The Shocking Truth About Women Has Been Revealed – Schopenhauer

[00:00:10]Have you ever wondered why losing someone can feel like losing a part of yourself? Even when deep down you barely knew who they really were. Not the person who sat across from you at dinner, not the voice on the phone at midnight, but the image you built of them inside your own mind. That question sounds simple, almost naive, but if you sit with it honestly, you'll uncover something uncomfortable. Most of what we call love does not come from a free conscious decision. It comes from a mechanism far older than you, older than me, older than any love story you've ever lived through. A mechanism that was never designed to make you happy. It was designed to make sure the species keeps existing. And today we're going to take that mechanism apart piece by piece so that the next time you feel that lurch in your stomach, that ache in your chest, you'll know exactly what's happening to you. And more importantly, you'll know what to do about it. Stay until the end because what follows isn't another motivational pep talk. It's a different way of looking at desire, at idealization, at emotional dependency built on philosophy, on psychology, and on patterns you've probably already sensed but never had the words for.

[00:01:24]Let's start with something almost nobody wants to hear. You believe you choose who you love, but very often, biology chooses for you. The philosopher Arthur Schopenhau called this the genius of the species. An invisible force that uses your individual will like a puppet pulling the strings toward a goal you're not even consciously aware of. The continuation of life itself. According to this view, when you believe you're falling for a specific person, your organism is quietly running calculations in the background, evaluating signs of health, fertility, stability, safety, none of which you're actively thinking about. The attraction, the anxious excitement of early text messages, the way you can't stop thinking about someone before falling asleep, none of that is purely spontaneous emotion. It's the output of a system that has been running for thousands of generations. A system that doesn't ask whether this is good for you. It only asks whether it serves continuation. This doesn't mean love is fake. And it doesn't mean it isn't worth feeling. It means it deserves to be looked at with open eyes instead of surrendered to blindly as if it were pure magic with no mechanics underneath. Because once you understand that part of what you feel is following an ancient biological script, you stop believing your entire identity depends on whether that one person reciprocates.

[00:02:49]And that's where real freedom begins.

[00:02:51]But there's a second layer, even deeper, that explains why heartbreak hurts as much as it does. We don't usually fall in love with the person standing in front of us. We fall in love with what we project onto them. Carl Young spoke of an unconscious dimension we all carry, a hidden part of the psyche we unknowingly try to complete through another person. When you meet someone and feel that instant spark, that overwhelming sense of having found your other half, what you're often seeing is a mirror. You're projecting your childhood wounds, your need to feel secure, your fantasy of no longer being alone, your ideal of perfection shaped by years of films, songs, and social expectations. And that mirror shines so brightly that you confuse the reflection with the actual real flawed human being standing in front of you. This explains something that has probably happened to you before. You idealize someone for weeks, sometimes months, absolutely convinced they're exactly what you needed, and then slowly cracks start to appear. It isn't that the person suddenly changed. It's that the fog of projection lifted and you began to see an actual human being, full of contradictions, full of flaws, living a life that doesn't revolve around you.

[00:04:06]When that happens, a lot of people feel betrayed, as if they'd been deceived.

[00:04:11]But the truth is far less comfortable than that. Nobody deceived you. You built a perfect statue in your mind and then felt shocked to discover it was made of ordinary clay like everyone else. Here's another phenomenon. almost cruel in its logic. Desire tends to fade exactly when something that once felt impossible to obtain becomes familiar and easy to reach. Think about any goal you've pursued intensely. A job, a house, even a material object you saved up for. While it stayed out of reach, it occupied your mind constantly. The moment you finally got it, the thrill lasted a few days, maybe a few weeks, and then it simply folded into your routine as if it had always been there.

[00:04:55]Something similar happens in relationships, even though we hate admitting it. Uncertainty, the tension of not knowing whether the other person feels the same way, the small risk of losing them, all of that fuels a part of the brain tied to the anticipation of reward, not the reward itself. When that uncertainty disappears because the relationship becomes stable, that circuit stops firing with the same intensity. And a lot of people mistake that calm for the death of love when in reality it simply changed shape.

