Priest Dies From Sepsis And Sees Souls Leaving Earth (NDE) | Kailey Sweeney

Added: 2026-05-05

[00:00:00]I experienced nothingness, but I still had consciousness of some form.

[00:00:05]My my first thoughts were, I'm going to hell, just rushing.

[00:00:13]And so I surrendered my mind to that.

[00:00:18]But the room became lighter and there were uh beings there waiting for me. My initial thoughts were these are nurses.

[00:00:38]I was an Anglican priest and was married and had children. I had a small parish uh at a glee.

[00:00:47]So it was a very uh conservative church.

[00:00:51]It does not ordain women.

[00:00:57]Okay. Uh so I was father Kevin.

[00:01:02]Um the in the cannons or I should say in the law of how this church as an organization operates, it's language referring to people who have gender dysphoria, particularly people who transition. I just think that we are um mentally ill or a threat to women and and children.

[00:01:28]Um and I there's really no way that I can satisfy th those folks. Those things are going to be there. I can say and guarantee I am no threat to anyone.

[00:01:41]I was raised in a rural Virginia uh in a small city. Uh there really was no one that I had as a role model. And uh the the few times that um my gender dysphoria bubble to the surface and I would make my parents aware or some students in my class would pick up on it. Uh it usually resulted in something negative.

[00:02:14]uh whether uh being kicked and hit on and hit physically beat uh in the bathroom, which was unpleasant. Um or telling my parents and um when I was in kindergarten and then getting eventually signed up for American football. So, I learned to keep it to myself and I tried to live a fairly normal life. I got married and had a child, the things you're supposed to do, but still I struggled. Um, started attending this Anglican church and I felt that I should pursue uh ministry and I was ordained in 2006 to the priesthood. It was in 2017 that things really really were coming to a head for me. I I was seeing a therapist. uh the therapist had said, "You need to transition or I fear you might take your life." And I did in fact have a period where um I was in danger of suicide. And I I did have an attempt by of hanging myself when I was in fairly uh desperate straight that did not lead to my to my NDE.

[00:03:39]I I found some work becoming a hospital chaplain that seemed to be a job that would be accepting of me. Hadn't hadn't transitioned yet. Um so I was excited because I was working towards a career where I could transition. And I remember this prayer that that I had cuz I still had the fear that if I transitioned that I'd be damned to hell because it had been pushed on me my entire life that I that I would burn for eternity that God would spit me out and I would I would suffer and that would be for God's pleasure. That's an incredibly defeating thought to think that your uh creator would punish you in such a way merely for living in such a way that affirms what's your heart's desire is.

[00:04:40]I had this prayer where I said, "God, I am going to do this. No matter what you throw at me, I will. There's no obstacle that that I don't think that I can overcome. I've gotten here. I've arrived. That was that was my that was my thought at that point. I I fought so hard for it. I thought it was going to happen. Well, in one week later, I started to get sick.

[00:05:10]I had an infection in my manhood, in my testicles.

[00:05:19]and they hurt like the dickens, but they filled with this fluid, so they just blew up like balloons.

[00:05:26]That was incredibly incredibly painful.

[00:05:29]I went to uh the hospital and I was sent to another hospital for uh an emergency surgery. Um they put in a stint that drained the fluid off and that was supposed to help with the the infection.

[00:05:46]That should be relatively straightforward. You wouldn't think I would have a near-death experience from that. But the infection got into my blood and I developed sepsis.

[00:06:00]I didn't respond well. Um I started developing difficulty breathing. Um and it was over a period of about 3 days it became harder and harder to breathe. and I knew I was going to die.

[00:06:18]I work as a death doula now and people who are dying a few days before their death, they very frequently know that they are going to pass. They start seeing relatives. They might see Jesus. They start having visions. And they may even have a period where it seems like their will um where the thing that is afflicting them and was causing their death seems to subside and families get excited because wow they're doing they're doing so well but they know their they know their death is coming. I knew my death was coming and so I for the little I could I actually started to make preparations for my own death. I asked for priests and uh a priest came from the church that I was ordained in and he came and he uh gave me last rights. My whole family was was gathered together um ready for me to die. My wife was there, my my parents were there. U and then and then my old friend, this priest came. Um I could not take communion. I couldn't take um the the wafer for the Eucharist. I couldn't swallow. They didn't since I was in the hospital. They didn't bring in any wine.

