Gaspar Larrain- Experience in Notre Dame

Added: 2026-05-25

[00:00:00]Welcome everyone to this new episode of to the big world podcast. I am your host Alda and today you will be watching an interviewee speak about their experiences and thoughts. Enjoy.

[00:00:13]Welcome everyone to this new episode.

[00:00:15]Today we have here Matthias Larrain. He is a student sophomore right now at Notre Dame Notre Dame.

[00:00:23]And alumni at from Nido de Aguilas. He graduated in 2024.

[00:00:28]Would you like to tell us a bit more about you? Yeah, sure. Um so I should mention my name is Gaspar. Current sophomore.

[00:00:36]I study business and analytics at Notre Dame. Um I have a lot of experience. I run data club. I have a lot of extracurricular activities. I also have a happen to have a lot of mental health uh history.

[00:00:51]Um yeah, I'm just here a bit to tell to talk about my story, how I ended up there and right now here back in Chile.

[00:00:59]Um just share anything I can that would be really useful for anyone listening.

[00:01:04]Glad to hear. Yeah, we're really honored to have you in the podcast as one of our first um guests. And well, let's get started.

[00:01:13]Perfect.

[00:01:14]>> Like Um so we know that Notre Dame is very is very known for its social culture.

[00:01:22]Uh it's apparently very intense um with the dorms and weekend sports parties. Uh when you got there, what was your impression of this? Um you feel it uh whenever you go to Notre Dame the first thing people will say is the community is the best aspect of it. Um it sounds very cliche and yet everyone still Everyone will give you a warning. It sounds very cliche, but we still say it.

[00:01:50]Uh it is very true um cuz it's a large part of the university.

[00:01:56]Um that doesn't mean it's entirely easy.

[00:01:59]Um, there's a There's a There's different aspects to to the social environment there. You have, of course, football. We're in fall We're fall semester, everybody goes absolutely crazy about the football games. I do mean American football for the children people.

[00:02:16]>> [laughter] >> Uh, it's So, they're major events. We've had helicopters from the military. The military sometimes does events.

[00:02:25]Um, we've competed like in the playoff in like the um like going up to the tournament. It's It's a really cool experience that kind of bonds the whole university together.

[00:02:39]Um, you also have the tailgates, which has a lot of alcohol and kind of more party side of things.

[00:02:46]And then you just have that like everyday weekends, where especially in the male dorms, you have cuz yes, they are separated by gender. Uh, that's a big big point of fear for a lot of people.

[00:02:58]Um, but especially in the male dorms, uh, a bunch of weekends there's like these dorm parties. Cuz we have Everyone has like doubles, singles, uh quads, and then there's like a six-man.

[00:03:12]With like six people living together in the same dorm. Um It's an experience, I've been told. Um and they usually host a lot of the parties.

[00:03:25]Um The funniest thing is I can tell you all this even though I barely been in any.

[00:03:31]Uh, I walked once with my roommate the first year.

[00:03:36]Um, I spent 3 minutes inside the the six-man, and then I walked out and left and went to my room.

[00:03:43]I am not a party person, >> [laughter] >> uh, which has been a very interesting part, but it it works. It works really well.

[00:03:50]All right. And the dorms, they have like special names or are they assigned by interests?

[00:03:57]Uh so, you get assigned randomly.

[00:04:01]Um completely randomly. Your first your first year roommate is absolutely random.

[00:04:06]Um so, you have no idea what you're getting yourself into.

[00:04:10]Um a lot of colleges have frats or that kind of organization. Here you have your dorm.

[00:04:16]Um and I do mean it's like a very It's a very good mix of what you would call a frat and a dorm. Cuz you're not It's not like create I do I have I can't really talk much about frats cuz I don't know the experience there.

[00:04:32]Um but I will base myself on the stereotype that I have of them.

[00:04:37]It's not like that.

[00:04:39]Um I It's just I know a lot of people there. More people there know me than I know them.

[00:04:46]Um it's just a place where I you kind of have a community. If you ever want to hang out with anyone, you just talk to them. They organize a bunch of events.

[00:04:53]If you're interested in any, you go. If you're not, you don't.

[00:04:58]Um it's it's a fun group of people that kind of have one thing in common. In my case, Dun Hall.

[00:05:06]Uh so, they do have those special names.

[00:05:08]Um but yeah, it's I I It's a very good balance of it, which I think also fuels my ability to not be into parties that much.

[00:05:21]Cuz the dorm the dorm is just a space where I can hang out. I have a lot of friends there. Some don't go to parties.

[00:05:27]I've had to take care of my first year roommate as he was drunk and might pee in his bed. Had to lift him up. I am so sorry, Kyle.

[00:05:34]>> [laughter] >> Uh but for legal reasons, this is a hypothetical.

[00:05:41]>> [laughter] >> But it um it's even even if your friends go to parties or not, you you still find ways to get along.

[00:05:54]And the randomness aspect, in worst case scenario, you don't really get along with them.

[00:05:58]Yeah.

[00:05:59]>> Like you're not best friends.

[00:06:00]And that's okay. You can Usually you still manage to live with them. I was lucky that my freshman roommate is still one of my best friends to this day.

[00:06:09]Even if it's not, you still get along with them pretty well. So where It works. It works. That's the reality.

[00:06:15]Yeah, I would like to touch more on the party culture in Notre Dame.

[00:06:21]Since it also happened in high school that there are a bunch of parties and people are aware of them. And in the parties there are substances and things can happen and go wrong or you can just have a fun time. But how is it, even though you don't go to parties, you don't probably drink and then obviously.

[00:06:41]How did you manage to kind of erase the social pressure or combat it in some way and find your people in your community?

