When the People You Needed Most Let You Down

[00:00:01]If you could go back in time to the death of your husband and make a list of people you were absolutely certain would be there for you, would that list look the same today? I don't think mine would look like that. One of the biggest surprises after my husband's death was not just how difficult the grief is. And the realization that some of the people I thought would walk alongside me simply didn't. Some people have disappeared, or they have gradually moved away. Others said things that, frankly, made the pain even worse. And if this has been your experience, I want you to know—you are not alone.

[00:00:40]Today I want to talk about what to do with this kind of loss. Because losing a spouse is heartbreaking in itself, but when you also try to understand the people who let you down, it creates another layer of grief that few people talk about. So stay with me until the end, because I want to share with you one truth that changed my life and helped me finally let go of this pain and start moving on. After many years of working with widows and talking about the difficulties and pain they are trying to cope with, this is certainly one of the issues that is near the top of the list.

[00:01:23]I would say that, first of all, we have all experienced pain from people at some point in our lives when they let us down and weren't there when we needed them. But when you mourn your husband, it's a much more complex loss, harder to cope with, and it adds a pain you don't feel at other times. Because if you think about it, you've already lost your biggest support —your husband. And if you feel like the people around you—the ones I asked you to think about if you were to make a list—are not there, then you kind of mourn that loss too, because everything has changed. And because of that, you don't feel any security, no support network. You don't know who to trust. And this is a very difficult condition. So I want to confirm that your feelings are completely justified and this is a real problem. And that's why I want to talk about it with you today. So, before we decide what to do about this pain, let's try to understand at least a little bit why it happens. Before we get into this, I want to make it clear: the explanations I give are in no way intended to minimize your pain or suffering.

[00:02:46]Absolutely not. This is justified. This is real. And yet, I think it can be very useful to consider some of the reasons why people let us down, why they disappoint us, and it can help you understand the situation better. This does not make their actions right or excuse them, but I just want to briefly mention some of these reasons. There are many, many options. So, here are just some possible reasons: They just don't know what to say.

[00:03:19]I've often heard this from people. In fact, I remember a friend of mine from church following us.

[00:03:26]One time we tried to leave, but we were crying—me and my girls—and he just came over and said, "I just don't know what to tell you."

[00:03:35]You know what? That was enough. He was concerned and shared it. But many people really don't know what to say.

[00:03:43]They feel embarrassed by such deep pain. You are broken, you are devastated. What do you say here? Yes. What to say to a person in such a situation? Therefore, they are very uncomfortable, they don't know how to approach you. Maybe they're afraid of upsetting you even more or something like that. They are just very uncomfortable with this kind of pain.

[00:04:05]Perhaps they feel their own helplessness. I mean, who can say or do anything that will take away your pain? Nobody can. So maybe they not only don't know what to say, but they also think: what's the point? And so they just feel helpless. They may assume that someone else is already helping you.

[00:04:29]Maybe they think that because you are a Christian, you are okay, because you have a relationship with the Lord and are strong in your faith, and therefore you are coping.

[00:04:39]Or maybe even when they see you, you seem fine, so they assume you're better off than you actually are. Here is another point worth taking into account.

[00:04:51]Maybe they are sad too. Whatever your relationship—whether it's a family member or a close friend—they may be going through their own grief. And so they don't quite understand how to share your pain. And the last thing I want to mention: they carry their own burden. And again, this is not an excuse, but everyone has their own problems. Maybe they are just going through their own difficulties and are unable to be there for you as much as you would like. So, a few things to think about: we don't always know what's in people's hearts or what their motives are. That doesn't make their actions right. That doesn't make them acceptable. But here are a couple of thoughts for you as you reflect on how people may have hurt you after your husband's death. One aspect of this issue, when we are hurt, is to think about our expectations. And when you're sad, maybe some of your expectations are perfectly reasonable. You expect people to call to see how you are or to leave messages.

[00:06:07]Maybe you're waiting for them to come over, sit with you, or ask about your husband. These are all perfectly reasonable expectations. But it could be that we place some unrealistic expectations on people. And we all do that. We all look at life through our own lens. What we believe people should do.

[00:06:29]But not everyone thinks the same way we do. So it's possible that some of the expectations people have are a bit unrealistic.

[00:06:39]People cannot satisfy needs they are not aware of. And this is another very important point.

[00:06:45]If we withdraw into ourselves, avoid communication, or when we see people and just say, "I'm fine" or "I'm fine." People are not omniscient. So they simply don't know what they don't know.

[00:06:58]Maybe they just don't understand what you're going through because you have n't told them about it. Grief makes us more vulnerable. And this is the absolute truth. I previously described it as the condition of a broken egg with lots of small cracks all over the surface. If you touch it even slightly, it will shatter into a million pieces. So your heart is very fragile and easily hurt. And this is also worth considering.

[00:07:30]Sometimes misunderstandings just happen by themselves. So consider your expectations and understand the difference; This can save you unnecessary pain by distinguishing between realistic expectations and expecting something from someone that they simply weren't capable of. The next important point when you think about people who have offended you is not to lump them all together, but to think about each individual relationship: were they close before and is it worth keeping them, perhaps after discussing it with that person? This can be very useful. And here's something else I want to share with you about this. Often when I was hurting and people let me down, I could find a bunch of reasons why they did it, or I just thought they didn't care, but these were relationships I wanted to keep. When I talk to them, open my heart, and hear theirs, my heart is almost always softened by what I hear. It helps me see things a little better from their perspective, understand what they were going through and what their reasons were.

