Episode 159 Hard Conversations W Aisha Forde

本站添加: 2026-05-19

[00:00:00]You're just going to tell me a little bit um about Brandon basically.

[00:00:03]>> Okay. Um >> who he is, what his personality was like, >> what he means to you, all that stuff.

[00:00:09]>> Yes. Okay. So, he was my brother.

[00:00:11]>> Yeah.

[00:00:11]>> Um very loud.

[00:00:14]>> Like the most the loudest person I've ever met. The craziest, the wildest.

[00:00:21]Just very energetic.

[00:00:24]and we all fit in really well together, if that makes sense.

[00:00:30]>> Tell me about your family dynamic.

[00:00:31]>> So, it's me, I'm the oldest, Brendan was the middle child, and then Dylan the youngest. Um, >> what stage gap between us?

[00:00:40]>> Two between all of us.

[00:00:40]>> Okay. So, yeah. So, really all grew up together, like Yeah. Yeah.

[00:00:45]>> Um, and >> it's weird without him in it. I think it's cuz we're three siblings >> and we're always together. So when it's just me and Dylan now, it's >> Yeah.

[00:00:54]>> And because he was so loud.

[00:00:56]>> Yeah. Do >> you know me and Dylan are both as awkward as each other and Dylan doesn't speak. So it's just very >> You feel the emptiness if that makes sense. Um >> he's left a huge hole.

[00:01:06]>> Oh yeah.

[00:01:06]>> Like you know. And >> what was he like growing up?

[00:01:10]>> Bold.

[00:01:10]>> Yeah.

[00:01:12]>> Wild. Like he definitely had ADHD or something. I think just wasn't diagnosed. Um, but he just was crazy and he loved outdoors. He loved being out.

[00:01:25]Never listened to anyone. Loved his Xbox. Loved traveling. Cuz as a kid, my family, half my family are from Bosnia.

[00:01:32]>> So, we spend all the summer there every year.

[00:01:35]>> What was that like?

[00:01:36]>> Amazing.

[00:01:36]>> Yeah.

[00:01:37]>> I can't wait to do it with my son. It's just >> it's the way Ireland used to be, if that makes sense.

[00:01:41]>> Yeah. like everyone's just close and all the neighbors know everyone and the sun and the fields and all land like you're away from everything else.

[00:01:49]>> Yeah.

[00:01:50]>> So, I appreciate them memories a lot because I know not everyone gets to have them.

[00:01:54]>> Yeah.

[00:01:55]>> Um but he was just this >> it's very hard to describe him unless you know him because >> he was just I'm trying to think of the right words.

[00:02:06]>> Like if you met him for example Yeah.

[00:02:08]the first thing he's going to talk about is cars and then engines and then bikes and you can tell him to shut up and he's going to keep going and going and going and going and going and >> he was passionate about them.

[00:02:17]>> Oh my god. Yeah. Um I miss that too actually because if I have any car trouble he's the person I go to.

[00:02:23]>> Yeah.

[00:02:23]>> And don't have a clue.

[00:02:24]>> That's always >> my dad's useless and my other brother's useless now. So um >> what was your relationship like with him?

[00:02:31]>> Good as in sibling love.

[00:02:35]>> Yeah. Um, we definitely got closer as we grew up more. Um, I was living away from home. He was living away from home and he used to visit me out in swords all the time and >> he'd pick me up from the airport and even like the last few weeks he'd always drop me up to the bus stop in Cherrywood to go out to work and stuff. And he was just >> very kind. Yeah.

[00:02:58]>> And I missed our little fights.

[00:03:00]>> Yeah.

[00:03:01]>> Cuz we clashed a bit but in a good way.

[00:03:03]He was just very loud. I'm very loud and two of us together.

[00:03:09]I don't know.

[00:03:10]>> Is there any me is there any memories um when you think about them any memories that like instantly come back to you?

[00:03:16]>> Okay. I asked my brother this just before I came in. He's like there's too many to choose from.

[00:03:22]>> Do you and your brother talk about them?

[00:03:24]Cuz some you know sometimes with grief some people they find it hard to have the conversations even with their siblings about their other siblings.

