How to Love the Unlovable

Added: 2026-05-14

[00:00:00]What is the worst thing that's been done to you? The ugliest thing that's been said to you? Because I know some of you watching this have been cut really deeply. Not just by strangers or co-workers or whatever, but by friends, by family, by people you were really close to who hurt you. That's what I want to talk about today. Jesus' advice for how to heal and how to love the unlovable. Just to share a little background with you, I have struggled to love the unlovable in the past because I went through something really hairy and nasty that I don't like to talk about, but I feel that when I do talk about it, it helps other people, so I want to share it with you. 15 years ago, I was disfellowshipped from my church. After my divorce, the leadership made the decision that they didn't think I had the right to date again.

[00:00:52]I disagreed, and they disfellowshipped me. That's when they get up in front of the church, they make this announcement that the certain church member has been cut off. You can't eat with them, keep company with them, do business with them.

[00:01:04]That's what happened to me. Now, granted, it was super embarrassing, and I carried a lot of shame after they made that announcement, but the announcement wasn't the worst part. The worst part was what the church members did to me.

[00:01:19]And not the church members that I barely knew, those ones didn't really hurt me.

[00:01:23]It was the people I'd gotten close to who hurt me the most. There was one mom in our church that our kids were really good friends. We had sleepovers at each other's houses and went out to eat together all the time, and she was one of my dearest friends.

[00:01:41]And she stopped speaking to me and cut me off, and when I passed her in the hallway when I was volunteering at my son's elementary school, and I said hi to her, she would scowl at me and turn and look the other way like I didn't exist, like I was some kind of leper.

[00:01:58]And it hurt. It cut me so deeply and I was so embarrassed and ashamed. I had another friend who said, "Well, I will keep eating with you. We can have lunch together, but only if it's in the privacy and secrecy of my own home because I can't be seen in public with you." Okay, I can laugh about it now because it's been 15 years.

[00:02:22]But, those were hurtful things. And I had bitterness take root inside of me and I started resenting those people and I had a hard time for years letting go of those grudges and learning how to forgive them and love them again. That was a me problem, not a them problem.

[00:02:42]Like I said, that was 15 years ago. And now, way far on the other side of it, I'm actually really grateful for all of the nastiness that was done to me. I know that sounds crazy, but I am. I'm being honest because going through all of that church hurt and working through those emotions and coming out on the other side of it equipped me to be able to help others with church hurt and to use the ugly things I've been through for good. Maybe you have some unlovable people in your life you're battling right now. Maybe it's that family member who turned everything into a giant fight after your mother passed away and everybody's fighting back and forth about inheritance now and it has divided the entire family. Maybe it's that member of your family who has criticized everything about you your entire life.

[00:03:36]Maybe it's your ex-spouse who cheated on you, the person you loved more than anything who you put all your faith and trust into. Maybe it's a co-worker who has betrayed you and gone behind your back and tried to get the upper hand with the boss. It's people who lied to you, people who bullied you in middle school. The unlovable are all around us. We can't escape it as long as we're here in this world, but Jesus does give us three helpful ways to deal with these folks and get past it and find healing and freedom when we can finally release it.

[00:04:14]Here it comes, right off the bat. The first thing Jesus tells us to do is to forgive them. Matthew 6:14, "For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly father will also forgive you."

[00:04:29]That's a really big deal. If you forgive others their trespasses, then your heavenly father will forgive you.

[00:04:36]Those are really high stakes. We have to forgive others because we have been forgiven of so much. How [snorts] do you forgive though? What are some practical steps you can use to try to forgive? I'm going to give you guys some of my own personal tips. Number one, I think you have to pray for that enemy, that person, every single day. Luke 6:28 says to pray for those who mistreat you.

[00:05:03]Paul says in Romans 12:14 to bless those who persecute you. Paul, this is Paul saying this, the guy who was regularly beaten and thrown in prison for the cause of Christ. You have to pray for your enemy. That is step number one to forgiving them.

[00:05:23]On my war room prayer list, I have a list of my enemies I pray for every single morning. Number two, I think it helps to make a list of the positive traits about that person.

[00:05:36]>> [gasps] >> It sounds elementary, it sounds silly, I know, but if you can sit down and really brainstorm all of their good qualities and really dwell on it and think about every single little thing. I mean, every single little thing. They do have positive qualities that you can focus on and it will help you to humanize them and not just see them as a problem, but see them as a person. Number three, you can try the total process total truth process letter. I discovered this when I was researching Jack Canfield and he has this total truth process letter that you can download and it helps you write a letter to the person and work through all of your emotions. I was angry when you did this. It hurt me when you did this. I feel sorry that this happened. I understand that you did this. It works you through all of the emotions from your bitterness and your resentment all the way to a place of loving and healing and forgiving that person. Have you guys read the book The Hiding Place?

[00:06:37]I just discovered this book this year and it really transformed my life. If you're not a reader, you can get it on Audible and listen to it. It's the story of the Ten Boom family. They were Protestant family who smuggled Jews to safety during the Holocaust. They saved hundreds of people, but someone ratted them out and their entire family was hauled away to concentration camps.

