Hiking alone & my diagnosis

Added: 2026-05-23

[00:00:00]Today I am hiking alone up towards a ridgeeline here on Vancouver Island. One of my favorite things about hiking alone is it gives me time to gather my thoughts. While I was hiking today, I realized that I feel like it's time for me to finally share with you my diagnosis. It's taken me a while to get to this point. Not because I didn't want to tell you, but because I needed to feel ready to share it publicly.

[00:00:27]Although it feels a little bit scary to be vulnerable, I feel this human need to be known. And I hope that in sharing I can connect even more with you.

[00:01:12]Okay, here I go. It's 10:00 a.m. and I think it's going to be a good day.

[00:01:18]Straight up, right away.

[00:01:34]I don't think I can fully capture how steep this is.

[00:01:39]That is very steep.

[00:01:45]Been about 10 minutes already. Time to delayer.

[00:01:52]It's warm.

[00:02:06]Okay.

[00:02:08]Don't forget my Osmo. Don't forget my pole.

[00:02:13]Okay.

[00:02:16]So, didn't really capture this in last week's video because I was already done filming, but I ended up getting feeling really unwell for a few days after my hike. It was the first hot day I was outside all day and I had a migraine for 3 days.

[00:02:36]So, I'm really trying to be cautious today and not overdo it.

[00:02:42]So you might notice me making choices based around that.

[00:02:56]The light in here is absolutely stunning right now. and the moss.

[00:03:08]Beautiful.

[00:03:23]Taking a water break. It's been an hour.

[00:03:26]I feel very fatigued today. So, I don't know if it's going to be possible for me to make it to the top of the ridge, but I think I'll make it to the viewpoint and then we'll see.

[00:03:45]So, I had no plans to talk about this on the video today, but as I was hiking up here, I was reflecting on what's working in my life right now and what's not. And I realized one big thing that's not working is that I feel like I'm keeping this a secret. And it's not a secret.

[00:04:06]I've told people, but I haven't publicly said it. And I haven't told you guys.

[00:04:12]And so it feels like I'm keeping it a secret. And I don't want to. I want you to know. I want people to know. So I am autistic. In case you've never heard of autism, autism is a lifelong neurodedevelopmental condition. Autistic people may communicate and connect with other people differently, have sensory processing differences, and focus intensely on certain interests and activities. Autism is a spectrum. Autism is not the same for everyone. It covers a wide range of abilities from individuals who require significant daily support to those who are highly independent. If you know an autistic person and they don't seem like me, that's because no two autistic people are the same. I received a diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder when I was 34 years old. And I had a very strong sense that I was autistic even before that. I first started thinking I might be autistic when I was hiking the Croatian long-distance trail back in 2022. And I did all the online tests and they all came back as strong or very high probability that you are autistic. And then I worked really really hard to save up the money to get a clinical assessment. It's not cheap here in Canada. Um I had no benefits or anything to cover it. So I had to pay out of pocket. Took me a long time to save up for it, but I did. I did the assessment in 2024 and then after um the assessor reviewed all the information she provided me with ASD autism spectrum disorder diagnosis.

[00:05:55]Initially I felt this immense sense of relief and then I entered a stage of grief where I was grieving kind of everything that had happened leading up to that point. the fact that I didn't know I was autistic for so long. I also had to examine my fear, my fear of people's judgments.

[00:06:17]And I had to really work through all of that. And I think I have now. And I'm at the point where I feel really proud to be autistic. It's who I am. And I've really learned to love who I am. And it also comes with a lot of difficulties for me. I struggle with a lot of things. As a child, I was extremely shy and I did have struggles as a child for sure. I mostly would say I had struggles outside of the home. My parents never made me feel like being shy was weird. They never made me feel like wanting to spend a lot of time alone in my room was weird. They taught me how to be outdoorsy. They both love nature. Being out where it's away from man-made noises, man-made sights and sounds, which are for me the most overstimulating.

[00:07:16]They are also very predictable. They we had a very structured routine. It was very easy for me to predict what was going to happen next because it was always the same. And so that environment, although there were things that were challenging for me, overall was very supportive for how my brain works and how my nervous system works. I started to realize that especially in middle school, which starts at grade 7 for us, I realized that how I was acting was not socially acceptable. And if I wanted to have friends and be like taken in, I needed to change my behavior. And so I had no idea that's what I was doing at the time, but I was observing everyone. I was analyzing social situations.

[00:08:04]I was seeing what received positive responses from people. And unknowingly, I was creating a mask for myself. And I was figuring out how to socially be more like the people around me and be respond more or speak more or emote more or express more in a way that people were more comfortable with. And so I developed this mask. And one of my really close friends throughout especially that time, so elementary school, middle school, high school, I was spending a lot of time around her.

