DJ Fat Tony: The Truth About Addiction, Abuse & A-List Stars

[00:00:00]This episode contains discussions of abuse, sexual abuse, drug abuse, and addiction. Some listeners may find these topics distressing. Please take care while listening. Viewer discretion is advised.

[00:00:10]>> I went online like onto my Instagram live and just called her out.

[00:00:14]>> That's always interesting it >> you there's a reason you've been cancelled.

[00:00:18]>> You jumped straight into in the beginning into childhood trauma.

[00:00:21]>> Within 10 minutes of talking about it, I [music] was projectile vomiting.

[00:00:26]>> Jesus. I mean, you were expelled from school for sleeping with a teacher.

[00:00:29]>> [music] >> Yeah.

[00:00:29]>> I mean that is wild. At that time was that recognized as as a like you were being abused by cuz you were you >> absolutely not. I know a really good bush on the heath.

[00:00:39]>> So off we went to Hamster Heath.

[00:00:41]>> So you shagged in a bush and h shagged in a b boy George had come home early >> like you pulled out your own teeth.

[00:00:48]>> Yeah.

[00:00:48]>> What do you wanted to hear when you're in the depths of addiction?

[00:00:52]>> If someone asks you for help, right?

[00:00:54]They say to you, I can't do this anymore.

[00:00:56]>> Jump on.

[00:00:57]>> Is that your entry point? That's it. Do you know how much strength it takes for someone to tell you they've got a problem?

[00:01:03]>> The rooms of 12step fellowship saved my life >> beyond anything.

[00:01:10][music] >> Hi dolls. Welcome back to Olivia's house. Today I have got a very exciting guest. I've wanted [clears throat] you on for a while. It is one of the biggest DJs in the world with more stories than we could possibly fit into this one hour, but we'll give it a go. It's DJ Fat Tony. [cheering] >> Nice house.

[00:01:35]>> Well, Do you like my house?

[00:01:36]>> Yeah, I do like your house.

[00:01:37]>> I bet you've been in some clubous in your time, but you've [clears throat] seen a few members clubs.

[00:01:42]>> Some Yeah.

[00:01:43]>> Yeah. Some Some nicer than others.

[00:01:45]>> I've seen a lot of members as well.

[00:01:47][laughter] Right, Tony. Before we get into it, we have a little format here at Olivia's house where I ask my guests if there's something they'd like to leave at the door.

[00:01:57]>> Something that you're sick or bored of, a trend, a person. I'm excited to know what you want to leave at the door.

[00:02:04]>> Uh, it's simple for me right now.

[00:02:06]Clickbait.

[00:02:07]>> Clickbait.

[00:02:08]>> Clickbait. [ __ ] off. Clickbait.

[00:02:11]Seriously, you know, the way it's used, whatever you do in the world, right, they it will do a negative spin on any situation. You know, my god, >> I just put a book out about overcoming trauma. Yes. Right. And that learning how to overcome insanity.

[00:02:28]>> And yet the every interview I did, they managed to turn it into clickbait by using certain words. So that had nothing to do with that article or that book >> just to draw people in so they can get that one pound subscription. And it's like are you that desperate? I think obviously they are. But and then when you complain to any editor of a magazine or to a paper or to a TV program, >> oh you know I'm not doing it's clickbait. Oh well that's the world we live in. And it's like why are we living in that world? There's so much going on in this world right now that needs our attention. We do not need clickbait to draw us away from that attention.

[00:03:07]>> And it's so sad that it's true.

[00:03:09]Negativity does draw so many more eyes than positivity.

[00:03:12]>> 100%. I'd rather not do the interview.

[00:03:14]>> I know.

[00:03:15]>> I There was a TV program recently, which I will talk about. Yeah.

[00:03:18]>> Vanessa. [snorts] >> Vanessa, there's a reason it's been axed. And I told her on the phone as well. She rang me and she Yeah. She was crying on the phone and she was like, because I was I I was due to go on there. They booked us three months in advance, right, for the book.

[00:03:32]>> I was due to go on there due to clickbait, rage, uh what was going on about a certain story that uh was getting escalated and escalated because I refused to talk about it. They're like, "Well, we were we don't want you on unless you're going to talk about."

[00:03:48]And I was like, >> "Unbelievable."

[00:03:49]>> So, I was like, "You know what? I'm declining this now."

[00:03:52]>> Yes.

[00:03:52]>> Go [ __ ] yourself. And literally and then so I I literally did I I was raging. I was sitting at the cold bear in Stone Square. I wasn't really raging. I was just like, "Oh, I'd had enough." And I So I did I went on live like onto my Instagram live and just called her outing it.

[00:04:11]>> [ __ ] you. There's a reason you've been cancelled.

[00:04:13]>> So you were just a people to fill the dots. You were meant to be on this chat show with Vanessa to promote your book and they were like, "We want you to talk about this." I mean, anyone who doesn't ever do a rock, probably the very one of the most famous families in the country.

[00:04:24]>> Well, yeah, it was the Beckham. I refused the line on that otherwise they didn't want you and so I told him to where to get off and then so then Cla Sweeney gets involved.

[00:04:34]>> Oh jeez.

[00:04:35]>> She calls it beach.

[00:04:37]>> Vanessa's mortified.

[00:04:39]>> And I'm like why? And she's like [laughter] she didn't know anything about it. And I'm like hang on hang on hang on. If your name right is Vanessa the Vanessa show right your name is above that pub door. You're responsible for everyone in that pub drinking, everyone in that pub. That is your license. If you're not, what the [ __ ] are you doing? Do you go saying to her?

[00:05:00]And I She rang me crying and I said, "I'm sorry. I'm not taking the post down as how strongly I feel." She went, "It's kids doing it. It's got nothing to do with me." I said, "Your name is above the door.

[00:05:11]>> You should be checking in on what they're doing."

[00:05:12]>> Next time you get a TV show, if there is a next time, uh, [laughter] literally, do you see what I'm saying?

[00:05:19]Maybe take more care, more diligent care of your guests.

[00:05:23]>> Yeah. And how they're being produced before the show >> because I'm not going to be a part of it.

[00:05:27]>> No, agree. I mean, and then of course you do that and then you get 50 million bot messages, which is another thing I'd like to leave at the door of with people with no no posts and no followers, but got a lot to say, which is a bot, but like literally going, "But you went on there and you did this and you said a lot." And it's like, >> but also you >> block block block.

[00:05:50]>> You chose to talk about it at one point.

[00:05:52]You're allowed to silence talking about it. It doesn't mean you have to talk about it on every appearance the rest of your life.

[00:05:57]>> No, I'm right. If you Why would I write a book about overcoming trauma and how to overcome trauma >> by talking about someone else's trauma?

[00:06:04]>> Yeah. No. Okay.

[00:06:05]>> It makes no sense. I am I am not that person. I I you know, I wrote this book.

[00:06:11]It's nothing to do with anyone's wedding trauma or any other any other trauma.

[00:06:16]>> It's a bit more serious.

[00:06:18]>> It's about learned behavior. What we do as a child defines us as an adult and we we we go through life with these love and that was what the book was about and is about.

[00:06:27]>> Well, let's talk about the book. You had great success in your first book and this new book, Recover Me, a user's guide to overcoming insanity. I'm obsessed with the title. How do you differentiate this book from the first book? So the first book was about me.

[00:06:41]The first book was my life story. It was uh a very very very honest book. It was never meant biography.

[00:06:48]>> Yeah. It it was never meant to be that honest. Uh it was only as you know as you know with ADHD we we do something and then it's not right >> and we change it and change it and change it and then two and a half years down the line you've got the most truthful truthful account of anything on your hands.

[00:07:04]>> And then I handed it in. And then then the very next night, I woke up at 2:00 a.m. and literally it with fever, like freaking out. Get the book back. Get the book back. And I rang Mikey at 6:00 a.m.

[00:07:16]who I wrote that book with. I was like, I want the book back. And he was like, you can't talk. I then when I was like, right, I'm going to ring the publishers, rang Hannah Black, who was my publisher at the time. I said, I want the book back.

[00:07:26]>> And she was like, you can't have it back. It's an amazing book. And I said, I want it back.

[00:07:30]>> Because I was so scared of what people everything I wrote in that book. I really thought that I'd overcome.

[00:07:37]>> Yeah.

[00:07:37]>> And there was so much shame attached to every everything in that book that I really believed at that point in time >> uh where I was in life that I I it didn't bother me and I'd overcome it and I dealt with it. I'd dealt with any of it. Yeah.

[00:07:52]>> And by bringing it all to the surface and condensing it and doing an audio version of it >> and reading it all suddenly it's like >> that effect was like I had I had PTSD from the the audio book >> cuz you're reliving stuff that you probably had pushed so far back into your subconscious.

