The Weight of Re:Zero

[00:00:03]There is an anxiety I feel, a weight I carry. To  live up to the expectations people have of me.

[00:00:10]I have conversations I don't remember, people  say I've changed them but I don't know why.

[00:00:15]They build up this image of me I can't  control. And there's a terror in that, a gap between what people see and what I am.  The weight, the expectation. Who am I to be?

[00:00:42]Re:Zero Starting Life in Another World by Tappei  Nagatsuki was originally published as a web novel in 2012, with a light novel in 2014, and an  adaptation from Studio White Fox airing in 2016. The story follows Subaru Natsuki, a NEET  summoned to a fantasy world and his adventures in the kingdom of Lugunica. We’ve made it to  the Pleiades watchtower and I think a lot has happened that’s worth unpacking. After season  3, we start to challenge Subaru in new ways.

[00:01:08]But before diving into where the story is headed  I think it’d be good to revisit where we’ve come.

[00:01:13]In my previous essay, I say that the arc presented  in season 3, the Preistilla and Water Gate city arc acts as a transition of sorts. That it exists  to set up new stakes for the story. To be clear, I still think that’s true, but that isn’t the only  thing this arc exists to do. As part of a larger story, I also see that arc as the culmination  of what came before. The lessons Subaru learned in the previous arcs come to fruition here.  In season 1, Subaru makes the lonely decision to change himself. In season 2, he overcomes the  doubt that comes with making that change. Season 3 presents him as more confident, more secure in  his place in the world. He overcomes wrath, greed, and lust. A Subaru filled with uncertainty and  doubt would not be able to navigate the problems presented in season 3, so it’s a showcase of how  far he’s come. To paint with a very broad brush, Subaru is able to make it through season 3 because  of the trials he’s overcome. He accepts his role in the world: that’s what his speech means,  coming to terms with the role he plays. Gone is his sloth, his unwillingness to change, tempered  is his greed, the desire to find easy answers.

[00:02:21]As a whole, the major victory for Subaru  is in accepting the person he’s becoming.

[00:02:25]That’s the position Subaru is in by the  time he enters the Pleiades watchtower, and while season 3 is the culmination  of what Subaru has been through, my main argument was that it’s also the set up for  a fall. We challenge Subaru by making him operate competently in the world, and then take that  competence away. And that’s exactly what happens, but I think the specifics of what that is  has broader implications for Subaru’s growth.

[00:02:50]Initially, I didn't know what to make of Subaru's  amnesia. I mean I knew it was bad for Subaru, obviously, it happens at possibly the worst time.  But I didn't know how to feel about it as part of a broader narrative. Here, Nagatsuki plays into a  well worn fantasy trope, that of magical amnesia, where due to a curse, potion, or spell, a  character forgets certain aspects of their memories. Subaru loses all his memories of his  time in Lugunica, as far as he's concerned, he just walked out of that convenience store.  I'm not sure how people reacted to this when it first happened in the light novels, but I can  imagine it being met with a bit of frustration.

[00:03:28]That was part of my reaction too, you build up  this character, make them competent, and then through circumstances beyond their control, they  revert back to a previous state. As I was going through this, I was just waiting for Subaru to  get his memories back, because you know he is, that's what happens in this trope. It just seemed  like manufactured drama, a way to renew the horror of return by death, remove all of Subaru's  growth and make him start back at square one.