[00:08:40]And if she was ever in a video with me, you'd see it. Our mannerisms are super similar. The way that we speak, like the words we choose, how we annunciate, very similar. And now that I know this about myself, I realized the time when I was formulating my mask was when I was around her the most. So, I kind of feel bad cuz I've kind of like copycatted her unknowingly.

[00:09:06]And a friend we made later in life was like, "Wow, you guys talk so similar.

[00:09:10]Like, you act so similar." And I was like, "Oh, okay." Like, I didn't think much of it then and now I'm like, "Oh, I copycatted her accidentally. It's a survival coping mechanism." So, that's what I did. And then as I went through my teenage years and my adult years, I just progressively felt worse and worse and worse cuz there's a huge cost, energetic cost to masking. And on top of everything else that's hard about being autistic for me in in the world. And I just progressively had worse and worse struggles. I had really bad anxiety, really bad social anxiety on and off what I thought was depression, which now I realize were cycles of autistic burnout. Um, really big struggles with social skills. Like I find I can make friends pretty easily, but I'm really bad at keeping friends because if I am an autistic burnout, I have no capacity to reach out to friends. So, I'm an absent friend. I'm not there for people the way I wish I could be. Um because I'm continuously going through these cycles of burnout or I make a huge social mistake and I don't even know I'm doing it at the time. Sometimes I don't even know afterwards what I've done, but I've lost quite a few friends because of I think mistakes that I've made and that is really sad to me and I feel so bad about that. Like I feel so much guilt and shame that social rumination has been a constant in my life and it's been debilitating for me.

[00:10:50]Absolutely debilitating. The other thing that I struggled with was not being able to maintain a full-time career in physiootherapy.

[00:10:58]It is in some ways a very good fit for me with the analytical nature of it.

[00:11:04]Pattern recognition, like I'm really good at pattern recognition, but high high social demands. I do have quite a few special interests. Hiking being a huge one. Solo hiking, backpacking, throughhiking. It is good for me as a human being out in nature like we all benefit, but it's it's exceptionally good for me as an autistic person who struggles with sensory issues because out here there's no man-made sounds. There's just the birds, little wind noise is not over stimulating to me. There's still some things that are. I probably want to do a whole other video on gear and how I struggle to find good gear that is sensory safe for me for hiking. But I digress.

[00:11:56]It's amazing for me for that.

[00:11:59]And it's also a special interest of mine. I felt like when I was only working in healthcare, I felt this deep, deep, unsatiated need to create. I was like, if I don't create, I'm going to die. I can't explain. It's inherent to who I am. I didn't create anything for 4 days last week. And I couldn't sleep on the fourth night because I was like, I need to create or I'm going to die. And so I got out of bed and I edited last week's video. like I was I just it's such a part of me. So that's why I started making videos. I just like needed to. I wanted to. I love doing it. It is so enjoyable for me to be out here on my own with no social demands and then just get to create something that hopefully you watching are going to enjoy. It is amazing. It's so good. I love it so much. and the fact that you watch these and make that possible to be part of my life. I can't even begin to express my gratitude. I am not good at words of affirmation.

[00:13:09]That's one of my like uh areas of lack of skill I would say.

[00:13:15]So, I'm sure I don't say it enough, but I am so so so grateful. I really appreciate it. I need a lot of time to recharge alone and so being out here hiking alone. So being alone and then doing a special interest money it's perfect. It's so good for me.

[00:13:35]So I know I need to make sure I'm continuously doing it even if I'm not throughhiking.

[00:13:42]I want to threwhike again. I just want to figure out how to make it a bit more sustainable next time I do it. both for my physical body, my mental health, and also my relationships that I want to maintain because I already struggle to maintain them just at baseline and then add on being gone for 5 months. I very much so struggle to maintain them. I am trying to unmask. I'm trying to mask less. Mask less. And it's felt a little bit hard trying to unmask without sharing this with you. I don't know. It just felt hard. I don't really even know how to explain it. Just has. So, I'm gonna try to unmask even more now because the masking is exhausting and I want to just be myself.

[00:14:27]Like, I think I'm like I think I'm a pretty cool person. And um I'm sad that I didn't believe it for so long. And I just want to be myself. And I know some people won't like it. I know it'll be offputting, but that's okay because not everyone is everyone's cup of tea.

[00:14:51]So, I'm going to try to be more myself.

