Why Simple Arguments Turn Into Huge Fights: 6 Mistakes Men Make & 6 Women Make | Dr. John Gray

Hinzugefügt: 2026-05-26

[00:00:00]Let's look at what other things women do wrong. We picked on the men. Now we know that. Now we're going to see what else women do wrong.

[00:00:08]>> They were the last word is what men do.

[00:00:10]They take the last word.

[00:00:14]>> Thank you so much for joining us today on Second Act TV. I am so happy to welcome back Dr. John Gray, the author of the most well-known and trusted relationship book of all times, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. John, thanks so much for being here again.

[00:00:33]>> I'm so happy to be with you again.

[00:00:35]Absolutely. I enjoy being with you so much. Well, we enjoy having you here and of course you've written at least 20 other books, including the one sitting here right behind me, Beyond Mars and Venus, which of course is the update to your iconic bestseller. So, I'll have links to all that in the show notes. And you have another you have a new book coming out.

[00:00:58]>> Yep. This is the new book, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, for Women Only. And the theme of this one is be happy with or without a man. Sometimes when women are unhappy in relationships, they're looking to the man to make them happy. And there has to be sort of a basis of I'm happy and I'm looking to you to make me happier. So you have to learn from a man what works with men.

[00:01:20]>> We'll do a whole segment on that. I'm really excited about it. It literally just came out. So we'll I'll get back with you on that as well. But it sounds great. Well, today today, John, what I want to discuss with you is something that affects really all of us. Yeah. And that's arguments. Arguments in in relationships. And you have a blog on your website, uh, marsvenenus.com. Great site, by the way. Lots of lots of information. And as I was going through there to find some stuff for our interview today, I saw that and it really hit home because we know all this stuff. We know all this stuff, but yet we we tend to default. There's six mistakes that men make, six mistakes that women make.

[00:02:00]>> What people don't know is Silk said, "Let's talk about what you said on the block." And I said, "What did I say?"

[00:02:05]And she read them all out to us. Wow, I really am good. I have to say this is a brilliant talk that we're going to do here.

[00:02:11]>> Now, let's start with what men do, Rob.

[00:02:13]>> That's right. Let's do that. It's good to good to do that. Okay.

[00:02:16]>> The first one you have here is they go they default to an aggressive tone or loud voice. Yeah. What >> men are so stupid. See, they haven't been taught. If they had fathers that that were in a successful relationship, they know that masculinity is cool, calm, and collected. It's friendly. It's kind. It's generous. This is masculinity. But today, what's being taught is that anger, oh, is masculinity. When a man understands a woman, why is she talking like that? Why am I getting angry with her? That's the stupidest thing in the world. Because as soon as a man gets angry, he will she will completely shut down. When your tone of voice is angry and dominating and louder than her, every word you say is going to shut her down more. It's going to take her longer to open up her heart to you. And whatever you say is going to turn into an argument because she cannot appreciate anything you say.

[00:03:15]And don't do the second thing. You can ask the second thing.

[00:03:18]>> Okay. Number two, condescending comments. Condescending comments. Boy, they'll start an argument every time.

[00:03:26]>> Don't worry about it. Not a big deal.

[00:03:28]>> Those are the condescending comments is that men will do over and over and over and and basically in my book, Men from Mars, I do talk about the anatomy of an argument. And it's not in these lists.

[00:03:38]So, I'll just mention the anatomy of an argument most of the time is a woman's not happy. There's nothing to argue about if a woman is happy. Okay? There's only been argue stupid things we do, but a woman's not happy. We then make condescending comments. She'll say, "Oh, you didn't do this or we have this problem or we haven't done." She'll say something that implies blame on his part.

[00:04:00]>> As soon as she's stressed and she's not happy, men don't understand.

[00:04:05]What they do is they make a condescending comment. And the condescending comment is, "There's no reason to be upset. You're making a big deal about this. Why can't you let it go?" Well, that's not what other people do. Well, why would you say that? These are condescending comments. Anytime you try to tell a woman she shouldn't feel what she feels, you're making her wrong.

