PAY ATTENTION! DATING FROM DYSFUNCTIONALITY & CHAOS | DR CHEYENNE BRYANT + KAYLA | FEARFUL AVOIDANT

Added: 2026-05-27

[00:00:00]Love that. I talk about that in Living Your Promise, my my my book, about how my abandonment caused me to have anxious attachment. And mine's was I need you to pretty much be sitting in the same spot when I go cuz I was in college with 26 units a semester. I was engaged with a fiance. And what I loved most about him, Kayla, was you know, he was a fresh off the field football player, fine as hell.

[00:00:20]You know what I mean? But guess what I like about him? He'd be sitting at home.

[00:00:23]See, at 21 and 22, that safety was all my unwise self thought I needed for my anxious attachment and dysfunction.

[00:00:32]As I healed my dysfunction, I started to want to know, "When you going to get the [ __ ] off this couch?"

[00:00:36]>> [laughter] >> Not just literally. It literally work. Go do something with yourself because my anxious attachment is moving into secure attachment, where now I It's not about me trusting you cuz the anxious attachment isn't I don't want you to leave because you're going to cheat. It was never that for me. He was not a cheater. I knock on wood never had that kind of insecurity with men, thank God. It was more my abandonment felt bad when I knew exactly where you were. Like I can pin you. You're there.

[00:01:00]>> [sighs] >> You regulate my emotions. You're right there. You're You're like a blanky. I can That's that anxious attachment. And it's nothing to do with so much the cheating part. That's just an insecurity.

[00:01:10]And so when by time we I called off the wedding, I was in my secure attachment.

[00:01:15]And it really threw off the dynamic of our relationship because now I'm asking and having a higher demand and expectation of you to go out and do things, and you are already the kind of guy that equally has this type of attachment that doesn't want to leave my presence. I was equally trauma bonded with you on that. Now I've healed from my trauma bond. What do you think happens when one person heals from the trauma? Where is the bond? There isn't one. So now if we don't grow together and go from trauma bond to healed bond, we're all healed, so we're not healed anymore.

[00:01:45]Can I get a Hey guys, welcome to Little Black Boot 91. Now, it's interesting because Dr. Sherry I keep telling you about Dr. Sherry Bryant. She don't be telling us the full truth when she says certain things, I feel like, because I If I'm I remember correctly, she the conversation with Nick Cannon some years ago and I did a video on this as well where she broke down her background and what relationship she had been in.

[00:02:06]At 19 20 when you had that relationship you had another one after where you ran away from that too. So you actually hadn't become secure and it's interesting that she mentions the actual the anxious attachment cuz I don't feel like that she's actually an anxious person.

[00:02:20]I and and this may be going back to what I talk about a lot of times when I'm talking about attachment styles. I think she's a fearful avoidant and I think she's masking a lot of her behaviors.

[00:02:28]She's not actually being She's not interacting with the world with her full persona of who she actually is.

[00:02:35]Now if you don't know anything about attachment styles, it's simply the way that we emotionally connect in relationships, the way that we seek for love and safety, okay? And fearful avoidant is one of the four attachment styles, okay? Now, what she said really was really interesting and I'll tell you why I found it interesting because she only spoke about half her attachment which is fearful avoidant carry both an anxious and an avoidant attachment, right? So yes, the fear of abandonment and she's right not necessarily it's not necessarily about cheating, it's about being abandoned. Generally is about being abandoned because you've experienced some form of abandonment as a child, right? Now this is really important because what kind of abandonment did she actually go through?

[00:03:15]Let's let's let's let's go there first of all. I'm going to I'm going to show you something and then I'm going to break some stuff down. I'm going to show you a little bit of my ebook that I've written and it'll be out on Monday by the way guys as well by the time you get this video um on the 25th.

[00:03:28]And you'll see that I talk we we break down some of the behaviors. This aspect of what she's describing, where she's come from, she's not just an anxious person.

[00:03:38]controlling woman of myself. So I don't care who it is, you're not going to have power over me that affects my life in a way that's not positive. And she wasn't doing it from a place of an intentionality. You know, addiction is a sickness. So she was in a sickness and I had to have like you just said grace for her. And I never blamed her and she says that to this day. She says, "You know, Shai, Mom is so grateful that many of my friends who also experienced addiction, a lot of their daughters hate them, don't like them, still blame them.

