This interview strips away the tactical glamour to reveal the unsustainable psychological cost of modern warfare. It serves as a sobering reminder that elite training offers no immunity to the profound trauma of survival.
Deep Dive
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Deep Dive
SAS Operator Recalls the Most BRUTAL Day of the WarHinzugefügt:
I mean this deployment you did you experienced 160 gunfights in 3 months.
Am I correct?
>> No. 160 gunfights in one day on election day. That was in one 24-hour period. Our company group and satellite and call signs 160 contacts recorded in one day.
The elections in one day >> which sounds impossible but it wasn't.
And we were handed so when >> holy [ __ ] >> the back end of that torch Sean we handed over to the US Marine Corps and when that 37 combat team combat team 37 or 35 I can't remember which one it was but when the US Marine Corps came in those boys were not [ __ ] playing games and it was good to see because they were like we ain't doing courageous restraint we're doing [ __ ] extreme violence and we were like [ __ ] yeah. Um but yeah that >> 160 >> recorded contacts within a 24-hour period on election day. So the right at the back it was literally the last thing that we did on deployment. It was they were having local elections and it was the first time that they had local elections in Sang for since the Taliban took over I imagine. Um >> how do you even have enough ammo for that?
>> It was everywhere all day just all different. There was probably about five or six platoon on the ground plus the patrol base itself plus the the main FOB and it was just all day just sporadic all day.
>> Were you getting resupplied?
>> So we were out in a field. So check this out. Right. So they put wrecky platoon out as a blocking force. So we were like 400 m away from the actual main patrol base itself. And again when people talk about what it means to serve and what it means to serve the United States of America. Um and the the the bond that I've got.
We [ __ ] told them dude. We said do not go in that compound. We went out together. There's a US Marine Corps patrol and our patrol. Our job was to literally go out and provide a blocking service or a blocking screening service.
And we [ __ ] told them, "Do not [ __ ] go. Badger 10. Don't go in that compound. It's a known firing point.
It's [ __ ] rigged. Do not go there."
And they were like, "We got orders, brother." And I was like, "Do your thing." And they went out there and sure as [ __ ] they [ __ ] got blown up, dude. There was like [ __ ] two dead, I think, and three or four lost limbs. And initially, we were just helping out on the Kazvak. I'll never forget it was just like an endless supply of just [ __ ] people just coming back on stretches. And we were just taking just doing what we could. Like I [ __ ] carried Marines off the battlefield and they [ __ ] come and got me when I really needed it on multiple occasions.
Like that US flag when I had the [ __ ] privilege of wearing that to war means the world to me, Sean. And I'd [ __ ] die for that as soon as I die for my flag, you know? But those young lads, mate, they [ __ ] those young lads, I was one, too. You know, that was a [ __ ] hard day. That was just the morning. That was before the whole thing [ __ ] got going. I'll never forget it as well. were in these cornfields on these blocking positions and it was like you just see like twos and threes. The whole platoon had just been [ __ ] decimated. It was like an IED went off killed a bunch of dudes. Then the [ __ ] Kazak, the guys that went in to get them, they got [ __ ] blown up.
Then all hell broke loose. And it was just like once we' started to f the stretches back, we went back to man our positions.
And it was like something out of Jurassic Park, man. You see these [ __ ] corn fields and it was just like you could see the [ __ ] [ __ ] the leaves moving, you know? And we're on the guns like I need to [ __ ] like something's getting [ __ ] shot in a minute. I'm [ __ ] scared. Do you know what I mean? And uh a [ __ ] squad would come out or two or three guys and just be like have you seen like you know this guy or that platoon and we're like where the [ __ ] have you been, bro? And he's like your guys are back there and like okay cool. And they just run out.
10 minutes later there'd be like a lone marine just coming out the [ __ ] cornfield. you're like, I don't know what the [ __ ] going on over there, but this is not a good spot for him to be in. And uh yeah, we just [ __ ] hunkered down. That was the first time I've got properly morted as well. Like people talk about, oh, you know, I watched I think you'll find a generational difference between Gwatt guys that didn't do conventional tours and guys that did do conventional tours like I know the difference between being morted and properly being morted like in front of you like 50 m 60 m, which is [ __ ] close for an 81 or whatever they're using.