[00:06:52]Yeah, that's a good question.

[00:06:54]I think the main aspect is there's 9,000 people.

[00:06:58]Um in any high school, at least most places around the world. I do I think some places in the United States they do have that amount of people.

[00:07:09]Still cannot get used to that. But in most places it's nor not normal to have 9,000 people uh in the same place for high school particular. So if you go to Nido, for example, everyone knows each other to some extent. You know of the existence of every person, which means the social pressure of it You you you you You're all the same community. You all see each other at some point during the day.

[00:07:36]Um they have more influence on you and if you don't get along with anyone in your genuine you don't get along with anyone, there's not many options available. Things change when you have 9,000 people. Uh I think it's 13,000 if you count grad students, but um but it's it's it's a large amount of And it's one of the smaller universities, which is still a mind-blowing >> Mind-blowing, yeah.

[00:08:00]Um so, one of um once you get in there, of course, there's that pressure of like, well, okay. The first person you meet has to go to parties, who has apparently I have to go to parties, but I hate it.

[00:08:12]Um Um then you start to realize that if you don't get along with one person, there is still um 8,999 other people you can talk to.

[00:08:24]Oh, well, you don't get along with 10, there's still a lot.

[00:08:29]Um so, that's kind of my mentality when I went into it.

[00:08:34]Um which then allows It's a lot of trial and error. I won't lie that some parts suck, especially once you get first semester, there's an I I think everyone goes to college with these like high expectations that it's going to be the best time of my life.

[00:08:48]And then the first semester is kind of like a fall down like, I don't know anyone.

[00:08:53]Um especially as an international student, you definitely don't know anyone.

[00:08:58]Um and yet um if you're willing to give it time and just put yourself out there, at some point someone in those 9,000 people will be someone you get along with.

[00:09:13]Uh that's I think that's the best way to look at it and someone that will respect what you want to do. If you don't like parties, they don't really care.

[00:09:20]Um there's someone, at least one person, and that's more than enough to get along with to enjoy the social aspect of things. Right. For you, was it maybe clubs or >> Oh, yeah.

[00:09:32]So, it There were There was like a transition part. There were First, my my first like social real social aspect was my dorm and my first year roommate, which I've already um uh exposed a little bit too much, so I won't expose it anymore.

[00:09:50]Uh again, I'm so sorry.

[00:09:52]>> [laughter] >> But I I it's I think I've got very lucky in that sense. So, that's the moment I got there, I had someone I got along really well.

[00:10:03]Um I was actually six days away. That was already like an immediate connection that really helped me get started.

[00:10:11]Then, I had one of my classes we formed a good friend group.

[00:10:16]Um I don't talk to any of them, mostly.

[00:10:18]I There's like one or two first people that in that class from that class that I still talk to.

[00:10:24]Um but that but a class actually became um a very good anchoring point. Yeah, united by uh the suffering that that class brought us.

[00:10:36]>> [laughter] >> Still the hardest class I've Yeah, I Yeah, that was We called it trauma bonding.

[00:10:42]Uh we did get a I think the highest grade in the first assignment was like a B.

[00:10:46]Uh B minus.

[00:10:48]Uh >> [laughter] >> So, yeah, it was it was a it was a bad class. It was bad.

[00:10:54]Uh so, that we had like that trauma bonding. And then, clubs, of course, was a huge aspect of that as well.

[00:11:01]Um I check any of my social media data will be thrown all over.

[00:11:08]Um it is a big point of my identity and a bit too much, maybe.

[00:11:12]Um but it's it's really been an opportunity for me to um to do something I'm very passionate about and meet a lot of people.

[00:11:22]Um that has got started that as well my first semester. And one of the best things that happened to me was this second year.

[00:11:31]Um Did you found the club? No, no, no, no.

[00:11:34]We took over we the previous board from the previous year.

[00:11:41]None of I think there was one person that was staying.

[00:11:45]And then we they assigned like a completely new board of eight people.

[00:11:50]Three of them left because they were over qualified, one transferred to Cornell, one is building a startup in somewhere around the world funded by YC.

[00:11:59]The other one left halfway cuz he got recruited by Palantir.

[00:12:03]And then the one never showed up.

[00:12:05]So we don't know about that guy. But that's like the level of people we were talking about and then there was four of us, two of them which were graduating.

[00:12:13]So they [clears throat] they put a lot more effort than they should have.

[00:12:18]It's a four people crew trying to manage a 120 person club. Even though we didn't fund it, that's still like very difficult task.

[00:12:27]It was chaotic. It was pretty bad.

[00:12:31]I think we did the best we could and I one of the best things I had I've been in the club for two years. One of the best experiences was this year we had to select a board.

[00:12:42]A group of eight people that were going to help us lead the next semester.

[00:12:46]And I knew everyone's name that we ended up selecting cuz they had all done really cool stuff and I was aware of it or I had communicated with them.

[00:12:58]I was aware of all the cool stuff they they were able to build directly or indirectly because of the club.

[00:13:05]That was that was like a big moment for me. That that kind of shows how Data Club was really like a big important part of my social aspect.

[00:13:12]What what's your what kind of thing do you do with Data Club?

[00:13:17]>> [laughter] >> I I am the definition of a nerd in every aspect.

[00:13:23]I I do research in artificial intelligence, and writing a paper right now. Um I'm trying to get approval for testing like you have to apply to this board in order to get ethical to get ethical approval or something. So, I'm trying to get that done. Um then for data club I created the learning project. So, we had a learning project the previous semester which was just a bunch of lectures and we I built an entire curriculum for this one.

