Teenagers' challenging behaviors stem from their underdeveloped prefrontal cortex, which controls decision-making, impulse control, and emotional regulation, and continues developing until age 25. This means teens are not intentionally difficult but are working with a brain still under construction. The five core emotions that drive teen behavior are anger (often masking embarrassment or feeling unheard), anxiety (from pressure), shame (from feeling attacked), loneliness (from disconnection), and confusion (from identity exploration). Effective parenting requires connection before correction, using the CALM approach: Connect by getting on their level, Acknowledge their emotions without judgment, Listen actively, and Move forward together collaboratively. Parents should avoid public correction, sibling comparison, and punitive measures, instead focusing on building trust and understanding the underlying emotions behind behaviors.
Balqeez | Home Education Advocate | Speaker is liveAjouté :
and over to you.
Hello.
Am I holding?
>> Yes, ma'am. We can hear you.
>> Okay. Hello everyone. Um, good uh evening. I don't know what time you guys are there. Um, I'm going to be okay.
One sec.
Okay. So, um, good day everyone.
I am not sure. It's nice to like see everyone's face. I can see some mas their cameras are on. nice to have you um Paul here. So um let me before I say anything um let me give um a quick introduction about myself. Um so my name is Balik Mustafa. Um yeah I'm a Nigerian like everyone of us. Um or yeah I live in Europe presently.
Um I I'm a mother of three. I have almost 14 and um 11 almost 11 as well and a 7 year old.
In the years past, I'm someone that I got married early in life and as a while in Nigeria, you know how um once you get married, the next thing is you have kids. even when you're ready whether you're ready or not like the next step is you know you're married you just you know have kids and as at that time I was still a student I was already pregnant we had our son and we were just living life like normal and all of that but later in I started realizing that there's a whole lot of things that um as a mom and a parent that we could do for our children and there's a whole lot more involved in motherhood than just you know um giving your children food um waking up because normal like the way our parents train us you um what we take as parenting is you um feeding your kids wake up early clean the house um the regular things send them to school once they go to school you know and they doing well in school that's spiriting um in this day and time you would I I'm sure that for you to even join this class it already means that you're understanding that parenting is not just that it's not just that your child is thriving in school or you know you seeing them at home you're giving them meals and all there's a whole lot more in parenting that we parent of this day need to like take into um cognissance right so when I started noticing that that oh I don't have the knowledge of this I don't knowledge of that how else can I parent better than how my parents parented me by the way I'm an orphan and I learned this parenting on my own and when I had to like register myself um for positive parenting course and I my eyes started opening to okay so I could have done this when my child was this age I could have started teaching them this and that you know I felt like okay it's not too late I can still now and still you know have a very isolated child and um you know that would not be even from my parents in years to come and that was how you know I started my parenting journey more you know informed way so that is me nice to meet you all and um so the topic for today as our host said so thank you for having me our host thank you so much Yeah. So, um the topic for today is understanding things, emotions and behavior. It is really a very by the day I have my kids here. They actually listening in into this conversation. So, um it it's feeling more like um something that is not um stage because it is how like I'm actually living my life right now. I have 18 and I have fitting as well. So um this topic is a very um um delicate one and even though broad is not something that you can just finish in a few hours but I'll try as much as possible to like give a whole lot of information and value and all of that.
So one thing I'm going to be you know promising by the end of this class is that you're going to get like practical insight um on how you can build stronger connection and earier you know team parents relationship with your kids right you must get that out of this um conversation that we're having today so I'll quickly highlight the things that we're going to talk about so that um today so you have a mind what we are going to be doing at each particular time. I'm finding myself by the way. So we are going to talk about how the team brain works um and for whatever uh behavior that your teen is having right now. We are going to talk about why your teenager is acting that way. So you are aware because awareness is number one. Once you aware about a particular thing, you would then seek forever you know solution, knowledge or whatever. that you need for that awareness. Right? Then another thing we'll be talking about um is the five cause of emotions that humans have especially teenagers.
Then we move to the common triggers.
what are the things that you know set things off and um why it makes sense because when you understand why they are doing some particular things you will then be able to um know how to address you know those things that they are doing right um from a positive parenting approach I'm going to also give you how to respond to those their common triggers right those their behaviors I'm going to give you insight how to react to them as their parents. Um we're also going to talk about how you can build connection with them through their teenage years and um so that you can actually have this bond with them because that's actually what matters. Then we talk about real examples. I'll give you my own real life examples. I'm also going to be asking you to um talk about those things those things that you're seeing in your kids. maybe you want to walk around them or you just want to use it to like show us as an eye opener and we talk about it. So those are the things that we're going to be talking about um today during this um call um so now we are moving to um the tin. How exactly does it work? So in science they told us that the prefrontal cortex of the brain.
That's the part that you know um the brain used to control decision making, impulse control and emotional regulation, right? It is not fully developed and even it develops. It does not even develop when they eating. It fully develop when they are 25.
Right? So what does that mean in actual words? Right? It means that um for whatever behavior your team is showing right now, it is not because that thing is bad or the thing is broken or they are even doing it, you know, intentionally or deliberately to maybe make you sad or happy or something. It just means that their brain is actually not fully um developed, right? Um it's just like when you when you have a construction you're a house and you you've done the skeleton like you've done the foundation you've built it to you know some certain but you are not done even though the building is there like you can see the building that oh this my house I'm building but that building is there it's not done you still have interiors to do you still have some things to fix inside that's what um it means when I see that their prefrontal cortex is not fully developed right so Um and in actual behavior of a team, what does that um prefrontal cortex not fully develop? What does it mean in actual behavior? It means that um they are not using logic yet. They going to be acting via emotions, right? It means that they have like big reactions that looks like maybe like manipulation to your own eyes, right? You have big reactions to small or to things that feels big to you, but to them really, you know, it does not is not deep like that to them, right?
Another thing it means is that um you would think that they actually withdrawing from you and they prefer their friends more, but what it means for them is not that way. Um it's temporary for them. like lean towards their peers like their friends more while they like they want to get out of from you. They want to you know they just feel like they prioritizing their friends more than you right which is like a very big deal for the parents.
They feel like oh this child does not like me you know and all of that. Um and you see another thing that does for them is that they take weeks and it feels good for them. You see some things like I want to move out of your house. I no you know you're not a good parent. I want to like they feel like they should leave the house. It it is it is just that they you know they are seeking shrill. They have this you know unexed to um do things. I'm going to talk about how we are going to react to all of those things, but right now I'm talking about what they they would do because their prefrontal cortex is not yet, you know, fully developed, right? So, um those are the traits for them right now.
I hope you are still here and you guys can still hear me.
>> Yes, ma'am.
>> All right. Thank you so much. All right.
So, um for us to talk about like the five core emotions. It is very important we understand this in such a way that you can actually we need to like relate it to real real feelings real things that are happening on a dayto day between the parent and the teens right um when the behaviors I explained earlier when you are when your child has that behavior when it's showing that attitude when they're showing that attitude right what exactly does that attitude means because 14 you see them oh you know this like oh I want to leave your house or um they not just okay with your decisions you know we as parents will want to like oh you need to go to school you need to score this much you need to do this you need to be active but they are like um you even see some things they don't want to get out of their room some things just like they withdraw into their shell. What that means underneath if it is anger, anger is often a way that they cover up for embarrassment or maybe they feeling unheard. Maybe they say something, they're trying to like tell you something and you are not they feel like you're not understanding them or you're not listening.
