1 in 5 Americans Left Religion | What Nobody Tells You About It (Especially If You're Queer)

Added: 2026-05-11

[00:00:00]People like you and me, quietly and not so quietly, walked away from religion.

[00:00:04]And churches were shocked. They didn't know what to do. I saw an article recently that said this was slowing down, that the great exodus was was slowing now. And we might see that in younger people who are like going back to church. And that's like seen as this great thing within churches. And yet there's no conversation in any meaningful way about why those of us who left left. And there's very little conversation among those of us who left as what we do with that now. Hey everybody, I'm Kelly. Welcome back to another episode of Ask a Therapist.

[00:00:35]There's a difference between drifting away from your religion, kind of not believing it anymore, not being sure as to what you believe, so you don't necessarily go to your house of worship anymore, and walking away. And the majority of people who are queer are walking or pushed away if they're leaving. And that's a big difference.

[00:00:57]Because after you've spent many, many years trying to fit yourself inside of a box that people have given you to tell you who exactly you are, who they want you to be, when you can't do that anymore, you do have to leave because they've told you that. And then you're left with the question, "If I'm not who they said I was, who am I?" Today I want to talk to you about that Pew research that people are talking about. 22% of Americans are formerly religious. So, this this number of almost a quarter of adults in America are people who were Christian at one time. This is specific to Christianity. Almost a quarter of Americans were Christian at one time, and now no longer are. Like by choice no longer are. That's a lot of people. Now, in 2024, Pew research came out with the 28% stat that was talked about a lot, also. 28% of American adults classify as "nones," n o n e s, not n u n. And that is to say that they don't believe in necessarily anything. Under that umbrella would be people who are agnostic, people who are atheists, people who are somewhere in between the two. You know, there's there's a lot of different things under that, but they still classify as like no religious affiliation. And then as recently as like 1990, which isn't necessarily super recent, but when we're talking about statistics and polling, it is kind of recent. In the 1990s, which I guess you maybe consider Christianity as heyday in America, 90% of Americans would call themselves Christians. So, it's a big difference considering now it's about 2/3. What the data doesn't talk about and can't talk about because this data is because it is such an individual thing, is what it costs someone to leave. Especially when your identity was already complicated before you ever walked out the door. Cuz here's the thing, for many people who are leaving religion, it's like a gradual loosening of those locks. It You stop necessarily believing in some of the things that are said during the sermons. You maybe don't go as much. You get a little bit busy.

[00:02:52]It drops off of your radar. And then sooner or later it just isn't as important to you. But that drifting is called a soft disaffiliation by most sociologists. For queer people, it's very rarely a soft disaffiliation. For most of us, leaving religion is a choice between living authentically or the community, sometimes the only community that you've ever known. Which is not a theological debate then. That's a survival decision. It's an individual survival decision. And most people aren't prepared to have that conversation. Especially not most churches prepared to have that conversation. People who left, they're not prepared to have it because it's still too deep. And there are very few places to put that energy because very few people understand what it means.

[00:03:36]What I see, both professionally and in my own life, having done this, when you make that kind of a decision, you don't just lose a church. You lose framework for meaning, a community that held your grief and your celebration, a story about who who are and why you matter, Sometimes your family of origin and often your understanding of self. And the research backs this up. Here's another piece of research that very rarely gets talked about. Among Americans who have left their childhood religion and no longer identify as religious, nearly one in three have cut off communication with at least one family member. And 39% of people who left evangelical traditions report feeling lonely or isolated from those around them at least part of the time.

[00:04:16]And so for queer people from conservative traditions, those numbers are even larger. And the thing is those stats can be misused to show that, "Oh, when you leave, you're lonely." It's not untrue. It's not untrue. That's the violence in this is that, yes, when you leave, you're lonely. But when you leave, you're lonely because you've had to choose you over other people and other people are not willing to stick with you. They're choosing their faith over human connection. They're choosing a god they see as vengeful who would hurt them if they were to be with you or align with you or support you. Let's Let's talk about what happens psychologically when you exit a totalizing identity system. Because religion, especially the high-demand, high-control type, is not just a belief system. It's a total identity architecture. And that's on purpose. It tells you why you're here. It tells you what you are worth. It tells you what your body is for. It tells you who to love and how. It tells you what happens when you die. It tells you what to do this Sunday morning. And when you leave, all of those answers go with it. And nature, including the human mind, abhors a vacuum, which is why so many people who enter into deconstruction don't describe it necessarily as a relief, but as a free fall. It might be a relief at first, that first Sunday morning that you wake up and you don't have to go to church. You're like, "Oh, it's so nice to sleep in or or whatever, but as time goes on, you start to feel a void because there's nothing there to tell you what to do in the ways that religion has always told you. You might not even know that you've been told what to do in all of those ways because it is so ingrained that it's just always been there. That doesn't mean it's not there.

[00:06:09]So, you leave a religion, you want out, you need out, but when you're out, the ground is not where you thought it was going to be. And then for queer people, as per usual, there's another layer. You spend years trying to be someone that you're not and suppressing who you are.