[00:07:45]So, no no wine. No wine for me even for la even for last wish. And then I gave my confession and I confessed to my friend priest that I had fought my entire life that I wished that I would live as a woman and that I had covered that up my entire life that even as a child I had um dressed in my mother's clothes and as as an adult it was called purging where you get rid of all that stuff say I'm not going to do this anymore so you throw it all away but then typically um whatever feelings you have and it's it's it's not it causes mental pain in a I believe in a way that's similar to depression uh but it's similar to physical pain itself right so I confessed all that and you know lying and all and all that mess and I received absolution. Now the thing about absolution is um you absolve assuming that you will turn from your sin and you won't sin again.

[00:09:00]And what I knew is that if I lived, I would still have the same feeling and I absolutely would transition to live as a woman.

[00:09:16]So, did I give a good confession? Well, in my my mind that knew it was dying, my assumption was I have to be prepared to go to hell.

[00:09:29]Very shortly after that, within a few hours, my aoli, the the little sacks in in your lungs, they started to bleed. And so I experienced uh pulmonary failure. I stopped breathing. So I was in this state where my brain was no longer getting oxygen because I wasn't getting any oxygen in through my lungs. And uh that is when I had my experience of dying. If you've ever passed out, people often experience tunnel vision. And that's what happened for me. every it was like my uh peripheral vision was black and it and it closed in till it's just a little like clicking through a straw and then was just I was in I was in the void. I was in a void where there was nothing.

[00:10:28]Uh I think I think the beginning of the the Bible would be vooubhoo or I'm not doing well with my uh he right there but it was for was without form and it was a void. I experienced nothingness but I still had consciousness of some form.

[00:10:50]My my first thoughts were I'm going to hell. Just rushing.

[00:10:57]Um I'm dying. I'm and and and then and then I had surrender. Um I am dead.

[00:11:08]And so I surrendered my mind to that.

[00:11:13]But the room became lighter and I could start to experience things that were going on around me. Um, but my spirit, my consciousness, whatever it is that makes me aware of my surroundings left my body and there were uh beings there waiting for me. My my initial thoughts were these are nurses.

[00:11:43]I mean I I I was in a hospital. They were working on me. And so what who am I to think they are? And um they had me lay down and they while the other one team was working on my body, this other team took me out of the room down a long tunnel and I knew that I had passed.

[00:12:14]And so instead of thinking these are nurses, I I woke up to the thought that uh this is a dark this was a dark hallway. And although there was you were I was able to see like there was no one source of light.

[00:12:34]I assumed that they were going to take me and eventually drop me into some kind of fiery lake or take me to Satan or I didn't know where I would be going.

[00:12:47]There's something that was rather interesting that I have no idea what these things were, but it seemed that along the tunnel that there were doorways and passages that went to other places.

[00:13:01]I I didn't go down any of those, so I don't know what they were. And there were what looked to me to be like large, well-dressed men standing in front of them like they were guarding them. I don't know who they were, but we kept passing them, more and more of them. And then eventually I saw there was light. It looked like, you know, if you're going down a long hallway and then you're going into a room that's that opens up into a large space and has light, that's that's where I was going. And so when I got there, they did not come with me. Um, I got pushed into that light. I I didn't have any choice. I just went to that light. I had no sense of bodily form, but I still perceived myself as self. Um, but a self without the limitation of a physical body.

[00:14:11]um senses um that were no longer confined to the frame of my eyesight or my or my hearing or even my think even my thinking. It's like everything got expanded. I I could use the word infinitely expanded but it doesn't mean anything and it's not something that I can hold on to or or even really imagine as I sit here and try to describe it. I found myself hovering above the hospital. I recognized the hospital and then I was started ascending. I started going up as if something was pulling me up. I've since come to the understanding that somehow we're all connected and I was being pulled by whatever this connection is up into this other realm. But it felt like I was going into space. uh th those uh videos of a rocket going in space and they turn the camera back on the earth and you see the city go away and then you can see the state and then you see the country. I could see the outline of the United States and then I could see the whole world the blue marble that we that we live on like like I was farther in orbit than the International Space Station cuz I could see the whole thing at at one time.