They react with anger. So when you have a showing a whole lot of anger like you see some things they very disastrous they are very like they show that anger in a certain kind of way and be like how I didn't train this child this way right or let's say you're talking to your son or daughter and he enters his room and just slam the door right because you collected him or her that is like anger and What is causing that anger is not because that child is a bad child. It's because it could be that the child is hurt. It could be hurt in maybe in school, in church, in moss, however, or is embarrassed because of something or is feeling unheard.
So when you understand why they are doing that when you say just show anger these are what is under the anger and those things are what you should work on not you work on the anger right which is what most of us parents do okay so we still talk about how to undo all of this that I'm mentioning but I want us to like focus right now focus on this their action so that we later understand how to react to those actions Number two, you know, you talked about um what we're talking about is five core emotions, right? That te show. So number two is anxiety. Um what that means for that um maybe um you you want them to start a club, maybe join a football, join tennis or whatever sport. wanted to start and they like they don't want to they don't want to go you know to parents look like you're rude I can't do this you're not doing it this that you know you're just that's how it feels to you but what that means all is that um they feel like they're carrying a whole lot of pressure like enormous pressure um the pressure could be from school from social for that already on social media. It could even be identity, right? Um or future they just um they just so bothered about how they would turn out in future. Those are the things that actually on their mind but how they showing it is by refusing to you. What you are saying is that the child is rude because you asked them to join a particular club and they refuse to join. That's what you see. But that's not the exact thing is happening inside them. What is is happening inside them is that they're feeling a normal pressure. Right? So um the number three thing is shame.
Is shame. Um you see some children when you um talk to them about something or maybe they did something and the way the parents actually spoke about that thing to them um is somehow to them they just feel completely broken like they shut down because of that they feel attacked right what that is all that is that uh they have like all these emotions that is telling them that oh they are bad or they've done something bad and just start feeling this shame and it just shuts them down. Some kids they stay in their room they want to come out and even when they go to school you see them they moody they always moody they stay on their own right that kind of a child when you you like them try to find out what is going on.
You see that they they just feel um um so down because they feel attacked, right? That's what that means for them.
I hope you are understanding how behavior is interpreting into what is actually going on inside of the kids.
Okay.
Then we have the fourth one is loneliness.
When a child is feeling a child can be in the midst of family, in the midst of people, right?
One second, please.
Can you record that right now?
Right now? Me? No. Who else am I talking to right now?
All right. Thank you. Um so another and you still >> the fourth one is loneliness.
When a child like you see some children they just withdraw they they or they be very rebellious talk to them about something they just don't want it like they just want to do it. They're just they just um you know they're just or they feel disconnected from their environment, from you, from their friends. What is actually happening deep down they feel alone. They feel like they're just alone. Maybe because people do not understand them. They've tried explain they go into their shell and they just disconnect from every other thing or every other person even their parents. The number one is confusion.
You see some children their behavior at home is totally different from who they are in school or who they are in church or who they are as maybe parties. You would you as parents be confused as okay where did this come from? How do you understand they would have identity issues? You you barely be able to like recognize them. Um it is because internally they trying to find yourself.
They really trying to findel. they um trying to figure out who they are because in in teens that is when um they start building character. Whoever we are right now, we started building that person from what we are seeing.
So this is of when they building their characters. So and how they when they still confused about who they are, they show it by um you know trying to oh maybe I like music. You see them music. Oh maybe I like I think I would like to be a I think I would like to be a scientist.
You know, they just they're just confused, right?
Uh that's behavior. So they have these are the five core emotions that you see in right. So you should um when your teen child or you know pick any of this five emotion or you you are able to like realize that oh this child is being this way in any of the five emotions I mentioned you should already know what is going on in their mind because once you are aware of what's going on in their mind then you can um you'll be able to you know help them because that's why we are their parents you should um be able to be there to shape them right from right now right so um there are a whole lot of things that cause all of those emotion that I mentioned earlier earlier You see that I already just mentioned the emotion. I didn't really go deeper into what will cause why they are behaving that way and what you can do. So I'm trying to like I don't want to like fill your head up you know so much at the same time. So we talk about what causes what are these common triggers that makes them.
I'm going to be mentioning those behaviors and we are going to talk about what you can do when you see that kind of behavior right um we would start with um parents let's say as a parent you try to correct your child publicly maybe because of one of the emotions that they showed that we spoke about earlier when You do that to your child in their head is like you humilating them.
You they don't take it as they giving them feedback like they're trying to let them be able.
Why do you think that some children when you go to their school let's say you go to their school in the house you guys maybe like you give yourself So when you go to their school, they won't want you to like kiss them or they won't want you to show affection. Like they some some children said they won't want um people to see you guys together.
You like what's going on? You know, it is not because um it is not because they don't like you or um you've done something bad or they don't want to be seen with you. For them, They are very hyper aware about social. See, they are concerned about their social pattern. They are concerned about how their friends see them. You know, it might even be maybe some of their friends um they um is it how do they call them when you are amongst your peers and they teasing you? Yeah. Some of these friends tease them that oh you that your mom still brought food for you or your mom still comes to check up on you or your mom still you know they don't want that.
So they like they're trying to it is very they are very conscious right of um social like of how people see them. It is not a bad thing is actually the age they in at that moment. And what you can do is always always try as parents to correct children privately. Never at any point in time, you know, try to um bring the correction outside of your own. Even if it's not in your home, you could correct them outside, but let it be private. Not oh, they with their friends and they did something and at that time you are like really emphasizing on those correction. It is really um a very wrong thing to do as compared to these things because they they very um at that time their emotions are heightened their emotions if they like you they would like you if they don't like if they don't like you they would not care at all. So um private correction is very very important right another thing that you know this particular one I want to mention and it's called comparison to siblings it really triggers shame you know I mentioned emotion one of the emotion is shame right it triggers shame a whole lot to say when you say things like your brother never does this um you it's your or your sister, she would not try this with me, you know, or something like that. What it does is it really pushes them to shame and resentment. I can break sibling relationship.
Some parents complain that oh my children they don't like each other when they grow when they don't like you might still be it might still be and all but when you have adults there are some adults that they are not close friends with their siblings in some homes you see brothers and sisters everybody you know differently you know that's because of what the parent has caused from comparison from childhood. So we need to be very careful about that.
Right?
So um this particular one I think online especially on my page we always have this conversation screen time cut off right. It is it is something that we feel like it is small but for like not small at all. And um most times when we you know gift screen as um as um we we we you know pass them off screen midway let's say um on every day they let's say weekend for example like myself they only watch the kids they watch TV during the weekend and Um, and let's say they did something wrong and I I'll be like, "Oh, you're not going to you're not going to um Oh my god. Did I go up?
Am I still on the score?"
>> Yes, ma'am.
>> Oh, okay. Okay.
I can't see you guys anymore.