[00:13:56]Um I created a data set of like the past two previous years of the club. I organized a bunch of deliverables, got 14 leaders and we made Um we got like 40 people to to have presentations both to personnel in the library to like a bunch of data librarians.

[00:14:15]And then uh a contact of mine that works at McDonald's called the solutions that she handles the tech side of things.

[00:14:22]She's a senior sys- system architect.

[00:14:25]And the goal whole point was to get people that had very little experience at the club to actually get some experience.

[00:14:32]Um Uh it was a bit of a mess, I'll be honest. Uh I wasn't planning to for my personal uh semester to get so bumpy across the way.

[00:14:43]Um but it worked out. That's that has been my focus this semester. I also did a bunch of lectures like events.

[00:14:52]Uh I presented alongside two professors lecturing about uh artificial intelligence and prompt engineering.

[00:14:59]Um right now I'm building like a bunch of starter packs. So, they we have like so we have some really cool projects and then for example, I'm building like a restaurant scraper so teams don't have to constantly rebuild it. Um and then they can just build even more cool stuff on top of that kind of like like getting data from papers. It's a it's a a whole different net of um data science and trying to get opportunities for people.

[00:15:28]Uh I am involved in a lot of aspects of that uh to the point where I can't be fully on medical leave uh because I am I still get emails every once in a while every day actually. [laughter] Uh There's some days I wake up and it's like I have 20 emails in my inbox about different data club stuff. It's like I live in a cannot take a break kind of >> [laughter] >> but I love it. I love it. I love it.

[00:15:53]It's been a huge part of what I the social aspect. Yeah, it seems like you have so much social impact on people through your technology and your knowledge. Um also you got recognition from uh the Notre Dame um library. Yes. 2025 Uh yes. Yeah? Um Would you like to talk about your project? Yeah, it's um that one was that one was interesting. Uh I did it for a class. I was it one of the writing requirements was writing and rhetoric.

[00:16:26]Um I wrote an essay. They had this uh research competition in Hesburgh.

[00:16:32]Sorry. Uh they had this research competition in Hesburgh which is our library.

[00:16:37]Um and they have like the annual research library awards.

[00:16:43]Um I published I sent my paper. I didn't really expect much.

[00:16:47]And I won the center for digital scholarship award.

[00:16:51]Uh which is like a the award for the for um for the institute.

[00:17:00]Uh I was really proud of it especially cuz it was a topic I'm uh particularly interested about. It was um kind of looking at statistics of sexual assault uh which has been a focus of mine. Um just something I've been thinking about constantly.

[00:17:17]Um I Um I managed I had a project called Ready Report which was like a uh community platform for people to do anonymous reporting that our university didn't really have. Um being obsessed with data, I uh I look a lot about underreporting in that area.

[00:17:38]Um it touches I I've I've had really close friends that have had to go through this stuff like that.

[00:17:44]Um and it's um I I I do feel it's like a there's better systems and I it's it's been an opportunity for both for me cuz I I use it to teach other people how to code. I grabbed like 10 CS majors and I taught them React which is like web development at the same time as I was building this application.

[00:18:11]Um which was also part of that research award. Um I am currently disappointed on the paper, actually. I look um cuz it got published by the university. Um and I look at it and I'm like, this is so bad.

[00:18:25]Uh so yeah, I'm currently in the process of rewriting that entire paper [laughter] to be something I'm actually proud of.

[00:18:30]Uh but it's it's it's that's another side of uh that has a little bit of an important part of my journey.

[00:18:39]Um the recognition part is that's just uh interesting side on. I don't really care about much about the recognition.

[00:18:47]>> [laughter] >> Um the $250 was nice, though.

[00:18:52]>> [laughter] >> That was that was I'll I'll take that any day. But um I it it was I think it's been a doing that kind of has got me excited with Lockheed Martin research.

[00:19:04]Uh which is now something I'm really interested about and been like been exploring further. Okay. Well, um looking more into the social impact it's had on people, um, and how it is a thing that is real as sexual assault, uh, we'd like to maybe Would you like to talk more or guide us through, uh, how your mental health kind of evolved, uh, from high school or even earlier on stages going to college?

[00:19:32]Yeah, of course. So, my mental health journey, um, feels weird calling it that, but there's no other way to call it. Started it at eight. I I can't really say. I I know it's eight.

[00:19:47]Uh, around eight, probably seven. I'm not really sure. Um, there were two major major catalysts. There was uh, my dad had a very severe accident, uh, where he was hospitalized in the US.

[00:20:00]That was actually my first time visiting the US.

[00:20:02]Um, we had to go to the Mayo Clinic.

[00:20:05]Um, he had multiple surgeries. Uh, so I had to live with like this fear like he was going to die. Long story.

[00:20:12]Uh, but that's kind of like my first moment where mental health struggles started to appear.

[00:20:18]Um, my uh, at my first school I I got bullied.

[00:20:22]So, that was also another aspect that really triggered that mental health side of things. This These two things were happening simultaneously.

[00:20:30]Um, that's um, when I when you're a child it's like really does mess with your brain. It does mess with it a a lot.

[00:20:42]Um, and then then that transition to Needle was really helpful.

[00:20:47]Um, and that's where I developed my my high school my high school career, uh, joined in middle school, had to be hospitalized for like around 2 months, um, for recovery, and it's and then I finished my journey at Needle. I One of the funniest things for me is that during the hospitalization, I got told that I had You know the term Montessori, right?

[00:21:16]Montessori Montessori is like a a specific kind of school which is It's not necessarily grade space or performance based, but more learn by doing, which is an interesting concept. But it's it removes a lot of the rigorous academic process.

