A minute for - Paige Behan

Hinzugefügt: 2026-05-28

[00:00:04]Welcome back to Give Me a Minute Podcast. I'm Robin.

[00:00:07]>> My name is Jess. And I'm Paige. Hi.

[00:00:09]>> Welcome on. Hi.

[00:00:10]>> I'm so happy.

[00:00:12]>> We're so happy to have you here.

[00:00:14]>> Bing to finally have Paige here.

[00:00:15]>> It's been a long time coming.

[00:00:16]>> Who the [ __ ] is Paige?

[00:00:17]>> So, um, De's fed me, by the way, before I got here. So, I'm really content sitting here. Um, so my name is Paige.

[00:00:23]I'm 27. I'm from Body Frame, and I transitioned from male to female.

[00:00:28]>> Diva.

[00:00:30]clock. It's so yeah, um I started my transition when I was 15. Um I'm 27 now posttop and just living my best diva existence.

[00:00:39]>> So why did you transition? Cuz you've your story is even that bit more complex.

[00:00:46]>> Yeah. So basically I was diagnosed with a condition of a disorder of sexual development. So it's basically called interex. Yes.

[00:00:53]>> So I lived the first 15 years of my life as a male and I became I became really unwell. um small little symptoms like heartburn. I never grew body hair. This kind of thing and went to my doctor and hey the old term for it is hermaphrodite. Yeah.

[00:01:07]>> So I have a disorder of sexual development or interex is the the terminology that's put to it. I was given the option then at 15 whether I wanted to have surgery >> and go on testosterone. Basically go on TRT then to become male.

[00:01:20]>> Male Yeah. Or I could have waited a little bit longer, like a couple of more years, and went on cross sex hormones and became transitioned to female, which at that point, I think being 15 years of age and having that kind of news. I'd never known what trans was really.

[00:01:34]>> Yeah.

[00:01:34]>> But it became like it became so I knew like straight away that that was exactly what I wanted to do.

[00:01:40]>> No way. So you found out, you said son of a [ __ ] I mean, >> I wasing me hair. I was like, I'm on female birthday cards. I was wearing little Polarax Chelsea boots and all like straight away. So yeah, it kind of just happened. so quick then >> and even before you were 15 and you found out you ever did you feel like maybe transition would have been in your future?

[00:01:58]>> Like I was born like I I came out as gay when I was like 14.

[00:02:01]>> Mhm.

[00:02:01]>> So I I was attracted to men but I thought like coming out as gay would make me feel >> normal or make me feel better in myself and that weight would be lifted but it wasn't. So I kind of felt a little bit lost and I always knew that I was different in some way shape or form but I just never could put my finger on it.

[00:02:17]>> But you didn't even know what it was.

[00:02:18]You didn't even know it was an option.

[00:02:19]You were also so young baby, you know.

[00:02:22]>> Well, like me and my mom went home and watched like a Louis 3 documentary on like transgender kids and there was like loads of trans kids on it and I was like that's me war and crying.

[00:02:32]>> A >> so me and my mom sat down with a baby dictionary and a glass of wine when I was 15 and um we went with I was Jade for 3 months. So J A Y D E which never stuck though. Never stuck. And then we my birth name began with a P. So my given name at birth began with P. So, we went through the pe section in the little girl's names and found page and it just suited me straight away, you know? So, yeah.

[00:02:55]>> It's crazy. I couldn't like >> I know >> I forgot that you get a birth name even.

[00:02:59]I'm like, it's Paige.

[00:03:00]>> Yeah. Do you know like >> like even even being called Paige at the start like it just fits so well.

[00:03:04]>> Were you able to respond to it straight away?

[00:03:06]>> But no, it wasn't me responding to it more. So, it was more it was more people's perception and people's ability to go straight into Paige.

[00:03:13]>> Yeah. which I loved because there was a couple of people I think people that knew me pre-transition had it harder because they obviously knew me before but then friendships and connections that I made with people after transition or during transition has been fine because they never knew the person before >> the person before. Yeah. And to be honest like I didn't even know the person before. Like I look whack at photos and like >> I was genuinely a shell of a person.

[00:03:37]Like I wasn't >> I don't remember a lot of it. Like I don't have memories of it. Um I look at that person and it's very alien.

[00:03:45]>> Yeah.

[00:03:46]>> You know, but like it's mad. Like 12 years and I finally finished like I had my last surgery there in April. So it was Yeah. It's very humbling and it's very nice to wake up every morning and sit on the edge of my bed and feel free.

[00:03:57]>> Yeah. Of course. And because I see I've seen loads of times a photo of you. I think you're on a slide out your background and I'm like that's >> P.

[00:04:10]Yes. So, like years ago, my sister used to put rollers in my hair and like I'd wear like basically like a kids oversized tea and I'd g a bottle of hairspray. Thought I was the [ __ ] >> in a dress.

[00:04:20]>> Yeah. Literally. And um I used to like put on like me sister's bikini and like stand on a slide. I was four years of age. So like I don't know how anyone >> knew who she was from.

[00:04:30]>> Yeah.

[00:04:31]>> But like Yeah. Shocking that nobody was able to go like something's not right there. Like we need to help that child.

[00:04:37]Well, so and like you say, so when you found this out, you were so lucky. You were so helped. Obviously, your mom is [ __ ] amazing. That story is sitting down with a bottle of wine and picking a [ __ ] name. Like, that's iconic. Yeah, it is. And we know obviously not everybody's met with that kind of love and support.

[00:04:53]>> But to be honest with you, look, I think I think a lot of a lot of people that are met with non-support are from people that are either uneducated or close-minded. And I think that like throughout my whole transition, I've realized that you can only sit down and explain your story to somebody as much as you can, but if they're not willing to actually grasp that concept and take that on board, you're wasting your breath.

[00:05:13]>> You may as well be talking to that wall.

[00:05:14]>> 100%.

[00:05:16]I've >> I think I'm very lucky to be able to have come from a such such a great support network. Now, saying that, my biological dad like thought I had an illness and thought that conversion therapy was the way forward, that I was that I was born incorrect. And like my my my dad stopped talking to me when I was 15. Like you know like >> So you knew him up until you were >> Well, no. I knew him up until like properly like my mom and dad divorced when I was 12, but like he was in my life kind of in and out. He was very kind of very very um my my dad had a lot of money and my dad was very transactional with things like my dad bought me a horse. He bought me an ambulance before like a scrap ambulance because I love >> his way to express love like >> Yeah. It was very monetary, very financial but when I came out >> not the ambulance.

[00:05:54]>> Yeah. No, it was it was a scrap old ambulance that I used to play in when I was a kid. Yeah.

[00:05:59]>> Sorry. So, we got like a doll's house and paid for a [ __ ] ambulance.

[00:06:02]>> I had a horse. Yeah. [ __ ] mad. But saying that, um I never forget when I had started to kind of grow my hair out.

[00:06:10]He had like I had a horse, but it was in my dad's and I went up to visit and uh me and my dad had an argument and he said that I was sick and wrong and that um if I was to ever transition, he'd cut my chest off, like you know, things like that. And I remember running away from him. We picked up a pitchfork and threw it and it literally went like that past my sides.

[00:06:27]>> Oh.

[00:06:27]>> And that that was the last day I ever seen or spoke to my dad. Now bear in mind like my dad hasn't seen me since I've been a year into my transition, like six months into my transition. And I guarantee he'd probably walk by me and not recognize me.

[00:06:38]>> You wouldn't recognize you.

[00:06:39]>> No, that's really I'm sorry about that.