Okay.
Thank you.
Let's say so in in our home when the kids do something now let's say they did something bad like and I'm like you are not going to have the screen for the next okay thank you thank you my thank you right and you say that I'm not going to you're not going to watch TV throughout this week or throughout weekend because they did something wrong. Yeah, we all I'm sure that most parents do this a whole lot and it is actually very long, right?
My suggestion would be instead of saying you're not going to watch TV all through this weekend, what you can do is give a 10 minutes warning, make sure that they do that warning properly and when they do, make sure you follow follow that make sure that they actually do that 10 minutes that they actually do that and then allow because if you if you cut off me what it means that if you like punishment I know that punishment is actually very good to kids instead of punishment consequences is So when you do something there's always consequences for every action there's always consequences for every action and it's actually very necessary for you to give them that consequence let them go through the consequences instead of punishing them so cutting them off throughout their like for their normal routine of let they watch TV every weekend cutting them off to actually punishment right and they feel it as you um a huge punishment for them.
We are not supposed to you know go through that. So we have also um most times when children are talking to us we tend to Yeah. Almost everyone you know our work is like online. You're always online to check what's going on.
actually working actually right but the moment that kids want to have conversation it is very very important for us to like whatever they're doing and actually listen right listen instead of dismissing them even if you are super busy you just say oh right now I'm very busy and I quickly finish whatever I'm doing and get back to you and make sure you follow through and get back right so um they do things. So what I'm talking about now is like unheard feelings.
Unheard means that they talk to you and they um they feel like the connection is not there or you did not hear them or you did not even give the answer that they want.
Instead what we can do is to actually reflect before we respond. What that means is let's and say, "Oh, I so you know that thing that happened like he did or she did is a bad thing." What we most times do as like why would you do that? How do you do that? You know, stuff like that. Why did you do this?
Instead, respond. How best can I respond? It is not the right Because once you are back it makes them like go silent and feel like then when you ask like I don't know or nothing when you ask how did anything happen that is because the previous conversation ended with you get so we actually want ours to feel We need to stop attacking and actually reflect before we respond so that we can um we can speak on the issue not attack the issue.
I don't know if I'm like clear enough.
So um yeah this particular woman I think this from school or from church or from anywhere out they come in and like how was school did you eat? What happened today?
You know did you finish your food? Did you assign? Did you get you know the questions are and when the questions are you start to feel like you're interrogating them so that is not like they're trying to connect with them because I know that we've seen a lot of people say that oh talk to your space like one question is fine when you ask question what you hear from So you can ask the question at intervals that way to ask you want to know you can ask at intervals and even when you quiet and listen they even might tell you those things without you having to ask those questions you had they might give you the answers without you needing to ask them right so this particular last one which are from the triggers is um most times because you will see that they authoritative they control they don't wait to be trusted right and some of us still bring those things into our own we need them to trust us and not the other Not by force or not by comfort. What happens when um a like trust um or when you want to like trust? Oh my god.
Hello. Yeah, I'm waiting to be added back.
Who is that?
Yeah, thank you.
>> Hello.
>> Did I drop off or did the call dropped?
>> The call dropped.
>> Oh, okay.
Oh, >> we'll have to u message people that they can join back.
Yes, I'm >> I don't know. My people are saying they could not join. I have a group.
>> Okay, let me tell them to join.
But why can this person people are already joining.
>> Oh, okay.
Yeah. When we have like few people join, we just continue.
>> Um, were you recording the call by the way?
Yes.
>> Okay. So that um for people that Okay.
>> Would you want me to go ahead?
>> Yes.
>> Okay.
Okay. So, um we are back.
Um thank you guys for joining back. So, we stopped or we um had the cutting session when I was on um trust, right? So the trigger for trust for 10 is you would see um rebellion in things where they feel like you are like over controlling them. And this is this like happens a lot in most homes where their child does not just want to listen, does not want to um follow you know the instructions of the parent. It's not because that child is just being overly you know um stubborn. Yeah, we call it stubborn that this child is very stubborn blah blah blah. No, it is not that. It is because you have created an environment where they feel overly controlled instead of you actually you know um leading with trust. Let them trust you and whatever you see they feel like okay um they can actually follow through with whatever you say. So how can you achieve this is let them have small decisions and these small decisions could be something as tiny as. So we have um this uh every weekend thing that we do where we plan our coming week and when we are doing that I let them like suggest the meals that they want us to have I let them like they have impute on so they have spots they have this so we put them on the sheet and all that so while we having that meeting they also have imput they feel like they are part of something you know um they feel respected as well because their opinion actually matters when we are doing those things, you know, you've given them um the ability to make like their own small decisions. So, it just it just builds, you know, when you do it long enough, it builds that trust um from parents to children. So, um those are the major triggers that causes those emotions, the five emotions, the five core emotions. So what are we now going to do about all of these things that I've mentioned? So I'm going to be talking to you on this based on my knowledge about positive parenting cuz that's what I believe in. Not um because positive parenting is more like it is not passive. It is just to you as a parent actively trying to do better for your kids, trying to be better parents and also trying to get the better part of your kids and which is what actually runs the world. But because if we ourself as humans, we are working on oursel to be a better version of oursel at every point in time. We'll be able to like give the world a better version of ourel at every point in time.
So whoever I am right now because I keep um trying to be better right when we meet again next year or when you see maybe it's my post or you see me again by let's say in future next year next two years I would already be like a better version of how you met me the previous years right so um that is why I actually believe in positive parenting a lot so um in this I'm going to talking about how you can respond respond to all of this their emotions without actually pushing them further away because most times um our reaction you know dictates how um our kids are going to see us in future. If the kind of even not just years the kind of relationship you are going to have with your kids in future now like during this year age is what determines that time let me give you this example there in some homes their child calls them like almost every day you see some women they will tell you that oh my I just spoke with my daughter meanwhile in some homes 3 months 6 months they've they've not heard from their kids. If they don't call their kids, they won't call them.
And these children, it's not because they hate them. It's the pattern of parenting that they've attributed in their home throughout the years.
That's that's that's that that's what builds it. And these things can even be done with me. I remember when I was in university those years because her I don't have parents but I have this um lady she she was my bunkmate so because we are Muslim Muslim so we were like very close friends her parents come to school I was in unilad they live in I think Mushi or something yeah they come every weekend mom and dad they come every weekend and when they are come in. They will come with food, cooked one and come with Yeah, they come with mostly cooked one because she already has uncooked one like she brings it every beginning of the time. They come with meals not just for her for all of us in the room and she know how even on weekdays she'll call them like when anything happen in school they the first you know person she would like reach out to oh mommy see can you come mommy do you know it is how they have built that their foundation that their relationship is how they built it and it is what I'm very sure that we are not like so much close right now but I'm very sure that she still have that relationship with them till now because they maintained that energy till we graduated they every weekend they must come they must come when they coming they go to a salat mock every Sunday as they coming from that like this they will come to you like so let's start with what I'm going to start with is I have this format that I use uh from my uh positive parenting um lessons which it is called calm. So calm is spelled C A L M. So the C I call it connection.
