This radio drama explores the philosophical paradox that supernatural phenomena like stigmata (religious wounds) may actually reward individuals who live virtuously, regardless of their stated beliefs. The story follows George Thompson, a famous atheist broadcaster who accidentally manifests stigmata during a religious retreat, forcing him to confront the contradiction between his atheism and the supernatural rewards he receives. The narrative suggests that the common denominator across all religions is the belief in a supreme being, and that living a morally upright life may be the true criterion for supernatural recognition, not religious affiliation.
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"What's Stigmata" (1983) - A mystery deepens as belief and doubt collide violently.本站添加:
What's stigmata? By Wally K. Daily with Peter Jeffrey, Norma Ronald, Marray Watson, and George A. Cooper.
What's stigmata?
I feel at this stage in our retreat, it may serve us well once more to look to our motives. We search for peace and tranquility in the midst of a scurrying reality. We have each left for this short time the daytoday world behind us.
Our week of silent contemplation which allows us to look deep into our heart and for those of us who believe into our souls was marred somewhat by Mr. Thompson's manifestations. But now that he has left our little group, I sincerely hope that once more we can return to our former tranquil silent regime.
This evening's lesson and psalm will be read in the upstairs chapel after tea.
And I'm sure that even though this is a non-denominational retreat and we have some non-believers still among us, that we may all find some solace in the words of Never mind, dear. Soon be over.
>> At these sort of prices, you can expect to suffer a little, can't you?
>> These sort of prices, you'd think we'd suffered enough.
>> Oh, you've got a fine sense a few more, right, Mrs. Thompson?
>> Oh, there we are, dear. You're done.
>> Done yet. Off you go for tea. Are you on the solids yet?
>> Oh, no. Still on the famous Brookfields orange juice.
>> Maria, are you finished?
>> Yes. Something amazing's turned up in today's papers. Come on.
>> Yes, I'm just coming. Bye. Thanks for the massage.
>> Bye, Mrs. Thompson. It's a pleasure.
>> Oh, well, what's all the excitement?
Someone found an apple in the garden.
Hopeful to the last. No, just you wait, Marcia. The news touches you deeply.
Your husband has hit the headlines. But what on earth are you talking about?
George is off having5 worth of retreat in some dreary vicorage up in the Midlands trying to find out how the believers behave. I mean, what on earth could be newsworthy about that?
>> Just you wait and see.
>> Oh, isn't it marvelous?
>> I can't wait.
>> Would someone please tell me what's going on?
>> Read it for yourself.
>> Read it.
>> Isn't it marvelous?
George Thompson, the well-known broadcaster famed for his atheist point of view, today made history by becoming the first non-believer to Oh no.
How could he do this to me?
How could he do this to me? I think it's truly wonderful. black magic.
>> And that was of course old blue eyes himself. Well, I'm sorry to say we haven't so far managed to arrange the hope for interview with George Thompson.
But our reporter who's outside Mr. Thompson's home, hopefully waiting for him to make an appearance, brings us this report.
>> Well, here I am among a waiting crowd of perhaps 200.
>> Is there no privacy left in the world?
Oh, push off. I don't want to know.
Go away, please.
I don't want to talk to anybody. George.
George, are you here?
>> Yeah, in the lounge.
Maria, hello, dear. I thought you weren't back till Monday. Um, want a drink? How is the health bar?
>> Oh, George, how could you do this to me?
>> I didn't do anything to you. If anyone's beating, it should be me. Marcia, it's no fun being like this. I assure you.
Now, do you want a drink, or don't you?
>> Have any orange juice in?
>> No.
>> Good. I'll have a gin and tonic.
How on earth did it happen, George?
>> Well, if I knew that, I wouldn't be standing here wearing mittens to hide my bandages, would I? I'd be busy reversing the positive. I have no idea how it happened or why. And why me, a professional non-believer? It's a catastrophe.
>> You do realize, I suppose, that your whole future is now in jeopardy because of this foolishness.
>> Well, of course I do. And our laundry bills are going to be astronomical.
>> I know. I know. Oh, ignore it. They'll go away. They've been at it all the morning.
>> Might be a friend.
>> As from this moment, we have no friends.
Only potential supplicants.
>> Oh, don't be silly, George. I'll go and see who it is.
>> Is she not the door? Move the curtains.
You can see the door from the window.
But smile while you're doing it. There are photographers out there as well.
>> I'm certainly not going to appear white-faced in every newspaper in the country. I'll just go up and put some fresh makeup on.
>> Oh, get it over with, Marcia, will you?
We've got a lot to talk about.
It's your mother and father.
>> Oh no. As if we haven't got enough problems. She probably wants me to sort a lumbo out. We'll pretend we're not in.
>> They're absolutely surrounded by hundreds of reporters. I think your mother's getting her autograph out to some of them.
>> Selling it, dear. Selling it.
>> And your father looks absolutely beused.
>> Not difficult.
>> We'd better get the door open. They're going to drown in the crowd.
>> We thank the Lord to small blessings.
>> Oh, I'll get it. They'll probably drag you off and shred you for souvenirs.
I've never known anything like it. Oh, isn't it marvelous?
>> Time to get that drink.
>> What's going on? What's all the crowd for?
>> Hello, Mom. Hello, Dad. What a pleasant surprise. Oh, >> George, I'm so excited. Oh, I knew you'd come to your senses, finally.
>> What did you say, son? I said hello, Dad.
>> Bob.
>> Hello. Now, listen, mother. Don't go talking about coming to my senses. What happened has nothing to do with me, and it doesn't change my attitude at all.
Oh, >> you can't fool me. You always did find it hard to admit you are wrong, but even you must be convinced now.
>> Has anyone offered me a drink yet?
>> I am not convinced in the least.
Religion is boulderash, and so it shall remain until it is proved otherwise.
>> A whiskey and soda for me. Shall we sit down?
>> What more proof can you ask? I'm only pleased that you'll now have to stop making those silly appearances on television arguing with nice vicers.
>> I will not stop arguing with nice vicers.
>> Constantly embarrassing me. I've been almost too ashamed to show my face at the church socials for years.
>> I won't have ice if it causes problems.
>> Anybody else want a drink while I'm here?
>> Whiskey and soda for dad now. There's no reason for shame. It's my views I'm expressing, not yours, and I believe in it.
>> But it reflects, George. It reflects.
>> Has anybody offered me a drink yet? He's just coming, Dad.
>> Pardon?
>> He's just coming.
>> A whiskey and soda for me, please.
>> They think I must have brought you up badly. The Reverend Darnell gives me very funny looks sometimes.
>> The Reverend Darnell gives everyone funny looks. He's got a squid.
>> It's no time to be offensive, George.
I'm being serious.
>> Here we are, pups. Whiskey and soda.
>> Now, you've received this sign from heaven. You really must mend your ways.
>> Drink, Mom.
>> Oh, just a little brandy for my heart, Maria.
After all, this isn't a thing that happens every day, George. You do realize you could end up a saint.
>> It's no good trying to frighten me, mother. I am an atheist, so I shall remain until I receive conclusive proof to the contrary.
>> There were a lot of people outside.
>> You're insufferable. You were pigheaded as a baby, and you haven't changed since.
>> Is it a a demonstration of some sort?
>> Your grandmother warned me when you were only a week old. He's got shifty eyes.
She said he'll be a problem to you and Tom when he's older. And she was right.
>> Have you been rude to a a bishop or something, George? Mother, this is no time to be offensive. I've got a slight problem which I will sort out in my own good time. No, I haven't, Dad. Not even to a vicar.
>> Oh, to a vicer? Oh, well, that's not so bad then, is it? They all speak too quietly. In any case, they deserve telling off.
>> Here we are, mama. Brandy, for your heart.
>> Can't you talk some sense into him, Maria? Make him see that he's been wrong all these years.
>> Well, I'd like to make him see it was wrong to do it this week. ruined my stay at Brookfields just as I was doing so well.
>> Oh, were you at Brookfields? Oh, I lost nearly a stone while I were there.
Marvelous place.
>> I didn't do anything. Anyway, you didn't have to come back, Marcia, did you? You could have stayed on for the last few days.
>> How could I stay there with everyone crawling around trying to get to meet you? It's all right when women think one's husband is reasonable, George, but adoration is ridiculous. And then the reporters got to hear about me being there and lifewood just wasn't worth living. I found one of them in the shower. Water dripping down his pencil.