[00:04:27]Now, men, you know, you don't like some woman telling you what you should do and what you don't do. Men tend to really get annoyed when women give men advice and tell us what to do. Well, women get more annoyed when you give them advice on why they should not feel the way they feel. Which actually what you're describing here really goes to point three is interrupting her with arguments that invalidate her feelings like you shouldn't feel that way.

[00:04:50]>> Well, again, it's interrupting her. But see, interrupting her, it's actually a separate one because interrupting her is while she's talking, we want to be right. Was that didn't happen. That's not condescending. That's just information. But you just say that didn't happen. And then what we do is explain what really happened. Or she com she comments, you forgot to do this.

[00:05:09]Well, that's because I was busy working and that's what if we don't work, we don't have a house. And we give a big argument as to justify ourselves to be right and for her to appreciate us. See, what men are not aware of inside is explaining a behavior on Mars is how you resolve a conflict. If if I'm late to in a business meeting and I'm late, I have to have a good reason for being late.

[00:05:32]And if I have a good reason for being late, then you'll be okay with it. So, let's say I'm late for dinner and I just said to my wife, she says, "You're late.

[00:05:40]You were late. I ruin it ruined the meal. Why didn't you get here on time?"

[00:05:43]And then I say, "Oh, there was an accident on the bridge and a car caught on fire and there was a child in the car and they couldn't get in." And so, I did have my jack in the back of my car. So, I broke open the window so I can get that kid out and I brought it to the emergency worker and thank God the child's okay now. Well, then my wife would not be mad at me, would she?

[00:06:04]>> No. because I have a good excuse. Okay, this is logic. This is how men are is they give you a good excuse, but men don't realize if I give you a good excuse, then I'm telling you you shouldn't feel the way you feel. And then that good excuse becomes condescending statement. Even though I'm just talking about myself, I'm not talking about you, but it's implied that I have such a good reason for what I did that you shouldn't be upset. So once again, the net the net problem is you shouldn't be upset. And that's the mistake we men make.

[00:06:34]>> Well, and I think you mentioned like number four here, offering solutions rather than asking more questions.

[00:06:41]>> They all blend into each other as you can see. But but it is it's a it is a distinct thing. My wife would come home and say, you know, it happened again and again in my office. The solution the the printer keeps breaking down and nobody cares. You know, they just go to the second floor and they get their papers done there. I can't believe they're doing it. And then I would say, "Well, honey, you can just go to the second floor as well." Okay? So, we just give a simple solution to whatever it is. Or she might say, "Oh, there was so much plumbing that the water was leaking out.

[00:07:10]It was doing this." And I say, "Well, all you have to do is call me or you can call the plumber and they'll come." She knows that. That's why it's condescending. She knows that. But she's sharing her feelings because she wants to lower her stress. whether she's aware of it or not, she's going to lower her stress by talking about what's going on inside. What we men do is we just think analytically, logically about a solution. And many times what women need is simply to be heard for you as men, rather than give a solution to ask questions because that is the solution to what she needs at that time, which is help me understand that better. Tell me more. What else? And men would go, why would I do that? That's a waste of time.

[00:07:52]Because men don't understand women. They don't understand what women need. When women get a lot out of therapy with a therapist because they're talking about their feelings, but they're never blaming the therapist. And then they complain, "Well, my husband can't hear me." I said, "That's because you're blaming your husband. When you come in here, you're not blaming me. You're blaming your husband." I can go, "Yeah, I would never do that. Getting here is really easy." Well, the next one, another great one here. Tit for tad. And you write here, that's man that a man's competitive nature. If she has a complaint, you're going to one up it.

