academic baddie in hospital

Added: 2026-05-22

[00:00:00]It is 2 days before the two biggest exams of my life. In fact, 2 days before the exams that will dictate whether or not I get into Cambridge. And I, Tara Academic, am reporting to you from this deluxe London five-star hotel um over here in England that we call an NHS hospital. So, rather than this being like a normal study advice video, this video is going to be like a diary entry of everything going on right now. And maybe it could give you a bit of motivation to hear everything I'm experiencing and how I'm World War II style rifle on the front lines of the deep trenches of life trying to fight out everything. And also, sorry about the camera quality. I'm recording this on my laptop because there's no space on my phone. Um probably little to [music] no editing on this video. Actually, no apologies about the camera quality because I kind of hope that it's giving like old YouTube vibes. Like, "Uh I made this video in 2007 and it's like gone now.

[00:00:58]You were born in 2007, so let's just stop."

[00:01:01]So, basically, I live with about three to four chronic health conditions. One of these has only just become a really big problem in the last 8 months or so.

[00:01:11]Um in fact, I was diagnosed with one issue in January, one disease. It's now May. Two weeks ago, the doctors told me, "Yes, so you know how we said you had this disease in January? So, you actually have another disease that's developed on top of that." Which is, you know, always fun to develop secondary diseases, especially when you're midway through the biggest exams of your life.

[00:01:32]So, now we're going to finally announce the Cambridge [music] thing. I didn't really want to make a big deal about this thing until August um after my A-level results, but since I'm stuck in hospital now, this is my big announcement. I got an offer to study at Cambridge University. Woop woop. I announced it on Instagram, um but I didn't want to announce it on YouTube because it I just thought it'd be too much pressure. I went through the whole process, the personal statement, the admissions test, the interview, and in late January, that's when they usually announce it, that's when they told me that I got the place. Um and of course I'm going to do videos like in the future of like how to write a personal statement, how to do well in your interview. Like, don't even worry, baby, that's coming. But let me just recover from this illness and do my A levels first. And I also didn't want to announce it in January because even though I got the offer, it's conditional. So, yes, I am guaranteed entry into the Cambridge University, but that's only if I get A*AA in my A levels this August, then I'll go off in October. That just means that I'm stuck in a bit of a sticky situation, [music] being stuck in hospital in the middle of these exams, and these are the exams that determine whether or not I get into Cambridge. So, onto a mini story time, a little learning lesson that I feel like I really need to share. I might end up making like a completely different like separate video about it in the future just because this is like this is a lot, like this is >> [laughter] >> this is basically me spilling my guts out onto the internet. So, I found out that I got into Cambridge like 2 days after I was diagnosed with my first disease. And to be honest, as much as I don't want to say this, the Cambridge offer took me out of quite a dark place mentally. It really gave me something to hope for and something to strive for in the [clears throat] midst of all of my numerous health condition cuz health conditions. And I usually don't share this much of my personal life um out on the web, but we're going to go into the deep end today.

[00:03:28]Um so, one of the other health issues that I struggle with is recurrent depression. It's not the reason I'm in hospital right now. I'm in hospital for a purely physical health reason. My body has just decided to give up on me at the age of 18.

[00:03:41]Um but basically, I struggle with a depression that comes and goes. It comes and goes, and it's been happening since late 2022. In my case, the shortest period of depression that I've experienced is 2 weeks. Guys, sorry if I'm trembling. It's just like the drugs that they put me on. Oh, can you not?

[00:03:57]Why did my notes refresh? Can you actually not cuz that was actually really weird?

[00:04:00]The shortest [snorts] period of depression that I've ever experienced is 2 weeks and the longest period has been around 10 months. Can you expand? No, that's not Why is everything failing to me but failing today to me? You may look at me and go, "Oh, but you're so happy but you're so happy and you're so smiley and you're so jokey and you're so cheery and you get good grades and you're like encouraging other people like how are you depressed?" So, the thing is with depression is that there needs to be more awareness about this thing that we call a smiling depression or a high-functioning depression where you seem completely fine on the outside, completely normal if anything, happy. Um you might be an overachiever. Um you might set yourself very high standards and then live up to them. Um and you seem completely fine on the outside which leads me to say that this is the most dangerous form of depression out there um because at least if I'm in bed all day, people looking around me can go, "No, no, no, no, no, no. There is something wrong with Tara." But if I'm getting up every morning, doing stuff, living my life, the only way that you can get help for that is by admitting that you have a problem yourself, right? And can't nobody see that but you. The only way that you can get help is by admitting that there's something wrong with yourself. So, please guys, even if you go to school or you have a job or you get good grades or you're on the school sports team or the debate team and you have a lovely group of friends and everything on your life seems perfectly amazing.