[00:06:41]>> No, it's like it look it is what it is.

[00:06:43]And like I'm not coming on to be like, "Oh jeez, this is like wo is me." But like everyone has cards that are dealt with in life and they're like I get people that say to me a lot, geez, like you're so brave and like you're so courageous and so lucky.

[00:06:54]>> But like you have no other option.

[00:06:56]>> You had no choice.

[00:06:57]>> No. Like it was transition or not be here >> today, you know? So I think when it comes to like the whole bravery aspect, you can't really like of course you can take credit for it, but like at the same time >> I got to where I am. I've learned what I've learned about myself and I know more about myself than a lot of people would.

[00:07:12]>> Yeah. probably that people take their whole life to learn about themselves.

[00:07:15]>> And I think that that is the greatest thing. I think >> of all bad situations, you have to try and find some good and take that good from it.

[00:07:22]>> I think it's like it is it's amazing and it is a testament to you and your mom like that. Like you're sitting here in front of us now.

[00:07:28]>> Love I love my mom so much.

[00:07:29]>> I'm paired.

[00:07:33]I just want to hang out with her. like I lock her in the attic and all >> but it's so gorgeous and how I can only imagine her as a mom >> to find out what your dad did and obviously she had you with him. I'm sure that was [ __ ] awful for her as well.

[00:07:52]>> Yeah, it was. But like I think >> I don't know. I think I think the the love and the respect that my mom gave me, especially through my transition, all of that kind of just disappeared.

[00:08:03]like we for like I didn't forget anything but at the same time you you don't give it the space and the time that it that it should be given because you're kind of like it it it it doesn't deserve any time you know but um >> it's [ __ ] disgusting.

[00:08:18]>> Yeah. But like >> you're talking to me now and that's all I can just visualize was your last interaction with him >> and I know like I don't like want to make this ridiculously deep and like you say you've dealt with it before but I don't know about you Jess like that's just weighing on me. I'm just like, you're trying to talk and I'm like, I can't believe that that's >> what happened to Paige. But you know what?

[00:08:36]>> Somebody that's supposed to >> The worst thing about it is imagining other trans kids in situations that probably wouldn't be as courageous or wouldn't be as strong >> in that particular moment and to to to have to confront things like that, I think, is very very scary. And like to to go past all the whole parental thing, the kids even accessing hormones now. So there's a thing I know a couple of like trans kids that are like 17, 18 and are like really really stressed because their body is obviously developing in the gender that they don't want. They've no access to hormone replacement therapy. They've no access to psychiatry services over here. Like it's a 2-year wait list. Two and a half years to be seen by an endocrinologist, like a a doctor, a specialist in hormones. Yeah.

[00:09:21]>> And they don't even get hormones on that first initial appointment. So like the suicide rate for trans people in Ireland is three and five. Three in five trans people commit suicide due to lack lack of lack of healthare. Yeah. Services >> and then if you have all that going on at home as well like that's just adding on top of it.

[00:09:37]>> Yeah. Absolutely.

[00:09:38]>> And is it hard? So like it's hard to once you get AC in two years later or whatever is it difficult then to progress in trans care in Ireland or how does that look?

[00:09:48]>> So like you once you start hormone replacement therapy there's a quote where you have to meet. You have to be on hormone replacement therapy for a certain amount of time before you're considered eligible for surgery.

[00:09:58]>> Now, the surgery that I had has never been done in Ireland. So, I went to Munich.

[00:10:03]>> Yes.

[00:10:03]>> So, I spent 29 days in Munich for my fourth surgery. I spent 10 days of that alone.

[00:10:08]>> And also the cost.

[00:10:09]>> Well, the cost Yeah. Like all in all, my transition cost me about 43,000 just for my bottom surgery.

[00:10:15]>> So, the first surgery was 35 grand. So, the surgery was split into different parts. And then um I had to go back then for a revision which some of that wasn't covered. Um the reason I paid that now I've I've I've worked very hard since I'm 18 years of age to afford that surgery.

[00:10:28]>> You've been working towards >> I worked in the George. I worked full-time. I worked weekends.

[00:10:32]>> I was only talking to Jess about it [ __ ] the other day when we knew you were coming on and whatever. I was like she does all of this all of the million things in the million jobs and then you just see her like on a random night like [ __ ] behind the bar in the door.

[00:10:44]>> Yeah, I know. Electronic glass or or in Cafe on Town or something. You're like what are you doing? You're like I'm clocked in.

[00:10:50]start and [ __ ] >> I got a surgery.

[00:10:52]>> Yeah, I do. I I do like a few cross.

[00:10:57]>> Yeah, but like >> the only reason I have to pay that money is because so you can get the surgery for free on the NHS, >> but this surgery is I won't I wouldn't call it it's it's not the best technique. So, there's a couple of different techniques. There's the penile inversion. So, they basically just turn the penis inside out.

[00:11:15]>> Um they split the head of the penis in half. One half becomes the clitoris.

[00:11:19]that kind of thing. The second one would be the Pina version with like a colon graft. So they take some of your colon.

[00:11:25]Then they have a urethral mucosa. So they take some of your urethra and put it into the back of the vagina. So it stretches and self-lubricates. And then the best one and the one that I had was called the paritinal pullthrough method.

[00:11:35]So they take a part of your abdominal muscle in your stomach. Put that into the back of the vagina. It stretches. It self-lubricates. And it acts basically like a a native or biological vagina would. And then the surgeons I chose have >> That's crazy what they can do, isn't it?

[00:11:49]>> Unreal. But like the the surgeons I chose like meticulously hid the sutures in the labia folds.

[00:11:55]>> Yeah.

[00:11:58]>> Like designer vagina.

[00:11:59]>> Designer vagina. Yeah. But like they hid the the scars inside like my labia. So like it's scarless. Like you wouldn't But like I'm only what I I only had surgery five weeks ago again. Crazy.

[00:12:09]>> So sorry. So you've had the first one was hell. I watched the whole thing through your close stories.

[00:12:14]>> Sorry. Before you go on, we're all in [ __ ] pajamas.

[00:12:16]>> I know. I love >> We never addressed it because Speaking of surgery, so she's surgery diva. I'm just post the laparoscopy. Another surgery diva. And then obviously, as you know, Jess isn't long after hers. And my stomach's just [ __ ] in bits and we all felt like [ __ ] today. And I can't really walk around. So, one thing led to another and the girls were in Penny's getting pajamas. That's why we look so >> And that's why we're matching.

[00:12:37]>> We're going to put a movie on after this.

[00:12:38]>> Yeah.

[00:12:40]>> And just a massive thank you to T and Caitlyn that set everything up because I can't. you divas icon.

[00:12:44]>> I can barely lift a [ __ ] vape up today. You know, >> you're ins.

[00:12:51]But we were lying to get Paige on because I have this like me and Paige have this weird parasocial relationship.

[00:12:56]We never actually met, but like every time something bad happens to Ped or something bad happens to me. We're down like on each other's voice notes like it >> roaring and shouting at each other like being like this is what has have to happen. This is what's have to happen.

[00:13:08]And it's gas because like we I literally got a cigar today and it was just like so >> normal. Completely normal which is great.

[00:13:15]>> I know. We had the best day. So the first surgery, the 30 days when you did the first 10 days on your own.

[00:13:21]>> Uhhuh. Yeah. So I was I was in I was I was in a bit of a toxic relationship at the time. Um my ex >> wasn't wasn't the best. We had obviously organized for him to come over with me for my fourth surgery. My mom was like, "We'll come over." I was like, "No, no, no. Absolutely not." two weeks before my surgery, uh, we split up and I went alone. So, I went over for the first surgery. Now, like personally speaking, I don't know how it is for other trans women that have had surgery, but it's the most intense and painful experience.