[00:04:01]They're still pointing their finger at them for abandoning." My mom says, "And they have every right to do that." She's like, "But you don't do that and it makes it easier for her to be able to be the mom that she wants to be." Um Let's pause right there. Just in case you heard the middle of it, and I know the full story. Her mom was a was a had an addiction.

[00:04:18]A drug addiction.

[00:04:20]If you don't know the backstory of her father, her father was involved in drugs, if I remember correctly what she said. If I've misspoken, I'm always happy to correct. But if I remember correctly, her father was involved in drugs, heavy.

[00:04:31]So, you can't tell me that this is probably just an anxious attachment.

[00:04:34]Because the life that you're living, yes, the abandonment has happened from the from the mother figure. But remember I showed you Tricia as well a couple of in another video as well. The background of what you've experienced here is chaos is chaos. This is not a simple case of a parent condition making it conditional love. Even the way you're describing your parent, your parent saying that, you know, they've come back, they're able to say sorry, they're able to re you know, re-ignite the relationship, they're accountable.

[00:04:59]You know, listen, beautiful, but as a child, you would you would have experienced chaos.

[00:05:04]You were the firstborn, right? She's a firstborn and she looked after her siblings. So, you would have been parentified, you would have had to look after your siblings, your your mom would have been on drugs, it would have been chaotic. So, you could not trust you can't trust her leadership, you can't trust her her taking care of you, right? You would have had to probably take on some of those roles. Your father obviously is involved in drugs, so you might have money, but what you might realize is your life is full of chaos, right? Cuz you might have been moving around doing things, there's odd things happening, your physical and emotional safety might not would have been compromised.

[00:05:34]So, this is not a life of an anxious person. This is a life of somebody who's a fearful avoidant born in chaos. So, let me just show you something cuz when I add this to the stage, I want to show you something. This is part of my ebook and some of the things I broke down a little bit. And it's I didn't go too You know, I wanted to share a little something. you. I'm not going to share the whole thing. You know, you got to buy the book. You know what I mean? Um we have an exercise book that was going to go along with it as well to help you guys work through your attachment style.

[00:05:56]The beginning of working through your attachment style. Doesn't Doesn't heal you straight away. It's the beginning.

[00:06:01]You know what I'm saying to you? Okay, so where does a fearful avoidant attachment start? Trauma, abuse, neglect, or chaotic environments.

[00:06:10]Caregivers unpredictable, nurturing sometimes, frightening at other times.

[00:06:15]Does that not fit the bill of having a mother that would have been on drugs, that would have had an addiction, and a father that would potentially was was on the streets?

[00:06:24]Would that not fit that bill?

[00:06:25]Right?

[00:06:27]Would that not fit the bill? Betrayal dynamics, early broken trust, secrets, instability, emotional caregiving role reversal.

[00:06:36]Would she not have had to play that role? If her mom was on drugs, you'd have had to potentially be more understanding, more caring, try to accommodate your mom in that space as well, right? Again, it's not to shame the mom. It's It's more of a case of Every time I hear Every time I hear Shyne Mr. Dr. Shyne Bryant, I always feel like she's There's almost a pose that she puts herself on a pedestal. And I feel like that's the mask. I feel like that that That's the mask, you know, that she always acts as if Almost like she's better than people, you know? Just a little bit like, "I've been through this. I've done And I was like, "Mm, sis, you're still kind of going through it." The way you're talking, you're still kind of going through it, you know?

[00:07:11]Um Let me even just show you an anxious attachment quickly as well, right? So, the anxious attachment, where it formulates, okay? All right. So, why it can be very similar, okay?

[00:07:22]Um you can have You can be at where it develops. Love and attention was unpredictable, warm 1 minute, unavailable the next, which is very similar to fearful avoidants, okay?

[00:07:32]The difference is the caregiver was emotionally overwhelmed, distracted, depressed, or inconsistent. Parent, that can also happen. The child had to learn had to earn closeness through good behavior, achievement, being helpful.

