School Assemblies Are Actually Psychological Warfare

Added: 2026-05-16

[00:00:00]School assemblies are one of those things adults acted like were important, but as a student, it always just felt like school just needed a legal way to trap 600 kids in a gym for an hour.

[00:00:11]These were never fun. And the topic of discussion was something always overly serious, like anti-bullying, your future career, internet safety, and it's kind of like a TED talk, but if the TED talk was something you didn't volunteer to go to, but rather something you were being held hostage during. I always hated hearing from a teacher that we had a school assembly planned for the day because that sentence could either mean you're missing class, which is good, or you're about to sit on wooden bleachers with your knees in your chest for an hour and a half, and then you'd be stuck sitting there while some guy all dressed up tells you that vaping is bad, or that you shouldn't send mean texts to your classmates. And this environment brought out the weirdest version of people you already see every day. So, today we're talking about the types of people at every school assembly. First off, you had the kid who took everything way too seriously. This person is locked in the entire assembly.

[00:01:01]He's got his posture all correct. He's like sitting straight up. His hands are folded. And this guy is nodding in response to everything the speaker is saying. Like the glazing is absolutely off the charts with this guy. Like this guy can't see you acknowledging everything he's saying in a crowd. And it could be something so innocuous, too.

[00:01:18]Like the principal could be speaking about like hallway etiquette and expectations and this kid is looking [ __ ] inspired. Like I never understood it. Let's say you have a speaker and he's saying the most broadstroke thing you could imagine, like respect starts with you. And then he points to everyone in the room, but because he pointed in this kid's general direction, he gets this insane ego boost that will last him the rest of the school year. I swear this dude thinks he just heard ancient wisdom from a monk on a mountaintop or something. It's hilarious. Like, he's the target audience for these events. Oh, and you bet this kid's asking questions after the presentation. And that is the worst part by far. Like the assembly would be almost over and everyone's mentally at lunch already and this kid like raises their hand asking some question like what advice would you give to students who want to become leaders in their community. Dude, please shut up. We are so close to lunch. Who even thinks to ask a question at an assembly with 600 students anyway? Like half of them can't even hear your question. I'm sorry, but if you're asking a question at a school assembly, you're being performative.

[00:02:17]Like all you're doing is trying to signal to your classmates that you're an attentive listener and you're like a deep thinker. Oh, look at this guy. He's asking questions. Could a three-dimensional table be used to display more complex data sets? Like, shut the [ __ ] up. Moving on. And conversely, there is, of course, the students who cannot stop laughing.

[00:02:36]Something about the fact that you're not allowed to laugh during a school assembly makes it so that you want to laugh during a school assembly. Not even at anything funny. Like, you just get hit with assembly brain. Like once you're sitting next to your friend in a quiet gymnasium, everything becomes funny with no for no reason. If someone's shoe squeaks, that's funny. If a teacher coughs, that's funny. You could have a speaker talking about the history of slavery or the Holocaust and you're biting your shirt sleeve trying not to get written up. This happened to me once where my friend whispered a joke about crystal meth during a drug awareness assembly and I had to stare at the floor for 10 minutes because I knew if I looked at him again, I was finished. That's the dangerous part about assemblies is if you're prone to laughing at inappropriate [ __ ] there's like 600 people there to witness your misbehavior and judge you for it. And with 600 people in the room, we're also all there to witness the assembly couple, the people who treat the assemblies like a date. You know, they have to sit right next to each other.

[00:03:29]You'll be sitting in a sweaty gym listening to a retired cop explain internet safety or some [ __ ] And two rows down, there's a couple who met on Snapchat or something, leaning on each other, acting like they're watching fireworks at the beach. Like, come on, guys. Get a room. You know, the girl has her head on his shoulder. He's playing with her hand. Like, they're whispering the entire time. Like, tell me why teachers never notice it, but if you turn around one time to ask your friend for gum, they're telling you to shush and that you're being insensitive or something. You get written up. You'll have a guy and a girl sharing a pair of AirPods uh during the tragic history of American slavery and they'll be eyeball [ __ ] the entire time consequence free. By the way, these couples never last. Like they'll be breaking up in 2 weeks. And that's why it made it so much worse. Like you're doing all that during the distracted driving assembly just to be single in 5 days. You should be more like this next person who's the kid who sleeps during the entire thing. And honestly, I I respect this one. Like sleeping during an assembly is not easy.