[00:08:08]>> 100%. You know when we wrote the abuse chapter in I don't take requests. I kept putting it off and putting it off and putting it off and every every week Mike go do you want to do that today? And oh no not today. I'm having a nice day today.

[00:08:19]>> Because it would ruin your day.

[00:08:20]>> Yeah. because I just didn't know how I was going to feel about it. And we started doing it and within 10 minutes of talking about it, I was projectile vomiting. I thought I had food poisoning.

[00:08:31]>> Jesus.

[00:08:32]>> Literally was like, "Oh my god, I've got food poisoning. We need to stop." It went on all day. I went to bed that night. I woke up with the worst feeling of fever. And he was in the room with me. I could smell him. The guy that abused me. I could smell it. I could see it was awful. Yes.

[00:08:48]>> And that was the effect that it had by bringing it up and that so you condensed that with every other story in that book. That was that. So this book is about overcoming the holds that those stories had on me.

[00:08:59]>> So you basically cuz in this in this second book you jump straight into in the beginning into childhood trauma and then you basically talk about it and at the end your therapist she then unpacks it in a certain way and gives people tools and like this is what happened to Tony and this is and kind of breaks it down in more. kind of tells you where my nervous system was reacting and where I was.

[00:09:19]>> Such an interesting way to do a book.

[00:09:21]>> When we come into into any form of recovery, right, whether it be alcohol abuse or drug abuse or anything, food, romance, oh, we there's so many forms of it of of to to we >> when you know when we make that change in life, we're in recovery. We we think that by putting down the problem is the be is the end of it. It's not. It's the beginning. and we and to go back and unravel that stuff because I was 15 years clean and sober and I was in the worst place I'd ever been once I'd finished writing that book. I was in the worst relationship I'd been in. I was in most darkest of times. My sex addiction had gone through the roof. I was actually >> You replaced that addiction with another addiction.

[00:10:05]>> Yeah. Because that that was my primary illness from the age of 10 when I was abused. sex become a way and a means for me to change and get what I wanted because I I had been groomed into that way of believing and you know when we're born and we make a noise to be picked up and a mother knows what noise that is we also make a noise when we [ __ ] ourselves we make a noise when we want to be fed and and then that suddenly becomes I want I need yes >> and when we do get I want I need that's a learned behavior that we will carry like the way I'm speaking now is I've learned to speak this way is a learned behavior So when you bring addiction or trauma in, we learn coping mechanisms.

[00:10:44]>> And for trauma for me, it was alcohol and drugs. And then when we go through life and also if you if you lie when you're a child, like you do something really bad, like setting my house on fire like I did whatever you had nothing to do with me, it wasn't me. And you get away with it. Yeah.

[00:11:00]>> You will lie forever, but you will always go revert back to that place because we got away with it. It served us.

[00:11:06]>> Yes. Yes.

[00:11:06]>> So, this book is about overcoming all of those learned behaviors bit by bit.

[00:11:10]>> That you just what you just said there so interesting because I've attracted I'm the opposite of a liar. I have verbal diarrhea, but I've attracted a few liars in my time. And I was talking to my therapist about why does someone cuz I find it really strange cuz I don't I feel like I can't lie. I wish I could lie. And she said at some point in his childhood, he would have told a lie like you said, it worked. He realized, oh my god, that's a ticket to escaping consequence. And then you just keep doing >> just keep doing And as we said before we started the podcast today, it's about stimulants. Like if we do coffee, it shuts us down. It makes us go inwards and it it any form of stimulant for someone with ADHD makes us go more into ourselves >> and and and so we so I I've learned very late on in life to drink coffee.

[00:11:54]>> Yeah.

[00:11:54]>> Right. And now I drink too much coffee and I go it's so into myself that I can't talk to people.

[00:11:59]>> How much coffee can you drink? are I well in the mornings I normally have like two two big iced black Americanos.

[00:12:06]So that's four shots. Then I'll have a third which is six shots. Yeah. Then then I as I always say to to Stavy, "Oh my god, you know, I'm sorry I've been all day because [laughter] I've had too much coffee and and Stavy's like, "Yeah, coffee." Yeah.

[00:12:19]>> Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[00:12:20]>> Yeah. Yeah. It's the coffee. But you know, >> a neurotypical person would have a heart attack if they drank that much coffee.

[00:12:26]They'd be like having a panic attack.

[00:12:27]>> No, it's the other way around.

[00:12:29]And it's like that's why when I go to places I'm going to do or I'm talking to people, I try not to have coffee cuz I go inwards and I get brain fog.

[00:12:36]>> You go a bit like dissociative.

[00:12:38]>> 100%. 100 can't remember. If I go out of here and I tried to get in a taxi, I I won't remember my address.

[00:12:46]>> Really?

[00:12:47]>> Just complet Yeah. That >> go me like completely blank.

[00:12:50]>> That's so interesting.

[00:12:51]>> It's mad, isn't You talk about so many things in the book and you just referenced some there. You know, from your childhood and watching your mother and father's relationship to being abused as a child at school. I mean, you were expelled from school for sleeping with a teacher.

[00:13:04]>> Yeah.

[00:13:04]>> That's I mean, that is wild. At that time, was that recognized as as a like you were being abused by cuz you were you?

[00:13:10]>> Absolutely not.

[00:13:11]>> Which is insane cuz that was an adult teacher >> who was sleeping with a child student and you were the one that was reprimanded.

[00:13:19]>> Yeah. He he lost his job as well. He lost his job.

[00:13:22]>> We both walked away from the situation.

[00:13:25]>> And you know that my mom had to deal with that cuz my dad didn't know >> cuz my dad would have like gone up the up the school and killed everyone.

[00:13:34]>> Yeah.

[00:13:34]>> So me and my mom had to deal with it. So I used to have to pretend to go to school.

[00:13:39]>> So that he didn't know you've been kicked out. Wow.

[00:13:42]>> And for what reason? Because I, you know, I was such a mixed up kid at that point in time. From the age of 10 to 14, I'd been abused for four years and groomed and led to believe that I was the problem, but also at the same time being led to believe that I'm the problem at school because I couldn't read and write properly because of my dyslexia. Because I didn't have an attention span to sit in class and learn to speak [ __ ] French, >> set a [ __ ] >> I didn't have that attention span. So therefore, I was a problematic child that they no longer wanted there. and to to feel that rejection not only from the school but from my abuser and from everything else being made to feel that I was worthless.

[00:14:24]>> Yeah. Well, as you know and anyone listening to this who's neurody diverent and wasn't diagnosed you know being told all the time sit still concentrate just it's so damaging to your self-esteem or hearing the sentences oh you can do it so much better you're a smart kid and you're like I know I'm smart I just don't know how to put it on paper. It's very damaging. And then did you feel like you see you know validation through a sexual life at a very young age?

[00:14:50]>> Because then when I as I very well documented in don't take requests that I used to leave school and go and seek sex because that's all I knew.

[00:15:00]>> That was the only way I knew how to change how I was feeling the only way to shut down what was going. Yeah. And it was like a false sense of being wanted.

[00:15:08]>> Being okay. Okay. You know what? You're not that stupid.

[00:15:12]>> Someone wants something from you. And that's where it went. And it's a really, you know, is really, it was a sad existence. And but it was a learned existence >> that carried on. And it would always go away when I met new friends or whatever, but it would always come back because it was untreated.

[00:15:28]>> What did life look like for you when you left school? What were those early years like?

[00:15:32]>> Oh, those early years were great because I suddenly discovered >> uh drama like in the sense of lights and entertainment. I I ended up in King's Road. Yeah.

[00:15:44]>> in on the Kings Road which was like social media. Everyone went to Kings Road on Saturday to be photographed.

[00:15:50]>> It was like the coolest place.

[00:15:51]>> Yeah, it was. And I was right in the middle of it all. And then I was going out clubbing and you know I I I was introduced to the bright lights of the West End as such and all the coolest clubs in the world. And it it it was like I felt that I had a purpose.

[00:16:07]>> What was the buzz on the Kings Road like at that time in that area? incredible because it was just it was it was postpunk.

[00:16:13]>> Yeah.

[00:16:13]>> It was new romantic. There was people were still dressing up and wanting to be seen. It was a everyone had their own platform.

[00:16:23]>> Yeah.

[00:16:23]>> So you you had to do something to be to be recognized to be seen. So you know you had your Pete Burns and your Georgees and all of these people walking up and down the King's Road and the straight everybody who is in that industry was walking up and down there.

[00:16:37]Then you had all the young creatives that were up there taking photos and and that's where ID came from. The magazine and the face and all of these incredible >> outlets of style and fashion came from that one street.

[00:16:53]>> Yeah. Before it became quite Sloony and quite sanitized and like it's it's just a different world now, isn't it?

[00:16:59]>> Oh, it's you know what? I live right by it and I walk up there all the time and it's got no magic.

