understanding teenage relationships

Added: 2026-05-24

[00:00:03]Hey senior students, how are you? I'm fine. How are you?

[00:00:06]>> say thank you for accepting to be with us today. It's my pleasure to be here.

[00:00:10]>> This is the Within Mentorship Lounge and our our main theme is like recent, you know, podcast has been inside a teenager's mind. So, I want to have, you know, understand a teenager's mind at this time in different dimensions. Right now, we know that was academics, parents guidance and what, but today it's hot.

[00:00:32]We're having the teenage relationships.

[00:00:34]I'm even excited, you know, when I was coming here, really excited to talk about this issue. [laughter] Ah. Because I I I I suppose it's going to help me understand these kids, you know, better because I'm also the firstborn at home. So, I have I have kids, you know.

[00:00:50]My most of my brothers and sisters are still teenagers and, you know, talking about this will even make me a better brother. But, the thing is that we have many parents and teachers say teenage relationships destroy, you know, students, they destroy their academic journey, you know, they bring pregnancies, heartbreaks, indiscipline, loss of focus, you know, but is that the whole story? Or we are there, you know, we are we are just using one dimension to actually see these relationships?

[00:01:19]You know? So, today we want to understand what actually happens in these relationships. And you know, you know, the right man for the job because even [laughter] the way you are you are putting on slogans Yeah.

[00:01:31]or in the or in the gummy tee.

[00:01:33]>> [laughter] >> I wish.

[00:01:36]Yeah. So, the the the first the first question we want to talk about, do you think uh the teenage relationships are as destructive as the as as parents think or teachers?

[00:01:51]Well, personally, I hope um before I even say anything, uh I wish they are not watching, but anyway.

[00:01:59]>> [laughter] >> But I'll give you a warning as a parent. Please, please don't watch clothes.

[00:02:07]>> [laughter] >> Uh, it's okay. Um, I I would start by defining teenage relationships.

[00:02:15]Uh, in a layman's term, whereby um, I believe these are just situationships that happen along like along with someone's um, should I say path to life to better life, to adult life? Yeah. Yeah.

[00:02:33]Teenage relationships, mainly people may say they are only in schools, but I believe even before someone gets married, so long as they still have that teen mindset, Mhm. it's a teenage relationship. Teenage relationship.

[00:02:45]Yeah. So, they are actually they are taken to be distracting, they are taken to be bad.

[00:02:51]No one has ever said something good about it.

[00:02:53]>> [laughter] >> It's not true. Mhm. Whether teachers, uh, parents, they all condemn them, right? Yeah. But um, there's a good side of everything. I believe they are there. Yeah. Actually, the the advantages are there. Yeah. So, with your experience, you know, because you are I suppose, because I've I've watched you, I've seen you, you are you are a person who looks Yes, you look teenage. When someone looks at you, can can you actually not describe you fully, because you have two sides, you know?

[00:03:23]You have the side that people see, you know, the go-getter boy, and then the other side that is respectful, the side that is, you know, insightful and analytical. So, that's why you are actually the the best, you know, person to talk about this. So, let's talk about the good things. You you know, you know, with your experience on both the boy side and the girl side. I wouldn't say experience, but I would say exposure.

[00:03:47]>> [laughter] >> No, let's be real. I don't want to lie. Yes.

[00:03:53]I wouldn't say experience but exposure.

[00:03:55]Yeah, so we have been in actually we have been in school with different calibers of people actually people of different calibers.

[00:04:06]We have been with students from different backgrounds from different schools. Yeah, we have seen things going. We have seen things happen.

[00:04:15]And sometimes we you know keep it ourselves. Sometimes they call it snitching in high school. [laughter] Sometimes guys snitch and stuff.

[00:04:23]But when you look at teenage relationships, serious teenage relationships when I say serious I mean um there are relationships that have happened in schools among students for more than should I say one year?

[00:04:39]For more than a year for for more than one actually for more than one year.

[00:04:44]Yeah, and it's really healthy.

[00:04:47]Um there are relationships that happen just for just should I say just for lush as my fellow seniors understand. Yeah, it's called lush whereby um it's lush actually. Just want someone for let me say so that very time to you know search yourself and chill.

[00:05:07]Yeah, but when I look at the good side these relationships are hopeful in our growth path.

[00:05:17]Um firstly, I believe if two partners or two people or two teenagers decide actually have a feeling for each other. At first it comes as a actually it comes as a fling.

[00:05:29]After that fling thing yeah, one of obviously will confess. Oh, if they are both shy the signs will show and >> [laughter] >> tell.

[00:05:37]Yes, continue.

[00:05:38]But um if two partners get into a relationship firstly, it helps let me say I won't say gender this, but let me say it helps them grow their mindsets.

[00:05:52]How?

[00:05:54]One will learn how to unite with the other.

[00:05:56]How to unite. The boy will learn how How do I approach? Mhm.

[00:06:01]If it's the first time obviously it will be it will be um nervous for them Mhm. to you know, express themselves, but with time they learn. They'll be like they learn how to relate with people.

[00:06:15]Mhm.

[00:06:16]If your relationship with someone that's let me say during school time Mhm. there are sometimes where by your partner gives you let me say boundaries or what to do what to do with me when you're in a relationship with me. Mhm. Or what you meant to do with the others, right? Mhm.

[00:06:30]So one learns how to relate with different people in different >> In a different >> in a different way. Isn't that restrictive?

[00:06:38]It may be restrictive >> for a young girl or for a young boy? It may be restrictive, but it's what's helping them Mhm. to survive.

[00:06:46]Yeah. Then the other thing um after learning how to unite um it shapes people.

[00:06:54]Like shapes? Mhm.

[00:06:56]Prepares us for the better.

[00:06:59]If you get to a relationship and apparently maybe you break up with someone after that relationship uh let me say you cheated or something.

[00:07:07]The person who is broken with a broken heart will actually be mentored on how they have to handle their next relationship.

[00:07:16]>> [laughter] >> It's better. That's that's that's actually true. That's actually true.

[00:07:20]That's I think I'm very sure that happens in adult life. Mhm. Yeah, so they learn how to handle their next relationship so that you know, they don't go back to heartbreak.

[00:07:30]Next time it should be slow but sure.

[00:07:32]Not you know, last time only. You get?

[00:07:35]Mhm.