It's infuriating. I'd lost £5 in 4 days, and I was just due for my first lettuce and tomato tea.
>> Amazing, isn't it? I pay £90 so you can lose £5 and eat lettuce. And I go into a oneweek retreat costing £5 and come back 90 hours later as the first atheist saint. And neither of us gets a refund.
>> They did actually offer me what was left of the bottle of orange to bring back with me, but I told them to keep it for one of their charity cases.
>> And my mother thinks I should bend my ways. And my father has not got the vaguest idea of what's going on.
>> Did you say something?
>> I've said you haven't got the vaguest idea of what's going on.
>> Oh, I'm all right for the moment. Thank you. I've still got some left. You can top me up in a minute.
>> Right. That settles it. George shall perform his party trick. Off with the mittens. And don't you two say yeah when you see my bandages. There we are. Off.
M >> I say, son, do you know you've cut yourself? Both your hands are all blood stained. Don't worry, Dad. Everything will be crystal clear in a minute. Oh, look. Don't put your hands over my ears.
Those bandages are disgusting. There we are. Just like that. Easy.
Hello, Dad. Hello.
Oh, good god. I can hear.
Oh, how horrible. George, what have you done to me?
>> I've just performed a miracle, Dad.
>> Well, unperform it. THIS IS A GROTESQUE INTRUSION ON MY PERSONAL FREEDOM. How dare you do such a thing?
>> Be grateful, Tom. Your child is going to be a saint.
>> I am not going to be a saint.
>> And after all these years, you are going to be able to hear every word I say again.
>> Exactly as I said. A grotesque intrusion on my personal liberty. How could you do such a thing to me, George? Your own father. Do you? I mean, you know what your mother's like. You make me deaf again this instant.
>> Oh, I can't, Dad. Sorry. I never thought of that. I think it's non-reversible.
>> I shall cut you off without a penny.
What a thing to do to your own father.
>> Don't be so silly, dear. George has been supporting us for years. You can't cut him off. You haven't got anything to cut him off from.
>> It's a symbolic gesture. Men understand that sort of thing.
>> Haven't you better get those filthy bandages off? Your hands will turn septic.
>> No, they won't. There's no cut to turn septic and there's no good changing them. They just get soggy again. What on earth has he done to himself? Maria, >> haven't you been reading the papers, Paul?
>> Oh, he never touches them, Maria. Lives in a world of his own. Amazing.
>> Mary, you are going to have to get used to the fact that I can now speak for myself and stop talking as though I wasn't there. The sooner you get started, the better I like it.
>> Oh, stop getting testy, Tom. You can't expect me to break the habit of years and as many seconds now, can you? It's not going to be much fun for me either, you know, having to listen to you all the time. I've got used to talking to you as if you weren't really there and expecting no reply. Now I shall have to start thinking of what I'm talking about, which won't be easy at my time of life.
>> Right. I will allow you a few days.
Grace, Marcia, what has he done to himself?
>> I can talk for myself as well. Thank you.
>> I am never talking to you again.
What's he done, Marcia?
>> He'd been stigmatized.
>> Stigmatized?
>> You know, the marks of the nails on his hands. Constantly bleeding.
>> Constantly bleeding what? Not forgetting the feet on the side. The feet. All right, Dad. I'm talking to mother, not to you.
>> Oh, isn't it wonderful, Tom? That a child of ours should become a saint.
>> Please stop saying that, mother. I am not a saint. Anyway, what's so marvelous about constantly soggy socks and shirts?
No fun at all, I assure you. Not to mention having to wear mittens all through summer.
>> When did all this happen, Maria?
>> At the beginning of the week sometime, while George was off on his retreat.
>> Retreat? Oh, >> you know, dear, when one wants to escape from the noise and bustle of daily life, you can pop off to some nice retreat house or vicorage and have a week of prayer and silence.
>> Oh, bear that in mind. But why him? I thought he was supposed to be the world's number one a he is. Makes a profession of it, doesn't he? Almost on telly arguing with someone.
>> Well, I wonder that myself. I mean, I just wanted to find out how the other half live, have a bit of a scoff, get material from the book, and look what happened. And that'll teach me to keep my nose out of other people's religious pastimes.
>> When did it start, George?
>> Um, Tuesday afternoon, third day there.
We just had lunch. Super ghoul meal stodge. Dumplings and carrots and trinkle pudding. Delicious. And we went upstairs to chapel for the afternoon service. simple and thoughtful >> and sometimes of course it feels as though it would be impossible to rise above these pressures.
God bless you. But I feel but I feel that this week of silence will instill in each of us a necessary awareness of the possibility of internal peace.
Each of us, I feel sure, will carry away from this humble house of retreat the seeds of >> Mr. Thompson. You spoke. Uh, well, actually, I said, "Sorry, I said. My left hand is bleeding. I I must have caught it some. I I didn't mean to speak. Sorry, but there there was rather a sharp pain. Sorry about that."
>> Yes. Well, perhaps you'd like to go down and let Matron have a look at it.
She'll put a dressing on it for you.
>> Yes, I'll do that. Would you excuse me?
Sorry. Thank you.
>> Thank you.
>> Sorry.
Now, well, well.
>> Oh, yes. But I feel that this week of silence will instill in each of us. And that's how it all began. Not a scratch to be seen. Dab the blood away and seconds later there it was again. That evening the second hand started and already I accidentally cured the matron's migraine, the maid's acne and an old colonel's gout. They asked me to carve the chicken we were having for dinner that evening and I was terrified to touch it in case it jumped up from the table and went off plucking to the garden. Horrific.
>> Fantastic.
>> And did it?
>> Did what?
>> The chicken. Did it jump up from the table? I already said I didn't dare touch it in case it did.
>> Sorry, I've not quite got the knack of this. listing business yet.
>> Well, why don't you go back to not talking to me again, Dad?
>> No, I'm beginning to quite enjoy myself.
It's going to be fun having a say for a son.
>> Now, don't you start. It's bad enough having her doing it without you. Mother, would you please stop making the sign of the cross every time I look at you? I'm starting to feel like the bride of Dracula.
>> It's just a sign of respect, son.
>> Well, don't respect me. I'm your son.
I'm not a saint. I've not taken the cloth. I'm just an accidental >> How about the other bits? The side and the feet. The paper said you had all five marks.
>> Yeah, well, they were right, of course, but they were only doing some astute guessing. Nobody had actually seen them apart from me.
>> Give us a look.
>> I beg your pardon. Give us a look. After all, we are family. We're as involved in this as you are. I've never heard anything so unbelievable in all thy life. There's my dear old dad, who half an hour ago couldn't hear a dicky bird blandly asking to see the bleeding body of his only son, as if it was an exhibit in some peeps over at the front. Sorry, I was just a thought.
>> You should just be ashamed of yourself, Tom. George will show us in his own good time.
>> I will not show either of you in my own good time, or otherwise. My wounds are private, and so they shall remain.
>> Well, if he doesn't wish us to witness his wounds, well, that's his own business, but I still think he's being a bit chish.
Come along, Tom. Finish up your drink.
There's obviously nothing we can do to help here.
>> Oh, right. Well, cheers.
I hope everything turns out all right.
>> Cheers.
>> Cheers.
>> Nice of the police to put a guard on the place, wasn't it?
>> It would have been nicer still if they chased everybody off home like sensible people. I'm starting to feel like a oneman lord.
>> Well, it was your own fault for curing those two people when we sent your mom and dad to the door.
>> It wasn't my fault. I didn't even know there'd be anything wrong with them till I saw the late night news.
>> You should have guessed by the way they were waving their crutches to attract your attention. I just thought they were two reporters who got hurt in the crush and shook their hands to commiserate. I never actually thought that ill people would turn up here.
>> Well, you've done it now. Place is fast turning into a national shrine. You know, there's a man halfway up the garden path lying on a mattress.
>> I know. I saw his friends come and drop him off about 8:00 and then they went off to the pub with all the reporters.
I'd like to have gone off with them for a lemonade myself, but >> the garden's ruined. I only hope your magic stretches to patunias. It's going to take months to sort it out. Look, why don't you just pop out and cure everybody? We're going to get no sleep if this singing goes on all night.
>> Oh, what's the point if I go out now and sort them all out? There's just going to be twice as many there tomorrow night, isn't there? I mean, better for the word to spread that I'm not very good at it rather than I'm marvelous at it. And then they might thin out a bit, might I?
>> What I don't understand is how the papers got onto it in the first place. I mean, you surely weren't silly enough to tell them yourself.