[00:13:50]Like, for me personally, like I was passing out and everything from pain and it was it's just constant like >> the stories like it was so >> I had to get an epidural and all on site >> after.

[00:14:00]>> Yeah. after. So like the before I I came out of surgery. I was in surgery for hours and hours and hours and I remember waking up in recovery and there was a trans guy in the bed next to me in recovery >> and he went like that and he pulled the covers and I went like that and I could see that obviously what I had between my legs was gone and the relief >> and I could see the tubes and all and I knew it was done. So I just looked at him and we both smiled and then I was gone.

[00:14:22]>> I was gone like >> I'm not able. I know. No, cuz I watched the whole thing as well like >> and I just know how >> Yeah, it was Yeah, it was grim.

[00:14:30]>> Like the fact that you look down and you're bandaged and you're black and blue and there's tubes everywhere and you're like relieved that that's what you've seen rather than is everyone balling. Yeah. Over there.

[00:14:41]>> Sorry. I literally just started surgery and I think I'm a bit broken.

[00:14:44]>> No, I'm numb. Numb. No, I'm sitting here with chest pain and numb.

[00:14:47]>> I'm just more delighted for you that that was your experience. But you know, whatever's [ __ ] wrong with me, I'm like, isn't I know, and this isn't to diminish anything, but obviously you had access to health care quicker because you were interex. That's not everybody's case. So, like you say, there's so many things that got you to where you are at age 27 and like the [ __ ] was that?

[00:15:07]>> My computer computer >> computer.

[00:15:16]But automatically I go to all the people that might not ever have that feeling.

[00:15:20]Do you know what I mean?

[00:15:21]>> Yeah. No, 100%.

[00:15:22]>> I don't know what's wrong with me.

[00:15:23]>> And out the three out of five that never make it or don't have family support.

[00:15:27]But >> no, it is I'm just so delighted that you got the experience that you want. Like you have a whole vagina now.

[00:15:33]>> I know. But like it's >> But the pain tell me about it. So you look down and you're like >> gone. It was they went like that like Kobe like like testicles in in in in the brown bin like for compost. Like I was buzzing. Did you not want to bring them home? Make a little set of earrings. Like I was like >> dried test little dried ones. Yeah.

[00:15:52]>> What I'm a celebrity is going on.

[00:15:54]>> I know a toile like but um yeah. So like the first day like I slept I slept I slept for about 24 hours and I remember waking up and it was like someone had a lighter in between my legs.

[00:16:04]>> I screamed and screamed and screamed and >> Were you still sharing a room with this person?

[00:16:08]>> No no no no no. I was like absolutely not.

[00:16:10]>> That was just in recovery. You wake up and they're monitoring you like >> Yeah. and then they bring you to your room. But um I was on like I was on a lot of morphine. Like the first three days were like an experience that you kind of like you you it's like Vietnam flashbacks almost. You get like the odd >> thought and you remember it and you're like oh my god. But like day four was yeah grim. So I had to have an epidural and then I got some tissue necrosis. So the graft had started to die and they bring you in and they cut that graft off but you're in your senses you get no pain relief. So like you're on a chair in syrups and they're cutting away and like I was in Germany and like they kept saying like sheeran and pinsetta is tweezers and scissors.

[00:16:49]>> Oh my god.

[00:16:50]>> So like you'd be lying on the you'd be lying in the on the giny table like with your legs in the air and there's a doctor in between your legs and once you hear them say that you're like they're going to [ __ ] hack away. I mean now like this is >> no pain relief.

[00:16:59]>> No no no no. There's absolutely no pain relief because that that procedure is normally done in a general anesthetic environment but that needed to be done like five or six times throughout the 29 day stay.

[00:17:11]>> Okay. So they couldn't be putting you under GA that much. And second of all, >> even if they do give you a local, like every nerve that you have is moved around. So like you're still going to feel intense sheer pain. So you'd pass out during it like >> but there was a window beside the guy in your bed like and one day it was like lashing rain >> and they just told me headside and I was roaring crying and then my surgeon the one like she performed the procedure like shout out to Dr. Suzan Morat. She's a [ __ ] diva. But um she came in and just held me hand >> a >> cuz like there's nothing like >> there's nothing anyone can do.

[00:17:41]>> But there was like 15 of us on the ward.

[00:17:43]13 of us were transgender women and there was two transgender men. And it was really really nice to be finally in in a space where you felt understood because I don't have many trans friends.

[00:17:54]Yeah.

[00:17:54]>> And some of the trans friends that I have are preop.

[00:17:57]>> Yeah.

[00:17:57]>> So to walk down a ward with your catster and like see other trans people that are going through the exact same thing that you're going through, you don't feel like an alien. You don't feel like a weirdo. You don't feel so alone because they're all there together. They're all there alone.

[00:18:08]>> You can compare stories.

[00:18:09]>> Are they the kind of feeling? Is that how you would have felt growing up?

[00:18:13]Alien weirdo.

[00:18:14]>> Yeah. But like I also battled internally like before I had surgery. Like I'd have a shower and I wouldn't be able to look at myself past the waist. Like I'd stand in the mirror and I'd look at myself and I wouldn't associate like what I had in between my legs was just excess skin. It wasn't >> Yeah.

[00:18:27]>> wasn't. And it g it gave me sheer and immense dysphoria like >> to the point like you'd be suicidal from it. Like Yeah. Because obviously we heard that. We hear that, but it's not something that me or Jess like have ever experienced. Like I can't imagine.

[00:18:41]>> Yeah. Like like I I was a self harmmer for for a good part of my life. I'm sure you've seen.

[00:18:46]>> Yeah. But um I used to like go into hospital and stuff like that. You'd be brought in and a psychiatrist would sit in front of you that wouldn't be much older than you and wouldn't have any trans experience >> and try and speak to you from what they've learned from a textbook. and you can't even begin to explain to them the depth and level of sheer terror and dysphoria and feeling like you are living in a body that's not yours. And when you say that, you're kind of branded as mentally ill.

[00:19:12]>> Yeah.

[00:19:13]>> Like being trans was classified as a mental health disorder until 2010 by the World Health Organization. But >> you are almost branded then as somebody that's manic. So, I wouldn't even waste my time explaining to a psychiatrist how I felt because they'd never understand that or they'd try and medicate it. And I can hand on heart say that the second I had my first gender assignment surgery in 2024. I have had no feelings of depression. I've had no feelings of anxiety. I have genuinely been the happiest I've ever been in my life. And it's so sad that >> it took me until I was 25 to actually wake up in the morning and think I have my life for the first time because I never had my life >> and now I can do anything I want. said it's so special.

[00:19:50]>> I know.

[00:19:51]>> And you're out here being an absolute girl boss.

[00:19:54]>> Look at her.

[00:19:54]>> I'm going to start crying and all stuff.

[00:19:56]>> I know.

[00:19:57]>> Yeah. So, yeah.

[00:19:58]>> Okay. So, then surgery number two.

[00:20:02]>> So, I I didn't actually know I needed a second surgery and like they come in every 3 hours and you change your bandages. Like they'd wake you up and like she'd reef the knickers off you in the bed like like no. Like you'd be like literally she'd pull you down the bed like and like they're big German women like and >> no one would probably mind you better than that German woman.

[00:20:19]>> I tell you she had she had me ankles on her shoulders. She was just brilliant.

