They Discarded You - You Dodged A Bullet! Dismissive Avoidant Discard When Things Got REAL!

Added: 2026-06-03

[00:00:00]If a dismissive avoidant has left or discarded you when things got real or starting to get real, then you will feel awful and very confused. But this video is for you and by the end of it, I'm sure that you'll feel a little bit better if not a lot better about the situation. So before I get into this video, I want to let you know I've got two spaces left for my one-to-one coaching for anybody who has been thinking about it. If you're interested, you can use the discount code May 25 until the end of the month or until those two spaces go. Okay, so when a dismissive avoidant suddenly says, "I can't do this anymore." or the relationship ends abruptly when you felt that you were in a committed place and things were moving forward, um it's really, really disorientating because you felt and you thought and you were in the mindset of going forward, of getting closer, and maybe there had been conversations about things deepening in the relationship.

[00:01:04]Maybe there was talk of moving in together, maybe there was talk of marriage, maybe there was talk of a holiday or meeting the family or any of those things that kind of deepen the connection and make it more serious. And then they start to act weird sometimes.

[00:01:20]They start to act a bit distant. They start to act cold. They're not replying to you as much. They're just different in their behavior and this is often because their defenses have come up even if they can't name it themselves. They start to feel frightened of something, right? And to you, it is like, "What's going on? Weren't we okay? Are you okay?" And if you try to talk to them about it, then they don't want to talk about it because they're dismissive and they dismiss things. They'd rather just be having fun and everything to be nice and easy and happy, but actually you want to address the clear problem in the relationship which is the communication is different, they are being different, or maybe they're being moody, or whatever. I just want to say, if they left when things were getting real, you have dodged a bullet.

[00:02:12]Because imagine if things had got real.

[00:02:15]Do you know how difficult it is to live with a dismissive avoidant?

[00:02:21]Everything revolves around their nervous system. You are tiptoeing constantly around them. You don't know if you're going to have a good day or a bad day.

[00:02:30]All of the things that actually they were trying to hide from you about their coping mechanisms, you see them very clearly. And honestly, it is very, very hard to know what to do with a lot of the dismissive avoidance coping strategies. And life becomes ex- extremely stressful.

[00:02:50]So, you've dodged a bullet, right? And you might be thinking, "I didn't dodge the bullet. The bullet got me. I am down. I am not right. I am wounded. I don't know if I'll ever recover." I also know that that feels very, very, very true when you've been with a dismissive avoidant and it's been hot and cold.

[00:03:12]It's incredibly stressful.

[00:03:15]Because you just don't know if you're coming or going. And you go into a survival response. Your attachment system is all over the place cuz you're deeply bonded to somebody. And then they're they're one minute and then not the next minute. They're saying they're going to do one thing and then doing another thing. And it is really, really, really, really stressful, okay? So, your nervous system is going to be all out of whack. But listen, now you can heal. Now you get to claim your nervous system back. Now you can grow. Now you can create a life that is not so stressful anymore.

[00:03:51]And actually, I know that part of you was waiting for the version of them that wasn't stressful, but actually, trust me, living with a dismissive avoidant who doesn't want to work on themselves is incredibly stressful. So, that version of them might never have come, and you could could be waiting or could have been waiting for a really, really, really long time for them to get it, to understand what you're asking from them.

[00:04:15]And it's really basic, bare minimum respect in a relationship is what you wanted, right?

[00:04:21]You know, text text you back, say happy birthday, you know, do the the bare minimum things that you do for someone that you like.

[00:04:32]Yeah?

[00:04:33]It's not much that you were asking. You were not asking for too much. And the problem is with these discards like this is it it really does feel like it doesn't feel complete. And the reason why it doesn't feel complete and why you ruminate on it for so long, for ages and ages and ages, is because you're still in survival, so you're still, you know, recovering from a loss, like a loss that was a deep bond. Yeah, that's one thing, the grief of it.

[00:05:03]But then also, they can't complete things. They cannot complete things cuz it means facing their own feelings. And as I say to many, many people, if they're dis- dismissing your feelings, they are dismissing their own feelings. And in order for them to complete something with you, they have to sit with their own feelings, which they don't want to do.

[00:05:26]So, that might never happen. You might never get that completion with them.

[00:05:30]They can acknowledge it, but then do nothing about it.

[00:05:33]You know? So, they can say lots of nice words. Oh, dismissive avoidants are very, very good at nice words, honestly.

[00:05:40]They'll pull you in with their nice words and sweet nothings. Honestly, you can't rely on a dismissive avoidant's words. You have to see action actually taking place and they are very confusing. I was having a conversation about this to someone earlier and to many people actually this experience is so common with dismissive um they're very very good at doing practical things at showing up in practical ways but when it comes to like talking about emotions and repairing conflict and stuff they can't do that. So they'll they won't be able to give you that safety that you're wanting emotionally in the relationship but it's very confusing because lots of things about being with them are nice.

[00:06:25]Yeah, you can go on the holidays. My family used to honestly say to me look, if you're going to stay with this person, you will have nice holidays. You will um have take nice photos.

[00:06:38]You will um you know, have nice days out, have a nice meal here and there. Um watch a few Netflix series with them but you will not be able to get the emotional support and care and comfort and safety that you will get from friends, family and people who actually genuinely care about your internal world. If you want that in a relationship, don't stay with that person, okay? So if somebody is a dismissive avoidant and they have left you have dodged a bullet because that was going to be a surface level relationship that never overcame the problems that would have deepened it and you would have always been starving.

[00:07:21]Okay? So if they've discarded you good.

[00:07:26]That now they can honestly set you free to go and create the life that you want and to actually be away from someone who stresses you out and makes you anxious so that you can actually heal your nervous system and calm down and realize how stressed you've actually been. Okay?

[00:07:44]Just thought I'd do this pep talk. Lots of people need to hear it.

[00:07:48]Uh especially if you've just been discarded.

[00:07:50]Um it's awful. It's horrible. And you will go back and forth and you know, your brain will will think of all the reasons why you should still be together.

[00:08:01]Remember to write down the list. I did a video about this the other day. Just write down the list of all the things that happened so that you can refer to it on the days where your heart hasn't caught up with your brain yet.

[00:08:15]Cuz that will definitely happen.

[00:08:17]Anyway, I hope you found this video useful. If you'd like to work with me, you'd like to do one-to-one, use a discount code at the moment May 25. That will work until the end of the month or until the last two spaces go. If you've got any questions, just let me know. If you'd like to come to the living room, the living room is very very good. I have to say.

[00:08:36]And I hope it can continues for a really long time because it's such a nice space where people come to talk about whatever is coming up, meet other people. You don't feel alone anymore. It's really nice. So, that's on Wednesdays at 1:00.

[00:08:49]If you've got any questions, just let me know and I'll see you in the next video.

[00:08:53]Bye.