[00:21:36]And I I remember one of the doctors saying in one of these table discussions that I I am not able to do I am A, not smart enough to be able to succeed academically at a place like Nido. Two, that I would not be able to tolerate the academic pressure.

[00:21:54]And three, that I The only way I have any chance of succeeding is to go to a Montessori school and try to live through and try to recover in life.

[00:22:02]That was like my I was 13 at the time. And those were the words that a doctor told me.

[00:22:10]So, I am very stubborn.

[00:22:14]And if you tell me I can't do something, I will definitely try and do it. I think I did pretty well.

[00:22:19]High school was tough. It was a lot of the rigorous process. The IB was one of still of the hardest experiences I've ever had.

[00:22:27]I made a lot of like lifelong friends along the way. I called two of them very recently.

[00:22:35]I do really really cherish my memories from Nido and my high school.

[00:22:38]That was a yeah, very very important moment in my life.

[00:22:45]And it has that emotional aspect related to both mental health and the social aspect.

[00:22:49]Then the transition to college was It was difficult, I would say.

[00:22:56]There is especially the months you have to go preparing and the fear of I'm going to somewhere completely different.

[00:23:05]Um that was uh it was an interesting process.

[00:23:08]But um I in terms of the high school experience I that was it was difficult but it gave me a chance to be more normal and it gave me a chance to challenge myself in a way that no one thought I ever could.

[00:23:29]Uh and I do really love to prove people wrong.

[00:23:33]Uh that's my whole mentality. So it was a very important moment for me. Well, you did prove the doctor wrong.

[00:23:41]That's for sure. Uh well, honestly it's the best way to kind of prove them wrong, you right?

[00:23:51]>> It's You did everything that he said you wouldn't do.

[00:23:55]Um and then going into no into college, hm? Uh do you think that change again supported your growth and Um absolu- I think absolutely. It it's it's a difficult transition for anyone.

[00:24:11]Um especially for any international student. You're going to this new environment, this uh what is basically a new reality.

[00:24:20]Um kind of to emphasize how weird it is for me to be there and how unusual the experience was, how out of place I felt. Um to this I remember uh I with the first time I got asked "What are you?"

[00:24:42]Uh Um that's and the funniest thing is I've heard that question so many times. So many times. I I was traveling in the in the metro in Chicago and I had someone someone stopped me randomly and asked me, "What are you?" Uh I'm like, "What do you know?" then they were like, are you sure you're not Afro-Latino? It's You feel out of place both in every single sense.

[00:25:07]Um both cuz you're terrified of not Well, is my English good enough? Is Am I academically worth it? Am I Am I meant to be here?

[00:25:18]It's It's a lot. It's a lot. Uh Um and you have that whole other aspect that you are by nature um exotic.

[00:25:27]Um that's the best way to put it. You are exotic. Uh and all those things make you feel out of place.

[00:25:37]Um and it makes the adaptation really, really hard.

[00:25:40]Uh the adaptation process. It's Uh it wasn't easy. I don't think it was easy, but it Um And that all of course still say takes a toll on your mental health.

[00:25:53]Um I The main thing that it helped me was um like take um taking things slow. I I do really think that was Um I would I never really expect things to work out at the first.

[00:26:13]Um it's It hurts. It sucks. It's bad.

[00:26:18]But I gave it a whole semester, and things really improved. I gave it two semesters, and things really improved.

[00:26:25]Uh I don't Things don't Things don't start up magical, and that's I see that first hand.

[00:26:31]I think that has helped me a lot adapting to college. Like it's not it's not something where you should go and expect um sunshine and rainbows.

[00:26:42]Um that's not life in general.

[00:26:45]Uh that doesn't make it ugly overall. Um that doesn't make college it experience.

[00:26:52]I I do think life is so beautiful. I do think college is still an amazing experience.

[00:26:56]Uh but the point you're expecting sunshine and rainbows, I am so sorry you're not getting that. There's There's difficulties everywhere. Yeah. Uh you have to recognize that. I find it really interesting. Do you think maybe the struggles you faced earlier earlier on in your life kind of shaped uh your mentality right now? Uh yes.

[00:27:17]100%.

[00:27:18]Uh I I I do sometimes wonder if part of me is grateful all that stuff that happened to me.

[00:27:26]Um um cuz I'm proud of the person I am today. I am not sure if I would have I would be the same person I am if all that didn't happen.

[00:27:36]Um and so it's it's a I definitely uh I'm not going to wish that upon anyone, but like uh I I I'm not particularly I don't have fond memories of that uh period of my life.

[00:27:51]Uh but I do think it's shaped me and to make the best of this.

[00:27:57]Um in general with mental health struggle, that's the thing you can um you you have to develop some kind of the the only way you can It's not a thing of like pure willpower. I might touch on that a little later, but it's It's not a thing of like you just have to push through cuz a lot of people just You you got to You have to keep living. That's It's not not the whole picture.

[00:28:24]Um but part of overcoming it is being okay with part of you not being fully okay.

[00:28:34]Um and getting used to discomfort.

[00:28:38]And that has helped me a lot and that I think that's the main aspect of my journey that has helped me all through all.

[00:28:48]Being unfamiliar with situations.

[00:28:51]Sorry? Yeah, maybe the unfamiliarity with some situations. Absolutely.

[00:28:55]Possibly. Yeah.

[00:28:56]Pushing to grow. And how do you think cuz you mentioned that IB was a hard moment, obviously academic pressure.

[00:29:06]Um, how did you balance this with your well-being? And I mean I I I think I did pretty pretty well, I hope. Um, it was still academically draining.

[00:29:20]Uh, I am going to go on a I'm going to say something crazy, but I do mean it by every way.

