're talking about evidence with the reinforcement.

[00:18:40]um it gives us more evidence to continue the pattern. So it's not just that the pattern works, but it's also that I'm justified in why I'm why I want to do that specific pattern. Okay? So now you have double not just that the pattern works, but also that you're justified to continue the pattern. For example, if you have a pattern of snapping off on people, right? You have a pattern on going off on people, right? But then you also have a justification because of what that person did to you, that person slapped you in the face or that person pushed you or that person said something crazy.

[00:19:27]Right? So now I have the pattern that has worked for me and then I have the pattern of this is justified. It's justified because of what this person did or this part particular environment or situation. So now I don't just have evidence. I also have justification.

[00:19:47]Right? So keeping that in mind sometimes our core beliefs is also a driving force for us to continue the pattern. Um and usually our d that driving force is um wrapped in injustice, offense or just being justified in being able to do the thing that we want to do.

[00:20:09]Okay. So our repeated experiences that are unsafe shape our world view creating patterns that are evidence-based goes back to the reinforcement. So for example, you may have a feeling that I am not worthy or people will always leave me or the world is unsafe, right?

[00:20:30]Those are world views that you have that are broad generalizations, right? Or just inflexible rules um that we live by that may have falsehoods or chronic limitations. Okay. Hi Jason.

[00:20:48]Um, oh, okay. You're funny. Haha.

[00:20:55]Um, so, um, so yes. So, when it comes to that broad generalizations and inflexible rules we live by that may have falsehoods or chronic um just a second y'all cuz um okay. So, where was I at? Broad generalizations and flexible rules we live by that may have falsehoods or chronic limitations.

[00:21:33]So, um, and this may apply to many situations. So, oftentimes those broad generalizations apply to multiple situations. And so, that's why you have so much evidence of the actual pattern working, right? Um, so those core beliefs often times will show up in many ways in many situations and will again justify the pattern. Okay.

[00:22:03]Um and then also too when thinking about core beliefs is more so a override of um effectiveness over being right.

[00:22:17]Right? So our core beliefs are shown have shown us to be right in some scenarios. Um so the effectiveness of it though is not helpful or is not concrete. So we have these these core beliefs that are right sometimes that we now feel are right all of the time.

[00:22:38]Okay. So keep that in mind. Um number four which is the last one here.

[00:22:47]So why do I keep going back to the same pattern?

[00:22:52]Um there's some sense of hopelessness, right? there's some sense of hopelessness whether it be surrounding our core beliefs or just surrounding the pattern itself. Right? So, and these the hopelessness many times is surrounding like institutions or systemic situations when it comes to why we have a sense of of hopelessness. So like our workplace, school, government, um social environments, even family systems, right? in dynamics. They tolerate or reward the pattern oftentimes and because of that we continue to operate in it because we are sitting in a system or an institution that rewards or tolerates the behavior or you're able to navigate those institutions or systems better by continuing the pattern. Right? Um so for example code switching would be a trauma response right um that is a pattern that we can that you know people of color continue to do because of the fact that it has shown to have success in the workplace in schools or even in some of the systems that we operate in in government systems right um so there's a sense of hopelessness there an acceptance that happens um that allows us to continue the pattern because it has helped us thrive in spaces that we have to be in.

[00:24:29]That makes sense, right? Um these systems often um also retraumatize, right? It continues to retraumatize over and over and over again. And because it's a continued shared trauma often because you know how you have your work spaces where you have those those people that you you know you go to because everybody's traumatized and we're trauma bonding off of this job, right? Or off of this boss or this thing or whatever.

[00:24:58]And we keep that pattern going, right?

[00:25:00]We accept things to be how they have always been because that's where we have evidence. It always goes back to evidence, right? Where do we have the evidence? Where's the reinforcement? Um, so the cycle of reinforcement in these systemic or institutional spaces um tolerates or rewards the the pattern and because of that it's easier for us to continue with that pattern. Okay, so um that was a lot. I hope this is helpful y'all. Um this will be saved so you can always go back. But I hope this was helpful as far as like why we um are going back to the same pattern. Okay. So number one is again emotional vulnerability. Number two is reinforcement of previous behaviors and observed behaviors. Number three is our core beliefs um about ourselves and others. And then number four some sense of hopelessness. Okay. So how do we change the pattern? Right? How do we do that? What do we do to actually change?

[00:26:07]And if there's anything else um that you if there's anything that you can get from this particular Just a second, y'all. There's anything that you can get from this particular um this live is what I'm about to say right now. Okay.

[00:26:24]Changing the pattern. How do we change the pattern? It starts with interruption.

[00:26:29]Okay. If you get nothing else from this live, remember that you change the pattern by interrupting.

[00:26:37]Okay? Now, you can validate before you change the the the key is to interrupt though, right? So, you can validate your feelings and what you're seeing. You can sit and you can notice and become aware of like what's happening. But ultimately, you want to interrupt the pattern, right? So to validate you may have cuz you may in the past have said oh I shouldn't feel this way or I shouldn't do this or I you know this isn't right right um instead of that you can try given my experiences it makes sense that I want to react this way or it makes sense that I reacted that way right um validating that because of this pattern that I have had in the past, it makes sense for me to want to do that, right? Um, but then begin to interrupt it. Instead of asking, "How do I stop doing this forever?"

[00:27:40]You can say, "How can I interrupt this pattern this time?" Right? Take it one instance, one situation at a time.

[00:27:49]You're not trying to fix it, fix it forever. where you're not trying to completely um eradicate it or eliminate it right now. It's this one time. How can I interrupt the pattern? How can I change it today or in this moment? Okay.

[00:28:05]Um even asking yourself um is it is what I'm about to do effective? Is it going to be effective?