[00:03:30]>> Yeah. Um, well, the first time me and Dylan went out together was after Brendon passed.

[00:03:35]>> Yeah.

[00:03:35]>> And we do these things now.

[00:03:36]>> Yeah.

[00:03:37]>> So, not like it's it's sad that I took my brother past him, but me and my brother are like inseparable now.

[00:03:46]>> And we say, "I love you all the time. We always hug each other."

[00:03:49]>> Yeah.

[00:03:49]>> If one of us are driving home, we're making sure we got home and Joe, >> we both know exactly what it feels like because >> it was always true of us.

[00:03:57]>> Yeah. you know, so he knows what I'm feeling and vice versa. And I don't know, my favorite memory I think I would say Carol is there's so many like from childhood when we were kids to before he passed. But I think when I told him I was pregnant and I told him on the Sunday and he passed on Thursday.

[00:04:19]>> Wow.

[00:04:20]>> So, but I mean the excitement like he ran around and straight away he was like, "We need to call Dylan up. We need to tell them I can't keep this from him." And then he started talking about car seats and safety. And he was like, I don't care if it's boy or girl, they're going to get on a bike. And he loved children. He would have wanted loads. He always spoke that he'd want like eight or nine kids. Not that he'd be able to handle them, but um that's one of my favorite memories. Or just I said there when he used to drop me to work, we'd get in the car and we'd always fight about music.

[00:04:51]>> We never agreed on music either. Um, but we liked Red Hot Chili Peppers together.

[00:04:55]So, we'd always have to come to agreement. He'd blast that. You wouldn't be able to hear your own mind. Um, and then >> so Red Hot Chili Peppers Rajes together at the end.

[00:05:05]>> Um, and then you just start rambling every time. I'd be like, "Before we end the car, I don't want to hear about engines. I don't want to know about cars. I don't want to know about bikes."

[00:05:12]Just sit in silence for 5 minutes and drop me to the bus stop. And then he'd start straight away after like a minute getting out of state, he'd start talking again and stuff. But >> I miss that too. I miss all of it. It's weird. If you don't think you miss all the annoying things of a person.

[00:05:25]>> Isn't that funny? It is the things that annoy you about a person and then when they pass it's the things that you hold on to most. Yes.

[00:05:32]>> Dearly.

[00:05:32]>> It's weird.

[00:05:33]>> Yeah.

[00:05:34]>> But like >> but it makes sense.

[00:05:36]>> Yeah. I don't miss now cuz he moved back maybe two months before he passed back home. So it was all of us together >> and I was actually fuming at him moving back cuz I loved being at home. It was just me, my partner, >> my parents. We had it all. It was perfect. And then when he came in, I was like, "No, >> chaos.

[00:05:53]>> This is going to be a disaster." Like he was walking dogs at 3:00 a.m. and he done night shifts, so he it was just very it was a lot. But now looking back, I'm like, they were my last like few weeks with him. And how lucky was I that I got to >> share them moments and I treasure all of it.

[00:06:09]>> Don't miss him clogging the toilet cuz he done that. Everyone knows him for doing that. Um or he'd this is going to sound so bad cuz it's on video too, but anyone who knows him closely will know he'd take a Ben and Jerry's and go to the toilet for two hours. Still on the toilet and then go for a shower like so you can go into the bathroom or anything, but we all say that like on his anniversaries. We will do that one day. We might do it this year. We'll see how we get on with it. Or >> I don't know. There's so many things I miss. Like every little thing that you see is like if I see the asai beer straight away I'm thinking of him. If I see a biker straight away or if it's like a Kawasaki a green Kawasaki that he had.

[00:06:50]Not like cuz when a biker's in their gear they all look the same really. So sometimes when I see them I see him.

[00:06:56]Obviously it's not him but I'm just like I don't know. I have a closeness to bikers now. Even though I'll never speak to them. They're just driving past me for two seconds, but like straight away I do a little prayer, hope they're gonna be okay getting home. And >> I know it's a weird bond that you have with them. And they like most bikers will have a loved one who's passed on a bike or you know um like when he passed there were so many bikers that came out that I've never met. He didn't even know, but they all came out for like on the day of the funeral. Um, afterwards they check in on us. Like the community of bikers. Like I feel like I'm a biker even though I'll never get on a bike or anything, but it's just it's a community that I never knew and I understand now why he loved us so much.