[00:05:26]Understanding this is liberating because it frees you from needing chaos and drama to feel like something is real. A calm relationship isn't a boring relationship and it isn't a doomed one either. It's a relationship that has moved past the hunting phase and entered a quieter one. One that demands a different kind of maturity. The ability to build intimacy without needing constant emotional spikes just to feel alive. Now, let's talk about something that tends to spark controversy the moment it's said out loud, but deserves a calm, careful look instead of sweeping generalizations. There's a massive difference between being a kind person and being a person who is starving for approval. Genuine kindness expects nothing in return. But when someone says yes to everything, constantly cancels their own plans, avoids expressing disagreement out of fear of conflict, and needs external validation just to feel okay, that isn't kindness anymore.

[00:06:22]That's dependency. And dependency, no matter how well it disguises itself as generosity, usually produces the opposite of what it's chasing. Instead of pulling people closer, it pushes them away. Instead of inspiring admiration, it quietly breeds pity or worse, silent disrespect. This happens because regardless of gender, human beings tend to value what feels scarce, secure, and self-sufficient and devalue what feels constantly available, and desperate to please. This isn't some magical formula or a manipulation tactic. It's an observable psychological pattern. When someone has their own life, clear goals, defined boundaries, and doesn't depend emotionally on someone else's approval to feel stable, they radiate a kind of steadiness that feels attractive almost instinctively. On the other hand, when someone turns another person into the absolute center of their existence, that other person starts to feel the weight of that dependency, even if they can't always explain why it feels suffocating.

[00:07:26]Here, it's worth pausing because it's easy to twist this idea into something toxic. Setting boundaries, having your own purpose, and not depending emotionally on someone else doesn't mean playing games, calculating every move, or treating love like a battlefield strategy. It simply means not abandoning your identity the moment you enter a relationship. You can love deeply and still remain yourself. You can give yourself fully and at the same time keep your schedule, your friendships, your goals, your own way of thinking.

[00:07:59]Emotional independence isn't indifference. It's the ability to be fully present without disappearing into someone else. Now, there's a relational pattern worth learning to recognize because it can show up in any kind of bond regardless of who's doing it. using silence, guilt, emotional confusion, or tears as a tool of control rather than as a genuine expression of feeling. This isn't exclusive to one gender or the other. Anyone, man or woman, can learn, often without being fully aware of it.

[00:08:33]to use these strategies to get what they want inside a relationship. Shutting down an uncomfortable conversation with silence, generating guilt to dodge a fair complaint, exaggerating a wound to deflect responsibility. Recognizing these patterns isn't about labeling anyone a villain. It's about protecting yourself from dynamics that quietly erode your self-worth, piece by piece, often without you even noticing it happening. The key to avoiding these dynamics isn't becoming cold or suspicious of everyone around you. It's learning to tell the difference between an authentic emotion and a repeated strategy that consistently benefits the same person at the other person's expense. If after every conflict, you're the one apologizing even when you weren't wrong. If you feel like your emotions matter less than the other person's, if every time you try to set a boundary, you end up feeling guilty for having done it, that's worth paying attention to, no matter who's on the other side of that relationship. Here's another idea that's uncomfortable but necessary. Recognizing how romantic culture has trained us since childhood through movies, songs, and stories to believe that love means sacrificing yourself without limit. We were taught that enduring mistreatment is proof of true love. That chasing someone who's pulling away is a romantic gesture. That giving up your own dreams for another person is a noble act. This narrative has shaped generations of people willing to tolerate empty, silent, even damaging relationships out of fear of ending up alone. And here lies one of the most painful paradoxes of all. The more afraid you are of solitude, the easier it becomes for someone, consciously or not, to take advantage of that need.

[00:10:19]That's why real transformation doesn't come from memorizing clever lines or learning tricks to appear more attractive. It comes from refusing to make another person's approval the central goal of your existence. It comes from building a life worth living, whether that relationship exists or not.

