580 - Actually, You Should Be Testing Your Partner

Añadido: 2026-05-28

[00:00:03]Rather than testing your partner, you can initiate this cycle, right? So, as in like act in pro-relationship ways, cuz that's going to help you create conditions where your partner's response becomes visible naturally. Again, through these natural like diagnostic situations. So, you don't need to engineer a test, you just kind of need to participate. I think really that boils down to if you actually want to be in this relationship, turn towards them, be vulnerable, share yourself first, extend yourself first, which I think is the opposite of everything that social media tells you to do. I think social media is like so focused on keep yourself protected, lock it down, don't extend your energy to them. Generally, I think it's like yeah, [music] just like extend yourself, start that cycle acting in pro-relationship ways, and then see what they do. And that's going to be the most valuable source of information that you're going to get.

[00:00:55]>> [music] >> Welcome to the Multiamory podcast. I'm Jace. I'm Emily. And I'm Dedeker. We believe in looking to the future of relationships, not maintaining the status quo of the past. Whether you're monogamous, polyamorous, [music] swinging, casually dating, or if you just do relationships differently, we see you, and we're here for you.

[00:01:17]>> [music] [music] [singing] [music] >> On this episode of the Multiamory podcast, we're talking about relationship testing. Those moments when you find yourself engineering a situation, dropping a hint, or waiting to see who texts first, all because you want to know if your partner is really as committed to you as you hope they are. Uncertainty in relationships is deeply uncomfortable, and when we don't feel safe enough to just ask directly, we get creative. Sometimes in ways that are sneaky, manipulative, or just quietly exhausting for everyone involved. Today, we're going to break down why the urge to test a partner is actually a completely normal response to uncertainty, what the research says about the different kinds of tests people use, and what they really reveal, and what you can do instead when you feel that impulse. If you're interested in learning about our fundamental communication tools that we reference on this show, you can check out our book Multiamory: Essential Tools for Modern Relationships, which covers our most used communication tools for all types of relationships, and you can find links to buy that at multiamory.com/book, or wherever you like to buy your books.

[00:02:37]Okay, so I wanted to do an episode on this because I think in a different podcast I was listening to, this concept of diagnostic tests or strain tests came up, specifically when thinking about a relationship. And I realized that I think this is something that comes up often, not just in relationships, but I see it play out in non-monogamous relationships often, too, because I do think that non-monogamous relationships can present us with more opportunities, I mean, first of all, for uncertainty, right? You know, whether it's the uncertainty of we're opening up a relationship and I don't know what's going to happen, or I just started dating this new person and I don't know what's going to happen, or my partner just started dating this new person and I don't know what's going to happen. And thinking about what we do in the face of uncertainty, and also thinking about how non-monogamy sometimes presents us with more opportunities to be unsure, right?

[00:03:29]Of oh, if my partner has competing priorities, will they still think about me? Will they still treasure me? Will they still think about my best interests? So, that was what first got me into this. The research is incredibly fascinating, and I'm so excited to share it with you, but I want to open it up with our usual riff. Have you ever been in a situation like this, non-monogamous or not, where you have felt the urge, or where you've acted on the urge to test a partner in some way.

[00:03:56]I just Can I start by just saying when I saw this title in our episode plan coming up that Dedeker was planning this episode and that the placeholder title was actually you should test your partner. My first thought was, oh no, it's finally happened. Dedeker's bought into all the the rhetoric about like, oh you got to test your man, you got to do this thing and like and I'm like, no.

[00:04:18]Were you like looking around the house for booby traps? Yeah, basically. I was like, what's she testing me with now? What kind of nonsense am I going to have to deal with? Cuz yeah, I feel like the at least among, you know, heterosexual relationships, I feel like this very much comes up as like a thing that women should do to test their men.

[00:04:36]I feel like this almost always is framed that direction, very rarely the other way around, at least from what I've seen online. Does that match with what the two of you encounter?

[00:04:46]On Instagram, Tik Tok.

[00:04:48]>> my god, yes. It's not always framed as, oh you are testing your partner or testing this potential person because I in most We'll talk about Sometimes it is, but we'll talk about this a little bit later that in the discourse, I think there is a cultural understanding that this is maybe not the healthiest behavior. So, it's not always framed as, ooh this is a test to submit him to, You try to find some other way to to make it sound nicer than it is.

[00:05:14]>> Well, I think I mean, all the whole discourse around, right? Don't chase him, you know, let him text first. Don't Like don't ask for what you want. Like Like to me, I interpret that as like, well this is kind of like testing.

[00:05:25]Strain testing somebody early on. Sure.

[00:05:27]Yeah.

[00:05:28]Yeah, and that's sometimes what I fall into, what I find myself being like, I need to be a cool girl. I need to not text first. I need to if I feel this urge of like, oh goodness, is my partner sick of me or am I like texting too often? Do I just need to like give him space or whatever? Any of those times those sort of ruminations go on in my head, I do feel this urge to just sort of stop and let him text first to make sure that like I'm not being overly excitable in the way that I'm acting towards him so that he doesn't get upset or overwhelmed or any of those things.

[00:06:14]So, I do think from that standpoint Interesting way to phrase it. Or you kind of turned it around to be like I'm testing him to make sure I'm not being too much relative to him. Like that's interesting. Interesting. It's almost like I'm testing whether or not that's a person that he'd be more interested in maybe. And it's not like I don't think that he's interested in me. It's just simply these scary points whenever I feel uncomfortable about something that's happening in the relationship or I feel maybe just like, oh, he's been kind of quiet today. Is that because in the past I've been a little bit too eager to text a lot throughout the day and so I So it's like if I'm testing if I put in this input, how does he respond? Or rather just if I text less or let him text first, is that going to make me more desirable somehow?

[00:07:10]Yeah, that's a fascinating way to flip it back around like that. As far as if I've done this, I like I think I've I've definitely tested you Jenica sometimes to just see who's who's going to break first on doing the dishes or like little things like that.

[00:07:24]I think that's different.

[00:07:25]>> but that's different. Yeah.

[00:07:27]I don't I don't know that I've consciously done this really. I guess there have been times where I've had a similar thing of like kind of like you were saying Emily of wondering if I don't reach out and I don't try to plan something, will this person Yeah. notice that gap and try to plan something? Yeah. I think it's been a while since I've been in that situation. However, I do find that's one that I tend to be hyper-vigilant of someone doing that to me. Mhm. Oh, interesting. I do wonder if it's like a less securely attached or or even just moments of less secure attachment where we find this urge to be like, "Okay, I'm going to text less because I don't want to feel like I'm being needy" or something along those lines or that if we feel like our partner's being needy, we might pull back in some way and that also might be a test. Yeah, for me it's more like if I notice they're texting less or not planning as much, I'm like, "Oh god, I'm being tested. Ah, shoot. I got to Okay, so you're trying to play 4D chess.