[00:07:02]Corrie Ten Boom was the lone survivor in her family, the only one who made it out. And after she made it out, she decided she was going to, number one, build this rehabilitation center for people who had been through this to help move them back into regular everyday life and to help them facilitate forgiveness for the people who had hurt them. And then she So, she was speaking at churches, she was writing books, doing all these things. And she was speaking at a church one night and this guy came up to her after the services and she recognized him.

[00:07:34]He was a Nazi officer in her concentration camp, the very guy who had mocked and belittled she and her sister just days before her sister passed away.

[00:07:46]And he came to her and he said, "I enjoyed your talk so much. I found Jesus and I want to ask for your forgiveness."

[00:07:57]She'd been talking to all these other people about forgiveness and trying to help other people, but when she was confronted with it, she said he extended his hand and she just looked at it and she didn't know if she could do it.

[00:08:10]So, she prayed. She prayed that God would intercede and give her the strength to forgive this man. And as she took his hand, she said she felt the charge go down her arm. She not only forgave him, but she was filled with love for him. When you're having a hard time forgiving someone, you can always ask God. Be real and honest and vulnerable with him and ask him to help you forgive that person. The second thing Jesus tells us to do is to love them. And I've got to say, if you've already done those first three steps in the point under forgiveness and you've already forgiven them, you're on your way to loving them. Matthew 5:44, Jesus says, "But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you."

[00:09:01]For me, it's easier to love someone if I can literally picture myself in their shoes. And I do this a lot of times when I'm praying for my enemies.

[00:09:11]I picture being in their body and getting up out of bed in the morning and when my feet hit the floor and what is that person thinking about? What are their concerns? What is their past like?

[00:09:24]What have they been through that might be causing them to act the way they're acting toward you? Because we all know hurt people hurt people.

[00:09:35]If someone's hurting you, it's likely that someone has them in the past. I try to think about their worries, their insecurities, the things that might be bothering them. I do this so that I will know how to pray for them and how to empathize with them, but it also, once again, brings their humanity to the foreground and makes me see they're just people. They're just sinners, just like you and me, and they need forgiveness, and they need for blessings prayed over their lives. They need your love and your forgiveness, just like you need your father's love and your father's forgiveness. So, first, Jesus says to forgive them. Then, he says to love them. The third thing is he says to bless them. Matthew 7:12. So, whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the law and the prophets.

[00:10:33]Now that you have forgiven that person and chosen to love them and done these steps to find empathy, to put yourself in their shoes, to recognize that they need your forgiveness just like you need God's forgiveness, it's time to try to find ways to bless them. And actually, it might be pretty easy once you've already put yourself in their shoes and you've loved them and forgiven them because you can start thinking of things you can do, ways that you can make their lives easier or happier, serving them, giving them something. Why would you want to serve and bless someone who has hurt you?

[00:11:12]Because number one, God tells us to.

[00:11:15]But number two, it makes you feel good. It facilitates all of those other things you're trying to do. It cleans up your insides and it fills your heart with love when you're blessing and serving others. When Jesus hung on the cross, there were people mocking him and beating him, and this was his response. In Luke 23:34, he said, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."

[00:11:43]He was not only forgiving those who were crucifying him, which by the way includes you and me, but he was blessing them by the very act of hanging on that cross. That crucifixion was a blessing for those who were cursing him to make a bridge for salvation, to deliver them from their own sins.

[00:12:07]We're supposed to emanate Christ. We're supposed to bless those who curse us and look for ways to serve them even when they are being the worst.

[00:12:18]Have you guys followed any of the trends with neuroscience right now?

[00:12:23]Neuroscience is a big thing. Everybody's talking about it because there are these neuroscience people who have come up with all of these revolutionary epiphanies about the human mind and how to have the best life, the one filled with the most peace.

[00:12:41]And [clears throat] these are the things they've come up with.

[00:12:44]It gives you total clarity and peace of mind and heals the human brain when you can number one forget your past.

[00:12:54]Replace those thoughts, those same feelings that you're firing over and over again in your brain when you remember the past. Number two, forgive others and release it and don't hold a grudge. And number three, spend every day walking in love. That's this huge epiphany, this revolution, and all these people are latching onto it and talking about it and going to these conventions about it like this is something new.

[00:13:21]This is something that the Bible has told us from the very beginning.

[00:13:26]Forgetting your past in Philippians 3:13, Paul talks about focusing on spiritual growth and leaving the past behind including his failures and his successes and looking to what is before.

[00:13:40]Forgiveness, Colossians 3:13, Paul says bearing with one another and if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other. As the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

[00:13:56]And then of course, walk in love. Again, this is something we're taught over and over again in scripture. Ephesians 5:1 and 2 says, "Therefore, be imitators of God as beloved children and walk in love as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and a sacrifice to God." If you need healing today and a path to love the unlovable, follow these three simple steps. And when someone cuts you off in traffic and does 10 miles under the speed limit right in front of you or when that family member continues to criticize every decision you make about your life or when the boss does something really unfair to you or when that church member slights you, remember what Jesus says, "Forgive them, love them, bless them and watch how it heals you and watch how you thrive." I want to leave you guys with this quote.

[00:14:58]Nelson Mandela said, "Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

[00:15:06]My name is Courtney Daley. I am a Christian author and speaker. My book God's Stories just released in September. I hope you will join me here every week where we dive deep into the scriptures and we share God's stories and lift each other up. See you next time.