We Became Roommates After Retirement...

Added: 2026-05-22

[00:00:00]Sex doesn't die in retirement. It's the silence that kills it. You're not roommates by accident. It's because you're not dealing with the truth.

[00:00:09]>> Keep ignoring it and your relationship may not survive another 10 years.

[00:00:13]>> Now, this video came about because of a question someone left on our YouTube channel. Hi, Markham and Jod. I'm 67 and embarrassed to admit this, but after 10 years of almost no intimacy, I feel more like a roommate than a partner. We never talk about it and I don't even know where to begin. How do we rebuild closeness emotionally and physically when it's been gone for so long? We hear this a lot. We hear this more than we like to hear it. And it's true. It happens when you've been working for a long time and you've you've just not made time for intimacy or sex. It just you get used to it and all of a sudden it's just kind of not happening. And then you land here in the discovery years where you have more time and you think, "Okay, now's my time. Now we're going to start being intimate. Now we're going to have more sex. Now everything's going to be great." Well, it's not as easy as that.

[00:01:08]>> So, let's jump into a few things that we came up with that might help if you're in a situation similar to this, might help you kind of rekindle that flame.

[00:01:17]>> Yeah. The first one is start with touch and not talk. M.

[00:01:23]>> And what I mean by that is not groping, but when you go to sit down to watch TV tonight, instead of you each sitting in separate chairs, why don't you sit on the couch if you have a couch or if you're next to each other and hold his or her hand? Now, the reaction might be like, "What's up?" "Nothing. I just wanted to hold your hand. I haven't held your hand in a long time, and it feels good when I hold your hand. Do you like it? Do you want me to stop? So that might be a good way to do it. Or when you walk by each other in the house, just give a slight little brush like, "Hey sweetie, how are you?"

[00:01:59]>> "Oh, don't do that to me cuz I need a back."

[00:02:03]So I think that instead of talking about it like you don't want to have sex anymore, you don't want to be intimate.

[00:02:09]You you you no start with touch and not talk and just see what happens and just be like that. And I think I think another thing you could do and and I've offered to do this at night in our own bed. So I've kind of let you guys in under the curtain a little bit. Um change one thing in your routine that could really spark closeness, could spark the touching, could spark emotional presence between the two of you. At night, I get into bed after a long day, whether it's retirement transformed or playing golf or dealing with things with the kids or grandkids or dogs or whatever it is, and I get into bed and I really enjoy my breath work and I really enjoy reading. That's my windown time. But over the past week, I've said to Mark at night before I open my Kindle and put my glasses on and all the things, "How about if I don't read tonight and we just hold each other?"

[00:03:03]Or, "How about if I don't read? How about if I change something in my routine? And it does feel like a little bit of a give, not going to lie, but for a big get so that we can remain connected because Mark falls asleep in about 8 nanosconds and I'm still laying there awake because it's only 9:00 at night and I'm not really tired yet. But I think that one change in routine could really help help us connect better.

[00:03:29]>> It has helped us and we don't do it all the time, but I think we should do it tonight. Okay, >> how about that?

[00:03:34]>> I'm good.

[00:03:35]>> Um, how about this? Number three, offer one daily word of kindness. Tell your wife or husband you look good today or thank you for cooking dinner. Or, I really appreciate what you did for me today. Or, I appreciate what you did for that person today. Or, you know, I was thinking about you today and you're such a kind person. I don't think I say that enough. And I really want to let you know how much I love you and how kind I think you are. Now again, if you've not done this in a while, it's going to be new and it's going to be awkward, but do it every day for the next three months.

[00:04:12]See what happens. Things will begin to change. I don't know.

[00:04:15]>> I do. I think along with that, you know, bring out that old Gary Chapman book, you know, the five love languages, and really start to understand each other's love language. And if it's words of affirmation and you haven't done that in 10 years, bring up some words of affirmation. If it's physical touch and you haven't done that in a while, bring in physical touch. I think remembering or even acknowledging and then acting on your partner's love language helps a lot in the connection.

[00:04:44]>> All right. Number four, try again. This is this question. You haven't been intimate for 10 years. So instead of saying, well, not instead of saying, how about trying this?

[00:04:56]Acknowledge the distance between you with compassion, >> say something like, you know, I really miss the days when you and I were intimate. I know it's different now. We feel different. We look different, but I still miss being intimate with you. And I just wanted you to know that that I'd love to find a way to move more towards an intimate life together.

[00:05:23]>> And I really think that creates this safe base to open conversations, not about rehashing the past, but about dreaming together. What could the future of our intimacy look like if we both gave a little bit more?