[00:08:23]>> That's right. It's it's an amazing thing. It's a very logical thing on Mars. Okay. On Mars, let's say it's business. Okay. And my friend, he says, "Hey, John, you made this much money, and that's unfair. I only made this much money." And I say, "Yeah, but what you don't know is how much I spent for this and how much I spent for this, but I really didn't make that much money." So, he's saying he has a problem. I'm saying, "Actually, my problem's bigger than yours, and I'm willing to call it even." You see, I'm being I'm being magnanimous by pointing out that I have a bigger problem than you and I'm not punishing you for it. So, when women complain this immaturity in men and it is an instinct because this is so about masculinity and negotiation and and hierarchy, all these things go into testosterone. She complains, I complain, and I even have more to complain about, but I'm cool with it. I'm all right with it. You know, terrible men. Just don't do it. It it just it's just telling her that she's bad. Okay, you think you're succeeding, but tip for tap is not going to work. That's >> No. And then the And then the last one that goes right along with that, too, is having to get in the final word. Oh boy, that's Yes. Having to get the final word, having to be right.

[00:09:36]>> And and that is a part of tit for tat.

[00:09:38]You know, if you have a complaint, I'm gonna have the final word. and you just sabotage your ability for her to reflect on her behavior. See, women are the ones who have introspective awareness. They are the ones who have the potential to change what's inside. Men are more more when I work with men, it's more about changing outside, change your behavior, change what you say, change what you do.

[00:10:00]They respond so quickly to that. Men can be trained by other men. Women have to learn a skill to train men, which is what I write about in my book. It's all done indirectly by asking for help without blaming. I wouldn't blame a man because I ever give a man advice. I'd give an example first of how I used to do that. It doesn't work and this is what works. And man go, "Oh, really?

[00:10:20]Thank you so much. I never thought of that. I never thought that I was doing the wrong thing. I thought I was doing the right thing." So when my wife has the final word, if I make sure and let her be the last person who speaks so I don't react to that, then I know she's left with the last thing she says, then she can reflect on what she just said, which was not very loving. Okay? See, what women will do is if you do something that's not loving, that justifies them being unloving. That's what they think. Yeah, I'm unloving, but he did this. I'm unloving, but he did that. So there's nothing your partner does to justify you not being loving if you have the power to come back to being loving. Women don't know how to do that.

[00:11:02]And I'm teaching women how to change your feelings without have waiting for the outer world to change.

[00:11:07]>> Well, let's look at what other things women do wrong. We picked on the men.

[00:11:11]Now we know that. Now we're going to see what else women do wrong.

[00:11:15]>> Give her the last word is what men do.

[00:11:17]They take the last word. And that's stupid on a man's part. Look.

[00:11:21]>> Good. All right, six mistakes that women make or that start an argument where they could be preventing it. Number one, it's kind of similar. Raising her voice with emotion, especially sarcasm. Well, that's something I have to watch.

[00:11:35]>> Yeah. Well, that's good. You you found your awareness of sarcasm just to be aware of it. But in terms of emotions expressing emotion, men are not able unless they train themselves to hear you when you're getting emotional and you're raising your voice. It's kind of like men express anger, women just sort of express discontent. You know, it's just I'm not satisfied. Your voice raises up.

[00:12:00]You know, it's very I'll give a funny joke here is that as men age, their ability to hear high frequencies decreases and relationships will tend to be more peaceful. They can't hear funny. It's actually true. Okay. But when when women sort of go into that high pitch, what men hear is blame.

[00:12:20]That's the problem with it. And the example I'd like to give for that is a parenting example is that when children are screaming, uh, basically both men and women sometimes can't handle it. And so they'll say bad things to children like, "I'm going to go in another room if you keep crying." Or, "If you keep crying, I'm going to give you something to cry about." Or, "You shouldn't be feeling that. You're disturbing everybody." What a child needs is for you not to talk. Don't say anything.

[00:12:49]Again, when a woman's upset, men don't talk. What you have is a unique ability, men, to stay calm, and you can help her at that time by not talking when her voice goes up. So, yes, it does create arguments. Without a doubt, when a woman raises her voice, often she has no control over that. So, but it is one of the things that contribute to an argument.

[00:13:11]>> Well, here's another one. Using rhetorical questions like, "How could you say something like that?"

[00:13:18]Yes. Give us five more. As a woman, what are five questions you might ask that would create an argument? I can tell you, but I would love for you to >> Well, how could you say something like that? What um how could you say something like that? Well, what did what what were you thinking? Uh five. You have to do come up with five.