[00:08:29]You're you're sweeping the landscape for the tests. Right. Right. Yeah.

[00:08:33]>> Okay.

[00:08:34]I was going to say if you ever spend more time on social media, but I do not want you to do that.

[00:08:38]>> Don't wish that on anyone. Yeah. Any of our man listeners who do spend time on social media, I'm curious to hear like is there man-focused content that is about like checking for tests? You know >> No, there is. There is. There's a lot of it. No, I mean I know I know if we go down if we go down the like dark dark rabbit hole that is like the red pill internet, I know this is a whole thing about the ways that women will try to test you, but I'm curious more about for normal people. I've found that it it at least from going back to podcasts and stuff I was listening to maybe 15 years ago even in the the ancient days, like it was still a concept that came up even on non like pickup artisty Okay.

[00:09:15]>> places. That's still that sense of like I guess that maybe the more positive framing is like be the kind of man who passes these tests or doesn't like >> Oh, okay.

[00:09:24]>> get tripped up by them or doesn't get freaked out by them. You know, if if you're trying to spin it a little more positively, whereas the pickup artist version of it is like, you know, here's how to get around her tests. Like they're always called tests. That's the term they use in that world. She used. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:09:40]>> Okay, well, I'm going to steer us away from that dark timeline.

[00:09:44]>> Yeah. That Okay, the simplest way of putting this is that these type of tests, they are social strategies that people use to acquire knowledge about the state of their relationships. So, like Emily is saying, like in these moments of uncertainty, in these moments of insecurity, I think it's very normal for us to have questions that arise about the state of the relationship. Um especially if it's very early on when you don't know this person, right? And so, I think it's like these are the strategies that we employ when we have these floating questions around things like, are we together?

[00:10:16]Yeah, like that fundamental like okay.

[00:10:18]>> that early or is there potential here?

[00:10:21]Like could you be a good partner for me or are you interested in me in the way that I'm interested in you? Or maybe if you've established the relationship more, the question of are we safe? Do you still love me? Do you still think about me? Are you going to be there for me even when things are difficult? So, I I want to broaden this out and humanize this that there's not just tests.

[00:10:42]This is not just stuff only insecure people do. This is not just necessarily early relationship stuff. Like this is a common strategy that we can employ when there's some kind of uncertainty in our relationships. Even in long-running established relationships still present us with many opportunities for facing uncertainty in my opinion. And speaking of that, there is a landmark 1975 study by Berger and Calabrese where they developed what they call the uncertainty reduction theory, which is, like it says on the tin, basically reduces uncertainty. Well, well, it No, it's it's this theory that when we have high levels of uncertainty in relationships in particular, it causes increases in information-seeking behavior. And that as uncertainty levels decline, information-seeking behavior decreases.

[00:11:34]So, as in, if I have more of a sense of, yes, we're in a relationship together, and yes, you love me, and you've proven that you're going to be there for me, that maybe I feel less of this urge to be like, are you going to be there? Are you going to be there? Are you going to be there? Right? And that high levels of uncertainty in a relationship causes decreases in the intimacy level of communication content, which is really interesting, and that the opposite is also true, that low levels of uncertainty produces higher levels of intimacy. So, as in, if you feel uncertain about the state of the relationship, and I think about, especially maybe in early dating or early relationship, you don't know how much of yourself to share. And I think this is why people spin out, where you're like, am I oversharing? Am I undersharing? Should I talk to them about my mental health issues? Should I not? I don't know. Is this appropriate?

[00:12:18]Should I ask? Is it okay for me to ask for this thing from them? Should I not?

[00:12:21]Right? It's because things are still uncertain, and so, instead of throwing ourselves full bore into, I can feel super intimate and close to this person.

[00:12:29]Like, we have a lot of questions around that. Does it feel like that tracks with your lived experience? I mean, yeah, I think that's fair. That there is that a little bit of that sense of, what? I guess there's this sort of this push-pull between you want to show up and be vulnerable and be your authentic self, but at the same time, it's that, yeah, can I trust this person yet? Have they earned this from me yet? And there's a little bit of a push-pull there, right? Where you have to give some, but also you need to show that there's trust and safety there. I think some people also just are naturally feel like someone you can share that stuff with. Yes.

[00:13:04]>> I've definitely noticed that, that there's some people where you feel like, oh, this is just easy, and maybe even scary to be like, I I just shared so much. Oh my gosh, I maybe I shouldn't have. Yeah. Uh versus other people where there's less of that tendency to do it right away, and I'm more like, like, I've had some relationships I look back on that I think very positively about, but I'm like, I don't think we ever really shared anything real with each other. Oh, wow. Interesting. I tend to overshare across the board.

[00:13:30]>> Yes, we know. For sure.

[00:13:32]>> I was going to say, obviously this is all painting with a broad brush. Like of course there's individual differences.

[00:13:36]Of course you can bring a particular attachment style. You could bring particular trauma, right? Where even if someone has shown up and there's not a lot of uncertainty in the relationship, you still may not feel turned towards intimacy. Like like of course this is all just very broad. Right. Right. Okay, so now this is fun. So I'm actually going to reference research done by Russ Boldt, who is the same Russ Boldt that they reference on our new favorite podcast, Love Factually. So Russ Boldt found that once somebody is committed to a partnership, naturally over time they experience what she called a transformation of motivation, which means their motivation starts to shift away from just purely self-interest towards relationship interests, particularly in moments of conflict. And I think that especially in early relationships, we're very sensitive to when that shift is happening, right? To like when is it you know, you as my potential partner are making decisions that are only in your best interest versus when do I know that when you make decisions you're also thinking about me, too? Or thinking about the impact that might have on me, too, right? So it's like when do we go from just being two floating atoms floating on their own to like now we're forming a molecule and we influence each other, Yeah. and hopefully influence each other in positive ways that are helping each other feel safe. And of course we want that in established relationships, too, but again, I think that non-monogamy creates these special circumstances where we are both in a molecule together and we're also individual atoms. That like depending on what your non-monogamy setup is, and if we're just looking at one dyad in particular, in a partnership, we're both hoping that hey, you're making decisions where you're taking me into consideration, like how your actions are going to influence me, but you're also going out and having your own separate dating life that's separate from me. You have partnerships that are separate from me, and so it's like you're also having opportunities to make decisions that are in your self-interest. And what I think makes non-monogamy both really scary and really wonderful, in my opinion, is that push-pull. Is that we both act as individuals making decisions for our own self-interest while also having to think about the greater whole, and having to think about the way our decisions impact other people around us. Hence why I think that non-monogamy produces a lot of these like special occasions for uncertainty, wanting to test, wanting to make sure, "Hey, when you're making decisions, are you thinking of me, too, and not just yourself?" Yeah. And I think that's the Yeah, that's such an interesting way to put it. Like the thing that we could look at and say is codependency, or we could say is romantic, is if you're thinking about a monogamous dyad, there is that sense of, you know, you change your language to always say we, and you always make decisions together, and and you sometimes can maybe speak for each other, right? We can kind of end up too entwined that way, or maybe too codependent. And then, yeah, with non-monogamy, there is this interesting thing of you need to let go of that a little bit, but there is still that question of are they still going to have my best interests Mhm. at heart. Yes.

