I want to be social

Added: 2026-05-24

[00:00:02]Welcome back to my channel. If this is the first time you're seeing me, hello.

[00:00:09]My name is Emma. I'm 26. I'm from Sweden. And on this channel, I document my attempts at becoming a better person.

[00:00:17]If you're interested in seeing how that has been going or if you want to know the details about it, you can watch my previous videos. But to make a long story short, that is the purpose of my channel.

[00:00:27]>> [snorts] >> So, we are outside again. It is I think what is it? My apologies for taking some time. It is 23° C. It's not too sunny, but that's okay because that means I can open my eyes fully. And it's very warm, so I decided to get outside because why not?

[00:00:56]Uh also there have been people complaining that I should cover up and that I am wearing like revealing outfits because I want views or something. I don't. I could care less about views. That's not what the point of this channel is about. But for those who do think that uh this video is not going to make it better because whenever I do my outside videos, I always do a fit check. And today is no different because it's so warm today. I decided to wear shorts.

[00:01:42]But they are so short.

[00:01:50]So, it it wouldn't have been much of a difference if I wore a bikini.

[00:02:00]My hair is in my eyes. This is the type of outfit my late grandfather would have called me a [ __ ] for wearing, but um let's not put too much blame on him for saying that because let's be real, he's got a point.

[00:02:15]So, there's that.

[00:02:19]But it's warm and I'm sweaty. Okay, I sweat a lot. Uh, so the more clothes I wear, the more drenched I get. And so this is actually the most comfortable type of clothing I can wear right now.

[00:02:37]So please don't bother me about that.

[00:02:40]Okay? Just call me all the names in the book that you want, but just it's not that big of a deal is what I'm trying to say.

[00:02:51]Also, in my last video outside, it was a lot of noise from the wind hitting the AirPods, and people were really bothered by it, and I was also really bothered by it. So, now if I notice that there are strong winds blowing, I'm going to do this to hopefully not make that much sound. I don't know if it's going to work, but let's hope.

[00:03:22]Whenever I do videos outside, I always do it while smoking cigarettes. And people have a lot to say about it, understandably, and that, oh, cigarettes isn't good for you, whatever.

[00:03:38]Listen, the wind is here.

[00:03:46]I hope it doesn't make too much noise.

[00:03:50][clears throat] True freedom is being in control of your own destruction.

[00:03:59]Let me be free.

[00:04:07]I make my own choices.

[00:04:13]So, what I've been talking about up until now has nothing to do with what I actually want to talk about in this video. Uh, I just figured, you know, these are some things that I figured be good to know. What I actually want to talk about is the fact that I want to become more social.

[00:04:35]That's literally it. I want to be more social.

[00:04:41]No wind.

[00:04:47]Uh, I've said quite a few times that I have social phobia and it might seem like I making too big of a deal out of it, but for those that don't understand how difficult social phobia actually is to deal with.

[00:05:20]I mean, it's impossible to explain.

[00:05:24]No wind.

[00:05:27]No winds can hurt the quality of this video.

[00:05:32]Uh, this looks silly, but I got to do what I got to do. Okay, it might seem like I'm making a big deal out of having social phobia, but that is because it has caused so many problems. It is making everything so difficult. It's so hard to deal with.

[00:05:57]It really, what's the word?

[00:06:05]It greatly reduces the quality of life unfortunately.

[00:06:16]And so I can't help but be upset about it. Like I want to have a good life and I am making an effort into making my life better.

[00:06:32]That's what the whole point of this channel is about anyway.

[00:06:46]I don't know. I hate having social phobia. I just I hate it. That's It makes it so hard to get out of your shell.

[00:07:00]It makes it hard to remind people that you exist.

[00:07:06]I'm here.

[00:07:08]I'm a person. I exist.

[00:07:11]But telling or letting other people know that yes, I do in fact exist, it's frightening.

[00:07:23]It's very nerve-wracking.

[00:07:28]I want to meet more people is what I've been trying to get at for I don't know how long. I want to have the ability to introduce myself to others so that I have something to do, people to discuss with. And listen, I it's not that I want other people to know about me. It is me wanting to know other people.

[00:07:54]It's not about me.

[00:07:57]It's that life as of right now is very boring for me.

[00:08:06]Nothing ever happens. as I have said many times and it gets so boring and it's just so mundane and I want it to change.