[00:17:03]>> No.

[00:17:04]>> I mean at Christmas it's vanilla, isn't it?

[00:17:06]>> Yeah, it is. at Christmas you got I mean listen the magic of Kings Road right now is there's the Whole Foods >> you know what I mean that's like oh my god >> I love Whole Foods but and also you know then >> Peter Jones >> yeah Peter [laughter] Jones >> and old Pavilion Pavilion Road as well >> and Ralph Laur and pop at Christmas >> you know what I mean yeah it's like it's the magic Chelsea and Bloom so different oh once a year we can go down but it's like that's the magic of it that's all gone it's all been it's been the life and soul of it has been such It's like Soho. It's all been sucked out and we've been injected with things that we're meant to believe are cool and they're not.

[00:17:42]>> Yeah. During those times is when you met boy George, my best friend of yours. Do you know that I was in the jungle with him for like 4 days? So I was in the jungle in what year did I go in guys? I can't [ __ ] remember.

[00:17:55]>> Two years ago. Three years ago.

[00:17:57]>> Yeah. Three years ago. And I was only in there four days. They kicked me out because of ill health. Long boring story. But me and George were on a they dumped us on a less deserted island for the first two days. We hit off straight away cuz he's just so funny. He's so funny. And he ripped up all his um camp uniform and made they told him do not touch your camp. And he but literally in the night I heard this like shredding. I thought my god it getting attacked by hiding >> cuz he made all that spotty stuff.

[00:18:21]>> Yeah. He started making all this stuff out of his camp. I was talking to him last night actually cuz he posted on he posted on X >> and this is my last ever post. So >> So I I facetimed him. I was like, "Come on, what's going on?" And he was like looked at started laughing. I said, "What what what's going on?" He went, "I've been arguing with Grock for three days." [laughter] >> Wait, talk to him about Grock cuz I I don't do X or >> And now I realize I've been arguing with Elon Musk. I'm like, >> a an AI.

[00:18:55]>> Look, it's AI at its worst, right? So AI I I I I think AI if we if it's embraced and used in the right way, it's incredible.

[00:19:03]>> Agree.

[00:19:04]>> Listen, as a as a DJ, >> right, who played vinyl, who learned to play on vinyl, and suddenly CDs come in.

[00:19:11]Oh my god, we it's going to kill the industry.

[00:19:13]>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:19:14]>> We got rid of CDs. We got rid of physical music. Stuff that we could touch and smell went right. We lost that magic and now we're we're with WS and we're with USB sticks and now they're get trying to phase that out and it's going to be Wi-Fi and oh, you know, but embrace change.

[00:19:30]>> Move with it.

[00:19:31]>> You got to because it's not don't start like, you know, body shame shaming it.

[00:19:36]It's like, oh my god, it's disgusting.

[00:19:38]It's being used for this and being used for that. Everything [snorts] gets used in the wrong way in this world. I.e. clickbait, i.e. you know, bots on on just don't buy into that side of it. And I I said to George yesterday, "What are you doing arguing with argue with Grock?" He was like, "I can't help it."

[00:19:56]>> Is it true that um Boy George gave you your nickn your name, Fat Tony?

[00:20:00]>> No, that's a lie.

[00:20:01]>> Is it a lie?

[00:20:01]>> No. I mean, look, he uh he he might have he might have been calling me behind my back cuz that's where it came from.

[00:20:08]People used to go, "Oh, which Tony did you get?" "Oh, fat Tony." I was fat Tony. I was a fat kid. And then I got to after because I was fat because I was protecting myself. I didn't want anyone ever to come near me again. So I become fat. It was like a castle wall.

[00:20:21]>> That's so interesting.

[00:20:22]>> And then once as I I kind of left school, well that era of my life and moved on.

[00:20:29]>> So I got to 16 and I just thought, you know what, I don't need to be hiding anymore. Do you know what I mean? And I kind of lost all that weight really quickly because it was like I suddenly just thought I I just don't need to be that victim anymore.

[00:20:43]>> Yeah.

[00:20:44]>> But then you kind of adopt >> become a victim of everything else.

[00:20:47]Yeah. [laughter] >> But you adopted that name and had it as your DJ name. So you into the fact that that's what people were calling you.

[00:20:54]>> Own it.

[00:20:54]>> Own it.

[00:20:55]>> Yeah. It's like if they're going to call me it, I'll call myself it. Do you know what I mean?

[00:20:58]>> What are your earliest memories about kind of breaking into the DJ scene? But do you remember your first like proper gig?

[00:21:05]>> Yeah, my first gig was at the lysum where the Lion King is now in the Strand and it was uh I'd complained every week about the music at this club that Rusty Eaggan and Steve Strange were running and uh every week I'd go I because they gave me a job working on the door. Okay.

[00:21:20]And I was giving out free tickets to everyone and basically building up my own platform >> because I'd sign every ticket and it be oh fat Tony go. So they'd all come in and every week I would just make up rubbish. Like the rest would be like how was it tonight? Everyone left really early. They didn't like the music. There was this amazing DJ called Ian Dust who at the time was one of the greatest DJs in in the world. He was like DMC challenge uh expert and like you know like it was Yeah. And I I for some reason >> but you tried to make an opening for yourself >> and I was like yeah everyone hates Ian's music so that they literally just said if you can do better why don't you do it and that that was it. I turned up but the difference then was I had >> How did you learn to DJ? Who actually I didn't >> Do you just taught yourself?

[00:22:12]>> Yeah. I just literally played music >> and then >> I literally went there and played the the songs that I loved.

[00:22:19]>> It's so different to how it is now then when they say everything's changed.

[00:22:22]>> Well, it is but also I still play the songs that I love.

[00:22:25]>> You still play the songs you love, but in a different way.

[00:22:26]>> In a different way. And and and I I I now love what I do.

[00:22:32]>> Yeah.

[00:22:33]>> And there's a real difference in that.

[00:22:34]Do you know what I mean? Then >> well then it was like a a ways and a means for me to be a part of that club and be seen >> and you like all I'm I'm a cuckoo so if you bring me in for one one gig I'm going to have 28 gigs on the back of it.

[00:22:48]>> Yeah.

[00:22:49]>> Cuz I will manipulate that situation >> and you're in.

[00:22:52]>> Yeah. And I'm in.

[00:22:53]>> You write in your book I'm excited or just [ __ ] scared so I pretend I become the biggest loudest person. And when you're an addict, you have such a [ __ ] up distorted view of yourself that the ego speaks first and the ego speaks loud. Is that how you so inside you were feeling like sort of um nervous maybe or unsure or never or did or was the ego louder?

[00:23:16]>> No, the the ego was I always I I I still am insecure in so many ways. I will still have so much uh anxiety around every gig, whether it be three people in a room or 4,000 or 20,000 or whatever. It >> never shows.

[00:23:35]>> I will I will have that anxiety. I will be on a plane and I'll be sitting at the front, not down the back by the bugs anymore and I will still feel less than.

[00:23:44]>> I have imposter syndrome.

[00:23:46]>> I've always had it. And when you grow up and all of your friends have suddenly become the biggest pop stars on the planet and all of your friends become editors of magazines and supermodels and everything else and you're just Tony, >> you're someone's friend, right? That that plays on that havoc. So, as with addiction and and going through life, I never ever wanted anyone ever to love me. So I always had uh a limit of where what I would do.

[00:24:17]>> So and anything beyond that was to like almost going into outer space. So I'd go to the atmosphere and I would stay there. And for me that imposter syndrome was a cap on my life because I didn't believe that I could be anything bigger and better. I always felt second best.

[00:24:34]And and because I went through life wanting to be liked and never to be loved because I didn't know what love was. And that's sounds really pitiful and sad, but it's true.

[00:24:43]>> Until now, >> you know, being liked was enough. So, so everything I had in my life was enough except for drugs and alcohol.

[00:24:52]>> And around that time is when you started heavily drinking, isn't it? And then heavily drinking led you to try cocaine.

[00:24:58]>> Yeah. To stay up longer.

[00:24:59]>> So the two things would kind of come hand in hand. You get wasted then people need you to be awake so you try cocaine.

[00:25:05]And is that when the sort of drug use just kind of spiraled from that point?

[00:25:10]>> No, I think that that it there was definitely a pacer in the sense of >> So was there a period of time where you had like control over it? Aka, >> of course, [clears throat] >> I always believed I had control over it even when I was a complete crystal meth uh like you know junkie with no teeth. I still thought I was in control really >> to a certain level.

[00:25:30]>> I could stop this if I wanted to. I have no intention.

[00:25:32]>> It's like a lie you tell yourself.

[00:25:33]>> Of course it is. We we live, you know, it's it's a a full self sense of of being. You know, I couldn't survive without that stuff. I needed I needed drugs to do the job that I did.