[00:16:40]>> And what does that look like? I think maybe that's part of it, too, is like how would I even know? Because the equations are different, right? It's going to look different now than it would have looked before. Well, and maybe this sounds limiting, especially from a non-monogamous perspective, but it's like if you have everyone in your circles best interests at heart, like do you have enough capacity to be able to And And does it make sense? Because if those are conflicting in ways, can you really have everyone's best interest at all times, or will there be moments where you sort of do have to pick and choose and say, "Okay, right now like this thing is coming up where I was told by my partner like they really want me to go to this event with them and therefore, you know, I've been dating them for longer or whatever it might be.

[00:17:32]I'm going to choose to go with them over this other thing that might be in town or whatever with partner B." Mhm.

[00:17:38]>> And that that might be conflicting even though, you don't want to hurt anyone, but it may just happen that once in a while these sort of decisions need to be made. And I think that of course that's what happens in non-monogamy and why it can be so challenging and not everyone at all times is going to get what they want. Yeah.

[00:17:59]Well, so what I'm going to do is so there is a 1984 study by Baxter and Wilmot called secret tests, social strategies for acquiring information about the state of the relationship.

[00:18:09]This was published in Human Communication Research. So, they identify what is it? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 categories of secret tests Oh, boy.

[00:18:17]>> that people tend to employ. Now, when I go through these, like their research was primarily focused on that early relationship trying to find out like how does this person feel about me? Like what's the status of the relationship?

[00:18:29]But I do think some of these not only apply to more established relationship behaviors, but also apply to non-monogamy. So, I want to think about I want us to think about that as we're going through this. So, So, category number one they called asking third-party tests, which is interrogating friends, family, mutual contacts to just kind of feel out, how does this person feel about me or how do they feel about the relationship? Oh, I see. Asking third-party people not like, is this person cool, but how do they feel about me?

[00:18:59]>> Yeah. Interesting. Okay. Okay. Mhm.

[00:19:03]Somewhat related to the third-party, but a different category are they call them triangle tests, which is using a third person either by describing a potential rival or creating a situation where your partner could be unfaithful to gauge jealousy or fidelity.

[00:19:20]>> Whoa. Now, I think I think these are definitely like I think that there's a a spectrum of toxicity on this one in particular where it could be really really toxic to really maybe be less toxic of just like I don't know if I mention the fact, especially in early dating, that like I'm talking to other people or oh this person flirted with me, right? And just being like how do they respond? I see. I see. Okay.

[00:19:43]>> kind of funny cuz going full circle, I think I engage with this sometimes in non-monogamy not to test do you get jealous, but to test are you cool?

[00:19:51]Are you cool with that?

[00:19:51]>> with non-monogamy? Like yeah, actually.

[00:19:53]Are you Can you handle if I talk about my other partner, right? Or talk about being on the apps or whatever? Which is like it's still a test to acquire information, right? Yeah. That that's an interesting one and that was one that I probably talked about on this show before, but earlier on in my non-monogamy days, when I started dating someone new, if they were new to non-monogamy, and I think a lot of people can relate to this, there's this tendency to treat them with kid gloves, to kind of shelter them from the realities of it a little bit with the assumption that they can't handle that or it would freak them out and so you don't want them to not like you and so you kind of not hide it, but you kind of soften it to them. And that was something that I realized then, the times I would do that, it would end up later being an issue where to them it felt like jarring once that can't be maintained anymore, once it's sort of you're enough of a part of my life that these other partners are more relevant to you or this whole thing is more relevant to you and realizing that actually the opposite approach is what I wish that I had done, which was more right from the start, I'm going to make sure that you understand the whole situation here and kind of make that a normal part of our relationship because that is a part of my life. And if you can't handle that, let's figure that out sooner. Or if you can, let's all get used to that sooner instead of that having to now be a later phase of adding that in. Does that make sense?

[00:21:15]>> Mhm.

[00:21:16]>> Yeah. Yes. Yeah. So, like I should have been doing those tests, I guess, is what I'm saying.

[00:21:19]>> Yeah.

[00:21:20]So, next is separation tests. So, these are creating distance. So, creating either a physical separation or waiting to see who reaches out first or requesting an inconvenient effort to see if the partner's feelings hold up. Ooh.

[00:21:35]>> I I I Well, well, I think again a lot about the stuff that floats around on social media. Like this idea of I don't know. Like don't always be going over to his place. Like make sure he makes the effort to like come over to yours or make sure he makes the effort to plan stuff or you know, it's it's this sort of like don't just make yourself super convenient all the time. Like make sure that you are either it's like organically you're not trying to make yourself super convenient or artificially you're trying to create some inconvenient effort on this person's part. That could fall under the category of like playing hard to get, right? Or maybe being more withholding or withholding of your energy, right? To see do they step up to the plate?

[00:22:14]You have that one really has a spectrum, too. Of, you know, on on one way you could say it's more like having a boundary and not just bending to what you think they want you to be. And on the other hand, it could be manipulative and I'm just going to see if how hard they're going to work for it to kind of see what I can get from them. And do you think that's based on the way in which you're internally framing it versus if you inside are like, "Hey, I have a boundary about I understand that I get caught up in relationships if I choose to make myself overly available. So, therefore, I'm going to only allow myself to be available two nights a week to someone." But to them, that might be seen as like, "Wow, like they they're not making themselves that available to me. Does that mean that they really don't like me as much?" I don't know, like that's why I think you on that one specifically you need to be really specific with them about what your intentions are there.

[00:23:11]Yeah. Well, I think so much of this comes down to I really chew on this inconvenient effort one a lot, right? Is Is I think you really have to split hairs with yourself. So, like for instance, let's say, you know, you're planning the next date with somebody and you know, based on the night that you've scheduled, like, "Oh, it's I know it's going to be a pain in the ass for me to get off work and then go home and then do this and then drive to where they are." Like, "Yeah, I know this is inconvenient, but I feel like I want to ask them, 'Hey, do you mind like coming to my corner of town or whatever?'" Mhm.