>> Oh, not on your life. No, it was either someone on the retreat or someone in the village where the retreat was held. But how do they know?
>> Well, it didn't need very sharp eyes to see that something strange was going on up at Vicorage.
>> What do you mean?
>> Well, a fairly average group of retreatants changed in two days from being slightly geriatric into rhombus boy scouts and girl guys, dropping at least 20 years each along the way, along with warts, sticks, and assorted sore throats. Didn't you old lady of about 70 failed none of something I'd imagine who was about the only one who hadn't sat next to me or shook hands or pulled up my soggy socks or any of the other ps used by the others to get a slime miracle mainly because I was too quick for her actually and well anyway she fell down the chapel steps where I was at the bottom and I heard a crack as a leg broke. I mean fantastic sound really crack and I put out my hand and picked her up and she skipped off down the corridor whistling. Is that why you left before the week was up?
>> No, actually the people who organized it asked me to go.
>> Why?
>> Well, it was becoming farcical. It had got to the point where they were having standup fights over who should sit next to me at meals or in chapel, and they were very healthy by then. It got quite brutal.
>> You're pulling my leg.
>> No, I'm not. Honestly, I mean, I was only pleased they'd all got rid of their sticks by then. It could have been really nasty.
Mind you, the journey through London was a nightmare. I almost wished I was back on retreat. I left a trail of mended bodies behind me. A guard on the train, a port at the station, the ticket collector, taxi driver.
You know that blind paper seller at the corner of the station?
>> Yes.
>> Well, he isn't now.
>> What are we going to do, George?
>> Oh, we'll think of something. For what it's worth, I'll go along and see Dr. Eaton tomorrow to see if he can suggest anything. Harry's always full of bright ideas.
>> You never get through the crowd.
>> I'll set off early while they're still a bit dopey. Tell you what, I'll borrow one of your dresses and your wig and go out pretending to be the housekeeper.
>> We haven't got a housekeeper.
>> Well, they don't know that, do they?
>> Oh, come on. Let's get settled down. I'm shattered.
>> Um, you going to switch off your light as well, darling?
>> I switched it off. I thought it was >> George.
>> What is it?
Can't you see?
>> See what?
>> Look in the mirror quick.
>> Oh no. This is the last straw. How on earth am I going to hide a halo?
>> Dr. Aiden will see you now.
>> Take a seat, please. I'll be with you in a minute.
Harry, it's me, your old friend George, not one of your National Health Service jobs.
Well, look up and give me your full attention. I've got a problem.
>> George, how nice to Yes, you certainly have got a problem. If you don't mind my saying to her, George, your gray topper looks ridiculous with that color dress.
>> The color of my dress is not the problem, Harry.
>> Just the dress itself.
>> Not the dress either. Listen, Harry, I accidentally cure people >> pretty much the same way I work.
>> Don't be serious, Harry. I need your help. Yes, you certainly do. Just look at yourself. That dress is much too small for you.
>> Will you please stop hopping on about the dress? Ignore it. It's no part of the problem.
>> How can I ignore it? You walk in here wearing a gray topper, woolly winter mittens, Maria's best orin wig, and a long green dress with a couple of apples stuck up the front oranges.
>> And you say there's no part of the problem. How can I ignore it? It's symptomatic. But don't you see? It's my disguise.
>> You could have fooled me, George. Harry, this conversation is deteriorating rapidly into a very bad double act.
Would you please listen for a minute? I really need your advice.
>> My advice is take a holiday. You're obviously working too hard.
>> Listen, I haven't finished.
>> I'll give you some tablets to help you sleep and some to wake you up. And if you're no better in a fortnight, come back and we'll go out and get you a dress that fits you.
>> I haven't finished.
Harry, haven't you seen a paper in the last couple of days?
>> No.
>> Not one?
>> No, I never touched them. Haven't seen one for years. I have enough misery walking through that door every day to last the average man two lifetimes without going out and buying more.
Television, violence, hospitals, and Dr. Finday never go near it. Radio.
>> Good lord. Is that still going?
>> Oh, I need help. And I pick on the one new star doctor in London. Harry, the media is full of me.
>> I'm not surprised if you go around.
>> Let's not get back to that again. I will now give you the first lesson in the miracle that is me. I take my popper in my hands, give a quick lift, and voila.
What do you see? Hair. No. No. Look closely. A little round ring and a pecia. Can't see it. No. My halo. My halo. A little silver ring there just above my head.
>> George, there's nothing there. I'm sorry, old son, but you really have been working too hard. And I think the best >> It was there. It It really was. Let me have a look in the mirror. It's gone. Is it in the hat? I might have knocked it off. No, you can't knock halos off. No, believe me. Believe me, I had it last night. It shone out like a beacon and this morning as I dressed in the gloom.
But of course the room's too bright. The blinds. Harry, >> sit down, George.
>> No, just draw the blinds, Harry, and you'll see what I'm talking about.
>> George, sit down. I draw the blinds. You wearing that dress. My receptionist walks in. I'm finished.
>> All right, I'll show you my wounds then.
>> George, put your dress down. This is ridiculous.
>> What have you got round your middle?
>> Yes, there. That made you stop and think, didn't it? It's to hide my bleeding, Harry. To hide your bleeding what, George?
>> Too late for that one. My father beat you to it by 16 hours. Shoes off, >> George. Those shoes are making a terrible mess of your feet.
>> Mittens off. So, what do you see?
>> Five rather nasty bandages and a pair of Y front underpants.
>> Right now, off with the bandages around the middle. Hold that, please.
>> Not so fast, George. You'll make yourself dizzy. Round and round and round and round. Off the bandage comes.
Tap tap tap. No mark. Left foot round around. Off the band it comes.
No mark. Right foot round.
Off the bell it comes.
No mark. George, would you kind? Left hand round. Off the band it comes. Tap dab. No mark. Right hand round. Off the band it comes. Tap dab. No mark. Now they're all off and not a mark to be seen. Right. Proving that you're a bit kinky for soiled bandages. No such thing. I sit here, hands off the desk, palms up, watch. Nothing up my sleeve.
No trickery. Just watch.
Good lord.
Blood.
>> Yeah. And my side as well. Look.
>> Amazing.
And the feet are the same.
>> Exactly the same. Well, I wonder if you'd lift them off the carpet, George.
It's just been cleaned. Oh, sorry.
That's all right. Well, it's amazing, George. I will give you that superation without abrasion. I've never seen the like. I think you should really make a point of seeing somebody about this, George.
>> Well, that's what I'm doing. I'm seeing you.
>> No, no, no, no, no. This is way outside my territory. You need a psychiatrist.
>> Why?
>> Oh, don't you see? It's in your mind.
>> But you can see it as well.
>> Oh, yes. It's real. All right. But it's your mind that's doing it. Can't you see that amazing machine, George? The mind.
>> Amazing.
>> Harry, don't you recognize stigmata when you see it?
>> What's stigmata?
>> Stigmata, the marks of the cross, traversing a void of nearly 2,000 years to be occasionally manifested on the bodies of the worthiest of believers.
The only problem being that it's accidentally hit me, the greatest non-believer of all time. Something bigger than the mind is involved here, Harry, and I don't like it. I enjoy being an atheist and I don't want my views messed about with. So Harry, get rid of it. The psychiatrist will probably decide that deep down inside you rarely believe and this bleeding is a backlash from your unconscious mind against your unyielding consciousness.
They talk like that, you know.
>> All right. All right. I can see the mind could in certain circumstances cause something like this woundless bleeding to occur. But what about the halo that doesn't even touch the body? How can my mind make that effect?
>> You forget, George. I hadn't seen the halo. You knocked it off when you took your topper off. Remember?
>> You can't knock halos off. It's just too bright in here. That's all. All right.
All right. Forget the halo. What about the miracles? Explain that away if you can.
>> Miracles?
>> Yes. Miracles? I am a living, breathing walking lords. The lame, the halt, and the blind touch my bleeding bits and they're better. Do you understand me, Harry? Boils to broken legs of bad backs. Touch me and they've gone. Warts a specialtity. People are camping out at the bottom of my garden singing hymns, waiting for me to appear. They're scavenging my dust bins for you whose bandages. The police have set up a guard. My image is being ruined. Harry, I need your help.
>> You do realize, of course, that you can get into trouble practicing without a license.
>> I'm not practicing. I have no need to practice. It just happens. Oh, help me, Harry. I mean it. Well, to be honest, there's not a lot I can do.