[00:03:54]That was the sentiment I had, and can you  blame me? This amnesia happens seemingly at random. There was no foreshadowing other  than it being obvious that something bad was going to happen to Subaru at some point. But after sitting on this for a while, I think I see the shape of something larger  here. Because what I said isn't quite true, Subaru doesn't actually start back at square one.  Subaru loses his memories, but that doesn't erase the things he accomplished. He's still the same  Subaru that took on the white whale, defeated two archbishops, became a knight for Emilia and her  camp. What the amnesia in this arc does is remove Subaru's memory of his accomplishments, but his  relationships, his expectations and obligations, those things all still remain, they're just  imposed on someone else. Emilia still looks to Subaru for guidance, Beatrice still sees  him as her contractor, Julius still sees a friend. None of those things are erased, they  all still exist, and I think that has fascinating implications for what that means for Subaru. There's a certain horror in realizing that the person people expect you to be isn't how you see  yourself. There’s a presence that Subaru knows was there but is missing, that of Subaru Natsuki.  It’s not just the version of Subaru that had his memories, it’s the version of Subaru that lives  inside everyone else. And that space, that gap, between who you are and how you're perceived,  there's real anxiety there because you have no control over how people see you. When you decide  to go on a journey of change, like Subaru, there comes a point where your decision to make changes  in yourself stop being solely about you. You build up a perception of yourself in other peoples  minds, and they start seeing you in certain ways.

[00:05:40]Because to be dependable means people depend  on us, to be trustworthy means people trust us.

[00:05:46]The pressure, the anxiety, to live up to those  expectations, that's exactly where this hollow version of Subaru exists. It’s Nagatsuki pointing  and personal change and saying that at some point, it stops being personal. We shape the world  around us and in turn that shapes us. We become dependable, reliable, trustworthy and that means  we have to live up to that in other peoples eyes.

[00:06:09]The consequences of the identity we build up  for ourselves stops belonging to us alone, it's negotiated with the people around us. What  amnesia Subaru experiences is an existence removed from those negotiation, he's someone who never  had the power to define himself on his terms.

[00:06:27]He inherits the social debt that comes with  being Subaru Natsuki without a sense of control.

[00:06:33]What do you do when the person people expect you  to be isn't the same person you see yourself as?

[00:06:39]How do you cope with the pain of not  having full control over your identity?

[00:06:44]It's interesting to me is how amnesia Subaru  reacts to his situation. The pressure of not being able to live up to the person people see him  as is almost unbearable. He tries to run from it, hide from it, he wants to kill everyone who  imposes that identity on him. Subaru Natsuki almost becomes an antagonistic force. And I can't blame Subaru for feeling that way because I've felt that in my  own life. The frustration of not seeing yourself to be the person people expect  all because of the promises you've made.

[00:07:16]Subaru wanted to be a shoulder to lean  on, he wanted to be reliable, dependable, a social contract that now comes due. The question  at the heart of this arc is can Subaru live up to the expectations of others; can he be what they  need him to be, what he told them he could be?

[00:07:33]There's a certain terror in realizing that the  person we build up from the inside isn't the same person people see or experience. Two versions  of who we are constructed by different people, two versions of Subaru. Because this part of  the story does depict two versions of Subaru, the one that physically exists and the  ghost that lives in people's minds.

[00:07:54]What Subaru desperately wants are the fruits  of his change without the cost. The recognition that he’s grown without the weight that  recognition places on him. A kind of gluttony: the desire to consume the results of change  without accepting the obligations that brings.

[00:08:11]I think we've all felt that before, the struggle  of living up to the person we wish to be.

[00:08:16]Making the lonely decision to undergo change,  and overcoming the doubt in our choices, we have to come to realize that at some point,  our growth does not belong to us alone. It's negotiated with others, built up from their own  point of view. We are what people need us to be.

[00:08:31]That's the responsibility we bear as participants  in a relationship. The question that this part of the story highlights is how do you deal with the  expectations and obligations you didn't realize you signed up for? Subaru is in a unique position,  he’s in a situation where he literally isn’t the person people think him to be and has to navigate  in that space. The anxiety, the pressure, it all comes to a head and drives Subaru to the brink of  giving up. That’s always been the challenge for a story like this, the threat of regression, and  this is the closest I think we’ve seen Subaru come to actually regressing. He runs, he hides,  he rages at a structure he did not create.

[00:09:13]What are you supposed to do with a responsibility  you didn’t know you had, how are you supposed to maintain relationships that you didn’t know were  built? The terror in this arc lives in that space, and that’s what dark fantasy is supposed to  do, find the horror in mundane situations.

[00:09:30]And so the question for  Subaru is how does he proceed?

[00:09:34]"...This is a story about someone  who, when pressed on all sides, uses only his inability to give up as a  weapon. So it is a story about not giving up."