[00:25:45]>> And that was >> blah blah blah. Who would I be without without drinking? Who would I be without taking drugs?

[00:25:51]>> I, you know, early on there was a DJ that was sober >> and and I used to be like, how can she be a DJ if she's sober?

[00:26:00]>> Yeah.

[00:26:00]>> She can't feel what everyone else is feeling. But I even believe that >> when I've just been in IBA and I'm not sober and I know a lot of DJs and majority of them drink and you know do whatever cuz I think it must be very hard that lifestyle. It it must be >> it's only as hard as you make it, right?

[00:26:19]I mean for me I'm I'm going to be 20 years in January and and you know my life is so incredible because of the things I don't do, >> right? Um, and drinking would destroy everything I have.

[00:26:34]>> Yeah.

[00:26:34]>> And I'm not ready to throw anything away. I've just got it.

[00:26:38]>> Yeah. Do >> you know what I mean? I've just really got it. I've got it. I'm married. I I'm in the best place I've ever been. I'm the most happiest I've ever been. I've ever been, but I'm still the youngest I've ever been.

[00:26:51]>> What you talked about that your when you lost your teeth. I mean, that that is like a harrowing thing to read. like you pulled out your own teeth.

[00:26:59]>> Yeah.

[00:26:59]>> Like for anyone to hear that is is actually it's so it's so far from a reality or that anyone could possibly imagine.

[00:27:09]>> Well, you know, I I bite my mouth, right? And so my fingers are always in my mouth >> and you bring in a stimulant of some sort that's going to keep you awake for three days. You're you're constantly, you know, a bag of nerves, but my fingers are in my mouth constantly.

[00:27:22]Also, when you don't drink out water for 28 years, you get dehydrated. My gums had receded and I started my drug of choices changed so drastically.

[00:27:33]>> Okay.

[00:27:33]>> Right. And the the substances I was taking got a lot more severe. And when you start to smoke drugs, >> right?

[00:27:41]>> Right. It's the first thing that gets affected is your gums and you get infection. So then you sit and dig at them and then the finger wasn't doing it. So I'd pick up bit of stick and I start digging it and because you know also at the time my face was always numb and and >> you couldn't feel it. [clears throat] >> No. And and I just wanted them out of my mouth and I had I was so mentally unwell >> that I thought it was normal. I would see it rocking backwards and forwards to stabilize myself.

[00:28:12]>> And what was the reaction from people around you who knew you and they saw you and you were losing your teeth? All the good people had gone.

[00:28:19]>> As we go down, you know, I explained it in in in requests where the the faster we go down, the more quicker those people hit the wall and go out and you're left at the bottom with the carcasses and the sewage and the rats and all the bottom feeders. They're all at the bottom of that spiral and they're not but they're they're all right.

[00:28:39]They're your mates.

[00:28:40]>> They want the best for you.

[00:28:42]>> We're all in it together >> and you're all telling each other it's normal.

[00:28:44]>> Yeah. You had talked about in your book about you were outside hospital with a drip in your arm and someone passed you that you knew who you used to party with and she handed you a white key ring.

[00:28:55]>> A key ring for narcotics anonymous >> for narcotics anonymous. Yeah. Julie her name is it still is her name. She uh I was outside the hospital. It's like 11:30 at night. Uh I've been in a coma.

[00:29:07]I've been like I'd gone through the mill.

[00:29:09]>> Yeah. Yeah. And I was out in the street in a gown with the drip stand, standing there waiting for a dealer to come along. [clears throat] And I'd called him and he just he said, "Yeah, I'm coming." An hour went by and he hadn't come and I was outside the hospital. And along comes Julie. And I used to party with Julie. We used to do all the acid house clubs together. And we used to go out for days. And Julie, incredible woman. incredible energy, incredible light. And she walked along and I thought, "Thank you, God."

[00:29:44]>> She's gonna get >> Thank you, God. [clears throat] >> And I was like, "All right, Julie, what you got in your bag?" Yeah.

[00:29:48]>> And she was like, "Well, I she told me what's going on." And I was like, "You're right. Have you got anything?

[00:29:53]Have you got anything in your bag?" And she was just looking at me. She's like, "What's going on? Are you okay?" And I was like, "Yeah, I'm fine, but have you got anything?" And she went in her bag and she handed me a white key ring.

[00:30:03]>> And I looked here and I remember thinking, "What the [ __ ] is this piece of shit?" And literally, but you know what? Something magical happened at that point because I held on to it.

[00:30:12]>> Yeah.

[00:30:12]>> And I went back in just tossing it.

[00:30:14]>> Yeah. And I held on to it. And you know, I it didn't change my life. It didn't change anything. It was a bit of plastic. But the sentiment of her handing me that >> and saying to me, you don't need to do this.

[00:30:27]>> Kind of lingered around because we're talking about it now. So the fact that we're still talking about >> curious moment in your life >> in over 25 years ago, >> what were those first meetings like?

[00:30:37]What was your mindset going into them?

[00:30:39]Were you skeptical?

[00:30:40]>> God's waiting room. I used to sit there and think, I don't belong here.

[00:30:43]>> Like these people have >> I'd look around the room at all their shoes first of all, [laughter] their shoes, they're fake handbags. Then I'd look at all the men's crutches >> and then I literally, you know, and then I'd be like, "No, these." And I remember going to my first meeting with my friend Michael who used to come I used to be at the egg king in King's Cross and the Cross and they used to come there and they I used to be like, "Oh god, the Bible bashers are here." [laughter] Cuz they used to come in and they go, "Let us take you to a meeting." And I'd be like, "I don't need meetings."

[00:31:14]>> Yeah.

[00:31:14]>> I look like the mummy from the Mummy film. I was so emaciated. And they were like, "Let's take you to a meeting." And I'll be like, "Go away. You're like Mormons." It was like I felt like you kept ringing my doorbell sort of like telling me about the watchtowwer, you know? It was like one of those situations. I was like, I do not need God in my life. Look at the state of me.

[00:31:32]Just leave me alone.

[00:31:33]>> Yeah.

[00:31:33]>> And he took so at some point I'd been kicked out of my house for being me. And and my partner was like, "You're not you're not coming back here until you sort yourself out." And I so it was one of those moments that I was like Michael I really need to go to a meeting to be seen to be doing something >> to look like you're trying to fix it to be >> and I went with his sister my ex partner's sister and we went to this meeting and it was in Duncan Terrace in elephant in um in Angel just off of uh just behind Angel Station and I go I remember sitting there and at the time I thought there was no roof on the church.

[00:32:11]It was a cauldron. Everyone was rose tight, like warming their hands on it.

[00:32:14]It was like a homeless shell. It was like a New York subway homeless shell.

[00:32:18]That's how I it was in my head. And I remember leaving the meeting, standing outside thinking, "Come on, let's get out of here." And his sister was talking to everyone. And I was standing there like, >> "Oh my god, yeah.

[00:32:30]>> Can we just go?" And Michael come up and went, "What did you think?" And I was like thinking, "Fuck off, you freaks." And and he went powerful, right? Yeah.

[00:32:41]Powerful. And I was just like, >> yeah.

[00:32:44]>> Yeah.

[00:32:45]>> Literally. And I just walked off. And it took me about two years, three years to actually get back to that point again.

[00:32:50]>> And what was the what did group sessions ever help you? What was the thing that you finally felt like >> I wouldn't be here now without going to those meetings >> and without being in early recovery and finding out which direction I needed to go into the rooms of 12step fellowship saved my life >> beyond anything. That that program has saved my life. That program's allowed me to see who I am and for what I am and what reason I I I do what I do. M >> but you know it's it it's uh it's not you know the the longer you stay around the more gets revealed as they say but for me um I think that I I I I I choose my meetings wisely these days.

[00:33:39]>> Okay.

[00:33:40]>> Because for me I don't need to buy into the whole drama of everyone else's drama >> as in the like the story.

[00:33:47]>> Yeah. cuz I I I'm as I say I'm coming to 20 years. I stepped back from me. So look, I talk about it in the book. My the my my therapist at that time, >> this is quite controversial for people that are in the rooms. I was going >> to early morning meetings and [clears throat] then I was going for therapy and I'd be raging, I mean raging >> off the back of the meeting.

[00:34:10]>> Yeah. Like, oh my god, they I'm so over that listening to him say that every morning. I don't care about your daughter's GSEs. I'm in here for the raging. And then you put me in the back of a taxi going across town and suddenly it's like city can't. Yeah. And go raging. And I'd be late for my sessions every time, which I was paying a lot of money for. And uh I' I'd go in and she'd be like, "How are you? What scale are you? Where are you at?" And I'd be like, "I'm [ __ ] ready." And like going on and it would take 20 minutes for me to calm down.