There's nothing see right now that I'm speaking with you. What am I trying to achieve with you? I'm trying to connect with you.
Right? I'm trying to connect with you.
I'm trying to um establish conversation that could possibly turn to you know anything relationship or anything with you. So we cannot remove connection from anything in this life. The people that have the best of relationships they connected first. Relationship does not just happen like I cannot just see you now we are best of friends you know we need to actually connect first and this need to happen for our kids as well we need to try as much as possible to get on their level get on their level you getting on their level could be what does your child likes your child likes game can you create time and play that that child once in a while. It does not have to be like every time. You just need to be um you just need to be something that you consistently do. It could be once a month and you consistently do that once a month at like that.
So make sure you try to if you have multiple kids try to get at the level of that each children.
Some child they like um physical play.
Take them to park have that physical play with them.
That is you getting to their level. That is you establishing connection with them.
Right?
Let's say that your child, you know, had any of those emotions that we've explained earlier, you instead of you just, you know, coming out with your yes, I'm the I'm the mother. I'm the I'm the one that born you. You will listen to me. Instead of that, you could name that their emotion because we talking about connection now.
That's why I'm mentioning emotion. You could name that their emotion. And immediate emotion could be oh I can see that you are frustrated. I am not here to fight you.
Even if you are the most adened person, if that child is the most adened person, you saying that would somehow relieve them of that so much of anger and want to listen to you.
That is you getting down to their level and that is connection.
If you If there's anyone here that wants me to like give more examples on how to connect with their kids, you can let me know. We can have that during the Q&A.
All right. So, in CAM we have C and the next one is A.
Acknowledge.
When you acknowledge, okay, so um every um situation does not need you to come in and fix it. a child does something you you you do not have to be the Mrs. Fix it every time, right? You could just like, okay, something happened today or um you the child was supposed to let's say the child was supposed to get you something and he or she forgets, right?
It's not that you collect, you just sto out and go and get that thing by yourself.
You don't know how to do that. You do not have to fix it. You You just need to Oh, I sent you something. You just need to acknowledge it. I sent you something.
Name that thing. You um you could just Okay, let's say something happened to them or they could not finish their homework, right? Oh, that sounds really Let's say the child is not telling you that, oh, um mommy, I can't do this thing. I will you help me do it or I can because if you're helping them with everything they cannot solve you are telling them or you are showing them automatically that they they can easily give up.
They can easily um just you know not do things you yes it is good to be there for them. You are there not because you want to fix that thing.
You are there to assist them. If there's a way you can assist them to get that thing done, you can assist them. But do not do it for them.
Your te is not 7 years old, 8 years old that you just, oh, let me do it for you.
No, you should they should have a sense of responsibility and let them do things by themsel. You could assist them to ensure that they do it properly, but not in the way that you would do it for them.
So the acknowledgement is you actually acknowledging that oh this this this um so this particular oh you can't do this homework yourself okay let me see what is it about tell me more about it then if you know about it you can simplify that thing for the child in such a way that oh they get it and like oh I can do it now that is so if it is behavior pattern not the homework pattern let me use an example of behavior so we talked about we had this emotion around let's say they went to for sport and they've been going for football training several times and okay let me use this personal example. So there was this time where um this two years ago my son was trying to get into a football club um and um in that football club you need to like go for trial. So if you do well or they have like different criterias of how they pick you know the players. So let's say in their criteria if you like meet the criteria then they accept you into the club. So he did the first one then they they didn't accept him. He did the second one they didn't accept him. That second one was really painful because we needed him to like join a club like pretty soon. But I can see the pressure already on his face because he knew that he need to like get into a club. what did I do? I was just like I just gave him like a whole lot of reasons why it is they didn't pick him not because he cannot play or not because he did not do well is just not a good fit for their club. And um I had to like go and find out how their like criteria is and how what we can do so that when it tries again it will get picked. So that way and I told him that oh so we could do this and this and this to prepare you for the next try out that released like a bit of the pressure and the disappointment he was feeling about not being picked. So even though I ackned that oh we um we could have like done better so he get picked but if I did not acknowledge the fact that it is not just it is not just about him.
There are people like you could play well and you still would not get picked.
It's not because you don't know what you are doing or you did not practice well or you did not do well. It's not just you are not just the right fit for them to pick. So we should try to acknowledge them without judgment. I think that's the word without judgment. It is um very important. So the L in cal is listening. Hm. This one you most times overlook it because you're like I'm listening. Listening is not let's say you're still pressing phone and you say you're listening or you are still working. Some of us will still be working. Maybe you're writing a document. You have you're on um depends on the kind of work you do. You are still working or you're cooking and your child is actually like telling you things. He has to be full listening. No phone, no interruption, no work.
That is listening.
At the same time that you're listening, we need to also ensure that we resist that hudge. As parents, we always like to like give solution to every of our children's problem. Like you want to we don't want our children to have any problems. We just want to like solve it for them. They are teenager. Remember that from teenager they go to young adults and as a young adult as 18 19 you already categorized as an adult to the world. They no longer that your baby and whatever training you giving them from this their teenage years is what would actually compound as they go into young adults.
So if um a child could not fix let's say a bulb or something could not fix something and you rush to help the child like fix it immediately you are not teaching them to be a young adult you are not teaching them to be able to handle things even if it is emotions you should rather instead of um you say let's say a child is angry after naming the anger or you don't you are not even naming it so you want to name anger You need to make sure that your child says, "Oh, I'm angry because let's say you were being um you were being um let's say too hard on me.
You're angry because so let let the child be able to name exactly what is wrong with them. I am angry because you shouted at me." That child says that the next I shouted at you when I was your age.
They don't know me well to tell my daddy to tell my mommy this nonsense that you're telling me. They did not you know you you you start saying or some will not even say that some will just be like oh you oh I'm so sorry I'm so like that is solution don't give them you can you still say you're sorry but calm down listen let them pour out everything they want to pour out and resist that urge to quickly hand them the solution Not take your time. Let them finish. Let them let them pour out their mind. Then you can assist them with the solution, not hand the solution over to them. Let them be able to have this sense of responsibility.
Why do you think that some parents, especially very smart parents, they they start allowing their kids to join all these fundraising, all these um um um SDGs because there's something it teaches them. It is how they can offer solution to the world. As young as 12 years, they already speaking about the STDs, right? So when when you um run or you you've been with people who does fundraising, who does S any of the SDGs, you would understand why um activities actually matter to kids because it give them this sense of responsibility that they actually responsible for something and for some you know people and you can only build this thing you cannot talk it into them. You can you can only build it if you like give them someone like talk about it from now till it will not y anything they need to actively participate like they need to build it. So let's move on to m income which is I think I've mentioned a bit about it when I was talking about listening but I will elaborate more on it now. It is like when you move forward together what that means is that okay you've connected right and you've addressed the behavior right you've listened the next thing is for you to actually collaborate with them like work with them not that you're dictating that this is how we going to do it and that is it final you know our parents used to do that time when they tell you to go and to go to science class in your When you inst class like you'll be in soup.