[00:07:44]>> So they all showed up for >> Oh yeah. It was amazing. And >> I remember slagging him the so on the Sunday cuz it was a family dinner. We have family dinners every Sunday.

[00:07:55]>> Um he was telling us like the best day of his life he went to Kel's. there's a race every year for charity there. Um, and he said literally, he was like, "That was the best day of my life." And I was like, "How sad is that the best day of your life?" Like, like there's so many things. You've been on holidays, you've done things. That was the best day of your life. He's like, "No, honestly, it really was." And now I take that conversation like at least I know he can say >> that he had even though it was gonna be cut short or wherever else I know he was content and happy and to him he had the best day of his life you know. Um so yeah >> can you tell me a little bit about his passing um the the couple of days and the couple of days after even >> what you remember?

[00:08:37]>> Um so it was about 400 p.m. It was a really sunny day. It was 3 years ago, the 20th of April.

[00:08:46]>> What age was he at the time?

[00:08:47]>> 24.

[00:08:47]>> 24.

[00:08:48]>> Um, and he was on a day off, so he went on his bike. He'd go first thing in the morning and come back to usually like 2 or three. And my parents were like, he's been gone like ages.

[00:09:00]>> So my dad was like, I'll give him a call. He didn't answer. Um, and me and my partner were working from home upstairs and I saw the guards outside the house and it's the way it was like a movie. like you know you see like programs and stuff how they knock to the door and everything and instantly I knew didn't know which brother but I knew because I could see the guard she was trying to prepare herself >> like she was taking a breath and um straight away I didn't even think I just ran downstairs and they were like asked my parents confirmed their names I knew exactly what was about to happen they didn't um and then they just said that like unfortunately Brandon's passed away and >> how do you how do you think you knew Um, I don't know.

[00:09:42]>> What was that?

[00:09:43]>> I don't know. It's just the way I I don't know. It was just the way he hadn't been home yet. My other brother was meant to meet him on the ride, so I knew it was one of them. Now, I didn't think he died. I thought it might have been a big injury or he was in the hospital or something like that. Um, and then automatically, it's like fight or flight. You don't know how you're going to react to these things.

[00:10:09]>> I didn't even shed a tear. I just went straight into how the hell am I going to help my parents right now? Cuz my dad looked like he was about to have a heart attack.

[00:10:16]>> Yeah.

[00:10:16]>> My mom, that roar that you hear, you see in movies, you see in programs, you can read about in books.

[00:10:24]>> I still have nightmares of that roar. My neighbors heard it and they knew straight away from how my mom reacted like what had happened. Um, and then straight away I just went into took the guard's phone, started ringing all the family, trying to get everyone up. I You don't know how you're going to react.

[00:10:43]>> Isn't it interesting how how some people react? You go straight into fix it mode.

[00:10:49]>> And straight away, within like 20 minutes, I'd say all our family was there, neighbors, everyone. I had to bring all the family abroad. Um, that was hard because they couldn't believe and they kept asking me to repeat it and I was like, >> "Yeah, >> I wouldn't be making this up." And yeah, and then I went into a neighbor, I cried on her shoulder for like 10 seconds.

[00:11:15]>> Yeah.

[00:11:16]>> And then she was like, "Hey, what do we need to do?" And then it went on a >> When did that when did that grief change from, "Okay, you're in. All right, I need to make sure everyone else is okay and fix it and organize and do the next step to Oh, my my brother has just passed.

[00:11:32]>> Honestly, like it was after two years. It's only like the last year.

[00:11:38]>> Um I don't recommend to people.

[00:11:40]>> Do you think you've been suppressing it?

[00:11:42]>> Oh yeah. Like there it got so bad to the stage that like I couldn't cry about it.

[00:11:47]I only talked about him very factually like how he died and what the paramedics done and there was no emotion when I spoke. Um, so I did go to like a psychiatrist and a psychologist and a counselor.