[00:09:00]Again, I'm not making excuses, I'm not saying it's good, but I know that every time I've done this and asked the person, " Okay, what's your opinion on this?" And I heard what was going on in their lives. God always softens my heart and helps me let go of the situation a little more when I do that. And here's something else to think about.

[00:09:25]Perhaps at the very beginning of your grief, they simply couldn't be there for you for some reason— one of the reasons I mentioned or something else entirely. But sometimes, over time, they can reappear in your life if it's a relationship you'd like to maintain. So, there are a few things to consider about every relationship when you're trying to work through these kinds of resentments. And here is the bitter and sad truth. We have changed. When our husbands die, a part of us dies with them. And we are no longer the same people.

[00:10:07]At the beginning of our grief, as we move on with our lives and God helps us move on, it affects you. When you lose the person you loved the most and they are no longer around, it changes you.

[00:10:21]There is no way this won't change you. So just accept it. And if you are different, then your relationships with people will be different.

[00:10:32]And it hurts. It hurts to accept, and it's another layer to work through. But we don't need to pretend it doesn't matter.

[00:10:46]And I want to tell you that trying to deal with that kind of loss, the depth of it, and what to do with all that pain—that's why I created the Redeemed Widow community, so that widows could have a safe place to talk about their feelings. Because this is a burden that many of us carry, not knowing who to share it with, because for some reason we have no one to confide in, or it seems that we will lose spirituality if we talk about our pain and disappointment in people. The Redeemed Widows Community is the perfect place where you can open your heart, receive support, and advice as you navigate all levels of your loss.

[00:11:36]This is one of the topics we can talk about to help you find a way forward and not get stuck in a rut. That's the danger of such pain. We replay it in our minds over and over again. I don't know if you did that, but I definitely did—remembered things people said, did, or didn't do. I often thought about it, replayed it in my head, rehearsed the conversations, the words they said, looked for hidden meaning, and just got hung up on the disappointments, feeling completely alone—not just because of the loss of my husband, but because of this relationship. But here's what happens: unforgiveness arises, and a root of bitterness grows in your heart. This is what keeps you from moving on and healing if you constantly dwell on how people have hurt you, what they haven't done, and how they have let you down. This is exactly the state I found myself in after my husband's death. And that's what I want to talk about next. As for the list of people I mentioned earlier, there were definitely some real surprises for me. Such disappointment is very painful, truly painful.

[00:13:19]How to come to terms with this and what to do with such pain? I found myself trapped, just nursing this pain and this wound. And it was real. This is not something to belittle or devalue, because it is in moments like these that people show whether they are with you. If they come when you are at your worst, how else can a person prove their love other than being there for you in your moment of greatest suffering? So when people don't come to help, it's overwhelming, it's shocking, and it's very difficult. This is very difficult to realize and accept. But here's what God revealed to me as I was trying to deal with this and all the pain, all the disappointments, the people I thought should be there for me, God spoke very gently to my heart. Look away from them and fix your gaze on Me.

[00:14:32]And wow, that was exactly what I needed to hear because it was preventing me from moving on, from finding healing. And that's exactly what happens when we get stuck in unforgiveness and bitterness. We can only think that we are victims and we did not deserve this. And you know what? We really did n't deserve it. But this will only keep you captive and limited. This is something we often talk about.

[00:15:01]How forgiveness, when we let someone go, actually frees us, because it keeps us imprisoned, in this vicious circle of pain and disappointment. And that is not at all what God wants for us. So if you're struggling with that, if there are people who have hurt you in times of loss, again, I'm not minimizing that. I'm not saying it does n't matter, especially if they sinned against you and it was something wrong and hurtful, but forgiveness is such an important component because God wants to begin to heal your heart. But if you hold on to it so tightly, you won't be able to move forward. You must give these things to God.

[00:15:45]This doesn't mean the relationship will be the same. This doesn't mean that everything will go back to the way it was before, because that's not possible, is it? I just feel like a lot of people have been eliminated from my life. Um, and not intentionally, but it's just a result of what happened, but again, just let them go for whatever reason. I'm grateful for the time they were a part of my life, but now I have a new season.

[00:16:12]So take your eyes off them, off this list of people who have hurt you, and look at God. Look to God, to who He is, to what He wants to do in your life, because in reality He is the only one who can meet you in your deepest need. And as I close today, I pray that you will be encouraged and that I will give you something to think about regarding these relationships, these hurts, and these additional layers of pain that you are trying to deal with when your heart is already broken.

[00:16:49]My heart is with you because I know it's not easy and it's a process. This is what we need to come to the Lord with, and He will reveal to you if there is any unforgiveness in your heart. I even remember dreaming that I was yelling at someone I thought I had already forgiven, and it was like, "No, you didn't actually forgive them." So, um, I just want you to be able to let God heal you. But when we hold on to that bitterness, that pain, and, you know, that wound, it's like it's some kind of sign or something that we carry around.

[00:17:36]This will hold us back and prevent us from receiving the comfort that God wants to give. So learn to let go of these things.

[00:17:45]We cannot control the actions of other people. This is beyond our responsibility.

[00:17:51]But you can choose what to focus on.

[00:17:56]And in life there will be such periods, such moments that you will go through, so dark and deep that only God can go through them with you. No other person can enter into this like Jesus, for He knows every part of your story and can give you healing. He can give you hope again. He can give you peace of mind. But if you are holding on to it and letting what other people have done to you stop you from moving forward, I pray that you will take this message and reflect on those relationships. That you would give those grievances to the Lord, take your eyes off them, off that disappointment, and direct them to the Lord Jesus, who is right there with you and can meet every need of your broken heart right now. May God bless you.