[00:29:27]The IB, those 3 weeks of exams were harder than any period in college academically.

[00:29:34]The content is harder. I had a discussion with uh, one of my friends from middle recently. The content is much harder in college, absolutely. But the the IB, it breaks you. It challenges you not just in terms of academics, but in terms of how much stuff it throws at you and expects you to just learn.

[00:29:52]Um, and you just have to go figure it out.

[00:29:55]And be perfect in so many different things all at the same time.

[00:30:00]That is wild.

[00:30:03]>> [laughter] >> And looking back, I am still like I don't think I can do that again. And I don't know how I did that.

[00:30:11]Um, I do think it's the well-being part of it, yes, it was challenging. Um, um, my sleep schedule was better than than it was now. Uh, somehow. I don't know what happened along the way, but um, the sleep schedule thing definitely helped not go crazy with the IB.

[00:30:34]Um, I I think having friends that understood like friends that were going through it.

[00:30:40]You mentioned like trauma bonding.

[00:30:41]Trauma bonding.

[00:30:43]>> [laughter] >> That's a really good way to build new things, trouble bonding.

[00:30:48]But the idea is really trouble bonding.

[00:30:52]I I think it's finding I I I think it's remembering the good When I go back and look at the good memories, a lot of those were during VIP during [clears throat] the very intense periods.

[00:31:06]Having friends along the way, even some who were not really suffering Sawyer, I am looking at you. Uh >> [laughter] >> who encouraged surviving while we were all in pain trying to cram three different exams.

[00:31:20]You know, it was annoying. It was frustrating. Uh but having like a different group of people with different experiences Um we all get along in some shape or form. That was I think that was definitely uh something definitely something that helped my overall well-being.

[00:31:40]Uh Yeah.

[00:31:43]I do really think it's people at the end of the day.

[00:31:46]>> [clears throat] >> But I mean that's very interesting. And more than our generation as sophomores we're entering the IB as well. I mean, it is it is good to have a community like that is going through the same thing as you and a group of friends.

[00:31:59]And you probably feel the same way now in college. Right?

[00:32:03]I imagine.

[00:32:05]Um Speaking more about those cases of kind of burnout um did you take some time maybe like maybe vacation or time to recover and move on from some things? And did that help you or do you have any other maybe coping mechanisms?

[00:32:26]This is in college or in high school? In general, maybe both of you. Cuz I I do think the burnout definitely happened in high school. Like after the three weeks, I was I was questioning my purpose. It was It was bad. It was really bad. I don't need to scare anyone. The IB If you survive the IB, you're ready for anything academically. I do promise that. Um but that's I think that was the most burnt out I've been.

[00:32:55]Um I don't think I've been close to burnt out in college. That's the reality. Uh and during that period, it was It It definitely a It was a It wasn't like take a vacation and that's over with. That's not I don't think that was the solution. But having some time to like look back and spend it with friends and have that like success period after, like recognize what we did during that struggle.

[00:33:25]Um again, it all It all goes back to people. Uh people you care about. I think that's that's always something I I've really appreciated.

[00:33:34]Uh and something that really helps you get through it.

[00:33:37]Um regarding college, I know it is confusing cuz I am currently on medical leave.

[00:33:44]Um uh and people usually do associate medical leave with burnout.

[00:33:50]I wish it was burnout.

[00:33:52]Uh that's that's a different kind of different kind of issue.

[00:33:57]Um uh that I I I don't know if you want me to touch up on it though a bit on it. Uh kind of uh wire over here. Uh so a year ago, I developed a genetic condition. Uh it's called hypokalemic I think it's called hypokalemic periodic paralysis. Um I did I I tried to make fun of it I mean like a bubble like bubble tea PSA recently on my Instagram where I tried to just put bubble pictures and just kind of explain a a bit what's happening uh to to like lighten the mood.

[00:34:33]I did actually appear my condition did appear on an episode of The Bit, which was hilarious. Uh but it's at the end of the day it's you have it's a genetic condition. It's really boring cuz then it's related to sodium channels and like for any bio biology and chemistry majors that's kind of something you would study.

[00:34:54]Um I do think I studied the sodium but channels in biology. I never thought they would cause paralysis.

[00:35:00]>> [laughter] >> Uh but it it is related to that.

[00:35:04]Um so I how it manifests is I have usually after intense exercise or like a large dose of carbohydrates, um drastic change in temperatures or just very intense emotions or periods. Um just because I'm have really bad luck and sometimes feel like it just has to come and I've been too happy for too long. Uh it I have a paralysis episode that goes from all the way it can be like 3 minutes um to 2 hours.

[00:35:42]Uh where I am completely rigid.

[00:35:46]Uh I feel them coming so I don't fall to the ground.

[00:35:49]Um but I do have to sit down so I don't fall to the ground. [laughter] Uh I just become I become like a statue and it's not a fun experience. I would not recommend.

[00:36:01]Uh but I I dealt that for like a year.

[00:36:04]Uh with no idea what's happening. Um I got misdiagnosed so many times.

[00:36:12]Uh so so many times. I cannot express enough how many times I got misdiagnosed.

[00:36:17]Um and that built kind of like a desperation.

[00:36:23]Um which in itself brought back a long of mental health struggles.

[00:36:29]Um So that that's kind of the interesting part. Something that seems so unrelated to mental health.

[00:36:37]Um no one is expecting a genetic condition to develop a genetic condition that causes you paralysis. That's not something that people have in their bucket list.

[00:36:46]Uh I hope.

[00:36:48]>> [laughter] >> And uh and then and then it somehow still had in some shape or form and manifested in some type of mental health struggle.

