Raising An Adult Toddler: Extreme Immaturity In Narcissists

Hinzugefügt: 2026-05-07

[00:00:00]Not only are narcissistic people in a totally different reality than you are, they're often extremely antagonistic.

[00:00:05]For example, many narcissists are very very contrary. They seem to feel the need to argue every single thing that is said to them. Like a toddler just starting to individuate from their caregivers and assert their autonomy.

[00:00:19]Both toddlers and narcissists are using these contrary oppositional behaviors as a way to create boundaries, test limits, and establish a sense of self that feels distinct from other people. The difference is that while a toddler is on a healthy developmental track that is evolving, a narcissist is an adult stuck in an infantile space unable to mature.

[00:00:40]This results in the same thing happening over and over and over and over as they attempt to individuate from the influences of other people, but cannot do that because they don't have a stable sense of self and they're now unable to develop one. It's just endless ping-ponging back and forth.

[00:00:57]Understanding this is how you can keep your equilibrium in these situations because there is no stable ground to stand on, no reciprocal balanced dynamic that can be achieved. Narcissists do not show up in relationships as adults.

[00:01:10]Therefore, caretaking of them is often required in order to be around them or interact with them at all, but this is also resented by narcissists hugely. It results in a very stressful push-pull type of situation where no matter what you do, you're wrong. On one hand, narcissists expect you to manage and regulate their emotions, anticipate their needs, fulfill their needs, take responsibility for them, and do all the things that you do for small children when you are the adult caretaker. On the other hand, narcissists view you doing these things as attempt to control and or manipulate them. They resent their dependence on you enormously and they blame you for that. At the same time, they literally are dependent on you. So, if you refuse to do these things, they will punish you. They can't tolerate dependence or independence. They exist in a psychological limbo, desperate to function as an autonomous adult, but seeming unable to do so, requiring caretaking, but resenting it enormously, expecting to somehow be granted both the agency and power recognized in adults and the deference and the automatic lack of accountability given to children.

[00:02:19]It's a catch-22 that other people become trapped in created by a person who is neither an adult nor a child who wants something it is impossible for anybody to give them.

[00:02:29]For example, you can't be required to caretake somebody as if they are a child while at the same time interacting with them as if they're an adult. It's not possible. These are two completely incompatible realities. If someone has the agency and power of an adult, for example, they're held accountable for their actions, but this is what narcissists want. They want the power and the benefits that come with being an adult without any of the responsibility.

[00:02:53]This is like somebody who wants the ability to spend money and have money and buy whatever they want, but refuses to be held responsible for paying their own bills. It's like a toddler insisting they should be allowed to drive your car. It can't work like that. We can see this dynamic very clearly in the fact that narcissists believe they're entitled to engage in adult relationships and reap the benefits of adult relationships without showing up in these relationships the way that adults are required to show up. They simply believe they should be given what they want regardless of whether this is fair or not.

[00:03:26]As an aside, people often ask if whenever we say these kinds of things, are we saying that narcissists don't deserve love or that they're not, quote, entitled to love. Whether narcissists are entitled to love or not is not up to us to decide. What we're saying here is that if they cannot show up the way that adults show up in adult relationships, then no one is required to simply provide these to them just because they want them. So, just to be clear about that.

[00:03:54]Narcissists do not seem to have developed an adult sense of fairness.

[00:03:58]Adults understand cause and effect. They understand how their actions come across to other people. Healthy adults understand that above all, fairness doesn't just mean fair to them because healthy adults understand that they're not the only person who matters here.

[00:04:12]They're not the only people who are affected. Example of this would be things like if I don't show up for work, my boss has a reason to fire me. If I lie to or steal from other people, they have a reason not to trust me. If I mistreat other people, they have a reason not to want me around. It also includes things like if I'm mean or rude to somebody, they are likely to be mean or rude back. The way I interact with people affects how they perceive me.

[00:04:38]Behaving in ways that other people don't like will make them dislike me. My actions may impact other people in ways that I cannot see or understand or know or predict.

[00:04:49]For narcissists, fairness just means they get what they want. There's no deeper understanding of fairness as a social construct, a social contract that needs to account for multiple viewpoints and the greater good of all the people involved. It's a one that we see with very small children. For narcissists, if they don't get exactly what they want when they want it, it's unfair, period.

[00:05:13]Understanding this makes navigating these situations less stressful because while it won't make the interaction or the narcissist any more fair, it helps you temper your expectations, create better boundaries, and pick your battles. This might not sound like much, but in these situations, it makes a huge difference.