[00:20:23]Like it feel shocking but >> um they uh they changed her bandages and all and she gave me a a spigel a mirror and she handed it to me and I had me legs open and she was like just have a look like she's like it's gorgeous. Well no it was like someone got a can of bought a bottle of course smashed it and glassed me. I was like, "What am I to do?" So, I felt very mutilated, but like I was having a little look like she gave me a little gloves, having a little feel around, whatever. And she was like I was like, "What's that?" It's like a little lump. And she's like, "Oh, that's called the bulbous. Um, we'll remove that in a second surgery."

[00:20:56]>> I like the first time in a minute. Yeah.

[00:20:58]Now, I would have been about 7 to 10 days posttop, I'd say, at the time. And I was like, "What? What you want to do?"

[00:21:04]Like >> second surgery.

[00:21:05]>> Yeah. And she was like, "Yeah." So, that's like a reptile tissue. we don't want to take too much off in the force surgery because it can cause incontinence and blah blah blah blah but like it's only I was freaking and she's like just it'll go down a little bit but if it's too big like let me know and I noticed like when I came home that it it was noticeable and like I didn't go through all of that in my entire life transitioning and I didn't finally get the surgery I wanted after basically 10 years of transition to not be fully happy with my result.

[00:21:33]>> Yeah. No. Amen.

[00:21:34]>> So I Yeah. I >> you just spent 40 [ __ ] grand on a [ __ ] puss. I wanted to be pristine the house down. I want to be the prettiest geek cat in the whole of the whole the whole of Northern and Southern Ireland. Republic of Ireland.

[00:21:46]>> The Republic of Ireland.

[00:21:47]>> Yeah. So I coochie out.

[00:21:49]>> I sent [ __ ] pics like Tim Timmy Son.

[00:21:52]You know the sunbeds that have the reflective floor on them. You know the sun the stand up sunbeds that have the floor that's reflective. You can see everything. I sent her everything I said.

[00:22:00]>> Oh my god. page booking in for 10 minutes and she still followed you. No, I was 100% I be like not like that.

[00:22:11]>> So I um I sent photos and I was like look come here like once on Trip Advisor I'm not happy.

[00:22:16]>> I get this.

[00:22:18]>> Yeah. Get get at me. So um I went back and I had the bulbous removed completely which is the best the best thing in the entire universe. I had um so like the way my vagina goes is like down and in.

[00:22:33]Well, the way it went so like in order to get anything inside me, it has to go down and in.

[00:22:37]>> Okay.

[00:22:38]>> So, I had the entrance to my vagina cut a little bit like almost like an azonomy.

[00:22:42]>> Yeah.

[00:22:43]>> And I had it cut and extended downwards.

[00:22:45]So, like penetration instead of having to go down and in, it can just go in just for dilation.

[00:22:49]>> I'm sorry to cut across you, but so this actually this is just a really [ __ ] whack observation. So, when you were telling me about surgery one because you didn't have a vagina, I was going, "Yeah, that must be horrible." Yeah. But now that there's one there and you're talking about slicing it open, I'm about to [ __ ] pass out.

[00:23:04]>> Oh my god, >> that's [ __ ] mad.

[00:23:07]>> Now that it's a vagina, she's like, "Fuck's going inside of me."

[00:23:10]>> Yeah. I'm like, "What?" Sorry. I'm I'm like, she talks so openly about that puss and I would if I spent that much money on mine as well, but like I'm not I can't even use a [ __ ] tampon.

[00:23:18]Sorry. And we'll come back to it. But we need to because this is back going back to surgery one. Dilating.

[00:23:24]>> Oh my god.

[00:23:25]>> Dilating.

[00:23:26]>> Rotten.

[00:23:27]>> Dilating was my idea of [ __ ] hell. If we can get a [ __ ] picture of the [ __ ] tools that poor Paige had to put inside that [ __ ] 40k puss. Bring it up.

[00:23:36]>> I have it. Because >> she'd be like, "Oh, here we go. I have to die." Like waiting.

[00:23:40]>> They were like mask handles. Someone someone chatbt a a policeman holding one and it looked like a bat.

[00:23:49]Didn't it >> literally?

[00:23:50]>> No. Like I used to be screaming, roaring, balling, crying.

[00:23:53]>> Um, >> how long did you have to do that for?

[00:23:56]>> Three times a day.

[00:23:57]>> Explain dilation >> for the forest 12 weeks. 20 minutes time. So an hour a day. This was something in me like >> you're just lying there with >> But when I wasn't dilating, I had to put bandages in a condom, wrap the tie the condom in a knot and just put it in me.

[00:24:09]So like I was like floating around with condom in me.

[00:24:11]>> Like a big huge tampon.

[00:24:13]>> Yeah. But like a slippery condom like in me all day. like all day. I was I was like a hot water bottle going around.

[00:24:19]>> You can imagine me you imagine me watching her stories with all the things inside her all the time.

[00:24:23]>> And you have this open wound that you're putting this into really like >> Yeah. It was rotten.

[00:24:29]>> And do they come in a range of sizes? Is it like a selection of dildos?

[00:24:32]>> It basically looks like dildos. Hello Mr. Gray. I'm going to [ __ ] >> Oh my god. And it's just it's not a red room. It's Paige's [ __ ] surgery room.

[00:24:40]Like [ __ ] off momating again. me mask come upstairs to wash and I'm like I wouldn't come in here if I were you now like >> out like >> you just get this 40k >> that's kind of what they look like but like the the ones I had are white >> yeah they look not that bad >> you see them >> when she used to have them laid out on the bed when it was gold >> I like I like the colors >> no yeah very pretty colors but like in implements of mass order like >> was it paint so this is so obviously it's sore because it's a wound Like you've just had your you've just had it your literally your self [ __ ] turned inside out and flipped upside down.

[00:25:17]>> Yeah.

[00:25:18]>> But >> can like do you have are you what you look shaking her for?

[00:25:22]>> Cuz I'm just I'm still I'm thinking >> she's woozy. Do you need to lie down quick nurse page?

[00:25:28]>> She emblem I'm not able. I just know what I just I >> Are you imagining like the whole dilation thing and all? I I just think about all of it and like like I say you if you could the stories were a [ __ ] era it like screaming like I feel like we're we're explaining it but we're also not like she was on stories screaming like I mean how >> in pain and people in it are constantly and at her again and >> yeah it was pretty grim.

[00:25:56]>> It was [ __ ] grim.

[00:25:58]>> Yeah, it was Yeah, it was quite bad but like I I came home then and it was like you're in that pain but you're at home.

[00:26:04]>> Yeah. And then I so I had an infection when I was over there towards the end.

[00:26:08]So like this was July in like a really old hospital the where I had my surgery and I ended up getting a clevisella infection but the disinfection was resistant to a lot of antibiotics and I was on IV antibiotics for about 8 days and they sent me home and my infection came back when I was at home. So I presented to St. James's Hospital. We'll get into that. I think I fear I fear we're getting into this now.

[00:26:31]>> Yeah, definitely.

[00:26:32]>> Um I went to St. James' hospital and I knew what I needed. I had a clevisella and entertakal infection. I needed introvenous pipas pipellin and tazabactum and I needed that over a course of 5 to seven days introvenously.

[00:26:43]>> The the best route of administration for that.

[00:26:46]>> I knew what I had. I had the blood cultures from Germany. I knew what my treatment was.

[00:26:51]>> Yeah.

[00:26:51]>> And you just needed someone to canul you up.

[00:26:53]>> I just needed a canulate. I I need to be canulated and I needed to be commened on it.

