REAL Reason I Stopped Posting After My Last Crash Out

Added: 2026-05-12

[00:00:00]Well, I did it bros.

[00:00:03]It's May 7th, 2026.

[00:00:07]And I know it's been a while.

[00:00:09]And I'm going to finally explain why, at least this last little bit, why I haven't been here. Over the last few months. I didn't say it. I didn't want to talk about it on here. I made some videos, but it [clears throat] was actually a very specific reason.

[00:00:27]So, to you, anyone that's new here, I'm Crush Akuma. This is my weight loss vlog I started in November 2023.

[00:00:34]I was 546 lb.

[00:00:37]And then, between then and October last November of last year, I got down to low four, about 415 or so.

[00:00:50]415, 420, somewhere in there was my lowest.

[00:00:54]And then I just completely crashed out.

[00:00:57]And more or less, it's just I've been fighting this battle my whole life. I've been over 400 lb since I was 12, over 300 lb since I was 11, etc. You know, it's just I don't know how to be anything other than massive. So, it's a bit it's a psychological thing for me.

[00:01:14]You know, it's uh And also there's uh there's a part of me that's an addict.

[00:01:20]Food is my drug.

[00:01:22]You know, I've had a few drugs in my life.

[00:01:24]Cigarettes for about 20 years.

[00:01:27]Weed for about 10, 12 years, 15, about 13 years.

[00:01:34]Um food But food is all food is the main thing. And then, so it was I quit all of those.

[00:01:43]I mean, I quit smoking weed like five, six, seven years ago. I mean, I think I've smoked like three times in last five years.

[00:01:50]Um I drank eight times now since November 2023.

[00:01:58]And I quit smoking 5 years ago.

[00:02:03]And then I fully quit nicotine last year sometime.

[00:02:07]Actually Actually it was at this year. I actually don't know what how long it's been now.

[00:02:12]I think it was in January.

[00:02:15]I don't know. But anyways, within the last like 4 to 6 months I quit nicotine fully. I was taking the pouches. Now going into psychology of it, I I think there's I mean there's a lot of things that went into why I had this last big crash out. Um I'm not going to go into the family stuff too much, but there's stuff there.

[00:02:32]I mean I'm real isolated where I'm at. Uh I have no family around me.

[00:02:37]Uh the closest family member to me is like a thousand miles.

[00:02:40]Um I think one of them is that you know, there's just a part of my brain that wants to do the naughty thing. You know, I I grew up rough. I lived rough. I've been I'm very I'm fairly rebellious although I have my my own business and >> [sighs] >> but there's a part of me that just wants to do the naughty thing. So, you know, and that's cigarettes was a naughty thing. Like I it literally tranquilized me. It cigarettes would all bring my energy down and there's [clears throat] a period of my life where that was actually very useful.

[00:03:14]Um kept me out of trouble.

[00:03:16]I I knew 400 lb is going to be a big That's a big key. I've broken it twice.

[00:03:21]I've broken it twice.

[00:03:23]Once when I was 19 and once in uh 2020.

[00:03:27]Very briefly I've talked about that on the channel before.

[00:03:31]Um >> [clears throat] >> not going to go into it big here, but for literally like a maybe a week or two I got under 400 lb. I think 380 385 would be the No, I don't even know that I got that low when I was 19, but I know [clears throat] I got the 390s very for like 1 or 2 weeks in 2020. And then that that month and a half or so leading into that massive crash out I it was I finally was getting [ __ ] dialed.

[00:03:59]Finally was getting [ __ ] figured out for me, my system, what works for me.

[00:04:03]And that was like the best The only other month that compared to that was March and April of 2000 24. I had those were that was a good month. I went from like 470 down to the 450s.

[00:04:16]And I really locked in.

[00:04:20]>> [clears throat and cough] >> And then other than that it's been, you know, I've been like this, you know, I've had multiple binges for a week or two, but then, you know, I'd come back and everything and I've always been very obvious I've documented all on this channel been very obvious upfront honest and everything.