Oh, I mean I'll take a couple of samples if you like and have them analyze to see if that throws any light, but I doubt if it will. And I honestly don't think a psychiatrist could help. I mean, you've got to be a bit dar to be a psychiatrist. And if every time you touched one, you cured him, the country be out of them in no time. No, I honestly think the best thing you can do, as this seems a churchy sort of problem, is to go along and have a chat with your vicar.
>> I haven't got a vicar, Harry. There's not that many atheists that do.
Yes, that's a problem. Never thought of that. Well, you're in television, aren't you? Have a word with the one who does the epilogue. A >> different one every week. Never get to know them. They're in and out like a whippet.
>> I've got it. The Catholics. Go off and confess.
>> But I have nothing to confess.
>> Oh, that's not important. They have cubicles. It's dark and private. It'll give you a chance to talk without being seen. And that's a bonus. They won't be able to see you wearing a dress.
>> Don't Let's go back to that again.
>> You'll do it. M. Well, I'll think about it. Come on, let's get the samples over with and I'll get my dressings back on.
>> Right. Rest your feet on the desk.
>> I'll get it from them. Stop you making that terrible mess on the carpet.
>> 10 minutes of the engage signal every time. What's she playing at? I told her to put the phone back on at 1.
>> Um, I'm I'm sorry, young man, but I'm making a rather important call and I'm having a problem getting connected.
Wearing a frock as tight as that, I'm surprised you have any problem at all getting connected.
Ah, got it.
Come on. Come on. Come on.
>> Hello. I'm sorry, but Mr. Thompson is not giving any interviews today. is not open to any offers, cannot open your fate, and is unable to come to the telephone because of the future engagements. Neither have >> No, master. Master, hang on, hang on, hang. It's me, George.
>> George, where have you been? I put the phone back on at 1:00 like you said. It hasn't stopped ringing.
>> No, where I've been. I've been to see Dr. Eaton. Anyway, I told him not to answer the phone to anyone but me.
>> Yes, but how do I know whether it's you or not before I pick the telephone up and answer it?
>> Never thought of that. Sorry, darling.
I'm a bit over wrought. Who's been ringing?
>> Everybody. It looks as though every newspaper in the country is after you for an interview. The Catholic Herald wants your life story and the Daily Worker wants you to take out a subscription. Oh, yes. And Charles rang from the BBC. He wants to talk about next week's broadcast.
>> What did he say about it?
>> He didn't say, just that it's urgent.
>> After that, your mother rang and said, "Will you please make your father deaf again?"
>> Why?
>> Something about him arguing all the time.
>> Well, if she rings again, no, on second thoughts, just leave the phone off the hook when I ring off and she won't be able to get through.
>> Doesn't make any difference. She said she's coming around in any case. Not that she'll get through. There's hundreds outside. It is fantastic.
>> Oh dear. What did Harry say, George?
Well, >> there's nothing he can do. Oh, >> he told me to go to confession.
>> Why? What have you done?
>> Nothing. He just thought it might be nice to have a chat in the dark.
>> Oh, I wouldn't mind a chat in the dark myself. When are you coming home?
>> Well, I I'll just go off to confession and then I'll be back.
>> You can't go to confession in the middle of the day.
>> Why not?
>> Because they don't keep shop hours, George. Evenings usually and Saturday mornings. Besides, you've got to come back now, George.
>> The Secret Servicemen are coming back at 2:00.
>> The se What Secret Servicemen? I forgot to tell you. Just after you left this morning, before it got really light, two men arrived wearing charcoal gray suits and black ties. I thought they'd come for a cure because they both had bulges underneath the handkerchief pocket in their coats. I thought they had funny chests or something. Anyway, they showed me their identification and they were from a department called the RM section of the Secret Service.
>> What's RM stand for?
>> Something about a religious manifestations. But I'm only guessing. I wasn't really listening.
>> Well, you should have paid attention, Maria. It might have been important.
>> Darling, it was important. very early in the morning and I wasn't exactly at my best after a night of close harmony hymn singing.
>> Sorry. Go on. What What What did they have to say?
>> Well, it turns out you might constitute a threat of some sort to national security because a foreign power might try to grab you for their own evil ends, if you know what I mean.
>> No, I don't know what you mean.
>> Well, neither do I, but it was very early in the morning and I was being agreeable. Anyway, what it boils down to is this that they're now watching the place along with the police and when you arrive back, they want to have a little chat.
>> They're going to try and turn me into a secret weapon, aren't they? back and feel it in my bones. I'm going to be a new secret weapon. Well, I won't do it.
You hear me? I won't do it.
>> Well, tell them, darling. Not me.
Anyway, I'm sure you're wrong. Apart from the bumps under their coats, they seem so very nice. How long you going to be? Are you very far away?
>> No, no, I'm not far away. In fact, if I straight, I can just hear the hymns they're singing at the moment. I'll see you in a few minutes. Okay.
>> Okay.
>> Right. Bye, darling.
>> Bye. See you in a few minutes.
Excuse me. Excuse me. Most God, I've never seen out like the streets packed. There must be a couple of thousand people here.
>> I'll never get through.
>> Yeah. Watch your pushing lane.
>> Yes. We're all in the same boat.
Everybody wants to see him. So, wait your turn.
>> Yes. Sorry, ma'am. Didn't mean to stand on you. I didn't see you lying down there.
>> Oh, God. If they find out who I am. I've had it. Harry Shredders. I always wondered how they got those relics of saints heads and bones and things. And now I think I know, but I don't like it.
Make way. Make way. I must get through.
It's a matter of life and death. My life and my death. Still nearly there. I think I saw a glimpse of the gate through the crutches. One last push.
>> Made it. Through the gate and I'm home.
>> Shut that gate.
>> But but officer, I live here.
>> Madam, 25% of the people in this crowd live here. I know because they have individually fought their way up to that little we gate where you're standing now and told me so. Now what I suggest is that you close that gate and either go back and sing with the rest or better still pop off home for a nice cup of tea.
>> Officer, can I talk to you somewhere?
Take him out private. Very important.
>> I also point out that it is an offense to offer an officer of the law an opportunity of money to gain in repayment for some duration of duty on his part, i.e. bribery. So be very careful. Do not attempt to bribe me.
>> I have no intention at all of attempting to bribe you. Just thought I'd get the warning in first. I wouldn't like to see a nice lady like you getting into trouble.
>> If you would just slip me through this gate, I would very quickly show you that I'm not really a nice lady at all.
>> Madam, that could also be construed in some circles to be a form of bribery.
And so I must again severely warn you.
>> I am not a she, I am he. Look, >> everybody in this crowd's got problems.
We can't make exceptions, pass judgments on who should get cured first. Just let this one through and not that one through. It's not part of our job. We just guard the gate. Let no one through.
Anyway, what you say is true. You do realize you can get a serious trouble walking around like that, don't you?
That dress is much too tight for you. In any case, >> but you haven't understood me. I'm not just any old he. I'm a particularly important he. I am him. The he that this lot think is in there. But he isn't.
He's here. He's me.
>> You're not making very good sense. Now, slowly tell me, what are you talking about?
>> Let me whisper in your ear. Now, >> what? What? Watch it, Sunny. Don't test my patience too far.
>> Let me whisper.
Pardon?
You are?
>> Yes.
>> Unbelievable. Some people have the strangest sense of humor.
>> George over here.
>> Who are me here?
>> Good lord. It's mother.
>> I was never going to make it. Isn't this wonderful? George, >> grandfather, do you want to get me corn?
>> What the hell are you doing wearing that ridiculous green dress up? Take your business. This is no way for a saint to behave. You're making a mockery of the whole business. sticking apples off your front line. Just gra >> oranges. Mother, it's a long story. I'll tell you when we get inside if we ever get inside. Open the gate and let's get in.
>> I can't.
>> Why not?
>> What about him?
>> He's guarding me. The only problem being that I'm on the wrong side of the fence.
I can't convince him I mean we'll see about that. My good man stop giggling and listen to me.
>> Yeah. What's your broly, mother?
>> Oh, madam. It's an offense to poke a Bobby in the belly with a broly.
>> This young man tells me you don't believe him. Well, I can confirm that he is telling the truth. He is my son.
>> Did you you the father or the mother?
>> Never been so insulted in my life. I shall report you to the commissioner.
>> Commissioner, >> I don't care which it is. I will report you just the same. As the mother of a saint, I demand the respect that is due.