[00:06:24]That takes enormous psychological energy. And when you finally stop doing that, you're not just figuring out what do I believe? Now you're figuring out who you are. Specifically, who you are when you're not performing for other people, which is both terrifying and important, essential even. So, if this is where you are, I want to say something real quick. This disorientation that you're feeling is not a sign that you made the wrong choice. is a very natural part of the process because when you go from a place that your footing is secure, know what to expect, what happens next, you understand all those things, and you're being told who you are, and you go to a place where all of that is removed because it's all founded, grounded in something that isn't there anymore, and you don't believe anymore, you're going to feel disoriented. It takes time. This is survivable. It just takes time. Let's talk reconstruction because we talk a lot about deconstruction, right? You're you're deconstructing your beliefs and you're deconstructing your faith. What about reconstruction? Once you've got all the pieces out on the floor, what do you do with that? How do you put yourself back together again? First, you need to grieve before you rebuild. You need to grieve the system that harmed you because at one point, it was something that you stood for and believed in. You need to grieve the loss of community, sometimes the loss of family, the certainty you found, the ritual in the things that you would do, the version of yourself that existed inside even if it if it was constrained.

[00:07:46]That's not weakness, that's part of the human process and if don't skip it, that grief will come visit you later. It's not going to be ignored. Next, you're going to get curious about what you actually believe, not what you're told to believe, what you actually believe and this is a piece-by-piece activity.

[00:08:02]One of the things that people coming out of religion, especially high-demand Christianity, miss is they think if it's a belief structure, a real belief structure, they have to be able to explain it to people and categorize it.

[00:08:12]It's just not true. If something feels right in you, then it's right for you.

[00:08:18]There's not a prescribed belief system out there, that's kind of part of what you walked away from in organized religion, right? But if you've got like an assumed belief that comes up and you want to know, is this something I believe or is this something that I was taught to believe? Take a minute and double-check. Wait, do I believe that?

[00:08:35]Like does that feel like something I believe or does that feel like something I was told to believe? does take a little bit, for sure. You're going to feel these things come up random places.

[00:08:44]Give yourself the time to decide if it is something that you believe or if it is something you were told to believe because you get to figure that out and choose what stays if any. Some of the questions you can ask yourself is what do I think is true? Where do I find meaning? What do I think is beautiful?

[00:09:00]All of those questions are helpful when it comes to figuring out what you believe now, again, if anything. Then, you're going to need to find your people. Deliberately find your people because one of the things that organized religion provides people and and I very firmly believe one of the reasons that we're seeing younger people go back to organized religion now is because it provides community in a way that kind of nothing else does. So, you need to be able to find your people deliberately and we need to be creating these like third spaces deliberately so that people aren't defaulting to something that could be damaging to them in order to gain community. If you are somebody who is still looking for spirituality, there are different avenues that you can use to do that. There are also queer spaces that are not just bars. If you are not currently aware of rampant amount of addiction that exists within our community, you should get aware because it's there and it's a very real problem and centering all of our activities around drinking is probably not the way to go. There are a lot of sober people within our community and having our gathering center around drinking or center around a bar is not always the best option for everybody. Being in therapy with someone who understands LGBTQ+ issues, especially religious trauma, is also significant. And I'm not just talking about somebody who is okay with the queer community or doesn't have a problem with gay people. Like, I'm talking about somebody who understands religious trauma. Because one of the things that is difficult is you trying to explain to your therapist why something was difficult for you, why something hurt you, have them kind of look at you and worst-case scenario belittle it, best-case scenario ask you to explain why that was hard. Online communities might be your first-level access to other people who are queer and I know that's not the same as in person and I would really advocate for you to strive for in-person meetings. We are coming up on June and typically there are more meetings in June, especially June 2026 in the United States. We have to be gathering because there are so many towns that are canceling pride. We need to be organizing, gathering, getting people together, supporting one another. So, if you can do that in person, doing that online is going to be so important this year. And then, give yourself permission to not have it figured out. It's okay if you don't know where a belief comes from. It's okay if you don't find a community that can be your new resting place yet. It's It's okay if you don't know what any of it means necessarily for you right now.

[00:11:30]Like, that that can happen. That can come later. You're moving forward at the pace you need to move and that's okay.

[00:11:36]You were handed a complete world before you were able to critically think. You were not able to evaluate it or encouraged to evaluate it in any way.

[00:11:44]Giving that back and leaving religion can't expect to have everything figured out right away or even within the first couple of years and that's okay. Like that doesn't need to be a message of fear. That can be hopeful. This is just a process and that's all right. Okay, so if you've gotten this far, I would really love to ask what was the hardest part about leaving religion? Not theologically, personally. Was losing family, was losing community, losing rituals, not knowing what you believed anymore? I love you to drop that in the comments. But one of the things that I love about this channel is the way that you support each other and the way that you are building community here. I get to hear stories from channel members who have built friendships here, who have found other people who understand them here and this is no different. So I would really love if you would drop some of those stories in the comments if you're you're comfortable because there are people who need to hear that it's going to be okay and who knows, you might meet a new friend in the comments.

[00:12:39]That could be one of those third spaces we're talking about right now. And that is what we're trying to build here, a supportive environment where people can come and be understood and learn a little about themselves. That's it for today. Thank you so much for being here.

[00:12:50]I will see you all next time and until then, take care of yourselves and each other.