[00:28:16]Rather than am I justified? Because ultimately a lot of times we continue the pattern because we find a way to justify us to continue it, right? And often times it's like well I'm an adult.

[00:28:29]I can do this or um you know I can say what I want or you know sometimes we find ways to justify what we're doing.

[00:28:36]So finding ways to interrupt not just the pattern but also where we feel justified to continue the pattern. So instead of am I justified, more so ask is is what I'm about to do going to be effective. Is this what my future self or my healed self want would is this what my healed self would want me to do?

[00:28:59]Right? Thinking about it outside of justification.

[00:29:04]Right? Small interruptions change long-term habits. So the more that you're able to interrupt it on the small level, the more you'll be able to interrupt it on the big stuff, right? So taking it and pacing it at at your own, you know, pace and just understanding that all behaviors serve as a function. They it serves a function. It's it's solving a problem. And understanding what the problem is that it's solving is the beginning of interrupting, right?

[00:29:37]um even behaviors we dislike make sense when we understand what they're accomplishing. When we know what the function is, then we're like, "Okay, well, that makes sense that I want to do that, even though it's a a behavior that I don't want to continue." So, instead of asking, you know, what's wrong with me in wanting to do this?

[00:29:56]Ask what is this behavior doing for me?

[00:30:00]What is it solving? Right? and deal with the solve versus the behavior. How else can I solve this problem by not doing this particular pattern? Okay. So for examples, I avoid difficult conversations.

[00:30:18]The function. So what is it fixing? It reduces anxiety. It may avoid rejection.

[00:30:24]It may avoid conflict. Okay. I stay in healthy rel unhealthy relationships is the pattern. The function may be avoidance of loneliness, provides predictability.

[00:30:38]It keeps me attached or it keeps me attached to the specific person. Another example, I may overwork or I overwork.

[00:30:46]The function creates a sense of worth.

[00:30:49]It distracts from emotions, provides control. Okay, so the behavior may no longer be effective anymore for those particular actions. Um, and it may have once solved the problem, but it was a quick fix. So, what is a long-term fix that I can replace that pattern with to give me the same outcome or if it's an outcome that is not realistic, right? Because ultimately they're going there may be some sense of solitude. So, avoiding loneliness may not be the best function, right? There's a distortion there. So understanding that there's always a function under the behavior. There's always a function under the pattern. You have to understand and figure out what the pattern is solving for you. What is it doing for you? And what is a healthy alternative that I can put in place of it. Okay. Um so it goes back to just noticing what's happening because I know we talk about this a lot. Notice, notice, notice, be aware, right? Notice what's happening. Name the emotion.

[00:32:02]Notice what it's urging you to do. What it's what it what it wants you to do.

[00:32:07]What pattern is it wanting you to gravitate towards?

[00:32:11]Pause before acting and ask the question to interrupt.

[00:32:16]Okay. Make interruption the new pattern.

[00:32:20]Okay. For that particular pattern, make interruption the new one. Okay. What action would future me be proud of? What responses moves me toward a life that I want? Is this action helping me feel better right now or is it helping me build the life I want? Right? Because sometimes those patterns are just instant relief and it's not helping us build out what we actually want or what we're actually looking for. All right, so I hope this is helpful y'all. I got a few reflection questions that you can take away if you want to really explore this a little bit more if this um topic is something that is difficult to navigate especially with the patterns because patterns are very broad right it could be very small patterns or very very big patterns like like I said like addiction or um you know emotional eating there's so many different things that it could that it could be attached to so these are difficult things I always recommend recommend see a therapist, work through these issues. If you already have a therapist, you can take these questions into your therapist and talk through them and say, "This just came up and you know something I was watching I would like to talk through a little bit more."

[00:33:39]Right? Um but a few questions that you can reflect on when it comes to patterns is what pattern keeps showing up in my life? What pattern or patterns keep showing up in my life? Right? the ones that that you know and notice and it's something that you really want to do something about but just don't know what to do. Right? So, what pattern keeps showing up in my life? The next question, what purpose does this pattern serve? It go again it goes back to the function. What is it solving? What is the pattern that I'm continuing to do either conscious or unconscious?

[00:34:19]What is it solving? Okay. What conflict is it is it solving? Okay. What is it doing for me?

[00:34:28]Um what am the next question? What emotion am I trying to avoid? Often times when there's a pattern there's an emotion that you're trying to avoid.

[00:34:38]Okay.

[00:34:39]So think about what you're trying to avoid or what you feel when you're doing when this pattern is happening. Um explore your emotions surrounding it. Uh number four, what does this behavior give me in the short term? Okay, again, what is the function?

[00:34:58]What is the short-term reward that I get? Okay.

[00:35:03]Um what does it cost me in the long term?

[00:35:07]So over time, this pattern has done something to have caused you to want to interrupt it or to stop it. Right? So what is that? Let's name it.

[00:35:21]And then um the last question, if I paused before reacting, what other choice might be available?

[00:35:31]If I paused before reacting, what other choice might be available?

[00:35:38]Okay, so that was the last one. If I pause before reacting, what other choice might be available? So number one, what pattern keeps showing up in my life?

[00:35:48]Number two, what purpose does this pattern serve? Number three, what emotion am I trying to avoid? Number four, what does this behavior give me in the short term? Number five, what does this cost me in the long term? And then number six, if I pause before reacting, what other choice might be available?

[00:36:08]Okay, y'all. I hope this is helpful. I know we back after being out for a week, but um I really truly hope that this was helpful. Thank you all for who for those who voted on the topic. Next week we'll be talking about the struggle to receive love and why that is a struggle. So, thank you for everyone who voted for that topic. Um so, we'll be back here at 8:00 p.m. Central Standard Time next Monday.

[00:36:37]Until next time, y'all all have a great rest of your night and thank you.

[00:36:43]Bye-bye.