[00:05:22]Even I feel from the outside, look, if something doesn't sit right with your soul and with your spirit and know that there's something wrong there, seek help. That is not a request. That is a demand. So, hello toxic mindset. My point is is that I can feel depression coming. I feel it coming.

[00:05:43]I feel it coming. Wait. Right. And I got the Cambridge offer and it was like a It was like a happy pill, you see? I didn't have a single episode of depression since late January when I got my offer. And now, this this is this is not a good thing, okay? This is an unhealthy, toxic thing, and I thought that the Holy Ghost of Cambridge just went Holy Ghost, fire!

[00:06:05]Holy Ghost, fire! And then just whip the depression completely out of my system, but no.

[00:06:10]>> [laughter] >> That was not the case. That was very far from the actual case. It's never that simple with recurring depression, because that's what the word recurring is about. Like, it's going to come back.

[00:06:20]So, really, what my silly little brain actually did is that the depression is still there. What happened is that I made Cambridge the god of my depression.

[00:06:30]I made my depression dependent [music] on whether or not I got into Cambridge, which is so so so everything is good when I feel like I'm going to get in, and then they like they're sending me stuff like, "Oh my god, like I'm so special. Like, oh my god, they want me."

[00:06:42]But the second that doubt starts to creep in, that's when all hell is going to break loose, and that's when your mental health is going to go crazy. And I will just realize, you know, like if I don't get in in August, that's when everything's going to go to complete crap. And I realized, "No, that's actually really unhealthy and toxic."

[00:07:02]And you know what made me realize this?

[00:07:03]Sorry, we are jumping from topic to topic to topic to topic today. Alyssa Liu made me realize, "Oh, let me not."

[00:07:09]Sorry, I'm like literally in the middle of a transfusion infusion? I don't know what they call it. these things I have.

[00:07:16]21 minutes left. I'm freezing outside. I feel my skin tight. My heart is in flames, but I look up to you. Right, so if you don't know the lore behind the myth, the woman, the legend herself, I really hope you're going to hear me. There's a lot of things going on in the background.

[00:07:32]Alyssa Liu, I'm not here to regurgitate that, since there are so many other YouTube videos on here that like go through her whole story and um everything, but I just wanted to briefly summarize. In her new age of being on the rink, she does things for the love of the game, okay?

[00:07:49]She skates to her own music. She wears the outfits that she likes. She practices when she needs to. Takes breaks when she needs to. And is on that rink for nothing but the love of the game. She loves figure skating. You can see the joy radiating off of her when she performs. And when she speaks in interviews, she specifically mentions that winning isn't the goal to her.

[00:08:10]World champion, by the way. Okay, world champion, winning isn't the goal to her.

[00:08:14]It's more like a side effect of her putting her best foot forward. I don't know.

[00:08:17]>> [laughter] >> In my nose I put my best food forward.

[00:08:20]So, you guys, I'm actually starving because I have all of these Skansen stuff. Like, I can't even eat until 6:00.

[00:08:25]>> [laughter] >> Like, oh my god, this is actually torture.

[00:08:28]But, putting her best foot, not her best food, forward. By enjoying the journey.

[00:08:33]By and by enjoying [laughter] learning from her mistakes. By doing the way doing Wait, the drugs are actually getting to my brain. I can't even speak. By enjoying the game and doing things the way that she wants to. She describes how failure isn't something to dread, but instead something to look forward to. To learn from. That the challenge and the struggle is something that makes her feel alive. And Alyssa Liu is focused on the journey. The game itself, rather than the end goal or this idea of winning. And that got me thinking. Woah.

[00:09:09]I'm toxic, okay? Because I have made everything dependent on getting in. Push it to an extreme. If you don't get in, you didn't work hard enough. You're not talented enough. You're not smart enough. And it's like, no. This type of achievement cannot be where you're getting your self-worth from. So, I just wanted to send this message to anyone out there that's in a similar position to me. Whether it's with university admissions or with grades or whatever.

[00:09:30]You cannot be getting your sense of self-worth from these material things.