[00:07:36]Yeah. So the other benefit um I would say these relationships generally How can I say? Okay, generally, builds confidence Mhm. among students. Yeah.

[00:07:48]That's true.

[00:07:49]among students. [laughter] Especially for the boys' side. Yeah. You know?

[00:07:55]Now, in a way that if someone is doing something in public, they're reminded, "Yo, you have a babe."

[00:08:04]>> [laughter] >> Be hard. Mhm.

[00:08:06]So, yeah, he will always attach such near my I don't want my babe to that I miss you know shaggy guy and I'm charlat, you get? Yeah.

[00:08:16]They learn how to like, you know, compose themselves in different uh occasions, in different scenarios of life.

[00:08:23]That's the confidence I'm talking about.

[00:08:24]The confidence won't be uh like talking to people, but self-confidence as well. Mhm.

[00:08:29]Whereby everyone knows that the girl I have is the best, right? No one can tell you that.

[00:08:35]No one can tell you that. Okay, actually, even though your boys chat for you and they'll be like, um "Man, your girl is" they call it chopped or not worthy. Mhm. Yeah, so we call it chopped.

[00:08:46]You'll be like, "Nah, I'm not sure she's, you know, the best." Gives you self-confidence, yeah.

[00:08:50]I'm the man, you get? Mhm. Yeah.

[00:08:53]So, Okay, thank you very much for sharing with us. I I I can start with the confidence part. Yeah, you have given us that it helps you get the one, but also as as as a boy, you know, for boys, it actually actually works. Yeah.

[00:09:06]In which way? You know, in me my experience I I said from the single school.

[00:09:11]And you know, we had we had students who would never never show up in the school.

[00:09:17]We We can now you know how how single relationships single school relationships happen. You find yourself somewhere, you don't know each other, you don't know each other, but you know, girls are looking at you to start talking to them, you >> [laughter] >> They're like, [clears throat] "Uh-huh.

[00:09:30]Uh-huh." And and you know, and most of us, I think we we really we were shying away because we feared to be, you know, they won't say that to me.

[00:09:39]You know, and you know how how am I going to look? You know, when when the girl says And you know, boys they're going to look at you and wait for you to to actually to be dissed.

[00:09:50]And they would you know, they would come and they'll feel very happy. They would they would TALK ABOUT YOU.

[00:09:56]>> [laughter] >> YEAH, so but but you know, it it it it's it's it's on the journey as you were saying, it's on the journey of growth, you know?

[00:10:04]I feel like it's very very important if controlled and managed well. It's very very important because it it fuels the journey, you know? Because we're going to get married anyway. Yeah.

[00:10:13]>> That time has to be there. They have to break us to come. But if it comes at what age or at what age? True. You know, it it has to come. So, when I actually have a journey where I learn to talk to people, I learn to be affectionate, you know? I like I I learn to that when they say no to you, it's okay. It's not deep.

[00:10:30]It's not deep, but Yeah. You know, and maybe not to expect a lot from people. Yeah. You know, so to you, do you think actually teenage relationships is real love or >> [laughter] >> or [clears throat] it's it's it's just maybe situationship? It's just admiration. Okay. You think it's real or it's a for what?

[00:10:55]It's just something people do to play with each other.

[00:11:00]Well, for that, um it depends on how serious and how committed the two people are.

[00:11:08]For as I said as I said earlier, there are relationships that are um obviously um >> [clears throat] >> if I tell a girl, "Let's just hang out."

[00:11:19]What comes to a girl's mind first? Cuz I have girlfriends. I have girlfriends Mhm. and boyfriends. Mhm. So, obviously they would know. Yeah. This guy has been talking to me. Now he wants to hang out.

[00:11:31]Mhm. If the girl doesn't know you that well, she hasn't studied you. She hasn't become close to you to know what you want at what time. She will always say, "I think my next girl wants lash."

[00:11:40]Wants to No, just lash me and chill me there.

[00:11:43]But, if she has studied you and she knows your Let me say your personality, she knows you deep. Within that talking stage, she will know, "Yeah, this guy wants maybe to know me better. He wants us to have a nice time, a memory that we won't forget."

[00:11:57]So, that relationships just for lash and not the ones serious, but the ones full Actually, the ones that have taken time whereby you don't rush things.

[00:12:04]Like, you know, first places.

[00:12:06]Whereby you take time to know to Actually, you're relaxed.

[00:12:10]There are girls whereby you going to approach a girl and she's like, "Okay, everyone in school knows her.

[00:12:15]You're going to bench for 2 years."

[00:12:17]What to allow? Okay, I'm I Yeah, minimum. I won't lie. Even where I am right now, it's there.

[00:12:23]There are girls that make you bench such she studies you. She knows how patient are you. How much do you want me? How serious are you? You get?

[00:12:30]Yeah, this may not This may be actually seen as a movie to parents thinking, you know, >> [laughter] >> this shouldn't happen, but it really happens.

[00:12:37]Yeah, in schools. So, if a girl to Actually, makes you to go slow and you you know, you persist and you go slow still, patience. You don't do Actually, you chill your chill before before going to how we actually have those parts where you've been a lash guy and stuff, but if you you decide to lay low, to settle and you go for and wait for her, then that's going to be a real Actually, real one.

[00:13:01]Even though it happens to Let me say break at a point, the bond there, you know, the same bond that is Actually, it's that is in a relationship whereby we have met after 2 weeks. After Actually, after 2 days, we are dating.

[00:13:15]Calling dating.

[00:13:17]>> [laughter] >> Yeah, that's a weak one. And the other thing is the relationships that are not real, that don't have real love, are the ones that um are are on friend groups, are based on groups that are based on people's words.

[00:13:30]I'm dating this guy in my friend group once.

[00:13:33]This guy is cool. I'm dating him. The whole school knows. You get?

[00:13:39]>> [laughter] >> Yeah, his school is Let me say a looks good. That's what they say. A looks good. The whole school knows I'm dating him. You get? That's now a fake relationship. It's based on a show.

[00:13:50]Social visa.

[00:13:52]Man, even when I go back to our time, you know? There's no way you could date someone that is not considered, you know, cool in the >> [laughter] >> community. Yeah, that's the message I'm getting about.

[00:14:04]>> remember one day with my friends we had gone to study, like senior five. We have selected combinations, serious people. Now, there was a class in my class, you know? So, I had to go out to to the DH to read.