[00:37:01]Uh due to the desperation, the anxiety, and like the uncertainty of it all.

[00:37:06]Um it was it was a very difficult last year.

[00:37:10]It It was very very hard. Um and it's it was I think it was infuriating in some regard how you feel yourself losing your body.

[00:37:22]Like at some point I couldn't go up the stairs. I couldn't I was barely able to walk.

[00:37:27]Um and even then burnout was not a thing I would I I The reality is I stopped caring about classes. I did the bare minimum. I turned in my homeworks and I started doing homework 2 hours before it was due.

[00:37:45]And then my mentality was, "Okay, which one has the lesser penalty for being late?"

[00:37:51]Uh but that was kind of how I prioritized things cuz my mind was I have to a try to find some happiness in life and two have time to recover. That was my day. Everything else came second.

[00:38:04]Um which came with uh la- not cleaning my room, not doing showers, like a lot of things people would associate with depression.

[00:38:14]Oh well, I was just physically unable to move. Uh not a particularly fun experience. But that's that's a little bit about That's not necessarily burnout.

[00:38:25]But it it's weird it while I don't think anyone watching, I hope. If you are, I am so sorry. This is terrible and I wish you the very best.

[00:38:37]But if I do hope no one else has paralysis that's listening to this.

[00:38:42]Uh but everyone has met a circumstance where life like throws you a punch and you have no idea you were not expecting it.

[00:38:52]Um whether that's death, whether there's a lot of different things, whether that's you develop a mental health condition, just punches you and you were like you didn't even know where it's coming from. Um that burnout is just one of the many ways it manifests.

[00:39:09]Um and it's it's a it's difficult. It's difficult. It's difficult, but it's it's something I think you Um you somehow get through it, I hope.

[00:39:23]Uh Uh I was lucky enough to have people to help me get through it. Uh that's something I I will forever be grateful for.

[00:39:30]And um do you feel like I mean it sounds so hard that it affects like your daily life even. Like simple things like yeah, cleaning your room. Um I mean it must have been very hard to try to keep up with that. People I mean people around you, your friends or even uh the college institution itself, do they support you in Um yes. Yes. Uh my girlfriend was the absolute uh she was the best. Um I could not have wished for a better partner to help me through that. I will forever be lucky for that. Um My parents um I from the perspective of the parents like you don't understand what's happening and I do I'm talking about me right now but I hope this can apply to many different people how what you might not have one, you might not have the other but we all have some type of person that helps us through things.

[00:40:32]Um and if not we do definitely have some people that care. Um sometimes you don't realize but there's definitely someone.

[00:40:40]Um for me it was my my girlfriend, my parents, my friends, my roommates, um cuz I switched roommates after the first year after my first year roommates moved into a six man. Uh and then yeah, I don't know still I am still hoping. I don't know how this he survived that but I my second year both of them were completely amazing through this period. Uh a bunch of my other friends they it's weird cuz whether it's this, whether it's kind of the mental health side of things, people don't know what you're going through. Like they even it's how do you explain that?

[00:41:25]Um and even if you explain it, understanding it is a different thing.

[00:41:30]Um and yet some people have like showed me that I don't like I don't understand what you're going through but I still want to be there to support you and that's something that that's more than I could ever ask for and I wish that I'm not the only one that's going through something like this.

[00:41:46]Um it is it is something really really special and um like what I mentioned before with how I started my mental health struggles, uh I could have never dreamed that. I could have never dreamed that I would have people in my life like that.

[00:42:05]Uh I started off with like uh I called it like the my old school had like a hierarchy.

[00:42:13]Um, and then had like a dungeon at the bottom.

[00:42:16]Uh, like the nerd it's like a very classical like Chilean school kind of thing. Like if where you have like the nerds at the bottom and then you but except they had like a dungeon for people that would even be below that category. That's how I describe it.

[00:42:35]That's how I like to describe it. Um, and I was I was at the bottom. I was the punching bag.

[00:42:40]>> [laughter] >> Uh, I never thought I would have like if you come from that where no where people are afraid to be your friend cuz that would that would make them targets of the same thing you're going through.

[00:42:54]Um, and then you go to being first of all in high school that you have so many people that care about you.

[00:43:01]Um, like I still remember I did my Chinese test. I was the only person in my high school who took the IB Chinese exam.

[00:43:09]And I had two I had two papers. Um, I for one I was alone in like an entire lecture hall and I I do have a picture of me just sitting in the entire lecture hall. You guys know the lecture hall, right? The seats and all. It's it was completely empty. And it was just me.

[00:43:25]And my and and a random teacher cuz my teacher also left. Uh, so I was the only student with no teacher, no classmates.

[00:43:32]Um, and a random teacher doing my test.

[00:43:34]And there's that picture of me which is still funny to this day.

[00:43:38]And the second paper I took it at the same time as the math HL kids. Math HL, which is like the math the highest level like math AA HL.

[00:43:48]Um, all of them were incredibly [clears throat] smart. I I I knew a bunch of them but I I didn't I wasn't necessarily close with all of them.

[00:43:56]It's like this whole section of people um, and me just being the Chinese exam.

[00:44:02]>> [laughter] >> And I still remember it was Um, and then I think it was Um he's a vice principal now. Um Oh, Mr. Sophie?

[00:44:16]>> Mr. Sophie, thank you.

[00:44:18]I saw him a couple days ago. I forgot I don't know why I forgot his name, but it was Mr. Sophie and he was like making a joke and he said, "Okay, now everyone with a tiny six-pack walk in first."

[00:44:28]Uh no one there was just me.

[00:44:31]I still remember walking into that hall and everyone clapping behind me.