[00:07:44]Now, that could also happen with Dr. Sheinbaum Bryant, but the earning here, your parent the parent is not even present to be earning this aspect. The parent is on drugs. No offense to mom again. So, you know, the the parent is a is a is is an is an addict at this point in time. Okay? Affection comes in bursts rather than reliability. Sometimes early abandonment, physical, emotional, or moving um homes can also create this as well, right? So, all of these things can lead to anxious attachment. That's why the fearful avoidant has both an anxious and an avoidant attachment because they cover both sides of this. Okay? Now, before you shout at me at the screen, where can you get this book? Listen, send me an email to I'll put up I'll put a little banner. Send me an email to LBB91talks.

[00:08:24]If you're interested, I will send you guys an early link um on Monday so you can start buying the book. But, it it's it's it's a highlight this aspect, right? That the what the background where she's coming from doesn't align with being just an anxious person. It's more than that. And every time I hear her, I always And now she's talking about being secure. And the reason why I mention that is because maybe I'll do this in part three is after working with fearful avoidants, they when they do a test and I put them on a test like an attachment style test, there's quite a good number of them that will come out secure.

[00:08:59]And at first I was getting confused and I was like, "What is that?" And I realized it's because they're masking.

[00:09:04]Masking in this instance means you you present a character to the world because you've had to because in order for for your safety to take paramount, in order for you to be able to be emotionally and physically safe, you must create a character.

[00:09:16]And that character [clears throat] protects you from the betrayal, rejection, and abandonment, and not feeling good enough kind of feelings, right? So, the world interacts with this character that you've built. And you seem very secure, very sound, very uh uh uh put together, you know what I'm saying to you? But, it really and truly it's because you minimize your pain. It's because often times you're you're not able to really engage with your emotions all the way, right? So, it looks like you're very secure and very regulated.

[00:09:45]You mirror very well. You know how to mirror people's behavior and and emotional state and energy very well.

[00:09:50]They're very high in on empathy. So, that's that's a massive thing too as well, right? Um But but but what you'll realize is they're able to function very well in chaos. And it's because they normalize chaos. It's because they they diminish or minimize the the chaos that's happening around them. So, scary things where you're like, "Ooh, that's scary."

[00:10:09]They're almost running towards it, right? They're used to instability.

[00:10:12]They're used to They're used to intimacy being at the same time harmful as well as loving. In fact, they're looking for that. They're needing that.

[00:10:20]Right?

[00:10:21]Okay? Now, what does this lead to sabotage? Well, the reality is because there is a feeling of not never being good enough. Now, this is where the avoidant aspect comes in. Never being good enough. Never feeling like you're really worth it. And I always describe this feeling as having a cup that's too small. And I think she might have also used this description as well. And someone pouring into the cup and it overflows. You you don't feel worthy enough. So, your cup's not big enough.

[00:10:43]So, when people when people pour love into you and it begins to overflow, you have to remove yourself cuz you're drowning.

[00:10:49]So, when you feel that love that person's giving you, they're giving you way too much love. They're too secure.

[00:10:54]They're They're too caring. All those kind of feelings. What ends up happening is you start going, "So, when's the punch coming?"

[00:10:59]Because there's nothing more scarier than a punch that you can't see. That's how people get knocked out. So, what the that fearful avoidant learns is, "I've been in a world where I've never fully been safe before." It also leads now to emotional safety and how you can't deal with gratitude or deal with good things happening in your life. So, maybe good things happen in your life and you're like, "Ooh, it's great that I'm this happening, but I've got to prepare for when the next thing goes wrong."

[00:11:23]Why? Because really truly what you experienced is in the past that good things happen and the next thing that happens some level of harm or problem happens your way. So, you learn that as a pattern. So that they fear for the one is not safe. They mask to try and interact with the world, but it also minimize their issues and minimize things happening around them. But when they finally find a place of safety, it becomes scary because they're not ready to receive that love just yet because they don't feel worthy of the love because the cup's not big enough. And then what that does again is all about the fact that if you're giving this to me, when will betrayal take place?

[00:12:00]When will you abandon me? And when are you going to reject me?

[00:12:06]The mask is also there so that people can't see the real you. Cuz if they see the real you, maybe they won't like the real you. At least that's how you feel like. If I show who I really am and I get vulnerable with people really, they might reject me in that space. And that's harmful. That's painful enough.

