Richter’s candid reflection serves as a vital autopsy of the "functional but hollow" marriage, highlighting the peril of mistaking shared logistics for genuine connection. It is a rare moment of grounded psychological clarity in the often superficial landscape of celebrity podcasts.
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Mohr Stories 566: Andy RichterAjouté :
Put your name on it. Just put your name on it. That's all I say. Be a man or a woman. Put your name on it. [music] [music] >> That's a pretty good man, isn't it?
>> You uh just used the restroom. I want to ask Joe and Kyle, out of all the guests we've ever had, who do you think had the loudest, strongest stream?
>> There's one that stands out.
Edelman was very strong. I have >> What do you want?
>> I have a very uh >> When you when you're a Jewish NFL player, you have to have a >> You got to cut diamonds with him.
>> I wasn't here for Connor, but Conor's the winner. Connor was from Love on the Spectrum. Connor >> Oh, wow.
>> He was I I knew he Kyle, remember? I was like, I knew he had to pee and I wish I brought it up cuz it was a good half hour and he's like he would go he would straighten his legs [laughter] out like one of those like party things on New Year's. He would just in the middle of talking he would go and uh >> and I was like I've never seen him do that on the show. I I >> could I [laughter] be so bothersome as to >> use your restroom?
>> Yeah. Yeah.
It [snorts] sounded like Thor, Hammer of the Gods in there. Like he might as well have just been throwing rocks at a well.
>> Yeah, I know. Was I was Were you judging mine? I wasn't.
>> I didn't hear it. Oh.
>> Oh, yeah.
>> Guy's our age.
>> Well, I know I pissed in the sink, just so you were [laughter] >> Have you ever pissed? Of course you have.
>> Of course I pissed in the sink.
>> Yeah, my roommates in New York have no idea how many times when I woke up in the middle of the night and I just got on my tippy toes and pissed in the sink.
Like, I'm not waiting. I had a my first my first uh dressing room at late night with Conan O'Brien.
>> You were on Conan O'Brien? How many times did you do it?
>> No, no, no. I was a regular there and you know that.
>> Sorry.
>> You tried to humiliate me on the internet.
>> Nobody's trying to humiliate. Um No, but it was it was literally I had a a love seat and like a rack and then a sink. It was like I could rack, you know, like a clothing rack, you know, >> in case you brought your garment bag like Frankie Valley.
>> Yeah. No, it was but and a little sink and a and a counter. And it's like I pissed in that sink every day cuz I >> Where was the restroom in relation to Oh, it's like down It's Studio 9, right?
>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Where? Oh, no. Was uh on six >> six >> and uh and and but yeah, it was like down the hall by the elevators.
>> Yeah. I don't have time. I'm I'm a sink guy.
>> Can I pee in piss in the sink?
>> Of course. Whenever.
>> Absolutely. Yeah.
>> You're like 6'4.
>> Yeah.
>> Yeah. That's got to be I had to go on my You had to go in your tippy toes, right?
>> Uh >> that's why you got those great calves and absolutely hairless legs. Are you a [ __ ] chipa?
>> No. No. People ask me like they're like, "Do you shave your I'm I I have never been hairy and I'm 59 now and within like the last six or seven years, the hair on my body just decided to quit and just went away."
>> On your body? On your head? You got a nice head of hair on? Yeah, I got a pretty decent head of hair and I still have pubes. Uh, but [laughter] I got some hair on my [ __ ] if you all must know. And I know you were thinking it. Um, but like like I just just I just happened to be going through some old pictures looking for something and I saw a picture of myself and it cuz it was like shortly after I got divorced, but I I went to Hawaii with my daughter and got terribly sunburned and took a picture of my sunburn and like I still had hair on chest on my on my chest on my belly and now it's like just not there anymore.
>> I've never heard of a guy losing is that considered pubic hair? It's a Well, it it happened like it happened to my dad like it's like and my dad's not real hairy either. Like I never could grow a good beard, you know? Like I just kind of It's kind of like I can grow a goatee and then there's like a couple of whiskers waving at each other, you know, over here from a distance.
>> Yeah. Mine doesn't go down my beard. It goes out.
>> Oh, does it?
>> Yeah. Where I just look like >> like Martin Van Beern.
>> Yeah. I Yeah. Now you're speaking my language. That's my favorite look.
That's why I love Death by Lightning so much on Netflix.
>> You would have been great on it.
>> Death by Lightning. I don't know.
>> Uh it was about Garfield.
>> Oh, >> no. Um Chester A. Arthur or Garfield once.
>> It was a series on >> Yeah, there's four episodes. Who? You got to look that up for me real quick.
Uh this doesn't happen on other podcasts. The >> He's from Ohio and he gets he just go he's asked to give a speech for someone else. Yeah. for the uh electoral college voting and whatever, >> right?
>> When they all did it in a big hall and uh we got it.
>> Yeah. Yeah. It's James A. Garfield.
President James A. Garfield.
>> Garfield.
>> Nick Offerman >> and Chester A. Arthur succeeded. Succeeded him.
>> Played by Nick Offerman.
>> Yeah.
>> Was Garfield shot?
>> Yes. By assassin Charles J. Gut.
>> What was that? GU >> French two Charles and the guy that played him was exceptional. So he gives the speech, they cast all their votes, and at the his speech is incredible. And at the very end, it's like, and one for Garfield, and he's like, "All right, that's crazy." And they just c they keep deadlocking with the electoral college.
And then it's like, "And two for Garfield." And then after I think a day and a half, two days, it's like and the and the entire state of something, [ __ ] it, all of them for for everybody goes, I didn't want to say it, but he seems like the best. So then he just steamrolls the other guys. I got goosebumps.
>> I I love this stuff, man.
>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
>> And then he's like, I'm not going to serve and I'm not going to live in the White House.
>> Yeah.
>> And they're like, ah, you'll be all right. So then he goes back to Ohio and anybody that wanted to have any government business, they had to go take a horse and buggy to Ohio and meet him on his porch.
>> Then he gets talked into the White House and he has it open to the public at every Thursday and Friday. You could just stand in line and talk to him and they're like, "You're going to get assassinated." And it's big death by assassination is like death by lightning.
>> Yeah.
>> It's just if it's going to happen, there's nothing.
>> Right. Right. Right.
>> Yeah. But he was a cool guy. Seemed Seemed But he had the nice >> Where did the lasagna come in?
>> Lasagna.
>> It's Garfield.
>> Oh.
>> Oh dear. [laughter] >> I like that it doesn't turn off until you hit it again.
>> It just keeps going.
>> Yeah. My wife got this for me. She goes, "I think that you might like this." I'm like, "With Joe?" Are you kidding me?
>> Speaking of which, my wife's in the woods.
No, no tree. You got frog tree singing.
Tree frogs [snorts] across.
>> So many frogs. It's so They're up there now doing it.
>> Yeah. Yeah. I could hear tree frogs across the >> I love how happy you are about.
>> Yeah. No. I was like tree frogs.
>> It sounds like crickets, but it ain't.
>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
>> And they're [ __ ] >> They be If you pull them out, there's they're stacked on each other like four at a time.
>> There you go.
>> Like lasagna. [laughter] >> Frog.
>> No. My son there's a little pond over here and they were My son was like pulling them out of a pipe. He was like five.
>> Yeah. Yeah. And when you pull them out, they're all stacked on top of each other like, "Well, look, they're playing."
[laughter] He's like, "Look, they're all playing piggyback." I'm like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gooey piggyback." But that night in bed, I'm tucking them in. He goes, "Daddy." I go, "Yeah." He goes, >> "I never saw a frog before."
>> It was like the sweetest thing. I He was like, "Dr. Dittle with these." He was like regulating the other kids. Like, that's not how they like to be held.
>> Oh, wow.
>> Yeah.
>> Do you ever have pet frogs? Any reptiles?
>> No, but we amphibians. I where I grew up. Uh I my grandparents like we grew up on land that was in our family for years in Illinois and then we had a pond in our backyard and like down there was like our yard and then it went down a hill and there was a pond and then it kind of was into like some creek bottomland wood and and I we used to catch you know I would catch frogs and I wouldn't you know just like just to catch them just to you know like as a kid. Yeah.
>> It's like you got a summer a day in summertime like I'll just go spend two hours catching frogs, holding them, letting them go, and then catching another one. You know, >> they pee on your hands >> sometimes. Yeah.
>> Yeah. Down the shore.
>> Toads would do that, too. Toads would secrete a They're secretreting a toxin.
>> Jesus.
>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
>> That's why me and my sisters were all in a >> [ __ ] up.
>> Yeah. We're bumping into licking walls and warts.
>> Yeah. My grandfather used like, "Don't pick them up. You get warts." He also said you got warts by kissing. I won't say it. Uh >> what? Oh, it's something racist.
>> Yeah. Horribly.
>> Okay. [laughter] >> You know what that's from? Like Joe's got a fever blister on his lip. He go, "You know who that's from?"
>> Oh, boy. Yeah. Yeah.
>> That's from Kissing Polock. No, except he didn't say >> Yeah. Yeah. [laughter] >> the Let's let the dead be dead. I'm so happy how excited Andy got for frogs.
>> Yeah. No, I was thrilled. I love that sound. I love that sound.
>> Do you What if you if I I got a karaoke machine upstairs. If I if I bring it down here, >> what would you be searching for? What what what would you do?