[00:05:37]>> And it can't be about blame. No, it's not. It can't be it's your fault, it's my fault. I tried the other day and you chunted me away. No, it it can't be that. If you if you both desire, you want to build desire on both parts, both people to get together. So, a nice touch, a kind word. Um, acknowledge a distance with uh kindness. I think that's a good start.

[00:06:02]>> And I think the next one really speaks to me, you know, really acknowledge the emotional connection before the physical intimate connection. And that doesn't mean a long discussion, but where are you both emotionally in your relationship? Have you both invested in each other and in yourselves to make sure you are emotionally equipped to move the relationship to the next level during this phase of your life? If you haven't gone through the emotional part, in my opinion, the physical part will just become robotic.

[00:06:35]>> Yeah. And things like reminiscing about days gone by, some special times you had together that brings a smile to both of your faces, a romantic weekend you had away, something like that. I think that that's >> we could use a romantic weekend away now that you said that.

[00:06:51]>> So, let's do it. Let's figure it out.

[00:06:53]All right. Um, number six, start to get curious. What feels good now? I It's not going to be the same. It's not the same for us from when we first met. So, you've got to be curious and be open to I don't want to use the word experimenting because that sounds too clinical, but you've got to be open to what feels good. And I think you have to be able to tell your partner what feels good. And not in crude language, but in really nice, kind language. You know, what would feel good for me to do right now for you that feels comforting? that feels nice that that might get you aroused. I don't know. I mean, >> well, and I think it's important to note, you know, both bodies change over time, right? The male body changes over time and the female body changes over time. So, that doesn't mean your intimacy dissolves. What it means is your intimacy should evolve, right, over time with your changing bodies. And Mark and I have had this discussion and I'll be candid with you guys because I've been candid with you in the past. You know, there were aspects and segments and time frames in my life where I didn't feel good about my body. And I don't know whether not feeling good about the way you look unlocks or or locks maybe, you know, your desire channel like in your physical body. But, you know, do what you need to do to feel good about the skin you're in in the body God gave you and, you know, deal with it, you know, or deal with the ramifications of, you know, maybe I need to work out more or drink more water or drink less wine, eat less cake, whatever your thing might be to make you feel sexual.

[00:08:44]>> Yeah, >> I think it's important.

[00:08:46]>> You know, we had a sex therapist on uh we can put the link to the video below.

[00:08:51]There's probably three or four videos we have on this topic, but her name was Alicia Farrell >> and she's a sex therapist and she gave this exercise at the end of the session that talked about getting on a bed completely naked and going through an exercise where you take 20 minutes each and touch the other person. Never in a sexual way, but just rubbing the arm, the leg, whatever they say feels good.

[00:09:24]Kind of opens up this feeling of what parts of the body does Jodie want me to touch and what parts does she not want me to touch? Because if I touch a part that she doesn't want me to, that just is a turnoff.

[00:09:39]>> Yeah.

[00:09:39]>> So, it might just start with the feet or the hands or the arms or the back or the shoulders, but that's okay. So try that once a week for a month.

[00:09:49]>> See where it leads.

[00:09:50]>> Absolutely.

[00:09:50]>> I I think that that she does that with a lot of her clients and it works. It works really well.

[00:09:55]>> Next one is, and I'm actually not good at this by nature. I have to work hard to be good at that. And that is talking openly about what your desires are and what your desires are not. You know, what's a go zone? What's a no-go zone?

[00:10:10]What makes you feel good? What doesn't make you feel good? Mark is much more open about that. I just didn't grow up in an environment where we talked about those things. So, it always feels a little private for me, but then we kind of laugh and say, if it's not private between the two of us, who is it private with other than just yourself? So, the only way you're going to get better at it, more comfortable with it, is to talk about it >> and be serious about it. And don't do don't don't offer, you know, don't shoot blame at the other person, >> but be really honest and sincere and kind and thoughtful and listen. And I think that will really help.

[00:10:47]>> Now, if you're still at a problem like um there's been no intimacy for 10 years, get some professional help. Don't be embarrassed about that. If you're in a 20-year marriage or a 30-year marriage and you are now entering this discovery phase and you have 20 more years to go, do you both agree that it's okay not to be intimate for the next 20 years?

[00:11:12]Propose that as a as a conversation or do we want to find a way now that we're in this phase of life where we have more time together to rebuild intimacy and maybe we need some professional help and get it. There are a lot of counselors out there that specialize in this for couples >> and I I will tell you um you are also modeling for your adult children what intimacy and partnership and I don't mean visually but like you know our kids will say to me I think it's so cute you and Mark always sit next to each other or you always loop your arm in his or you tuck your thumb in his hand when you walk or you know they notice those things about your intimate intimate connections and I think It's important to model strong intimate behavior for your kids. And again, I don't mean in a weird graphic way.