[00:12:21]So again, this this doesn't align with what she's sharing with us in this moment. So you know, I I I want to go back to our point where we were and and listen a bit more and hear what she's got to say and I'll point out some stuff as well. So let's go.

[00:12:39]I'm about to heal mine.

[00:12:42]Or I killed her. I'm not clingy anymore.

[00:12:44]Can I give a just a very practical like real example?

[00:12:46]>> Yeah.

[00:12:47]I feel like I'm transitioning from being anxious attachment to what is it?

[00:12:50]Avoidant?

[00:12:50]>> Avoidant. Yeah, yeah, no, no. So and I don't think that's a good thing, right?

[00:12:53]Like it feels good cuz it's like oh, I feel like I'm getting my power back and I'm not allowing let's say a man for example. This is just a an example, very loose example, guys.

[00:13:00]So if my guy that I'm dating goes out for the night and we're texting the whole evening. We're texting all day as we usually do, but you know, 9:00, 10:00 hits. Drinks start flowing. He starts having a good time with his friends. And then an hour goes by. I don't have a response.

[00:13:10]>> The time gap starts to An hour goes by.

[00:13:12]I don't have a response. Three hours go by and I'm like, okay, well, now I'm going to just give, you know, just like a wellness check-in call. Nothing crazy.

[00:13:18]Nothing toxic.

[00:13:19]>> Yeah, nothing toxic at all. I just want to know that you're okay and alive.

[00:13:21][clears throat] So at this point, what Kate is describing is the anxious attachment.

[00:13:25]She wants reassurance, right? As a dismissal avoidant, when I start seeing that you're taking too long, that's not my thought process. My thought process is, don't treat me like a blood don't make me feel like I'm needy blood.

[00:13:38]Right? I've messaged you and I've given you a few hours in between you haven't messaged back. Don't make me feel like I'm being needy and because the core wound for a dismissal avoidant is rejection. The core wound for someone who's anxious is abandonment. The core wound for a fearful avoidant is rejection, abandonment, and betrayal, and not feeling good enough. So, they all play into that. But anyway. No answer.

[00:13:59]Then I get a text response to my call.

[00:14:00]Oh, hey, what's up? My bad. Like we are we having drinks, chilling. Okay, yeah, have a good time. Let me know when you make it home.

[00:14:05]Now, you know what happens in the situation? She's now annoyed about the situation. I'm going to go deeper into another video. She's now annoyed about the fact that or hurt or scared or, you know, of the situation because the person's showing a different pattern.

[00:14:18]And what needs to happen right now is actually the truth to come out. This is why it ends up becoming a problem is cuz the truth needs to come out. You do feel some type of way about the fact that they didn't message you because your mind went somewhere. And that's okay to share. Look, my mind goes somewhere when you don't message me after a couple of hours cuz, you know, I want to make sure that you're good. I'm going to be honest with you. I do need a bit of reassurance at this moment cuz I I do feel at points in time sometimes that my mind begins to wonder. That's the truth. That's what you actually need. You actually need them to just be able to wellness check.

[00:14:46]If I'm doing a wellness check, just just message me back. Right? Or call me back.

[00:14:50]But really truly, her mind is going to what? Betrayal.

[00:14:54]Now, that's telling you something. The lack of signs here is that he's only out and your mind is going to betrayal rather than there being rejection. Her mind is going to betrayal. This is where that's an indicator probably that you're a fearful avoidant, not an anxious person. So, what Kayla's also sharing, I start thinking she might be a fearful avoidant because the anxious person is thinking about the abandonment. Yes, it can look like betrayal, too. So, I'm not going to deny that. But what I'm saying to you is the fact that she said she's beginning to shift to the avoidant is technically what a fearful avoidant is.

[00:15:21]They can shift from the avoidant to anxious, but the reality is a lot of fearful avoidants, when they're dating, they often stay in one of the styles of attachment. They might be more anxious, so they date more avoidant men.

[00:15:33]But if you're fearful avoidant who's more avoidant, you'll date more anxious men. And what you'll find is either one is triggering you.

