Therapist Answers: Why Do People Cheat?

Added: 2026-05-21

[00:00:00]betrayal, infidelity. If you've been cheated on, the hurt partner has two questions every time. How could you do this to me?

[00:00:10]And how do I know you won't do it again?

[00:00:12]Why do people cheat? First of all, whenever I hear that question, I flip it. You don't ask why people cheat.

[00:00:19]People have been cheating throughout all cultures, throughout all of history.

[00:00:24]Why do people cheat? Well, it's gratifying and it is flattering.

[00:00:28]Generally speaking, affair partners give you not only sex, but kindness, attention. Remember what things were like on your first date? It's obvious.

[00:00:37]The real question is why don't you cheat? And you don't cheat.

[00:00:42]You say no if you're healthy and mature for a number of reasons. The first and foremost is I want to protect the good thing I've got. I don't want to hurt my partner. I love them. I don't want to hurt my kids.

[00:00:58]I don't want to look my kids in the eyes when they look at me and go, "Why did you screw around on Mom?" I don't want to give up my own integrity. I don't want to live with the stress, exciting as it may be, of a double life, of lying. Those are some reasons why I say no. And you know what? It's not always easy to say no.

[00:01:24]It's not always easy to do what's right and what's good for us. It's not easy to say no to that third martini or second pint of ice cream, too.

[00:01:35]Indulgence is great. We indulge because it feels good. You don't ask why you indulge. It feels good to indulge.

[00:01:44]Why don't you indulge? Because you're smart. Because you're mature.

[00:01:50]Because you don't play games with yourself. When you don't say no, when you override the no, one or two things are going on and maybe both at the same time. The second, which is the one everybody turns to, is maybe your relationship ain't so good. I say no to preserve the good marriage I have because it's worth preserving. Uh there are some cases where somebody is still fed up with the way things are. They're willing to put the marriage at risk because it's stopped meaning much to them. It's a horrible place to be and it's a horrible response. If your marriage or long-term relationship is bad, go back in and address it, challenge it, fix it. If you don't get listened to, grab a therapist who will be your ally, which is not so easy to find, that's why I like RLT, and help you get through to your partner and make things better. If it doesn't get better, then okay, then fine, get out.

[00:02:55]But a lot of people will use an affair as a transition to get out and it's a very messy way to get that done. But most people will tell you, and it's a little shock, my relationship isn't that bad. Why did I cheat?

[00:03:16]I was weak.

[00:03:17]Opportunity was there.

[00:03:19]It felt good. Wake up.

[00:03:23]One of the things that I teach the people I work with, which is really critical at this juncture, is the difference between gratification and relational joy.

[00:03:32]Gratification, which is what this culture adores, is a short-term hit of pleasure and it's selfish. Me, me, me, me, me. Why do I cheat? It feels good. Life is short.

[00:03:45]What's your problem? Well, the problem is all the damage that you're doing. And then, well, I'm not doing damage because I won't get caught.

[00:03:55]Good luck with that.

[00:03:57]I've been doing this for 40 years. I know every way to get caught under the sun. I had This is true. I had a couple The guy had a burner phone, a separate email. I mean, he could have been a double agent. He could have been a spy.

[00:04:12]His tradecraft in living a double life was superb. You know what? True story.

[00:04:19]His wife, sleeping beside him, woke up one night at 3:00 in the morning, jabbed him in the ribs, and said, "You're having sex with so-and-so, aren't you?"

[00:04:29]Just like that. Here's what I have to say. Nothing stays hidden. It won't hurt anybody because it won't come out.

[00:04:40]That's grandiosity.

[00:04:42]That's deluded.

[00:04:44]It will come out. Anything you say or do, figure will not stay hidden.

[00:04:53]And then the question is, are you willing to pay for it? Are you willing to pay the cost? And over and over again, cheaters are blown away by the devastation that gets unleashed when they're discovered. I had no idea how hurt you would be. I had no idea it would take me 5 years to win back my relationship with my own children. That's not thinking straight. So, I look at is the relationship awful? I don't condone the way it's being shaken up, but did your marriage or long-term relationship need somebody to kick open a few windows and let in some air? Okay, fine.

[00:05:43]Not that way. But, I do understand that you were feeling dead and stultified. Do something about it.

[00:05:51]Don't just act out. But at least as common if not more is grandiosity, entitlement. And we live in a narcissistic, grandiose, me me me me selfish world.

[00:06:05]Why did I cheat?

[00:06:08]Not good.

[00:06:09]Why did I cheat?

[00:06:11]He, she, they paid me attention in a way that you stopped. Did I grab you by the collar and say, "I need more attention from you?" No.

[00:06:21]I got it over there. Not a good idea.

[00:06:25]Come down from that entitlement. Grandiosity deludes us. Grandiosity impedes empathy.

[00:06:35]I had no idea how hurt you were going to be.

[00:06:38]And grandiosity um distorts our assessment of negative consequences. I had no idea the goddamn mess I was going to make. I thought I could get away with it. This is what I tell people. I had a uh meditation teacher, a Zen Buddhist. And I said, "What does your teacher say about eating meat? I know that a lot of Zen Buddhists won't eat meat." And he said, "Here's what he taught me.

[00:07:06]I'm an American. I'm not, you know."

[00:07:09]He said, "You can eat anything you want, but you have to be willing to look into its eyes while you stick a knife in it and kill it. You can cheat if you want, but you have to be willing to look in the mirror and ask yourself, 'Am I willing to deal with what happens when this gets discovered?' If you are, take your chances. But if you're not, don't play games with yourself. Why did I cheat?

[00:07:40]It's gratifying and I was entitled, grandiose, deluded, and stupid.

[00:07:49]Why won't I do it again?

[00:07:53]Because I've learned to roll up my sleeves and deal with my relationship rather than feel sorry for myself and supplement what I'm not getting by giving myself permission to get it over there. What did I get from the infidelity?

[00:08:13]Okay.

[00:08:14]Fight for that at home. It's what you deserve.

[00:08:19]It's what your partner deserves.

[00:08:21]And it's what your kids deserve. Why do I say no?

[00:08:27]I'm after bigger game.

[00:08:31]Wake up.

[00:08:33]Remember that. I have a message for the hurt partner. You have been traumatized.

[00:08:38]Take that seriously. You've been hit over the head with a baseball bat. In in the first flush of discovery, the questions are are you eating? Are you sleeping? Do you need some medication?

[00:08:49]This is a trauma. You've been run over by a truck.

[00:08:53]And if you hang in with support, couples therapy for sure, if your partner does the work, this is not hopeless. But both of you have to do the work.

[00:09:07]What went on before the betrayal? What have you put up with that you probably would have been better off confronting. Maybe you have tried in your relationship to go along to get along. Here's the bill. It's time for both you and your partner to roll up your sleeves, be more vigorous, be more emphatic, and fight for intimacy.

[00:09:35]Settling for less is not safer. Look what you just lived through.

[00:09:42]So, take some chances and fight for the relationship you both deserve.

[00:09:49]Settling for less does not get you what you need. Have courage. If this has been helpful and you're interested in more, then subscribe to the channel. There's a lot more where this came from. Hope to see you.

[00:10:04]>> [music]