[00:10:37]And that gets built through several concrete pillars, not empty promises.

[00:10:41]The first pillar is personal purpose. A person without direction tends to fill that emptiness by obsessing over someone else, turning every message, every silence, every small gesture from the other person into the center of their entire day. When you have a purpose of your own, whether that's a professional project, an artistic discipline, a physical or intellectual goal, that purpose absorbs a chunk of mental energy that would otherwise be completely available for obsession. This isn't about staying busy to distract yourself.

[00:11:14]It's about building something that gives your life meaning even when no one is watching. The second pillar is practical and financial independence. This isn't only about money. It's about the ability to sustain yourself without depending on someone else for your basic stability.

[00:11:31]When a person needs another human being, not just emotionally, but materially, the relationship stops being a free choice and starts becoming to some degree a matter of survival. And decisions made from a place of necessity are rarely healthy decisions. The third pillar is intellectual and philosophical growth. Reading, questioning, understanding how your own mind works gives you tools so you're not swept away by every intense emotion as if it were absolute truth. When you understand concepts like projection, idealization, or the mechanics of dopamine behind desire, you stop living your emotions like an uncontrollable storm and start observing them with a bit of distance.

[00:12:14]That distance doesn't erase the feeling, but it gives you the power to choose how you respond to it. The fourth pillar is physical discipline. Taking care of your body, moving, training, sleeping well isn't some shallow aesthetic obsession.

[00:12:28]It's a direct way of telling your own brain that your well-being matters, regardless of what's happening in your love life. People who completely abandon their physical health during a breakup or an emotional crisis often notice how that neglect worsens their mental state, too, creating a loop that becomes incredibly difficult to break without conscious intervention. The fifth pillar is self-awareness. Asking yourself why you're drawn to certain patterns, why you keep repeating the same mistakes across different relationships, why you tolerate certain behaviors, isn't an exercise in self-punishment. It's an exercise in understanding. Often, without realizing it, we search in adult love for what we were missing in childhood. Attention, stability, recognition. And if you don't identify that pattern, you'll keep repeating it with different people, expecting different results. The sixth pillar is emotional boundaries. Learning to say no, to express disagreement without fear. To communicate when something bothers you doesn't destroy a healthy relationship, it strengthens it. It only destroys the relationships that were quietly depending on your silence to survive. The seventh and final pillar is the ability to walk away from what's hurting you. even when it hurts to do it. Staying out of habit, out of fear of starting over, out of the illusion that things will magically improve on their own usually just stretches out a suffering you'll have to face eventually. Anyway, when these seven pillars start holding up your life, something interesting happens. You stop desperately needing a relationship to feel whole. And precisely because of that, you start building healthier connections because now you're arriving at love from a place of abundance.

[00:14:13]instead of a place of lack. A partner in that context stops being the solution to your emptiness and becomes a compliment to a life that already had meaning before that person walked into it. Being emotionally self-sufficient doesn't mean you stop feeling things. It doesn't mean becoming numb to rejection, loss, or heartbreak. It means being able to move through those experiences, without being completely destroyed by them, without abandoning your dignity in the process, without turning into someone unrecognizable, just to keep another person by your side. Let's slow down for a moment and look at how this plays out in real life. Because theory only means something once you can see it in action.

[00:14:56]Imagine someone who spends months talking to a person they met online, building an entire emotional world around a handful of messages and a few video calls. The less that person responds, the more this individual thinks about them, checking their phone constantly, rereading old conversations, analyzing tone, searching for hidden meaning in a single punctuation mark.

[00:15:18]This isn't love. It's the brain chasing an unpredictable reward. The exact same mechanism that keeps people hooked on slot machines, refreshing an app, waiting for a notification that might never come. The uncertainty itself becomes the addiction, not the person.

[00:15:35]Now imagine the opposite scenario.

[00:15:38]Someone who has built a stable routine, who trains regularly, who has a handful of close friends, who's working towards something they actually care about, who reads before bed instead of scrolling.

