Things Narcissists Say That Sound Loving… But Are Actually Control

Added: 2026-05-22

[00:00:00]Some of the most controlling phases, or abusive phases, don't sound abusive at all. In fact, they sound romantic. That's why so many people misread the red flags in the beginning. Manipulation is very rarely obvious at first.

[00:00:18]It's actually romantic. Narcissistic people will often disguise control as protection, love, loyalty, and concern.

[00:00:27]What happens is that these phrases, or these words, can create emotional confusion because they sound really caring on the surface.

[00:00:36]But what you don't realize is there is a double meaning underneath.

[00:00:49]So at first, you feel chosen, special, and deeply wanted until you realize the relationship is slowly smaller and smaller about your needs. This creeps up on you very slowly. You don't realize until it's too late. So, I'm going to be uncovering the most commonly used phrases that sometimes we might think, "Oh, you know, they do love me. They it's not what I think it is." But I'm going to be uncovering this in the video. So let's get into it. I think the first one that we hear so much about is, "I just care so much about you." The hidden meaning is monitoring, over-possessiveness, and I think over-involvement. And the reason why I feel like that is because excessive concern creates emotional surveillance.

[00:01:38]Okay, they can say a whole host of things, and then just kind of use it as a way of surveillance, surveillancing you.

[00:01:48]Because they use care to justify. And I think that's where we often fail is because they they use it to kind of explain things away, but actually what they're doing is they're becoming possessive. They want to know everything. It's too much. You know, like people need their personal space.

[00:02:05]People need to have space to be able to do what they need to do without having to explain, having to be monitored, having to not tell them where they are.

[00:02:13]And I know I've heard from a lot of my clients where they talk about this saying that not necessarily they had like apps that were tracking them, but just like, you know, the the calling, the texting, "Where are you?" And some of you even have had those tracking apps. I know that this is something that happened to me personally.

[00:02:32]And it's the most weirdest thing because you feel like your freedom is being taken away from you. And I am someone I can't deal with that. I cannot deal with someone, you know, taking my freedom away, I me being controlled, I It's like I feel like someone is suffocating me.

[00:02:48]And I And I can imagine that some of you have also felt that, too. They might even, you know, check your phone. I mean, oh my god, like So, someone will go through your phone.

[00:02:59]Your phone is personal to you.

[00:03:02]And even though even though you probably haven't got anything to hide on there, I just feel like that is something that is an invasion of privacy. You know, uh look, there's two distinctions here. If you feel that that person is cheating and you don't trust what they're saying to you and you just need to look to kind of, you know, justify it to yourself, then fair enough. But I think in this case, the way that I'm describing narcissists is that they will go through your phone, regardless. They know you're not cheating, but they'll go through your phone in case you you maybe have um slightly put them down or maybe you've said something about them or someone has said something to you. Any little micro thing, they will pick up on. Healthy love respects autonomy.

[00:03:44]They Nobody, but nobody should be knowing where you are 24/7. Like, you You what? You're free. Okay? You can go and be and have any friends that you like. Real love will protect your freedom. Control will disguise itself as a concern. The other phase is, nobody will ever love you like I do. Oh, this one I'm sure you have all heard it. This is about dependence, isolation, and lowering your confidence in these particular ways. Sounds romantic initially, doesn't it? That no one's going to love you like they do because they love you so much. Subtly, it it implies that you won't survive without them, that others won't understand you, possibly because there's something wrong with you. That it can also imply that they are your only source of love, that it is only them.

[00:04:37]Can you see how this is now turning into intermittent reinforcement? Causes confusion. This also creates the fear of leaving. The other phase is, I'm hard on you because I only want you to be better. Criticism disguised as improvement, plain and simple. Constant correction will create damages to your self-esteem.

[00:05:02]Kind of like you are you're you don't trust yourself. You need someone else to tell you whether you're right or wrong.

[00:05:10]They position themselves as the teacher, the superior one, the person who fixes you. And over time, you will start to doubt yourself. What you got to remember is that love builds you, and control will convince you that you are just not good enough, that you can't survive without this person, that you are just nothing without them, and you need them to survive. The other phase is, I need to know where you are because I worry.

