Trump's "Very Simple" Iran War Plan | Forgetting Mother’s Day | Duffy's Road Show | The Alien Files

Added: 2026-05-12

[00:00:00]Welcome, welcome one and all to Late Show. I'm your host, Stephen Colbert.

[00:00:03]You know >> [cheering] >> Folks, I I I want you to know that things may look dark now.

[00:00:14]But it's important to remember that soon they will be different.

[00:00:21]You know what they say, it's always darkest before the different.

[00:00:25]>> [laughter] >> One thing that's not different is the war in Iran.

[00:00:29]That is very the same. Case in point, just last week. Last week, Trump sent Iran a one-page memo outlining his peace plan. And is this true? I'm being told we have obtained a copy of Trump's plan.

[00:00:41]Will you go to peace with me?

[00:00:44]Yes, no.

[00:00:45]>> [cheering] >> Yes.

[00:00:48]He also sent them one of these. He sent them one of those, friends.

[00:00:52]Pick that up. No, okay.

[00:00:54]Over the weekend, Iran countered Trump's proposal by demanding, among other things, war reparations by the US, full Iranian sovereignty over the Strait of Hormuz, an end to sanctions, and the release of seized Iranian assets.

[00:01:06]Obviously, Trump cast to reject that. He can't give them more than they had before we bombed them.

[00:01:14]Hey, buddy. Hey, buddy. You talking to my girl?

[00:01:18]You want to take this outside so I can give you her number or a list of her favorite restaurants?

[00:01:24]Oh, she's going to say she doesn't want fries, but then she's going to steal some of yours, and it's super cute.

[00:01:31]As for the future of their nuclear program, Iran said it was willing to suspend enrichment of uranium, but for a shorter period than the 20-year moratorium proposed by the US. And 20 years isn't even that long. I mean, Anne Hathaway looks exactly the same.

[00:01:47]And if anything, Meryl Streep, Stanley Tucci, and Emily Blunt are more radiant than ever.

[00:01:54]Today, Trump was asked why he rejected Iran's counterproposal, and he said "Few words, but so many times." It was just unacceptable.

[00:02:04]You know, a lot of people said, "Well, does he have a plan?" You have Of course I do. I have the best plan ever, but I have a plan. You know, it is a very simple plan. I don't know why you don't say it like it is. Iran cannot have a nuclear weapon. Very simple. Iran cannot have a nuclear weapon. It's a very simple plan. Iran cannot have a nuclear weapon, but very simply, uh when they say, "Does he have a plan?"

[00:02:28]Yeah, I have a plan. Plan is very simple. I have a great plan, but the plan is they they cannot have a nuclear weapon.

[00:02:36]Yes. Yes.

[00:02:38]He has such a simple plan. In fact, the only thing simpler than the plan is the man who has it. You should You should [cheering] >> [applause] [cheering] >> Don't know what we're doing.

[00:02:58]No, thank you very much. Uh >> [laughter] >> you Sometime you should check out his recipe for beef Wellington. Step one, have a recipe. Step two, is a very simple recipe. Step three, is the best recipe ever. Step four, make beef Wellington.

[00:03:15]Yesterday, >> [cheering and applause] >> Is it just yesterday? Is this just Monday?

[00:03:19]Today's just Monday.

[00:03:21]Yesterday, Trump spent Mother's Day sharing a bunch of reposted AI memes about just how great he is, including a picture of the last thing you see before being backed over in the Bass Pro Shop parking lot.

[00:03:33]He's not just spending his time reposturbating. He's also >> [applause and cheering] >> He's also engaging in some recreational idolatry, because last week Trump celebrated a new 22-foot golden statue of himself at his Miami golf club. Okay, surprisingly wrinkly.

[00:03:49]Looks like they forgot to steam out his pants, his shirt, and his face. And personally, I'd recommend adding a couple of handles to make it easier to pull down when we're liberated by the Canadians.

[00:04:02]The dedication The dedication was led by a MAGA pastor named Mark Burns who posted about it afterwards in a totally normal way saying, "Let me say this plainly, this is not a golden calf."

[00:04:17]A little suspicious to deny worshipping false idols before anyone accuses you of it.

[00:04:23]It's like going to Applebee's and the waiter saying, "Our specials tonight are the sirloin and the loaded baked potato.

[00:04:30]And as it says on my button here, our salad dressing is urine-free."

[00:04:40]The pastor The pastor >> [applause] >> Urine-free salad dressing is a people-pleaser, clearly.

[00:04:48]The pastor addressed the controversy saying, "A golden statue to yourself is absolutely normal." Well, of course he loved his statue. Who wouldn't love a statue of themselves? I mean, again, I again Michael Jordan loves a statue of himself. Allen Iverson loved the statue of himself. Shakira, the singer, loved the statue of herself. Oh, Shakira the singer.

[00:05:12]Thank you for clarifying. Otherwise, I would have thought you meant Shakira the gynecologist.

[00:05:17]>> [laughter] >> Hips don't lie.