[00:08:32]I want it to change. And one of the best ways that I can think of making life more enjoyable is by getting to know interesting people because interesting people are interesting. That's just one and one makes two, you know, and where social phobia is so hard. So I get I mean I've said this so many times.

[00:09:04]Honestly, it's not a new thing. I'm scared of introducing myself to other people. I'm scared of like existing really, which is essentially what social phobia is. So, there are a bunch of bugs here, so I might get distracted every once in a while.

[00:09:37]I don't know this whole tangent that I've been going on. It's just it's Yeah, social phobia makes you scared of introducing yourself to other people.

[00:09:48]What's new? I've said it th well I don't know thousands of time. I might not have said it, but I've said it enough.

[00:09:57]to the point where it's not news.

[00:10:00]So, I don't I'm not entirely sure why I keep bringing it up, but seriously, I want to meet more people. I want to be more social. I want to be more social.

[00:10:09]That is the whole point of this video.

[00:10:13]How?

[00:10:19]How?

[00:10:27]There are so many wonderful people in this world that I would love to get to know that are so inspiring and so smart and so wonderful to be around and just really lovely and I would love nothing more than to meet these people and get to know them, but I'm too scared of taking the first step of introducing myself.

[00:11:01]It probably looks very silly with me sitting like this pretending that I can't hear, but it's I'm I hope it makes a difference in the sound quality because when the wind blows straight into the airport, it gets this well it it makes a noise that isn't fun. So, I'm trying to avoid it.

[00:11:22]We have a drink.

[00:11:26]Cheers.

[00:11:30]But yeah, as I was saying, there are so many wonderful people in this world that I would love to meet, but I'm too scared to initiate meeting them, which I guess would be by introducing yourself and well, meeting them, I guess, getting to know them, all that sort of stuff.

[00:11:53]You know the classics, the way you usually make friends.

[00:12:07]Why does it have to be this difficult to make things sound right?

[00:12:22]I have been doing a lot of thinking and chatting with my shrink and together with him. I have this theory that the social phobia started due to unfortunate circumstances that nobody really could do anything about.

[00:13:03]I don't know if that's specific to explain it. Um, growing up I also felt like well I was very shy to begin with but um there were times and still is to this day and will probably be forever.

[00:13:32]There are times where there is this very very obvious difference between me and other people.

[00:13:47]Not in that I am it's not that I work in a different sort of way like I don't function any differently I don't think but rather they have something I don't maybe it's social confidence or maybe it's something else that's just a guess for me. But I I have felt this I have felt this throughout my entire life and um the theory that I have and that I have also told to my shrink which I don't know if he agrees with it but he said that well it's a very good observation is what he said. So, I guess that's something. But the theory that I have is that I never properly learned how to socialize.

[00:15:03]And because I never properly learned how to socialize, I lack the ability to be confident in my social skills, which in turn lead to scent of social phobia.

[00:15:23]It looks windy, but it's very warm, so it feels very nice to be honest.

[00:15:35]And um I have a feeling there's going to be people saying that oh yeah, there could be autism.

[00:15:47]It's not going through the testing which it sounds stupid but like I got checked for autism twice and both times it came out that or the goodness I hate the wind especially in times like these but I did that autism evaluation twice and both times the conclusion was that no it's not autism and even when not doing the autism evaluation or whatever you call it professionals that I have been talking to have not seen signs of autism.

[00:16:35]So, it's not autism.

[00:16:42]And I don't recognize myself with autism symptoms anyway. So, I don't know what to say. It's not autism.

[00:16:50]That's and me not learning proper social what is it me not knowing how to socialize properly. It is it's the type of thing that you learn in childhood. But for me, childhood was about survival.

[00:17:21]And so I couldn't focus on developing my social skills properly because I was too busy trying to survive.

[00:17:33]And so it never happened, I guess.

[00:17:41]And uh there's a saying in Swedish that goes which means you can't teach an old dog to sit which is that essentially when someone has been doing something for so long that it becomes a part of who they are.

[00:18:02]The older they are the more difficult it is to change this habit of theirs. And for me this habit is bad social skills.

[00:18:14]So I don't know.

[00:18:33]I just want to meet interesting people.

[00:18:48]I have been trying to get out more, meet more people actually.

[00:18:54]Uh without getting too much into it, current treatment plan that I have with my shrink is that I am going to start some sort of activity where I leave my it's kind of like a job and It's it's like a job without actually being a job.