[00:13:35]>> I'll come up with them. All right.

[00:13:37]That's okay. That's because you don't do it that often. I know some women that can give you 20 in a minute. Okay. I'll just uh But why would you say that? How could you say that? Why did you do that?

[00:13:47]What were you thinking? And what how should how can I understand what you do?

[00:13:52]I just don't understand why you would do that. This is like you want to cause an argument, go right into I just don't understand why you would do that. That's the worst thing you can say to a man.

[00:14:03]When you start to get triggered, you see yourself doing those things. Your voice is going high. You're starting to ask a lot of rhetorical questions. The rhetorical question is a way for you to blame somebody without seeing yourself as blaming. It's you don't know that you're blaming. It's like I saw it so first with my wife when she'd say to the kids, she go, "Why is this room a mess?"

[00:14:24]Okay, what she's saying is, "You're a bad child. Your room's a mess. I want you to clean this room. You're not pleasing me." All into the question of why is this room a mess? What's the child supposed to say? Well, mom, it's because I'm this irresponsible child and I'm really awful and I upset you all the time and I'm just not good enough. I'm a failure kid and that's all imply. What does he There's no answer to why is this room a mess? And why does it happen?

[00:14:50]Because you're you're not connected to your actual emotions. You go into your head. You go into logic because you bounce off your frustration inside. And this is why you need to share feelings women about other things in your life that don't blame your partner and he will feel compassion for you.

[00:15:07]Men cannot feel love unless their mirror neurons open. Women's mirror neurons open all the time. It's only when you're really mad that they close down. For men, all it takes is for a man to feel moderate stress of someone complaining to him. His mirror neurons will close down and he will figure out, okay, what's the solution? Why are they wrong?

[00:15:26]So, you just have to get anything I do probably on the list, but I'll add one here. Anytime you need a man's help and you blame him, he'll mirror neurons will shut down.

[00:15:37]>> If you if you need a man's help and you're not blaming him, his mirror neurons open up and he becomes the man who fell in love with you.

[00:15:44]>> So that's rhetorical questions.

[00:15:46]>> Well, I think you just touched on number three, too, is making generalized complaints, saying things like, "We never spend time together. You know, you're not doing the things you said you would do."

[00:15:58]>> Nicely put. It's this isn't you see as a man I'll just tell you when my wife says you never do this I always do this you know these sort of hyperbole statements come out it's a sign that she's experiencing stress so I don't take it seriously from that point of view now women might hear me say I don't take it seriously or you should be serious no I shouldn't if I took it serious I think you were borderline and crazy because when but you're not borderline and you're not crazy you're just expressing the intensity of your emotion by saying you never do this, you always do that which is always which is irrational because what a man will do he hears blame he will go to the logical part of his brain he'll disconnect from his emotions and all he'll hear is you never do that well the other day I did I did this for you and the other day I did this for you and the other day I did and of course what he would do by making a mistake is to correct you don't correct her just real let her talk that way but it's best a woman can become aware that when you say never or always or how could you do that or other people don't do that you know this is I will get to that one but it's just making things bigger than they are and just keep in mind that this is a normal stress stress response so we're not beating each other up about this but we do get in habits of saying these things and so when you're more aware of will you never do that will you always do this and I'm not sure if we bring up the other one that goes with this oh it's the next one >> yeah bringing up old issues number four here bringing up old issues just to mucky the That's right. Well, what is what is for logically speaking? If I if I'm not trusting that you're hearing me, then I have to bring up more evidence that I have a right to ask for what I want. So, I'm gathering evidence. I have a complaint and actually it doesn't seem to be landing over there. Particularly if you say you never did this. He might say, well, yes, I do. Then immediately she'll go into, well, this time and this time and this time and then he'll counter that with this time and this time. It's just bringing up the past.

[00:17:57]And this is a basic communication skill.

[00:18:00]Men can fall into it. It's just women will tend to fall into it more. So when she can't win the argument based on you did something wrong and you should admit to it and that doesn't seem to land, then she has to then he will explain himself, which is one of the mistakes men make. We talked about that. Using logic to explain why he's right, that doesn't work. But as soon as he explains himself, she'll then add to it something from the past and from the past. And she talks herself into feeling worse and worse and worse by bringing in the past to justify your complaint. And what women have to learn is the recognition of complaint is really just a request.