[00:14:18]But, you know what they started doing?

[00:14:21]Rating girls. Rating girls. Say we ask girl, huh? Like beauty, 10 out of 10.

[00:14:28]>> [laughter] >> Uh Nya two out of 10, you know? And would I No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, she's three. No, no, no, no, no, no, she's two, you know? Yeah. And and you know, it was it was, you know, the last one was brains. Last one. But, all people would consider is appearance first. And brains last. Yes. You know, when you get a girl, even if they just see you talking to her and she doesn't look nice.

[00:14:53]>> [laughter] >> They don't really care.

[00:14:58]>> [laughter] >> They don't, you know? Yeah. You know, Cathy, but but I can I can explain you that how why it comes about in a psychological way. That teenagers it's it's a characteristic that they they they consider how they are looked at more than actually their own happiness.

[00:15:14]Yeah, that's true. You know? Yeah. He will be good like he will feel nice when she's dating a girl that everyone considers out there even if it emotionally drains them.

[00:15:25]It also happens to girls actually. Yeah, it's true. If she's a girl who is graded somehow, she's she's beautiful, you know. She's very reasonable there.

[00:15:33]They're on a high level there, on the same level even if it drains her. You know, that's how it can affect even her academics. Even if it drains her, this guy, you know, I've seen people they they chat every time, every day, they you know. You know, there are many people involved in the relationship. This one will know, the other one will know, the other one will know.

[00:15:50]>> Yeah. You know? So, I I think that's one of the bad side of this is that in most relationships, people are considering how they are looked at >> Looked at. Yeah. than actually what is happening to them. They are they are themselves. to themselves. Let me tell you a small story. I went to You know, I've been in Nigeria so much cuz I work with them.

[00:16:09]So, I went to I got a chance to be in in a community in an instance where there are teenagers from different schools, mixed, single. What? Now, the ones that I knew were from the mixed school. So, I told them, you know, as you know, you know, girls, go go talk to someone.

[00:16:26]>> [laughter] >> Go do this. Go do this. You know?

[00:16:29]Unfortunately, they went on boys from the single school. You know? You know, they started talking, you know.

[00:16:35]You know, actually, I actually bet it with them. If you talk to that boy for 30 minutes or for 40, I'm going to give you something. And yeah, the girls were actually motivated to go and do it. So, they went and talked to the boys. And when they came back, they told me they said, "These boys actually ask what to know how you are."

[00:16:54]You know? They want to know how was your day. They want to know where you stay.

[00:16:57]They want to [laughter] know how was your class. Gentlemen. Gentlemen, you know, they are they are they are talking to you, you know? And I was like, "Wow."

[00:17:04]You know, because when I went back to You know, boys of single school, sometime, you know, the relationship sees uh you know, we talk. They they talk to girls. They want to know what happened to them, what You know, which Oh, sometime it doesn't happen with boys in mixed schools. It's just they see you. What What are you talking about? Of course not everyone. They are those.

[00:17:25]They see every day and just Because told me that you know, they were impressed with how these boys wanted to know about their lives. You know, and and I think that's healthy. And because okay, parents these days are not present, you know, teachers also have their own problems. They're not people you can really talk to, you know. So, I feel like one of the wins of all the good things that we're trying to do is that these people get someone to talk to. You know, right now, you know, I'm 25 and you know, there are things I can't understand from someone who is 17 years.

[00:17:56]You know, even when I go to to these schools, yes, some girls and boys try to talk to me about their lives. This is happening to me because they feel I will not judge them, you know. But if I I feel like girls or boys it's it's need someone who they talk to. Someone who cares.

[00:18:12]>> Someone who you know, is going to care for them. Affection, you know.

[00:18:16]Even the old boy but even the youngest, no one doesn't want to be >> [clears throat] >> Exactly. Yeah. You know.

[00:18:21]>> [laughter] >> You know, and and and I feel I feel that that's a good part about relationship. Then the second thing from your conversation is that to know a man has to know that it's time they have to fail.

[00:18:33]Yeah.

[00:18:34]>> You know, so I feel like when a man, you know, first of all, he's learning to walk. And you're going to see new people. You're going to go out and you're going to go, you know, how are you? You know. You tell them about their lives. Yes.

[00:18:45]Because you know, it's this, you know, gender mixed energy that actually sometimes connects. You know, you could easily be interested to talk to a girl than to a boy, you know.

[00:18:56]So, I feel for boys it helps them to to learn to network. If it controlled in it, it's not It helps them with their own self-confidence. That's a confidence aspect of it.

[00:19:06]You know, in senior two I senior three, the time I I reached and every girl I talked to.

[00:19:13]They ditch me like they don't accept me.

[00:19:16]Oh, I remember the way I was looking when I WAS LOOKING SO YOUNG, you know? And and you know, I started to believe that.

[00:19:24]I think they ditch me.

[00:19:26]I feel I think no one will accept me, you know? My self-esteem was low because you know, that self-confidence was way Yeah, cuz I was I was asking myself, why is every girl, you know, ditching me?

[00:19:37]And when things actually started turning the other side the other way around in senior four, you know, I started to get the confidence. I started talking to people more. Now I girls would say, "Okay, they would actually allow me to talk to them." So, I feel like for yeah, it really works on on the confidence side.

[00:19:57]On the on the confidence side. Then there's this also bad part of it where I was I was talking to some boy. Yeah, he's in holidays. They were together with They were playing PS. Then I showed them, "You you you boy, where did you leave the chingala?"

[00:20:12]I said, "Eh, I call him a chingala." It's because the girl was thick thick [laughter] was was thick. And they were talking, "This there's no there's no way your girlfriend's going to put on heels on prom heels.

[00:20:25]You know, she she will break them. She's She's heavy, you know?

[00:20:28]>> [laughter] >> You know?" I feel And and I wait. You know, that bad part where boys actually dismiss girls in the way they look. Mhm.

[00:20:38]How how do you How How is your experience with that? Uh with how with that girls? Yes.

[00:20:46]Well, it's true. It's real.

[00:20:48]And some situations some boys actually says some of us some of us I won't be like away from them.

[00:20:58]Some of us um look at the opposite sex in a negative way.

[00:21:03]Whereby you're only looking for the Let me say the red actually red flags on them. They got red flags.