[00:09:35]And especially when it comes to achievement or grades. Okay, look, the thing is is this is incredibly ironic and the reason why I'm saying that is because my last video was literally entitled how to get addicted to studying. And I'm not going to spoil the video because I want you to watch it, but at the end I give really toxic advice as is me calling myself out on my own BS.

[00:09:53]Um now the whole video isn't toxic, it's just that part at the end. Um and this is literally me like going against everything that I said at the end of that video. I did say it was toxic and I did say use it at your own discretion, but after being on the far end of that toxic stick and coming to you with my results, bro, it's just not worth it. Like we can grow, we can change, it's a free world and I'm vehemently and strongly changing my opinion on this subject. Bro, it's not worth it, especially if you have like other mental health issues like depression. There are other ways to motivate yourself like with the Alyssa Lia mindset. So, hello not so toxic fan.

[00:10:32]After having a mental breakdown about it, after speaking to one of my best friends, being with my mom, I said, "Done Cambridge, okay? Leave Cambridge the hell alone. Over-focusing and obsessing and telling myself I'm a piece of crap is not going to help me get in.

[00:10:45]If anything, it's just going to cause me unnecessary stress and even prevent me from getting in because I'm too stressed, right?" I said they can accept me in August. I really hope you guys still hear me. I might pull the camera a bit closer. I said, "They can accept me in August. They can reject me in August.

[00:10:59]Does it really matter? I am not going to focus on that outcome right now because that outcome that I'm thinking about that's happening in August is not going to change the present." Oh, let me just Sorry, I'm very aware I'm like literally doxing myself. I don't think there's anything too personal on this wrist band, I don't know. I might blur it out.

[00:11:18]I have to focus on the present right [music] now in order to even be able to reach Sorry, I'm just like this >> [laughter] >> I'm just like pointing my arm out because I'm scared that if I bend it, the fluid isn't going to go in. I have to focus on the present right now to even be able to reach for that future in the first place. So, I said screw it.

[00:11:35]What would a lesser you do if she were in my situation? And I said, she would focus on her love for the game. I said, wait a damn minute. I love my subjects.

[00:11:45]For A levels, I take English language, French, and music technology. I also did an EPQ last year that I got an A* in.

[00:11:51]I know.

[00:11:52]How to romanticize your own subjects. I realized like, damn, I need to get my spark back. So, I made this wallpaper on my phone. I don't know how much I just I'm going to do it on this video. So, let me just show you. I made this wallpaper on my phone that's literally also Oh, you guys can see my notes.

[00:12:08]Um, that's literally like all of the things that I study. And it's like from being able to use a foreign language to the international phonetic alphabet to knowing the science behind cassette tapes. Like, my subjects are way cooler than I thought they were. And I've just got to remind myself of that on the daily. You've got to remind yourself of that on the daily when things get tough.

[00:12:27]You got to inject You got to IV inject that spark back into yourself and remind yourself that you are the hot stuff. You have the opportunity to study, even if your subjects aren't as cool as mine.

[00:12:39]Obviously, cuz I'm the ghost. So many kids around the world wish that they could be in your position and be able to study subjects in general, even if it's not their dream subject in the entire world. So many kids are praying, pleading just to sit in a classroom, put pen to paper, and learn something.

[00:12:56]Again, we're getting hella personal today, but my mom was born in extreme poverty in rural Tanzania in the '60s.

[00:13:04]Okay, this is probably a story for another video, but to cut my mom's entire life story short, she was supposed to be married off at 13. My parents had the dowry ready. That's no disrespect to my BB and my Babu. Social times were different. The law was different. They both passed on. Rest in peace. I love you guys. Um, but the thing is is that my mother fought, okay?

[00:13:24]She wanted an education. And yeah, she didn't like maths and physics, and she fell asleep in her classes, and pushed through anyway, because she would rather be struggling with physics than than being sold off to some old man at 13. Let's [music] just say, to abruptly shorten my mom's entire story my mom's entire life story for the sake of this video.

[00:13:44]She is now a fully qualified band seven midwife, making a good respectful income, serving king and country, working for the NHS. It's It's a true rags-to-riches story. Well, I mean, rags-to-middle-class.

[00:13:56]I'm not rich, yet.

[00:13:59]Oh, hi, Mom.

[00:14:01]Yeah, you just got a shout-out in the video, you know? Huh? You just got a shout-out in the video. Which video? So, number one takeaway from this video, right? I have to say that there is always somebody out there that's having a worse time than you. Look, if I can study with a bloody cannula in my arm It's It's pretty bloody.