[00:14:55]And I do want to talk a little bit more about my autism. Like, I do want to talk about how I choose hiking gear based on my sensory challenges. I do want to explore potentially creating my own or learning how to sew to create my own or collaborating with people who have ideas about this.

[00:15:19]That's important to me. And it's important to me that I lean into my special interests and let myself be myself and engage fully in my special interests because that really fills my cup back up. And I think it will allow me to be to actually have more capacity in the rest of my life. Like I need to figure out how things can be more sustainable for me because the cycle of burnout I'm in is not something I can keep doing.

[00:15:58]It's not good. It's not good.

[00:16:02]So I got to make changes. Thank you so much for listening to this whole chat.

[00:16:08]I've been talking for 21 minutes.

[00:16:11]I really appreciate it. I had these dreams that I was going to make this whole episode. It was going to be like a long-term vlog of my whole diagnosis process and I was going to share like great information, stats, and all this stuff. And I realized like because I built it up in my mind, I haven't done it. It's been two years since my diagnosis and I haven't shared it. And I think it's because I tried to make make this fancy video in my mind that overwhelmed me.

[00:16:49]So today on a whim, I decided to just tell you thanks for being here and let's get hiking again.

[00:17:18]I'm seeing my first flowers of Flower Ridge. I think it's called Flower Ridge because once you get in the alpine, that's where the flower bloom happens.

[00:17:30]But there's already some flowers down here. Oh, I just spotted a pink one.

[00:18:04]Whoa.

[00:18:34]Oh wow.

[00:18:38]Oh wow.

[00:18:44]I made it to the viewpoint.

[00:18:47]Look at how stunning.

[00:18:51]You can see Battle Lake.

[00:18:56]The peaks on the other side.

[00:19:03]I love Vancouver Island and I love Strathona Park.

[00:19:12]It's so precious.

[00:19:24]Wow, the view. So nice.

[00:19:30]I really thought I was going to make it higher up, but it's not feeling in the cards for me today. This will be my high point.

[00:19:40]The lake water looks so cool from here.

[00:19:43]I'm going to try to zoom in with my phone to show you What a gorgeous day.

[00:20:20]It's good that it's a little overcast today so it's not too sunny directly on me.

[00:20:46]PB&J sandwich.

[00:20:58]There are no water sources along this stretch of trail.

[00:21:04]So, that's another reason I'm choosing to turn back. I didn't carry enough water.

[00:21:10]I kind of forgot about the fact that there's a stream right at the start and then there I don't think there's any water until you actually get onto the ridge where there's tarns you can fill at that.

[00:21:23]So, that was a little bit of poor planning on my fa part, but I also physically don't feel like I can make it all the way up there. I'm very fatigued today. So, just going to listen to my body.

[00:21:40]So, I just double checked the map and I've climbed 550 vertical meters and I'm 3 hours into my hike. Just under 3 hours.

[00:21:50]So, you know what?

[00:21:52]That's still a very solid hike.

[00:21:55]And the view from here is really nice.

[00:21:59]So, I'm very happy I did this.

[00:22:04]So, as I was eating, I was thinking, as I always do, out here and just thinking about how excited I am that I'm sharing my autism stuff with you guys. I'm excited to hear if any of you are neurode divergent or have neurode divergent people you love. I don't know.

[00:22:21]Oh, I just think it's really cool. And I've met quite a few people out on the trails who love hiking, who love hiking alone, who tell me that they're neurode divergent. I'm feeling emotional. I'm feeling happy. All of the things. So, thank you for being here. Thank you for making it to the end of the video. I know this video was a bit different than normal, but I just it just had to turn into that. It just felt right. So, that's what I did.

[00:22:51]I don't know. You can't always plan everything. I have a full plan here.

[00:22:56]Three page of the video I was going to film and I had to pivot. But that's okay. So, thanks for being here. Your support, watching this channel, subscribing, commenting, everything is incredible for so many reasons. Um, it's also in addition really incredible for my neurode divergence. If I can make this content creation into a full-time income, it would be just I can't even describe how amazing it would be because one of my special interests, two, I guess, hiking and making videos could become a sustainable income source. Your support of this channel really is incredible in so many aspects, including supporting my ability to support myself. If you are able to support my channel by becoming a member, a paid member, that would really help.

[00:23:56]I'm really enjoying growing the membership side of things. And thank you all of those of you who've already signed up for memberships. It means so much. Thank you so much for being here.

[00:24:07]I'm just going to hike down and not film. So, I'm just going to end the video here with this beautiful view in the background and I'll leave you to look at the view for a little bit. And up on screen, I'll put a video I think you would like to see next. Let's have some nice positive environment community in the comments. Bye, guys. Love you lots.