[00:21:09]>> Yeah. Um you only look at a babe via looks. That's what That's how you said rate. That's how they rate her. via looks.

[00:21:18]>> How do they rate her? Yeah, even though she's brains, and she gets 2020 throughout the whole year.

[00:21:23]>> [laughter] >> And if she doesn't have looks, they are going to, you know, they are going to yap for her.

[00:21:29]But boys normally, actually, we boys normally look at a girl considering face, considering body, leaving out the inner personality. Mhm.

[00:21:37]Yeah, that's why um the relationships that have taken long in schools, that have, you know, really been called relationships, Mhm.

[00:21:46]it's about understanding someone's personality. So, boys normally, we boys normally talk look at the outside features and I come to a conclusion, man, that baby is short.

[00:21:57]>> [laughter] >> Man, that baby is not thick. You get such stuff. Then, it's not only on the side of boys, even girls do that, by the way. I won't I won't I won't hide that.

[00:22:06]Even girls do that.

[00:22:08]Yeah, girls who are watching, I know you know it's real. Mhm. In your GCs, um girls can look at a boy and be like, for those and they might look for gentlemen, uh guys who are caring, hard guys, hard guys, okay. Not natural like that.

[00:22:22]Uh-huh, that's what they don't care.

[00:22:25]>> [laughter] >> Uh that's what they look for. But, they also, let me say, judge them.

[00:22:30]A man that guy now, that guy doesn't have abs. That guy is not not tall, is not mugged. Uh-huh. You get that such stuff.

[00:22:37]Yeah. [laughter] So, um generally, we teenagers tend to judge the the opposite gender negatively, which is not right.

[00:22:47]Yeah. It may seem fun at that point, but put yourself in someone's shoes. Okay, put yourself in enough in your future shoes, whereby you give birth to a child, and your child is now being judged.

[00:22:59]You get it's your blood being judged.

[00:23:01]You get So, that's the same So, I actually I I had I highly condemn that even with my boys where we are actually being normal and chatting, I highly condemn it cuz it's not worth it.

[00:23:13]You know, it's not right to judge someone cuz of their looks cuz they had no permission Yeah. over what they look like right now. You get? This one can go for plastic surgery and whatever, but still it brings effects. Yeah.

[00:23:25]But other than that, yeah, it's about rating, but please Yeah, everything is there. I won't I won't say it's not it's not supposed to be there. It's there. It's there.

[00:23:36]Uh within our journey of teenage life. Mhm. It's there in schools. It gives us happiness, right?

[00:23:42]Yeah, you be you have no convo you have conversation you have you having a conversation and it's about girls. Yeah, you obviously you're happy your boys you are you are chatting you are [laughter] chatting that stuff. Yeah, but if you go outside and sit alone and be like, man, ah imagine if it were my daughter they were saying this about Truly it comes back to you. My sister.

[00:24:00]>> [laughter] >> Even if for a baby it may not hurt you.

[00:24:03]You may be like, ah man, we are not connected by blood and that. Mhm. By the way, there are some boys who be in the conversation when they are rating talking about their babes. You get?

[00:24:12]Yesterday they know they know they are talking about their babes and they are rating. They can't say anything. Because you know the cost. Yeah, cuz either Aha, social life social life how will my boys see me if Mhm. I if I you know I tap in for his babe. Let me chill. You get?

[00:24:27]Yeah, but if you sit alone and be like, man, if it's my sister if actually if it were my sister if it were my mom if it were my daughter that they were judging, you realize, man, it's all about it's not actually worth Mhm. Yeah. And and and I think this actually affects a lot of girls. Yes, it does. Normally it does to girls. They even boys are affected. I won't lie.

[00:24:48]>> [laughter] >> I won't lie cuz out of exposure uh girls can you know talk about her. Well, let me say Let me say okay, hygienically the guy is not okay. Mhm. Talking about the person who first who demoralized them to speak in public, to be out there in public, to do anything, to go for a post, to do Let me say, speak in class or anything.

[00:25:11]Yeah, talking about them in a bad way.

[00:25:14]But, if a boy has a friend who's a girl, a friend, who can come and talk to them and be like, "Yo, you're not steady in this and this.

[00:25:22]Let's work upon it, you know?"

[00:25:24]You Actually, you take it in, but from your friend, close friend, you'll be like, "Man, she's helping me. Let me do it." But, if from girls, some boys actually riot and be like, "Uh-uh.

[00:25:36]They they aren't telling me anything.

[00:25:37]It's my life. I do what I want. They aren't deciding on who how I should behave, what I should do." You get?

[00:25:43]So, this chat your ex give boys affects them in a way that for some boys, they shape up. They shape up and be like, "Man, they have talked about this.

[00:25:53]Let me do the opposite now." You get?

[00:25:54]>> [laughter] >> I mean, they have talked about me being that, let me be clean cuz girls said.

[00:25:58]Then, for other boys, actually make them worse. You said a boy is Let me say he's ugly.

[00:26:03]You've called him ugly. Yeah, he's going to say, "I'm ugly." But, he's going to get this confidence of dissing every girl that comes across him. He'll be like, "You dissed me. You you didn't diss me. Let me so diss you. I know I'm ugly, but let me diss you." Cuz he has nothing new to tell you. You get? Yeah, so it shapes them in that way, that wrong path.

[00:26:18]>> [laughter] >> So, the boys also get affected in that way, positively and negatively. Same as Actually, same as the girls. They also get affected in that way. But, normally girls get affected negatively, whereby it's emotional to them.

[00:26:29]They're going to go cry. Grades are going to go down cuz of the depression.

[00:26:33]Some of them even go ahead and cut themselves, like create cuts on their bodies. In some schools, I won't lie, in schools, cuts in their bodies. Some of them try to not commit suicide.

[00:26:44]Yeah, but it's all about the mentality.

[00:26:49]Yeah, so uh We started happy, but things have started to be being emotional.

[00:26:55]>> [laughter] >> It is As you said, it's a relationship. A relationship is not about I won't say a relationship is about, let me say, love.

[00:27:04]If we go back to Actually, if you go to the current world right now, there are ups and downs in relationships, right?

[00:27:09]There are good Are there good things and bad things? So, a relationship is like, let me say, a bond that's going to be with you for a time being. Actually, let me say for a time that you wish it to happen. It's a bond. There are things that are going to happen. There are things that are going to be said.