[00:19:28]It's it's joblike activities not for the sake of getting paid but for the sake of seeing how I interact with others around me because that's when my behaviors and personality traits show the And it is the behaviors and personality traits that we work with in therapy.

[00:20:07]So sooner or later I will be doing something that is similar to a job but isn't an actual job. It is a psych psychology treatment.

[00:20:27]psychological treatment. I don't know what the word is, but once or twice I have been getting comments like get a job and that kind of solves the problem. So, there's that.

[00:20:45]For those wondering, the reason why I don't have a job is because I'm on a sort of disability due to the psychological issues or what have you.

[00:20:56]So I don't I don't to those who say that I should get a job. I wish I could.

[00:21:09]I wish I could. I really do.

[00:21:13]I want normal life where I can have a job, where I can interact with others, where I can live an independent life and do whatever I want.

[00:21:25]uh within reasonable means of course, but there are things in here that make it incredibly difficult or excuse me, just straight up make it impossible. That is why I'm on this ability. So if you have questions about that hopefully they have been answered now currently my biggest desire is to get in touch with other people and I'm not I'm not gonna I'm not going to pretend as if It's going to be easy. There might be people reaching out or whatever.

[00:22:25]Let's say, hey, you can reach out to me. I want what is it?

[00:22:32]You can be friends with me or you can practice your social skills with me or what have you.

[00:22:42]I am still in a state where most likely I will decline the offer.

[00:22:49]Oh no.

[00:22:58]As I was saying, most likely even now a ladybug.

[00:23:05]One moment.

[00:23:14]Oh my god.

[00:23:17]Come here.

[00:23:22]My apologies. I love ladybugs, so I really want to show this.

[00:23:28]Where is it? Where did you go?

[00:23:36]Maybe it flew away.

[00:23:42]It probably did.

[00:23:46]Oh no.

[00:23:52]Oh well. Worst things have happened. Um In case I fail to improve the sound by hold copying my hands over the AirPods, I do apologize.

[00:24:13]One day I hope to get a microphone that is good enough for me to use outside.

[00:24:26]But that day is not today.

[00:24:35]Hopefully one day that day will come.

[00:24:38]Um, I don't know.

[00:24:51]Oh, Jesus. 24 minutes. Uh yeah, I'll keep this short. I think we'll see.

[00:25:03]What?

[00:25:05]This whole video just I don't know. I'm so conf I'm confused about everything.

[00:25:15]Everything in my life I'm very confused about. Oh, the sun is here.

[00:25:21]Yay.

[00:25:25]this outfit with this top and the hoop earrings and the long wavy hair. It kind of makes me feel like that lady from the I don't know if this is what the movie is called, but the bell ringer from Notradam.

[00:25:42]And there is a woman in that movie who has I think hoop earrings, long wavy hair, and a white top like this or similar to this. I kind of feel like her, but I haven't seen the movie. I know enough about it to know what it's about, but I haven't actually seen the movie because I don't have access to it or I don't have any like I I don't even have anywhere to watch the movie to begin with. And I also feel like this shorts and top and whatever kind of looks or it's kind of giving Sydney Sweeney and Euphoria, which I haven't watched either because I can't afford any streaming services.

[00:26:28]So, I'm not complaining though. I don't really like to spend my time too much with screens.

[00:26:36]I would prefer to spend my time by talking with others, but I don't know.

[00:26:51]That's just not the way things have worked out. I'm really upset about not being able to show that ladybug.

[00:26:59]Why? What are you going to do?

[00:27:07]Oops.

[00:27:11]Did my earring fall off again? Oh my god, it did. What is wrong with Do I have to get a new earring?

[00:27:21]Anyways, what I've been wanting to say with this entire video is I want to meet more people, but I'm very scared of it. So, I want to meet more people, but I'm very scared of it because I have social phobia. So, I'm struggling with it. But I really do want to meet more people. I don't want to meet more people because I want to I want more people to know about me, but I want to know about people because I'm interested in what other people have to say and what they do and how they think and act and what they do. Other people have very interesting stories. And I mean, are you going to blame me for being interested in others?

[00:28:13]feel free.

[00:28:21]Um, I guess that's it.

[00:28:26]The video is getting too long and I don't want it to. So, with all that being said, thank you for watching.

[00:28:36]I hope it made you think a little bit or whatever. I don't know. But um we'll see when the next video comes out.

[00:28:45]Maybe sooner, maybe later.

[00:28:50]Well, anyways, thanks for watching and uh take