[00:15:50]When that person meets someone new, they can enjoy the connection without needing it to fill every empty hour of their day. If the other person doesn't respond right away, it doesn't spiral into anxiety because their sense of worth isn't sitting in someone else's inbox.

[00:16:06]That difference isn't about having a better personality or being naturally more secure. It's about structure. It's about having built a life sturdy enough that no single relationship can knock it over. This is where the conversation about attraction gets interesting because attraction in nearly every study on human behavior tends to follow patterns of perceived security and self-sufficiency rather than patterns of desperation or excessive availability.

[00:16:34]Think about it in a broader context outside romance entirely. We admire people who don't need external validation to keep walking their own path. We respect someone who can say no even when saying yes would be easier.

[00:16:48]We're drawn to stability, not because stability is exciting in the traditional sense, but because it signals safety.

[00:16:55]And safety at a very old, very primitive level still matters enormously to how the human brain evaluates who's worth investing energy into. None of this means you should manipulate anyone or pretend to be someone you're not in order to appear more desirable. That approach eventually collapses because it's built on performance rather than substance. What actually works consistently over time is becoming genuinely secure instead of performing security. There's a difference between faking indifference to manipulate someone's interest and genuinely not needing that person's validation because your life already has weight and direction on its own. The first is a strategy that eventually falls apart.

[00:17:37]The second is simply who you've become.

[00:17:39]Let's talk for a moment about grief because heartbreak at its core is a form of grief. And grief follows patterns that neuroscience has studied extensively. When a relationship ends, especially one that felt significant, the brain doesn't just process the emotional loss. It also goes through something close to withdrawal. Studies using brain imaging have shown that the areas activated by romantic rejection overlap significantly with the areas activated by physical pain and by substance withdrawal. This isn't an exaggeration or a poetic metaphor. On a neurological level, losing someone you were emotionally attached to can genuinely hurt in a way that resembles physical pain, and it can trigger cravings similar to the ones experienced by someone quitting a habit forming substance. Knowing this changes how you should treat yourself during a breakup.

[00:18:32]You wouldn't tell someone going through withdrawal to just get over it in a day.

[00:18:36]You'd expect it to take time. You'd expect setbacks. You'd expect moments where the craving resurfaces out of nowhere, triggered by a song, a smell, a street corner. Heartbreak deserves the same patience. The goal isn't to suppress the pain or pretend it doesn't exist. The goal is to let it move through you without letting it convince you to make decisions that set you back.

[00:18:59]Like reaching out at 3:00 in the morning, like checking their social media obsessively, like convincing yourself that going back, even though nothing has actually changed, will somehow fix what fell apart. There's a particular kind of trap worth mentioning here because it catches so many people offguard. It's the trap of confusing intensity with compatibility. Some relationships feel enormous, consuming, almost cinematic in how dramatic they are, full of breakups and reconciliations, jealousy, tears, grand gestures, and because it feels so intense, people assume it must be love at its most powerful. But intensity isn't the same as health. Often, what feels like undeniable chemistry is actually two nervous systems locked into a cycle of anxious attachment. each person's instability feeding the others, mistaking the adrenaline of uncertainty for the depth of genuine connection.

[00:19:54]Real intimacy, the kind that actually lasts, tends to feel calmer than people expect. It feels like safety, not like a roller coaster. And because our culture has spent decades glorifying chaos as the ultimate proof of passion, a lot of people walk away from calm, stable relationships, convinced they weren't in love enough, when in reality, they had simply never experienced what secure love actually feels like before. [music] This brings us back to something we touched on earlier. The idea that our environment shapes our expectations more than we realize. If you grew up watching relationships defined by unpredictability, if stability wasn't something you witnessed modeled around you, calm might genuinely feel unfamiliar, even uncomfortable at first.

[00:20:41]Some people mistake peace for boredom [music] simply because their nervous system was never taught to recognize peace as safe. Recognizing this in yourself isn't a life sentence. It's simply information. And information is the first step toward rewriting an old pattern. Let's go back to Schopenhau for a moment because his philosophy, as dark as it can feel, offers something valuable when it comes to desire itself.