[00:12:00]>> She was amazing. Um, >> what did you learn?

[00:12:03]>> It's okay for me to grieve and I need to like stop.

[00:12:12]I was just trying to protect my parents so much. You're not meant to see your parents in that position.

[00:12:16]>> Yeah.

[00:12:17]>> And unfortunately, there's nothing I can do on this planet or anyone else that's going to stop the pain that they feel every day. So I think that was like the hard pill to swallow. Um and so first I had to accept what happened and then I had to go through all the emotions. Um anger was a big one. Still is sometimes. Um >> in what way would would you say you were angry?

[00:12:45]>> He was robbed, >> you know, and it didn't need to happen cuz like I've seen all the footage. I've seen every step of it and it's 4 seconds and if I'm not going to speak too much on it, but >> the other person if they had just stopped for half a second, >> maybe he wouldn't have died. It would have just he would have been badly injured um and stuff. So, I don't know. And I think another thing is you become less empathetic. I know that sounds harsh, but it's more so if you have a really big problem or you are down in the dumps, you can come to me. But if it's like daily little, >> you don't.

[00:13:30]>> No, I don't tolerate it. I don't deal with it because like life's too short.

[00:13:35]Like you just have to go on with it.

[00:13:38]Yeah.

[00:13:38]>> And that's the unfortunate part about grief is you can stay in your house, you can drink, you can do drugs, you can stay miserable, you can hate everyone, hate the world, but then what's the point?

[00:13:51]>> You're feeling this because a loved one didn't get to live.

[00:13:54]>> So I think for me is what helped is trying to get out and trying to do things for him because I had a very hard time because obviously I was pregnant.

[00:14:04]>> Yeah. after the birth. Had a traumatic birth. Had to have two operations after.

[00:14:08]>> Um but >> how was that experience of you know >> very hard?

[00:14:15]>> Yeah.

[00:14:15]>> Cuz you're trying to like be happy pregnant.

[00:14:17]>> Yeah. You're having two different >> Yeah. trying to accept life and >> Yeah.

[00:14:21]>> deal with the loss >> and grieve life at the same time.

[00:14:24]>> Um I think for me, my son, >> he's been like the crutch. Um not just for me, for everyone. He's given my parents a new lease life.

[00:14:35]>> Yeah.

[00:14:36]>> And he's very similar to my brother.

[00:14:38]>> Yeah.

[00:14:38]>> And I mean in every annoying way. He loves cars.

[00:14:42]>> He loves engines. He'll talk about hydraulics. He's two. Like do you know he knows everything. Um and I obviously named him after my brother. Yeah.

[00:14:49]>> Um and he was due on my brother's birthday.

[00:14:52]>> Oh. So to me, I'm not very holy or anything, but just the way it all planned out and stuff, I just I feel that they're connected.

[00:15:04]>> Yeah.

[00:15:04]>> And he knows who his uncle Brendan is.

[00:15:06]He goes to Uncle Brendan's garden. He gets gifts from Uncle Brendan. I think trying to teach him about his uncle has helped me.

[00:15:14]>> Yes.

[00:15:14]>> Cuz I talk about him in such a nice way and we don't talk about like >> the horriblessness of all of it and stuff. Um, >> well, I suppose I was going to ask you a question. I was going to ask you in what way do you still feel close to your brother, but I suppose true through true yourself.

[00:15:30]>> Yeah. And there's so many little things like I I'm going to sound so hippieish, but Robins, >> I swear ever since he passed, we'll see Robins maybe 10 times a day.

[00:15:41]>> They're everywhere. um or if red hot chili peppers are playing or if like we're thinking of getting a Chinese cuz he'd get this huge mountain of food and it was sickening. So whenever we get Chinese, we think of them or the bikes or any K-pop music. He loved all of that. Um or Dragon Ball Z. So if I see a t-shirt, like if I'm in pennies and it has Dragon Ball Z, straight away I'm thinking of them. Um, they're all nice little things or I don't know, it's mainly like if music, I'd say.

[00:16:15]>> Yeah, >> cuz whenever I play a song, I think of a moment with him or it just makes me feel close, you know.