[00:15:37]Then above me, I started to hear voices. They weren't voices that I recognized. It was as if this were uh a a football match, you know, you know, like like we have the Dallas Cowboys versus the Washington used to be Redskins. Um it was just cheering like someone just went oh and they just and so obviously I look up to see what this is and my expectations are of seeing a stadium because that's what I hear and that's what I see. It's really was like a spiral that just continued up into as far as I could see. Uh horizon doesn't really describe it because the old funnel doesn't really have a horizon like you're looking as the earth drops off and because it's round. This wasn't that. And on each level there were luminous beings that still had remains of the shape of who they were as people and also going up and going down. So you had I could see there are souls coming up from the earth coming and joining this this crowd and filling in the stad the stadium or spiral and there were going down to the earth at the same time. And as I started to come up through the bottom of that stadium the sound changed a bit. It went from what I perceived as welcoming the people who were coming into like this host of who I'd say heaven, but the the host of these of these souls were welcoming the souls that were that were joining. But then there was a turn almost like a wailing um or a a mourning or more than mourning it was it was a shock that went through the group of souls that were near me. That was surprising. I was expecting, you know, since I was receiving this like ecstasy and I look down and so, okay, flatearthers that that that are watching this, the earth is not flat.

[00:18:19]And and what I'm going to say is not evidence that the world is flat. Okay?

[00:18:25]It's evidence of us having a different set of perception in the next life.

[00:18:31]We're not bound to three dimensions or four dimensions with time the same. So it's it's a it's a completely different experience with the earth that is round came looked more like a flat space where you could see every person on earth simultaneously and take in their experiences at the same time. And this just happened to be a time when the civil war was hot and they were bombing um the Syrian government was bombing even hospitals and killing women and children. I And so what I heard in heaven I'm sure is what souls not too long ago.

[00:19:19]What um heaven would have sounded like you know when when the United States bombed that school. What I know is that your loved ones who have passed still perceive you can follow you in this life. They can they can see your good and your bad days. And from that experience I see I had a very insulated life. I had a a nearly ideal childhood as being having two parents that loved me and I wanted for nothing.

[00:20:00]And so my sense of the evil in the world really wasn't there. And so some people go and they they have their uh life review.

[00:20:14]And what was necessary for me was to see that the the tremendous suffering and savagery that takes place on on earth and that heaven in fact is is not indifferent about those things.

[00:20:38]um they they mourn those lives even though they're coming even though they're coming to heaven. It's because love it seems obvious perhaps but also how could love possibly be the answer? Well, when I'm on the other side, I felt no want.

[00:21:02]I had no need.

[00:21:04]Um I was empty of a need for uh being built up, you know, no ego, no pride, no worry about how you looked, no hunger, no thirst. And so being in a place without need is we live in nothing. Everything is nothingness. And I felt love. I was developing learning that eventually I would bring back with me that our hatred, our violence for one another, it's completely unnecessary.

[00:21:41]We are united as one soul in this life and in the next life. And we are at one with God.

[00:21:56]And for us to be at war with the environment, our planet is a living, breathing, adapting being.

[00:22:10]And we are just a small part of that.

[00:22:12]We're we're a part of that system. We perceive ourselves as being separate beings but we are all part of the same system and we affect one another well we are one life we seem to be many but we are one life and then as I'm experiencing this love as my understanding expands beyond what I knew before I mean I was I was formed essentially by the prayer book that came out of the Elizabeth and settlements.

[00:22:51]Um, I heard this cheering again. I looked up and there was a balcony at some height above me in this spiral and a the form of a woman came out on the balcony with courters with her on on either side.

[00:23:18]She wore a crown. She had roses strung around her neck much like this scarf is with me now. Her her gown was flanks, but she was blistering.

[00:23:35]She emitted light from her face. And though I could see that it was the form of a woman, I really couldn't look on her and perceive detail.

[00:23:50]and love just rushed over me like I'm being like I'm a baby being held by my mother with no needs and perfect safety with perfect love.

[00:24:15]That's when I started to receive communication from I didn't see her lips move. And my perception is that this is whatever humans call this higher other God. Um and God is God because humans label God.