Then one comes behind you, you're like, "Okay, cool. We're being bracketed." The next one's [ __ ] coming into our position. And sure as [ __ ] we're in this field getting morted. And it's like, that's no joke. Like, we're in a [ __ ] field. There is no cover. And troop troop sergeants like [ __ ] digging and we're like, "What? What is this [ __ ] You know what I mean? This Euima." Like, I didn't think war [ __ ] fighting was like this. Do you know what I mean? This was not what we were [ __ ] used to doing. So, sure as [ __ ] we dug shell scrapes and I've got some great pictures of it. all the boys in shell scrapes and we [ __ ] dug shell scrapes and then we started getting more >> What do you mean shell scrapes?
>> Like a like a a small hole in the ground to lie into basically just below subsurface so that if it does detonate it goes at ground level and you're just underneath it. The first ones we did were quite shallow but when we started to get in incoming accurate mortifier we were like oh [ __ ] we need to [ __ ] dig these in a bit deeper. And I'll never forget like me and this guy Gaz, we were sat in this shell scrape lying in there just laughing like we're going home in 2 days. This the election day. This the whole day that I'm talking about was literally the last thing that we did.
And it was like I cannot [ __ ] believe after 6 months we're in this [ __ ] hole in this field getting [ __ ] morted. It's like come on. Do you know what I mean? This is no joke. But I'll remember it again. Goes back to the thing of respecting the US military. We had a cowboy call sign. It was it was a Cobra and a Huey pair and they were [ __ ] smashing the mortar point and uh we're in this shell scrape in this cornfield just [ __ ] hunkered down getting morted and this [ __ ] helicopter comes over with its partner and they're just [ __ ] strafing just like like rockets 12.7 mm rockets or whatever they are [ __ ] 30 mic whatever they got on there and the [ __ ] shells are landing all around oppos we're just laughing at each other at this point we're just like [ __ ] me like this is [ __ ] cool but it's not cool if you know what I mean it's like but we we liked it we're Marines what we're supposed to be doing, you know, but yeah, if it weren't for those dudes turning up that day, [ __ ] knows what would have happened. But that was the end of a really, really severe tour. And I'll tell you what, the worst thing I don't want, you know, the worst thing for us, mate, was that every single time an ID went off, it was a [ __ ] good chance it was somebody, you know, you know, like, and that radio never [ __ ] in 80 days, I think it was like something 82 days or whatever it was, we lost 14 people. Um, and they were all the same guys. We knew everybody. We're wrecky troop, you know, we knew everyone and it was like you you hear the [ __ ] blast, man. They're so close. You feel it, that [ __ ] awful sound, and you're just like, "Okay, cool." And then the radio, it's like, "Yeah, contact ID." And then it's like the state of the casualties, like what what tier they are. You hear the miss reports coming on and it's like you're just listening out for that Zap number.
You're like, "I know a guy in six troop." And you're just like, you're just listening for that zap number. You're just listening for that [ __ ] name and just being like, "Is it him?" And it it might not affect you that day because it might not be somebody, but then you see a guy in the corner of the patrol base and he's just [ __ ] in floods of tears cuz that was his best mate, you know? That was his [ __ ] mate. So yeah, we we were [ __ ] we were surrounded, man. We [ __ ] we were [ __ ] in a bad spot.
And uh it was it was heartbreaking to watch and feel and listen to it. And that [ __ ] radio never stopped, man.
It never never stopped. And I just wanted to go home. I got before I deployed, my daughter was two weeks old.
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They went to um they went to 40 Commando 2 and I remember I didn't even know these guys, man. And we were sat eating our [ __ ] lunch doing the like the pre-eployment training that you do in theater like zeroing weapons and [ __ ] all this [ __ ] getting briefs and all this [ __ ] stuff. ROE briefs, whatever. And there was just three of us in this like basically in this like [ __ ] shell of a compound having lunch. It was oh I was at 4. I was like, "Oh [ __ ] I was at 4 and there was three of us. I'm the only one that came home.