[00:18:36]And if you would just give up complaining and instead request, you get more from a man. Because women don't know that men don't change when you make them feel bad. Men change when you make them feel good, when you create space for them to be successful. And that's an art. It is an art. You have to learn how to do it.

[00:18:55]>> Yeah. Yeah. Well, and that goes into number five here. Comparing him to another man or how he acted in the past.

[00:19:03]>> Actually, sometimes it helps. Okay. One of my clients, she's 65 years old. She just thinks she wants to divorce her husband. I said, "Go talk to your other friends about their relationship. Have real intimate conversations. Share some of your problems." because she doesn't share her problems with her friends. She always acts like everything's perfect.

[00:19:19]And what she did is she went to several friends who are all in her age category, have been married as long as she'd been married. She goes, "My husband does the same thing." And it's even worse.

[00:19:29]She was so encouraged because it was like suddenly, oh, all these guys aren't as perfect as I thought they should be because we watch social media.

[00:19:36]Everybody's putting on a fake face in social media. And then there's this tendency that women have a greater tendency for men. It is a tendency here to compare. Now there's a great a great poet once said comparison is the thief of happiness. So then what her brain does in that state of stress again remember her estrogen is low her testosterone is high. Her brain will start comparing. You're not the man you used to be. You what's wrong with you?

[00:20:03]Or she'll compare him with other men.

[00:20:06]You know she'll see oh this person he does this and oh this person does this man he does this. A woman I was just talking to. You know, she was really mad at her husband. He was off on a vacation. And she goes to this party and this guy comes on to her. He says, "You're the most beautiful woman." He love bombs her. Just you're fantastic. I can't live without you. You're the one.

[00:20:24]She says, "Well, excuse me, but I'm already married." He says, "Well, then I'm going to stay. I'm not going to stop. I'm going to wait till you he dies and I'll be here for you. I can't find love again until I have you." And she goes, "Yes, this is what I deserve. A man who's not selfish." I said, "He's totally selfish. He's lovebombing you.

[00:20:40]He doesn't a man who comes on to a woman who's married and says, "I'll give I'll wait for you." This is like complete me me and he's doing whatever he can say.

[00:20:49]He has a problem. And it's and I won't say it's just women with this. I I have one male client. It just drives his wife crazy because when she's being emotional, he says, "Well, other people don't think that way, honey. There's no reason to be upset like that. People, logical people don't think that way."

[00:21:04]So, he will compare her to logical people where she'll compare her husband to attentive, loving husbands. And you know, women have this whole idea, this this fake idea that's in the movies and everything and psychology is that men are supposed to like hear everything you say with love and understanding and they're supposed to share their feelings and they're never supposed to be upset with you. Their feelings are always positive with you. This is all makeelieve stuff. You know, this is a hard world to be in.

[00:21:30]>> All right, John, we made it to the end.

[00:21:32]Number six, expecting him to make you feel good. saying things like, "Well, that doesn't make me feel any better.

[00:21:42]I've said that. I've said that."

[00:21:44]>> You did it very nicely. Well, that doesn't feel good to me. Well, that doesn't make me feel happy. Or even to say to yourself, it's an internal dialogue. Well, he's not doing what he should do. He should do this to make me happy. He's not doing what he should do.

[00:21:55]His job is to make me happy. I remember when I finally had this this insight, and it's fun to hear the stories of this because I was in South Africa and there was this really popular radio guy and I wanted to do a show. Oh, I wanted people to know my book. And they said, "Oh, you don't want to do a show. He's like a man's man. He's just like, he is so tough. You know, he'll to tear you to shreds." I said, "No man can tear me to shreds. I know just the way men think. I know just why he is the way he is. Put me on the show." And so, we're on the show and he's ready to make fun of this relationship expert. And I And so, he just says, "Women are this, this, this, this." And then all I had to do is say, "Yeah, they expect you to make them happy. That's not your job." He he just went, "Put that on the marriage."