[00:12:01]>> Well, no, but I think the opposite is true, too. They notice when you're mean to each other, you're disrespectful to each other, you're distant. What's up?

[00:12:08]>> Whoops.

[00:12:08]>> I caught you pointing again.

[00:12:10]>> What did that happen?

[00:12:11]>> I'm disrespectful and mean. They notice when you're not getting along. They notice when you're fighting. They notice when there's tension. And you know what?

[00:12:19]It upsets them.

[00:12:20]>> It does upset them. But it also teaches them that, well, maybe it's okay if I get like that when I'm mom's age because I love mom. She's a great mom and if she's going to be like that with her husband, then I can be the same way. No.

[00:12:34]So, you have to, as you say, be a role model for the good >> and get rid of the bad, >> right?

[00:12:39]>> So, here's a question our team put together.

[00:12:42]>> I love this because I have a good story for this. My husband and I haven't kissed in over five years. Not even on the cheek. Is that fixable or is it already too late? That's Lisa. All right. So, we we have an agreement.

[00:12:58]First thing in the morning when we see each other, we kiss each other on the lips. Now, Jod's lips are tight because she hasn't brushed her teeth yet.

[00:13:06]>> I'm a toothbrusher. She may have had a little bit of coffee and she go she's tighter than a crab's ass at high tie.

[00:13:15]Love that saying. But we kiss. We kiss on the cheek all the time, but first thing in the morning we kiss. I wish that we kissed more. So I did this thing. I don't know a couple years ago.

[00:13:29]I said, "You know what I'm going to do?

[00:13:31]We're not kissing enough in my mind. So before we go to bed at night, we'll have just brushed our teeth so it'll be nice and fresh and I'm going to give you kissing lessons.

[00:13:41]>> Oh my god, you totally are wrong. I'm the one that started that in Pacific Grove in an Airbnb when we were visiting Johnny and you're going to take credit for it.

[00:13:50]>> Sure.

[00:13:50]>> That is crap.

[00:13:52]>> All right, you tell the story.

[00:13:53]>> That is crap. I just want to go on.

[00:13:56]>> Go ahead, tell the story.

[00:13:57]>> So, uh, we were in California visiting our son and daughter-in-law and grandkids that live in Monterey. We had a little tiny Airbnb in Pacific Grove and we had a long busy day with the kids. We were back at the Airbnb and >> they want to hear about the lessons >> and I realized that we had been relatively disconnected physically during the day cuz we were just going in a million directions. So I said to Mark, why don't we start French kiss lessons and we'll take it slow. The first night will just be a little French kiss and then we'll go for a little bit bigger French kiss and then we'll start to go for maybe a six-second French kiss. So, we went through this whole thing and I can't believe you tried to hijack that as your thing.

[00:14:39]>> I thought it was mine. But you know what? That's what you got to try to do.

[00:14:44]Where is she? Lisa.

[00:14:45]>> Lisa from Santa Fe.

[00:14:46]>> French kissing lesson.

[00:14:48]>> And I we I just made it up >> with your husband.

[00:14:51]>> Yeah.

[00:14:52]>> Okay. How do you reignite physical touch when it feels awkward? Even repellent.

[00:14:58]Now, this is from Brian 71.

[00:15:01]>> So, repellent, it's hard. You know, in this video, we talked a lot about um the exercise that the sex therapist talked about getting on the bed naked, and maybe that's just too big of a step. So, maybe go back to the beginning of this video, this the the nine steps we talked about.

[00:15:22]Start with touch. Um share openly how you feel. Just talk about getting closer together. It's so in the very beginning I said, you know, um retirement hasn't killed your marriage. It's the silence that's killed your relationship. That's why you're roommates now cuz you're not talking about it.

[00:15:41]>> So, you've really got to find a way to open up and >> go through the steps we talked about. I I think that's why we put this video together is to help people like him. You hear us talk a lot on this channel about habits and maybe you've got some bad habits that you need to break yourself.

[00:16:00]We created a free download is below the five bad habits to stop while you're retired. So download that and use that as a tool to break some bad habits.

[00:16:11]>> I also think Brian you should um unpack a little bit around the word repellent.

[00:16:17]Like what about it is repellent? I will tell you there are times when I am, for example, brushing my teeth or I am, you know, fixing my hair or we're on a tight time lane to meet another couple out to dinner and Mark will come up behind me with a desire for physical touch and I'm really good at throwing the hands around like like marks everywhere.

[00:16:43]>> No, but like not now. Like like not a good time. And it's hard to say that to your partner.