[00:34:42]>> Why are we so angry? because I would take on everybody else's problems. I would take on that that I I I I got to a point in my recovery where I was so uh uneasy with myself and I was there for just to listen to other people's stories to take the pressure off of what was going on in my own head. So by that point, so anyway, I got to to see the therapist and Tara said, >> "Can I ask you a question?"

[00:35:09]>> And you write the book with Tara.

[00:35:10]>> Yeah, I write the book. She does. She's a trauma therapist. She wrote so she said to me, "What um how cleanly uh when did you last have a drink?" And I was like, "You know, I've said 15 years ago." And she went, "What about drugs?"

[00:35:23]I'm just saying 15 years ago. And she went, "Okay." And then she went, "Can I ask you a question?" I said, "Yeah." Why are you still going to meetings? And I was like, "What? Cuz I need to cuz I need to be clean. Why? I mean obviously you you you know you're not in recovery.

[00:35:38]I was you'd understand why I still go to meetings." She was she I said why would you ask me that?

[00:35:45]>> I said she me stupid question and she went well I can see six major problems right now here going on but yet you're still dealing with the one that you haven't done for 15 years.

[00:35:58]>> Wow.

[00:35:59]>> And I was like and I thought stupid [ __ ] You know what I mean? I literally left. I thought what stupid cow. Why would you say that to me? She's only saying that so I keep coming and all this. Anyway, it dawned on me, you know, and slowly over a course of a couple of weeks, it it dawned on me that I was living in the problem >> and that my ego had allowed me to stay still.

[00:36:24]>> Yeah.

[00:36:24]>> Because I was making myself the face of it was all anyone who son or daughter or friend got had an addict problem, they would call Tony. I had a purpose. I built myself a career, an unpaid career, but I built myself the face of it and and it no longer served me. I was everyone was getting their needs met except for Tony.

[00:36:47]>> So, she was like, "Let's move the doll.

[00:36:49]Let's move on to the next chapter. Let's take this."

[00:36:52]>> Yeah. 100%.

[00:36:53]>> Let's unpack the other say, "Stop going to meet." What it was was the fact that I needed to step back from living in ego >> and ego comes from a place of fear >> because I was too scared to move forward. So you just stayed in that one spot that you'd become comfortable with.

[00:37:08]>> Yeah. I was opening rehabs. I was doing this and doing that. It was all in >> it became your identity.

[00:37:12]>> Yeah.

[00:37:13]>> Then it wasn't me because I didn't have an identity. I didn't know who I was.

[00:37:17]>> What advice would you give to anyone who's right now? What would you what would you wanted to hear when you're in the depths of of addiction?

[00:37:26]>> I I think that if you've got a friend or a family member or you there's someone that you love, you don't need to love them to want to help them. It could be anyone. If someone asks you for help, right, they say to you, "I can't do this anymore."

[00:37:39]>> Jump on them.

[00:37:41]>> Jump on them.

[00:37:42]>> That's your entry point.

[00:37:43]>> That's That's it. That's that. Do you know how much strength it takes for someone to tell you they've got a problem >> and mean it, right?

[00:37:51]>> And that's your in.

[00:37:52]>> That's your in. Don't ever ignore that phone call. Don't ever ignore that text.

[00:37:57]If you get that text, even if it's 3:00 a.m., reply to that text at 6:00 a.m. or whatever. just reply to you. They might not pick up.

[00:38:06]>> It might take them another year for them to get back to that point. But you know that is your in. Never ever dismiss someone asking for help because it takes such great courage.

[00:38:16]And courage isn't something addicts have especially when they're that far gone.

[00:38:21]It's not. Do you know what I mean?

[00:38:23]Courage comes after. And just jump on it. And I just think don't judge people.

[00:38:29]>> Do not be the the judgy one. It's like, "Oh, look at the state of you. That's never going to work cuz that what that does is that reverts us into a place of hiding >> and then we we go off and and you know secrets kill when something becomes secretive because we don't want you to judge us. That's when we that's when all hell breaks.

[00:38:47]>> Do you think by holding a mirror to someone and trying to shame them being look at the way you look where you're living is going to maybe kick up their ass? But the opposite might happen. I had no teeth and I I had one pair of trainers I'd stole from someone's house and I stank. Like I mean I stank, right?

[00:39:04]And people would say, "Oh my god, Tony, look at you." And I'd be like, "Do you know how much it costs to look like this?"

[00:39:09]>> Yeah.

[00:39:09]>> Do you know how much money I spent looking like this? Don't come around here thinking that you can be clever with me. I had an answer for everything like we always do >> because you know the ego I was I was running on I was running on empty. I was physically, mentally, emotionally bankrupt.

[00:39:28]>> Is it true that you think you estimate you spent around a million pounds probably?

[00:39:32]>> You know that that tagline.

[00:39:34]>> Oh, is that is that a clickbait?

[00:39:35]>> No, no, no. Well, it is and it isn't because I did actually say it and they said, "How much you?" But this is a Well, I did this mix thing like six, seven years ago. And in it, I said, "Oh, you know, I've spent way over a million pound easily when because when you're in rehab, you got a lot of time on your hands to work things out."

[00:39:52]>> Yeah. And I was sitting there adding things up for like you know uh who knows >> cuz what could you spend a week on drugs like what >> everything >> like [laughter] anything everything that came in went out >> everything [clears throat] everything that came in. So, I would work. I would I was still getting paid really good money and I would go work and I would be out I'd go to work on a Thursday or a Friday and I'd come home on a Tuesday or a Wednesday.

[00:40:22]But, you know, completely um my brain was shot. I didn't know. It took me like a day to get home sometimes >> cuz you just didn't know where the [ __ ] you were, what you're doing. also didn't have the courage to walk and wanted it to be dark or >> my whole body achd and >> it was you know but those things of like saying oh spend a million pound they're not badges of honor >> they're not >> they're the opposite end there's nothing glamorous about spending that kind of money there's nothing glamorous about taking that amount of drugs there's nothing to be proud of >> except for being alive now that the change and finding that change that's what I'm proud I'm not proud of the things that I've done and that, you know, I I don't say those things because I want you all to think, "Oh, he's a super what a villain." You know, uh it's that's not what I want to do in life.

[00:41:15]>> It's not like I guess that people It's not rock and roll. It's just it's actually like you say, you were sick.

[00:41:22]>> Yeah. Really sick.

[00:41:23]>> What's your relationship like with your health and your body now? Is it is it like you want to basically you probably feel like you want to give it love after punishing it for so long?

[00:41:33]I I'm just, you know, I come on out of it so relatively unscathed >> in the sense of my liver function, >> everything, you know, I I I bounced back >> very well. I mean, don't get me wrong, I've got like certain things that I can't change that along the way that have happened to me, like the HIV for instance and stuff like that. But what I can do, right, is make sure I'm on top of all that stuff. I don't have HIV in my system.

[00:42:02]>> No.

[00:42:03]>> I have an injection every 3 months. I can't I haven't been able to transmit anything, right? For over 20 years.

[00:42:10]>> It's incredible, isn't it? And you must have lost a lot of friends.

[00:42:13]>> I lost so many friends >> to HIV.

[00:42:14]>> I lost I lost real friends.

[00:42:16]>> Yeah.

[00:42:17]>> Not just acquaintances. I lost real friends >> almost beyond >> because they didn't have access to those drugs or because they weren't diagnosed or >> No. And the and the the thing about it was was we in like 95 and then beyond all of that like onwards you could go and get testings.

[00:42:38]>> Yes.

[00:42:38]>> Same day testings in like little drop like little pop-up places that opened in the gay areas.

[00:42:44]>> And they they they'd say same day. They weren't they you'd have to go back two days later to get your test. But so it was really like anytime you got a cold or you felt ill, you're like, "Oh my god, >> I've got it.

[00:42:56]>> I've got it." And and or you find a little blemish on your leg, you thought you had like skin cancer. It was just insane times. This is exactly the same as COVID.

[00:43:05]>> Not exactly the same obviously, but the same the way we treated it was like, "Oh my god, I've got a cold. I can't travel.

[00:43:10]>> Let me and we did a test. All right, I'm fine now. The cold's gone."

[00:43:14]>> And off we troted again. And and that was it. I wasn't diagnosed until 2002.

[00:43:19]And I that's when I contracted it. And I I truly believed that [sighs and gasps] up until that point I'd lost so many of my friends and so much of my circle >> and so many people that I really loved >> and that and and this world still mourns them now.

[00:43:35]>> Yeah.