So when when um that's how that's dictatorship and this thing that we're talking about when our government do it to us we get angry. Everybody come on social media and start lamenting but we actually do it in our homes and we we we do not realize it. So you need to collaborate with them like you need to um you could say things like let's say um okay so one of the things that we discuss about or try to collaborate about in this house is screening time.
So they watch TV only on weekends and now it's already um um they about starting their exam next month and we've stopped um screen time for even the weekend. So no screen time throughout till after the exams. What did I do? We spoke about it before I stopped it while they finished um watching TV that weekend. I'm like, "Okay, because exam is coming, we are not going to um be able to watch TV cuz you need to study more. And what am I going to do after your exams? Don't worry. I'm going to be giving you a lot more hours for screen time than we usually do, right?" I don't know. They were like, even though they were not so happy, but yeah, because I'm working with them, I did not just fine, right? So even when we schedule time for um screen and I see it is 2 hours no 1 hour there was a time where we do 1 hour on Saturdays for screen per child because I have three and they don't all of them they don't like the same um programs so let's say this one likes this one another one the other one would like another program so how do we we have one TV how do we want to h make it work so each child will have one hour for three children that's already 3 hours out of in daytime is 12 hours 3 hours is gone they have so they felt like even that 1 hour is too small per person and because they they have other activities that even takes let's say two I'm like okay we I can do max 2 hours per child and you can carry over your two hours to next day where you can add to you know the next day so That way it feels to them like okay we are actually like collaborating on this. It is not just being dictated to them.
It we might see it as oh we are giving the children too much you know um power and freedom and they they might feel like maybe they are weak. No, it shows strength actually because the strength that a lot of our own parents lacked, they feel like um the dictatorship is what gave them strength but that's actually weakness because it means that they cannot actually like control their own emotions, right? Okay. So, uh let's move forward.
If there's any question about any part that I've explained, you can just like note it down and we will um we'll talk about it in the question and answer.
Right? So um I mentioned that we are going to talk about um how we can deal with this things right this emotions for the children. So let's talk about those em the the words that um you should say and the ones that you should never say to your children because in emotions is action for action for children is not just what you do is also what you say. So let's say um something happened and you want to like correct the child instead of why would you do that? You know the baby just lash out. Why would you do that? Why you do that? So you can ask them a question instead which is help me understand.
>> Hello can you hear me?
>> Yes.
>> Oh okay. So you can ask you can ask them question instead. How like help me understand what happened? your child did something like very terrible but you would not understand it in their own perspective if if if you don't even hear their perspective and most times we do not want to even hear them we just you know want them to we are just so angry about whatever they did right so you could ask them to help you understand what exactly what was going through their mind what was the thoughts behind what happened right if they're able to give you the answer then you'll be able to like wrap your head around why your child would actually do that particular thing.
Right? So let me give another example.
It could be I mentioned something that time that when I was your age I I I did this I have done that you know I would have when I was your age I would have done this better right instead of all this when I was your age what we could actually do is see asking them question actually solve a whole lot of things for our things that we know it could be like Oh, what what feels hardest about this for you?
Sometimes they are just struggling.
They're struggling with a particular emotion. They're struggling with a particular thing, right? So, we could help them by asking them, oh, what feels about that thing for them. So, that way you are able to understand where their mind even is and you will be able to know how you can help them resolve it, right? how we can help them solve it. I'm going to be like um running faster so that um by 6:30 we can round up. Right? So sometimes our children do some things and we like stop overreacting why why you reacting this way. What this small thing why you doing if it is a whole lot. No we need to we need to acknowledge our feelings. Oh your feeling how you are feeling makes sense but let me know what is it. Tell me about it. Tell me more about it. So once we are able to get them to tell us their feelings, it is very important that we hear from them because see if you do not hear from your kids. It is very dangerous. How do you want to how do you want to understand what's going on in their head? Children are very funny. A lot of things are actually running through their mind like back to back through their mind and the only way you can actually by asking them those questions. So acknowledging their feelings. Oh, oh, this makes sense. How you feeling? Okay, but can I know more about it? Tell me more. Right. Um, there there's another word that we mostly say a lot which is, oh, I do everything for you.
I do everything for you and you are still behaving this way. Ohm, our own parents, they did everything that they can for us, right? And we still turn out this way even though it might not be maybe like 100% what our parents wished with how we turned out.
But yeah, we we could actually do better. We could just, you know, um acknowledge them and try to figure it out with them. So you could be like, "Oh, I love you. let's, you know, try and figure this out together. Even though that child has done like a very, very grief thing, we could still um acknowledge that we love them and um help them walk through whatever that is together, right? So, um I mentioned earlier that we're going to be talking about building connection. And see this particular part, we can even sleep on it because when when you actually build that connection with your child, there's nothing that you actually cannot solve any longer. So how can we actually like build this? And I'm going to be using like practical tools as example for us. Um it is parents who actually build connection with their child that are going to have better relationship with them. in future and this future I'm talking about is not like it is it is very near is like nearest future which is like 3 years from now 4 years from now 5 years from now um some children they would go to school and not have a single conversations with their parents you know they they even if they have conversation with their parent their parent would not know exactly what's going on in their mind they would not know you know their capability oh if they oh this is what my child can do this is what my child cannot do. Some parents, you know, cannot even um attest to what their children are capable of doing. I watched a video one time um during this um school bullying saga and I watched this video where when the um school showed the parents the um CCTV footage of what their child was doing to other kids in school they could not believe their eyes that this boy that lives under their roof you know can do such things. So, so that's um parents who has not like built that connection within their child, you would not be able to know exactly what's going on in their head. So, um let me give you practical example of how you can build this connection. It's not something so hard. It's something that we actually do every day, but we are not taking um um account of it like we are not being aware that this is what we're actually doing. So it could be um things like all these sideby-side conversations. You could like take a walk. You could maybe when you are driving it could be maybe you just find a task that you guys can do together.
Okay, maybe let's um um um the task could be something as simple as maybe even homework inside the house or you find something that needs repair in the house and you guys are repairing together and you could you just have conversations about the most random thing ever, right? Maybe they are the one that wants to talk about, you know, random things and things that happen to them. And you know that when you give children this kind of space or you you give this time with them, they get to talk about even things that does not make sense like that does not make sense in natural sense for an adult. They get to like just talk about it and you guys can try the walk one. Take a walk like a lot of things will be said during that walk. I promise you. Um another um way that you can you know practical way that you can um build connection is actually having like the existing code check in. So um you could have like a particular day or it could just be or a particular time. So it could be like u maybe weekends you just have this checkin where um you just have one question. It could be um what's the hardest thing that happened to you this week or the question could be um how do you feel about yourself this week? I know maybe something happened last week or you guys have like a very um big week like there was a whole lot of maybe activities in between. So you could just ask that, oh um what do you think about our whole, you know, um calendar for this week? How did it make you feel? Just that one question and just listen. Let them like pour out their mind. Even the necessary ones and unnecessary one, let them just talk. See that conversations children don't forget and they feel more they feel more relaxed to actually speak with you. So for parent of things that having issue with having conversations, let's say your kid will just be telling you and they do this one a lot. When you ask them how are you? I'm fine. What um what happened today or what was nothing you know you ask them say nothing nothing is a lie children something there's always something there's always something. So um but you could you know in during your checking questions some of the something that you know you've been unable to get out of them can actually come out right and that way to like build connection is yeah I call it no phone window so what that means is um there can be like a time of the week or day where you leave your gadgets and you are just present in the moment with them. So it could be that maybe they are watching they could be watching cartoon or anything and you join them to watch that thing. They could be reading you join them to read whatever they reading.