>> Oh my gosh, there's so many good songs. Um, did you ever come up with your answer? All He Thinks All Vamp.
>> Yeah.
>> Um, well, >> all night long. Lo Richie.
>> That's a good one.
>> There's a my old go-to when years ago I did a show with people and we would go and do karaoke like on a regular basis out here at Kelbows. Do you remember Kellos?
>> It was u it's on it's either Bington or Bundy.
>> Oh, it's over here.
>> Yeah. Yeah. It's It's on the west side and it was And now it's a titty bar of some kind, but it's like a nautical themed titty bar now. I mean, I don't know what it is if it's even still there. I haven't been by there >> in West LA. How did How did I miss that?
>> Yeah. that uh >> it used to well there well there was a actually when it was still Kellos there was a there was a titty bar called Plan B.
>> Oh that's still there. It's right next to a middle school.
>> It was across the street from Plan B.
[clears throat] >> I was there today not at the at a meeting another place.
>> No no no lunch special. So, uh, but no, but it was called Kellos and they had it was Polynesian, like a tiki bar kind of place, multif floors, and they had pictures of like when they were the hottest jointed town and, you know, Lucy and Ricky picking up ribs to carry out, you know, and they had karaoke nights and we used to go there and sing karaoke. And my go-to was uh Goldfinger >> because it's a really good Gold Finger.
He's a man. A man with the mightest touch. You know, it's just that that's a great one.
>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
>> I think with guys with karaoke like we'll when we realize we sound good, we immediately start hamming it up.
>> Yeah. Oh, you got Well, first of all, you got to sing something fun and you got to sing a crowdleaser, you know, like >> Yeah. Like what I do in home, Stuck on You by Lionel Richie, I sing it to my wife.
>> Yeah. Yeah.
>> Like if I did that at the bar, you'd be like, "Bor >> Yeah. Come on. Come on.
>> What would I do? I You got to do like Paul Rivere by the Beasty Boys. I guess that would get people fired up.
Especially doing it with a whiffle.
>> But somebody did I was at a karaoke bar and I would never have thought to do it, but somebody did Hey ya and it was [ __ ] awesome.
>> That seems like way too much meal for this stomach.
>> The whole place went It was great. It's It would be a good one.
>> My wife's joke is people go, "What's your go-to karaoke machine?" She says, "Rocket by Herby Hancock." And it's not until they're walking away, they go, "Wait a minute.
>> That doesn't have any words."
>> By that [laughter] time, we're already in our dune buggy laugh.
>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
>> Laughing as we peel out. And did we get yours, Kyle? Ever?
>> Um [clears throat] Well, um if they ever have it, uh they used to have it at um Barney's Beanery.
>> It's a one-hour show.
>> Yeah, I know. Uh I did Monty Python sit on my face just because it's a minute.
You get in and out quick.
>> Okay. [laughter] He's keeping notes.
>> I make notes as I go. You guys >> as I go like you grew up on land report cards.
>> I like that you grew up on land.
>> I did grew up on land in Illinois. And I think by the way I think my joke I grew up on land too. I don't think that got enough jokes.
>> You know one thing I've always wanted to ask you because when we were working there we worked together on a movie.
>> Look what I wrote there. Seeing other people >> seeing other people but you told me something. It was I think you your grandfather had a company that had the best name. It was like something like the excellence group or something like that.
>> House of Excellence.
>> The House of Excellence.
>> You remember that?
>> [ __ ] yes. But I didn't remember exactly what it was, but I knew it was just I was just like >> that's such a big swing, you know, to be like, >> "Oh, and it ended terribly." Oh, did it?
>> Oh, [laughter] it became like It was like garments or something, wasn't it?
Like >> No, he was perfumes. He was president of Revlon.
>> Oh.
>> And then he branched off and did his He was like a big [ __ ] guy. Like he ran for Congress. He ran for the Senate. I think >> Jack Moore, he was a band leader. Jack Moore and the high hats. Wow.
>> He was on President Nixon's Council for the Aging. He was one of those guys like >> Wait, he he had a band and was on Revlon's board and politics >> and then started just teaching wood shop in Clinton, New Jersey, and then just became like this guy like he mowed the lawn in a suit.
>> He had his like sporty suit.
>> Right. Right. Right. He did get a little dirty >> with a different crest on it. You know, he's a member of like Heisman Club and like he was the guy. Wow.
>> And he left Revlon and he formed House of Excellence. And then when I was a kid, it was like, "Wow, they live in a mansion." I didn't realize at 8 years old it was Gray Gardens.
>> Oh. Oh.
>> And they had a lot of tenants on the fourth floor and they all went to Montlair State College. They rented out a lot of rooms. Now it'd be called a sleeper cell. Joe, [laughter] >> I was trying to get you to spit that out.
>> It was a lot of shady.
>> Wow.
>> Always Middle Eastern.
>> That's crazy.
>> No blacks.
>> Yeah. Yeah. No, different grandfather.
>> Yeah. Yeah.
>> Uh yeah, he and like you he was friends with like Ray Bulier and like Jane Mansfield, Judy, like they all his house the the basement was all pictures of him with all these celebrities when they came to Revlon.
>> Pat Boon and then um he's the reason I had the giraffe tattoo cuz he had all these giraffe statues all through the house.
>> Yeah.
>> And when he was on his deathbed, I go I'd like you to talk more in this episode, but I'm going to get this story out.
>> That's all right.
>> Uh oh god. This is right how it falls in line for you your whole life. Some guy [ __ ] taken the spotlight from a beautiful man.
>> That story sucks. Andy, let me ask you a question.
>> Yeah. Yeah. [laughter] >> Final question then. [snorts] >> Then you start again.
>> When we did Seeing Other People, that was a Gavin Palone produced movie.
>> Yes.
>> Was that an offer? Did you have to audition for that? Did any of us have to audition for that?
>> I don't I don't remember, but I I don't think so. Me, you, Josh Charles, and um >> and Brian Cranston.
>> Yeah. But me, you and Josh Charles were like the friend group.
>> The friend group. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
>> I was a TV writer. You were an executive of some kind.
>> I honestly do not remember.
>> You were almost like autistic with baseball knowledge.
>> Yes. I was the dork. The kind of loser dork.
>> Rent a porno or something. You don't have to see other people. I remember. I love that read every time you said [laughter] it. You don't have to cheat.
Rent a porno or something. Only Andy could have delivered it that way. Uh, so we were the friend group. Brian Cranston was the Oh my god.
>> Like somebody's husband, I think.
>> Yeah.
>> Like maybe a sister's husband or something.
>> Julianne Nicholson's sister who was on a sitcom with the other one from the thing. It's like my weakness. Those girly shows. But he gets caught like jacking off.
>> Oh yeah.
>> Dreaming about Julian Nicholson. So me and Julian Nicholson are married and it becomes what marriages become. The kind of spark goes out >> and so we decide since >> Blue Chu >> n with blue chew or blue chew gold my friend. Time for some action. So uh we decide since we neither one of us were like real [ __ ] around people like why don't we see other people and we'll report back.
>> I'm a TV writer so I [ __ ] everybody >> cuz they all want access.
>> She [ __ ] one guy. the gardener guy who's like this hot gardener guy.
>> Yeah. Yeah.
>> Uh white gardener place.
>> And then so I'm mad at her. It's like seeing other people not seeing other person. And she's mad at me for just [ __ ] my way through Los Angeles. And it was >> so well written by Wally Waladarski that when I went home and argued with my wife. I didn't know if I was arguing or if I was acting like I was arguing.
>> Really?
>> I've said that to somebody in that chair >> about getting stuck. Maybe it was Tbalowski. I was like, it really [ __ ] my head up.
>> Oh, really?
>> It was like the only time I was like in the weeds with a character.
>> Wow.
>> And that sex scene I didn't >> Didn't you Didn't you have a kid right at that time, too? Wasn't your kid?
>> I had Jackson. Yeah. My Yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> And the sex scene I had with Shannon Moler.
>> Okay.
>> Uh, fun fact, we found out about halfway through the day she was five months pregnant.
>> Wow.
>> Wow.
>> Just laying there with her ankles up in the air. You work fast.
>> I [laughter] Damn.
>> It's actually [clears throat] alarming.
>> Yeah, >> it was really weird and not at all sexy.
Sexy. That was my You know what was sexy? The one-on-one time with Julian Nicholson. I absolutely fell in love with her.
>> Yeah, >> I absolutely >> She's pretty great.
>> I absolutely I've been meaning to say this on this podcast for over a year.
>> Like I absolutely fell in love with her.
Like I would have ran away with her.
She's so great, too. And I mean, and it I she was in that and I don't think I had ever seen her in anything before that. And then I didn't see her anything for years. And now she's been >> [ __ ] awesome in like three different really great things, you know?
>> She's a great actress.
>> Yeah.
>> And not like my type, like the Irish lass with the freckles. Like that's not, you know, I'm way shallower than that.
[laughter] >> You know what I mean?
>> Yeah. Yeah.
>> And I was just like, I remember just running lines and being like, I get it.