[00:21:06]Not just romantic desire, but desire in general. He argued that human life oscillates constantly between suffering caused by unmet desire and boredom caused by desire that's already been satisfied. In other words, wanting something hurts because you don't have it yet. and having it eventually leads to a kind of emptiness because the wanting itself, the thing that gave your day's momentum, disappears. This applies brutally well to modern romantic life.

[00:21:35]The chase feels alive because you're wanting. The stability feels flat at first because the wanting has been replaced by having. But here's where Schopenhau's pessimism can be gently corrected by a more grounded psychological view. Satisfaction doesn't have to collapse into emptiness if you learn to find meaning in depth instead of novelty. Long-term relationships that thrive usually do so because both people learn to generate new layers of connection over time, shared projects, evolving conversations, new experiences together instead of relying purely on the initial thrill of uncertainty to keep the spark alive. This is worth remembering the next time a relationship starts feeling too easy and your mind starts whispering that something must be missing. Sometimes what's missing isn't excitement. What's missing is your own effort to keep growing individually and together instead of expecting the relationship to manufacture drama on its own just to keep your attention. Now, here's something crucial that deserves to be said clearly because this entire conversation can easily be misunderstood as an invitation toward coldness, distrust, or emotional withholding as some kind of strategy. That is not the point. Understanding the biological, psychological, and cultural mechanics behind attraction and love isn't a manual for manipulation. It's a map for self-respect. The goal was never to teach you how to make someone want you more by pretending not to care. The goal is to help you build a version of yourself so grounded, so purposeful, so emotionally whole that you naturally stop attracting relationships built on anxiety, chasing, or fear of loss and start attracting and choosing relationships built on mutual respect, calm, and genuine partnership. There's also something worth saying about self-compassion here because a lot of people who go through painful relationships end up being incredibly harsh on themselves afterward. They replay every mistake, every red flag they ignored, every moment they gave more than they received, and they turn all of it into evidence that they're somehow broken or unworthy of a healthy love. But understanding these mechanisms, the biology, the projection, the dopamine, the cultural conditioning should do the opposite. It should help you see that you weren't naive or foolish. You were a human being running on systems that every other human being on this planet is also running on.

[00:24:07]Systems that evolved over an unimaginably long timeline. Long before anyone understood psychology. long before anyone had language for concepts like attachment styles or emotional regulation. Forgiving yourself for having been swept up by mechanisms this old and this powerful isn't weakness.

[00:24:26]It's simply accuracy. So where does that leave you exactly after everything we've talked about today? It leaves you with a choice. one that quietly repeats itself every single day in small moments most people never even notice they're making decisions in the choice between chasing external validation and building internal stability. The choice between idealizing a fantasy and learning to see people including yourself exactly as they are. The choice between staying somewhere out of fear and leaving somewhere out of self-respect. The choice between living your emotional life on autopilot, reacting to every wave of dopamine and anxiety as if it were destiny, or pausing even for a few seconds to ask yourself what's actually happening underneath the feeling. None of this means you'll stop feeling deeply. None of this means love will suddenly become simple or predictable.

[00:25:21]Love by its very nature will probably always carry a certain amount of risk of vulnerability of not knowing exactly how things will turn out. But there's a profound difference between entering that uncertainty from a place of wholeness and stumbling into it from a place of emptiness, hoping another person will hand you an identity you never built for yourself. The real question was never whether you'll love again. If you stay alive long enough, that's almost inevitable. The real question is whether you'll love from a place of fullness, standing on a foundation you built yourself, purpose, discipline, self-awareness, boundaries, the capacity to walk away when something is hurting you, or whether you'll keep searching in someone else for the very things only you have the power to give yourself. That decision, even in your darkest, most desperate moments, has always belonged to you. And it still does. If you made it to the end of this video, comment, "I've arrived and I'll personally reply." And if it resonated with you, subscribe to become part of it and like it if you enjoyed it.