[00:09:44]That’s what Nagatsuki said about his story  and I believe that’s still true here.

[00:09:49]Subaru’s true strength in this world is his  ability to persevere, so what does that look like in the context of amnesia, memory loss,  rebuilding relationships you didn’t realize you’ve built? I’m not sure when this will come out  so I’ll avoid major spoilers for what happens, but I’ll walk you through my thought process for what  I believed would occur. What we’re left with here in this arc is a Subaru divorced from his actions,  a different Subaru than the one who’s been on the journey of Subaru Natsuki. I don’t think it’s  enough for Subaru to simply regain his memories.

[00:10:20]If we are to believe Subaru to be the person he  truly is, we have to see him choose to become that Subaru Natsuki again. He has to look at the  ledger of social debt he’s collected and decide whether or not the relationships he’s built over  the years are worth the cost. Subaru might not remember who his allies are, but he can see their  love for him and that has to mean something.

[00:10:43]Relationships are a two way street after all, and  even though amnesia Subaru can’t see the value in himself, that doesn’t take away from what other  people see in him. This is a Subaru that needs to change, that needs to grow, and while he  might not have the memories of what happens, the people around him are proof that  he’s capable of change in some way.

[00:11:03]Keeping thing vague, there is a great mechanic for  how Subaru can regain his memories present in the show that was introduced. A way for him to choose  to be Subaru Natsuki despite the challenges that brings. A way that feels earned and is a decision  Subaru has to make, he is an active participant in this story and his agency needs to factor into  how this dilemma is solved. Again, it’s not enough for Subaru to regain his memories, he has to  actively choose to accept them and the cost of what that demands. To take on the responsibility  of being Subaru Natsuki all over again because that’s what his social contract means. In the end, I see this arc as exploring the anxiety between the gap of who we are and how  people see us to be. After deciding to change, overcoming the uncertainty and doubt that  choice brings, we need to reckon with the fact that who we change into isn’t entirely up  to us. It exists in conversation with others, negotiated with their needs and desires. And in  return we get the comfort of their love, their friendship, that’s the social contract we sign.  Subaru isn’t Subaru because of what he’s done, Subaru Natsuki is an idea that exists in peoples  minds. A legendary figure who conquered the white whale, defeated sin archbishops, but more  importantly, a figure that means something to the people he loves. Subaru’s growth only  has meaning within the context of other people, because if his change only affected  himself then what exactly was it all for?

[00:12:31]I’m still coming to terms with the fact that I  don’t entirely own my identity, part of who I am is shaped by how you see me. I exist in the  world, along with others, there’s no such thing as being completely alone. I get to choose my  relationships, what they mean to me, but I don’t necessarily get to choose what I mean to others.  And honoring that social contract means honoring implicit promises I made, to be trustworthy, to be  dependable, I’m asking others to see that in me.

[00:13:01]I am Subaru and Subaru Natsuki, both figures  that are part of who I am. The struggle is in reconciling the two, the self, the other coming  to terms that both exist no matter what we do.

[00:13:15]Who are you in the world? Are you who you say  you are or what other people make you out to be?

[00:13:21]That’s the question at the heart of this arc and I  think Re:Zero explores that extraordinarily well.

[00:13:27]We explore Subaru Natsuki by taking out Subaru and  seeing what’s left. What comes next is a question: if Subaru Natsuki only exists in relation to the  world, what happens when you take that world away?

[00:13:41]Who is Subaru when no one is looking?  That’s what comes next anyways.

[00:13:52]As always thank you so much for watching. Man, I got this one out pretty quickly if I do  say so myself. It took about a week to make, but I still put a lot of effort into it! If  you like the video, consider leaving a like, comment, and subscribing to the channel. You  can also support me on Patreon like the fine people you see here if you feel so inclined. Every  bit helps and makes the channel more sustainable for me. I want to make more videos just like  these and I can't do that without Patrons.

[00:14:19]But that's it from me. Thanks again for watching,  and I'll see you in the next one. Shoots.