[00:16:50]So I don't know if the repellent is actually like kind of what I'm talking about just bad timing or the repellent is something more you need to unpack emotionally.

[00:16:59]>> Right. Right. I get that. Good one. All right. Um David who's 66 from Boston.

[00:17:05]Markham. I feel invisible in my own home. I feel like that sometimes too.

[00:17:11]How do men your age start expressing emotional needs when we've been taught to hide them? Such a great question and it's uh I have this saying where it's hard to be a human.

[00:17:25]It's hard to be a human living in a home with another human. And I think frankly sometimes it's harder to be a man because we were taught I was taught by my dad not to share my emotions, not to cry in public, to hold it in, solve the problem myself. And that has done me damage over the years. So now for me to just flip a switch and be able to do it, it's hard. But Jod and I have worked together on having an open line of communication. And if I need to have a serious chat with Jod about how I'm feeling, I preface it with, I need to talk to you about something that's on my mind. I like full attention. Let's put our phones down. And is this a good time to do that? And they also say, I'm not really looking for you to help me fix it. I'm not looking for you to respond.

[00:18:16]I definitely don't want you to react. I just want to get this out and tell you how I'm feeling. And then I want you to think about it. and then I want us to find some time where we can talk about it again. I is that something you are okay with? So, you're kind of setting the stage. Maybe the timing isn't right.

[00:18:36]Maybe she doesn't like the rules, whatever. But I think that's a good way to open up the channel of communication.

[00:18:43]I don't know if you have a your perspective on that.

[00:18:46]>> Well, my perspective is I love the saying it's hard to be a human. It's hard to be in a human in a relationship living in the same household as another human. I don't personally feel it's harder to be a man or harder to be a woman. I like it. I like the statement it's hard to be a human sometimes >> because I think in the older mindset of you know women had this opportunity to be emotional and you know all the things. I grew up in corporate America for 35 years and if you think I had the liberty to be emotional, to be vulnerable, to be who I was, I mean you're like flat out batshit crazy. Like I had to suppress all of that. zip an iron suit on and then when I come home now I'm supposed to be a mom and loving and caring and a spouse and a partner and all the things. So I do not think it's harder to be a man and I know we go round and round with that but I do think it's hard to be a human in the in the house with another human without intentionality.

[00:19:44]>> Okay. So your point was all about how you were able to suppress your emotions.

[00:19:51]I was taught by my dad day in and day out not to share your emotions. I was told not to. And I think a lot of men get that from their dads. So maybe it's not harder to be a man, but it's harder to share my emotions than it is for you.

[00:20:06]I know that as a fact cuz you're really good at it and your daughters are good at it. Myself and my three sons, we're not good at it. We're not. And it's hard. So, I was just trying to give him some coaching on a way to get around that, to be able to be comfortable to do that. Otherwise, we just suck it up and live without sharing our emotions. So, it's a great question, a good conversation that we're not on the same page on.

[00:20:33]>> Definitely not, >> which is okay. All right. Um, James, who's 70 years old in Florida. I fantasize about leaving just to feel wanted again. Hm. I fantasize about leaving. I guess he means his marriage.

[00:20:49]How do I bring that brutal truth into a conversation without ending the marriage?

[00:20:56]I think that again, you've got to set the stage for a conversation. It sounds like this is a pretty significant feeling that you're having and it feels like you're at the end of a rope and that's bad. But I think you need to set the stage for a conversation with your wife and say, "I need to share with you about some things that I'm feeling and I want to share them in the hopes of building our relationship back to where it used to be." That might be a good way to start. And on top of that, you know, I would unpack this feeling that leaving is better. You know, the whole grass isn't always greener, all the things.

[00:21:36]Um, why would leaving be better? To make the people in your home or your spouse or your partner in your home want you more or to go somewhere else to be wanted more and different? Um, because those are two very different things. So, I think that it always starts with work on yourself. you know, what should you be doing differently? What should you be changing? How can you show up differently? And then help from your spouse or partner and all of it may be wrapped in some therapy.

[00:22:05]>> Yeah. And you know, maybe you do need I was going to say maybe you need couples therapy, but also ask your wife, how does she feel about the current state of your relationship? And kind of share that together, not to solve the problem in the first discussion, but just to start an open line of communication. So, I hope that was helpful.

[00:22:25]>> If you like this video, >> you're going to love this next one, too.

[00:22:28]>> 50% of people who are 65 to 70 are still reporting to be sexually active. Once we hit age 71 to 75, 40% age 76 to 80 25%.

[00:22:40]The good news is that 20% of people who are in their 90s are reporting to still be sexually