[00:27:24]But there are good moments that are going to be memorable forever. Yeah. So, right now we're in the emotional bit.

[00:27:29]>> [laughter] >> Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

[00:27:34]Do you Let's I want to stress more more on this thing about the losing the esteem in the relationship, you know? What What makes when a guy and a boy is in a relationship, what things makes the girl lose esteem? And which thing makes the boy lose esteem? Okay. Um I won't I won't speak so much for the girl, but what I know according to what I know. Mhm.

[00:27:58]For a girl to lose esteem in a relationship with a guy, Mhm.

[00:28:02]if she realizes that this guy talks behind my back with his boys or with other girls, that's one. They will get demoralized.

[00:28:11]They'll be like >> Talking about what? Talking Actually, about her generally, in a bad way, of course. Mhm. Let me say, after you guys have a chat, let me say there's a chat of club babies and then Mhm. but you just keep quiet >> [laughter] >> cuz with your boys, then one of her friends, who is also in your group, goes and tells her cuz maybe he wants her also. Or he wants to be seen as a good person. Yeah. The guy sells to her. She will lose esteem. You get it?

[00:28:35]Yeah. Then the other thing is a relationship Should I say Okay, so to be frank, I will be frank.

[00:28:42]Mhm. When guys are in relationships, they normally How do I mean? They normally exchange private stuff physically and just get if your relationship if we are in a relationship with someone normally should I say tonight is a real part you guys I don't know I don't know if I'm lying but I know it's real if people are in a relationship obviously there will be that time whereby guys hype like he's horny I won't lie yeah he's horny so obviously you will try to know to talk talk to that guy requesting for something you know that things I won't lie >> [laughter] >> send me something so if that guy actually if that guy trusted you she would be like man he's my man let me let me send you get but you know when during a relationship there are also bad parts so when they like you guys tend to get pissed at each other at a point you send it to that guy right nowadays teenagers use Snapchat cuz Snapchat is safer it reports a lot but this guy has saved every this guy has taken a screenshot he's saving it to camera roll and stuff so you know what he makes you worry why are you saving it in camera roll you ask that so normally they send them either in viewers or in this so if it's a viewer so obviously your boy if he has a second phone he's going to screen record or take a picture so you when you guys get a small rumble between yourselves that guy is going to blackmail you you get after blackmailing he will release them to be to gain aura man I dated this baby she's she sent me this stuff I knew you got your heart show us show us [laughter] you got your heart you get after them hyping he's going to release your nudes as a girl so if a girl girls a girl sees their themselves out there their esteem really goes down some of them even decide to change school.

[00:30:45]It's real. Some of them decide to, you know, to become antisocial.

[00:30:48]Some of them decide to check their gender, their whole gender, their whole male gender as trash, as bad people, as devils and stuff.

[00:30:57]So, that's another thing that can make them lose self-esteem. For girls, So, something else maybe you can also give us an insight. I have this story where a girl told me that she was in she was in what to school and she she was from a single school so she came to this mixed school and they went for donkey. Now, for for like, you know, okay, before she met this boy, the boy was very nice, what? And the girl was in it, you know, I'm from a single school, the first 2 weeks, 3 [clears throat] weeks, 4 weeks.

[00:31:29]Socializing. You know, and and now the donkey came and this boy, you know, you know, they rubbed each other. You know, the the girl enjoyed and the girl was free, you know, she didn't know the culture of the school before. And then after some time, everyone was talking about them.

[00:31:45]And the girl couldn't handle this pressure. You know, everyone in the dorm, like, is that how could they rub you like that? What what what? And the boy was also not like not in it. The boy was was like out of it. All he talked with their boys, like, they did stuff.

[00:32:02]Yeah. And the guy lied about the things he did and everything reached to the girl and the girl lost it. She was just new to the school. It's real. She did not raise up the hand in the class again. She was always sitting, you know, outside class reading from class. And now she she had up and she was, you know, academically she didn't succeed.

[00:32:21]What do you say about that? Yeah, that's real. It's very real, by the way. In schools whereby um whereby um that is considered most.

[00:32:31]Some schools rubs are normal.

[00:32:33]They are considered to be normal. But um obviously they are going to talk about it.

[00:32:38]So, if a girl is if a boy is dating actually has a girl they call their babe. Mhm.

[00:32:44]And they ask for abs, let me say on danki and stuff. Mhm. And the girl maybe she's she's from a music school she's not exposed. She's not that good. She's not experienced to to uh the way you people viewers want. Mhm.

[00:32:57]Um and after you talk actually you talk ill about her, it's going to demoralize.

[00:33:02]That's very real.

[00:33:03]But, I believe for girls yes it puts them down. And it's very hard for them to do the same thing again. That's very hard. Very hard, trust me, very hard.

[00:33:13]But, among the girls I know that have maybe went through such Mhm. some of them be like, "Man, let me better up."

[00:33:22]Yeah, you have to me man. I don't know how to wine. Yeah, they go and better [clears throat] up. Let me go learn how to wine.

[00:33:27]So, that next time I'm like, "Yes, I'm seen." You get? Some of them better up in a way let me say I play They They make their They better their dancing and stuff. They better [clears throat] their way they express themselves outside there in the dankis and stuff. Mhm. [clears throat] Yeah, they better up. But, the rest they get demoralized. Now, actually that's even causes um causes low confidence in and that I actually low confidence leads to talent deterioration. Mhm.

[00:33:56]If you are if you are let me say a person who was supposed to be into music that's a drama. Mhm. And you are you're you're sat on you're stuck on cuz of such a small matter. You will never be able to stand on stage again to do it cuz many think, "Ah, I'm the girl they talked about that know how to wine. What am I What am I going to What am I going to do? They're going to go there boom."

[00:34:16]You get?

[00:34:17]>> [laughter] >> You get? Yeah, so they will still be sat on. Their talents will be sat on. They will be lowered down.

[00:34:25]Yeah, and it will affect actually it will affect their whole path through high school if they don't play a deaf ear and try to better up.

[00:34:31]Mhm. Yeah. Okay, then the on the side of the boys Then now >> When do boys lose esteem when [clears throat] they're in a relationship?

[00:34:39]Okay, for boys, straight between the among boys if it's a chat between boys or in a boys group chat Mhm. Um it's not deep.