>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Have you ever >> you also too I'm going to say that that uh you pestered me endlessly because you and I are very different like you you're you [laughter] [ __ ] talk all the time. used to >> you used to okay whatever >> that in those days I'm going with that whatever that was 2003 Jay Moore >> and you used to [ __ ] talk all the time and you were you would pester me and and I was happily married at the time and you would pester me and pester me like of everybody here who would you want to >> who would you like of all the women I still say that >> yeah yeah like who do who would you want to sleep with who would you and I just would brush you off and brush you off finally I'm like okay and I don't even exactly remember I know it was like somebody on the crew. I was like, "Well, that one woman, whatever." Jane, >> she I like her. She's really cool. You go to her within an hour.
>> Oh, no.
>> And [ __ ] tell her. You know who's you know you know who's got a crush on you.
>> Well, at least I said that.
>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I mean, but still, I was just like, "Godamn you, J Moore."
>> That was the first marriage.
>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, I >> So, I was just trying to help you.
[laughter] Well, I st Yeah, I stuck around for another what, 16 years? You know, >> we were just talking about this. What is it about marriage that just starts the death process of a relationship?
>> I Yeah, you talked about that with Kevin Nean and I don't What is that?
>> I don't think it I mean, I was married for 25 years.
>> Jesus Christ.
>> You know, I was married for 25 years in my first marriage. So, but I'm also like I don't know that I I don't think I don't I don't think you can generalize in that sense. I think it is.
>> First of all, I can do whatever I want.
>> Well, right. Exactly. [laughter] These are your chairs. Um I uh >> Time for Sorry, time for a Lucy break.
What? The whole show is just me doing ads. [laughter] >> Hold on a second. Speaking of divorce, Morgan and >> Legal Zoo, not only Yeah. Yeah. Um >> Morgan [laughter] is very nice. Way better than mine, >> but I um I just think it's hard to stay together with somebody. It's just really hard to stay together with somebody >> so long. How do you how 20 >> how many >> 25 years and then we were we were together like two years before that.
>> So >> So what happens? You just there was no big fights for I heard you on Neil Brennan's podcast. You did a good job talking about >> Oh, thank you. Um >> I really enjoyed it.
>> No, thank you. No, >> this is going better. [laughter] >> [ __ ] Neil Brennan. [snorts] Um >> he used to be my roommate.
>> No, I love Neil Brandon. Um I you know what happened was is the you change you know and also there's like and also um you neglect the relationship.
>> Yeah.
>> And we were still like pretty good friends and pretty like pretty good parents, you know, like nobody's perfect, but like we did a good job raising kids. We ran a household pretty well together. Like just in terms of division of labor, there wasn't a lot of like you don't do this and you don't do that. But we just stopped being married.
I think we stopped upkeeping the relationship and then and then it just kind of it and then we didn't we didn't fix it in time.
>> I mean and I don't know I don't know >> Springsteen song. I don't know that if that like if that if there was a fixing it. I think that just over time, you know, like the change like us becoming different people and us changing in different ways, it w it, you know, it might not have worked no matter how much work we threw at it. But there certainly was a point where it was just like this this is I had a moment where I was just like because it isn't like having a a a spouse a partner is very it's I I've come to realize it's about the most important thing in the world to me >> and I and I do not do well without it.
Like I could like when I was single after I got divorced, I did have this thought of like, okay, I could do this, but I don't want to do that. Like I could be single. It could just be me and my dog and my kids come over and, you know, but I don't want to do that. And um and I I I I just [clears throat] had a I had one moment where I just was like, I can't live the rest of my life. And I was very aware, too, like I think your life is in three chunks. There's like your childhood, there's your kind of adulthood where you're raising kids, and then there's like, you know, >> I'm around mid mid50s into however long it lasts. Yeah.
>> And I realize I'm getting into the third act here and I can't >> I can't have the best that it is is just getting along and tolerating each other.
Like that cannot be the best that it gets. And I just and I made the ultimately good, I think, decision, but horrible decision to blow it all up and and and move out. And it was it was [ __ ] >> Was it a horrible decision or were you just the one brave enough to say it out loud? Uh [sighs] well, I mean >> I was the one brave enough to say it out loud, but it it was there was wreckage that I if I you know, we could have possibly muddled through for a while, you know, years longer and not, you know, upset things as much as as we're upset.
>> That's so sad.
>> Of course. And that's why I didn't, you know, that's why >> are you guys still friends now?
>> Not really. Uh, being remarried, it was getting there and then when I got remarried, it was kind of like, oh, okay. You know, >> you know what I said? It's like a Springsteen song specifically, Stolen Car. There's a great line. He goes, she asked if I remember those letters I wrote. She said, last night I read all those letters. They made me feel a hundred years old.
>> Oh, wow.
>> I listen to that. I'm like, [ __ ] Jesus Christ, Bruce, take it easy. It's like right after a hungry heart.
>> Yeah.
>> Like how do you like what? It's literally [laughter] like right on the same side as I'm like this guy's schizophrenic.
>> And how long between So I was married 6 years then I was married 9 years 11 months and like n Yeah. Like right up in that 10 year window.
>> And then like all both times the next person came kind of oddly quickly. And it wasn't like oh you're on the rebound.
And it was like, "No, obviously we're married 10 years. Obviously, it was meant to be, right?"
>> Yeah.
>> How long between the divorce and >> um we met uh four years.
>> Oh, so you did all your [ __ ] >> Oh, [laughter] yeah. No. Oh, no. I You know, I really I'm really clean. Just out there with those clean legs.
>> Yeah. With these clean legs. [laughter] Once these ladies see this these sleek swimmers gams. Uh >> those are gams. Yeah, thank you.
>> Those are gam [laughter] >> I should have worn long pants.
>> It's cold out here by the by the beach.
Uh >> it is freezing.
>> I uh I I want to No, cuz I guess we met my wife and I met in the beginning of 2022. So, I had been single three years.
I've been single three years and then we got married in 2023. But we got engaged really fast and I and and it was we got engaged really fast to the point where I was kind of like is this too fast? But no, >> I've never thought that.
>> I Well, because also too, we're both She's only nine years younger than me.
And uh so we're both grown-ups. She'd never been married before. She, you know, >> had her own business for years. She lived in London for you know she's like a fullon grown-up woman and one of the things like one of the moments that I had in falling in love with her was like this realization cuz she had a child that she'd had you know our daughter she already had and she had had her on her own and I had this moment this realization once where was like she does not need me at all. I am just like added value to her life and so and I had not encountered that, you know.
>> How old was the daughter when you met the mom?
>> She was uh year and three/4er something like that.
>> Perfect.
>> Yeah. Yeah.
>> So you're you're in on the ground floor of that investment. She and when she started calling, I mean, we got engaged and and I never, you know, I was going to, you know, let her come to me basically, but like Jen started to encourage her to call me daddy and she started calling me daddy and I was I was a little bit like, "Oh, okay. All right." You know, >> but when she learned to talk, >> Yeah.
>> that's when she called you daddy.
>> Well, she already could talk.
>> You gave her Yeah. Yeah. Oh, absolutely.
>> That's a huge thing.
>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I mean, and there was and I also too, her name's Cornelia.
She was born uh February, she's a leap day baby. She was born February 29th, 2020.
>> That's crazy.
>> So the lockdown happened 2 weeks after she's born. And so the world shut down.
So this child was raised by my wife and then her sister moved in with her. uh cuz my wife's from here. Her sister moved in with her and she just had her mom and her aunt for the longest time and there was like some kid didn't they, you know, they got their bubble or their circle or whatever we were calling it.
And she did have one little kid she played with. But when I showed up, [laughter] she did run that [ __ ] house. And she was like a negotiator.
Like everything was Cornelia was >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just all these negotiations. And I mean I'm not like I'm a I'm a You know, I I I realize like I'm going to have to be the hammer here. Like there has to be a hammer.
>> That's my least favorite role.
>> And and I'm not like big into that, but I certainly can do it because >> I also too having older kids, I realize >> that when you when a child knows that they're not like a child running a house, like that's not good for the kid.
mainly because no child wants to feel like there isn't someone holding, you know, like they're they're not being, you know, like they need a container and the parents have to be the container of their life that's like, "No, no, you're not in charge. I'm in charge." And that allows the child to feel safe because if the child's in charge of a household, that's not a feeling of safety. You know, >> I got my 14-year-old's kind of in charge of this house.
>> Yeah.
>> He he really runs the goddamn show. He's the master negotiator. child of divorce back at he's here Monday to Friday. He goes to his mom's on the weekends. Yeah.
>> Only because the school's right around the corner.
>> Yeah. Yeah.
>> So, he's one of these guys like, "Okay, I'm going to I'm going to pick you up from school at 10:00 a.m. to bring you to your doctor's appointment." Okay, great. So, hold on a second. Why do I have to go to school then? Because that's, you know, from 8:30 to 10. He goes, "But that's ridiculous. Like, that's an hour. I'm not going to be able to focus." But, okay, stay home. I'll take you to doctor's office. It goes and then you bring him back to school.
Great.
>> Why? And then but everything's like perfect like four hours after the fact.
But why am I going back to school though? Like what I mean I'm only going to be going back for two hours.
>> Yeah. Yeah.
>> And then it just be it really comes down to like what hill do you want to die on?
>> Yeah.
>> And I just I'm such a lousy hammer. I am such a pushover. I think it's cuz when I was on drugs I was a big yeller.
>> Like my you guys shut up and [ __ ] pipe down. And now I'm just like, I don't [ __ ] know. Do whatever you got to do. I used to snort aderall off my toilet seat. Like obviously I don't make So when you and Charlotte get divorced, how long do you think it'll be before you see another woman?