It could be um maybe they're cleaning their house or they doing their chores.
You could just be there and you know you could watch them do it. You could join them to do it. And that one, oh my god, it builds like it builds connection with with kids a whole lot because they just feel like okay, you're present with them and before you know it, you don't need to ask them anything. You conversations just come or they just feel even if you don't talk, they just both of you just feel this calmness that okay, you know, you're just like in your in your space together. You know, you're in their space, right? and they just feel this very comfortable with you and they can easily just you know tell you anything. There's another one called the family table. So how that works is how that works is for for uh me I like uh when we all eat together. So during the week because you know there's school there's this even if we don't eat um breakfast and lunch together we have to eat dinner together.
So everybody eats at the same time and eat on the table. At that time when children are eating they can say the unthinkable.
They can say the unthinkable. You think that that food is giving them this you know energy to just talk and say anything they can talk when they're eating. Even though during you know food time you're not supposed to talk. If they have something like very important to say can give them that you know allowance. Let them just within a short time let them just see whatever they want to say. You can get a lot out of them at that time as well and it builds like um connection as well. I love affirmations a lot. So I talk about affirmations. So it might it might not even be like a note. You might not even have to write it out. you can just, you know, have some words that you um you can say to them at intervals. So for people that like the note one, you could write it in a note and could put it in their bag. You could um say to them, the one for the note, you could put it in between their books and let them just open it as a surprise. So the words could be it depends on you know what your dad is doing at the moment. even it could be I see how hard you are working you know because children love to be seen a whole lot they love to be appreciated so it could just be well done I could see everything you do um so instead of managing them telling them oh you do this you do that just you know that small thing that they've even done acknowledge it and you know let them know that you see it right um and the last one for this building connection is always make sure that you repair after conflict. It is very important. Even we as an adult we most times do this when you have a fallout with someone you do not try to repair.
We always just want to like break things and let it just you know break off um like that. So when but without things it is very important that after every conflict make sure that you leave room for repair. You leave room for repair.
Um if you know that they are the one that did the wrong make sure that you call them to order right and let them apologize and you guys settle it. Like don't just let things go silent. Things happen in the house. Don't let you just like it has ended.
>> I'm on live.
>> Doing what? Sleeping.
We are going to be back soon.
Hello.
I think she's using the freezer.
>> She's using zoom.
I'm still on live.
I'm still on live.
>> I'm still on live.
>> When I said I'm still online. Okay, we are back.
The >> call dropped again. Sorry.
All right, it's fine.
Okay. So, let me put this.
Okay.
All right. So I was talking about repair after complete. So we need to um make sure that there's always we give space for repair. We don't just let things slide. Um because we need to aware that however we um for whatsoever thing we are doing with artists right now, we actually building their character. So you see some people they will say that oh they can keep money for Africa. Go if you go and check the root cause of things like that. It is how they have been managed while they were young. And um our parents you know um forget to realize that they were actually building our character at this age is when they building who they would you know who they would be in future.
and some you know habits that come with us from childhood is usually very very difficult to you know unlearn when we grow like when we are an adult. So we need to understand that we actually um we we are training you know a prospective adult. So always make sure that you repair after complete repair is not just for um adult you know conflicts and all of that even for our children in the house when there's anything let's say they did something and you reprimand them also make sure that you after a while you still like reach out to them to let them understand why that you know why that particular why you took that particular you know action right so I'm going to be given. How many people do we have here now? I think people are trying to join back. Let me because I want to give >> join back.
>> Okay, they're trying to join back. Okay.
I want to give scenarios and I want, you know, someone to tell me what they would do in that, you know, scenario just so I can know that.
Let me draw.
Okay.
So, so for Mrs. Let me quickly drop this one. Um because um I noticed that the call is dropping after every 30 minutes.
I want us to be done before the next um 30 minutes so that it doesn't drop off again. Yeah. So um I'm going to be using real life scenario. So, let's say your 14-year-old comes home and um go straight to his or her room and says nothing to you, right? When you now when you ask the child, oh um how was your day or how was school and she says fine and close the door back. How are you going to respond to that to that particular scenario?
You can unmute in case you are talking. Madame Malawi, you are still muted. Okay, you've unmuted now. So, how are you going to um what will be your reaction?
>> Thank you coach. I'm very grateful for this opportunity whether as a parent if my child the came home and I saw some little changes in her habits in her in his room without even saying anything. I will leave him for about 5 minutes. Later on I will get there to knock the door. I ask him is there any problem if he still answering another 10 minutes again after that 10 minutes I go to pet him? How's everything? How is school today? Is there anything is there anything that you feel you can share with me? You know with all this you can be able to pet all this what they need from what they need.
You also pet them at times.
You know at times when you pet your your child at times you pet your teenagers at times and you show you have been showing a sign of concern that you concerned about one he or she is able to do one thing or the other to you.
Not that we should be saying if you like don't talk to me that's your own problem. If they doing that it will not help them and don't help us also. So you need to help them, pet them, speak with them, say, "Can we pray? Can we talk?
What is what do you want me to help you with? Anything?" I hope that you'll be able to speak out whatever that moment as a parent.
>> Thank you so much, mama. I really like your perspective and it shows that you've been listening and also it's something that you practice. I can see how you like you excellently answered that. Yes. So for everyone on this um live um thank you so much for your time.
Yes, she's actually very very right. You give them some time. Um um it could be from 5 minutes to 30 minutes is fine and then you can go back and knock and even you some children even when you go back and knock they still not ready to you know have the conversations but just let that child knows that you are here when they are ready so at every point time let them know that you are here when they are ready so that you know gives them this when they are ready to talk they would actually like talk to you so I'm going to give um examples of most what uh we should not do at that time which is maybe like shouting on them that you are rude why will you slam the door why will you do this you know I am talking to you talk to me you know trying to force the words out of them we are not supposed to do that and it's not going to actually help the situation so thank you so much mom I really appreciate your >> yes you're welcome I saw someone joined now but I think she dropped I think she >> This is the network. We are having a very pure network in Nigeria.
>> Oh, sorry about that. Should I be laughing?
Sorry about that. All right. So, I I Let's see. Let's see if we have more people join soon. I um maybe I should um summarize what we've talked about then come back to the scenarios. I have about two more scenarios to go. And I really love that the people that were here earlier in the call to be the one to answer them just so I can see if you know Oh, thank God someone joined back.
>> Yes.
>> All right. Madame required, you joined right in time to answer question or unmute yourself.
>> Yeah. Good evening.
>> Good evening, mama. Thanks for joining back.
>> Good evening, everyone.
>> Good evening, ma'am.
From Manchester.
>> You said I didn't get that.
>> I think from Manchester.
>> Hey, welcome.
That's that's welcome here. So, let me You're the one answering our scenario two question.
