The Avoidant’s Idea of a Healthy Relationship

Added: 2026-05-27

[00:00:00]If you've ever dated or been in a relationship with an avoidant, you probably spent a lot of time very confused because every behavior that seemed healthy to you, closeness, emotional intimacy, conflict resolution, repair, future planning, it all caused them to pull away. But everything that seemed unhealthy to you, like emotional distance, emotional walls, avoiding conflict, avoiding repair, hyperindependence, well, that all seemed perfectly normal to them. You see, avoidance, especially dismissive avoidance, they don't enter the relationship with the same mindset of what is healthy and what is not that you do. They have an entirely different view of what a healthy relationship actually looks like. So, let's break that down here. Healthy to them. What does it look like to them? Healthy to them, well, in a nutshell means my attachment wounds never get triggered. My partner never triggers me. I never feel discomfort.

[00:01:04]You see, dismissive avoidance and fearful avoidance that lean heavily dismissive have a very specific set of attachment wounds. And these wounds are triggered by everything normal and everything healthy in a relationship. In other words, healthy relationships trigger the heck out of them. See, emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, conflict, and conflict resolution, open communication, future planning, commitment, all these things trigger them. And it's because these wounds stem from childhood, childhood emotional neglect. They were profoundly neglected.

[00:01:39]Growing up in households where you don't talk about feelings, children are meant to be seen and not heard. But it wasn't just the neglect that caused this. They also had a very critical, controlling, often narcissistic parent that really rejected their emotions, dismissed and invalidated their feelings, and put heavy expectations on them. They were often parentified. They had to manage the narcissistic parents emotions whilst avoiding showing their own because if they had emotions, it was rejected. They learned emotions. Vulnerability is unsafe. They learned to suppress their emotions because there was no healthy outlet for it. Nobody ever showed them how to deal with life stress. No one ever showed them how to process emotions. They just learn to suppress and distract. But they also personalize that neglect growing up to feel defective and unlovable like there's just something wrong with them. and their wounds, their nervous system tells them if I lower my walls and my partner truly sees me. They see the real me, they'll see I'm defective. They'll see I'm worthless. They will reject me. So closeness, intimacy to them means ex being exposed as being defective and getting rejected and shamed.

[00:02:54]Expectations of any kind in a relationship trigger them because of that demanding narcissistic parent that had heavy expectations on them and only gave them approval and quote unquote love based on exceeding those expectations. Well, they struggled to meet those expectations in childhood.

[00:03:11]So, they learn that any expectations, even the bare minimum, is insurmountable. So, this absolutely shapes how they see a healthy relationship. So, how does that healthy relationship look like to them? Well, number one here, it means I don't feel trapped. You see, for many avoidance, you know, closeness feels like being smothered, controlled, loss of freedom.

[00:03:34]You know, that's why somebody else's emotions feels overwhelming. They had to manage the emotions of that demanding narcissistic parent. So, even normal emotions in the relationship, even normal feelings feels just so smothering and overwhelming to them. normal needs to them feel controlling because they develop this hyperindependence mindset fiercely independent. They learn from that critical controlling narcissistic parent that if you get close to somebody they smother you they control you and they reject you and shame you too. So closeness just feels so overwhelming to them the so much anxiety rips through their nervous system. So it ends up uh looking like space feels safe, intimacy feels like engulfment, losing their autonomy, losing their independence.

[00:04:27]So an example of that is we're becoming closer and that's what you think and they think I'm losing myself. I'm losing my independence. I'm losing myself in this relationship. But that's not really what it actually is in a healthy relationship. But then again, they do not have the same mindset of an actual healthy relationship. So what else looks like a healthy relationship to them?

[00:04:52]Healthy means low emotional demands. It means you don't ask anything of me emotionally. You have no needs. You have no feelings. Not anything other than light, happy, fun all the time. Light, happy, fun. Surface level, never deep.

[00:05:07]No deep emotions. No deep vulnerability.

[00:05:10]No difficult conversations whatsoever.

[00:05:13]No, you know, no vulnerability at all.