[00:26:58]>> Um and I was refused to care by St. James's. So St. James's the plastic surgery department didn't have any training in anything trans so refused to touch me. H gynecology in St. James has said that they don't treat gynecological issues unless they're oncology. So unless it's like a cervical cancer um an ovarian cancer >> but you had an infection.

[00:27:18]>> Exactly.

[00:27:18]>> Regardless of where it was like if it was in me hand would you have done it?

[00:27:21]>> And if you want to call a spade a spade a lot of people would say that the surgically created vagina is just a wound. So I just had a wound infection.

[00:27:28]>> It should have just been wound care.

[00:27:30]That's exactly that's it. So, um they left me really really sick in there for hours and then told me to go to a maternity hospital that I'd be better treated in Hollistry. So, I bled through a maternity pad in a taxi on the way to Hollistry um was preeptic and they told me that they were going to make Hollistry aware of my arrival. And when I got there, the woman at reception time was having a miscarriage >> cuz you were just >> cuz I was covered in blood. Like I was in like just a little maxi dress and I was destroyed. Like so they didn't know how to help me either. But they kept me because I was so sick >> and they kept me in Holl Street for 3 days, but they put me on a ward on my own in a corridor on the third floor where nobody was around me because there probably would have been someone saying something about there's there's a trans person on this ward. I'm very uncomfortable or this trans person shouldn't be around us. We are neighboring mothers.

[00:28:20]>> Yeah. So to keep everything sweet, they left me on my own in a room for 3 days.

[00:28:24]Um but I will say that they did help me.

[00:28:26]>> Um and my surgeons in Germany were great but um I did take St. James Hospital to court and I did win.

[00:28:32]>> So um I I brought them to court for discrimination against me based on gender >> and I also asked them to put a policy in place for trans healthcare so it doesn't happen to anyone else.

[00:28:43]>> Yeah. Like that's all you need to be a party for people coming home. Then like people were saying so like when everything came out about me going to court people were writing under status to saying like >> well when you die in 100 years someone's going to dig up your bones or the bones of a man. Uh nothing but a dirty smelly wound. Like you know [ __ ] like that. But someone else wrote kids in Ireland can't even get scoliosis surgery. Yeah. You want to fanny on the medical card right?

[00:29:06]>> What really [ __ ] I think that's so funny. Like I would have had and he he in his face. Like if he said that to me I like your gas. You're dead right. But my my my surgery is as as necessary than a cardiac surgery, than having your appendix out. You're going to die without them surgeries. They're necessary surgeries. My surgery was as necessary >> to your life.

[00:29:27]>> To my life?

[00:29:28]>> Yeah.

[00:29:28]>> So I like I don't see how that that how how that would be considered a routine or cosmetic or optional.

[00:29:35]>> But you weren't asking them for surgery.

[00:29:36]>> I was asking for help.

[00:29:38]>> This is Yeah. This is the if you you know to debate into it but like at the end of the day what you arrived for that was insane >> and you're being very light on how the comments were because I >> what I went on to one you shared a Facebook post and I sat on my bed screaming crying at what people were saying about >> people were telling me to sit my throats and all.

[00:30:02]>> It was [ __ ] horrendous. She just needed antibiotics >> like horrible. Did the hospital apologize?

[00:30:10]>> Yeah. So, what happened was we were in court and the day we were in court, my solicitor was like, "Look, the head of plastics is going to he's here obviously to testify their rebuttal."

[00:30:19]>> I I had a 4 and a half minute voice recording of the doctor that refused me care.

[00:30:23]>> That couldn't actually have been played out to the public because I recorded that voice note without their consent.

[00:30:28]It was a breach of GDPR.

[00:30:29]>> So, I showed my solicitor and my solicitor showed the the adjudicator in the court. Um, and based on what he had heard, he he knew that I was blatantly discriminated against because your woman was saying like, "I fought with them and they they really won't help you. Like, I'm so sorry." Like, she was admitting fault. She was apologizing, all this, but the plastic they had a plastic set in front of me at a boardroom table and he read out this [ __ ] horrible, convoluted apology. And he had his head down the whole time. Wouldn't even look at me.

[00:30:55]>> He knew what was wrong.

[00:30:56]>> And when he finished, he was standing up to leave and he looked at me and I said, "Is that is that all you have to say to me?" Like I was crying. and he was like, "We are very sorry. We are very at the end >> and just walked out of the room like >> got them to put a policy in or advocating for them to put."

[00:31:11]>> So I've I've I've asked for them. So within the four six months of that court case, I wanted them to reach out to Tenny the Transgender Equality Network and sit down and devise a policy for trans healthcare be it anyone that's postoperative because there's no there's no surgical route or there's no surgical plan for patients here in Ireland. So I want when like I had to go to a different country to a country that didn't speak English as their first language and lie in bed >> and not understand anyone and be so scared because I couldn't have access to that care in my country.

[00:31:42]>> And do they do any of that?

[00:31:44]>> None of it.

[00:31:44]>> Nothing gets done in Ireland.

[00:31:46]>> None of it. Well, like like you might you might get boobs done on the medical card in James' like but you'd be waiting 15 20 years for it.

[00:31:52]>> But no gender reassignment.

[00:31:53]>> No. No. Nothing for trans men and nothing for trans women. But like saying that even now like if I >> Why are we so behind? What the [ __ ] Like my my vagina looks no different and functions no different than is this woman's vagina other than the fact that I don't have a womb. I don't have a cervix. So a gynecologist won't even touch me over here. It's like if I have any gynecological issues, I'm jumping back on a 600y old flight to Munich.

[00:32:15]>> Yeah.

[00:32:15]>> To ask my surgeons like you know which is scary because where I was in James' asking for help and being preeptic and thinking is this is this where I die like am I am I going to die forgetting what I wanted?

[00:32:29]That shouldn't be fair that I have to go back over to to every time >> for something that really really should have been dealt over here. Yeah.

[00:32:36]>> I hope to bring it in not only for you but for whoever else is coming down the line who's going to need care. You deserve to be cared for in your own country. Like people go to [ __ ] Turkey and do crazy [ __ ] and come back and get looked after.

[00:32:46]>> Yeah.

[00:32:46]>> The whole time.

[00:32:47]>> I know.

[00:32:48]>> That's enough. And like that person didn't need to go to Turkey and get their tits done to to live, you know?

[00:32:55]That's insane. I'm so sorry, Paige.

[00:32:57]>> No, I know. Like >> but it's hard enough to go through everything and then be discriminated against in your own country by medical professionals >> especially because obviously like what you do.

[00:33:06]>> Yeah.

[00:33:06]>> Tell everybody what you do.

[00:33:08]>> So I work for a doctor. I do medical aesthetics as well. Like I did I like I do facial aesthetics. I do like filler.

[00:33:13]We see a lot of trans people for like facial masculineization or facial feminization with filler because >> you can't get that anywhere else >> or no one probably understands.

[00:33:24]>> No. Yeah. No one. So you're giving little jaw lines and like >> Yeah.

[00:33:28]>> Yeah. You're giving gender affirming care when there's nobody else to [ __ ] give it. Like our podcast probably isn't the place for it. But like it's week in week out we are just discussing gaps in gaps in healthare >> like constantly.

[00:33:43]>> Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty bad.

[00:33:44]>> But I've never heard of any any gap as big as trans. Like it's insane. So like but I did I did a radio show back in like 2019 and I had mentioned that there was no absolutely no trans healthcare and then someone had on a different show had taken the snippet of me saying that there was no trans healthcare and I said watch in two years there still there'll still be no policy for transgender people and then there was this government policy brought out a couple of months after that obviously because of what I had said about reforming trans healthcare and giving a pathway for gender affairment care and that was in 2019. We're now in 2026, seven years later and there's absolutely none and there's there's not going to be.