>> Uh, I'll probably It'll probably be pretty quick. I I hope I'm old at that point. And >> if you divorce Charlotte, Yeah.
>> I'm going to hire her. No, she'll divorce me >> to be a ring girl just walking around here with like how many the 10-minute increments just >> I remember my sister my sister uh who was divorced once told me at one point like when I was right in the middle of leaving she told me uh she's like it'll be it'll be a while before you really I think you're comfortable dating and I was like oh really and she said yeah like a couple of three years and I was like what the [ __ ] are you talking about? But she wasn't wrong in terms of like uh emotionally ready and kind of like actually sort of uh not a mess. You know, it took me a couple years to not be a mess still.
>> Yeah. You know, even when you know the relationship's over, you really are broken. And it took me about four, five years to get completely out of the spiderweb.
>> Yeah.
>> Like it affected every part of my being.
when you And by the way, dating as a 55year-old guy, terrifying.
>> Yeah.
>> Like I gotta meet a stranger, they always want to meet for coffee.
>> Yeah. Yeah.
>> Like if you're ever on a dating app, they're like, "That's great. Let's meet for coffee." I'm like, "I don't know how to say this, but when I have coffee, I got to take a shit."
>> So you're just telling me, [laughter] >> you're just going for [ __ ] >> You're just sitting there telling me about your family and I'm just gripping the table like this.
>> And maybe she was like, "Yes, I know."
>> Oh, freaky deicky. [laughter] >> So yeah. And then like when do I lean into kiss and this am I like everything is so terrifying. I can see me getting into way more transactional relationships.
>> Yeah.
>> If I was single.
>> Although I did find I did find dating in >> I'm not giving anybody my heart again.
Like it's too much. Uh I no see that I wasn't that I'm not worried about but at dating dating I did find I did find like there was sort of a level like from when I was younger like there is this you were all just like well we're going to [ __ ] right because I mean it is like why would we do this if there wasn't like some possibility of [ __ ] I mean we're going to [ __ ] and I did find that that was like much more like it was and I didn't know going into it but it did seem like there was like well yeah we're all up for that that's what we're here for.
>> But Andy, sometimes the answer is no.
And you're like, then what the [ __ ] are we? You're in my hotel room.
>> Like I'm on the road. We hung out all You think I really wanted to watch Ridiculousness with a stranger for 2 hours? [laughter] >> We're on the >> Oh, that is punishing.
>> We're on the 22nd floor. [laughter] >> Like, it's mindblowing that I'm not I'm not here.
>> She changed her mind.
>> Or they accuse you of rape.
>> Yeah.
>> Like, you know, I mean, might want to edit that out. Jesus, that >> Yeah. [laughter] Yeah, that was Yeah.
Yeah. Boy, no, that's not that's not tweets that or you know, >> it is I have to I have to make it that.
>> Yeah.
>> How about this? When you're with somebody, ever be on a date with this person like before they speak every time I dated a girl once and every time she spoke, she said, "Can I ask you something?" And every time I'm like, >> "You just did >> like we're driving to Barstow. Just [ __ ] talk." You know what I mean?
Have you ever been with that? Like, "Can I ask you something?" And Bobby Lee does it constantly on his own podcast. Go.
Can I Can I just say something?
>> Can I It's like It's your show.
>> Yeah. Yeah. What the [ __ ] Yeah. Yeah.
What do you need the preamble for?
>> Oh my god.
>> My god. My >> uh my older kids stupid Bobby.
>> My older kids like will be, you know, like across the room and >> I'm already laughing. And I [laughter] and it'll be like, "Dad, and I, you know, and it's just But after that happens for 30 days in a row, three times a day, it's like, you just ask your [ __ ] question. What do you want?" You know, >> do you have two boys or a boy and a girl?
>> Yes. I have a 25-year-old son and a 20-year-old daughter and then the six-year-old. She just turned six.
She's I know she's your favorite. Be honest.
>> No, I No, honestly, there's no favorites. There's no favorites. But I mean, she's the baby. She's a rotating year old.
>> I keep I'm like Devon Eric's like the dad.
>> How many How many kids do you have?
>> 23. Two boys. 23 and 14. Different moms cuz I like to [ __ ] you know.
>> Yeah. Yeah. Sure. Right. Right. Right.
>> Do you have this one? Like >> erratic.
>> My 14year-old con anything he's doing is there's an announcement.
>> Hey, [clears throat] I'm going to take a shower now. [laughter] >> Okay.
>> Yeah. Yeah.
>> Like, should I pause the TV? My my 25-year-old will call me and and he'll he lives with us now and he he'll call me and he'll just be like, "Okay, uh I'm coming back from West Hollywood. I might stop and uh pick up some groceries, but I shouldn't be home and you like I'll be home in like an hour and a half." And I and I always am just like, you 25, you do whatever. [laughter] Show up whenever you want, you know?
>> I love that he found love. I heard you talking about that with Neil, >> with >> your oldest son.
>> Yeah. Yeah.
>> Yeah. It's wonderful. Yeah.
>> And I used to do that with my wife when I got sober and it like, okay, I'm here and now I'm going here and then I'm going to go here. And it wasn't until we did we did couples counseling before we got married just everything was fine.
It's like let's just make sure >> that's there's nothing wrong with that.
>> Let's sweep the room before we move in.
Right. That's another one of my pet peeves is people who are like co couples counseling is when things go wrong like no second that's like that's like you know saying like well I didn't have cancer before I went to the hospital like yeah you had cancer and you went to the [laughter] hospital and they told you you got cancer you know >> there's a great aa joke where a guy goes uh there's an alcoholic he dies a horrible alcoholic death and all his drinking buddies are at his casket and they go I can't believe he died from drinking I know and the one guy goes did he ever try AA he goes it was no it wasn't that bad. [laughter] I love that joke. I love all alcoholic jokes. But when I got sober, I would tell her everywhere I was going. And then in couples counseling, she just goes, "He's always telling me where he is." Like, what is that? Like for her, I was the old me was like needling her, but it was it was actually maybe this with your son. I'm actually where I say I'm going to be >> all the time now. It's like a whole I don't think your son's like that, but I'm just like, "No, I'm actually a man of my word. Maybe I think I got a reward from it, too." So maybe your son's just keeping the [ __ ] at you, like being >> Yeah. I don't know. He Well, he's always been a worrier. He's been a worrier since he was a little kid, you know. So I think he just >> is always like nervous that he's doing something wrong, you know? So >> Oh, I hate that.
>> I know. I know.
>> How do you deal with that as a dad? Your kids >> I tell him I tell him relax.
>> How old was he when he when he was like just so you know, I'm I'm gay and I'm I'm >> Oh. Uh he was 11. That's great. Yeah.
When he he was 11 and as I like to say, >> he came out to me when he was 11 and then we didn't speak of it for eight or nine years. [laughter] It was just like, you know, they're just because he's he's a he's real he's a tough nut to crack. Like you can't when you want to talk to him about, you know, something's going on in his life and you know something's going on in his life, he will even say something's going on with X, Y, and Z. and you'll go, "Okay, let's talk about it." I don't want to talk about it. And you know, and then and now he's at the point, he's old enough, too, where it's I can say, you know, it's good to talk about it. I know. I still don't want to talk about it.
>> The balls on an 11year-old.
>> Yeah.
>> Like ab more than you and I have. I mean, we're in show business and we don't know that kind of balls. Go. By the way, I'm 11 and I'm gay.
>> I don't I think it just like it wasn't even a it it was I think he just grew up. I think part of it was growing up in Los Angeles. They're just It's not the same as growing up other places with a bunch of homophobic little shits.
>> It really is different.
>> It's very different. I think it's a lot easier.
>> My son doesn't know racism, homophob, but he just does not. There's a girl in his school that's a furry.
>> Really?
>> She wears like ears and tails every day.
I go >> I go, "Is that kid trans?" He goes, "Nah, she's a furry. I think she's a fox or something."
>> Yeah. Yeah.
>> Just doesn't give a [ __ ] >> No. Well, they I mean when they started to get into >> beating that child to death when >> Well, it's just like [laughter] the teen years of like of the teen years of like when they were like there were lots of gender fluid kids that my kids grew up with who may maybe are now or maybe aren't, but it's they were so it was so easy to them. There was no question like oh yeah, okay, they're they them that just not even >> I got a problem with the they them.
>> Nothing sticking, you know. I got a problem with they then.
>> Robbie Hoffman does a funny bit about like >> what happened to that? Nobody's that anymore.
>> So if we really blew it, she says, right?
>> She's like, boy, did we blow it.
>> Yeah. Yeah.
>> We We should get Robbie Hoffman on.
>> I don't think it's going to be this interesting, but certainly we'll get a Jew, a gay, and a woman in one shot. And that's We're really checking boxes.
>> You sure are. If she can bring a Domin if she can bring a [laughter] tax if she can bring a Dominican friend, we're in the clear.
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What was your favorite toy growing up?
um or >> like the best Christmas thing we were like, "Holy shit."
>> The one the one that came to mind instantly was uh there was a Mattel knockoff G.I. Joe group called Big Jim.
>> You remember Big Jim?
And then and then at first he was just kind of like and like like such a butch, you know, like the brrawy paper towel guy where now as an adult you're like that guy's gay. And like Big Jim with, you know, like flannel shirt, big muscles, maybe a mustache. No offense.