[00:05:17]Just light surface level banter all the time. And for example, you know, when the partner says, "I miss you," the avoidant thinks, "You're trying to control me." Partner says, "Can we talk about our relationship?" The avoidant, what they hear, what they feel is, "I'm being criticized."

[00:05:37]So no actual conversation that can actually happen that revol that you know requires them to look within to get vulnerable to get deep to take accountability. It's it's too painful for them. Keep in mind any kind of criticism even if it's constructive criticism pokes at that defectiveness wound. That defectiveness wound is a wound of shame. Shame is a toxic emotion. Shame is that emotion that says I'm defective. I'm worthless.

[00:06:07]And the only healthy resolution to shame is to heal it. But to them, criticism, when you're giving them constructive feedback, even saying this is how I feel, or this hurts me when this happens, things like that, they don't hear your emotions, they don't have the capacity to empathize. What they hear is, "You're defective. You're defective.

[00:06:28]You're worthless. You're defective.

[00:06:29]You're worthless." So they'll instantly either shut down to just avoid feeling anything, distract themselves, or get immediately defensive because taking that accountability and really hearing what you have to say is far too painful for them. They spent their whole lives avoiding that shame. Their entire attachment style is oriented around avoiding exposing and avoiding feeling that inner wound of shame. And that's why healthy normal relationship behaviors trigger them because it gets too close to that shame and they fear being exposed. They fear feeling it. So healthy to them means lots of independence, self-reliance. It means they their life is essentially outside of the relationship. I do everything myself. I don't ask my partner for anything. I don't have any needs. I shouldn't depend on anyone because even asking of something from you to them feels like okay I'm losing my independence this is uh this is danger autonomy going you know healthy to them means light all the time you know and that's why early dating often feels amazing with them because they keep it fun they keep it exciting light novelty surface level light banter flirting things like that no expectations But once deeper intimacy starts, once you actually start to get close to this person, when there's future talks, when there's vulnerability, emotional needs, greater closeness, suddenly that exciting relationship starts to feel heavy to them. It starts to feel threatening to them. It starts to feel deeply unsafe to them because that closeness now means there's accountability, there's, you know, emotional needs, things like that. And it means exposure and shame to them.

[00:08:18]their entire nervous system gets on fire with anxiety. Cortisol, the stress hormone, happens in the amygdala, that small almond shaped lobe of the brain that controls primal emotions like anger, excitement, anxiety, and fear.

[00:08:30]And the thing is, they they get overwhelmed with this fear and anxiety, but they do not reflect on it. They don't look at it. They don't ask themselves, "What's going on with me?

[00:08:40]Why do I feel this way when a relationship gets close? this person was wonderful, but suddenly now I feel like I just want to push them away and blame them. What's going on with me? Well, that would mean confronting the shame.

[00:08:54]That would mean feeling things that they don't want to face. That would mean, you know, confronting that defectiveness wound. And that wound is what they've ran from their entire lives. So when things do get close, they do get real and you do have normal needs and do have normal feelings, this is why they will dismiss and invalidate your needs and feelings as being needy or dramatic or too much. Because if they shift that blame over to you, if they make your normal needs as being too needy or something of the sort or your emotions as being dramatic, see, they don't have to feel the shame because it's not their fault. It's your fault. See, you're too needy. You're too dramatic. They don't have to look within. It's all about avoiding themselves. Even when they run from a relationship, they're not genuinely running from you. They're running from themselves. Running from having to face the parts of them that they don't want to face. Now, what else looks healthy to them? No conflict, none whatsoever. No disagreements. Because to them, criticism feels like shaming, even if it's constructive. Emotions feel overwhelming.

[00:09:58]and and and and their childhood, their emotions were dismissed. Their feelings were dismissed. They weren't allowed to have needs. And communicating their feelings, especially in conflict, was deeply unsafe. So, they avoid conflict at all costs. Which means rather than expressing their feelings, they suppress them and hold them in. Which means that quiet resentment can be building underneath the surface about things that you're doing that they don't like or needs that they actually have that they're not communicating because you're not a mind readader. But they don't tell you because telling you means potential conflict which means scary to them. So they just bite their tongue but then the resentment and the disconnect builds.

