Women get obsessed with chaotic men & respect men who make them feel not good enough in relationship

[00:00:00]Why women get obsessed with chaotic men and respect men who even make them feel like they are not good enough? And why does it even feel like it works mostly on women, especially when you are dating them? Now, this is just a season.

[00:00:22]Maybe it will end anytime soon. So right now as millennials and Jesus, our parents who raised us were born from age 1946 to 1980.

[00:00:38]And most of the time we were raised by our mothers as our dads were working and only showing up on weekends to have fun with us. And it was overwhelming for our mothers to just take care of us and handle the cause in the household. Most of our mothers were even stressed and maybe let us call it depressed.

[00:01:02]But mostly they just sweep things under the rug and moved on with the marriage. As millennials and Jesus who have said that we pick up the rug and talk about things. women getting obsessed with men who have chaotic personalities. So almost most of us right now who are in relationships or even in marriages in our past we had an unpredictable experience with our parents and we tended to lean on our attachment survival need. She was acting either the avoidant or the anxious. And maybe it's same to you if you are a millennial or a ginzy.

[00:01:48]And she wasn't her authentic self. She couldn't cry, yell, shout. She couldn't express her fears or even get angry. She will be dismissed, ignored. even she will be called off and most of the time she could be punished for that and now she tended to lean on the attachment side and not and not her authenticity.

[00:02:14]Her authenticity is her gut feeling. I feel like something is off and my mom is not around and now she ends up crying, right?

[00:02:27]Only to receive a backlash or maybe her mother or her dad was stressed and they could yell and shout, "Stop crying." And that is when they turned on the anxious switch or the avoidance switch. And both of us had the same experience in our past, right? And now, right now, in this very moment, what we are leaning on when dating and in marriages is on our attachment style and not our authenticity. Our authenticity is our gut feeling. In our past, most of our grandparents relied on their gut feeling. There wasn't any pros and cons to survive a war. And those parents who could feel fear, danger, threat to just decide to walk away, they survived. And that is your now natural authenticity, your unfiltered self.

[00:03:30]Every single time when there is an argument or a disagreement in that marriage or in that relationship as an adult you tend to lean more on the attachment and not on your authenticity.

[00:03:44]Roll back. Women get obsessed with men who have chaotic personalities because this is what feels familiar to the brain and this is who she is. It is her nervous system. She was raised with a loud chaotic environment that was unpredictable and this feels so familiar to her. No matter what you say who you are, she will lean towards attachment that is her attachment and not her authentic self.

[00:04:22]That is why it can be fun, exciting and you feel like maybe you are connecting. There is so much chemistry.

[00:04:33]You are experiencing each other on a personal level. It feels raw unfiltered and deep but it doesn't always last.

[00:04:41]Why? You can't use what hurt you to build a relationship.

[00:04:48]She just is attracted to the other self, highly aroused by your vibe, presence, energy.

[00:04:58]Yet, this cannot sustain a long-term relationship. That is why women even end up sleeping with these men and attaining them around just to satisfy the attachment feeling. Yet, they won't date them long term. In the long term she will choose peace and this is her other self.

[00:05:20]Women are energy receivers. When you are interacting with them she is screening or scanning for familiarity. And this is all happening subconsciously.

[00:05:29]This is how she was raised and your energy dictates or expresses that familiarity in her DNA and she feels like she's safe.

[00:05:44]And at some point maybe you will be obsessed with with each other and you think you p her so good and the relationship is is exciting. She is the savior and maybe you are the anxious and she is also the anxious one and it feels raw deep and you tell yourself now I have actually found someone who can love me deep express her feelings and emotions unfiltered at least who is the different one but it won't last why at some point there will be this moment when you will be busy at work too engaged. You couldn't even update her and now she is expecting your call, your text message or your reply.

[00:06:39]It took you 5 hours to reply to her text message.

[00:06:43]In reality, she misinterpreted and scan your text message as not that interested. You are just playing a mind game.