And uh [laughter] and and but then it became like a squad, like a sort of uh >> Big Jim. I think you all know Kevin >> equal. No, it was there. It became like an equal opportunity kind of uh hit squad like there was a munitions guy and then I remember there was a a village a native Yes. There was a Native American and they were all like specialists in different sort of >> you know like one had a bow and arrow and one blew [ __ ] up and one had all kinds of guns. I don't remember but I had those and >> Oh boy. Yeah. Here. Big Jim Wolf.
>> Yeah, >> Big Jim Wolf. This is imp. And there's plenty of gay things next to it. Like he literally sent me to another Big Jim Wolf.
>> Oh dear. Oh my.
>> Gold medal Big Jack. That's a different man entirely. All right.
>> The I never heard of that, but you heard of it?
>> Yeah.
>> Yeah. It was How old are you?
>> 46.
>> Okay. [snorts] I'm grew up but very poor.
>> Yeah.
>> So they were all from thrift stores. It was like see your friends who had the knockoff clothes or like you're like oh you want to play big gym and you're like >> you have GI Joe >> we had we had ne we had neighbors that had like an amaz like now would be worth thousands and thousands of dollars array of GI of GI Joe [ __ ] like just really cool like and and at that point like was old then like I don't even know if it was like their dads or whatever but they had so much G.I Joe stuff.
>> Do you think Big Jim's worth anything now?
>> Probably not, >> cuz I know a toy guy. I'll mail you one.
>> I don't think any No, no, no. I don't think >> No, you're going to like me more than you like me right now. [laughter] >> I'll buy your love.
>> Oh yeah, >> bro. So, every morning Genie and I put the dogs in a stroller cuz they won't walk. Our dogs, they're small and they won't walk. But if we take them away from home, take them out of the stroller and walk home, they'll follow us panicstricken.
>> Right. Right.
>> But I started carrying ever since we got that sponsor Sundays for dogs. I carry it in my pocket in the morning and I'm like the pied piper of the neighborhood.
The dogs see me and they just go [ __ ] crazy.
>> You have treats of some kind, >> right? But I'm such an alcoholic. A part of me is like, why can't why can't this dog just like me for me?
>> Why why does this have to be a transactional? Like I'm a great guy.
Like I love dogs so much and I got to give him a [ __ ] treat to get his attention. [ __ ] that guy. He's not getting treats today.
>> Right. [laughter] >> I don't like French bulldogs anyway.
Uh >> my bike as a growing up in suburban Illinois. You must have >> Was that suburban Chicago?
>> Um it was further out. It was like, you know, >> Indianaish.
>> No, no, it was straight west, but it like when you start to get to be feel, you know, >> I bet there was great wrestling out there.
>> Yeah.
>> High school wrestling must have been nuts.
>> Our t our team went to state.
>> Yeah.
>> With our head coach, Dennis Hastard.
Jesus Christ, that's a wonderful name from the past. I have a wide stance.
>> You know who Dennis Hastard is?
>> Yeah. Didn't he get busted at a urinal?
>> Speaker of the speaker of the house. No, not at a urinal.
>> Uh it's really horrible, but uh he was the speaker of the house, >> you know, cuz he went from high school coach, high school civics teacher to state house, then to the House of Representatives, and then became speaker of the house.
>> Great climb. and all that. It was also too it was like it was Clinton, you know, sex stuff and then like everybody when the Republicans took over the House, everyone that was going to that was in line to be speaker had a sex scandal. Oh, there's a sex scandal. And I think Larry Flint was offering people money. Oh, that's right.
>> To expose Republicans with And so Dennis Hastard seemed to be the one like, well, he's, you know, so squeaky clean. But it turned out that no, he had been >> So, what was the scandal though?
>> He was absusing boys >> to the And I mean, and I don't want to bum out your podcast, but it was pretty [ __ ] awful. It's pretty awful.
>> Wow.
>> And and when that all came out, too, >> watch this. I'm crossing them out.
>> I remembered [laughter] I remember he's not making the notes.
>> Uh and he's like he and like he and I are like the two most famous people from our town.
>> What is your town, sir?
>> Uh Yorkville, Illinois. Your high school mascot was the >> the fox because we were on the Fox River. We were the Yorkville Foxes.
>> Yeah. I got a theory about I'm a, you know, I'm a wrestler and a coach and it's like you show me a metropolis, you drive an hour and a half into the sticks, >> that's where all the wrestlers.
>> That's where the wrestlers.
>> I don't know what it is. Like if you go to Port Jefferson, Long Island >> from Manhattan, if you go like to Joliet or you go out where you are, LA, you go out to like Calpali, like they're they're [ __ ] animals. Like they're actual they're not like you and I. Yeah.
>> Like they'll just run for 10 miles to warm up and you're like, I just I just want a varsity.
>> I just I remember wrestlers too wearing rubber suits to cut weight. Like really unhealthy [ __ ] Like >> Yeah, it's great.
>> Around school like guys wearing like like rubber. I mean >> that was just Hastard's kink >> rubber. [laughter] It was it was uh it Yeah. No, it was but they Yeah. No, it was a big wrestling school. Who was who was the senator or congressman that got busted soliciting [ __ ] at a urinal? And he's like, >> he was doing like the foot tap.
>> He goes, "No, I just have a really wide stance."
>> A wide stance while I'm [ __ ] [laughter] >> Powerlifter.
>> I can't remember his name, but it was in >> Look how engaged he is.
>> It was >> I thought you were checking your DMs.
>> It was the Minneapolis airport. I think it was from Minnesota, I think. But he couldn't get stance out. He goes, "I have a wide stance."
>> Yeah. [laughter] >> Do you ever see when >> I remember [clears throat] that name?
It's funny. I Yeah.
>> Do you ever see when Carl Lewis did the national anthem?
>> Uh-uh.
>> And he's like, it's horrible. Like it goes really south and in the middle of it, he just goes, "Uhoh." [laughter] >> Remember that? And the rock. It's red.
Glare. Uhoh. Uhoh.
>> Have you ever thrown out a first pitch?
>> I have at Cubs game.
>> Oh wow. You went big.
>> It was fun. Yeah. How'd you do?
>> Uh, I did okay. I It was a little high, but it >> No, that's fine.
>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
>> Just don't bounce it.
>> Yeah. No, it didn't bounce. It was a little high and it wasn't like real fast, but it was enough. I was like, >> you got the cheer.
>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, I mean, it was like it wasn't like there was no arc to it, you know? I mean, I actually threw a a pitch >> and it was a little high, but you know, >> how completely insane a feeling is that >> standing in front of the mount, the ball every you've thrown balls your whole life.
>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
>> And then like if you have to shoot a free throw in front of a crowd or something like the ball is completely foreign. It's like you came from another planet or you go to another planet and they just hand you crystals and they're like, "We need you to drive us home."
>> Yeah. Yeah. [laughter] >> It's like it's crazy. you're holding a baseball and you're like, uh, orc smash >> that, you know that I have I have the ability and it mostly has come out in golf because I play golf. I haven't played in a while, but uh but I would whenever I would play and I would frequently play, you know, year when I first moved here, my kids were smaller. I would play at these like charity things where you got to play golf at like really beautiful country clubs and you'd play with like four strangers and you were sort of the entertainment for for you know for charities and sometimes they were big and they would have camera crews there like from the golf network or whatever and like I there there was one where they followed me they came up and they said can we and it was the 18th at Riviera which is like one [clears throat] of the big finishing holes in And they're like, "Do you mind if we uh follow you?" And I was like, "Oh, fuck."
Okay. Yeah, sure. I part it, >> my man.
>> I just It just And I And whenever that's happened, I >> with cameras around me, like there's something about it. I like I my you know, my attention is like pouring soup onto a table. It's just everywhere.
[laughter] But when when like there's a camera or something like I can go like, "All right, I gotta [ __ ] >> I get it.
>> I can hyperfocus for a short amount of time."
>> Well, that's why you're a great comedic actor and comed like that's our thing.
>> Yeah. Well, and I've noticed it too with voiceovers. Like I can, you know, I'll fumble through talking to you, but they put copy in my hand and they go do three in a row.
>> Yeah. We got to move on.
And I just it it just comes out, you or you get this one like uh we this is the last shot where we have no more light so you just have to get it and you're like all right I remember >> I remember filming a remote for more sports it was Roxy surf school for girls we went and did a remote over there >> and they're like oh we're just going to film you getting up and I was like I never surfed before >> couldn't do it couldn't do it and they're like all right and they're waving me and like we got to go and I was like [ __ ] that >> I got to get this >> I got up and then I watched the tape somebody pushed my board from behind to help me [laughter] a girl like 12-year-old girl.
>> The when I was a kid about the favorite toys like the bike, what I was going to say is growing up rural ruralish suburban like you did. It's like >> there's nothing I've ever owned with more value. Rolexes, homes.
>> Uhhuh.
>> Than that BMX bike >> that you took everywhere.
>> Yeah. Yeah.
>> And and left it in the front yard overnight. Sprinklers [ __ ] making it rust out.
>> Yeah. Yeah.
>> And then just letting anybody ride it for whoever. And there's always that one kid that goes, "My dad says no one can ride it."
>> You're [clears throat] like, "Get the [ __ ] out of here."