[00:44:35]And I was [clears throat] like, "How did I get here? How how did how did I how did that kid that no one ever wanted to talk to have so many people that care about him?" So, that's I think that's where you hear me mention people people people that's cuz it's one of the things I will forever be grateful for.

[00:44:54]Um and I do think it's something so so important that it they usually goes under appreciated. Mhm.

[00:45:01]Well, I mean yeah, definitely. I think everyone has a support needs a support mechanism as you said.

[00:45:08]And that is mostly people, I guess.

[00:45:13]Um and now that we have more information or like that you explained a bit more, I mean, it's never going to be I think you are you said before and it is true that people are never going to fully understand what you're going through.

[00:45:30]Um but they can try to be present and help through. And yeah, just by being there, I think that already makes a difference for sure.

[00:45:40]Um and I know there are people right now in high school that are going through some difficulties and whether it's mental health or family or pressure. I mean, yeah, it all relates back to wellness.

[00:45:52]Um I think people like you that have this kind of journey, but that managed to maybe not of course overcome it because it is a journey, but they have gotten like achievements.

[00:46:07]>> Mhm. It's like some level of peace like some level of there's some level of success there, right? I know what you mean.

[00:46:14]I think how do you I mean that I think it is inspiring for others um to knowing that there is hope for I mean yeah, for things like this to happen.

[00:46:29]And uh what would you like tell them in the Yeah, I I I For anyone who's going through something right now. Yeah, I I think first of all it's um you will hear a lot of like I think whenever someone tells you a story about what they've gone through, your first instinct is to be like their story is so much worse, I'm going through nothing.

[00:46:55]Like if anyone like if someone's thing is listening to what I'm going through like and thinking that, please stop.

[00:47:02]Like this is not something you rank.

[00:47:05]Like you we're not we don't have like categories of how much suffering. This is not a competition. I think everyone that's especially like an environment like needle where you have where it's it's competition is a part of it, but like uh like it's some level of you're trying to prove yourself to some degree. Maybe not necessarily to your classmates, but to yourself. Like you have some bar that you're trying to achieve.

[00:47:29]Um >> [clears throat] >> So, I think especially for a lot of people when you talk about mental health, you you're trying to see whether your struggle is justified.

[00:47:44]Um I know that happened to me a lot and in my like one of the main things I would tell anyone is just please stop.

[00:47:53]Please stop cuz that's your your if um if you're trying to tell me what you're going through is not justified, I you're lying to me and you're lying to yourself. Uh that's that sounds harsh, but I do think it has to be harsh.

[00:48:08]Cuz the first step in any mental health journey is accepting that what you're going through is valid.

[00:48:14]Um and I think a step that people don't recognize enough is that people don't accept that what they're going through is valid.

[00:48:21]Um and it's not enough that it's but like people are going through worse.

[00:48:26]I've had a people that say, "Well, people are starving." Yeah, that that that's okay. If you would there's a war.

[00:48:31]Like of course there's stuff going on that you might you might put in a category above yours, but that doesn't mean your problems are not valid.

[00:48:41]That you don't have a justification to feel the way you do.

[00:48:45]Um especially that you don't have a justification to uh to feel like you've lost a sense of purpose. Um it happens. It happens and the first thing you have to do is like be accepting of yourself in that regard.

[00:49:02]And I know it's easier said than done.

[00:49:04]But um the moment you stop judging yourself for what you're going through is the moment you can start the process.

[00:49:13]Otherwise, you can't even get started.

[00:49:16]Um that's what like that's the first thing I would say.

[00:49:22]Um the second is um part of it is I think a large part of mental health struggles is self-hate as well. Like you you put yourself down. It's not necessarily you cuz it's not an intentional decision. It's um part of it you do feel like your brain becomes an enemy at some point. Like it's working against you.

[00:49:47]Um and it's constantly constantly putting yourself down.

[00:49:52]Um And people say like I'm not good enough or like when they're describing these kinds of thoughts. Sometimes they're much worse. Sometimes they're much worse and they Um I don't think people are comfortable saying how low they think of themselves once they're going through something.

[00:50:10]Um and I I hope if anyone else going through that can also like as you're thinking about these things just look at what you've done cuz being alive in that moment is a already a greater success that you can imagine.

[00:50:34]The fact you have survived to the point where you're doubting yourself that is an achievement in itself.

[00:50:41]Um and I don't think that goes appreciated enough.

[00:50:45]That survival in itself is something you should be proud of.

[00:50:50]Um especially when you're going through mental health struggles. Um suicidal ideation is a huge part of it. Maybe people have it, maybe people don't.

[00:50:59]But at the point you're struggling and you look yourself down, the fact you survived all this this time and you the fact you're still going even if you're rotting in bed or whatever the fact you're still here is already an accomplishment in itself.

[00:51:16]Um and you have to move on from there.

[00:51:20]Um and celebrate the little wins. Every little win matters.

[00:51:24]And there's no big win that comes without the little ones.

[00:51:28]Um I think I'm more proud of the little steps I've taken. Like you mentioned the library award, I completely care about that. Like I love the library. Hasbrouck has been one of my safest place. I got a job there. I actually rejected a machine learning intern machine learning research like job to work at the library.

[00:51:47]That's how much It was like a safe space for me. It was something somewhere I felt really comfortable.

[00:51:53]Um so, getting an award from them is something I do truly truly appreciate and respect.

[00:51:58]The award itself means nothing to me.

[00:52:01]That's that's another thing.

[00:52:03]Um it mattered more who gave it to me than the award itself.