[00:43:35]>> You know, there's not a day that goes by that I don't think of them. And that's because of social media. There's platforms on social media like uh you know the the AIDS for the AIDS forum which is [ __ ] incredible. It just it remembers people. It brings them people write stories about people that they lost. It's the AIDS memorial. It's it's an incredible website to follow because every day someone's son and they write these incredible stories. It's not all about famous people, you know, Keith Herring, he's always on there and like like people writing stuff about people that they loved. I mean one of my dad's very close university friends died from AIDS and you know and at that time you know the pain that it caused you know their family and their friends but also is the isolation that the you know the misinformation around how it's contracted and a lot of these people died alone in hospitals people didn't visit them because they thought by sitting by the bedside I mean it's so unbelievably tragic that this generation probably don't even know how horrific it was >> they don't and I think you know the more my generation gets older and and and talkers about stuff and the more >> the less shame that we have around it [clears throat] cuz up until I I don't take requests >> came out, I really never talked about it.

[00:44:52]>> Yeah.

[00:44:52]>> Cuz I didn't feel the need about it. I used to think if I tell someone I had cancer back then, it would have been easier than telling people that that that now and >> because that was acceptable. And you know what? AIDS, HIV is is is yes, it's contractable, but you know what? It's no one's fault. It's >> you know, there was the times that we lived in and it's the times we live in now. People are still being diagnosed around the world. And yes, they have had breakthroughs in cures and how we treat it. You know, I'm not going to die early.

[00:45:25]>> No.

[00:45:25]>> You know, at one point there was an age expectancy of like 36 to [snorts] 45 >> cuz there was nothing. Do you know what I mean?

[00:45:32]>> Yeah. And now it's like, you know, I have no diff. I'm no different to anyone else. No, >> I'll probably outlive everyone.

[00:45:40]>> You probably were one of those people that will see 110.

[00:45:43]>> As my friend Mike, who I wrote the book with, said, there'll be two people left in this world. It will be you and Fran Cutler [laughter] and you'll be the only survivors of everything cuz you'll outlive everyone.

[00:45:55]>> And then there'll be the vegan that does yoga seven times a week, that's never touched anything that will get hit by a bus. Oh, you know, [laughter] because they're thinking about their new yoga mat. Yeah. No, >> on their way to Whole Foods.

[00:46:08]>> Yeah. On the way to Whole Foods to get their matcher. [clears throat] >> Um, you re you rebuilt your DJ career in a sober life and Kate Moss helped you with that. Well, >> it goes the other way around because me and Kate started DJing together. Um, >> and it was like a job came up at Annabelle's and they asked Kate to do play music and Kate was like, I can't do that. Will you do it with me? that. So that's how we started. Me and her got did this thing called Fat Moss.

[00:46:33]>> But I I'd literally been rebuilding my career bit by bit like one foot in front of the other >> cuz I had to find out what I wanted. I didn't know if I wanted to still DJ >> and and and being around those environments and people that are around you have [ __ ] up and they're off their face and you're living a sober life.

[00:46:51]>> I think when you get to the point where you realize those people being around you that are [ __ ] up and drinking aren't the problem. No, >> you're the problem. I'm the problem.

[00:46:59]They've got nothing to do with it. They can be doing I can I now go to work in and travel. I'm I'm traveling three, four times a week around the world.

[00:47:09]Places I go.

[00:47:11]>> Whatever people are on, as far as I'm concerned, they're on music.

[00:47:15]>> That's all I care about.

[00:47:17]>> I was going to say, do you ever feel >> that energy that I get back from them?

[00:47:20]When you see people who are really [ __ ] up, do you ever think does it ever make you feel like sad for them or do you think they might be having the best time of their life in that moment?

[00:47:28]>> I don't ever feel sad for them at all. I I I feel sad for for homeless people and and people that have got no hold of them.

[00:47:38]>> Totally. And I can see that and I can see that journey within their eyes. And and for me, the greatest gift in life is to help someone get that glint of life back in their eyes. I I you know someone comes to me and asks me for help I've got lots of people that I work with like that I call it work it's not work but you know that I sponsor and I take through the steps mentor I yeah and I mentor them in other ways as well and >> for me watching them get that watching them have nothing I mean I've had people to be sent to my front door and I've opened the front door and I'm like [ __ ] yeah hell I put [laughter] them in my phone as psycho right like Tom psycho I talk about him in a book and Now they own their own houses. Yeah.

[00:48:19]>> They had the best jobs in the world.

[00:48:21]They had the best life. They that just to see that growth.

[00:48:26]>> Look, my hair's still on. Cuz that is what it's all about.

[00:48:29]>> Yeah.

[00:48:29]>> That is what it's all about.

[00:48:30]>> Like bringing someone back from the brink of death basically.

[00:48:33]>> Just you know that I I can't bring anyone back from anywhere. But what I can do is lead by example.

[00:48:40]>> And I can show them a new way of how to live that life. only by my own examples and by my own >> by my own realization of everything I've done myself. So I have hypocrite on one hand and I have arrogant on the other for a reason because I would tell you not to do don't do this, don't do that whilst doing it myself. That's the hypocrite hand. And then I have that's the hand. This is the hand I tell people to [ __ ] off with. [laughter] This is the arrogant. I'm like just go away. I'm not doing this with you. But they were they're there for a reason. And it's like, you know, to help to to give what I was given >> free of charge by people, which is led to love >> is a remarkable thing cuz I, you know, when someone comes to me and they want help, all I want for them is the best.

[00:49:30]>> Yeah.

[00:49:30]>> It's not about me and the ego and me.

[00:49:32]Oh, look how many people I sponsor or look what I do for people. I don't I don't need to talk about that stuff and who they are or how many people because that's not important. The important stuff is that they're alive and they're doing what they they're thriving.

[00:49:46]>> Speaking of love, >> Stavros.

[00:49:49]>> Oh yeah. Go on.

[00:49:50]>> How did you guys meet?

[00:49:51]>> Huh?

[00:49:52]>> How did you meet?

[00:49:53]>> 16 17 years ago we first met. I was on a ye oldie gay dating app called uh Manhunt.

[00:50:02]>> That's a perfect name.

[00:50:03]>> Yeah, of course. Straight to the point.

[00:50:05]Stavros was at university and he was messaging me. Anyway, at that time I was living at George's house in Hamstead and I should call it a house. It was a mansion living there and George was always away on tour. The rule was no boys were allowed to come back to the house.

[00:50:24]>> Okay.

[00:50:25]>> Uh and most days it was like sainsburries. In and out, in and out.

[00:50:30]Anyway, Stablo had arranged to meet me.

[00:50:32]I was going to meet him where I always met them at at the Hamster Tube Station.

[00:50:37]Okay. He was standing outside Hamster Tube Station. As I was leaving, George walked in the door and I was like, "For [ __ ] sake."

[00:50:44]>> And I went off to meet Stavos and I remember >> I don't didn't remember this until he told me.

[00:50:49]>> Okay.

[00:50:50]>> Uh and then it all came back because I can remember exactly what he was wearing. But at the time when I So he I said to him, "You can't come back to the house. My housemates just come back."

[00:51:00]>> Yeah.

[00:51:01]>> And he was like, "Oh." Oh, I said, "But in true uh romantic style, I know a really good bush on the heath."

[00:51:07]>> So off we went to Hamstead Heath. We went on to the Heath and we had we we we we did what we shagged in a bush at Shagged in a bush. Boy George had come home early and ruined your date night.

[00:51:19]>> Yeah. [laughter] Yeah. And literally, but the the the bush that I was shagging in was the one that I used to always go to. Every night I'd go up there with George Michael and me and George used to go one way, George go that way, I'd go that way and then we meet back at that in that same vicinity. So that was my that was my area. That was my ground.

[00:51:38]>> So I took Stabby there on the sides.

[00:51:41]Anyway, we start romanticizing about [laughter] what and I we went there and he he still thinks it was November the 5th because there were fireworks going off. Now I think it was the middle of summer and the sex was that great that he still thinks there was fireworks.

[00:51:55]Anyway, didn't see him for 12 years.

[00:51:58]>> We just It was that one night and then you went way >> and then he saw me at Secret Garden Party a few times and a few other places >> and um then what happened was I handed that book in, right?

[00:52:12]>> I was in the most toxic of relationships.

[00:52:15]>> I was in the darkest place I've ever been. And I mean >> ever been sober, >> right? I was so overweight. I was so unhappy. I was so self-hating.

[00:52:28]I was crying out for help and uh I I yet again another ye oldie uh [laughter] little site came up. Ye oldie Grinder.

[00:52:38]Anyway, this boy messages me on Grinder and I was like, "Fuck, man. He's hot."

[00:52:42]>> Yeah.

[00:52:43]>> And and straight away I start thinking, I don't deserve it. This is never going to happen.

[00:52:49]Anyway, uh it happened. He came over.

[00:52:52]>> And did you remember each other? He knew who I was, but I didn't straight away clock. But I knew his face and I was like, "Why do I know you?"

[00:52:59]>> He started talking blah blah blah. Very, very limited talking at that point, I may say.

[00:53:04]>> Yeah.