>> Mother, I am not a saint.
>> And furthermore, I suggest you show my son proper respect as well before you are struck down by a bolt of lightning or something.
>> I have orders to let no one through this gate and no one passes.
>> George is in stock. Strike him down with a bolt of lightning.
>> I don't do bolts of lightning, mother.
You've got me mixed up with four of them.
>> All right, then. Perform a miracle on him.
>> Nor do I perform miracles to order. All the miracles that have so far happened, apart from dad's deafness, have been purely accidental. I refuse to use my newfound infirmity as a key to my own front door.
>> Do you want to be allowed in?
>> Well, yes. Well, you'll never convince him otherwise.
>> All right. You've convinced me. Right.
What's wrong with you, officer?
>> Nothing.
>> What do you mean nothing? Everybody's got to have something wrong with them.
>> Never had a day's illness in my life.
>> Well, what about your teeth? They must have caused a bit of trouble somehow.
>> Oh, me. Not even a filling.
>> What about your feet? They must take it, you're a policeman. Well, of course they do. But that's an occupational hazard.
That doesn't count.
>> Got something to start with. And your back?
>> Naturally. You get a bit of pain when you get to my age standing around all the time. But >> yes. And what about your head? Doesn't all this noise give you a headache?
>> Well, it's it's ringing a bit, of course. Thought you were supposed to make me make me feel better. I never felt so miserable in my life.
>> Good. Move close, mother. Hide my hand while I take my mitten off. There we are.
>> Right, officer. Hold my hand.
>> You've got to be joking. be more than my job is worth if I was caught while on duty holding hands with a bloke wearing a frog.
>> Persuasion's useless, George. Make a wrap.
>> Right.
Gotcha.
>> Get off.
That's fantastic.
>> Oh, that's that's terrific.
You're in. You're in. You're in.
>> So now you're in. You're in. You're in.
I'll open the gate. Off. You go home.
Oh, forgive me for doubting you. St. George.
>> I am not a saint. This is no time to argue, George. Let's just get inside.
Here. Here. The law of the COMPANY OF ALL WOMEN.
>> WE'VE GOT JUSTICE.
>> YEAH. LET'S GO IN AS WELL.
>> COME ON, EVERYBODY. GET OVER THE BED.
>> GEORGE, QUICK, open the door. There's got to be a ride.
>> Well, my keys in the handbag master.
WHERE? WHERE'S THE HANDBAG? Upstairs in the bedroom. I forgot it. I'm using something missing. Come up.
>> Well, call the letter box then.
>> Right.
Quick. There's going to be a riot.
>> You're not George. George has a key.
>> I left it in my handbag upstairs.
>> Anybody could say that. How do I know it's really you?
>> Stop fooling around. This is serious. We look through the letter box. Does this convince you?
>> What is it? Two oranges. George, that's rude. Put them back immediately.
Oh.
>> Oh, thank goodness for that. I thought I was never going to make it in one piece.
>> My heart. Marcia. My heart.
>> That's brandy. My mom. What about you, George? Anything?
>> That's no way to greet a husband who's just been nearly shredded by a mob.
>> Sorry, George, but I do find incredibly hard to take your problem seriously when you're wearing that green dress. It's much too George, where's your top hat and halo? Damn, I must have left it to Dr. Eden.
>> The halo?
>> No, the hat.
>> You never told me about any halo, George.
>> Well, it's only a small one. Mother is hardly worth mentioning.
>> It was a beautiful one, and it would have been an enormous help keeping the electric light bills down. What a pity it's gone.
>> Oh, don't worry. It hasn't gone. It's still there. I think it doesn't show with its light. I suppose it's to do with the regulations of either saving of display lighting during daylight hours or something.
Oh, dear. It's starting to sound a bit regressive out there, isn't it? Yeah.
Well, I reckon a quick cup of tea for me. Brandy for mom. Whatever you're having, Marcia. Change my address, phone call to Charles the Beaver, and then we'll all make a boat for it. Good idea, right? Can we come round and stay with you for a couple of days, mother?
>> Oh, well, I I don't really think my house is worthy enough, George. I mean, of course, it would be a great honor, but I >> settled. Would you organize a drink, Marcia?
>> Right away.
>> Terrific. Sit down, Mom. I'll just make a phone call and we'll be out of here in no time. Just put the receiver back for a second.
>> Unbelievable.
Get off the line.
>> Manners, George. Manners. That's no way for a saint to talk.
>> Eaton here. A Dr. Eaton. Stop being so aggressive, George. You'll make yourself even ill.
>> Sorry, H. Sorry. It's been a hard day.
Look, Harry, can I call you back? I really must make another call.
>> No, certainly not. This is the first time in my career I've ever called a patient instead of him calling me. And I expect you to treat the occasion with a reasonable sense of decorum and be aware of the obvious serious nature of the call.
>> Yeah, but you found something out.
>> Yes, I have. You're right. That stuff I took from you cures people.
>> I know that, Harry.
>> Yes, but I didn't. Did I? And I do now, don't I? So that throws a different light on the whole case, doesn't it?
>> Do you mean you know the cure?
>> Certainly not. That's the last thing we want to do. Cure it.
>> What do you mean?
>> Don't you realize the implication, George? You are a walking gold mine. We are rich.
>> What are you talking about? Have >> George, after you left me, I dabbed a drop out of one of the files onto the little finger of every patient, private and national, who walked through the door, and not one of them left needing a prescription. Well, I could have told you that, Harry had.
>> I put a drop each on my three ailing pot plants, and they've all grown at least 6 in in the last two hours. The cat from next door jumped through the window, had a quick lick of the sample before I could stop him, and he is now rapidly becoming a kitten. Not to mention the fact that I've had two dabs of the stuff myself, and feel at least 20 years younger. Medical science. And put our names into every newspaper in the country.
>> Harry, my name is already in every paper in the country. I'm trying to get it out. George, this is no time to hide your light under a bushel and to hog the limelight. We'll share the fame together. I'm a humble man, George, and I've never craved fame. But this is so big, the mind boggles. You're a Fleming, Cury, Pastor, and Albert Schvitzer all rolled into one. You're a 20th century panacea. Not only that, but you're non-denominational, and that can't be bad. George, I want to share this moment with you and look after your health.
Look, Harry, if you want to look after my health, stop doing party tricks with my blood and find out what's wrong with it.
>> I'm trying to explain to you there's nothing wrong with it. It's perfect for our purposes.
>> What? What purposes? What are you talking about?
>> Listen, George. Listen carefully. Here's the plan. I'm going to call a special general meeting of my privates.
>> There must be another expression you can use, Alie.
>> I'll cure them all and then explain my scheme. We will finance my private sn a clinic guaranteeing a cure on the same day or no charge backed up by a health and accident insurance scheme to finance the opening of other clinics all over the country and finally the world to be a gold mine we can't lose. I of course will look after the ethical and medical side. All you have to do George is to sit on some sun-kissed beach and provide a little blood occasionally. How does that strike you? The directors of course will expect some reasonable return, say 75%. But the other 25 will go straight to you taxfree if you stay out of the country long enough. What do you say, George?
>> No.
>> Well, you're right. 75 is a bit high.
Let's say 50/50.
>> No.
>> You drive a hard bargain for an atheist, George. 25 to us, 75 to you.
>> No.
>> I've got to be able to offer some profit, otherwise they won't come in.
10% for us, 90 for you.
>> No, no, no, nothing. No deal. No clinic, no nothing. I just want to be cured.
You've got that Harry cured. I'm a sick atheist.
>> You are also selfish, egotistical, and self-centered. I've always known it. I no longer consider you as one of my favorite patients. George, you're struck off my list. And I shall personally report your unethical conduct to the British Medical Council. George, we're through. And furthermore, I'm going to throw your top hat in the dust bin. So there.
>> Randy, ma'am, te won't be a sick.
>> George, >> thank you. Maria, >> who's on the phone?
>> Anything to report? Yes, he's thrown my top hat in the dust bin.
>> Strange.
>> I really think he ought to see a doctor.
>> You could be right.
>> Oh, damn. I forgot I put the phone back on the hook again.
>> Would you like me to get it then?
>> No, thank you, mother. It may be the archbishop, and I don't want you having me one of your turns.
>> Oh, I'll get it, George.
>> No, you get the tea. Sam, you were off.
It's sounding ominously close.
>> Hello, >> George. Charles.