>> That's the kid when they hand out snacks in school, they go, "I'm saving it for later."
>> I think I might just be a little bit too old for BMX to have like really >> like the Huffy the banana seat.
>> My My brother had a yellow Schwin uh with a banana seat, whatever that stingray.
>> You get chicks on that.
>> Yeah. And it was and it might even have been called like something banana, you know, like like it might even had some like goofy name, but that was his bike.
And then it kind of became our bike or like I I don't remember what happened.
And then I got a green Schwin Collegiate >> that I [ __ ] loved and wrote, you know, and that was like that was like not even it wasn't a cool bike. It's like a lady bike, you know? I mean, it's it's you know, it's like it's the Schwin. And it's the classic [clears throat] Schwin with like the green and white seat with the springs in my head right now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
>> And uh and Oh, I wish I'd held on to that bike. That was like >> Yeah. I wish I had that red line still with I had a redline bike, blue tires.
We always put like a number on the front like we just got off the track.
>> Yeah. Yeah. [laughter] Sure.
>> I remember my dad made talk about a lady bike. My first bike I was probably seven or eight. My dad took parts from my sister's bikes and make we were not didn't have a lot of money.
>> Yeah. Yeah.
>> Made me a bike. Wow.
>> So, it's two different colors cuz there's two different bikes.
>> Lady B bike, you know, no >> cross. Yeah.
>> But he took like mailbox lettering and on the bar he put JJ Moore >> and he put my name on it.
>> Yeah. Yeah.
>> And I remember rid [laughter] so humiliating. I remember riding that bike around the neighborhood and people going laughing at me in this gay bike going JJ Moore and me thinking, well, they finally know acknowledging me. They already they like I'm just like you know Eva Peron waving from the balcony and it wasn't until like it wasn't until I was like 15 thinking back I'm like oh they were mocking me.
>> Well and also too to have your name so prominently displayed is like child abductor catnip.
>> But we were different then you know >> more child abductors couldn't do [ __ ] with us because we would have tortured them. [laughter] I remember riding our bikes to like other towns cuz girls in our town wouldn't talk to us. We were probably seventh eighth grade. First of all, the idea of my son taking his bike here and going to like Sherman Oaks, horrifying. Absolutely.
>> But we just did it all the time on the highway, crossing highways.
>> Yeah.
>> And there was a guy, we're coming back, we're going through Caldwell, New Jersey, and we're going through a Dunkin Donuts parking lot, and there's a guy in a pacer car, and he's just jacking off, watching us, right? We're just doing jumps and [ __ ] and he's just sitting in his car jacking off. We circled his car and pointed at him like, "Ah, he's [ __ ] jacking off." Like you would think your kid would go, I got to get out of here.
>> Oh my god. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's in there like, I usually have to pay for this. [laughter] >> And when he left, we followed him. We just followed him. And now in hindsight, he didn't drive very fast.
>> Like, don't lose [laughter] him.
>> Don't lose him. I got eight little sweaty towhead blondes following me on this stupid butt. You've always You've kept your blonde hair into adulthood.
That's kind of a rare hot guy thing.
>> I Well, you know what? you and Robert Redford.
>> It's It's turning gray and so it's kind of looking more blonde like as it it's it's kind of turned gray and uh uh >> so negative, Andy.
>> I know. It's just true. No, because my kids when I would my older kids when I would say that I was blonde, they'd be like, "Your hair's not blonde. It's brown."
>> It's blonde, dude. Well, >> it's always been blonde.
>> Yeah.
>> You were always such a nice guy to me.
And but I wanted to go back to when you were talking about sixth floor. I'm gonna get through this whole hour without ever mentioning that part of your life. But I will say this.
>> Yeah.
>> Uh you know, working on SNL, it's so dreary.
>> Yeah.
>> It's the it's it's like um >> it's dreary.
>> It's real and it's crushing [snorts] weight. And I think and you were there at a time when it seemed to be very fractured, like they're very like different different factions working in different darkened corners wondering what the other ones would.
>> I think it was Fred Wolf who told me it's either performance-based or it's writer based. When it's writerbased, it sucks. When it's performance-based, the writers are always pissed off, but the show goes skyh high. Like Martin Short doing Ed Grimley is not exactly a guy from Harvard.
>> Yeah. Yeah.
>> Banging out a perfect sketch. like and then I'll dance like this and mention Pat Sjack and bang bang boom.
>> So, >> but it was just oppressive and you're right it was cuz it was like half performer cuz you had Farley and you had Phil.
>> Yeah.
>> So, and Sandler and like nonsense over here and then you had all these Harvard and Brown guys over here. So, I I never really got that until you just said it.
Like that makes a lot of sense. But the point I was going to make is 17th floor just [ __ ] gray oppressive stress panic snowstorm outside. We're just stuck here. Not. But then when you go to the sixth floor NBC, it's it's like Gatka. It's like the most bright.
>> Hey, every everything on the wall, everyone's got a cup of coffee and they're smiling like the morning show.
They're like, "Everything's great here.
You should live here with us."
>> Yeah. And I remember like any time I was able to see you on the sixth floor just come it literally when you get off the elevator it's like the sun comes out >> they really went out of the way. I guess that's all morning things like when you hit the road and you're like good morning Pikipsy like everything's great here in Pipsy.
>> Well I mean we were part of across the hall to was you know uh Good Day LA.
>> Yeah. So, it was there was like a magazine news show, but I do think that like we did have it because our our offices were on the ninth floor on the 6th Avenue and it was and in the beginning it was a it was grinding. It was it was it was rough and it was like long but because we just didn't >> rough because you didn't know what how >> cuz we we had we worked hours and hours and hours and the show when the show started we were 5 days a week 47 weeks a year >> which is a lot of television. It's a lot of television. And um and there were times when I was doing it too, especially when I started to go out cuz initially Robert Smeiggel, who was the head writer of the show, didn't want Conan to do remotes because that had been such a Letterman thing, going out of the studio with the camera.
>> Um and and one of the things we were very aware of in the beginning was and we would come up with ideas and go, it's very Letterman. We should it's a good idea, but it sounds too letter. I don't know how we would make it without making it just seem like a Letterman idea. So, there was this like weird sort of, you know, judgment call we'd have to make.
And for some reason, the judgment call was made. Conan shouldn't go out and do remotes. Andy, you can go do remotes.
So, I went and did a bunch of remotes before Conan ever did a remote. And um there would be some like I I remember there just was because I'd go on the weekends and shoot the remotes and then come home and edit the remotes because we were the things I that I wrote I had to produce, you know, and the the the remotes that I shot. I had to come back.
There wasn't like some writer that was just going to edit it. I'd have to come home come back and be there till 2 o'clock in the morning editing it for the next day. And it was like one stretch where I realized it it was something like 34 days in a row like I that I was working like either I was out shooting something or or actually doing the show and just >> you know it just stacked up. But if you can space that, >> I don't know there's a time in my life where I'm happier.
>> Like if I just have a remote and I have to edit and I got another guy there where I'm like >> cuz I'm not a good A to Z guy, but if you show me your alphabet, I can go >> I I think you want the M to go.
>> Yeah, I know what you mean.
>> Yeah. Like that's really like my happiest.
>> Yeah.
>> And like creating something like that.
But 34 days in a row was bonk. It was it was rough and it was very stressful and uh >> like I get euphoric when I'm I'm realizing now in real time like I get like tears in my eyes happy.
>> Yeah. Really?
>> Yeah.
>> When you just got to knuckle down and do nothing but work. You mean >> like that's just like a thing that I get to create.
>> Oh yeah.
>> Because you I like that you mentioned this on the Were you finished with what you're saying by the way?
>> Yeah. I don't know. [clears throat] >> I'm used to it with you Jay. More as Doug Benson says they should call this more digressions.
[laughter] the um the the thing with uh and of course I forgot what I was going to say. Oh, when you said on Neil Brennan about thinking of something on the subway, >> bringing it to the writers and it just being on TV that night. I I got to think that's where I was going with this. I got to think that filled you with that feeling, too.
>> That was that was >> complete euphoria.
>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And that was And when I went back to work for Conan on the Tonight Show, that was an easy call because I had been out here. I'd done three sitcoms that, you know, I was the the star of >> That's fun, too.
>> Uh, no, that was really fun. It was really fun. And, you know, >> to rub your fingers together like this when you get a six, [laughter] >> but well, but it it is there you you get presented with things like Andy Richtor Controls the Universe was the first one and everybody, you know, it was like everybody loved it. It was before this is before its time and all this stuff.
>> But we you know we we had two mid seasons. So it was like I you know it was like and I couldn't do anything else really. So it was like I was making my year was six episodes of TV and you know you get paid peace meal you you know >> and and then the next show that I did was a show called Quintuplets which was just like this kind of runchy box family comedy where I was father of it it wasn't that >> you're going Andy Barker PI >> no Andy Barker PI was the >> right I'm saying like these two I know very well but like somehow Quintupletup was I don't know what you're talking about it was on one se it was like you know my pattern was to try and pitch a show on my own and then when that fell apart then take a job in another TV show and that was I had a after Andy Richtor Controls the universe got canned I had a show that I was developing and that I was and then it it faded away and then it was like well here here's the lead on this on this show that somebody else wrote and that you know you're not a producer on I just was an actor on it.
>> Great.
>> And um >> Oh >> and uh you didn't let me finish.