[00:34:48]It's not deep for boys. Cuz are you are you It's not true. It's not deep. For the boys, it's not deep.

[00:34:53]>> They want to chat for a boy, man. You don't know how to lash. You don't know how to do this. Mhm. For him, it's not deep. Guys Guys Guys will chat at the teeth and becomes normal the next day. Mhm.

[00:35:03]Yeah, but if it's coming from the girls side to a boy, not from the boys group chat, if it's coming [clears throat] from the girls side to a boy, whereby it's man We overheard the girls actually My girl told me that they are the mature you are talking about you. They're talking about the way you what? The way Let me say the way you dance.

[00:35:23]>> [laughter] >> You're rough. That eh? Mhm. Uh the way you conduct yourself in a relationship that cool causes a boy to Let me say to give you a false personality of themselves. Mhm. Yes, they talked to They talked about me. I don't know how to what? I don't know how to Let me say dress Actually, I'm I'm poorly dressed. I'm I conduct myself poorly. I have nothing good on me. Mhm. Yes, he's going to give you a false fish Actually, false impression of him, whereby he's going to act as if he has become responsible to impress a girl. Mhm.

[00:35:57]I'm telling the truth. They will lie to you that they are now become formal.

[00:36:01]But them becoming formal, it's only for you.

[00:36:04]It's not the whole the whole of them. of them. Yeah. They only They're only formal when they are with you or when people are seeing you. Mhm. That's the false thing. So, they will make sure they turn themselves upside down so that you see them the way you want them to be seen. Mhm. Then the other thing is for boys as I said, some boys get affected negatively. Mhm. If if you chat to chat for you a girl and be like man tell that guy he cheats a lot in a relationship. Tell him, leave him, dump him. You get dump him.

[00:36:36]Uh if a guy has been spending a lot of money on you, has been investing in you uh that thing that you're talking about him that actually that you're listening to your friends listening to your friends telling you to kill that guy. It's going to lower his esteem in the relationship but he's going to decide not to put in anything anymore. He's going to lose interest in you knowing that uh man, I'm dating the whole crew.

[00:37:00]>> [laughter] >> You get cuz you talk about him with your girls and you don't tell him.

[00:37:05]Yeah. Then um the other thing that I think can actually affect the boys negatively actually can make them uh lower their esteem.

[00:37:13]It's about it's about um you trying to tell other boys about your relationship.

[00:37:20]If you're a girl and you have boyfriends like you're in a clique of boys and you tell your boys man this guy Okay, let me say I want to It's a teenage relationship so it means it's even adult sub player, right? Let me say you've been with a boy or you've been with a boy outside. Let me say you've slept with a boy.

[00:37:38]You talking about their physical appearance. Now it's the real part physical appearance the inner appearance that we cover.

[00:37:46]Yeah. Their sizes and stuff really lowers their esteem.

[00:37:50]It really does.

[00:37:52]Yeah. So and there are these these are for my boys that some guys who are fat like fat >> [laughter] >> I won't say fat okay like he's heavy heavy guys.

[00:38:02]You talking about them being you know being fat being having tummies having that >> [clears throat] >> really lowers them. I have my boys I have friends who are heavy like I won't say fat but heavy.

[00:38:13]They really don't like it.

[00:38:15]It really demoralizes them a lot.

[00:38:17]>> So to you to you now this is the information you've been giving is going to help like students watching us, you know. What How do you think, as a parent, you must manage your relationship? As a parent? Yes. The relationship [clears throat] of your your daughter. Because okay, for us boys, we are okay. If if you are a parent and you know, you have a teenager, you know, of course the teenagers are not going to tell you things, but you know, how can we actually support them to actually have the healthy one? You see, you know, they have that one. How can we support them so that they don't lose esteem? You know, because as I told you, many girls, you know, they know because they have talked about this a lot of times. You know, they know now that they they don't look nice. You know, you you ask a teenager, you know, she's 16, 17 and she's like she plans and she says, "I'm not beautiful." Why?

[00:39:10]She says, "Why? How do you know it?"

[00:39:12]Man, the boys say it.

[00:39:13]>> So, the boys told you. You know, the boys, you know, say it. You know, even you see, my boyfriend, you know, I told the other one and the other one.

[00:39:20]>> Yeah. So, so how can you as as a parent, because even if even if parents say, "Don't do it, do it." You know, it's a thing. It's inevitable. You know, why? Because there's puberty that happens to girls.

[00:39:31]You know, they will start getting attraction to boys. Second, teenagers life, everyone is trying to find identity. You know, it's even it it's This is a thing that has been researched about by Erik Erikson. That between 12 years and 18, you are finding your identity. And you know, relationships is also another way of finding identity.

[00:39:49]Because you're doing it. Actually, when you're doing you are not doing it, you feel like I'm not part of some group. You're not following a trend. Yes. Everyone wants to be to belong somewhere. You know, a girl wants to belong somewhere, a boy wants to belong somewhere. That's why from the '90s, the relationships have been there and even if they fight them, they will never go there. But I think we have to reach a level and we learn to manage them. Yeah. You know, so which advice which which word can you give to a girl? which word can you give to a boy who is out there, and which word can you give to a parent? How to actually make sure they have the healthy one instead of the other toxic one? Uh generally, um truth be told, this before I give the advice, this is a general comment.

[00:40:32]Relationships that are below secondary real life are not relationships.

[00:40:40]To me, I won't say cuz of age and stuff, but that's when someone is trying to Should I say imitate what they've been hearing about, hearing about what they've been watching. They're just trying to imitate, you get? Um and I watch I watched Henry Danger.

[00:40:55]Henry used to date this, you get? So, let me also date you. That's what you're trying to imitate.

[00:41:00]But, um But, what about you know there's that really >> Yeah, um yes.

[00:41:06]You want You can't breathe because you have a crush, you know? Now, those are crushes. So, we're good you said it.

[00:41:11]Those are crushes. Those ones are below secondary like should I say crush? Even when it comes to secondary, the beginning part, crushes are still there.

[00:41:17]But, yeah. A relationship to come, firstly you have to have a crush. That's the truth. Mhm.

[00:41:22]Secondly, secondly I was talking to you just to be there.

[00:41:24]Then, um getting to know more about each other.