Were you here um earlier? Were you on this call earlier?
>> I was but it broke down. So, >> yeah. So, you join back able to join.
So, I'm just joining back >> again.
>> So, I don't know what you are talking about again.
>> Okay. Just give me just give me your best answer. Like just give me your best answer. What's your question?
>> Okay, so my question is let's say your 13year-old explodes over being asked to put his plate away. He shouts, "You never let me rest and storms off." What will be your reaction?
>> That's one of the thing that is happening to me.
>> Exactly.
My 13year-old boy sometimes when he finish eating he will just put his plate down. I will say it fourth time. Pack your plate go and wash it. He will do like he didn't hear me second time. So the third time I I'll just leave him. So he will just carry it by himself to go and wash it. That's that's all. I don't know maybe it's right. But I don't uh before I used to shout but now I don't usually shout at him. Same one second time he didn't answer me so he will go by himself to go and do it. I hope I'm correct. I didn't >> All right. So there's there's actually not like um a um okay there I would say there's right and wrong but yeah from from what you just like narrated right now I I want to first tell you that it's actually very very common among teens like I don't think that there's no matter the kind of parenting style you use I feel like you would still encounter this in their teenagers because of the their hormones is actually very very disregulated right now. They are trying to understand who they are, what they are capable of and that can come off in you know different uh they they will show it with different emotions. I don't know if you were in the emotions when you were here when we were talking about the emotions right.
So they they they might tend to forget things. They might tend to feel you know lazy about doing things and listening to instructions.
They you know some of them even go as far as you know being um they they they want to be alone. They don't in fact all your family can be in the sitting room.
the teenager would want to like go to his room and just look down and just be there, you know? They want to instead of being proactive, they just want to they just want to lazy around like they don't want to do anything, right?
>> So it's it's um >> Can you hear my son? He said you are describing me.
Exactly.
That is my son.
Even to wake him up in the morning. He feels lazy to tell him to do something you would not want to do it.
>> All what you are describing is exactly my son with what you just said that emotion. So, how are we going to deal with that?
>> Yeah. So, I'm I'm going to explain that and I think in um what I'll do is I have um I prepared um a slide. I'm going to be sending it over. You joined from my group, right? You joined from parenting.
Oh, okay. I'm going to be sending it to the group so that you can still go over it, right? Um and I'll send it to um um Madame Tul as well so that you can send it to your people as well. So because I think you miss some part of I talked about calm you know so in that calm there are ways that you could manage this. I'm also going to be answering this your own question as well so that you know how to um help yourself better.
See at this time we don't need force we don't need dictatorship right at this their level. What we actually need is connection and guidance. So you need to actually connect with them first. So let's say we've talked about the scenario where um you've taught them.
See as I teaching my son how to bathe himself, how to wash play since age five.
>> Since age five, my sevenyear-old bathe himself, brush himself, does like he he can prepare himself. I I can't remember the last time I picked clothes for him.
Like he dress himself, he does things himself.
But my teenage too can do it. Exactly. But now with this teenage mom, he just does not want to do it.
>> So that is why I wanted to say sorry about that. I wanted to say that they know what to do but they will not want to do it.
>> Yes. So that that's the stage they in and we need to just connect with them.
So what you can do in this particular one is you speak with them first. Forget about that plate and establish connection with that child first. And how can you do that is to acknowledge that what they are feeling at that time which is it could be oh I noticed that you were really tired earlier and sometimes they're actually very tired.
Um 18 we already put a lot of pressure on them at this age. They close school late than when they were still younger.
Some of them does a lot of activities and all. It is not an excuse. They can still do this and still function properly. Right? So you just you need to acknowledge that baby. Oh, I noticed you were tired earlier because you did not carry your plate. You already acknowledge you know the fact that you understand that he was tired. Then you go back to that plate. So you've established connection first before talking about the plates.
When you do that consecutive like several times they you just build their um their thinking because they actually trying to understand how right now the seven year old you are still telling them what to do. They still like you're still training them. But them now they they they are aware that oh they now teenagers they can actually um do things how will I can actually be their self like they don't necessarily have to listen they don't necessarily have to um do whatever you ask them to do but you know that they need to listen to you they need to do things that you want them to do so that you need to guide them properly because how you handle this their situation right now is what will help them build their character because that's what they actually trying to do. They're trying to identify. They're trying to know theirelves right now. They building their own character. The way you you have your own character right now. It was built from right when you were 10 and the way your parents handled it that time is what like um helped you turn out the way that you turn out right now. You see some adults they still have that be all this behavior we are complaining about right now. Some adults still have it.
I hope you know some adults are very lazy. They if you help them look for job they will not go for the job or even if they go their employer will be complaining you know they they they they not looking forward to life like they will see other people succeeding they are not their brain is not wired to think that okay I can do this thing I can do better than this person let me put in effort they they cannot even plan some of them cannot plan their life they cannot plan that okay um today I'm going to read tomorrow I'm going to um go for let's say I'm going to go for an outing I'm going to start exercise I'm going to some adults cannot make their self you know do things it is because of how their parents undo that their teenage so even though you have to and we parents we need to understand that you need to repeat as much time don't ever get tired of repeating yourself to your They and don't be discouraged. They they can hear you. They can remember. They if you are not there, if you are the parent that repeats and you don't get tired of repeating, you will be surprised that they would behave very very good if you are not there.
>> Okay, you're right.
So they there's pressure. For example, when they go to school, there's pressure. Oh, where's the homework? Oh, there's class. Oh, there's this. Oh, I need to play with my kids. When they get home, they they they want to feel like they are home and they want to, you know, it feels like women when you go out and you get back in the way you just remove your bra, you remove your shoe, you remove your that's how it feels for them in that day. They just want to be theirel at home. So we need to allow them be theirel even though it does not mean that you would tolerate those behaviors but give them that grace.
So what I would want you to do with that the scenario you answered is you telling them that you speak to me that way go to your room or you are banned from this and that or you know talk to them in a very very harsh manner. That is not advisable. It just it worsened the the matter.
It worsen it. So, make sure that you're giving them grace. Right? So, we have this third scenario which is >> let's say you find out your 15year-old lied about where she was. Maybe she went to um you sent um that child to somewhere and she went elsewhere. So, um or she went to a friend house that you do not even know that friend, right?
My question will be what would be your you just you found out what would be your um reaction? Anyone anyone on this live can actually answer that madame would you help us answer that?
>> Well, yes. What I just described she's going to a market to get a facial cleanser and later on he said he didn't get a facial cleaner from where I knew and he went to shopping mall you know from that talking more he moved down to his friend house without I was calling calling calling about seven times and I was seriously annoyed you know what I a senior brother. I called the senior brother. I reported to him. I called her sister.
>> I reported to her then I didn't see anything. Later on maybe the two of them put a call to her. She now called. I did not pick. So when she came back just said I'm sorry. I went to my friend's place. I said but you didn't tell me you are going to. And I said the reason why I've been saying this is that the security of this nation is not Exactly.