[00:53:04]>> And then he off he went. Anyway, we suddenly built up this like relationship and he was at that point in time looking for help. [clears throat] >> And I I could help him.

[00:53:14]>> Yeah.

[00:53:14]>> And he could help me. And it was the it was a moment a god-given moment of like the the times aligning.

[00:53:24]>> Yeah. Just like divine timing.

[00:53:25]>> It was never meant to 12 years before was never meant to happen. This was >> Isn't life funny?

[00:53:30]>> It's incredible. And you know what?

[00:53:32]>> He it was I I talk about in in a lot in in in the in in Recover Me because he taught me to love myself. M >> I don't want to cry, but he taught me how to love myself because up to that point, I wanted to be liked because I didn't know who I was. So, I wasn't going to I wasn't I wasn't available to be loved.

[00:53:53]>> You didn't feel worthy. Every relationship I'd ever been in was running on the past fuel. Things that got me through. Lies, deceit, sex addiction.

[00:54:06]Being in a situation that served, it was the most toxic situation, but it served me because it allowed me to hate myself.

[00:54:16]>> It was like having a cold and constantly touching it. It was always >> a form of self harm. Always >> always every relationship. And I and I'm sorry guys, sue me. Uh but you know that they were all run on that and it was it was awful because I didn't know who I know I knew no better. Yes.

[00:54:34]>> So I'm not responsible for who I was at that point. But when Stabby came into my life, >> the scab had been peeled off >> by that book going out. There were no skeletons.

[00:54:46]>> I couldn't lie. I had nothing to lie about. It was all in that book. There was no way I could go, "Oh yeah, I'm a normal person." Yeah.

[00:54:53]>> You know what I mean? Because it was all out there >> and then you know and Stabby to bring Stabby into that world at that point in time wasn't right.

[00:55:02]>> And Tara was going to me, I don't want you to bring this Stavy into this because it's not right. And I'd be like, >> I get it, but I'm not bringing him into this. I'm keeping it separate.

[00:55:13]>> Yeah.

[00:55:13]>> And I tried to keep it separate as long as I could. And then obviously when you are in a toxic ex relationship and you've got recording devices in every room of your house and situations that happened, it didn't stay a secret for long. And then we were in lockdown and we came to the end of lockdown and uh I was going to IA for a job.

[00:55:35]>> Mhm.

[00:55:36]>> Tanya Barley was on that job actually.

[00:55:39]And we went to Iba and I said to Stavy, bearing in mind we'd never slept together. I mean, we just been shagging like rabbits. He'd keep the cab waiting and go off >> and like literally >> You never spent the night by >> and shut the door. Yeah. And Yeah. No, we never spent the night together. And I was coming out of that cusp of sex addiction just learning cuz I was doing the trauma therapy and everything was aligning.

[00:56:02]>> And I said to him, "Do you want to come to IBA with me?"

[00:56:05]>> And he was like, "Yeah, I'd love to." So up to that point I didn't know where he snored, slept far any of that stuff. Was he was he messy because I couldn't cope with that.

[00:56:17]>> Yeah.

[00:56:17]>> All of these things. He came to I we were the only people in the W Hotel staying there, right?

[00:56:24]>> Uh and we we there and literally uh everything aligned and I was like this isn't real. This can't be happening.

[00:56:33]>> Worked. And I kept looking at him in his speedos and just thinking, [laughter] >> "What the [ __ ] is going on?" You know, when you just think, >> "Yeah, >> what is this? What's going on here?" And um yeah, and Tanya Bari was there and I went had dinner with Tanya and she met she was one of the first to meet Stavy in that in that sense. And I was like trying to keep him still a secret. And she was doing photos. I was like, "Can you cut Stavy out?" She put him on the end so we cut him out.

[00:57:00]>> Literally, that's how it was. We don't take a picture of him. And it was like cuz I just didn't want to bring him into that world.

[00:57:07]>> And then the minute I brought him into that world, all hell broke loose.

[00:57:10]>> Letters got sent to his mom.

[00:57:12]>> What? Being like he needs to stay away from Tony [clears throat] ruin his life. Blah blah blah. He's did this, he's done that.

[00:57:20]>> And but by that point, she'd already read the book.

[00:57:23]>> She knew everything.

[00:57:24]>> Did you manage to win her over? Uh, so the first day I remember being in Croatia with Stavy and Savvy went my sisters told my mom and I was like [ __ ] right [laughter] and it was like that and um I was like why would she do that and his mom was really freaked by the age difference. He said he you know there's 32 years age difference between 28 [clears throat] years actually 28 years and I was like I was like you know there is no age difference cuz I'm mentally I'm younger than him and me you know like that's why we get on so well and there were and so I arranged to go dinner with them at the standard hotel >> and I remember getting to the standard hotel and I went to the toilet and I was like this is going to be awful. So I'm at the urine. This bloke starts talking to me and I was like he was I'm stabbed his dad. I said oh the father like son meeting in the toilet [laughter] first thing I said to his dad. Denny's mom said oh. I sat down at the table and I was like really nice to meet you. Have you ever been to Cyprus? I said I couldn't think of anything worse.

[00:58:28]>> And of course a Greek criate and and so on. And it went from there and then she was like what have you got in what have you got in common with Stabas? And I said, "We've both had syphilus three times."

[00:58:40]>> Oh my. [laughter] >> And by that point, it just got >> Did you get any laughs?

[00:58:46]>> And then Yeah. Well, she at that point she kind of started like laughing and Stabby was like, "Fuck me on the table."

[00:58:52][laughter] And I was like, "Oh my god." And you couldn't make it up. Eight. It was by the end of that dinner, we we all got on and we've always gone.

[00:59:02]>> It all works.

[00:59:03]>> And yeah, because they realized there is no age difference. They realized that I wasn't that person that they painted in their heads. I wasn't the person that had What would you think if your your beautiful son met someone who's twice his age who's got this sorded history, [laughter] right? And I mean it's not a walk in the park, right? I I you know that sorted history and then they're getting letters saying you keep your son away from him.

[00:59:30]He's he's he's a serial killer. Do you know what I mean? It was like, "So, you know, I could only be me. I could only ever be me."

[00:59:39]>> Yeah.

[00:59:39]>> And at that point in time, I went and I gave them that best version of me. And the rest is history, you know. Um, just >> you got married in May 2025. I mean, there were so many like iconic moments in the wedding. You had the cake that spat out.

[00:59:55]>> My favorite word.

[00:59:56]>> Of course, I had to.

[00:59:58]>> Why do you love that word?

[00:59:59]>> This is my favorite word. I had to I have it around my neck and diamonds. I love it. We we we have a company that makes fans and t-shirts and we do, you know, it's about reclaiming that word.

[01:00:11]We live in such an awful world, right?

[01:00:14]And if you think that those four letters are worse than war, you're [ __ ] [ __ ] You get your priorities.

[01:00:21]>> You know what I'm saying? Seriously, people were like, "Oh my god, it's disgusting you're using that word." It's like, why is it disgusting? It's disgusting cuz you think it's disgusting word. We all use it.

[01:00:32]>> Yeah.

[01:00:33]>> It's how we use it.

[01:00:34]>> Yeah.

[01:00:34]>> It's a term of endearment.

[01:00:36]>> Oh my god. Especially >> you ever look at someone go, I love you.

[01:00:39]You >> all the time in my friendship group, but then people look at us like we're [ __ ] >> shut up.

[01:00:44]>> Yeah. It's it's so it's such it's like it's my favorite word of all.

[01:00:49]>> It's everyone's favorite word. But they, you know, societies will slam that like everything else. Do you know what I mean? I sit on planes sometimes as I say at the front um [clears throat] and I'll be sitting there and my necklace is out and people will get on and look and like what are you looking at?

[01:01:04]>> Yeah, my >> give me and oh god I put my in and it's like cuz [laughter] I've got it like branded. I've got a big diamond ring as well with it done.

[01:01:14]>> So >> because it's just >> it's about ownership.

[01:01:17]>> Yeah.

[01:01:18]>> Do you know what I mean?

[01:01:19]>> It that is the biggest problem in your life for the use of that word. What a perfect world we live in.

[01:01:25]>> Oh, no. You need bigger problems.

[01:01:27]Speaking of weddings, I mean, obviously it's no secret you've DJ some of the biggest weddings in the world. Harry and Megan, >> I'm not talking about that one. That's the one I did.

[01:01:37]>> They're obviously Brooklyn kids.

[01:01:39]>> Yeah, I I did that. Yeah. I've done so many people's weddings.

[01:01:42]>> So many weddings. Whose was the wildest?

[01:01:45]>> They're all, you know, a wedding's a wedding. I think my wedding was the wildest.