They [ __ ] both died, you know, and it's like, [ __ ] Brand new baby, two weeks old. Like, the writing's on the wall. I'm like, I'm not coming back from this deployment. I'd given up. I knew it was coming. Like, I'm not a super religious man, Sean. But every time I left that [ __ ] patrol base, I prayed because it doesn't matter how good you are, we were getting [ __ ] ripped apart. And it was [ __ ] dangerous. And it was scary. And I was [ __ ] scared. I was scared for 6 months. And then it's like one of the most significant things that's ever happened to me in my military career is I was about from me to that wall away when an ID blast went off my troop troop commander lost both his legs on the arm. I was the first guy to get to him. And there's a there's a protocol for this. You're supposed to do the metal detector [ __ ] and go up to it and you know make sure there's no I just [ __ ] ran straight to him and just started putting tourniquets on him and I was just like I remember his eyes. I was I was up at his head. The Tom the medic was working on him and I was just I was holding him. I had a flashlight on. It was early on in the morning.
We It was a [ __ ] 400 meter patrol, Sean. We 400 meters. Do you know what we were doing? Do you know what they made us do? They made us [ __ ] hand out a radio. He lost both his legs on the arm to hand out a [ __ ] wind up radio to a local that we thought was friendly.
Hearts and minds, they said. So, we go out at [ __ ] 5:00 in the morning near pitch back in a [ __ ] minefield and he lose his arms and legs for a [ __ ] radio, you know. I was so angry, mate. I was so [ __ ] angry. And uh I remember looking at him and I remember him trying to close his eyes and I was saying, "John, just [ __ ] look at me." And I put this [ __ ] flashlight in his face and I'm just like, "Do not [ __ ] close your eyes. Do not [ __ ] close your eyes." And we got him out and he he he's still he's like [ __ ] incredible. He's got kids. He's got a [ __ ] life. He's a [ __ ] incredible kayaker. He's represented his country in that. He's got this [ __ ] incredible story. He goes around the country motivating people. Like what a [ __ ] hero. What a [ __ ] rockstar. But I I'll never forgive them for putting us in those positions cuz it's like we know this is [ __ ] Why the [ __ ] are we going out there, you know? And yeah, that that there made me [ __ ] angry. I was like, "No, I'm not [ __ ] I'm coming back." Like a lot of people went the other way. Most people left the Marines after that deployment. I didn't. Maybe there's something [ __ ] wrong with me, but I was like, "Nah, I'm [ __ ] joining the special forces. I want to be [ __ ] part of that." And one of the main reasons for that was halfway through because we were getting smashed, the squadron, the regiment squadron, D squadron, sent a guy out to our position to give us fire support to bring the assets to, you know, so he embedded himself with our troop. And this guy was like an older guy. Super wiry northern, you know, not what you'd expect a regiment guy to look like, but [ __ ] me, he was the most impressive [ __ ] person I'd ever met. He was like a [ __ ] superstar. You don't come across regiment guys, especially not if you're in the Marines. It's not something that you don't operate together.
And he came into those patrol bases and he wore the same [ __ ] kit that we wore with no airs and graces. You'd be like that. He's a sergeant in the in the [ __ ] regiment and I'm a I'm a marine two IC of a troop and I'm doing like lists for who has to go on sentry and he's like what time do you want me on?
And I'm like what? Like you don't have to do this. He's like no put me on there 2 to 3 2 2:00 in the morning. He's out there in the [ __ ] sentry position doing it. Came on every patrol. He's like, "Give me some link. Give me a battery." And I was like, "Fucking hell." He did not need to do that. He did not have to do that. But I was like, "That's the gold standard. That's the [ __ ] epitome of what I think a [ __ ] regiment guy should be like. And he actually, it's quite a nice story. He gave me a um recruitment brief in the the main patrol base uh back in Sangin.
And it was for Heraford. And typically Royal Marines don't go to Heraford, they go to Paul, the SPS. So they don't go to the SCS, they go to SPS, typically not always, but I always wanted to join a regiment. I'd always been fascinated by the regiment since I watched the VHS copy of the Iranian embassy siege from my dad actually when I was about 10 years old. That was the first time I'd ever really seen it. And I was like, "What the fuck?" The dude's on the balcony with a gas mask. I was like, "Whatever that is, I want that." But it's the first time I've ever met one in the flesh and he's a [ __ ] rockstar, you know. And uh he gave me the recruitment brief and I remember I went back to my chew on my accommodation. I packed a Bergen with £55, which is test weight, and I did a CFT, which is an 8 mileer basically just perimeter the thing. Just kept doing that and doing that. From that moment on, I was like, I'm going on selection. And I've heard somebody else say this and it must be a fairly common thing, but I remember sitting one night on one of those sentry positions and it was [ __ ] super late and I hear two 47s going to the green zone and you know what a 47 sounds like and I was like well that's not us and that's our [ __ ] AO so what the [ __ ] is it? And then all hell breaks loose.