[00:41:28]That's when the bond grows to become a relation- a real relationship. Mhm. So, the word I actually the word I give to parents, um Parents, our parents are sharp. They know what happens.

[00:41:40]Truth be told, man.

[00:41:42]My fellow students know.

[00:41:44]Fellow students know that parents have been going through this.

[00:41:48]Basically on the fact that our teachers, teachers who are open to us in classrooms or in doing lessons, tell you that man, we know this happens.

[00:41:56]We have been there before. Now, some children in that age bracket are parents. That's when you get to know much. Also, my parent knows.

[00:42:03]>> [laughter] >> Right now, he may look like a fellow or something. He may look like man is analog. He can't understand. I'm sharper.

[00:42:08]But, truth be told, he knows what actually what's happening.

[00:42:12]You get? He knows he has been in that state before. They also used to escape and go for discos.

[00:42:16]>> [laughter] >> in their lives.

[00:42:19]Yeah. So, now they know what's happening. So, parents I tell you I highly urge I urge your parents, I mean like parents to guide students rather than beating them.

[00:42:32]Rather than um committing bad about them.

[00:42:37]And you don't even have great you they are dating what what.

[00:42:40]I I actually think that guiding the child telling them as parent, let me say mother to daughter, father to daughter, mother to son, father to son.

[00:42:51]They tell them and be like you know you're growing.

[00:42:54]You're growing this is going to happen.

[00:42:56]I know you're seeing beautiful girls there but there are many there are many won't get done. There are many in the world. You're going to look at a beautiful girl right now. You're going to see another beautiful girl after 2 weeks and you want to Exactly. They are everywhere. They are everywhere.

[00:43:09]So, guiding the child into actually on how to take that path.

[00:43:16]How to handle it. Guiding them mostly.

[00:43:19]Yeah. The other thing is counseling them. If a daughter or son comes to you or if we come to you and be like Mommy I have this happening. I am I've been into this. I've been with this boy but this has happened. He has done this to me.

[00:43:36]Counseling helps them not to look at the bad side of life. Committing suicide, cutting cutting themselves. Counseling also helps a lot.

[00:43:44]Truth be told, we fear to tell parents cuz we know man this guy is going to murder me.

[00:43:50]But trust me if parents actually comes first. If I actually generally ask parents to create the great talking bond between themselves and the children.

[00:44:01]Cuz if there's no that talking bond, they will never tell you anything.

[00:44:05]That's the truth. They will go and tell their teacher. They will and tell their uncle, they'll will and tell their maid, but they won't tell you as a mother or a father cuz they are not a talking board.

[00:44:13]So, I tell the aspirants to uh generate that talking board, to be free.

[00:44:19]To be free. Yes, your parents are demanding, and yes, they are right to demand cuz they put in a lot, they invest a lot. Demanding for results, demanding for uh good things from us, right? But away from the bonding part, I mean, the demanding part, create that time of interacting. Maybe something to add on that, you know? You know, to parents, every time you you talk about this relationship in the way that you are condemning the child, they'll go defensive.

[00:44:46]>> Exactly.

[00:44:47]>> as the adults, when someone tells you, "You shouldn't have put it on white stockings." You know, me, I [clears throat] would go defensive, you know? The the mind, the brain always defends itself when you come harshly. That's true.

[00:45:00]>> you are you are in a relationship, you don't even have good grades, they'll go defensive. That's true.

[00:45:05]>> but the best way to actually help students is is is bring something that attaches them to their emotions. You know, talk to them, give them their examples, your your own, you know? It's because >> because even if you say, "Leave it." You are not there in school. They >> They will still They are going to be there. Trust me, they will. Right now, even if parents condemn me, let me say a form six student. She's going to campus next year. You are not going to be there, and she will be in there and she will actually by that time she won't have that chance to get that guidance that you would have given them back then.

[00:45:35]You get? So, if right now you don't have that talking board between you and the child, trust me, it's going to be very hard for you to shape them up in a way you want.

[00:45:44]Whenever you condemn something, our child will be like, "Ah, let me see what will happen."

[00:45:49]Or don't I tell them don't leave boys leave boys at school? Actually, you realize in most cases students who get let me say impregnated and stuff, who fall into that a saga, Yeah. it's always about finding out Yeah, man, my parents are giving me a let me jump and go and see what happens.

[00:46:06]What happens there in clubs. But if you allow them, let me say, to go hang out with their friends, but regulate them. Go hang out, come back by this time. This is your curfew, you get?

[00:46:16]They'll be like, "Yeah man, my mom allows me to move out, but they give me a curfew regulation." So next time, when they want to do something or they want to tell you about something, they'll tell you cuz they know yeah, you support them in everything they do. Yeah.

[00:46:28]So to the to the girls, which things, you know, should they avoid? How could they manage the relationship, you know?

[00:46:35]No um >> [clears throat] [laughter] >> to to my sisters out there, um I feel like telling actually what I I I normally tell teenage my friends who come and talk to me about anything.

[00:46:50]It's um don't rush things.

[00:46:54]Uh yeah, peer pressure may be there.

[00:46:57]Uh the society may be demanding for you to get into a relationship.

[00:47:03]The [laughter] body may be actually hyping you. Your Instagramming, yes, you're posting on your actually your stories. People are hyping you, "Wow, you're cute." and stuff. You'll be like, "A man, let me get a hot guy."

[00:47:14]Some hot guys, by the way, some cool guys you want, they gave up. They gave up on Let me say gave up on seeing things the way you see them.

[00:47:24]A guy will be like, "Ice babe." was Actually, if you approach or if not Actually, if you show the guy that you want them more, you want you're unwanted. They won't use you and leave you there.

[00:47:33]Um then um the other thing is Don't After actually, don't rush things. The other thing is um try to try to try to understand why some things are happening.

[00:47:44]Try to understand why some things are happening in a relationship or away from the relationship. Try to understand why is it that when I'm with this guy, my grades are not, you know, my grades are not the way they were. They're not good. They are they don't going up.

[00:48:00]Try to understand that that yeah.

[00:48:02]I've been with this guy. I'm I always go after extension I go see this guy. After perhaps during free lessons I'll be with this guy.

[00:48:11]Try to understand that yes that has led to a downgrade of my what? My grade. My grade.

[00:48:16]Exactly. So Exactly. So now you have to after trying to understand regulate. Be like yeah.