>> Oh, Charles, I was just about to call you. Maria said he said he said he said he said he said he said he said he said he said he said you round. Well, very briefly, George, as I'm rather pressed and you must be rather busy curing people and things, your next week's broadcast is off, I'm afraid, and you're indefinitely suspended from godslaughter. Now, I've been told to offer a desert island discs and if you're in >> But, but why, Charles?
>> Well, Desert Island Discs calls for a certain type of >> No, no, no. I mean, why the cancellation and the suspension and stuff?
>> Well, briefly, as I'm rather pressed and you must be rather busy curing people and things, but it's felt, and this is coming from pretty high up, George, I'm not expressing my own view. Briefly, it's felt that as the atheist point is used basically as a sounding board against which can rebound the more recent arguments of the clergy and priests. Or to put it another way, you're there as a bit of a giggle because we all know you're wrong. Now, I'm not of course expressing my own views here, George. Or yet another way, you're the cowboy with the black hat and they're the cowboy with the white hat and they always win because they're the goodies and you're the baddie, if you see what I mean. But now it appears you've gone and changed all that by somehow getting hold of the white hat.
It's considered by somebody pretty high up that you've somehow cheated or to put it another way have gained an unfair advantage and therefore mustn't be allowed to use your advantage to the disadvantage of any clergy or priest that appear on the program. Now I'm sure that you can see that it would be rather in Congress if you were there saying there ain't no god and doing all these miracles while they're there they're there saying there is one and they can't do a thing. So, it's considered all round to be better. And I'm not expressing my own view here, George. To be better if you did no more religious programs till you've got this problem sorted out and a decent time lag is left so that people have time to forget and go back to giggling again, if you see what I mean. Now, I have laid it all out in a letter I've sent you today, which also clarifies your contractual position. Anyway, I'm rather pressed and I really must go, George. So, I'll let you get back to your curigan things.
Well, now look forward to seeing you in the club soon. I'm very sorry about this, of course, but you do realize it's got nothing to do with me. Well, see you soon. Bye.
>> Bye.
Bye, Charles.
I'll leave it off the hook. Well, mother, your son's just been sacked.
>> And a good thing, too. What a job for a grown man scoffing at religion. You watch God doesn't get his own back by playing a joke on you one of these days.
That would teach you. You just watch out.
>> Yeah, there's a thing to think about, right? There's a thing to think about.
>> Cups of tea and chocolatey biscuits.
Would you like a cup as well, Mom?
>> Oh, no, thank you, dear. I'll just have another biscuit. I'm going off the Brookfields in a couple of weeks time.
Get away from Tom for a bit, so I'll soon sweat it off.
>> That was Charles on the phone. I've been evicted from God. He offered me Desert Island discs.
>> But why?
>> Apparently, I'm the sort of person who picks good records.
>> No religion? Why are you out?
>> I think you're afraid I'll set up in business by myself. Oh, thank you. That looks lovely. But that's ridiculous.
>> Oh, >> what on earth was that?
>> Now, just have a look.
>> The fence is gone. I think we're about to be overrun.
>> Open up. Police.
>> Darling, quick. Two men outside in gray suits with bulges. Come and have a look.
See if they're your friends from the Secret Service.
>> Open up the door.
>> Yes, that's them.
>> Right. I'm off at the back. See you this evening at Mother's.
>> Oh, but why not stay and meet them?
They're charming. Master, I am not going to be turned into a man mending machine on the battlefields of the world or into a diplomatic favor used for rejuvenating aged premers and moldy mollocks. I am going to confession looking for a cure.
>> Open up immediately or we'll break the door down.
>> Bye, master. Bye, Mom. See you later.
I'm off out the back to virtue. Nearly forgot my oranges. We are. Bye.
>> Bye. See you at mothers. Left one's a bit low, George.
>> Whoops. Bry.
>> Bye.
>> Bye.
>> Don't forget to make your father deaf again before you're cured.
>> Might be.
Oh, >> right. That looks like the last of the real confessors. Give it a couple of minutes. Make sure no one else turns up then I pop.
Wonder what he'll say. Never mind. I'll soon find out. Hope he doesn't laugh.
No, no, he wouldn't.
Well, that last one took a time. Quarter of an hour, I reckon. I wonder what you've been up to. Well, it's no business of mine.
You look a nice car as well.
We never tell these days.
What a job. 2 and a half hours he's been in there now. I wonder what happens if he wants to. Well, no, I don't suppose he does. I mean, they have a lot of training for this job.
Well, better make a move. Soon I'm in, sooner I'm cur and off to bums for a bit of supper. Say I'm starving. Yes, I wish I had a sandwich with me. I eat it before I go in. Well, I have them. So, such a lot. Hang on. Hang on. I'll have one of my oranges. Here's the left that one's the biggest. I'll have that. There we are. You little beauty.
Peel peel peel.
Lovely.
That's done. Now, hide the skin under the pew.
Give the vir something to think about.
That's delicious.
Yeah. Well, better size to call it a day.
It's quite bright in here. Wonder what I do. That's a very low seat. I can't sit on that. Oh, I see. I suppose I kneel on it. Yes. Right there we hold it. Ow.
Tender knees. Oh.
Well, what now? I wonder.
It's a little window. I wonder if I'm supposed to open it. No.
Net cloth in front of it. I wonder if I should knock. I'll hang on and see.
What's that noise?
He's falling asleep. No one he was in here a quarter of an hour.
Do I have to wait till he wakes up? I can't do. I could be here all night.
People would talk. You think I was a big sinner?
I know. I'll have a bit of orange and think about it.
Lovely.
I'll cough.
I'll knock shop.
>> Three our father's six hand Marys and don't do it again.
>> Pardon?
>> Oh, um, good evening.
>> Pardon?
>> Uh, good evening. Um, my name is >> I don't want to know your name. You should know better. Just get on with the prayer, my son.
>> Pardon?
>> The prayer. The confessional prayer. The prayer you start confessional with.
Bless me, father, etc. >> Bless me, father, etc. I'm sorry. I don't know that one.
>> But what sort of school did you go to?
They didn't teach you a simple basic thing like that. Are you a convert?
>> I'm an atheist, actually.
>> You're a what?
>> An atheist?
>> Well, what are you doing inside a Roman Catholic confessional? Get out, you heathen. Well, it was my doctor's idea, actually.
>> Surely a man of medicine should know that even though being an atheist is a grave sin, you can't just walk in and have the sin wiped out just like that. I mean, you'd have to be a Roman Catholic atheist for that to be possible. That's a contradiction in terms, isn't it?
That's a funny smell.
>> Uh, it's probably my orange.
>> Your orange? Surely you're not eating inside there.
>> Well, I'm sorry, but I haven't eaten all day, and I was starving.
>> I am a bit peckish myself. You haven't got another one, have you?
>> Um, yes, I have. No, that's all right.
Could only spoil my supper.
>> Well, now you're here, you might as well tell me what the problem.
What's that light on your side of the perforations? You're not smoking in there as well, are you? Got to be going rather far, even for an atheist.
>> No, no, I'm not. I I thought it was a bit light in here myself. It must be my halo back again.
>> Your what?
>> My halo? I I've got a little halo.
>> Oh, a little halo.
>> Mhm.
You wouldn't by any chance be from candid camera, would you?
>> No. No, I'm not. Now, my name is George.
>> Ah, don't tell me.
>> Right. I am a small public figure and a convinced atheist. And recently, I was struck down by stigmatism and I now go around accidentally curing people.
>> Good lord, you're George Thompson, >> right?
>> Oh, don't tell me.
>> Sorry. Go on. And my doctor, well that is my ex- doctor, suggested that as this is a churchy sort of problem, I should come along and have a chat with you, a priest, as I haven't got a vicar, in the privacy of the confessional, where you wouldn't be able to see I was wearing a dress.
>> You're wearing a dress, George.
>> Well, I didn't mean to say that, actually.
>> That's funny. The papers didn't mention you wear dresses as well as being an atheist.
>> Well, I don't usually wear dresses.
>> A special occasion is it?
>> No, no, no. I'm in disguise.
>> Oh. Uh, go on then. Sorry to interrupt.
>> Yeah, right. Well, um, it's very obvious that if there was someone up there, which as an atheist I know there isn't.
>> And as a priest, I know there is.
>> Exactly. If there was, he obviously either made a terrible mistake or I've accidentally got in the way of something that was meant for someone else. A sort of religious road accident, if you see what I mean, with me being the victim and some worthy old nun or monk or good Christian or something has accidentally escaped unscathed, which is pretty terrible for them, but disaster for me.