[00:23:43]And maybe you feel a little scared of like, "Yeah, that's me being inconvenient, but I'm also kind of asking for what I want." Versus a situation where you're like, "Well, I've been driving to them the last three times and even though it actually makes sense for me to drive to them this time, I'm going to artificially decide, 'No, I'm going to ask them to come to me' purely just cuz like I feel like I'm extending myself too much." Mhm. Does it feel like that makes sense? I feel like it's like it's like you really have to split hairs between like what's me being authentic and like being honest about what I need and what my actual boundaries are versus what's like I'm kind of trying to protect myself {slash} get information from them about who they are by sort of putting them through this obstacle. But I'm not sure. I I I think we're going to go back and forth on that a lot over the course of this episode.

[00:24:23]Absolutely. Yeah. Uh the next one they call endurance tests. So, that's making the relationship costly through bad behavior, self-deprecation, or again, inconvenience to see whether the partner stays anyway. And I think this self-deprecation one I think that's the one that is more common and maybe less toxic. Like the ways that we can throw ourselves under the bus of like maybe I maybe I shouldn't like maybe I shouldn't be sharing this with you or maybe it was a mistake for me to open up to you in this way or maybe I'm just like not going to be able to show up for you in the way that you need or whatever to see do they rush in. It's kind of like fishing behavior, I suppose.

[00:24:59]>> like fishing. Yeah, for sure.

[00:25:01]That's interesting, cuz it's a little different than the others. Yeah, it's interesting to me to frame the self-deprecation as a thing that makes the relationship more costly to the other person. Mhm. And it definitely can feel that way. Like I there can be that experience where if the person the other person you're dating is just always like that, like always needing to be propped up in that way, that can end up feeling like, yeah, this is a lot of work. This is this is making me work extra for this. And again, I feel like the the balance of how much of that is okay, yeah, that's just you're trying to see how much they care about the relationship and you're seeking support from them honestly, and how much is it now you've developed a pattern of falling into this and you're making a lot of extra work for your partner that you might not even mean to be. You might not even realize that you're doing.

[00:25:48]Yeah, well, again, I I think it all comes back to this we don't get reassurance just from someone being nice to us or someone being caring for us. We also get reassurance when we know that someone is showing up for us even when there is a cost to them of some type.

[00:26:04]Like that is a special type of relationship security, I think, that we do seek. And I think sometimes if we progress in relationship, those things would show up organically, but also sometimes if we're feeling uncertain and insecure, there is this urge to be like, I need to artificially create a cost for you so that I know that you're willing to pay that cost. Mhm. Sometimes those costs just come up, though. Okay, yes, so we're going to get to that. Okay, okay, okay. Yeah, we're going to get to that in the second act, cuz yeah, so I'm kind of building like I think our our confusion around this, it's going to become a little bit more clear.

[00:26:37]Okay, so these last three categories of tests, so public presentation tests. I thought this was really funny. They describe it as publicly labeling the relationship at a higher commitment level than established and watching whether your partner is comfortable or flinches. Oh my god. Yes, so this was early on in my current relationship right before I was about to leave for Hong Kong the first time and we were in Central Park and I saw a friend of mine like running in Central Park and he's my partner is a big runner as well. So she was in Central Park. I stopped her. I introduced Alex and I was like this is my partner Alex and he was like because it had only been the four months or whatever. It Yeah, three or four months. It wasn't that >> And you hadn't had any kind of official conversation yet about what labels you use with each other? No and to me I thought that by not saying girlfriend it was softening it but I know Jason would said Yeah, sometimes partner feels bigger than just boyfriend. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:27:35]Exactly. So anyways I I said that and he he said that at the time it made him a little uncomfortable but he was like well, she's on monogamous so maybe that's just what they say.

[00:27:47]And he's not wrong.

[00:27:48]>> he's not wrong, yeah. Yeah, he's not wrong. So anyways whoops but Yeah.

[00:27:53]That's really funny that you did that.

[00:27:55]Okay, I love That's it. Of course I did that. Of course I did that. Okay, this one I think I was going to say I think we've all been guilty of this one and maybe I'm just speaking for myself but they call these indirect suggestion tests and that's using jokes, hints or escalating physical touch to float your relationship intentions without the vulnerability of saying them directly.

[00:28:16]I'm kind of like isn't this just flirting? Yeah, I was like isn't that just how flirting anyway dating goes?

[00:28:20]Yeah.

[00:28:21]Just like flirting with somebody feeling it out, dropping in little hints here and there, you know, do little hand touchy touchy, you know. Yeah, like wouldn't it be so funny if we made out?

[00:28:32]Oh my gosh. I mean yeah, like I do a little hand touchy touchy and then generally make my intentions known pretty quickly. But but yeah. Yeah.

[00:28:42]I wonder like do you think that one shows up later in relationships cuz I think we all went to that place of you're flirting, you're kind of feeling someone out at first, but how do you think that might show up in a more established relationship? Oh, well, I think anything uh maybe some on again, off again. I mean, I think anything that's like a milestone or an escalator milestone, right? If you're a little scared and you feel like vulnerable to be like, "Hey, I'm interested in the in like living together someday, right?"

[00:29:07]That like it's probably quite common that you would like maybe just kind of float some of that stuff, you know? Like I guess the idea of like you're you're not saying it explicitly though, so you're maybe talking of like, "Oh my gosh, it's almost like we live together." Or like making little references to hope the other person goes, "Yeah, actually, why don't we?"

[00:29:27]Right, yeah. Or just to see, right? Or if they're just like, "Oh, I never want to live with someone ever again." And you're like, "Okay, there's there's some information." Sure, that's yeah.

[00:29:34]>> Without having to extend myself too much. Yeah. Right, maybe it's not a pass-fail test and it's more of yeah, just information gathering. Okay. And then this last one is a secret category to be revealed later in the episode. And with that, we're going to take a quick break to talk about our sponsors for this show. Thank you to all of them for letting us make this content for all of you out there in the world for free every week. And of course, if you would love to join our community, support our show directly, and get ad-free episodes, you can do that at multiamory.com/join.

[00:30:04]We would love to have you be part of the community, and we will see you there.

[00:30:10]Okay, so I think that this is going to help clarify the way we've been going back and forth and like, "Okay, this seems like this could happen organically." Or "Ooh, I don't know, this seems like this could be toxic." Or "But then I could see also a non-toxic version of this, right?" I think this is going to help to clarify. So, you know, Baxter Lim created these categories of secret tests. However, I would like to propose a bigger umbrella grouping of three approaches of secret tests.

[00:30:39]Okay, so hold on. We've got nested lists now. So, we have seven categories of tests.

[00:30:44]>> Yeah, there's seven categories of tests.

[00:30:47]>> [snorts] >> And then within the seventh category, you're proposing three categories of secret tests.

[00:30:51]>> worry about the categories so much."

[00:30:53]Okay. Don't worry about the numbers.