[00:05:20]Now, scoot him down.

[00:05:23]>> [laughter] >> And the reviews are in because several pro golfers were asked about the statue and had these glowing statements. "It's his place. He can do whatever he wants."

[00:05:32]And "It's big and gold."

[00:05:36]Damn.

[00:05:37]As compliments go, that ranks up there with, "You got a haircut."

[00:05:41]>> [applause] >> Would you look at that? It is shorter.

[00:05:43]Did they use scissors?

[00:05:45]>> [laughter] >> Down in Washington D.C., madness reigns.

[00:05:51]But, someone who hasn't been spending a lot of time there is Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy, seen here seconds after finishing the last strand of spaghetti. Over the weekend Over the weekend, Duffy, who used to be on Real World and Road Rules, announced he just finished filming a return to reality TV with his family for the last 7 months. Well, it's better than him trying to run stuff.

[00:06:15]Maybe he'll inspire the rest of Trump's cabinet to neglect their own jobs.

[00:06:19]>> [applause] [cheering] >> Sure.

[00:06:23]Why not?

[00:06:24]>> [applause] >> Maybe he'll inspire the rest of Trump's cabinet to neglect their own jobs for reality shows like Let Nick or List Itch, You Will Never Be Loved Island, and the masked acting labor secretary Keith E. Sonderling.

[00:06:40]Duffy's reality show is called The Great American Road Trip. There's a trailer.

[00:06:47]What a beautiful family. Hi, guys. Can I say hi to Mr. President? Can I say hi to the President Trump?

[00:06:54]Take a little trip? Yes. Yes. A little trip all over.

[00:06:57]What? He does that all the time. What is He does that. What is What is this gesture? You guys going to check out those amber waves of grain you're talking about?

[00:07:07]>> [cheering] >> Don't forget the purple mountains majesty, you know.

[00:07:12]The grain, the hawk, and the and and don't forget the canyon. Now, Duffy Duffy had what What are you talking about?

[00:07:21]I'm not.

[00:07:23]Duffy had one request for his road trip.

[00:07:25]We need a song. [music] Like, you can't do a road trip without the song.

[00:07:29]Incorrect.

[00:07:32]You can't do a road trip without trying to pair the Bluetooth, failing, then accidentally connecting mom's phone, which is halfway through the horniest fantasy novel allowed by law.

[00:07:42]It's about a sorceress who meets a guy who's half duke, half horse, all penis.

[00:07:51]A throne of horse and penis, I think it's called.

[00:07:56]Duffy's wife went on the Fox & Friends to defend the show. I'm going to be really honest. We live in a Pornhub world. This is really wholesome, good family stuff. Incidentally, real good family stuff is one of the most popular categories on Pornhub.

[00:08:11]>> [cheering and applause] >> Friday.

[00:08:12]I don't know. I wouldn't even know. I wouldn't know. Not into that scene.

[00:08:16]Friday was a big day because the government finally released the secret files we've all been waiting for. 160 never-before-seen documents relating to unidentified anomalous phenomenon, which is also my pre-show warm-up.

[00:08:30]>> [laughter] >> Unidentified anomalous phenomenon.

[00:08:33]Unidentified anomalous phenomenon.

[00:08:35]Extraterrestrial rectal probe.

[00:08:37]Extraterrestrial rectal probe.

[00:08:42]>> [laughter] >> Also one of the most popular categories on Pornhub.

[00:08:48]Trump announced >> [applause] [cheering] [music] [applause] [cheering] >> It's fine.

[00:09:03]Uh Trump announced the release of the UFO files in a post saying, "The Department of War has released the first tranche of the UFO UAP files for the public for their review and study. With these new documents and videos, the people can decide for themselves what the hell is going on.

[00:09:21]Have fun and enjoy."

[00:09:23]>> [laughter] >> Yes.

[00:09:25]Trump is just giving the people the dots and the public can connect them however they want.

[00:09:31]>> [laughter] >> There you [cheering] go.

[00:09:34]There you go.

[00:09:39]>> [cheering] [applause and cheering] >> So, what's in these mysterious top secret super cool files? For example, during Apollo 12, one of the astronauts reported flashes of light. And we actually have Is this true? We actually have footage of the astronaut describing what they saw.

[00:10:04]>> [laughter] >> Thank you, Commander Dion.

[00:10:11]Something similar happened during the Apollo 17 mission when the crew said they saw very bright particles of light that were tumbling and rotating way out in the distance. And we also have footage of the crew member spotting those tumbling particles.

[00:10:32]>> [laughter] >> This even happened on the Apollo 11 moon mission where Buzz Aldrin reported saying little flashes inside the cabin.

[00:10:41]And I can't believe this, but we actually have This is footage of Buzz Aldrin describing those flashes.

[00:10:53]>> [laughter] >> We got a great show for you tonight.

[00:10:56]I'll be sitting down with my co-hosts from Strike Force 5.

[00:11:01]>> [music] >> Stick around.

[00:11:06]>> [music] [cheering]