[00:34:23]>> But they're great at making they did it for dental as well. They make all these healthc carees and all these plans and they're going to reform the medical card for dental and you're going to get the >> that was in I think was it launch healthcare that came out. Same with the teeth and we haven't dental hasn't got anything either. Like, so they're great at sitting down and putting all this money into making these policies, but like nothing actually >> ever go there, but unfortunately like, and I can't believe that it's where we're at. And like I know you've experienced it your whole life, whereas like I've only really seen it so much in the last couple of years, but the way that the tide is going and the way that Ireland is going, you can only imagine the backlash when we do start to look at that kind of care because >> the way, like I say, what I saw on your page and I know that's what you experienced all the time, but like >> there's just even the most logical people, even the nicest, loveliest people for me are starting to >> Yeah. sway >> sway. We're starting to lose even good people.

[00:35:27]>> Yeah.

[00:35:28]>> So I I find it hard to see that there's not going to be any change in the next couple of years. Like I really do.

[00:35:36]>> Well, like as you said, there are things starting to sway. It's definitely definitely starting to sway. Like I have I have neighbors that would like talk to me and my mom and be like, "Oh, like what you were doing is so great." And then they close the door and call me a [ __ ] Do you know what I mean? Like it's it's everywhere. Like people have a lot to say about everything, but people are not living the lives that we would live. People have no ability to have an opinion or form an opinion. Like what what am I doing that's so damaging to you? I'm not indoctrinating your kids.

[00:36:06]I'm not standing there trying to teach your kids about trans rights. I'm not doing that. Which should be it should be. That's all the arguments you see all the time.

[00:36:14]>> I'm not I'm not like recruiting you. I'm not of the Jesus Christ a lot of day saints. So I'm not knocking at your door saying here. Do you want an estrogen patch for your child?

[00:36:23]>> Yeah. I don't want anybody to feel how I >> George on a full fringe. I give a child.

[00:36:28]I had a taxi driver ask me one time. I was getting a taxi. I worked in the George for years and I was getting into a taxi and your mom was like, "You going to George? Not one of them lesbians are you?" And I was like, "No, but I I work in there." And he was like, "Oh, yeah.

[00:36:40]Like, look, I don't mind the gays. Like, like if they're not like, you know, in me face and flamboyant and like see them see them drag them them them them them drag queens like wanting to be women and all. It makes me [ __ ] sick." This man had no concept of the difference between gender and sexual orientation for one.

[00:36:55]And this man didn't understand the concept of drag queens and trans people.

[00:36:58]So he's he automatically muddled >> drag people performing in art with people that are actually medically transition. And that's like I couldn't even begin to try and explain that.

[00:37:10]>> Yeah. I'm at a point and even sometimes you've been annoyed with me about it where it's like if I'd look at a certain person or if somebody makes a blanket statement I go >> I can't even if I was to start with you we'd need to sit down for the next three months eight hours a day for you to try and understand how the world works and what's going on and I actually can't give any more to you like people are just [ __ ] thick but I just can't I don't know how you do get on with it because the amount of times even on this podcast alone I've cried about stuff like this. I like I >> lose it.

[00:37:46]>> So, do you know how I put up with it?

[00:37:47]>> Please.

[00:37:48]>> Because >> I know myself more than anyone that has those opinions would. I wake up every morning and I know more about myself and who I am. And I know I have such a grasp on myself >> and I'm so content and so happy. And I've reached that because of what I've went through and because of what I faced. And people that are like that, they don't they will never grasp the concept. Their minds can't even begin to fathom that. And like that's sad. Not being able to live a life that is open-minded or able to grasp anything other than what they know and the norm and they have their blinkers on. I think that's a very very sad life to live not being able to be open and expressionate.

[00:38:32]So I would never like they I don't see I actually don't see them people to be honest with you because they are the most irrelevant. I wouldn't waste breath. I wouldn't waste time. That is a waste of my time even entertaining that.

[00:38:46]>> That's the only way you can do it. You just have to be kind of a little bit blind to it. Like I can open myself up and being an advocate, but I'm also put myself down in danger by being this open >> ally and being out there and talking about my trans rights, >> but I could easily then be attacked for being trans. I know.

[00:39:00]>> So, like there's a fine line between wanting to be an advocate to help people or live in your life.

[00:39:04]>> I so feel that. Like obviously my shit's nothing like yours, but we even talked about around the times of like the [ __ ] um tractor protests, but it's like I'm at I can't give everybody my time, but also I'm very outspoken, but also like I'm so outspoken about stuff that in the height of those protests, I couldn't have gone to Okonnell Street.

[00:39:24]>> Yeah.

[00:39:24]>> You know what I mean? because I put people know me now as your one that's [ __ ] spouting off.

[00:39:31]>> But they do. It's just like here she like here she is again. You're [ __ ] like your one with the nose ring. Like she's off again. Do you know what I mean?

[00:39:39]>> No, I get you are putting yourself >> you are. It's like you want to help, but also and it's the same, you know, like about even people that >> you might come into contact with and they make a statement and you're like, I feel like I should try and educate you, but it's also like it's just so exhausting to be the person all the time. You can't make everybody understand how the world works.

[00:40:00]>> No, you can't.

[00:40:01]>> And why they get so like riled up. It's you're not living that life. I know.

[00:40:06]>> What does this person transitioning? Why are you getting all riled up about it?

[00:40:10]Exactly. It has nothing got to do with you.

[00:40:11]>> That's what blows my mind the most. I do be like like live and let live. Let them >> Do you know what the best thing is? The best thing is like meeting people and like them not knowing you're trans. So like I' I've met loads of people >> I can only [ __ ] imagine.

[00:40:23]>> Oh my god.

[00:40:24]>> You have the tea.

[00:40:25]>> You know the tea. You have no idea. The amount of people that like I would be introduced to at parties or like friends of friends or whatever and like you're sitting there and you're chatting and like these kind of controversial topical conversations come up.

[00:40:34]>> Why do they always come up? I love disclosing then the fact that I'm trans and you can see people kind of like >> [ __ ] glitching out >> like yeah they like they're they melt they have meltdowns because they're like what one what the [ __ ] did I say two anything that I've said has absolutely no moral construct or understanding and [ __ ] like >> yeah but there in it like you're sitting there as a woman being like you didn't [ __ ] whiteboards coming out handbag I'm like he she >> but like yeah but it's great because a lot of people like love to run their mouth things that they know [ __ ] all about.

[00:41:08]>> I know. What's the most that you're met with? Like the most stupid thing that everyone says and you're like, "Oh, here we go."

[00:41:13]>> Oh. Oh my god. So women, when women turn around and say to me, "Oh my god." Like what? You're so lucky you don't get a period. Is one I get all the time. All the time. And um if I could give you some of my boobs, I would. Like they're they're trying to be nice, but it's the most backhanded [ __ ] thing ever. Like what?

[00:41:34]or like you're so glad that you can't have children. Well, actually, no. I'd actually give both my legs to be able to carry and have a child.

[00:41:39]>> Give both me like to have a period and to grow kids and to do all these things.

[00:41:43]>> 100% like not you clocking me tits. Like >> I think you should see them in the private story be out in Paris. No, >> I know. I >> I found out today. So, >> [ __ ] follow requests. Everyone's going like, "Add me to that private store."