[00:04:35]Um >> [clears throat and cough] >> So, anyways regardless of why I did it, I did it.

[00:04:42]Crashed out, gained all of it back, literally was 530 lbs again.

[00:04:48]I think I ended up I weighed out what I weighed in when I get on here I was 526.

[00:04:54]And uh And then so I just took a little bit to think about it and you know, I'm I'm on this weight loss journey and this isn't just a you know, this is something I've been trying wanting to do my whole life. Like I've wanted to lose weight. At least a part of me has, not all of me or I would have done it. You know, there's a big part of me that doesn't want to and I've talked about that.

[00:05:16]You know, basically this is my body armor, it's protecting me. Um you know, it's done a lot of good things. There's a part of me that's that's scared to lose this fat. There's a lot of trauma and emotion and [ __ ] that's buried in this fat. You have a lot of [ __ ] that's stored in your fat.

[00:05:32]And uh And [clears throat] there is a lot of [ __ ] buried under 380 lbs I can tell you. So So in any case, >> [clears throat] >> when I hit that 415 mark I just completely crashed out.

[00:05:47]And then I got to thinking, you know, why am I What is the real reason I'm losing this weight?

[00:05:53]>> [snorts] >> You know, why am I doing the social media?

[00:05:57]I knew why I was doing the social media.

[00:05:59]You know, I mean, it's always been to inspire my 17-year-old self to make the change sooner.

[00:06:06]You know, among other things, that was like one of the main things like >> [clears throat] >> if I would have saw my channel when I was 17, you know, would it have inspired me? And so that's kind of been my goal. The only time in my entire life I had ever had any success was on this with social media. The only time I ever lost any weight, ever worked out, was only when I had the camera on.

[00:06:29]It's the only time in my life. The only time I ever actually worked out, dialed in, had any success was on with social media.

[00:06:38]And then so it's like, well, that was when when I thought about that, you know, that was very made, you know, very I got very insecure. It's like, well, what the [ __ ] So you don't want to sit there and lose this bunch of weight and then have no reason, no purpose, like you know, I I didn't I needed So then I just was like, can I even lose this weight without social media?

[00:07:04]Can I only am I only capable of functioning in this capacity with the [ __ ] camera in my face?

[00:07:14]Well, that's the question I wanted to answer over the last few months, and I've done that.

[00:07:20]When I started this, I promised to do a 250-lb weight loss journey live as it happens.

[00:07:26]And from 530 lb down to 415, 420, I did that.

[00:07:32]Then I crashed out and got all the way back to 526.

[00:07:38]Well, y'all didn't need to see the second time.

[00:07:41]So I decided to do it for myself.

[00:07:44]And I had some [ __ ] going on in my life I needed to take care of and all that.

[00:07:49]And so, I basically turned the camera off.

[00:07:52]I really want to say anything.

[00:07:54]Plus, I didn't even know I didn't even know if I was going to keep doing social media. I didn't know exactly what. I just cuz I would have talked the instant I said the words I would have it would have talked talked myself out of it and and then it would have been like I I didn't want to fail or I don't know exactly why, but I just wanted to do it.

[00:08:13]And I don't know exactly what I weigh right now. We're going to do a weigh-in here in a little bit, but Um actually, I haven't even weighed in in a few weeks, but this is without a doubt the last few months has been the most success I've ever had.

[00:08:31]You know I mean, I've cuz I've been very aggressive with the diet and all that and it's what I want to do at the end of the day.

[00:08:38]I'm going to work out and travel, trade futures and options, do some live streaming, and that's how I want my on my own income to come from a mixture of all that.

[00:08:50]And uh travel around and do a lot of stuff and make vlogs and do a lot of cool [ __ ] on here. But, I needed to know that the weight was more than just the social media.

[00:09:00]That I I was losing this weight for more than just the dopamine hits from the comments and stuff.