[00:14:19]>> [laughter] >> On a hospital bed, okay? Like, 2 days Is it 2 days? What day is it today? It's Wednesday. Yeah, 2 days before two of the biggest exams in my life, okay? I'm practicing music tech. I have a paper on me now. I've done half of it. I need to do another half of it after I get my scan done, and I finish this video. Um, I think you can study from home, and I think you can study at school, right? I don't know if you guys are watching this season of Euphoria, but just remember that Rue in a parallel universe somebody somewhere out there is having a worse day than you. I can almost guarantee that Rue is having a worse day than you.

[00:14:55]I don't know if she's surviving this season, but anyway, no spoilers. Um, this isn't to shame you, or to do that stupid toxic thing that I'm trying to get rid of. Like, there are children starving in Africa, and you won't even eat the rice off of your plate. I actually hear people say that, because are there not children starving in England, too?

[00:15:12]Isn't that right, Mom?

[00:15:13]Are there not children living in poverty in the UK, too? So, this is just to put into perspective of how much we have, and how much we have to be grateful for.

[00:15:22]People ask me like, "Oh, you're in in and out of hospital right now in the middle of your A-levels. Like, how do you feel? Like, are you not like depressed? Like, what happened to your recurring depression? Like, are you not at least a little bit sad?" And to be honest, right now, my current answer is no. I'm not. The one emotion that I feel really strongly right now, thanks [music] to my Elysia mindset, is gratitude, right? I feel grateful that I can apply for student finance and get my uni degree funded. I still have to pay it back after employment though. Boo, I thought I think university university should be free across the globe. Um, like, I feel grateful that I can go to sixth form and study well, I'm in hospital right now, but in general, like, I can go to sixth form, I can study, I can ask my teachers questions. I I have this such a great opportunity. Um, even though I do have to pay all the student debt back.

[00:16:14]Um, you know what? I think that I need to run for president. Sorry, prime minister. And um, when I'm prime minister, I'm going to make education uni education free. It That was a joke.

[00:16:25]I'm I'm not going to do that. I'm never getting into politics as a career in my life. People ask me like, "Oh, don't you want to be prime minister one day?" And I'm just like, "Bumbo clot. Bumbo clot.

[00:16:33]Who do you think I am?" I love my king and my country and Yorkshire tea, but not that much, okay? I'm also way too creative for that and it's a dirty dirty job. But anyway, I digress. Vote Tory Academic Party 2026 and I'm going to make uni education free. [music] Also, please don't skip the ads. I might I might not have medical bills thanks to the National Health Service. Woop woop.

[00:16:51]But, I will have a heap load of student debt to pay off starting this year.

[00:16:56]Also, bear with me. I do have something else to say in a sec. But, while I have your attention, as you can tell, I have been taking a bit [music] of a break from uploading for um obvious reasons. Um, I can give you the exact date that I will be back. That is Sunday, the 5th of July. I'll be back with new fresh study advice added to your calendar 3:00 p.m. BST. Okay, that's British summertime, which I like to call IGT, okay? Island girl time. So, it's so chaotic in here. I really hope you guys can hear me. We're going to come back with an absolute banger. Add it to your calendar. Point being, despite the bloody cannula stuck on my arm right now, I think I'm in a good position. I think I'm in a very fortunate position. I'm grateful for my score, for my subjects, for my education, for the opportunity to go to Cambridge freaking University, for crying out loud. But, there is no need to attach myself and pressure myself unnecessarily about it. In the wise words of Alyssa Liu, connect to everything, but attach yourself to nothing. And yes, I am going to use this as another opportunity to shamelessly plug myself in. I mean, I'm literally in a hospital. Like, give me a few empathy points, please. If you want to watch the original video where I posted like just before that completely contradicts [laughter] everything I said in this video, watch here. But, if you feel like you need some more gentle motivation and a push that doesn't feel like shame or guilt, click here instead. And [music] finally, good luck to all my fellow A-level, GCSE, or IGCSE students in the class of 2026 and in the classes beyond this time. We got this. Enjoy the process.

[00:18:29]Try your best. And try your best also to not get yourself into hospital. And yeah, only 7 minutes left of my transfu- transfusion, infusion. Um yeah, just stay stay sel- healthy. Stay safe on them streets. Uh follow me on Insta if you want more frequent updates.

[00:18:47]It's um in my description. Anyway, I'm going to stop talking now.

[00:18:51]>> [laughter] >> I do a lot of talking.

[00:18:55]Goodbye, guys. I love you.