The Self Checkout Machine Broke Me (Irish Pub Song)

Añadido: 2026-05-12

[00:00:00]The rain was coming down in buckets, I was soaked right to the skin. I only needed three small [music] bits before the night set in. A head of cabbage and rashers and a drop of milk [music] for tea, but the queue at the till was back as far as the eye could see. [music] Some woman with a trolley load of stuff she'd never use, while I'm standing there in puddles leaking [music] out of both me shoes. I saw the self-service empty blue lights blinking at the [music] wall. I thought I'll be out in a minute. Was I ever right at all?

[00:00:30]I grabbed the head of [music] cabbage and the barcode never showed. I'm stabbing at the screen like I'm decrypting Morse code. "Select your item." says the box. I'm looking for the greens. [music] I'm stuck behind a menu full of organic soya beans. I found the cabbage [music] button, dropped it down and heard A BEEP. I THOUGHT, "RIGHT, so I'm flying. This is easy. This is cheap." But the machine [music] was only waiting like a snake in save the grass.

[00:00:55]It let me have one victory [music] then it bit me in the ass.

[00:00:59]I swiped the pack of rashers, but the scanner wouldn't bite. The plastic's limp [music] and floppy and it's folding out of sight. I'm wrestling with the barcode like a man in a bare-knuckle fight. Then I dropped them in the bag and [music] triggered off the light.

[00:01:14]"Unexpected item." says the voice all high and dry. [music] I took the rashers out and looked the camera in the eye. "REPLACE THE ITEM."

[00:01:21]now she's shouting. So I put them back again. Now I'm arguing with [music] a plastic box like a mad and desperate man. Oh, I'm jabbing at the glass and I'm losing all me head. I should have stayed home or I should have stayed in bed. [music] I don't want a robot voice.

[00:01:37]I don't want a screen. I'm redder than a beetroot and I'm fit to burst me spleen.

[00:01:45]>> [music] >> I tried [music] to scan the milk just to make the shouting stop, but the whole thing had a seizure in the middle of the shop. The amber light starts spinning like a massive flashing [music] flare, like I'd walked in with a shotgun and said, "Put your hands in the air." Up walks a lad of 17, his trousers halfway [music] down. He's looking at me like I'm the biggest eejit in the town. He swipes his card, says nothing and he's gone without [music] a word.

[00:02:22]And leaves me standing at the machine like a man that no one heard.

[00:02:30]60 [music] euro 45, I pulled me wallet from me coat and I fished out the 50, a lovely [music] honest note. I fed it to the slot, but the slot began to cough.

[00:02:40]It spat it back at me as if to tell ME, "PISS RIGHT OFF." I FLATTENED [music] IT, I FLIPPED IT, I nearly gave the thing a kiss. I've never had a human [music] look at 50 quid like this. "It's money." I was shouting. "It's got the watermark."

[00:02:56]They told [music] me these machines were meant to be [ __ ] smart.

[00:03:03]The note [music] went in eventually and then I heard the sound like a [music] load of gravel spilling on the ground.

[00:03:12]It vomited a fist of [music] copper tuppences and ones.

[00:03:16]I'm clawing at the plastic cup [music] with fingers thick as thumbs. "I can't get a grip." The queue behind is huffing at me back.

[00:03:26]The supervisor's yawning while I'm having a [music] heart attack.

[00:03:30]I'm standing there with pockets full of shrapnel and of shame.

[00:03:35]The nuisance of this shite makes me [music] regret I ever came.

[00:03:41]Then it spits [music] a bit of paper out, a receipt 3 inches wide. NO, IT'S 4 FOOT [music] LONG. Me dignity has died.

[00:03:50]I've to get out through the gate, I have to scan the bloody scroll. Like I'm trying to enter heaven and they're checking for [music] a soul. I stepped out in the rain jingling like a bag [music] of nails, the kind of day that puts a man inside the county jails. I looked at that cabbage [music] and I made meself a vow.

[00:04:10]Next time I'll wait in the queue.

[00:04:14]And I mean it this time now.

[00:04:22]Hey.