[00:09:07]And I feel like I've answered that question cuz I've actually had more success um the last few months than than I have.

[00:09:16]And uh cuz other than the last few months I the only time I've ever worked out y'all have seen it. It's on the channel. I've never worked out one time off camera.

[00:09:25]Outside the last few months.

[00:09:32]And I had to know if there was more to it than that.

[00:09:37]Because I don't want to be the rest of my life, man.

[00:09:46]>> [snorts] [sighs] [sighs and gasps] [panting] >> I don't want to be a room just living in a box for the rest of my life.

[00:10:15]>> [snorts] [sighs] >> This [ __ ] ain't a joke to me, man.

[00:10:25]I know it probably seems frustrating a lot of people because it's, you know, I'm so genetically gifted and all that.

[00:10:30]It should be easy. It's just don't put it in your mouth and just work out. It's so easy and all that.

[00:10:35]And [ __ ] you. You don't understand, bro.

[00:10:37]>> [sighs] >> And I And I appreciate all of y'all.

[00:10:44]I mean, there's some of y'all I just I would [ __ ] strangle if I could and get in not get in trouble, but for the most part >> [snorts] >> I mean, I I I I really I mean, I'm very thankful. I I appreciate all of y'all.

[00:10:56]>> [snorts] >> And uh I don't take y'all for granted.

[00:11:04]But I had to prove to myself that I could do this without a [ __ ] camera in my face.

[00:11:10]And I don't I don't think I'm in I don't think I'm down to my low, but I bet a lot of y'all would be surprised how low I am.

[00:11:18]And >> [clears throat] >> I also took me a while, but I finally got another job, which I'm happy that I have, but I'll be honest, I'm not excited about. I never I don't you know, this is what I want to do.

[00:11:35]But, I haven't really done it done anything to make that a reality, and a lot of that's been cycle psychological.

[00:11:41]Again, I'm battling with the whole part of like you know, being such like I don't want to be recognized when I walk into a store. Like that is, you know, that's the last thing on Earth that I want, whether you believe that or not.

[00:11:56]But, to have the impact that I want to have, to live the life that I want to live, to do the things that I want to do, you know, >> [clears throat] >> that's what it's got it's got to happen.

[00:12:10]Now, I I expect trading to be the main source of my income eventually.

[00:12:16]But, I >> [clears throat] >> I can't even start doing that yet because I I had to use everything that I had to Well, it doesn't matter. I had what I needed.

[00:12:27]And uh I got a job exactly when I needed it.

[00:12:32]Unfortunately, with my field, even though I'm licensed and everything, there's a bunch of [ __ ] you got to go through you're going through the hiring, so I'm not going to get a full check for like a month. It's time for me to start making content again. It's time to start making videos.

[00:12:49]It's time to start streaming. It's time to start taking this [ __ ] seriously like I started taking this weight loss seriously a few months ago.

[00:12:57]So, I appreciate all y'all. I hope y'all understand that. I love y'all.

[00:13:03]And I hope y'all are ready for the journey to continue cuz it's time.

[00:13:10]And I hope y'all I hope y'all are satisfied with the explanation that I finally gave.

[00:13:17]And I hope y'all understand why I did what I did, why I wouldn't say anything.

[00:13:24]And that's [clears throat] again, that's just the last few months. And all this [ __ ] before that, that was real. All the crash outs, binges, like none of that was [ __ ] It's just [snorts] the last few months the reason. Specifically, the main reason I didn't post was exactly why I explained I needed to prove that I could do it without a camera in my face.

[00:13:41]All right. Let's do this weigh-in.

[00:13:44]>> [clears throat] >> Kapowski.

[00:14:24]Yeah, well, there you go. So, right at 440.

[00:14:27]It's about That's what I expected, somewhere 430, 440. So, very happy with that. Again, all the all that been waiting patiently for the show to continue or maybe and some people could argue get started.

[00:14:41]I hope you're ready.