[00:24:38]but this other that is at unity with us but yet is not us. And that is the voice that I heard first. I heard something that was well just like what uh uh Mary the Queen of Heaven would say to someone like me which is hear not be afraid.

[00:25:05]And I mean, I'm not I was a little bit ago. I was like really, really, really afraid, but I wasn't afraid. I had no I I don't think I knew what fear was anymore.

[00:25:18]Um, you're not going to die.

[00:25:23]And I don't damn people for being who I made them to be.

[00:25:32]I receive the words, but they weren't words for hearing. It was like it resonates through whatever my being was in that point. Imagine a a waterfall with a voice that could that could create words that or that you can understand.

[00:25:54]And and it is that resonant frequency that penetrates your entire being. I created you.

[00:26:05]I know who you are.

[00:26:11]You learned. And these are things that I understood that weren't exactly like words that were said, but they were speaking to say my heart, but my essence. Over time, you learn things that people say to control you.

[00:26:29]And I am angry at the things that people say and do in my name that hurt you, that hurt others.

[00:26:47]and they and they inflict this even holy war in my name when you could lay all that aside and love one another. And then um I got a uh instruction of what to do when I came back.

[00:27:12]I don't care how you worship me. You can be Muslim. You can be Buddhist.

[00:27:19]You can be um Jew, Christian.

[00:27:25]In fact, you can be atheist.

[00:27:30]None of that adds to or takes anything away from who and what I am.

[00:27:40]I have no needs from you that you can fulfill.

[00:27:45]What I care about is that you love one another.

[00:27:52]And your love is not just words. It's and it's not just a feeling. You could tell someone, "I love you." But if if you don't back that up with actions, your words are empty. When you love another, you love me. See, now my beingness, I have a brand new life.

[00:28:17]I'm not the person that I was before. I always tried to live out of love, but also lived out of fear. And fear is the opposite of love. And no, I I I don't have that fear, right? And so I now I'm free as as Kaye to truly love other people as who I am. Go and teach others that the currency of eternity is love.

[00:28:50]Currency is an agreement. the the the pound, the dollar, the frank, the euro have no value other than what we agree in a social contract to use it as a means of exchange.

[00:29:10]I mean, if you're in the desert and you have uh you know, and I have $10,000 and there's no food, that has no value, right? But I have a task. And my task is to say you can you can amass wealth. You can build monuments for yourself. You can have colleges and libraries and you uh named after after you. But in 10,000 years there will be no memory of you.

[00:29:42]Your name will be gone. And in a million years, all that will remain is dust.

[00:29:49]Sand and dust with no one to remember your name.

[00:29:54]And you take none of that with you.

[00:29:59]And if you amass that and you think that that's going to get you a better place on the other side, well, guess what? You're going to arrive there essentially naked of your body just like everyone else.

[00:30:15]And the pain that you inflicted on other people to get where you are or to ignore others, I can't say that you will experience physical pain from that.

[00:30:35]But every time you see another person doing exactly as you did in your life with every ounce of your being, you are going to wish that person to live out of love and humility instead of pride, greed, hate, fear.

[00:31:04]And if that's a form of regret, if that's hell to you, I think that's what you'll experience.

[00:31:13]So, I was sent back with that task that I I I'm trying to do.

[00:31:23]I was in a coma for a week. Um, I was intubated.

[00:31:29]Um, drained my lungs of fluid. um were able to normalize all my fats, my heartbeat and all all of that normalized, but um they had me in a medically induced coma to give my lungs and and even my heart um time to heal. I have scarring in one of my ventricles of my heart and I have scarring in my left lung still. So I still I have you know some after effects from that. I and so while I was in this coma, I still had an awareness.

[00:32:05]The transition from that space to Earth, this is not an easy transition. And so I was put in a place where I could slowly be brought back. And I was in a white room. Um I had a bed. There was a desk with a big book on it and there was a mirror and from the mirror I I guess that represented what the other side of the veil that where I so I was still I'm in this kind of in between space and I would still get instruction from the other side. They would still talk to me from there. So, I know I wasn't quite there yet to I mean here on Earth and I was told to look at this document and this I mean something that you know you know what the old family Bible looks like how thick those books are. There was that book sitting on that desk and I and I open it up and what I understood as I was flipping pages and going, "This is a contract."