[00:16:23]Um, I got him like I done one last little prank on him before he passed.

[00:16:28]So, he hated West Life. Oh, no. When he passed, actually, sorry. Um, so I picked a West Life song for the funeral. And my brother Dylan, he was like, "You can't do it." I was like, "No, I absolutely can." Cuz I knew he hated it. Like, so it was fun. Everyone else was crying, but like I thought it was like a little joke. Dark humor is the way to go forward with grief, I think. Um, but only people that have experienced it will get it and joke and laugh, whereas others will be like, >> "You need help, you know." So, >> do you look a family different since it's back?

[00:16:56]>> Yes. I mean, >> in what way?

[00:16:59]>> I appreciate every second. Yeah.

[00:17:01]>> Um, like we're always a close family, >> but the way we are now, like as I said, Sunday dinners, >> yeah, >> that's always been a thing. Now, none of us miss it. We have dinners every night together.

[00:17:15]>> You'll see me all the time out with my parents. They're like my best friends now. And we can't dwell.

[00:17:25]I can't how do I say it? like yes he's passed but like he won't want to look down and see us all being miserable and so we try to do things and one thing we'd like to do one day um he always wanted to go to Japan >> so I'm going to wait till my son's a little bit older and hopefully >> if we all go to Japan that will be like a holiday for my brother >> you know so >> can I ask you another question if um >> if so let's say someone is is going through a similar situation to you now they've just lost their brother they've just lost a sibling do you have any advice for them in regards ards to their grief.

[00:17:59]>> Feel it.

[00:18:00]>> Yeah.

[00:18:00]>> Don't ignore it.

[00:18:02]>> Um cuz it's just going to make everything a lot harder down the road.

[00:18:07]And people say like a day at a time.

[00:18:10]>> I'll say an hour at a time.

[00:18:13]>> And you need to put yourself first. I understand there might be other siblings or parents and stuff, but >> you're allowed to feel the grief. You also lost someone. So you're allowed to feel that. Yeah.

[00:18:26]>> And >> isn't that a kind of funny dynamic with with grief, especially you being the sibling, is that you go straight into, you know, uh a mom or a dad has just lost their son.

[00:18:38]>> Yeah.

[00:18:39]>> And the and I had this conversation with someone else who who lost their brothers like sometimes this the sibling gets forgotten almost.

[00:18:45]>> Yes. And it's not it's not like >> not in a malicious way, but just in a you know, >> but even family members, you know, they'd be like, "How are your parents doing?" And this was like we also lost one. So, I think that was it was nice in counseling. I'd recommend counseling and I know loads of people like my dad still hasn't done it. People are afraid like people think if you go counseling you're going to forget the person.

[00:19:09]>> But no, it actually made like a safe space for me to be able to grieve.

[00:19:13]>> Yeah.

[00:19:13]>> And there was no judgment and I didn't have to worry about anyone else or how they were feeling or what they were feeling. It was just about me and how I was feeling with losing my brother. So, I'd actually say be a bit selfish.

[00:19:28]>> Yeah.

[00:19:28]>> You know, cuz I learned the hard way of leaving it too long. I got PTSD, I had to go on anti-depressants and I lost myself for a good while, you know, whereas >> had I dealt with it sooner, >> I'd probably be where I am now, but I would have not had to have gone through >> Yeah.

[00:19:46]>> the hardship of all. If you could still, let's say, if you could speak to your brother for 30 seconds.

[00:19:55]>> Yeah.

[00:19:55]>> Um, is there anything you would want to say to him that you never said to him?

[00:20:02]>> I hope that he's proud of me. Um, and he knew how much I loved him. So, I just tell him that I love him. I miss him. I hope he thinks I'm a good mom.

[00:20:16]I hope he loves his nephew cuz his nephew adores him. Um, and I just give him one last big hug.

[00:20:23]>> Yeah, >> cuz that's I didn't give him a hug that morning before he left.

[00:20:26]>> Yeah.

[00:20:27]>> And my partner did and like he waved him off.

[00:20:30]>> But I didn't I just wanted to feel one last hug. So, it's not even words. It would be just just to give him a little cuddle, >> you know?