And I think the idea really is that you now act as a sort of religious traffic policeman and sort the whole thing out so I can go back to earning my living as a happy atheist. If you see what I mean, >> there is a problem, George.
No matter how much one would like to help, it's not that easy. I mean, you can't just ring up heaven and say, "God, you've dropped a clanger." It doesn't work like that. Now, if you were a stigmatic Catholic, your claim would be severely tested and case histories of alleged cures will be watched for years.
There's no precedent for someone finding they've got it and feeling they've been unfairly got at and then wanting to have a priest intercede on their behalf to have the stigmatism removed. Oh, one other thing while I'm at it. This halo of yours is beyond imagining.
Stigmatism, though uncommon, is known, but stigmatism plus halo, to the best of my knowledge, is unheard of. I mean, winning the first five dividends on the pool's five weeks in succession would be child's play compared with that. So, you obviously are a pretty special case. Our job now is to find out why and how you came to be stigmatized and work our way towards a solution from there.
Now, if I'm going to be able to help at all, I'm going to have to know a lot more about you and ask some pretty personal questions. So, all I ask really is that you answer honestly, even though it may be a bit embarrassing and keep nothing back from me. All right. Right.
Well, let's make a start by you making your first confession as if you were a Catholic coming in to have your soul cleaned up before a Sunday. Right. right now. Just tell me all the things you've done that you know were wrong in the last week.
>> Well, um uh well, it's a bit of a problem really.
>> Have no fear, my son. This conversation is sacrian. I mean, there's no risk of you waking up on Sunday morning and seeing your confession splashed all over the front page of the Catholic Herald.
So, be frank. Tell me what you've done wrong.
>> Well, to be honest, I haven't done anything much wrong in the last week. In fact, by my terms, I haven't done anything wrong at all. I've said damn twice, but I've always considered that a pretty watery word in any case. But apart from that, >> well, of course, I suppose that's to be expected. You've been a bit conscious of being good for the last week, haven't you? You were on retreat, weren't you?
And then the stigmatism thing must have been a bit of a wet blanket. Made you think a bit.
>> All right. What have you done wrong by your terms in the last month?
>> Well, even then, I can't honestly say that I've done anything wrong. I I lead a very quiet life.
>> Now, you've got to be honest with me, otherwise there's no point to the whole exercise.
>> Honestly, I'm being honest. I can't think of anything in the last week or the last month.
>> All right. All right. We'll broaden it a bit more. The last year. What have you done that you know is wrong in the last year?
Well, even there.
Oh, yes. Yes. I I did tell Marcia, that's my wife, at Christmas last year that I liked a dress she'd bought when I didn't. Well, what I actually said was that I liked the dress but didn't like the color. which was roughly the truth.
>> What color was it?
>> Green.
>> I see.
Well, what have you done wrong since you were 13?
>> Um.
Oh.
Well, nothing, I'm afraid.
>> Surely you must have done something.
>> Sorry.
>> 21.
>> I'm sorry. Nothing.
Let's start again.
>> Good idea. Now, this time I'll give you little hints.
>> Now, I'll obviously leave out the Catholic ones, not going to mass and things like that. And we'd slowly work our way up towards the biggies.
>> Mhm.
>> No. Do you swear much?
>> Never. Well, apart from damn, that is.
It's always struck me as being a bit colorless, if you know what I mean.
>> Well, how about drinking? I've watched you a couple of times on telly when I wanted to have my belief strengthened and a bit of a giggle and you were always going with the carff vodka was it >> water I'm afraid I don't touch alcohol I have a lemonade occasionally mounds of cups of tea there I don't suppose that counts does it >> afraid not how about leery do you lust after loose women >> certainly not I'm a happily married man >> keep your temper I'm trying to help sorry >> how many women have there been in your life >> one >> your wife >> you were married I suppose before you >> of Do you eat more than is good for you?
>> Always just enough.
>> Are you slothful?
>> Pardon?
>> You spend a lot of time in bed?
>> No. Up with an arc? I've always been an early riser.
>> Are you envious of other people's success?
>> Never really thought about it. We do quite nicely ourselves.
>> Do you crave worldly possessions?
Aarishious?
>> Nope. Enough for our needs is enough.
>> Dear What's the point? I know what the answer to every question is going to be.
George, the answer to why you've been stigmatized is very simple. Even a child could see it.
>> Well, I can't. What's the answer? You have accidentally led the life of a saint, and this is your just reward.
>> Oh, but that's ridiculous. There's loads of people know worse or know better than me, and they don't go around dripping into their socks and staining their shirts. Why have I being picked on? I mean, I don't even allow for the possibility of there being someone up there with the capacity to dish out such backhanded rewards.
>> Oh, there's no necessity for you to believe it, for it to happen to you. I mean, in the days when Britain ruled the waves and had little wars all over the place, if some happy native performed a feat of heroism on the field of battle in some far-flung bit of the empire, he got his Victoria Cross, whether he believed Victoria actually existed or not. Yes, but at least he had the satisfaction of being able to send it back and say, "Look here. No matter what people say, no matter what goodies you send me, I still don't believe you're for real. So take back your VC, Mrs. Queen. You're a figment of other people's imagination." wouldn't he?
Though I mostly given postuously presumably now I think about it to take care of that eventuality.
Anyway, if it's any consolation, you will at least get the chance to argue your case after you're dead when you go up to heaven and face him.
>> I'm not going up to heaven or anywhere else when I'm dead. I'm an atheist and I demand to be left alone to rest in peace without being haunted by other people's mistaken beliefs. I do not believe in God.
>> If you're going to go on like this, we'd be here all night. I thought you came here for a cure.
>> You mean you might know the answer? You may have a cure.
>> Of course I have it. Simple. Two options as well.
>> Well, tell me, tell me, tell me.
>> Right. First option. Pack up. Being an atheist and join a religion. It doesn't really make any odds which one you pick.
Whether you're a prod dog or Wesley or a Mick makes no difference. The cures are still virtually guaranteed. But we Roman Catholics are rather better than most at cancelelling out saints. We got rid of dozens a few years back. So, you could join us and perhaps get rid of your problem quicker. I don't see how joining a religion can possibly help. I mean, if I become religious on top of everything else, I'll end up levitating. How can catching religion possibly provide a cure?
>> Simple. At the moment, you live by your own sweet rules. Goodness and non-indulgence, plus the conventions that society's laid on you since childhood, and that's all. You can't fail to become a saint. But you join us, and you've got nearly 2,000 years of conventions and rules concerning the conduct of your daily life and preservation of your soul to live by.
She couldn't help but do wrong. The dayto-day life of a Roman Catholic is a minefield of sin. You only need a couple of small explosions to blast your stigmata away forever. I mean, I have 70year-old nuns who can hardly walk.
Walk in here with more sins in one week by their convictions than you've got in the last 20 years by yours. Their souls are driving through London trying desperately to keep to the traffic regulations and escape convictions. A virtual impossibility. while your soul is driving the only car in Sark allowed on the road with hardly any restrictions at all and no chance of convictions because you're also the island's only policeman. Do you see what I mean? Join us or any religion come to that and you can't help fail to keep the rules and thereby lose the mark of goodness.
>> No, I'm sorry I couldn't do that. I'd be living a lie. I mean, I'm an atheist and I always will be.
>> Look at him. A saint to the last. He can't live a lie to be able to live at peace. God bless you, my son. You are the very first Christian non-Christian if you see what I mean. Uh you said there were two options.
>> Right. There are just uh check the course clear before I tell you.
No one there. Good. Now listen. Here's the second option. But don't tell anyone I told you. All right.
>> Right. What is it? Well, I could never suggest this to a Catholic, but as you're a heathen, it doesn't count.
All you've got to do is to leave here and go off and be really bad.
>> What do you mean? Pinch a bottle of milk off someone's doorstep or something.
>> No, really, really bad.
Drink, swear, lie, fornicate, that sort of thing.
>> I can never do that sort of thing. It's against my nature.
>> Exactly. It's your nature you're fighting against. Stop acting like a saint, George, or you're in great danger of becoming one. The first atheist saint. What an embarrassment. Go off and be cured. You know how. Now, for your parents, I'd like you to say, "Oh, I can't give you a penance, can I?" Well, never mind. It's been very nice meeting you. Go off and be really bad, and everything should work out fine. My son >> Maria, will you please stop pacing up and down and pay attention? The news will be on in a second.