[00:33:22]Um, why do I have a contract? Looking at the mirror, what?

[00:33:29]This was a life contract in some respects. This was my life review after the the near-death experience.

[00:33:39]What I realize is I was made to be who I am from the very beginning.

[00:33:49]And my my life could have taken a different direction, I suppose.

[00:33:57]Um, but I I was made to be a certain way and to have certain desires and to have certain gifts. Uh, anyway, I'm in that room. I'm going through the book and I and I realize I had opportunities at different stages in my life when I could have gone one way and it probably probably the biggest one was my choice of college. I went there and it was a school that had recently gone from being all male to co-ed and oh yeah, I'd be there. Oh, I want to be like the these young ladies that are in my class. I desire. I mean, that was that was one. Then the next one as as I as I become a young adult, my mother introduces me to a a very fine uh woman, you know, who's who's smart and beautiful um and a great heart uh and and I marry her and never tell her anything about the desires that I have until after we've been married for 20 years.

[00:35:00]So, you know, I I see in that book these different junctions that I could have gone a different way. And then you get to the section that has future and uh my future was for me to use my giftedness and allow myself to be fashioned into this different person. I mean I'm the same person. I have the same memories, you know, I have a continuity of life. But when you know when you take things away like like fear and uh you replace that with a a selfless love that is a radically changed person. when you live your purpose um you you are radically changed because among the things that I learned from God is yes you will minister to the least of these but you will also suffer and then I came out of that I I remember waking up when they're pulling this tube out of me but that first breath We take breath for granted.

[00:36:23]That first breath on my own was the most glorious breath I had taken in my entire life. I had never just appreciated being able to breathe on my own.

[00:36:41]and I breathed that breath and I've kept breathing ever since.

[00:36:47]>> Thanks so much for all going into such depth and for being so vulnerable as well because I know that you probably been through a lot of >> bullying and torment.

[00:36:57]>> Well, I mean, I'm divorced.

[00:37:00]>> Yeah.

[00:37:00]>> When I got out, I I went through physical therapy. I had to learn how to walk again. Um I had to learn to go to the bathroom.

[00:37:10]I mean just the little things that well people take for granted I had to relearn and build the strength to be able to do again. After a few months I was called by my clinical pastoral education supervisor and said hey we have a new term that is starting in October. If you would like to participate um you would be welcome. I went oh yes please. And though I was still tired walking um and I started um I was a chaplain in some nursing homes and then I would come and I would report to my supervisor and my cadre of other chaplain and we would all talk about our interactions with one another and we would critique one another and and I just I just grew in that in that period. Uh I started practicing Buddhism.

[00:38:02]I was an Anglican priest still, right?

[00:38:06]Because I still was at that little church. Still had to have housing. Yet in the afternoon, I had my Gahanszan that I would open up and and I would chant the Lotus Sutra. And I did that morning and evening every day. I still preached on Sundays. Eventually, my welcomeness at the church started to fall away. It was so conservative. You know, I had brought in um a lady whose daughter was a lesbian and I had told her the daughter, "You're always welcome in my home and in this church." And she and her mother um while I was still away recovering were run out of the church by the ladies of the church.

[00:38:52]And so I came back to that when there was infighting and I didn't have the strength to deal with that and I did not want to deal with that. Um so I did my chapency and eventually I got accepted into this residency where I would work as a chaplain in in a hospital and actually get paid for it.

[00:39:17]And uh you know I had to tell my church that I was leaving. I talked to my spouse and she was like, "Yeah, I I'm not going with you. If you want to live your life as a woman, I can't be with you." So, I got a divorce.

[00:39:34]When you get divorced, you if you have that, you lose your assets basically in the in the United States, which I guess is is only fair.

[00:39:44]So, that happened. I had to renounce my orders as a priest to my bishop. So I had to say I am no longer called by God to be a priest or to be in ministry. I had to say that. So you know um my church would have put me on trial. I guess I'm not a priest anymore.

[00:40:05]Of course I'm still a priest but not in that jurisdiction. And and then how the public looks at you differently.