>> And it was uh 2, you know, and that was 22 episodes. And that was like the most television money I'd made, like the highest concentration, but it was like the least satisfying and in fact kind of >> like frustrating at a certain >> What was frustrating about it?
>> Because >> because I have the opposite experience.
>> There was I like there was a moment and I also too I'm I was used to I was used to starting out with Conan in New York.
It was a very very sort of direct line from doing improv like and doing improv in Chicago with a group of people or putting together comedy shows with people where you all pitch in. It's a group activity.
You know, there's no big stars. There's no sort of divisions of labor. You're all putting together the [ __ ] show and everybody, you know, everybody has their strengths and weaknesses. So, you're going to do, you know, like this guy sings or whatever.
>> And then you I got to New York, same thing. Writers are performers. And uh, you know, Conan is in the room with us writing the thing. He's a writer. He understands writing. We put the thing together. And, and also too, I had a very the big the best gift he ever gave me was that he sort of I was the guy like everybody needs a because I write things and I'm like, is this funny? and I need somebody I trust to go, "Yes, it is." Or, "It's not that great." I was that to him. Like I was his the guy where he just go, "Yeah, yeah, we're monologue jokes. We'd sit in a monologue meeting and he'd say a joke and he'd look at me and I'd go, "Yeah, that's good." You know, or or, "Oh, that's great." Or, you know, whatever. Or I also got I also got good at triage on a on the set there's a bit something's not working with it. Let's try fixing the ending, you know? So that was like he >> that that's euphoria too.
>> He entered me. He gave me that that gift to let me be that and let me gain a sense of poise uh in doing that. So I come out here and it there's this division of labor. The the writers say, you know, the writers put the words in the performer's mouth.
And if a performer says this line isn't funny, it's like [ __ ] you. Just say it.
And I and my feeling like with all these writer rooms because I would get and I would get a pat on the head from some of these [ __ ] and I'd be like if you want to have a funny off let's [ __ ] go man because >> [ __ ] you. Don't you dare condescend to me about like about comedy about putting [ __ ] comedy on television because at that point I'd already made a gazillion hours of television comedy.
>> Yeah. And um the thing about this quintuplet show was basically I got there and I'm I'm my attitude with with these shows was always like I don't need a big credit. You know like even the shows that I produced on that I was a writer on I never wrote a an episode because that's taking episode money out of somebody's pocket. You know there's an episode fee that the writers are paid. So, if there's 12 episodes and I write one of them, that's a that's a an episode fee that one of the other writers isn't getting, I don't need the episode fee. I'm getting paid because I'm on the show.
>> So, I I um but I my attitude was always if this is a comedy, it if we're mo like if we're moving heavy things, I have muscles.
>> I have I have comedy muscles that I was born with and also ones that I have trained. So if we're doing funny stuff, let me help. And there was a moment in that show where we were shooting in quintuplets, we were shooting uh we were shooting scenes and but without the audience, you know, like >> five kids, Joe, >> you know, >> I know we were lost.
>> What else as an aside to the the previous u pilot season I was told I was too young to have [clears throat] uh teenagers and then the next season I had five, >> of course. Okay.
>> Uh but TV, but I we were shooting scenes uh without an audience, you know, like because some just to save time, they started to have like some scenes be pre-shot and they just show them to the audience. And it's one of those days the writers are sitting on the the living room set on the sort of the home base set and it it's kind of half dark uh because they're not shooting on that set >> and they're pitching they're pitching on something on a rewrite on the next scene. I have a cup of coffee in my hand and I just walk up to the circle and I I'm hearing them actively pitching. I walk up to the circle and I just sort of stand there, you know, like to observe comes to a screeching [ __ ] halt. And the guy that uh runs the show goes, "C, can we help you with something? Is there something that you need?"
>> [ __ ] that guy.
>> And I went, "That's unbelievable.
>> No, no, no, no. I'm right. I'm all right." and and I just went out to my trailer and it was such a [ __ ] bummer. It was so >> that is a bummer. I'm bummed out now.
>> So [ __ ] frustrating and like, you know, infuriating to me.
>> And then another few >> They never saw that golf video that you made.
>> No, they certainly didn't. They didn't respect your muscles. But they uh another few episodes in I'm talking to the guy and I pitch an episode because mainly because I it was three boys and two girls and I told him I've never had a scene alone with my two daughters.
Like I've you know like if there was a scene with the daughters it was the mom and if it was a scene with the boys it was it was the dad and just dumb gender [ __ ] And I was like, I And also I loved the actresses that were played my daughters. They were [ __ ] hilarious and great. And I was like I was like, let me have a scene with my daughters.
And he's kind of like, oh, that's interesting. Yeah. Well, what what what could we do? And I was like, this and this and this. And it worked. And the they based, you know, that plot. It was like the Aplot. They that became the Aplot and it worked. And I was just like, yep. And then after a as we're shooting that episode and it's working and they bring in Phyllis Diller to play a role in it, which I was so [ __ ] thrilled with, he says to me, "Hey, this was really great. Uh, do you have any other ideas? You know, just let me know." And I was like, "Oh yeah, I will."
>> Yeah, you were already.
>> [ __ ] you. You get nothing.
>> Hey, look. There's a dog.
>> Oh my goodness.
>> I just had my dinner. Who are you? Well, girl, >> what kind of dog do you have now?
>> I have two dogs. I have a 125 lb dog and a 7B dog. Does this one Oh, no.
>> She's She's a little dodgy. I got a Pomeranian that's too chunky to come down the stairs. [laughter] >> That's the one you'd fall in love. I'll show it to you when we're done. That triage, >> that's another time where I go, "Oh, wow. Everything about SNL that almost broke me in half, >> I never would have gotten that education anywhere else." when you're on a stage of a sitcom with an audience getting restless and they're like but I it just doesn't work and you go no this goes here give her my line >> and you don't need this whole page >> and they just look at you like >> oh >> and then it's like I don't care what happens after like I've never felt that satisfaction before in my life.
>> Yeah. Yeah.
>> That's incredible.
>> Yeah. And also and also you do you Conan and I understood the show more in a way that nobody else could really understand because we stood there in front of the people and writers would would pitch things and I'd be just like no you don't know what it's like to stand in front of the people and try this particular thing [laughter] that you're talking about. This will not work or this is no fun or the audience will not like that. You know who was in the masturbating bear suit?
>> Uh, Michael Gordon. A writer named Michael Gordon. Usually >> you guys were usually.
>> No, I think I think I think you know if he was busy or doing something I think we could once in a while he was lefty.
[laughter] >> Son of a [ __ ] >> That's the other guy.
>> There's an understudy. He's just backstage.
>> One day.
>> Well, they were very specific. They were very specific in what sort of gesture that he could do. I bet. Yeah. Yeah, because it just ended up being like this, >> which is funny to me.
>> Yeah. Yeah. Just like paddling his own nuts.
>> It's like It's actually It's almost like >> as if it was like a giant clitoris and he was just [laughter] slapping it.
>> Now I'm hungry again.
>> I know what I'm having for dinner.
>> But you [laughter] clitoris.
>> Not here. You ain't.
>> You um you you just had good guys on that staff, too. Like I saw Brian Kylie at the Comedy Magic Club.
>> Yeah.
>> Haven't seen him since then.
>> Yeah. Yeah. And it was just like bath water. Just easy. And he's exactly the same. Just same exact I think maybe he's all fully shaved. But this in my mind he's still got that holding on for dear life hair in the back. And it Jack uh co Jack >> Oh no, it's Leno. Never mind. But uh Brian Kylie like these guys.
>> Mike Sweeney.
>> Mike Sweeney. I remember Mike Sweeney just being nice to an 18-year-old me at the comedy seller. I've watched him being a dick to other people, but then for some reason he'd be like, "So how you know you're funny, like don't quit."
>> Yeah. Yeah.
>> Yeah. Sweenie is Sweenie is so funny too because he is like such a nice kind person and he you know and he's been Conan's head writer or right-hand person for years and years and years and and you you forget but Conan got the Mark Twain Prize and there was a banquity sort of thing the night before and Sweeney got up and he was the [snorts] MC of it and different people came up and talked. It was like really just kind of friends and like I said something and and his assistant said something and his college friend uh said something but Mike because it's all corporate sponsor things and there was a table of Goldman Sachs bankers and he [ __ ] roasted them every time and I was just like >> oh you forget that he is a knife like he is a [ __ ] knife. I remember at the seller once he went on stage and I guess I pieced this together on my drive home back to my parents house in Jersey.
Whatever girl he was seeing broke up with him for another guy and his entire set was ladies this what you got to watch out for in a guy. If the guy's sweater has little uh on the shoulders it kind of sticks up. That means he puts his sweaters on his hanger and he's a [ __ ] loser. And he just went through the and in my mind I'm like, >> "Oh my god, he just itemized everything about the guy that he hated and presented it as his set." [laughter] >> As a set, every time I go to put my sweater on a hanger, I think of [ __ ] Mike Sweeney. And he had braces [clears throat] at like 40. He was way He was cool.
>> Yeah. Yeah.
>> I love it. I love you. I'm so glad you're here. Thank you, Jeff. You want to promote anything? Um, >> you got a podcast?
>> The greatness of you?
>> I have I have a podcast called The Three. Sorry.
>> Uh, no. Yes.
you know, it's it's subtlets. We're not going that fast.