[00:48:23]Man we've been seeing each other every after every lesson every after every break every break time every lunch time.

[00:48:29]Now let's chill. We see each other only on weekend. You understand? We talk to only us two.

[00:48:35]I'm coming. Yeah. So the other thing is actually after you trying to regulate Now build a relationship on that. Trust me if it's really it's really good and it's meant to happen it's going to happen.

[00:48:48]It's going to last.

[00:48:50]Cuz you know you guys are now mature.

[00:48:52]You regulating. You know when to do some things when to do some when when not to do some things.

[00:48:57]The other thing is um control This is now going to both but before I cross that side controlling ourselves in these relationships.

[00:49:05]Man in school you know the risks of lashing. In school you know that you know that the relationship there real risks. Some of you some of us think we're legends. Man they can never catch me. I have my sport what?

[00:49:18]But I think I was 40 days right?

[00:49:21]That last day that day you don't expect anything to happen is that day maybe the chaplain gets you.

[00:49:28]Yeah.

[00:49:29]Our school head teacher or any teacher who doesn't you know forgive gets you and happens to you. So controlling ourselves that's controlling our feelings. Yes they are controllable at some point. You feel like you want but talking to yourself actually I believe in prayer.

[00:49:44]Prayer helps a lot to control ourselves. So the effects of lashing school even outside school you're You're to lash your life if pregnant. You don't want to lose your steps to becoming a neurosurgeon, your path to becoming a pilot, to what, everything.

[00:49:59]You're going to become pregnant, they are going to condemn you at home. Your dad is going to lose everything they've been expecting in you, right?

[00:50:06]You're going to be talked about as that You're going to be an example at at at your homestead. When they see the other babe, she was cute, she had brains, but she got pregnant. Now where is she? You get You'll be that bad example people will be talking about. Yeah, [clears throat] so controlling ourselves helps a lot.

[00:50:22]Then um to the self-esteem part um my dear sisters let me tell you something um no one should demoralize you about the way you look, about the way you conduct yourself, about the way you do your things.

[00:50:36]If you feel like your self-esteem is low I'm just actually reminding you that you're wonderfully and perfectly made God's image. If someone tells you you're yes, they're telling God they are Just take that.

[00:50:50]If they tell you that, yeah, man, you're ugly.

[00:50:53]Oh, they're telling God it's okay.

[00:50:55]They're busy. They're committing a sin.

[00:50:56]That's enough. Just take it that way.

[00:50:58]Trust me, you'll never be let down.

[00:51:00]And plus know your weaknesses. Be you as you.

[00:51:05]You as you, know your weaknesses, and be like, man ah I know this and this is not right about me. If you know yourself and be like, yes I have a bad walking style.

[00:51:15]But I have some other good things to offer. Yeah, I have Listen, [laughter] I have a bad walking style.

[00:51:21]Even that boy tells you 100 times and it's like, man, you have a walk, you have a butt. You will never be affected cuz you know yourself. Yes, you look at me and be like, this Know yourself, accept know yourself, know what's bad about you, and take it the way it is cuz it can never be changed.

[00:51:36]Yeah, then to the boys um my guys, just [laughter] First of all, controlling ourselves, as I said.

[00:51:44]Lashes Lashes Lashes will never get done in the world. Trust me.

[00:51:48]Lashes lashes might never get done. It will always happen. You still want even though they even though you try to commit it like with someone every day at school.

[00:51:58]After school, you also want lashes, right? Controlling ourselves is key.

[00:52:03]Um then um another thing is try to let me say bring in father figures away from parents if parents are really not, you know.

[00:52:14]I mean that support you. Try to bring in father figures. Talk to let me say teachers who you think man this teacher is my boy. They always help to guide us in schools where we are.

[00:52:24]In life, they hope to they hope you to take the right path. Be like "Teacher you told your man teacher I have a crush on this girl. She is my dream but I don't know what to do." He will help you on how to handle it. Maybe he will change the sitting arrangements. Maybe he will do something. Anything. Or he can't even actually make you get used to that person so that you see them normally.

[00:52:45]Yes, so that's why I'm like have a father figure that side.

[00:52:48]Then um for the part of self-esteem we know you're hard. We know actually we are hard. Nothing can put us down as boys.

[00:52:58]Yeah? We take that in mind that we are hard. And I bet you guys you're not mugged. You're not mugged.

[00:53:03]You know you know yes I'm not mugged but ah And now if they tell you you're not mugged I let me tell you what to do.

[00:53:09]You're not mugged. Go for head boy. Go for a post. Become head boy. They will not say about you. Go for any court. Go to courts. Now some schools have courts. Go for court. You become a court official. You're not mugged but you're a court official. Yes. Read books. Beats let me say bad books and get points. You're not mugged but you have brains. You have points. Yes, I'm not mugged. I'm ugly but you have my points. I have 20 points. I'm an ambassador. You get? That will help you, you know, leave that self-esteem away.

[00:53:36]Yeah. Yeah, so generally generally for my fellow teenagers um controlling ourselves is key, but um that comes with prayer first. I believe in I actually believe prayer, whatever religion, but prayer helps a lot controlling ourselves. Brings us down.

[00:53:53]Makes you calm. And some of you may think these are just things for born again, for old people, but prayer they don't work. Trust me, they do work.

[00:54:02]>> [laughter] >> If you can pray to God for a good percentage or a good um outcome of your papers, it means God can help you do anything.

[00:54:10]So, if you can pray to God for results, you can also pray to God for self-control. That's real.

[00:54:15]Other thing is um let's try to talk to people that you trust.

[00:54:19]Not that this is this is away from friends. Talk to people that you trust, our father figures, our mother figures in our lives, so that we get best ideas, experience ideas from them, and learn how to handle our lifestyles. Yes. Okay.

[00:54:32]Yeah. Thank you very much. Maybe the closing statement from me is that very relationships are not automatically destructive, but they become destructive when the teenagers enter them without emotional maturity, It's true.

[00:54:44]boundaries, self-worth, and you know, guidance. Yeah. So, they can add additional support, confidence, social learning, or they can also take time. Yeah. And and you know, as you say you know, and they actually you know, look at it and see, "Okay, Mr. Harris, thank you very much." Thank you for hosting us.

[00:55:04]>> We hope it's going to to help these people so much. We wish you the best.