[00:40:12]Thankfully I haven't experienced a lot of issues with that. I have had three death uh threats and I had someone slice all four tires of my car in my driveway over one night, you know. So, people will um will hate me and people like me and anyway, I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying here.

[00:40:37]I'm stubborn.

[00:40:39]Anyway, yeah, go ahead and ask me some questions.

[00:40:42]>> Yeah, going right back to the beginning.

[00:40:45]You had sepsis because you got an infection in your testicles.

[00:40:51]>> Yeah.

[00:40:51]>> Do you think that is linked to the fact that you didn't want to be male anymore?

[00:40:55]Because I know that your body speaks your mind.

[00:40:59]>> It's not a coincidence.

[00:41:01]>> Excellent question.

[00:41:03]And I have never had an interviewer ask me that. So, thank you Natasha. That's very observant. Um, absolutely. I think that whatever makes me me was rejecting my being male.

[00:41:23]You know, you when you have stress, you build up cortisol.

[00:41:28]And yeah, I think that the the decades of experiencing that stress affected me in a way that my body may have been uh rejecting itself because I didn't do anything to make that happen. Tried to be the best priest I could be. I started a homeless shelter, Natasha. Um, I was so convinced that that I had to overcome this dysphoria by by being a the best person you could possibly be. What did that look like? Well, for one thing, it was being uh married, having a kid. The other was being a priest. That didn't hurt. That was usually they're usually pretty good people. And then you working at a homeless shelter. You know, I was overmpensating for who I was. And yeah, I think that worked on the boys and um you know, thankfully I don't have to worry about them anymore.

[00:42:26]>> You can't run away from that. You know, it's something that stays with you and and I think any disease.

[00:42:31]>> Yeah.

[00:42:31]>> And wherever wherever it stores in your body is your body telling you where you need to look at.

[00:42:38]>> I agree. I agree.

[00:42:39]>> It's calling attention to it.

[00:42:41]>> Yeah. And so like you say, you can be the best person you can be, but if you're not the best person you can be to yourself, of what use is that?

[00:42:49]>> It's of none. You have we have this life.

[00:42:53]>> Yeah. Yeah.

[00:42:54]>> We should be happy, have whatever joy we have and and and share that as love.

[00:43:02]>> Well, it's so interesting. I interviewed um Benley Tolman recently again and uh he was taken through heaven and one of the lessons he learned was about prejudice and he said I am not prejudiced and then he was traveling with his guide and as soon as he said that this he stopped traveling fast and he said well I'm not and he said well are you prejudiced what do you think of people that are prejudiced again you know and he said well I don't like goes.

[00:43:35]So even then we have prejudice even if we think we don't you know and it's so difficult to not judge and I think that's it's a huge lesson that people need to learn because we are all part of God as you say. Yeah. Okay.

[00:43:48]>> We have to love the people that don't love us. Isn't that in church to or or in communities if you're if you're an outsider the need to belong is bigger than the need to accept.

[00:44:02]>> Yeah. Absolutely.

[00:44:03]>> And just so that they can be part of that community and not be also kicked out because you know you did something that was not how we do things around here.

[00:44:12]>> Right. And sometimes groups define themselves not by who they are but by who they're not.

[00:44:20]>> Yes. And so they others they they they other other people and other and other groups and that p somehow pulls them together more. I think the probably the bigger thing is it prevents people from leaving because when if you leave then well then you are that other.

[00:44:37]>> You did a drawing. It reminds me of Dante's Inferno. Have you seen Dante's Inferno? You must have.

[00:44:44]>> Oh come on. When I was a priest, I taught a class at a pub. I wanted to get out of the church and go somewhere where you wouldn't expect to find the church.

[00:44:56]So, I went to a pub with my parishioners and I taught purgatorio, the the middle book of the divine comedy. So, yeah, I'm familiar. Yes.

[00:45:07]>> Yeah. I went to visit the Sistine Chapel in Rome and um there's also one of the paintings on there. You see the the souls leaving and the souls coming down from earth >> and I know that you get shown what what is in alignment with what you know.

[00:45:23]>> So what was the significance for you of seeing that? Like I know you could describe it and everyone thinks oh I'm going to see that cuz if Dante saw that too he would have also seen similar stuff which means it's not just a thing of your imagination.