>> I know. I couldn't think of six or seven.
>> Uh, >> so I had to jump to eight.
>> Yeah, it's Well, sex sex and octuplets >> and then noane and then it becomes German.
>> Uh, yeah. No, >> three questions.
>> The three questions is my podcast.
>> I'm going to subscribe to this right now.
>> It's been on uh it's been on since 2019 >> and thanks for the invite. The idea was Well, you know what? I I wanted you to really sort of prove yourself in the podcasting [laughter] world, you know. I wanted I wanted to really make sure that you're a broadcaster.
>> Hey, now WNBC.
>> Uh, no, it's the the notion of the three questions was I when I started I I'm in therapy. I like therapy. And like, you know, like Neil's Neil's podcast, Neil Brandon's blocks, it's that's therapy.
It's basically >> Watch this.
>> If there's a Oh, thank you. if there's a sport, you know, if like a podcast is about sports, his is about therapy. And mine kind of is too. And the three questions because I wanted to people I the most interesting conversations and we're kind of having one here which is and these are the three questions. Where do you come from? Where are you going?
And what have you learned? And those that kind of introspection based on your history to me is the most interesting conversation that there is. And the people that are willing to have that conversation, it's [ __ ] great. There are some people where and I mean people that I love and super admire who have been on my podcast and I'm kind of like, >> you know, well, let's talk about why you're or or just like why you are the way you are and you realize, oh no, they there's no interest in that whatso like nope. They're just like, no, I'm not doing that for you.
>> Oh, my favorite subject me. I'm all in.
>> What have you learned >> uh in life? you oh um uh little things uh I that I actually have boiled down to slogans and I'm not even really like a big slogan guy uh but they are work for peace like no matter what you're doing you got to think like is this is this peace or is this war uh especially when it comes to dealing with people um the other one is get better that's that's the directive it's never like you never get you're never finished. So just get better. Just keep getting better and just trying to keep you know you know more mentally healthy, more happy, better adjusted to just you know life and uh >> get better. You say >> and uh [laughter] and then and another big one that I think about a lot all the time is how much of my life I spent being scared about [ __ ] And then it like now I'm like what the [ __ ] was I scared about?
What was I what was I afraid of? What was I nervous about? You know, like so many things that just >> You think that's where your son got it?
Like somehow through the >> I don't I don't know because I tell you he used to when he like was three and four years old used to tell people out of the blue, do not walk on the railroad tracks.
>> I love [laughter] this guy, you know, like it was like, "Okay, all right, no problem." You know, >> I believe this is your floor, young man.
>> He was he was just really worried, you know. He just worries. He worries a lot, you know. I was I was worried about nuclear war with the Russians my whole childhood. I wrote letters to Ronald Reagan.
>> Did you really?
>> I did.
>> Take it easy, Ron.
>> Yeah. Come on. And I also wrote letters.
I sent my third, fourth, and fifth grade. The address to like uh the networks would be in the back of the Almanac in the library.
>> So I'd be like, "Oh, I'm going to get on a sitcom like that Gary Coleman, [laughter] >> Different Strokes." So I would send my class >> Dear ABC.
>> Yes. and be like and I and my big selling point was I have a space between my teeth. [laughter] >> It's great. It's a classic look and I be I >> classic look.
>> Yeah. I look like you know Kinsky.
>> Have you heard of Michael Straan? He hasn't been born yet.
>> Yeah. Lauren Beall.
>> Yeah. Like that was Yeah. We It's weird the things we did like and I didn't even know what I wanted to do yet, but >> I at least put that and I wrote letters to teams and the only people that ever got back to me. Chicago Bears, the entire assistant coaching staff sent me signed pictures.
>> Wow.
>> I was like, "These guys are the best."
>> What did you What were you writing to What were you writing to teams about?
Just >> could I get some autographs? I love you guys.
>> Oh, I see. I see.
>> Just desperate for any kind of connection. [laughter] >> And Bob Greasie, quarterback for the Dolphins. Dear John, be a good sport.
Bob Greasie, I'll never My real name is John.
>> Wow.
>> And I was like, he spelled John right. J O N. And I was like, I still could give a [ __ ] about the Dolphins or the Bears, but >> Right. Right.
>> I'm a horrible investment fan-wise.
[laughter] >> If they gave me >> not being a good sport.
>> No, I was not a good sport, but I I'll never forget that Bob Greasy handwritten little probably written by like >> Dennis Hassert. [laughter] >> Three questions. I like I I'm can't wait to listen. I'm I love I don't even listen to music anymore. I just listen to my friends on their podcast. I heard you on Neil's.
>> Yeah.
>> I listen to the regs a lot. Those idiots.
>> Yeah.
>> Yeah. Well, I'm glad you came.
>> Before Andy leaves, I just got to say something. And we've talked about your TV greatness, but you have you have maybe my most quoted movie line of all time, >> which is >> No, you guess.
>> Yeah.
>> What's more vulnerable than a peach?
>> Just it's a boat. Oh, cabin boy. It's so great. Yeah. Think about it all the time. Anytime >> boat.
>> He comes over. I forget what the actual name what he's asking for, but is this the Queen Mary the third? And you're like >> And he's Yeah. He rattles stuff up.
>> It's a boat.
>> Yeah. Yeah.
>> And anytime anybody asks me anything and I It's a boat. [laughter] >> I never knew why you said that.
>> Yeah.
>> You said that to me a couple times.
>> Yeah. Uh it's a boat.
>> Is that one Do you have a favorite thing you've ever said on camera?
>> No. Not that I can think Do you have a favorite role?
>> Um, that was a pretty good one. That that was pretty good.
>> That wasn't actually my first role. My f I had a small part in a in a what we at the time called a cable movie uh for HBO that was [laughter] uh it was actually directed by Michael Richie who directed Smile. You know, he was kind of like a Robert Almanesque kind of director. And um it was called the I think allegedly true adventures of the Texas cheerleader murdering mom.
Like do you remember?
>> I saw it.
>> Did you see that? Yeah. Holly Hunter's in it. She's [ __ ] amazing in it. But I had I had one role as like a sheriff's deputy in that. And that was like the first my first movie role. And I felt like I won a contest or something because it just like >> But plus you get to dress as a sheriff.
You want to wear it home?
>> I know. I went Well, >> can I go to 7-Eleven like this? I drove out. It was like in Tarzana or something at a high school >> and uh [laughter] but like I drove out there and uh and you know I had like a 10 a.m. call time or something. got there, got in my sheriff's gear, got handed a rubber gun, and the the props guy gave me such a dressing down of like, if I see you pulling this thing out, I know it's a fake gun, but if I see you pulling it out or touching it in any way, I'm going to have make sure you get sent home right away. Like, you know, like the real stuff.
>> Chill out, Alex.
>> And then I uh >> And then I Wow.
>> Wow. [laughter] >> And then I uh >> he moved. He knew I was going to hit >> Yeah.
And then I I went and sat down with a bunch of other cop extra background and uh when Holly Hunter came in because I'd seen her at the table read, she stopped and talked. She's like, "Hey, how are you? How are you doing?" And it was such a like a like all of the other guys like she's ridiculous. Oh, who are you? You know, >> she really is ridiculously great.
>> She's fantastic. She's >> I met her on Jerry Magcguire. She was married to the DP Yannish Kamiski.
>> Yeah.
>> And I was just like, how are these two together?
>> Yeah. cuz he's like, you know, from the slums of Poland and she's [ __ ] Holly Hunter.
>> Hunter. He actually he and I went to the same uh film school in Chicago really.
And he's Yeah. And I didn't know him very well, but he was a >> a notoriously like goofball of a guy, like a very funny weirdo.
>> He said one of the best things. I'll never forget it and it helped me trust directors and DPS for the rest of my life. He's like, "When you do this, when you go from the A to B, I need you to walk like this." I forget what it was specifically, but I I looked at him. I go, "I've done it twice. It feels ridiculous." He goes, "Yes, but it looks fantastic."
>> Yeah.
>> And I was like, "Okay."
>> Yep. Yep.
>> It's one of the things I've learned.
Very little things in this world need my input. And >> yeah, >> it's [laughter] amazing. If I just [ __ ] have no input, everyone lives a great life.
>> Yeah. No, I I just worked on something recently and there was like somebody that was asking lots of questions about why this and why that, you know, like for their character and stuff and I just was like just cuz [laughter] just just cuz. Just do it, you know.
>> Hey, Dad.
>> Uh, you know. Hey, Dad.
>> Yeah. [laughter] >> I can't I'm going to laugh all night cuz they're going to both hit me with it.
>> Dad.
>> Dad. Across the room for me.
>> Yes. I'm taking a shower now. [laughter] >> He won't dry his feet. What do you mean?
>> Footprints from the bathroom to the bedroom every day. Dry your [ __ ] feet.
>> Oh my god. [laughter] >> Everything's like >> Yeah. Yeah.
>> They Well, you know, the older one, I'm sure, is like calming down, which >> genius.
>> Yeah.
>> It's going for a doctorate in addiction psychology. I don't know why he picked that.
>> Wow. [laughter] >> I I came upon this as an adlib last night of all the times in my life to have a kid that can write me prescriptions. And now I'm sober. Oh, shaking my fist at God. [laughter] Thank you, Andy.
>> Oh, thank you, Jay.
>> J Mo is my uncle.
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