[00:06:54]And when both of you are overwhelmed with work, you tend to scan each other's traits, behaviors, and characters to just find faults because it's the only way you can adapt to your own attachment styles.

[00:07:11]And now this is you guys using what hurt you in the past to build a stable relationship or marriage and she ends up even getting obsessed to your identity and this becomes the idealized version of the guy she will want to date. In reality, she is just leaning on her attachment style and you think you have the best game and maybe you tricked her biology. At some point, you did actually and the game actually worked. But at some point, it stops working. Now she faces her nervous system and her past that she misinterpreted it with love, care, predictability.

[00:08:03]Right now in this very moment both of you are just chasing after connection at the same time reassurance.

[00:08:16]It's all mental and emotional and one of you at the same times wants to feel like they are chasing and when at some point it's unpredictable.

[00:08:31]She misinterprets it with you are playing a mind game or maybe you might even misinterpret it with her. In reality, you just attracted each other's nervous system. That is what felt familiar. And you just concluded that I am attracted to her baby face. I am attracted to her energy, to her vibe. It feels real, genuine, raw, exciting.

[00:08:58]It's a bubbly conversation.

[00:09:01]and you guys are having fun.

[00:09:04]And this doesn't even build a long-term relationship. It's just an exciting moment that they are experiencing. At some point, it will all come down crashing.

[00:09:15]And this is us just attracted to our attachment styles because it feels familiar to us. And you think you are just highly aroused by her vibe, by her posture, by her body, by her face and the more touch you crave. In reality, there is so much chemistry.

[00:09:37]It feels raw. You feel aroused by her presence because you attract who you are.

[00:09:46]This is your past. You can't use what hurt you to build a relationship. This is what feels familiar. This is the caregiver who raised you. This is your dad who raised you. This is your mom who raised you. And your brain is interpreting every single energy and concluding it with or justifying it with, oh, this is the safe one, the unique one, the different one.

[00:10:15]and now she just managed to turn on the anxious switch or the avoidant switch.

[00:10:22]But you can't use your past to build a relationship. The more you lean on the attachment style that is maybe you're more anxious and she's also more anxious, the more everything crumbles [clears throat] the quickest. It all come down crashing the quickest. It's not real. It's all illusional.

[00:10:42]Now roll back. Let us say you've finally found each other, the avoidant and the anxious. At first it will feel real genuine raw because now everyone is in their best behavior. There is peace and you feel like this is the right one who can give you peace. In reality, you have the same experience in your past and both of your fears, your anger, your sadness was either ignored and most of your parents showed up unpredictable. You couldn't tell which parent you will meet or you receive, you will get in the next 30 minutes. And maybe on her side, she numbed her emotions or feelings and tried to avoid.

[00:11:33]so that she can most of the time perform to be exerted and she leaned on the attachment on your side. You also used to perform. You are the anxious guy. You had to show up more excited, more fun, pleasing, laughing, trying to be in your best behavior to be accepted. That was your attachment style. When you meet, it feels raw, real is chemistry and you found each other. That is why I often tell you gentlemen, the first six months of dating is not enough for you to finally decide that let us now have kids or let us now do a wedding or let us now finally start a marriage. Get to know each other on a personal level. Even though you decide to move on to move in, even though you decide to move in with that lady, you haven't fully decided. You're just getting to know each other on a personal level to understand her fears, your fears, her triggers, your triggers.

[00:12:32]And what you assume to be peace is because both of you had almost the same experience when you were raised by your parents.

[00:12:41]Roll back.

[00:12:44]This is what will exactly happen in your marriages or in your relationships and it will feel exhausted, overwhelming and you feel like she just need to quit.

[00:12:57]She will show up in the evening from work. She is over exhausted or maybe overwhelmed but she will complain.

[00:13:07]Oh, we have new rules, new manager.

[00:13:11]I've been overwork. Christmas say this to me. It's just overwhelming.

[00:13:18]I think I should just quit.