[00:42:02]>> Sick. Like you can tell like Paige is like after [ __ ] she's texting someone new because the close friends get spicy.

[00:42:10]>> I on the bed legs [ __ ] diva.

[00:42:14]>> Oh my god.

[00:42:14]>> Tell us what you said in the car earlier on about your DM since you got your >> Oh my god. Dry. But like, but I'm I'm kind of glad now. I am I'm just going to say I am talking I am talking to a guy at the moment and >> um we're actually going to go for some tea after this. But if we ever let you live.

[00:42:29]>> Well, we're kind of going to put a movie on, get a little courier or something.

[00:42:31]But but um it's it's nice. But I will say what I have noticed is when I was preop, I got a lot of messages from guys. Now I'm talking I'll show you some examples after this. A lot of very influential people. Um one in particular I'll show you. Um but I used to get a lot of messages from men because they think it was something different for them. Like it was like a fetish or >> Yeah. I had a little My mom used to call me a unicorn before I had my surgery.

[00:42:58]She was like, "You have something that no one else has." You know what I mean?

[00:43:00]>> And since I've had surgery, I'm just another woman. And it's all I've ever wanted.

[00:43:04]>> I know.

[00:43:04]>> Just to be another woman.

[00:43:05]>> Why do you ever want to just be another woman? But can you just hit me up in the DMs?

[00:43:08]>> Yeah.

[00:43:09]>> Our DMs are dry.

[00:43:11]>> No, no, I'm I'm actually okay with it.

[00:43:12]I'm very content with DMs. So, not money has come near me.

[00:43:15]>> Yeah. The But can you talk about what that was like? like trying to differentiate >> love from fetishism.

[00:43:25]>> Yeah.

[00:43:25]>> Yeah. Well, I don't think I've ever been in a relationship that I wasn't fascised.

[00:43:30]>> So, like I I haven't been in in in a relationship since I've had my my generary assignment surgery. But like prior to that, I was in a relationship where I was completely fascised. I was in a relationship where I was asked not to get my surgery or else he'd leave me.

[00:43:42]>> You know, I was in positions where I was used genuinely only because of what I had in between my legs. You know, >> that was the one thing that you just about yourself.

[00:43:52]>> No, for someone to only want that from you, you hate >> I'm thinking of Paige's head. It's like you can't look down there. You don't resonate with any but that's what they want about you. Like I can only imagine what a [ __ ] mind [ __ ] that must be.

[00:44:09]>> Yeah. But like like when I like think back to when I was younger, I used to see like I used to see all my friends like in relationships and like being able to go on a night out and like meet Fell and kiss F. I could never have that because I would be putting myself in danger by going out on a night out being a preop trans woman and picking up a guy and kissing him and then what's to say one of his mates aren't going to say something to him that I'm trans and them get aggressive with me? Or what if I go home with him and they punch the head off me? Like I had a guy before saying, "You may look like a woman, but you're going to I'm going to treat you like a man because you wear one." You know what I mean? I was in situations where I've been attacked by men. So like I never was able to have the same experiences when it came to romantic things as my friends did.

[00:44:50]>> So the men that were coming to seek you were ones who were interested because they knew.

[00:44:54]>> Yeah.

[00:44:55]>> And and they're like, you're you're a broken transgender woman and all you want is is validation and the only validation that you get is male validation. So you lap that up and you think these people love me, have my genuine interest at heart, but they're actually only using you.

[00:45:08]>> So I think like now since I've had me surgery, like it's a it's very >> it's very wholesome to be able to know that I I don't need validation from anybody else. I especially don't need validation from a man.

[00:45:18]>> I always I always seek that.

[00:45:20]>> But now nobody can give me what I've given myself by by doing this. And was that something when you went into it like were you like okay if I do this and fully go through I men might not be interested in me >> very happy.

[00:45:33]>> Yeah. Like so you are that's what I was saying. Was that something that you thought or were you just like [ __ ] it I don't care about them?

[00:45:37]>> No. Well like you know like it wasn't even a thought in my mind because I think the only person that you have to live with your whole life is yourself.

[00:45:44]No, I think Paige, you've made it. I maybe because like you say, you've done these and you've had these conversations before, but I think >> it's very clear that if that's not what you did, you weren't going to still be alive. I would have >> there wasn't a man to date because she wouldn't be here because she was in such a dark dark dark place.

[00:46:03]>> So, I I had said to my surgeon, so I went over in July 2023 for my consultation. went over on me own, only went over for a day, had a lovely time, and I told my I gave myself a year. So, I said to my surgeon that I will hold off another year and that if I didn't have surgery by the end of 2024, I was probably going to kill myself. And like that's like to say that now is the most bizarre thing because I could never imagine anything like that.

[00:46:26]>> But back then, you I was in such a dark place that I I genuinely didn't see myself living any longer with what I had. And like people talk about dysphoria and like you can have dysphoria in so many different ways.

[00:46:38]Body dysmorphia, you can have deg gender dysphoria, anything. But my dysphoria was so intense that it kind of skews it skews your your mentality an awful lot. And I did I gave myself a year and that was July 2023. And I had my surgery July 2024 on the 24th of July.

[00:46:56]>> You did it in a year.

[00:46:57]>> I did it in a year. Yeah.

[00:46:58]>> Well done, girl.

[00:46:58]>> So it's meant to it was meant to happen >> for sure. My dad said to me though, I remember I never forget it about two days before I went to Germany. My dad was like, "Are you sure that this is what you want?"

[00:47:06]>> And my my stepdad I was like, >> "Yeah, no." My stepdad said to me, we were standing out, we're literally standing out the front, he was having a stick around. He goes, "Are you sure this what you want to do?" And nobody had ever asked me that properly.

[00:47:17]>> Really?

[00:47:17]>> So I sat there and I was like, "Is this what I want to do?" And like for point five a second, I was like, "Yeah, of course it is." Like like so silly. But it was great that like my stepdad asked me that because he just had my best interest at heart. You want to make sure that it was for really what you wanted.

[00:47:31]>> I had never thought that. Never ever because it was it was the one goal I had always had my whole life, you know.

[00:47:37]>> Yeah.

[00:47:38]>> And like so, you know, this is [ __ ] an awful comparison and I haven't even done it. But, you know, like people want to get married their whole life or they want to have a baby their whole life and then that happens and then they, you know, like say after somebody gets married and it's all over and done with and they're a bit dead. Was there anything like that or you just you were just like I'm living or did you >> So like I spent so long kind of working towards that goal of having surgery.

[00:48:01]>> Yeah.

[00:48:01]>> That I hyped myself up for it so much and now I've had it. I kind of think to myself sometimes like what's next?

[00:48:06]>> Girls that happens after a wedding right you're like locked in for so long so much >> and you're spending all this money and then after I was kind of looking at Adam and I was like oh like now we're getting married.

[00:48:19]>> What do we do now? So, like you're going to have to go I don't know and like get your eyes changed color or something.

[00:48:24]>> Yeah. 100% going to go get BBL girls.

[00:48:29]We're always saying on this podcast all the time.

[00:48:33]>> No, but like I'm doing things now that I never would have done. Like I applied to medical school this year.

[00:48:37]>> Yes, you did.

[00:48:39]>> Get you in and get you go change all them trans policies.

[00:48:43]>> No, you have no idea. I'm going to get them from the ground up. I'm actually I'm going to go in all coins and I'm going to specialize in either plastics or emergency medicine or endocrinology and I'm going to >> blow trans healthare the water mark my words.

[00:48:54]>> But she actually will like she already is.

[00:48:57]>> You're never not training in something.