[00:30:56]Don't worry about it. I'm going to carry you through. But >> Okay. Because I because I was carrying in this question of, "Okay, when I read about this, I can see how actually some of this could be like feels very human, right?" But like the idea of {quote} testing somebody gets such a bad rap Yeah. for being deceptive or manipulative or you're subjecting your partner to a test they don't know that they're taking or maybe passive-aggressive, right? And I and I don't think that's wrong. And so, for me, I'm kind of like, "How can I square both of these truths?" That I can see this actually being very normal in a relationship and also could be very manipulative and deceptive. And so, I broke it down into I think there's sort of like three different approaches or three different standpoints we can come from when subjecting a partner to these sort of tests to get information about the relationship. And the first one are these covert and indirect tests. So, like the more toxic stuff we're talking about, like engineering a situation without your partner's knowledge to observe the response or putting in something specifically artificial in order to observe a partner's response.

[00:31:58]So, the research I'm going to cite is from Chory Assad and Booth Butterfield.

[00:32:02]This was a 2001 study called Secret Test Use and Self-Esteem in Deteriorating Relationships. This was published in >> Wow. Communication Research Reports. And they found some really fascinating stuff. So, they found that So, I'm going to throw out some terminology and I'm going to explain it right afterwards.

[00:32:19]So, they found that lower self-esteem was negatively correlated with rule deviation test use as in people with lower self-esteem were more likely to do rule deviation testing of a partner. And what rule deviation testing is, it's tests where you deliberately break relationship norms or you behave in ways that your partner wouldn't expect or approve of specifically to observe their reaction. So, >> self-sabotage?

[00:32:44]Yeah, I think like self-sabotage, showing your partner your worst behavior to see if they stay, trying to make them jealous by mentioning or pursuing other people, or engineering a situation where maybe they could cheat on you or something like that, or they could betray you in some particular way, right? So, it's like going outside the rules that we've established for the relationship to see what do they do in that situation. And they found that people who don't have high self-esteem are more likely to engage in those sort of behaviors. That makes sense.

[00:33:10]>> What's Yeah, what's also interesting is they found that actually the desire to break up was the strongest predictor of what type of testing people engaged in, stronger than what stage of the the relationship was in, and stronger than what level of self-esteem somebody had.

[00:33:25]So, as if >> much they actually just want to break up? Yes, yeah. Like people who wanted the relationship to end were more likely to do those rule deviation tests. Sure.

[00:33:35]And so, they say that like the authors think that this means that like covert testing, right? Engineering these situations to put your partner in to see what they do, maybe it's not actually about information gathering, but actually it's more about provoking someone to end a relationship. Right. I think that's what I was going to say.

[00:33:54]This sounds to me like you're not testing, you're just trying to either get them to screw up so you have a reason to break up, or getting them to break up with you so you don't have to do it. Yes, which is that was really interesting. And and I think that this is like it's like this approach is what accounts for I think the more toxic, manipulative behaviors that we think about is that it may be coming from you're not in a place of like really wondering are they in or are they out?

[00:34:16]Like you might be wondering am I in or am I out? Yeah. And I need to seek this very specific information to help nudge me one way or the other, right?

[00:34:25]Especially if I feel like I don't think I can communicate my needs to my partner, or I'm too apprehensive to communicate that like I don't want to be in the relationship anymore. So again, I need to manufacture some sort of situation where I can yeah, find something to seize on so that then it tells me okay, it's okay for me to leave the relationship. I think is interesting. I want to circle back to this when we get to the takeaways because I'm kind of like if I think this is a interesting cue that if you find yourself having this urge to subject a partner to these sort of tests that like maybe that's a good cue to ask yourself, do I just want permission to leave this relationship? Yeah.

[00:35:00]Yeah. And if you need it, that's when you come to polyamory and you hear us say you should break up and Yeah. Yeah. Let's just do it.

[00:35:09]Yeah. If you want to, you should just do it. Yeah. Definitely, if you're at that point, I think that's a good indicator that the answer is probably yes. You can break up with them.

[00:35:19]So that's that. Those are like the covert indirect tests. Next I want to talk about what you sort of stumbled on, Emily, which is these natural diagnostic situations that will present themselves to you in your relationship, especially if your relationship lasts long enough.

[00:35:35]So as in in any relationship, there are moments where naturally your commitment, quote unquote, to the relationship will be tested or your partner's commitment or devotion to the relationship will be tested. And so as in rather than you feeling the need to be the proctor administering the test, you need to be like the grader who's observing and evaluating the test, right? And so again, like I do think as we get closer to somebody and as we build partnership with somebody, there is going to come a point where one or both of you are going to have to engage in some kind of behavior that maybe costs you something in order to benefit the relationship or benefit the other person. Sure. Doesn't have to cost you a ton, but like you are going to hit that point at some point.

[00:36:19]But what I actually was thinking about was the two of you, Dedeker, when you decided to travel the world and not like have a home base anymore? Yeah. And the fact that >> I was not testing you, Jace, specifically with that one, but I did test you. It did test me, yeah.

[00:36:34]>> did test. Not that you were trying to test Jace, but that that decision tested the relationship in a way that Jace could have decided, "Actually, this isn't I'm not really like in this enough to decide that I want to stay with this person through the challenges that are going to present themselves by not being proximal to them at all times." And instead, he made it work and you guys came and saw each other, you know, in whatever part of the world each of you were in. Mhm. And that takes a lot of effort. And I passed that test with flying colors, right? Well done, Jace.

[00:37:10]Well done. Boy, you went pretty extreme with your testing, now that I'm thinking about it in this framework.

[00:37:16]>> It wasn't Again, it wasn't like an intentional covert like, "I'm going to put him through this and see what he does." kind of situation. But even like me, for instance, going to Hong Kong 3 months out of the year is challenging.

[00:37:30]My partner that I was with for a long time, he almost broke up with me multiple times because I kept saying yes to that contract. Yeah.

[00:37:37]>> And that is, I think, for some people a deal breaker, as sad as that would be.

[00:37:42]But yes, that's their prerogative. But again, that was a good like natural diagnostic situation for your new relationship, right? You're like, "If I show up as myself saying yes to the things that I want to do, how does my partner respond, right? When I'm doing this thing that's Exactly that. Like I love, but it's going to cause an inconvenience for him in being able to talk to me, access me, and how does he How does he handle that?" We'll talk about some examples that are not as extreme as going halfway across the world that it seems like the three of us love doing.