[00:52:07]Um what what mattered was the fact I managed to do all the steps to get it. I think those matter way more. And in that same way, the little steps I got to being to where I am matter way more than the university I got to or like what the grade I got at high school or my GPA in college. It's It's I think I will I like I don't put that and the people that have felt me and the experiences I've had nowhere near the same level.

[00:52:41]I I think you can tell how much I've been talking about like random moments that I hold so dear. And they're very random. They're They're not associated to any accomplishment or whatever.

[00:52:53]Um but they're little steps. They're little steps. They're little steps. And they don't Those matter so much more than you give yourself credit to.

[00:53:02]So, yeah. Um I think that's my two takeaways for I don't want to go to like way beyond that cuz it's it's it has to start. I think that's the hardest part.

[00:53:17]I I will say like I'll just as a last comment, it's not linear.

[00:53:22]It's definitely not linear. Like success um I might be a success story today and tomorrow I might be down again.

[00:53:30]Um it's that's life. I was a success story the moment I graduated. I felt like better than I ever did. Um well, like wasn't really planning on developing into that condition, but then I fell down again. It's It's not like you grab me at different points in my life, and it's ups and downs. That's the the reality of it.

[00:53:52]Uh you don't expect a straight line, and it's not fair um for anyone for anyone going through any type of struggle. It's not fair.

[00:54:02]Um but but you're doing it. You're doing it. You're surviving. You're keep going, and I think that's more than enough to be proud of.

[00:54:12]Uh that Those are my I I said I was going to say two, but I think those are three. Those are three takeaways I for anyone going through anything. Okay.

[00:54:20]Um okay, well, lastly, kind of closing, um I would like to know how uh how um your condition right now obviously it's not something that uh is obviously it's causing you of course struggles and pain like obviously uh but it has taken you here to Chile.

[00:54:44]Um so there are things probably that I mean now um you're here with us and you're kind of you're going to spread your voice to so many students that are probably going to really appreciate this. I know myself people are going through hard things, and I I hope that this conversation is going to help them.

[00:55:06]So do you think like each thing that happens to you in life maybe as you said can be given back to society and the people that you care about? Yeah, I think that's a really good point.

[00:55:23]Um I absolutely. I don't um I I don't think it's like some people say like it was meant to be, and then you have and there's always something good in the bad.

[00:55:37]I think that kind of d- makes you you have to recognize, yeah, the situation is bad. I Uh it is unfair. It is a lot of things and like forever whatever type of struggle, it's important be like not ignoring that part. Like it's okay to feel bad about the injustice that you're going through.

[00:55:59]However, um I think what you brought up is really important that it's well, you can you can take it down and like just go there and rot in bed, um feel bad about oneself, which you would be justified for, I think.

[00:56:17]But it's self-damaging. I don't think it's self- I don't think you're doing a benefit to yourself.

[00:56:23]It's not about whether it's right or wrong. It's about um well, you're I'm right here right now.

[00:56:32]Um I have this opportunity. Um I I I will do the best with it. Might not be necessarily standing for something good.

[00:56:41]Um but I I again, I've learned my life from people wrong.

[00:56:47]Um and part of that is proving like the stuff that injustices with the negative stuff that happens to me.

[00:56:56]I like having some control over that.

[00:56:59]Um and there's I think there's nothing that says lack of control as paralysis.

[00:57:02]Like if there's not there's no definite I think if you think of the definition of helpless, like paralysis is what comes up.

[00:57:10]Um like there's no it's like a lack of control.

[00:57:14]Um and it's still at that point having some control of what I do with what it comes to it from it.

[00:57:22]I'll take it any day. I definitely think there's a lot of value and a lot of good you can come from that.

[00:57:28]Um from the worst from from any kind of situation, It's It's an I guess it's an opportunity step for me. And if you go searching for them.

[00:57:38]Okay.

[00:57:39]It feels like a Like at the end it's giving you purpose to continue and and learning great things that can be used to improve society. Mhm. And and the >> [clears throat] >> things you've done already, like the project for example. I bet that has helped people.

[00:58:03]I mean that is the idea and intention.

[00:58:05]Hopefully. Uh hopefully I think it's not enough.

[00:58:08]Yeah. Um I think it that I I don't think it's been enough.

[00:58:12]Still have a lot more work to do.

[00:58:14]Uh I know what you mean, but I there's uh still a lot more work to be done and I hope to be I I hope to keep doing it uh and I'm here and I'll keep doing it as long as I'm physically able to.

[00:58:26]Yeah. So your motivation for other people that um are struggling or don't feel like they're on the downfall of kind of the motivation the the motivation kind of roller coaster. When they're down, do you think that sense of purpose and helping others is what might bring them up again?

[00:58:50]>> Yeah. I I I think for a lot of people, yeah. Um I think everyone has something they I truly enjoy.

[00:58:57]Uh I think one of the problems is that we don't give enough time to for people to find it.

[00:59:02]Or if someone has a passion in art or whatever, like it's just a hobby or it's Yeah, it's maybe just a hobby for It doesn't matter if it's deemed a meaningless or whatever.

[00:59:14]In those moments, just search the most childish or sorry, but stupid. Like it doesn't matter. It can be childish, it can be stupid. If there's There's that brings you any type of joy, just do it.

[00:59:28]I like become If you want to become hyper obsessed with it, do it. Like you deserve it. You you you deserve that chance, even if everyone's saying you don't. I like I promise you it you do deserve it.

[00:59:41]I I don't even know who you are, but like I I I do know you deserve it cuz I don't think that's I don't think that's something that is based on any type of merit or yeah. I I I think there's there's There's something good from that.

[01:00:00]And there's something there's some purpose you can get from anything.

[01:00:04]Wow.

[01:00:05]All right. You guys heard it.