>> Let me know wherever you are. I said let me know wherever you are. I don't know the place you going to but you supposed to you told me you place before and I started calling your number you refused to call to pick the call and when she come I'm sorry. I said okay. About 20 minutes later she came she came out of her room and said mommy mommy what do you want? I said no problem just go and get something and I didn't I was saying I don't even know what to do very quickly I said the reason why I'm talking why I'm shouting yesterday be careful this world is now the inse security in Nigeria. Nobody can say anything about it. Don't think I'm I'm just I'm just talking about security. Let me know wherever you are.
So if there's anything that happen wherever you are, we know where to place that reason why I'm shouting. I was even discussing with her about I said if you have money, keep your money. Whenever you are given any money, you have anything you said I want to buy this, I want to buy that. I said import is not advisable now >> that if you see anybody giving you anything now appreciate that person and know how to keep money now it is not everything that you be saying I want to buy this I want to buy that at your head you should be able to say don't buy anything that's what I did >> this to this money >> that is how we set everything >> thank you need to prepare there's no I said let me transfer money to you go and get it and she went to the market to get it and prepare everything and that is >> how we settle it.
>> You know our teenagers now want you to study them very well.
>> If you don't study them, you just be shouting, crying, do all that and the pain will be too much for you as a parent.
>> I I remember I went to her school about a month ago and I talked to her and other friends but but I know she's He switch to his life. He will not even call you.
He can call you once in a week. He just said, "My mommy, good morning." But by the time I see my mother, I know she's not in need of something.
So these are the kind of we have now. As a parent, if you continue shouting, doing all this, you are only affecting our heads. The only thing they do is to study them, to be calm, >> to pray for them.
Because because of the kind of people they now moving with especially where they are already in the highest school now >> they move with a lot of people they see a lot of things. So at times you be saying something they be saying another thing now they will prove to you that they know more than >> so as a parent you just have to come down to their level >> just because I corrected her yesterday that because of the festival going on cannot travel from one place to the other. First of all, and I didn't see anything once I correct you, I just later this morning I said, "Are you say I'm not going because you said I should not go?"
I said, "No, I'm not saying you should not move." I said the first period this time around there's a lot of there's a lot of tambourine going on. There's no need for you to move now. You can move the other day. And he said, I said, "When are you now leaving?" I'm not leaving today. I'm leaving on Sunday. I said, "Praise God." That is all. But before we get to this, it was a tug of war.
>> Look at it was a tug of war between two.
We can be as if two are fighting because he be proving to you that he knows what he's doing. He be proving to you that he knows more than study her come down come down to her level now. So you don't ask for if I did I as you do this you ask me to give but you didn't remind me look at that if you remind me I will know what you and I said you to be reminding you all the time when you are in school you expect your to have that one >> so this one is keep on reminding me. I go. So it is only God that can help us parents with the situation we find oursel with the teenagers now.
>> They behave as if they behave as if they not going to lose them.
So you just have to look as if you don't see anything to be don't that what you can do now.
>> Amen.
>> Thank you very much.
>> Yeah. Thank you so much for your time.
like um even I listening alone I I like I've learned a lot from you as well and um yeah you actually like did the right thing with um how you handled the scenario. Uh most times especially when they've passed um from like their 12 the best time to capture them is when they early when they in their 12 and 13. how you handle it in those early years actually show when they in their like late teens and young adults.
um even when they in their younger like the 17 and 18 now it's still not too late and the way um Madame Malawi is handling it now is so much better and it it would help him better than when it was a tug of war because when um children start acting that way and your own reaction is you are matching their energy like the way they you are matching their energy it does not fix them. It just gives them more energy to like counter you, right? So, um yeah, the perfect answer is you staying calm, you acknowledging even your own feelings. Like I was worried the way you told him that you were worried. You were not even angry that he he went somewhere else. But you just need to understand you are just worried that um number one thing for early things how you can counter that is letting them know that you are even um worried that they could not tell you that because for the success of this is let's say your child decides to go somewhere else instead of where they said they were going. It is successful like all your training is successful if that child felt the need to tell you rather than hide it from you.
Right? So you should be more worried about why they did not actually tell you.
That is what should that that is what should be the basis of your conversation. Not even the fact that they went anywhere. The basis of your conversation with them should be about the trust. The fact that they did not trust you enough to tell you that they had a change of plan or this is where I intentionally want to go because some of them it is that place they went to go that they intentionally want to go. They just gave you the other one as okay that's the one they know that you would accept.
Right? So where the um heading of that conversation should go should be the trust that they do not trust you enough to let you know. So when you are able to um bridge that you know gap of trust then you can like have your mind rested that um in future after like that particular one they would like make better decisions. Right. Thank you so much ma for answering the second question. So I'm just going to go over everything. Thank you guys for staying till now. We really took like a whole lot of time but I'm very sure that you guys you know you got value. So I'm going to just um break down from um all the things that uh we talk about and I'll just give you like some few words.
Um from for myself what I'm taking away from this is that our teenagers are actually not broken. It's just that their brain is just still developing and they need more patience than punishment from us. We need to understand that also um every difficult behavior is actually communicating something to us. they like it's communicating an emotion and once you are able to grab the emotion that they communicating then um your job is now to get curious about that emotion what you should do about it instead of you reacting to that emotion. So when you shout at them when you you know try to force things out it is you reacting you not getting curious in helping them right. So um we talked about connection before correction. Yeah. Which is what we even still maintain in this last conversation that we had now. So try to like connect with them before actually correcting them always. Always right because when your team feels like they are close to you, they get to listen to you better. Another thing we talked about is the words you use right matters a lot. How you actually have that conversation with them matters a lot.
How you you know arrange your points matters a lot. So make sure that you choose the word that um just keep things open, right? Ask questions instead of concluding. So when you say that you why did you do this? You did that you are concluding but when you ask question okay would you let me know why you made this decision? Right? Would you let me know why you would prefer to shut the door at me instead of actually having the conversation with me? So that is you keeping it open and you you are leaving space for conversation and not um you know being in tug of war with them, right? Um another thing we talked about is oh no another thing I would like to like leave you with is uh you do not need to be a perfect parent. You just need to be like a present one for them and you're willing to unlearn all the things that you have learned that is not actually working for you and start relearning the ones that would um that would work for you because I know that a whole lot of us we've had a whole lot of you know parenting um maybe trainings like maybe the ones we got from our parents or the one we got from the street. Some of us even on our on our journey into parenthood, we've had a whole lot of things. But when you are doing those things and you see that this thing is not working for me, my child is not you know um changing also you need to learn to unlearn and start relearning new ones that would actually help you in actual sense. Right? Um if there's any question I think that we've come to the end of um this um particular conversation. So if you have any question I'm open to answering them before we call it a day.
Okay, I think we have five minutes left.
All right. So, in the absence of question, um I always say that um most of us especially myself, we didn't get a blueprint into parenthood. So, for me, I decided that I'm going to build one for myself. And that is what I actually started teaching, you know, uh parents right now. So, we can all you know, we can all do that. So, thank you for being here today and um thank you by the way.
>> Thank you.
Really appreciate you.
>> Thank you so much.
>> You're welcome. Thank you.
>> Thank you too. How did I get here?
>> All right. have an amazing day.
>> Yeah.
>> Thank you.
>> But how did I did I
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