[00:10:38]But again it's due to that fear of conflict. So when there is any conflict that actually happens in the relationship, they will generally shut down, disappear, maybe get dis defensive, but just avoid the discussion altogether. It's never a good time to talk. Never a good time. There's always an excuse. Oh, it's the end of the day.

[00:10:58]Do we have to do this now? I'm exhausted from work. Or, oh, it's too early. Do we have to start out the day like this?

[00:11:04]There's always a reason to avoid the conflict. So conflicts go unresolved.

[00:11:09]that leads to resentment on both sides and it's just a recipe for disaster. But it's really due to their insecurities, their fears of expressing themselves, their fears of being vulnerable and their fears of being shamed and rejected due to that conflict. So pretty much to them in a nutshell, a healthy relationship is one with a partner that has no needs, no feelings, no expectations. A person that never challenges them. A person that never disagrees with them. A person that keeps it light and surface level all the time.

[00:11:45]A person that validates them on their terms when they want it, expects absolutely nothing in return. A person that's okay with them being inconsistent, that never asks for consistency. a person that's okay when they disappear for days and never asks questions. That is what a healthy relationship looks like to them. All the fun without any work or any discomfort whatsoever.

[00:12:08]But okay, what does a healthy relationship actually look like? A healthy relationship has intimacy, both emotional and physical, and not just once in a while. Consistent intimacy of all kinds. a balance of autonomy, your own your own self, your own independence and partnership. It's not all or nothing. Emotional safety is in a healthy relationship. You can communicate feelings to each other without danger, without risk. Sometimes you might get upset with each other, but there's repair. When there's conflict, there is repair.

[00:12:46]Things are communicated, not suppressed.

[00:12:48]In a healthy relationship, there's vulnerability in a healthy relationship.

[00:12:52]Both partners are willing to open up to each other about their deeper feelings, their fears, even their insecurities.

[00:12:58]That's how you really get to know the other person. When you're in a relationship with the dismissive avoidant, you can spend years with this person and never truly know them because you only know what they show on the surface. They never let you into their inner world. But in a healthy relationship, you can get to know your partner more in a year with a healthy, emotionally available partner than you could know your partner for 20 years if they're a dismissive avoidant. See, a healthy relationship is not about perfection, but it is about two people that are willing to look within, learn, and grow, take accountability, open up, be vulnerable, share experiences, share emotions, and share intimacy. It's really not complicated. But when there's attachment wounds at play, especially avoidant attachment wounds, their version of a healthy relationship is just not a healthy relationship. It is essentially them soaking up validation while giving nothing but breadcrumbs in return.

[00:14:00]So, if this sounded like your relationship, you know, drop it below in the comments. Let me know. Let me know what your experience was.

[00:14:07]Did what felt normal to them feel confusing, painful, or hurtful to you?

[00:14:13]Now recognize if this is what's normal to them, that doesn't mean you have to accept it. It doesn't mean you have to allow it. This is what boundaries are for. Boundaries are your limits of what you'll allow, what you won't allow, what you'll tolerate, what you won't tolerate, what your needs, and what your expectations are. It's essentially what you'll subject yourself to. And you can communicate and hold out those boundaries. And if they don't show up for you, if they don't make adjustments, if they step over your boundaries, well, the way you enforce those boundaries, well, first layer is communication. And if they don't respect that, the next layer is access removing access to you.

[00:14:48]That could be taking a step back. It could be taking space or exiting the relationship. But if you haven't hold boundaries, you can essentially guarantee yourself that you will never be stuck in a long-term relationship with an emotionally unavailable person that does not show up for you. An emotionally unavailable person that has an entirely warped view of what a healthy relationship is. You can avoid that with your boundaries because guess what? Emotionally available, healthier partners, they are attracted to somebody that values intimacy. values healthy relationships in a genuine way and someone that has boundaries, they respect that. They're drawn towards it.

[00:15:30]Whereas the unavailable person is repelled by it. So if they leave because you have boundaries, that doesn't mean your boundaries are failing. That means your boundaries are working. They're weeding out the wrong kind of person.

[00:15:41]You deserve better than breadcrumbs. And you deserve better than a person that has a very warped view of what healthy looks like. Don't sell yourself short.