[00:38:13]But I mean, even day-to-day things like navigating scheduling conflicts with each other. A partner choosing to prioritize taking care of you when you're sick. Choosing to take bids for connection with your partner, right? If they're like, "Oh my god, I want to show you this silly YouTube video." And I'm like, "Well, I'm trying to finish the laundry, but I'm going to choose to put a pause on that so that I can give you my attention, right?" You know, the recurring theme of relationships, of your partner still showing up even when it's hard, when you're in conflict, when it's boring, when it's inconvenient, or speaking of conflict, a partner choosing to come back and repair after conflict, right? It's like these are all natural testing quote-unquote situations where it is important for us to go through those tests in relationship and to pay attention to what happens on the other side. Now, we've referenced social media a lot, and I think that there was some dating advice floating around a while ago. I think specifically in the non-monogamy space, that's why it floated to the top of my brain, which was around It was like this piece of advice that was like, "Hey, when you're in early dating with somebody, put up a small boundary or say no to somebody, and just see what they do."

[00:39:21]Specifically, go out of your way to like be a little inconvenient. And the more I think about that, I'm kind of like, I think that's going to occur organically.

[00:39:29]Like, I really don't think that you don't need to manufacture it. You don't need to manufacture like artificially saying no to somebody or artificially creating this little inconvenience or an artificial boundary that you wouldn't normally have just to see what they do.

[00:39:43]I don't think you need to force it. Now, if you're someone where what you know about yourself is I completely self-abandon in early dating and will squeeze myself into whatever shape I need to be in order to get this person to like me, and I know that I will just like say yes to whatever, and I will never be inconvenient, right? And I know that about myself, and that gets me into trouble, then yeah, maybe that's something you need to grow into or experiment with. But again, I hope it comes from getting more >> place.

[00:40:07]>> Yeah, getting more authentically in touch with what you actually want as opposed to I need to artificially put in this tiny boundary or artificially say no to something even though I want to say yes to something just to test this person. Totally. There's a big difference between the two. Mhm.

[00:40:19]>> I think also, especially early on in a relationship, but really throughout, there's also this constant learning each other that's going on, and you're giving them the wrong lessons by doing that, too. Yes.

[00:40:31]>> Because they might then internalize, "Okay, they don't like that thing." Even if maybe it is something you like.

[00:40:36]That's right.

[00:40:37]>> missing out on them ever wanting to do that. Whatever it is, whether it's a certain type of date or something sexual, or like whatever that test was, you're now giving false information.

[00:40:45]It's like faking an orgasm. Where now you've given them wrong information that they're going to base future actions off of. That's not helpful for anybody.

[00:40:53]>> what they should do. Yeah.

[00:40:54]>> Yeah. And while we're talking about non-monogamy, like you talked about earlier, Emily, that sometimes we end up in these tricky situations where your partner can't always prioritize you in the schedule, or can't necessarily drop everything to take care of you when you're sick, because, "Oh, no, I'm already on vacation halfway across the country with my other partner that we booked months ago, right?"

[00:41:14]>> Yeah. And and so, I think this is why this just gets a little bit more nuanced, where for instance, those situations of like, "Oh, no, there's a scheduling conflict, and my partner has decided like, yeah, actually I need to prioritize this partner." But if I know, if I have that sense of like, "Oh, but I know my partner comes back to me. I know my partner is like actively communicating both with myself and their other partner, and I know there's other times where I know, like if I really needed it, my partner would prioritize me." That that can make those moments feel easier, and not feel like, "Oh, this is them failing a test in some way." But if you have felt routinely ignored, or routinely deprioritized, or routinely, let's say, canceled on, or routinely feel like somebody else's needs, or another relationship is constantly taking priority over your own needs, that then I do think it can really generate this desire to create more artificial situations. And to me, I would say may sometimes, in certain situations something like a veto could fall under that of like I really need to put you in a case where I literally am just like backing you into a corner.

[00:42:21]You really do need to choose. Like I really do need to make like artificially really make this inconvenient for you so that I know that you actually love me and you actually care about me and prioritize this relationship. Or I really do need to like throw a fit to see if you will cancel your plans with somebody else. Right? Like I need to turn up the volume and kind of get loud enough in my protest to see like will you actually cancel your plans if it comes down to it, right? Yeah, the whole kind of um back door veto of kind of just like always being miserable anytime they're going to go on a date with that person to attempt them cancel plans or just make the experience so miserable that they end it. Like it's that kind of manipulation. And I want to okay, so I want to dunk on myself and see what you guys think because >> Wait, okay, hold on. Is this you self-deprecating in the hopes that we'll rush in to be like, "Oh, no, no, no, you're fine."

[00:43:14]No, because I know No, I'm not fishing.

[00:43:16]I'm not fishing. I don't want to be reassured that this was like a good thing for me to do. But as I've been writing this episode, I've been just thinking about this and wondering about like what I was going for when I put this partner through this particular test. And this was freaking years ago.

[00:43:31]This was very early on in my non-monogamy journey and I was with this partner. This partner that Emily and I did date together at a certain point um who was a real piece of work and it was messy non-monogamy and you know, I had a lot of insecurity in that relationship, right? And And everyone was kind of beginners at the time, too. Yeah, he was dishonest with me. He was dishonest with his other partner, right? Like yeah, there was a lot of insecurity and and a lack of experience from everybody. And I remember that there was one day that like cuz we were still even figuring out disclosure and disclosure of plans with other partners and sometimes that was like wishy-washy and kind of fishy and like I I saw like over his shoulder in his calendar that like he had made plans with this other partner. They were going to go to an event that like I had really wanted to go to. It was It was Cinespia, which was in LA. They do these movie screenings in the summertime in the Hollywood Forever Cemetery, and it was a screening of Interview with a Vampire, which is like a movie that I love. And I was just like, "Oh my god, I really wanted to go to that, and he's made plans with this other person to go to it." I see.

[00:44:32]>> We've not talked about it. He has not told me about it. Right? Like I just happened to see Oh, that that was in his calendar, right?

[00:44:38]>> Did he know that you wanted to go beforehand?

[00:44:40]>> No, I had not expressed it. Right? Like I had not expressed >> have known. No, I'm kidding.

[00:44:45]>> Well, so okay. So, here's the deal. This is where the test came in. Is that for some reason, instead of keeping my mouth shut or whatever, I just like kind of played dumb, and I think a couple days later floated like, "Hey, there's this thing happening that I would love to go to. Like do you want to go with me?"

[00:45:01]Like playing dumb, like I didn't know that he already had these plans. And, you know, he responded being like, "Oh, this is awkward. I actually got plans to go with this other person." You know, yada yada yada. And that was kind of the end of it. And, when I was writing this episode about testing, I was thinking back on the interaction where I was like, "I felt like I was subjecting him to a test, and I don't know what I was trying to get out of him necessarily."

[00:45:22]That's a good question.

[00:45:24]>> I mean, he was honest with you, right?

[00:45:26]That he was going with someone else.

[00:45:28]>> I think that was part of the test to see if he would admit >> part of the test.

[00:45:31]>> Yeah.

[00:45:32]Miraculously, he passed it. Right. Yeah, so maybe it was that. Maybe it was like, "Will he be honest with me, right? Or will he lie to me, I guess?"

