Trauma Therapist Explains Why Resentment Builds in Relationships

[00:00:00]If we don't teach people how to love us well, and we don't speak that because we assume that they know what we need, we can get a little resentful. And sometimes it's as simple as saying, "This is what I need from you to feel like we have a mutual relationship. Can you do that for me?"

[00:00:14]>> And asking for our needs. I think that we assume that when people are in relationship with us that they know us so well that we don't need to. That is the problem. I mean, we do it in marriages all the time, friendships, even in families. Don't you know me by now? Right? Not the right question. Have I shown you who I am well enough that you can give me what I need to feel good in this relationship?

[00:00:31]>> Yeah, that's a good one. That's a good Say that again, please.

[00:00:35]>> Have I shown you who I am well enough that you know how to care for me the way that I need you to. Because sometimes we don't update. All relationships, we have to renegotiate the relationship contract as we change and grow. We don't do that, so we keep giving people what we think they liked, but if they don't tell us they don't like it anymore. And again, it goes back to, "How does it make me feel when someone does that?" Oh, I'm resentful. Well, why? What does it mean?

[00:00:57]We better go back and see what messages we're telling ourself about that. And can we very clearly say, "Did I tell them that this is what I need?" Or is that some of my old junk coming into [music] play that I need to clear out here?