>> How can I pay attention when I'm this worried? Why isn't George back? It's nearly 11:00. He never stays out this late.
>> You won't get him back by wearing our carpet out. He'll be all right. Come and sit down, Maria.
>> Perhaps he had a lot to confess and then went off to church to repent his evil way.
>> No chance. I bet he's been kidnapped by some foreign power, locked up in an embassy somewhere, tied and gagged, waiting to be whipped out of the country on the first available flight.
>> More likely those nice secret servicemen caught up with him and took him into custody for his own protection.
>> Will you both stop this constant talking? I'm trying to watch television.
>> And will you kindly give your daughter-in-law the common courtesy of a bit of attention? She's very worried.
>> Oh, that's all right, Dad. You watch telly.
>> I'll have to now because Mary's hinted I shouldn't.
>> It's news time. Quick, switch it over.
Right, Martha, switch the light off.
>> Oh, okay.
>> Authorities are believed to be seriously considering martial law in the area where an estimated crowd of more than a quarter of a million people are at this moment holding a candle lit procession through the surrounding streets. Wow.
>> All police leave has been cancelled and all offduty policemen are requested to report for duty at their local stations.
>> They've also been asked to broadcast a request that no other members of the general public go into the area.
>> Now, speaker vans are at this moment trying with little success to go through the street, asking the crowd to disperse. This evening, two houses in the area, which had been set on fire after candle stubs had been carelessly dropped, were gutted when fire engines were unable to get through the crush to attend the blaze.
>> It's believed that the crews of the fire engine have since joined the procession.
>> The whereabouts of George Thompson himself continues to be something of a mystery. First, it was thought he'd been taken into protective custody, but this hasn't so far been confirmed. Oh, I was wrong then.
>> The only thing that is certain is that he's no longer at his former home, which after police failed to hold the crowd this afternoon, was invaded by over 2,000 souvenir hunting followers. Lord, >> the house has since been declared a structure liable to collapse.
>> Goodness me.
>> An interesting sidlight on the whole George Thompson affair was thrown this afternoon when a doctor, who later declared himself to be a potential business partner of Mr. Thompson, in one hour managed to cure over,500 patients in the oldest hospital in London using a small file of plasma allegedly supplied by Mr. Thompson.
>> That's Harry.
>> The hospital is now completely empty of patients for the first time since the 14th century. And the doctor is helping the police with their inquiries.
>> Isn't that amazing?
>> It's George. Turn down the telly.
>> Don't go straight to the door. Check from the window first.
>> It is him.
>> Is he by himself?
>> Yes.
>> Oh, open the door quick before anybody sees him.
>> Oh. Oh, I'm so excited. A saint in my house.
>> Quiet.
>> Oh, you you are insufferable. Never mind me.
>> George, you're safe.
>> I haven't got a saint. Oh, George, it's so good to see you. I thought you'd been kidnapped.
>> No, I kept the back streets to hide my halo.
>> It's still as bright as ever, George. No cure.
>> Very not. Well, the solution's easy.
It's the application that's difficult.
Um I I I I have a confession to make, Marcia. For the first time in my life, I've been out chasing loose women.
>> Well, I doubt whether you caught any.
It's not easy running in a tight dress.
>> Well, these weren't the sort of women who run away.
>> George, what do you mean? Well, briefly, the answer to my problem was to go off and be bad according to the priest. You know, lie, steal, swear, something like that.
>> He's not a priest.
>> No, no, no. He was very helpful, actually. They nice. But now, as I know that all those options could be pretty nasty or make me sick or end up in jail.
You know, something like that. I I I thought I'd have a go for the one I've heard can be quite nice. That's fornication.
>> What's that?
>> Having it away.
>> George, what a terrible expression.
>> I've had worse ways of putting it tonight. It's been a long evening. So, >> how did you enjoy >> fornication?
>> I did. I visited six models one after the other in quick succession.
>> I thought you were supposed to be finding a cure, not breaking records.
>> And each time exactly the same thing happened. They were startled at my appearance, asked a high price because of my obvious kink. We haggled a bit, agreed the price, shook hands on the deal, and they matured. No longer were they ladies available for hire. They all cried, said, "What a wicked life I've led." And went home to their moms. Well, I gave up at the 61 and came home to my mom's.
>> Oh, I never so pleased.
>> Oh, so am I.
>> Oh, >> right. Let's go and part the competent sh.
>> Furthermore, your conversation is benile.
>> Only because I've only had myself to talk to all these years. Anyway, I never found my conversation boring. It's only since you. How about breaking off for a minute and greeting your guest?
>> Oh, George. Oh, George. It's an honor to have you.
>> Hello, George.
>> Oh. Oh my god. Mary, do you realize our son's wearing a dress?
>> Oh, don't worry, Dad. It's his disguise.
>> Well, what's he wearing that ridiculous neon donut on his head for? I mean, if he's supposed to be in disguise, that's a sure way to attract attention. It's my halo, Dad. Do you like it?
>> Oh, George, how wonderful. You haven't been cured. Make your father deaf again.
>> Don't you dare.
>> I wouldn't dream of it. Good. Can you put something over your head, George?
You're ruining the picture on television.
>> Well, I'll put the empty football over it. How's that? Oh, perfect.
>> Come and sit next to me, George, and tell me about you a day. Oh, you look rather deflated. It's >> only because I ate my oranges. Mom, >> do you want a cup of tea, darling?
>> No, in a minute. I'll just have a look at you all first.
>> Turn the television off, Ted. Show some respect.
>> Let's just watch the last of the epilogue. You get more laughs than even George gives us when he's on telly. Go on, turn up the sound.
>> Oh, turn it off. What do you want television, Vicas for? We've got a saint in our living room.
>> Don't keep calling George a saint. Mom, he's got enough problems. You can't be a saint until your dad in any case can be hanged >> and take this one big truth. The common denominator of all religions, no matter what name, different beliefs and different religions may apply. The belief in a supreme being.
Take this one big truth and speak it loudly.
I believe Good night.
Turn it off quick, Dad. Oh, it's so simple. Yay. I know the cure. I know the cure. I know the cure.
>> George, get control of yourself. This is a quiet residential area. I don't want a quarter of a million people on my front floor. Now, put the light on. Calm down, George. What is it?
>> Oh, don't you see? It's so easy. Ain't too bad at the front door. Are we expecting anybody?
>> Let me have a look. Oh, those nice secret servicemen are here and my hair is in a terrible mess.
>> What do you mean easy? Well, what's the opposite to one big truth?
>> One big lie.
>> Exactly. And for me, the biggest lie of all.
>> I don't understand.
>> You will. You will. Help me. Off with this fruit bow. Dad, put the light out again.
>> Right.
>> Should I let the secret service in, George? It's very rude to keep them waiting.
>> This won't take a minute.
>> Halo shining bright. Everyone paying attention?
>> Yes.
>> Yes. But come on, George. Your halo's good for a quick party drink, but it gets boring. I, George Thompson, hereby declare I believe I am no longer an atheist.
>> Oh, how marvelous. You've come to your senses, >> George. It's flickered. Do it again.
Louder.
>> I don't get it at all.
>> I, George Thompson, with all my heart, and so believe, there is a creator in heaven.
>> It's wavering, George. It's wavering.
Keep going. Keep going.
>> Oh, don't do anything, silly son. You make a lovely saint.
>> What's going on, George? You're starting to look LIKE A LIGHT.
>> ONE LAST BIG EFFORT, GEORGE.
>> DON'T do it, son. Now, don't do it. I, George Thompson, ex-aththeist and accidental saint, hereby declare, I believe in God.
>> SWITCH THE LIGHT. JOY, it worked.
>> I'm saved. The big lie work. I'm saved.
>> Hallelujah.
Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Hallelujah.
Hallelujah.
Hallelujah.
Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Hallelujah.
>> In what's stigmata, Peter Jeffrey played George and Norma Ronald Maria. Mr. and Mrs. Thompson were played by George A.
Cooper and Anne Jameson. The doctor Murray Watson, the policeman Jeffrey Seagull, the priest Sha Barrett, the TV vicar and the retreat organizer James Thomasson, the massers Valerie Murray, the BBC man Clifford Norgate, the woman at the health farm Joanna Wake, and the TV announcer Piers Burton Page. What's Stigmata was written by Wally K Dailyaly and produced and directed by Martin Jenkins.
Hallelujah.
Hallelujah.
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