[00:05:36]Again, this is monitoring and very controlling.

[00:05:40]There's a difference between caring and tracking.

[00:05:43]All right? And I feel like as I mentioned in earlier on in the video, this is purely for tracking purposes because someone who needs to say that to you, where it's like why do they need to know where you are at all times? Like you're at work, you're at your friends, you know, you're out doing grocery shopping, you're at the mall, whatever. Do they need to know everything? Like you can just give them an update later of like what you bought or what you did with your friends or work or anything like that. Like this is so monitoring and controlling. Nobody needs to know where you are every two hours. And I think a lot of this for narcissists is that they become uncomfortable when you have your own independence. And I feel like this is something that probably attracted them to you, but this is also something that they fear because they fear it because if you're doing better than them or they know that you can leave, that you don't need them to survive. And I feel like this is a big thing for them. It's like it it feeds into their triggers of rejection, of abandonment. It's kind of like this enmeshment that they create within this relationship for some of you. And I feel like this is why they tends to say this phase because they want to control you. They want to control the fact that you're not going to leave.

[00:07:03]They're going to feel anxious if you don't reply quickly. So you've got to like a time frame of when you've got to reply to them. And then you may become accused of needing space or not caring about them. Another one is we don't need other we have each other. This is classic isolation strategy. This slowly disconnects you from your friends and family support systems. And the reason why they do this, and I know that many of my clients have kind of mentioned this and said that they had felt so isolated not being able to get in contact with their family or their they've been taken away from their families, maybe moved locations.

[00:07:41]And this is a common tactic because what this is creating in your relationship is dependency on the narcissist, so that you're you don't have any other sources of being able to kind of talk to them like for example, if the narcissist is is displaying negative behaviors or you're questioning their behaviors, you don't have someone else that you can talk to and discuss this with them. This eliminates any sort of support systems, any way of you being able to leave and go to somewhere else. The smaller that your world becomes, the more power they gain inside it. The other classic one that I've got to say is after everything I've done for you. And so that this is about transactional love and guilt manipulation.

[00:08:23]It's almost like you are dependent. It they're making you dependent on them.

[00:08:29]Like they've done all this for you and you're not doing anything for them or you're disappointing them or you're disobeying them.

[00:08:37]This is all about conditioning, emotional conditioning, okay? And this happens in these relationships way too often. Their kindness will come with emotional debt that you need to pay off, that you need to it needs to be worth it. The support that they give you will become a weapon later. And what you got to remember is that genuine love does not keep the score. It's not about tit for tat and eye for an eye.

[00:09:03]When you're when you love someone, this is about you giving you giving up you This is about you doing what you can for the other person cuz you genuinely want the best for them, not that you're keeping scores, that every time one person does something for you and then and then they've got to repay you. That isn't a relationship.

[00:09:23]That's transaction. And this is what I want you guys to remember is that so many of you that I've talked to, you explained to me how you felt deeply loved right at the beginning. Like they were your world, you know, and the relationship was amazing and you had a great time together and it was and it was absolutely thrilling. It was wonderful. It was exciting. And it was very addictive.

[00:09:48]And over time, what happens is that confusion set in because it started to become a bit strange because then there's control that is mixed into this. It's like all if someone says those phrases to you, you're going to feel a certain type of way. Like you're going to feel like does this person actually love me or is it that I have to perform for this person to actually love me and for this relationship to be okay. There's a lot of maintenance that needed to happen and I think a lot of us a lot of us realize that this is manipulation. Like that has happened to you, but after we leave, that's when we know that this is manipulation that is happening. So one thing I want you to remember is that manipulation is dangerous precisely because it doesn't always look real. Real love will respect your boundaries. You will grow together. It will encourage individuality.

[00:10:47]And it feels emotionally safe. There is a huge difference. If love makes you feel afraid to be yourself, it isn't love. It's control wearing the mask of intimacy. I'm going to ask you, have you ever heard any of these phrases in your relationship? If you have, please put them down in the comments section below because I'd love to hear from you. I do have one-to-one consultations. If you are interested, please see the description box below.

[00:11:17]Thank you so much for watching. I hope this video has helped. Please don't forget to like and subscribe. I'll see you in the next video. Goodbye.