[00:45:38]>> Yeah.

[00:45:38]>> Um but what was the significance to you?

[00:45:41]Well, I'm relatively certain that some souls come back and experience life on this plane again and then they wake up and they're infants and they have limited to no sense of of who or what they were before um they were born. You know, the the soul they carry still has an imprint on it of who they are and always have been.

[00:46:08]Yeah, I believe that. And to see the Virgin Mary because I mean I know like she's just the ultimate divine feminine, right?

[00:46:18]>> She is the ultimate divine feminine.

[00:46:21]Yeah, she really she really is. I mean I think from different cultures someone might see Bridg Celtic uh religions.

[00:46:30]They might see that. I think that image is cross-cultural.

[00:46:36]Mary being the godbearer uh the mother of God. She says let it be in that theology right she was at one with the godhead. Jesus is fully God and fully man. Mary is not just carrying a separate life. She is carrying a life that is at one with her. She was literally the mother of God. It changes who I am to more be able to be a vessel that carries what the transcendent holy other wants me to be. Does that make sense?

[00:47:20]>> Yeah.

[00:47:22]And you mentioned that big book. That is a a big contract.

[00:47:30]>> I'm 56 years old. I have a long you you call your attorney over. Just hold on. I need to read this through.

[00:47:39]Yeah, it's quite interesting that um you know the way it was presented. I kind of like got this image of you know Ariel and the Little Mermaid. She had to live in pain because she gave up being a mermaid so that she could be human and living on earth. It's almost feels like the same kind of story you're having.

[00:47:55]>> It's a similar story. Yeah. I mean it's just it's it is a transformation story, you know. Yeah.

[00:48:04]>> So ultimately the question is is is that where you feel that you need to be and are you in the right place with yourself now?

[00:48:14]>> Okay.

[00:48:16]I am still becoming I didn't I never I I kept going the direction that I was and I never made any kind of change. I and I would have died never knowing what my life would be and then to go and face my creator. I am certain that I would have gone and go I even brought you up into my realm so I could tell you face to face that I love you and accept you as you are.

[00:48:52]So be who you are. I made you who you are. so that you can help others who've been crushed by the vital expectation to live lives that are inauthentic.

[00:49:07]People who will kill themselves because they cannot bear living another day in the prison that they have made for themselves.

[00:49:18]thinking that that is there that when you lived according to the expectations of others, you build yourself a prison and I was living in a prison of my own making. I'm free, Natasha. I'm free.

[00:49:38]I lost my marriage.

[00:49:42]I had lost friends that I thought loved me, that I still love.

[00:49:50]Um, I lost basically all of my life savings and investments that I had made up till that point in my life. That doesn't matter. That's just a little thing.

[00:50:05]um to to go and and um have to communicate to to my bishop that I am no longer a priest of the gospel.

[00:50:18]I'm I am no longer worthy to celebrate the holy communion. To give that up is like trying to rip out my heart.

[00:50:31]And I still feel that pain.

[00:50:36]And you lose friends and you lose family.

[00:50:40]Would I do it again?

[00:50:42]Absolutely.

[00:50:44]Knowing what I know, knowing what I have gone through, I wouldn't change a thing.

[00:50:51]Oh, I would change some things. Sure.

[00:50:54]Yeah. There are some things I would like to do differently, but I'm on a journey.

[00:50:58]I learn from those things. Um so it's I am not at a destination in life. I am never going to be where I can just go here. I am for me it is always this is my path and it's my my hope that I can walk with fellow pilgrims along their path and that we can strengthen one another by loving one another by sharing with one another. So the the the the destination is community.

[00:51:46]What I wear, how I look, how my body is construed.

[00:51:52]Um my spirit has transcended all of that.

[00:51:57]Um I I I wanted to present and look a certain way cuz I like not having my face bashed in.

[00:52:08]So, um I have this terrible word called passing.

[00:52:14]I passed or um female in almost every situation that I go in. Um today I really didn't do anything with my hair or my my makeup to try to do anything special. About the only thing that would give me away is my voice, but even that really doesn't do that. So, I live more or less unaffected by being Kaye. So, I experience my life 100% as Kaye. I am not the the name or gender or pronouns that I was before. And they don't control who I am now either. I think that in my um near-death experience that um something what the the Buddhist would call a bodhisaka, I am a soul that gave up passing into Nirvana in order to come back and help other people ascend to a higher realm.