you had the [ __ ] gunship going and all kinds of [ __ ] and then 2 three hours [ __ ] 247s come in and they fly away and I was like got back off and what I was like yeah that's one of the squadrons gone and done a [ __ ] an offensive action on on a target >> just for everybody listening 47s are dual rotor helicopters >> yeah the shinooks the CH47s you know the big fat ones you know with a with a with a double thing sorry yeah but yeah so I was like okay these people are getting after it do you know what I felt in that deployment one they're [ __ ] helpless I felt helpless I was like it's [ __ ] running around in my fields [ __ ] watching people get blown off. It's like I wanted to affect it and the only place that I could affect it was what it felt like was to was to go on selection and join the squadron. How did you adjust your mindset from the from the beginning of that deployment to the end to deal with all that?
>> I didn't deal with it.
I just boxed it up. Just [ __ ] compartmentalize it. It's all I could do.
And it wasn't 10 years down the line, it [ __ ] blew up.
I got blown up again. Another suicide bomber in I was actually with um with C Squadron at the time >> from the unit. Yeah. From the unit.
Yeah. I was attached to them for a year and I remember getting blown up one night outside of a building watching my whole team basically just get [ __ ] >> whole building went on top of them. I was [ __ ] for sure everyone was dead.
Turns out that everyone survived. It was one of those [ __ ] pulp fiction moments, you know? I mean, we talk about that in a bit more detail later, but like that that blew the lid off the [ __ ] box basically. Like that after that I just unraveled slowly but surely unraveled to the point of Yeah.
to a [ __ ] dark place.
But for 10 years, I just didn't look.
Forgot about it. Just carried on. Just keep going. One more deployment. One more deployment. One more deployment.
Just keep putting in the box. Put it in the box. put it in a box. Box gets full, box breaks, I broke.
But um yeah, to answer your question, I didn't deal with it. I just [ __ ] carried on. What else got to do? Like I kept running. I kept running because I knew if I stopped and looked back, I wouldn't [ __ ] I'd never stop. Never start again, you know?
I came back from that deployment and it's like even even coming back on R&R man I went back to the the main patrol base and a dear friend of mine who I was in training with a recruit we were recruits together a guy called Rian everyone calls him Twe dead skinny guy he was a machine gunner he was a [ __ ] you know what I mean a good machine gunner I remember our patrol base you had to go back to the big base because that's where the helicopters were and that's how he flew back and went on R&R so I was out of my patrol base and into the big base, relieved as [ __ ] 4 months into the deployment, handed in all the [ __ ] necessary equipment. I've just got basic ammunition, my rifle, about to fly, and in 24 hours I'm home in the UK with my brand new daughter that I've [ __ ] spent 2 weeks with, right?
And they go out on patrol and we're sat in um the the sort of chow hall, which was a tent, and the first one goes off.
Boom. And you're like, "Yep, that's a [ __ ] IED." And then everyone's up.
QRF are out. [ __ ] whole place is going. And we're on RNR, so we've not really got a job to do at this point.
And I was with a couple of other guys and we were like, "Fuck it. Let's get our body armor on and get on the wall."
Everyone's on the wall now. Everyone's shooting from the wall. We're trying to provide fire support. About a couple of minutes later, boom, second one goes off. This was a joint patrol, US Marine Corps, um, and guys from Charlie Company. Um, and they went out. First ID struck command, uh, command wire. They waited for the guys to come in and try and recover the casualties and then they [ __ ] pulled the next one. So, we lost two guys that day, a US Marine, uh, and and a guy called Jonathan Krooks.
>> No matter where you're watching the Shawn Ryan show from. If you get anything out of this at all, anything, please like, comment, and subscribe. And most importantly, share this everywhere you possibly can. And if you're feeling extra generous, head to Apple Podcast and Spotify and leave us a review.
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