[00:45:40]>> Maybe another is like, "How contrite does he seem? Like how bad does he feel about this knowing that I want to do this thing?" I guess up to the point of would he try to change his plans and do that with me instead? Like maybe there were like levels of what you might have expected >> Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I don't think I wanted him to change his plans.

[00:45:57]But But yeah, I think that kind of like contrite or like will he indicate some kind of sense of thinking about me or like I don't know. Anyway, that's been the situation that's been coming up for me. Would there have been a situation where he would have invited you as well where the three of you could have gone together? At that point, no way in hell. It would have been too weird.

[00:46:18]>> Okay.

[00:46:18]Nowadays, probably cool. At that time, no. Okay, so this is going to bring me to this last approach with this testing.

[00:46:26]And this last approach also happens to align with this secret category of tests from Baxter. Now, this bing bing bing bing bing secret reveal is brought to you by Field. I promise this is relevant. We're going to talk about Field later. But let me rewind. So, the last category of tests that this research from Baxter found, they call directness tests. Just ask your partner directly how they feel or disclose your feelings in the hopes that they'll reciprocate. Now, I think some of us would split hairs be like, does it count as a test necessarily? Does it count as a test? But I'm kind of like >> maybe. I don't know if it's it can still be a test without being a secret test.

[00:47:09]Yeah, I it can be a I don't know, a temperature check test. Yes, yes.

[00:47:14]>> Like, what does this person actually think of this thing that I'm proposing to them? I like the idea that a teacher would give a test and the question is just like, how well would you say you know this algebra? And you're like, pretty good. Done. On a scale from 1 to 10, how well do you know algebra? On a scale of 1 to 10, how well do you know algebra? Not too bad. I think pretty good, you know.

[00:47:34]>> Seven and a half. Yeah. Well, okay. So, so to to rewind to that research from Chory, Saad, and Booth Butterfield where they found like, "Ooh, actually it's kind of people who don't really want the relationship to continue that do these more covert tests." They found that the flip side is true that people who want the relationship to continue are more likely to be overt and direct in their testing of the relationship. Yeah. That it's like, because I want this to continue, because I like you, because I want to solve this conflict, or because I feel worried here and I want to feel close to you, I'm just going to directly ask you what I'm wondering, tell you what I'm worried about, ask for what I need, and then see how you respond. And again, this is uncomfortable. This is vulnerable. This is hard for us to do in relationship, but it's also probably the most likely test to produce the most reliable information for you.

[00:48:25]And that that is interesting to think about it since you mentioned that this segment sponsored by Feeld of like early relationships, too. Of when you're first going out there, and I remember something we've talked about from way back is in a dating profile, how early do you mention that you're non-monogamous or that you have other partners, or that you have kids, or like whatever things you worry might scare people away. And that we've tended to land on this, put those earlier, so you're saving everyone all the trouble.

[00:48:54]>> Yeah. Your big overt tests, just let them pass them right away or not, right?

[00:48:58]>> Yeah. Like kind of get get that out of the way instead of saving it for later.

[00:49:02]Kind of like my whole thing of softening the non-monogamy for a new partner at first, and then assuming they'll somehow it'll be easier later. That actually putting that up front makes more sense.

[00:49:14]And that is kind of what Feeld built their whole model around it was that.

[00:49:17]>> Yes. Yeah. Yeah. So that's why I thought that they were they were appropriate to be the sponsor for this particular segment.

[00:49:23]>> Yeah. That like this is hard this is hard in early dating, right? And it's hard when we're not in spaces that really encourage us to be radically honest. That is why we are a fan of Feeld that like they really encourage radical honesty. They really try to create a space where people can show up, like whether it's like you're wanting to explore particular kink, or you're trying to find another kitchen table partner that you want to build a really deep romantic intimate partnership with, that that's a really good space for you.

[00:49:48]So, if you're curious about that, go download Feeld on the App Store or Google Play. So, that's Field, f e e l d on the App Store or Google Play. We're a fan and we think that you will be, too.

[00:50:00]Anyway, I don't know. Some of this feels a little bit silly where it all boils down to like, "Yeah, test your partner.

[00:50:04]Do it in a direct way." But But I'm just kind of like I I think the whole point of it being a test is that like there's some stakes, right? Is that we don't know what's going to happen on the other side. And so, it's not about it being secret. It's just that there's some stakes. There's some stakes, exactly.

[00:50:19]Sure. Yeah. Now, we're going to take a moment to talk about some other sponsors for this show. We really do appreciate you giving them a listen. If any seem interesting, use our links in our show notes or use our promo codes. That does really help our show. And of course, if you'd rather support us directly, you can go to multiamory.com/join.

[00:50:37]You get ad-free episodes. You get access to our community. We have an amazing group of people on there who are there to support each other and we would love to have you be part of that and join us for things like our monthly video chat processing groups that we do.

[00:50:52]So, now knowing what we know about the ways that we test our partners, what do we do with all this information? So, a couple of things that I want people to bear in mind moving forward into their relationships. One of them being that our brains love to seek confirmation of what we already believe. So, it's really important to investigate that within yourself if you're feeling this urge to like test a partner in some particular way. Because it's really easy for us to design tests that will produce the conclusion that we are already looking for. And I think like that research about if you don't want to be in the relationship anymore, it's going to be very easy for you to design tests that create that conclusion of Oh, yeah, they're a jerk. I shouldn't be in a relationship with them anymore.

[00:51:40]>> It kind of reinforce what you already wanted to do. Yeah. And you know what?

[00:51:43]Thinking about that test I put that partner through, like I do think that was a part of it too. Honestly, it was a little bit of like, I want you to have to admit that you were like, I don't know. Not that he like messed up on that one, but like, I want you to admit that you ran into this this kind of competing priorities situation. Was that towards the end of the relationship? No, it was like fairly early on, actually.

[00:52:06]>> Uh okay. I don't know, man. There was a lot going on. Anyway, so so just that of if this is driven by some insecurity for you, just know that often it's for us to find ways that support that conclusion that oh, I should be insecure. So, just be aware of that. The other thing I want people to carry forward is just having compassion for yourself because being in a relationship is scary, man. Yeah. It is.

[00:52:31]>> Especially early relationship, it's scary. And that Baxter research where they created those categories of tests, they found that at least and now this is kind of older research, this was from the 70s, but that the relationship status itself was high up on the list of taboo topics among couples. You know, even being able to talk about Yeah, what are we? What's going on here?

[00:52:54]>> That's surprising. I know. I would like to believe that in this day and age, maybe it's less of a taboo topic, but it's still scary, right? It's still scary to have to sit down with somebody and define like, what does this mean? Do you like me the way that I like you? Is this meaningful to you in the way that it's meaningful to me, right? And so, just be compassionate for yourself if you're finding yourself wanting to do these kind of covert tests, right? And try to get this information in a way that doesn't feel quite so scary and vulnerable because this is scary and vulnerable.