[00:53:20]And for many people, that may just be the little bit of time that we spend together that that lifts them out of their experience of hell into a higher vibration. I also um let go of the effects that that love will have. I don't own them. I don't own the love. I you give it freely. And so that energy goes out and heals and transforms that eventually can heal minds and hearts because our our hearts are face it our our mind our heart our gut are all part of our consciousness.

[00:54:08]So we are more than just what's between our ears. And we just need to to build enough of that to overcome where we are. But it seems like the darkness is overwhelming. But I think this is his last breath and that it will be overcome.

[00:54:30]>> Well, we're in the midst of it.

[00:54:31]>> We're in the midst of it. It's it's it's a radical time. It's a radical time. I guess the post World War II era is ending and we're moving into something else and the old one is is having its death rattle and I just pray we transcend it. Yeah.

[00:54:51]>> Well, that's what we're here for.

[00:54:53]>> Yeah.

[00:54:54]>> And you chose a very difficult life this time around. you're able to speak for people, you know, even people that that are told as as a child they must pursue a certain career and they don't want to. They'd rather, you know, be an artist or something and and they're living off a life. And I was watching a my my son told me to watch some um he's a gamer, but he was commenting on this judge who's always in a bad mood. And I thought, you know, this judge clearly is not enjoying what he's doing. This is not the life that he wanted. A and you can see it and you know it affects us. It ripples through everything. It ripples into the courtroom. It ripples into his personal life when he gets home. The people that get punished. I mean it just has such a bad effect. Don't be anybody other than what you're meant to be.

[00:55:46]>> And I also stand for that. For me, it's about freedom and authenticity and and being yourself and not worrying about what others say. But but the consequences can be difficult. Maybe they get excommunicated from their families or from finances or whatever like you've been doing >> your church.

[00:56:05]>> But I'm so glad you said you would choose it again.

[00:56:07]>> I would choose it again. I um we are we are made with propensities and and gifts and desires.

[00:56:18]And very early in our lives, I think we learn to ignore them, set them aside, um believe we don't have them. I There's a a priest who gives another priest some advice. And he says, "Don't be less than who you are.

[00:56:39]>> Don't let them make you less than who you are." And that is that is um I mean parents do that to their with their children. Um society does that, employers do that with their employees and we do it to ourselves um for I don't know conformity or many other many I guess other reasons and we justify it and so we lose that sense of who we are and we create a facade.

[00:57:10]>> Okay. So tell us about your book and then also how people can get hold of you.

[00:57:14]>> The first one is called Chicken Coupe Chapel. Chicken Coupe Chapel. It is a fictionalized account of my life as the uh vicer at a rural parish and lived in this haunted house has a near-death experience and then their life after and how they become a different person. Um, I have a book. It is called All That Lasts. All That Lasts After You Lose Everything, You Still Have Love. Um, and then I have a third book that I hope to publish as well titled Scapegoat Nation.

[00:57:57]I assist people in finding what gives them a sense of purpose in life. I work with you and and I have a process to go through then we will work on setting some goals so that you can move towards where you want to be and I hold you accountable for that. It's really a pretty pretty simple process primarily for people who are are facing the death of a loved one caregivers and are burned out. people who have deadend jobs and they want to start their own business. I've uh my email hayyan sweenygmail.com.

[00:58:44]>> Yeah, thank you. I'll put that in the description and then um >> just before we go, do you have a message for our viewers?

[00:58:53]Well, first I I have to convey the words again that are six words given to me by the holy other that loves us. That the currency of eternity is love.

[00:59:14]Meditate upon that. Meditate upon the meaning of each word and it it should start to unveil some meaning to you. It will just it's like a scroll and you just read the title of that scroll and you meditate upon that and it'll begin to open and you'll you'll begin to realize what you know what is currency. Well, it's whatever. The only thing that lasts forever is love and the product of love.

[00:59:47]So, but first love yourself and allow yourself to be to be who you truly are, not who others think you ought to be.