[00:49:00]You [ __ ] s coming out of your hole.

[00:49:02]You've done more in the last two years than most people ever do in their life page. Legitimately.

[00:49:06]>> Do you feel like you're living a second life since after your surgery?

[00:49:09]>> No.

[00:49:10]>> No.

[00:49:10]>> I No. I feel like I feel like for the first I feel like for the first time I've met myself and I know that sounds so silly because like I've said it to some of the girls and they're like what do you mean you've met yourself? I was genuinely walking around not recognizing who I was in any way. Even preop like I I had transitioned so much but the one thing I wanted was surgery. And I feel like I've met my I've met my authentic self now. And I think she's very wonderful and I think >> I have an Thank you. Yeah, >> I think I have an awful lot to give and I think I'm I'm figuring out things now since I've had my surgery about myself that I never knew. And like things that I used to like I I I don't like now and things that I didn't like now I like and I'm meeting myself in such a different >> way. You think you're kinder to yourself now?

[00:49:55]>> Yeah. I was always very hard on myself because I always wanted like my GP even said this to me like when I came out as trans like like when I started my transition like she I wanted it now. I was like, "You send a referral. I want everything done. Stop right now." But that's not about that's not what it's about. And like she finally said to me at the end, like after having had my first surgery, I went for a checkup and she gave me like a pelvic exam. And she was like, "Do you understand now why things take time?" And I was like, "What do you mean?" And she was like, "Look what you've learned about yourself and the journey that you've been on over the last decade."

[00:50:26]>> She was like, "This is what it's about.

[00:50:28]>> And I've learned more about myself than I think I ever would have ever >> and I know myself so well." And I just think it's beautiful and I love myself for the first time.

[00:50:37]>> A grass fallen again. Not able.

[00:50:40]>> That's such a gorgeous thing to say and to be able to say that about yourself when just a few minutes ago you were saying you were giving yourself to the end of 2024.

[00:50:47]>> Yeah.

[00:50:48]>> That's insane. Like 180. Do you know what I mean? To make >> but I think like your your personality change is not after surgery. Like you're I always had some sort of testosterone in my body >> which is wild. But after surgery, you don't like very minute levels like 0.1, 0.2. But like I feel like my my personality and outlook has changed since I've had surgery. I'm a lot more, believe it or not, I'm sitting here like this. But even I'm a lot more calm.

[00:51:13]>> Yeah.

[00:51:14]>> I'm a lot more sound of mind since I've had surgery. Like the ocean is not as choppy.

[00:51:19]>> Yeah, that's what that's what say for you. Yeah, for sure. But like think about all the because >> you're not dealing with all of this.

[00:51:27]You're just walking this path now rather than >> and carrying all that baggage that you're able to just drop.

[00:51:33]>> Things are so much clearer.

[00:51:35]>> It's great.

[00:51:36]>> It's [ __ ] amazing.

[00:51:36]>> I'm very happy, guys.

[00:51:38]>> What would you say to I know like but like what would you say to anybody cuz I'm sure this will attract attention of people that have been in your situation.

[00:51:46]>> Um my DMs are always open. I do get a lot of messages from lately I get a lot of messages from parents of trans kids.

[00:51:53]Um I'm not wouldn't never name any names but there is there is one parent in particular that's really struggling with a child and there's no there's no advice that I can give them in this perspective but I think if anybody needed any help or support in any way shape or form I'd always my DMs are always open like always open for advice moral support I've I've met with a few trans people that needed advice or support based on like referrals or where to get a psychiatric referral or how to commence HRT or different social groups like there's belong to in town there's out house there's tenny um there's loads of places that can support and I always thought when I was younger like I pushed myself away from trans people because I always felt like I was never like trans people but I think now had I had that support when I was fully beginning my transition I think it would have helped me a great deal so I think trans person to another trans person that might be watching I think don't shy away from that accept it even So you don't have the same likes or dislikes as another trans person, you're still kind of going through a very similar thing. And that can be very comforting. So >> yeah, >> lean on each other.

[00:53:01]>> Lean on each other. Yeah. Because it can be very isolating transitioning. Like I I talk to people and sometimes >> I'm talking to someone and they just don't they they can sympathize, but they can't understand. And >> it's Yeah, it's >> sure it's even what we said about the surgery. I was going Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But then until it actually resonated with me and my own body, did I feel it? You just don't get it. Do you know what I mean? And I like, believe you me, like would have [ __ ] stayed away, stared here from every lesbian that ever look [ __ ] lock eyes at me cuz I didn't want to associate cuz I didn't want to go down that road and I didn't want it.

[00:53:34]>> Do you know what I mean? So I get it.

[00:53:36]And then as soon as you start going >> and opening yourself up, [ __ ] gets a lot easier.

[00:53:40]>> Yeah.

[00:53:41]>> Yeah. And like it can be very internalized.

[00:53:45]>> Oh, it was all me. Like I would be like I would be like screaming the house down boots [ __ ] gay rights left right and center would have [ __ ] hopped a bottle off somebody's head for being homophobic or transphobic or anything like that but it wouldn't it wasn't me >> I'm not the le really mean ally. Okay, >> we all do.

[00:54:11]>> Like a bow tie.

[00:54:12]>> I was like, yes, I deck dropped it on the kitchen.

[00:54:17]>> How come you weren't at the Oh, you were in a I was going to say, how come you weren't at the George?

[00:54:21]>> At the Georgees. I was asked. I was asked, um, so everyone's getting PR kits. So, we text the GM.

[00:54:27]>> I flipped.

[00:54:29]>> No, wait here. Wait, you hear this? I texted GM because everyone was getting these PR kits sent out and I was like where's my life? I dedicated seven years to my life in place. So I text him and I goes, "Where is it?" I goes, "Uh, absolutely loved my George Pure box.

[00:54:43]Felt amazing to be included in such a wonderful anniversary and send him a video of me." He goes, "That's me.

[00:54:47]Absolutely delighted." And he goes, "Well, what was in it?" I goes, "ARE YOU FOR [ __ ] REAL GET ONE?"

[00:54:53]>> I was [ __ ] off that I didn't get one as well. But >> you know what? We we did wear one.

[00:54:56]>> Yeah.

[00:54:57]>> Yeah. We'll just go in.

[00:54:58]>> Yeah. and say part and we'll bring our own [ __ ] boxes.

[00:55:01]>> Right. So, we're going to actually go now and go. We're probably going we go to church.

[00:55:04]>> We go to church.

[00:55:05]>> We probably be going in a wheelchair.

[00:55:06]>> No. Yeah, we have to.

[00:55:08]>> See, when I'm sitting girls, when I'm sitting down, I'm cured. It's fine. It's when I get to get when I go to get up now. Okay. There's more to Paige than her being trans. We've just decided just this second.

[00:55:17]>> Well, actually, there isn't really like this. I do. [ __ ] off. Like, I walk I go home. I love I love a summer in Moon. H I'm obsessed with Johnny Rigs at the minute. Yeah.

[00:55:31]>> [ __ ] off. She's trying to leave, but I don't want her to go. I want to have a That was a beautiful, unbelievable one.

[00:55:36]Probably our best episode to date, but I want to meet Paige. Paige, Paige.

[00:55:42]>> So, come back for the bonus.

[00:55:43]>> Come back for the bonus cuz we're going to go hit that vape. Let us know what you think in the comments. Follow her and DM her and don't slide into her DMs cuz she has a fella. Oh, I don't have a fell. Oh, she got a right. Thanks, Go.

[00:55:56]Bye.

[00:55:56]>> Thanks, God. See you later.