Confession Gone Wrong - Priest vs Puberty

[00:00:05]Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

[00:00:07]This is my first confession.

[00:00:09]>> Really? First time?

[00:00:10]>> Yep. You get to pop my cherry.

[00:00:12]>> Oh. Oh. Oh, don't say that.

[00:00:14]>> Oh, okay. Sorry about that.

[00:00:16]>> How many are in the confessional with you right now?

[00:00:19]>> Just me. My voice is doing things.

[00:00:21]>> I see. Well, how old are you?

[00:00:23]>> 13. Right in the middle of puberty.

[00:00:25]>> Oh, okay. Well, I remember that. Well, so so what sins do you have to confess?

[00:00:29]Uh, >> none.

[00:00:31]>> Really? No. No sins your entire life?

[00:00:33]>> No. I'm only 13, father. I mean, what do you think I've been doing?

[00:00:36]>> Been running a cartel?

[00:00:37]>> Well, no. But stealing and murdering aren't the only ways to sin.

[00:00:40]>> I've been good, father. Honestly.

[00:00:42]>> Uh-uh. Right in the middle of puberty.

[00:00:44]>> Yep. So, uh, can I can I go now?

[00:00:47]>> No. You can't just come in here, say you've been good, and then leave. I mean, that's not how confession works.

[00:00:52]>> I honestly can't think of anything.

[00:00:54]>> Well, look, you're 13. I mean, if you're having impure thoughts and maybe engaging in impure acts, it's okay. I mean, you don't have to worry. We've all been there. We're all guilty of that.

[00:01:04]>> You're not doing that right now, are you, father?

[00:01:07]>> No, of course not. You know what? And suggesting that I might be is called slander, and that's a sin.

[00:01:12]>> It's just so dark and creepy in here.

[00:01:14]And what's with this screen?

[00:01:15]>> It protects anonymity.

[00:01:16]>> Mine are yours.

[00:01:18]>> Okay. You know what? Why don't we maybe just come back to this later?

[00:01:21]>> Yeah, that's probably the safest bet.

[00:01:23]>> Yeah. Okay. I have an idea. Let's go through the Ten Commandments. That's like a good place to start.

[00:01:27]>> Sounds like a plan.

[00:01:29]>> Okay, fine. So, um, do you worship any other gods?

[00:01:32]>> Um, does Thor count?

[00:01:35]>> Is Thor a god?

[00:01:36]>> Well, he's Asgardian, which is basically a god, but not like a god god. More of a powerful alien with a magic hammer, except sometimes he is a god. It's complicated. It really depends on who's writing him.

[00:01:48]>> Yeah, but you don't worship him.

[00:01:50]>> I have posters.

[00:01:51]>> Do Do you pray to him?

[00:01:52]>> No.

[00:01:52]>> Good. A prayer doesn't work anyway.

[00:01:55]>> Well, I mean, it doesn't if you pray to the false gods.

[00:01:57]>> Yeah, >> sure.

[00:01:59]>> You don't believe in the power of prayer?

[00:02:00]>> All I'll say is Jesus and Thor have about the same batting average at this point.

[00:02:04]>> Okay. Well, you see, that's called blasphemy. You know, it's not a good idea to like keep sinning during the confession.

[00:02:11]>> Oh, sorry.

[00:02:12]>> Because like we'll be here all day. You understand?

[00:02:14]>> Gotcha.

[00:02:16]>> Where were we?

[00:02:16]>> Thor. We're done with Thor. Okay. Uh, Graven Images. You're not worshiping idols, are you? Uh, >> you worship idols.

[00:02:24]>> I thought that was part of being Catholic.

[00:02:26]>> It's absolutely not.

[00:02:27]>> Really? Then what's all this stuff?

[00:02:29]>> What stuff?

[00:02:29]>> There's a Jesus the size of a Buick over the altar.

[00:02:32]>> But that's a crucifix. It's not an idol.

[00:02:34]>> What about all the other statues of random dudes?

[00:02:37]>> Those are just statues of saints.

[00:02:39]>> So, what's the difference?

[00:02:40]>> Well, we don't worship them.

[00:02:41]>> But there are candles and many altars in front of them. I I see old ladies praying there all the time.

[00:02:46]>> Yeah. Yeah. But they're not praying to them like they're gods.

[00:02:49]>> They're not.

[00:02:49]>> No. They're asking the saint to pray for them. Look, look, it's a little complicated, but like if a miracle happens after you pray to a saint, it's it's like God's way of confirming that the saint is legitimate, you know.

[00:03:02]>> So, saints got serious connections up there.

[00:03:05]>> Well, you know, basically, yeah.

[00:03:06]>> So, praying to a saint is a like a good way to cut the line.

[00:03:10]>> No, no, it's not cutting the line. Okay.

[00:03:12]It It's more like um using a lawyer as a good relationship with the judge.

[00:03:17]>> So, it's a racket.

[00:03:18]>> Okay. You know what? But let's just move on.

[00:03:20]>> Okay.

[00:03:21]>> So, where are we? Uh, no other gods. Uh, graven images.

[00:03:24]>> Keep holy the Sabbath, >> right? Very good. Uh, you're going to church every Sunday.