[00:53:21]For sure. Now, I want to make a callback to an episode we did 600 years ago that was about snooping on a partner's devices. And we came up with this little moniker of when you want to snoop, keep your partner in the loop. And I remember that one. Oh, that was good, actually.

[00:53:41]Yeah.

[00:53:41]>> Yeah. So, I came up with when you want to test, go on a quest. And as in a quest within yourself to be curious about where is this coming from in me?

[00:53:50]Have I been in a situation like this before in my past where I got really hurt and that's me trying to protect myself here? Sometimes an exercise I will do with my clients is I'll ask them, "Hey, like let's create this hypothetical imaginary space that you step into and let's imagine there's like no consequences within this space.

[00:54:11]Everything that you do or say in this space stays within this imaginary space and let's imagine your partner, your date, your friend, like this person that you're feeling this urge to kind of test or where you have these wonderings or you have this uncertainty about the relationship, let's imagine they're standing right in front of you. What do you want to ask them? Like there's no consequences, right? Literally, you can just be direct, you can be bold, you can dump on them all of your insecurities, questions, wonderings, right? Just like what comes out. And I think that's a really important exercise to catch like what's actually underneath this for me.

[00:54:44]Yeah, that is interesting to then from that that could help you get that insight into rather than trying to let myself naturally find all these roundabout sneaky ways to try to get the information I want to instead, yeah, if I could just get whatever information I wanted, what would it be? And then you could look at, okay, is that something I could just ask? Is that something that is more of a me issue or this is more just me being insecure or something like that to get more perspective. Yeah, wow, cuz these tests are just like a fact-finding mission, but in these sort of roundabout ways, exactly like you said, James. Yeah. It's really probably the reason behind all of them. Yeah, and then thinking about the whole directness thing that I know we we just did an episode recently about indirect communication, but to focus on how asking the question specifically is maybe the more successful way to get what you want to get the information you want. I was also thinking that in a way they're tests, too, right? Like if you have a radar and you have this relationship check-in, and in that you say, "Hey, I've noticed that I plan all of our dates. I'd love it if you did that sometimes, too." The test, if you want to call it that, is their response.

[00:55:54]Is it "Ah, no, I'm too busy" or like "Oh, no, but you you" whatever they're making excuses, or is it "Okay, yes, I I'll I want to engage with that. I want to do my part. Maybe I still struggle with it. Maybe here's why that's hard for me." But like at least they're trying to engage, or they're saying, "Oh, I I thought you just wanted to do that all the time. I thought it was more of a control thing for you. I'm happy to do that. I wish I could." But it's kind of that by stating it directly in a sense of this is something I think could improve in our relationship, or this is something I'd like to try, that's a way to kind of test, in a way, what their reaction is.

[00:56:30]I also really like giving people Re Mihalco's difficult conversation formula. I think this is a great exercise where yeah, if you've identified, "Yeah, I do have this big question about the relationship" or "I do have this big worry that my partner is not going to prioritize me under these conditions," that you can follow the difficult conversation formula, which is like so you sit down by yourself, and these are the things that you write out. So, section A is you write out "This is what I haven't said to you" or "This is the question I haven't asked you." Mhm. Section B, you write out "Here are three things that I'm hoping will happen as a result of me saying this to you or asking this of you." Right?

[00:57:09]>> Okay. So, let's say if you have questions about the status of the relationship, right? And you're like what you're hoping for is I hope that we can have an open discussion about it. I hope we can talk about what we want. I hope maybe we can whip out the relationship anarchy smorgasbord. And then you write out section C, which is "Here are three things that I am scared of happening as a result of asking this question." So, for instance, if it's asking about the status of the relationship, maybe what you're scared of is I'm scared of you being scared off. I'm scared of you rejecting me. I'm scared of you thinking X, Y, and Z about me, right? So, you've populated these three sections, and then basically that's your starting blueprint for having this conversation or asking this question. As in, you go to the person and you start with C, where you're like, "Hey, I have a question I want to ask you. This is what I'm scared of, but this is what I'm hoping for, and here's my question." Now, you may not want to do it that perfectly, but again, I think it's a really good starting point to help give you something clean to bring to somebody that is clean and direct and overt and doesn't have to be kind of dodgy.

[00:58:10]You know, that's a helpful formula to have a structure at least to going into that conversation, so that you know you're approaching it with what you want to get out of it and that you're able to kind of prepare yourself, I guess, to not get off track and to keep it focused on here's what I actually want to get out of it and here's what I'm scared of, so that you don't let that unconscious fear kind of steer you away from actually getting the information that you want.

[00:58:33]Yes. And lastly, so this researcher, Russ Bolt, also created this model called the cyclical trust model. And basically, you know, the research shows that pro-relationship behavior builds trust, which increases commitment to the relationship, which produces more pro-relationship behavior.

[00:58:55]And so, the practical implication of this is rather than testing your partner, you can initiate this cycle, right? So, as in like act in pro-relationship ways, cuz that's going to help you create conditions where your partner's response becomes visible naturally, again through these natural like diagnostic situations. So, you don't need to engineer test, you just kind of need to participate. I think really that boils down to if you actually want to be in this relationship, turn towards them, be vulnerable, share yourself first, extend yourself first, which I think is the opposite of everything that social media tells you to do. I think social media is like so focused on keep yourself protected, lock it down, don't extend your energy to them. Don't risk anything unless you're certain. Yeah.

[00:59:39]>> Unless you're certain, yes. And I'm just kind of like, okay, sure, yes, I know some of you know that like maybe you tend to err too much on the opposite side and like you're aware of that, but generally I think it's like, yeah, just like extend yourself, start that cycle acting in pro-relationship ways and then see what they do. And that's going to be the most valuable source of information that you're going to get.

[01:00:00]But we want to hear from all of you out there. We want to hear your stories. If you have ever tested a partner, we're going to share your answers anonymously.

[01:00:08]You can be as honest as you would like.

[01:00:11]So again, that's going to be on our Instagram stories on the day that this episode drops. Also, the best place to share your thoughts with other listeners is in the episode discussion channel that's in our Discord server. Or you can also post about it in our private Facebook group. You can get access to these groups and join our exclusive community by going to multiamory.com/join.

[01:00:30]In addition, you can share with us publicly on Instagram @multiamory_podcast.

[01:00:35]Multiamory is created and produced by Jace Lindgren, Emily Matlack, and me, Dedeker [music] Winston. Our production assistant is Carson Collins. Our theme song is Forms I Know I Did by Josh and Anand from the Fractal Cave EP. [music] The full transcript is available on this episode's page on multiamory.com.

[01:00:54]>> [music]