[00:04:31]If you're on the bleachers, lights are on, and people are talking. How are you going to be fully asleep? I think that takes talent. It's always amazed me how this person can like bend their neck at a dangerous angle. Like, I always wanted to shake them to make sure if they were even alive during these. I have a hard time falling asleep, as is, but I I can't imagine sleeping during this.

[00:04:50]Like, I'd be way too paranoid. I always thought like a teacher was going to call me out or the principal was going to make everyone clap or something, but some people had no fear. Like they'd sleep through the entire national anthem if nobody stopped them. Then they wake up and ask you what they missed. Like honestly nothing. Like you missed a slideshow about some random dog [ __ ] bro. I mean, wish I was you. I just want to clarify quickly that all the information given in these assemblies is good and useful, especially because middle schoolers and high schoolers now are getting a lot of their guidance from e- celebrities. And while school assemblies can be boring and cringey, I really think they're worth listening to at least a little bit. They're certainly worth listening to more than a lot of these top Twitch streamers and Tik Tockers. I know I literally just called it random dog [ __ ] but the random dog [ __ ] you learn in middle school and high school is still more important than the random dog [ __ ] the top dogs on Twitch or Tik Tok are spitting. Anyway, then you had the kid who got randomly emotional during these talks.

[00:05:49]And I'm not making fun of him because sometimes the assembly would randomly get serious. like you'd go in thinking it was going to be some boring school safety thing and then the speaker starts randomly telling the saddest like car crash story imaginable. And while I do think this is somewhat necessary, there's always this one kid like wiping their eyes trying to hide it. And like I mean I I guess I get it. Like some of these came out of nowhere. Like you'd be laughing one second and then 10 minutes later you're contemplating your entire life. The only funny part about this is like you'd be wiping your tears off while the speaker gives some very sad story about their life. And in the middle of like the emotional silence, some kid's phone would randomly go off with like this goofy [ __ ] ringtone or some kid would like randomly drop their 500 lb Stanley Cup on the floor. I mean, that's school right there. Nobody can be serious or or let like a moment breathe for more than 8 seconds. Then you had the kid who was actually kind of excited and showed up for the assembly because it wasn't class. I mean, it makes sense.

[00:06:43]You're not getting graded on this and no one's really checking to see if you're paying attention. So, I think we can kind of all relate to this at some point. you really don't care what the assembly is about and you don't really care who's speaking or if it was boring or good.

[00:06:56]As long as it gets you out of algebra, it's pretty much a win. And I understand that completely. If the choice is sitting through equations or sitting in a gym pretending to care about like school spirit, I'm choosing the assembly. At least in the assembly, there's like a chance something weird happens and then you get some sort of entertainment value out of it. It's also annoying how they would end the assembly like they would dismiss you by row. I swear they treat it like you're boarding an airplane. Like somehow it takes longer to leave the gym than it did to enter.

[00:07:23]And if you're not going straight from the assembly to lunch, if you're going back to class, at least there's only like 8 minutes left, but the teacher still tries to start work and salvage it. Like that's the most evil part of the whole thing. You just survived an assembly. You know, your back hurts and the teacher says, "Take out a sheet of paper." No, absolutely not. So, honestly, school assemblies were annoying, but it was one of the only times the entire school got forced into the same ecosystem. And if you hate them now, you're definitely going to grow up and look back at them and miss those moments. So yeah, that's pretty much it for this video. If you enjoyed, please be sure to leave a like and subscribe. I post all my videos over on Spotify. As always, I love you guys and I'll see you guys next time. I'm out.