[01:01:49]>> Who did you DJ yours? Who did it? That was the biggest question everyone kept asking cuz you're a DJ was going to DJ at your wedding. It's like if you're a presenter, who's going to present at your wedding? It's like, do you know what I mean? It's like [ __ ] off. Um, you know, I I had all my friends DJ.

[01:02:04]>> So, so they kind of did sets and together.

[01:02:06]>> Yeah. I had all my friends, all the people that I know, the music was perfect. They know me >> and the music the whole day >> and the whole weekend was based on music. From the minute people arrived, there was music in the morning at at the first service which was at the hotel in the roof and we all got married. We got married in pajamas and we all sat on the roof of the Londoner. Everyone was wearing silk dressing gowns with their names on uh and just it was just a beautiful thing. And then the as the day progressed it suddenly become a big Greek [ __ ] thing. [laughter] Like there's a really like >> they've got a real >> we have film crew following us. There's going to be like down the line there's going to be a program about not the wedding but about my life and stuff like that. So they they were filming it all and then I of course I was miked up the whole day and forgot I was miked up.

[01:02:57]>> You're coming out of all sorts.

[01:02:58]>> [ __ ] Greek bastard walking down the [laughter] corridor taking over my room and all of that stuff and um storming off and um cuz they have a ceremony.

[01:03:08]>> Okay.

[01:03:08]>> And it's and they get the groom ready.

[01:03:11]So they took over my suite and I was kicked out and I just walked around >> the London these corridors stomping getting more and more I cuz no one was saying hello to me. They were all ignoring me and walking into the room and I'm like >> you're like excuse me >> hello and um so they're all going going to see Stab Roth and like and bearing in mind I'd never met any of these criate people before in my life so they didn't have a right to know who I was anyway.

[01:03:36]Storming down the corridor. Then I walk into the room and my mom's like calm down. Thank you. Tell me to come [laughter] side on my mom. And then Tom Tom who's one of my groomsmen who's also one of my sponsors. He gets this thing up on the Daily Man goes [clears throat] Tony says here we stand at the beginning of a new chapter of life of one of the most happiest days of his life. I read it out and I looked at him went shut up you. cuz it literally made me realize how happy I was. But I I still had to destroy it.

[01:04:11]>> You had to make >> by hating on a whole nation.

[01:04:13]>> Yeah. You had to. Yeah.

[01:04:14]>> Not just like one person. This time I'm going to go for every cria in the world.

[01:04:19]>> That is [ __ ] funny.

[01:04:20]>> I know.

[01:04:21]>> Um >> Tony, you've got quite the phone book um of, you know, some of the biggest stars in the world. So I want to play a little game with you. Celebrity a phone book edition. I'm going to hit you with some basically some issues you might have and just give me a name and give me a famous name of someone you'd call for the following.

[01:04:40]>> Oh, go on. Here we go.

[01:04:42]>> Fashion advice.

[01:04:43]>> Fashion advice. Edward.

[01:04:45]>> Good one. Oh, I love him. To have a very chilled evening in with >> Grace Campbell.

[01:04:52]>> I love Grace Campbell. To tell a secret to >> none of them. You're mad. Yeah. My my dog Reinie.

[01:05:02]>> My dog Reinie is the best secret.

[01:05:03]>> To look after the dog when you're away.

[01:05:05]>> Ah, now that's a good one. Max or or Stavros's mom.

[01:05:09]>> Ah, to have a good [ __ ] with >> all of them. [laughter] >> Literally everyone. I Carl Deval. Carl Deval. He's a stylist. I will ring Kyle and I will >> go in and but then Kyle will be in one of his spiritual moments and he'll be like >> I don't want to do this [laughter] >> and then I'll be like you I have to catch him right at the right time cuz he he he he goes through like uh he you know he he's he changes another Sagittarian us Sagittarians early s early like late November Sagittarians are the best >> and what star sign stavos >> stavos is is Taurus The best star sign hello tourist very loyal very passionate expensive things >> doesn't he just [laughter] >> they say if you marry a tourist you'll be broke for life >> hello [laughter] >> to give you a brutal opinion >> George >> Roy George George I mean come on >> 100% >> I've been enjoying his content about Dar Chemley recently he's been keeping me every time I open my Instagram I piss myself he's like listen Dar the handbags destroy that what do you call it? That um that castle.

[01:06:22]>> It's too you know what >> George will always tell me on his truth.

[01:06:26]When I used to live with him, I'd come back from a trip and he'd walk in the kitchen and he'd be like, "What the [ __ ] have you done to your face?" [laughter] >> And I'd be sitting there like something out of Star Wars with like big cheekbones and massive lips, like dribbling water cuz I couldn't feel my lips. And he would always be that brutally honest friend. Like it I I would be going off on a tangent and I do still do it and you'd be like >> go stop.

[01:06:49]>> Who are you entertaining?

[01:06:50]>> Yeah.

[01:06:51]>> And I'd be like >> and then 10 minutes later he's arguing with Grock.

[01:06:54]>> Yeah. Entertaining himself. Yeah. But you know the thing is he's it's I always trust his opinion.

[01:07:01]>> Yeah.

[01:07:02]>> Always.

[01:07:03]>> On that note, I want to ask you who should I refer for a membership to Olivia's house? Who should I have where you're sat next?

[01:07:10]>> I think you should have Edward Lemonf.

[01:07:11]He'd be a good one to have him in here.

[01:07:14]I think Grace Campbell would be really good for you. Oh, Michelle Dis.

[01:07:18]>> They're all good.

[01:07:19]>> [ __ ] brilliant.

[01:07:20]>> They're all good girls. Write them down.

[01:07:21]>> They're my like uh they're my new girl group.

[01:07:24]>> Amazing.

[01:07:24]>> I'm all off to I be for in a couple of weeks together and Joanne McNell as well.

[01:07:29]>> Joanne's been here. We love Joan. She didn't even She's like, you know what?

[01:07:34]The other week, no. But she messaged me say, "Oh, I really hope our paths are going to cross." I'm like, "You're coming to IA to stay with me." what you want about she's like what? I said, "Yeah, I'm going with Grace." I'm like, "Where do you think you're going, darling? You're coming to see me?" She's like, "What?" I'm like, I ran Grace. She [ __ ] off her nut.

[01:07:52]>> Grace and Grace has been here and and Joan, >> you had them both in. I think >> they're so funny. Me and Grace laughed so much.

[01:08:00]>> Honestly, just >> Can I come on this trip?

[01:08:02]>> Yeah, you should.

[01:08:02]>> I want to come. I can't.

[01:08:04]>> Haven't you terrorized every DJ and I beer recently?

[01:08:07]>> Oh my god. Terror. I have a young band from Passion. Do you know what? Tell a light sunny fedora offered me to have a go on the desk. I love >> what a diamond guy.

[01:08:15]>> Such a sweetheart.

[01:08:16]>> Such a You know what? So yeah, he's >> and those songs they they could wake me from my coffin.

[01:08:22]>> You know what? I could when I'm going through the curtain play one of the Sunny Fare songs you kicked me through.

[01:08:28]>> And who are we banning?

[01:08:29]>> Who we Oh, who did I Oh, who >> do we hate?

[01:08:33]>> I know you're going to give me someone.

[01:08:36]>> Who are we banning from here? I think maybe Sadi Khn >> I can't I just I've already slagged him on here. I don't know what it is about him to something. The vibe is terrible.

[01:08:47]>> No, >> the vibe is just >> No, just anyone with Napoleonic syndrome that thinks that they're doing good for bad is and not the one.

[01:08:57]>> Take your 20 m hour.

[01:09:00]>> Ram it >> and shove it right up your [ __ ] I was going to say ass, but I Yeah. No, seriously. [ __ ] right off with your, >> you know, anyone that's homophobic or transphobic, they can they can be off the guest list as well. Anyone that has an opinion on race, >> color, religion, creed, anything. [ __ ] off.

[01:09:24]>> Listen, you're no better than a bot.

[01:09:26]>> Yeah, you're better than that.

[01:09:27]Seriously?

[01:09:28]>> Do you know what I mean?

[01:09:29]>> [ __ ] for brains.

[01:09:30]>> We won't have them in Olivia's house.

[01:09:32]What we will have them in is in Grock's house. I'm going to live in [ __ ] AI land. Do you know what I mean?

[01:09:38]Seriously, there's a reason why you haven't got any followers, honey.

[01:09:41]>> There's a reason. There's a reason why you haven't posted anything, you stupid.

[01:09:45]Oh, yeah. Just seriously, clickbait off.

[01:09:48]There you go.

[01:09:49]>> Oh my god, this has been so much fun.

[01:09:52]Your book is available to buy from all good bookstores, all the >> [ __ ] brilliant bookstores.

[01:09:57]>> All brilliant bookstores.

[01:09:58]>> No, thank you very much, >> everyone. DJ Fat Tony [cheering] >> [music]