[00:22:36]certificate. It's not my job to make her happy. And then I just add to it. Our job is to make her happier. If she has to be happy, then it's easy for us to make her happier. He goes, "Yes, yes.

[00:22:47]This is why I can." He was became my disciple in that moment. He just he kept going on that. Yes. We can't be so demanding of our partners. It's not clearly in his in his marriage or end of his marriage, whatever his wife was saying, you don't make me happy. You never make me happy. You're never enough to make me happy. just this is just kills a man just pushes him down. So it's like learning how to create opportunities for a man to be successful in making you happier. Once you can create opportunities for him to make you happier, then when you're not happy, you can create opportunities for him to help you be happy. But you have to have the ability. If my husband's not making me happy, I've got other things that make me happy. I've got friends I can share with my friends. I've got a coach. I have a therapist. I have so many other things that I dance. I sing. I've in a group. I go to church. Whatever it is, we all need they're like vitamins. Men are just one vitamin. It's just like vitamin C, you know. And if you're only taking vitamin C and you're not getting all the others, vitamin C won't do anything for you. I remember it was a feminist who wrote wrote a book and it was called if you can't live without me, why why are you still alive?

[00:24:00]>> The title actually.

[00:24:02]Anyway, some that same feminist wrote another book and I'm not remembering her title. Oh, this is what it was. It was the book is called men are just dessert.

[00:24:12]Okay. And she was trying to insult men and that. But that's I'm fine to be dessert. Come to me for dessert. You got your life is the main meal. Let me be dessert. Let me be the guy who tops it off with dessert and makes you happier.

[00:24:25]Well, you have an amazing ability to teach all these skills. I have to say again in this interview, you have an amazing ability to just like get to the point in a way that's so relatable both for men and women. You know, a lot of a lot of women, you know, talk talk for women, a lot of men could talk for men.

[00:24:41]You you you do it for both. No wonder you have the bestselling relationship book in the world. I just I was always in awe talking with you and I I I so thank you for coming on again. We'll we'll link to all of our past interviews. There's some really good ones there as well, John.

[00:24:58]>> Yeah. Yeah. You bring out the best in me. There's no question about it.

[00:25:02]>> Well, good. Thank you. See, you always know what to say. You don't say that to all your your interviewers, do you?

[00:25:07]>> No, I don't say that to everybody. I say that to my wife, that's for sure.

[00:25:12]>> Thank you. Well, John, before we sign off, of course, I will link to all of your information, to your website.

[00:25:18]Fabulous information on your site, including your your new book. We we mentioned it at the beginning. It's for women only. He said, >> "Yeah, it'd be nice if men read it, but don't expect don't demand it of him." As a man, I learned so much about me by reading this book, by writing this book, because you know, so many of my ideas, people will still go, "Oh, that's not true." I I found the research behind everything.

[00:25:41]>> I think men might even learn more from this than women can. The reason I say that, I I started this just for women. I never thought I would be talking to men.

[00:25:50]you know this is just because women are the only ones that buy the books that want all this information and then next thing you know I have a 50% male audience and when actively engaged we are all curious you know what I used to do in my workshops is I would have the women get in a circle and complain about men and men would sit on the outside of the circles and hear and they would hear everything the women say because they were never taking it personally right >> so while you're talking about these things. Men want to know this stuff.

[00:26:21]They just don't want it acted at them.

[00:26:23]So, you're absolutely right. And this is why I encourage all men to read the new book. It's because I'm helping women understand men and as women understand, men understand themselves better. So, yes, you're absolutely brilliant is men would learn much from this book, but I I make it just for women only so that women aren't demanding a man to read it.

[00:26:42]>> I love that. I'll make sure that I promote it like that, too. John, thank you so much. We're almost, oh my goodness, we're two minutes over our time.

[00:26:51]I I just I always have so much fun talking with you and I will, as I said, link to all of your information, to your new book, to your old books, to your website, which is filled with wonderful information. And I look so forward to our next conversation on Second Act TV.