[00:15:39]And so when that relationship leaves, you're going to find yourself swinging back.

[00:15:43]They make it home and I don't get a call or text or now now I'm I'm worried, but really I'm not worried. I'm I'm in my drama. I'm thinking, "Well, what are you doing? And what's going on? Why aren't you answering the phone?"

[00:15:53]>> But I think you're taking too much accountability or responsi- a better word responsibility for his lack of communication. Communication. See, that's what us women have to be careful with, right? Yes, there's some trauma that we all working with that we all can be trauma reactive at times. But if a man is not showing up in his commitment or if he's not covering you no matter where he is, even when he's not in your presence, then that's his responsibility to know that when I'm in a relationship, then there are things that are appropriate for me to do.

[00:16:17]And part of that is to make sure that my girl, my wife, my woman feels safe, no matter where I'm at. Feel safe.

[00:16:23]There's there's truth in what she said.

[00:16:25]There's an element of here where he needs to to to communicate in an effective manner. But we have to also be aware that people do things differently.

[00:16:34]So what we need to do here is have a conversation.

[00:16:36]Because the mind, what it does is it goes straight to especially if you're an avoidant, the mind goes to you're doing this on purpose.

[00:16:43]Oh oh oh, you you think you can mug me off. You think you All right, cool. Let me show you what it is. My mind is not thinking betrayal. My mind is thinking don't think that don't make me feel like I'm being needy, blood. I'm calling you to make sure you're safe and you're ignoring me. Don't take me for a mug.

[00:16:57]That's the avoidant because the fear is ever the fear is being vulnerable and being exposed and and and and being embarrassed. Okay? So that's the dismissive avoidant perspective. The fearful avoidant does go through all the inflections. It could be the fact that they're fear they're fearing the the abandonment. It could be fearing that, you know what? Um I don't want to be too needy. And then that can feed into the fact that actually know, maybe I just feel like, you know what? You're out and about and I think you're you're out here doing stuff. Right? So, again, these can also feed into that aspect as well. It just depends on what your attachment style is, but she's explaining to us. So, look, I I I'll do another video about this where I'll go deeper into her response and kind of break it down as what's needs to happen. The key thing I'm saying to her is this, look, uh you're going to feel like you are abandoning you in relationships and feel like, you know, relationships are not going the way they need to go. But, what you need to recognize is how to be a more how you need to start internalizing and working through and processing to regulate your emotions. Emotion regulation in this instance is more of a case of you looking at the expression, the processing, and the understanding.

[00:18:02]Right? To process, we need to ask ourselves a few questions. Where is this coming from? Why am I feeling this? Um when did I first have this feeling, you know, um etc. You work through questions to kind of process the emotion. You don't just let it You don't just squash it into the corner. You ask questions to unpack it.

[00:18:19]Right? That begets the understanding cuz now you've processed it like, "Oh, I get it now. I understand the emotion of why I'm feeling that now." Right? Which then can lead to the expression if you have vocabulary. Because even having processing and understanding, sometimes you don't have the vocabulary to really explain it. But, most people who begin to process it and understand it usually have vocabulary. Right? Cuz a vocabulary pays it um plays back into the cycle of actually being able to ask yourself those questions to process it in the first place. What you'll find is most people that have struggles here struggle to process, understand, and uh um and and and express themselves. Because the expression that they don't have right now right now to explain to you what it actually feels like really is coming from the fact that they don't have vocabulary, but yes, it comes from the fact that they they haven't processed what they felt. Cuz if they processed what they felt, they might have had more language to explain it to you, which then leads to them not really understanding how they really feel.

[00:19:09]Depending on your attachment style.

[00:19:10]Avoidants tend to understand how they feel, but what's really happening is they're scared to be able to express it cuz they fear of rejection.

[00:19:18]Okay, all right? And often times it's because they're not giving yourself enough time to process it, develop the vocabulary, and then go into the conversation. But, that's another story for another day. Make sure you like, like, share, subscribe, click on that bell button for notification of uploads.

[00:19:31]Again, for those of you who want the book and the and and because well, listen, email me on lbb91talks and uh we'll send you a link at a time for Monday when it's released.

[00:19:42]Appreciate you guys. Lots of love to you. We'll see you again soon.