[00:03:29]>> Is that the Sabbath?

[00:03:30]>> Yes.

[00:03:30]>> My Jewish friend says Sabbath starts on Friday and continues until Saturday night.

[00:03:36]>> Well, you know, it's different for Jews.

[00:03:38]>> Oh, they get first dibs on God, do they?

[00:03:40]>> No. No.

[00:03:40]>> Well, I mean, they knew God first, right?

[00:03:43]>> Look, do you do you go to church on Sundays?

[00:03:45]>> Yes, sir. I get slapped in the head.

[00:03:47]>> Fine. Next. Are you honoring your mother and father?

[00:03:49]>> Well, not when they slap me in the head.

[00:03:51]Isn't there a commandment about that?

[00:03:53]>> Well, not in the top 10. No.

[00:03:56]>> So, it's not a sin to hit your child.

[00:03:58]>> Well, I didn't say that. That disciplining your children is important, but you know, it has to be within reason.

[00:04:03]>> A slap in the head is within reason.

[00:04:05]>> Well, it can be.

[00:04:06]>> Really?

[00:04:06]>> Well, depending on the circumstance.

[00:04:08]>> Not wanting to go to church.

[00:04:10]>> Well, it's a grave sinus church, you know, a mortal sin. So, it's acceptable if it prevents you from being stubborn and committing a mortal sin. So, as long as they don't what? Kill a stubborn child, it's okay.

[00:04:22]>> Uh, yeah. Let's just say that then.

[00:04:24]>> You just hesitated.

[00:04:26]>> Well, I mean, you obviously read Deuteronomy where it tells parents to take their rebellious and stubborn son to a public square and then stone him to death.

[00:04:34]>> Holy crap. No, I didn't.

[00:04:35]>> Oh, well, you know, never mind that.

[00:04:37]>> What the hell? What do What do you mean never mind? That's in the Bible? What kind of crazy religion did my parents sign me up for?

[00:04:44]>> I don't worry about it, though. Those laws no longer apply.

[00:04:48]>> Laws? They're laws.

[00:04:49]>> Uh, you really don't have to worry about it.

[00:04:52]Okay.

[00:04:53]>> Jesus Christ. Father, >> don't take the Lord's name in vain.

[00:04:56]That's another sin.

[00:04:58]>> That's a sin. But murdering your child is the law.

[00:05:01]>> Well, not anymore. Okay. Moving on. You haven't murdered anyone, right?

[00:05:06]>> No.

[00:05:07]>> Good.

[00:05:07]>> I'm too young to have kids.

[00:05:10]>> Do you steal?

[00:05:11]>> No. But you you skipped the one about adultery, didn't you? Well, I assume that one doesn't apply yet.

[00:05:16]>> I'm in the middle of puberty. You don't ask me about sex, but you ask me about murder.

[00:05:20]>> Fine. Have you committed adultery?

[00:05:22]>> No.

[00:05:23]>> Good.

[00:05:23]>> I thought about it, though. My teacher, Mrs. Margaret.

[00:05:26]>> Oh, well, that is a sin.

[00:05:27]>> You're kidding me. I'm 13. Do you have any idea what uncontrolled thoughts pop into my head?

[00:05:33]>> Well, I mean, that's why there's confession.

[00:05:34]>> I'd have to be in confession all day.

[00:05:36]>> Well, you know, at this rate, we probably will be.

[00:05:39]>> If we're going to count thoughts as sins, I'm really screwed. Uh, look, impure thoughts are >> unavoidable at my age. Why'd God give me a body full of raging hormones if he didn't want me to think about sex? How's that my fault?

[00:05:53]>> It's part of becoming an adult. Okay, you have to learn constraint.

[00:05:56]>> But don't I have to think about sex first in order to constrain it?

[00:06:00]>> Well, the system's rigged. Isn't thinking about sex healthy at my age? I mean, wouldn't there be something wrong with me if I wasn't thinking about sex?

[00:06:09]>> Yeah. Yeah. But but but it's part of a lifelong process of spiritual maintenance.

[00:06:13]>> So it's just it's good for repeat business.

[00:06:16]>> Oh. Oh, okay. You know, okay. Lying, slander, blasphemy, taking the Lord's name in vain, sexual temptation. Well, you didn't really act on it.

[00:06:25]>> Well, I did, but yeah, she wasn't present.

[00:06:28]>> Okay. Well, that is a sin. And then we'll just add coveting because you can't really be an American without coveting. So, that's one, two, three.

[00:06:36]That's seven sins.

[00:06:37]>> Great. So, I'm going to hell. No, you're not going to hell. You You'll be absolved of your sins as long as you, you know, say you're sorry and do your penance.

[00:06:44]>> Okay. So, what do I have to do? Wash your car or something?

[00:06:47]>> Um, well, no. Five Hail Marys, five our fathers. That should cover it.

[00:06:52]>> What?

[00:06:52]>> Well, that's your penance.

[00:06:53]>> I just say a few prayers and I'm good to go.

[00:06:56]>> Yeah, but but it only lasts for a week, so I'll see you next Saturday.

[00:07:00]>> It is a racket.

[00:07:01]>> Okay. You know what? Get the hell out of here, kid.