[00:13:24]And you go ahead to give her a stepbystep logical advice on how to handle what is frustrating her or disappointing her. Isaac, you are just adding gas on fire right now. When she is complaining, frustrated, and she's loud, she's telling you that my energy is right now zero out of 100.

[00:13:53]And my mind or mental state is fried. I can't think and reason. And you giving me a logical stepbystep advice on what I complain about just adds gas on fire. This is you pushing me back to the energy that is already gone. Zero out of 100. And this is you pushing me to listen to your logical advice and maybe solve what is frustrating me. She doesn't know that she just needs you to calm her ass down. The first thing to do at this very moment is responding by saying, "Oh, I see."

[00:14:42]M see right now you are training your nervous system to stay calm when [clears throat] there is a storm. At the same time you are not giving her a suggestion or your logical observations or advices to her frustrations and you're not pushing her back to what is already draining her.

[00:15:05]See, when you push her back, adding gas on fire, this is you worsening the situation.

[00:15:14]She's telling you, "Right now, I am overwhelmed and exhausted. The house is on fire. I need some water." See, when you say, "Oh, I see."

[00:15:26]Interesting.

[00:15:29]Are you even listening? I am.

[00:15:33]I need pizza. See, pizza is you helping her to get some energy.

[00:15:44]At the same time, you are smoothly directing the whole interaction into a different interaction that is not deep. When you talk about what is trending on social media, this is something that doesn't need reasoning.

[00:16:00]Now this is what most of the time contradicts men and women and gentlemen in your marriages and relationships. Let us say you are dating the avoidant lady right now. The person who is complaining in this very moment she is the anxious lady.

[00:16:17]Okay.

[00:16:19]Even though she might be even the avoidant right now she is more anxious or maybe more nervous.

[00:16:28]The person who is or the lady who is complaining right now trying to test your leadership and your emotional stability. If you have an emotional backbone to lean on, she is the anxious right now complaining and her battery is off again. Her battery is off and she is overwhelmed.

[00:16:48]That is why she is complaining. She doesn't need your logical advices because you will go ahead to tell yourself, "Oh, I think my explanations or advices, they're just bad." And you go ahead to tell yourself and convince yourself that I think my plan is just a bad plan.

[00:17:17]It just can't work. That is what she is telling me.

[00:17:22]And now this is you tapping into a leadership face. At the same time, you feel like you're not even good enough to lead. You can't advise her in the perfect way possible. And now this is you tapping into your fears. And suddenly now it just consumes you. You can't even lead and make clear decisions. My plans are always bad when she is complaining.

[00:17:48]and you feel like you're not even good enough to date her. And these are your fears being triggered the moment you try to give her a logical stepby-step plan or advice to her frustrations. That is why I often tell men, you are just adding gas on fire and right now she's just overwhelmed and her battery is off.

[00:18:18]Now, most women that don't often times complain and you try to talk about things logically to solve and have a face to face interaction.

[00:18:32]When her battery is off, she can't think because her emotional state right now is also off.

[00:18:44]And anything that is said in her face, it's either danger or a threat. And her body will freeze to a flight and fight more. She will either shut down and feel like running away from you and excluding herself from your presence.

[00:19:08]Because this is you overwhelming her to to an extreme level when in reality she can't just think. She can't just reason.

[00:19:19]This is us millennials and Jesus.

[00:19:23]If you are a jin, you are in this same path.

[00:19:30]And now you go ahead to ask yourself, will I be the one who will always be making decisions in these marriages or relationships?

[00:19:42]Is that even healthy?

[00:19:55]Let's say she is the avoidant.

[00:19:58]When she's overwhelmed, her nervous system will shut down.

[00:20:06]She doesn't have the capacity to listen to your logical questions and participate in that face to face interaction.

[00:20:17]And you trying to set that whole dynamic into a question and answer frame feels like an inter an interrogation to her.

[00:20:26]And this is you attacking her private life and she just doesn't feel safe around