The Horror Behind Steroid-Induced Psychosis

[00:00:11][music] [music] Welcome to the world of tales from the I always grew up blind, ignorant, and foolish and just lived in a pretty shell. I was dating a girl in high school and long story short, just not too important, I had an allergic reaction weeks before entering my first year of college. I went to an emergency clinic and was told, "Holy [ __ ] this is the worst reaction I've ever seen and pumped my ass with a shot of steroids."

[00:01:14]Then I also got prescribed prednazone, a steroid as well, which was supposed to stop my reaction.

[00:01:22]Well, I was prescribed 60 mg a day for 1 week, then 40 millig a day for 5 days, and then 20 millig a day for like 2 to 3 days. Little did I know then 60 mg a day is the max dosage plus for a week. There were a lot of steroids in me, plus the injection up my ass.

[00:01:45]I took it for one day and felt fine. My reaction started to go away and I looked human again. I planned a trip with my brother and a few friends to go up to the mountains and bull out before I go out to college. So the second day while my friends and I set out to drive to the mountain, my chest was hurting like it was super tight and it didn't feel right. But I ignored it and I thought it would pass as I was just excited for my trip. Mind you, I've had anxiety since like 8th grade, but really began to get serious panic attacks and really dark thoughts in 12th grade. Like really dark thoughts. But I went to counseling for that and came out a lot better.

[00:02:28]On our way to the mountain, my heart began just beating and I could tell something wasn't right. Like it felt like life wasn't right. I still haven't found the right way to describe it yet.

[00:02:39]But I didn't want to be a party pooper, so I kept my chin up. It eventually subdued a little and we got there late at night, so I went to sleep.

[00:02:49]The next morning, we went to a cabin for pancakes. And this is when the horror began. This is when every way I thought and the way I can introspect changed. We decided to smoke a little herb. And this was pretty much my first time getting high. smoked two times before and I didn't really feel much, just passed out. But this time, I felt something.

[00:03:13]Immediately, my vision was slow and blurred, as expected, being high for the first time. And when we went inside, I kept holding my breath and freaking out, which again seemed normal. My friends who were more experienced were getting a kick out of my reaction. And when the food comes, I began screaming. I'm swallowing my teeth and my tongue and start crying nearly. Mind you, there are probably a hundred people in this restaurant. It was packed and big. My brother and friends are dying laughing.

[00:03:45]And in my head, I thought I was going to die and I lost my teeth and tongue.

[00:03:51]After that, I just drank water and sat quietly and my mind began to feel like another person. It was me, but another person. I don't know how to describe it exactly.

[00:04:04]After that, we went outside and chilled on some rocking chairs and boom, my brain changed again. Everything turned black and white and the wood grain felt like it was moving and I was just so deep in my head. I can't tell you what I was thinking about. No idea. I was stuck in that position looking at the wood for probably 15 minutes. didn't move at all.

[00:04:29]At that point, my friends were actually trying to grab my attention for a few minutes. I just had no idea. I had to take the predinazone because, well, medicine. At this point, no one suspected the medicine could have been a factor in anything. So, we decided to go for a hike. And as my high wore off, I calmed down and felt better. But my chest began hurting like I couldn't breathe. It felt really tight. I again really just brushed it off thinking it'll pass. I enjoyed the rest of the day. Just felt something was off or wrong. The same feeling I mentioned previously.

[00:05:07]Fast forward to the end of the day and all of a sudden something was really wrong. I was stuck in this haze like I was still high but not. And it was weird. I tell my friends I'm going to lay down in bed and catch up with them after I rest for a little bit.

[00:05:24]I laid down in bed feeling like [ __ ] Hearts racing, chest is like so tight, like my diaphragm felt closed. It hurt to breathe. And in most cases, a smart person would tell someone and/or call an ambulance or take me to a hospital. But no, I just laid there. I laid there and closed my eyes listening to some music.

[00:05:46]And next thing I know, I was out.

[00:05:50]Probably 20 to 30 minutes later, I wake up and I didn't like the song playing, so I was going to pick up my phone to hit fast forward or whatever, but my eyes are open and I'm up looking at the ceiling.

[00:06:03]I can't move. My body is frozen. I feel nothing at all. It's like I was just in my body staring up. I go to scream and yell for my brother and friends. My mouth doesn't open. I can't produce sound. All of a sudden, I start floating back, looking at what I'm seeing, the ceiling, like I'm in a movie theater.

[00:06:27]For anyone here who's seen Get Out, where he starts floating back, that is exactly what it was like. All of a sudden, I'm hovering directly over my body. I see my body like I'm outside my body, looking at me, laying in my bed, eyes open and frozen. My mind feels like it's crying and screeching, and I felt so lost. I just wanted to feel normal again, be back in my body, and stop this nightmare. I don't know. This was really [ __ ] scary. And the more and more I reach for my body, I just couldn't. Time isn't a thing right now. Like, I can't say whether 5 minutes passed or 2 hours.

[00:07:10]At one point, I just accepted that I was dead, that my life is over, and it's time to give up and shut my eyes. So, I pretty much gave up, accepted that I'm gone, and closed my eyes.

[00:07:24]The next morning, I opened them and I was more than scared, but surprised I was alive. But my mind was different. I was thinking like crazy. Everything was distinct, vivid, raw. I couldn't describe it. I was a different person.

[00:07:42]It's crazy how this was only day one of the craziness and horror, though. It only gets more intense and different from here. I wish I had the words to describe it, but it felt almost abstract and a raw anim animalistic feeling, instinctual.

[00:08:02]So, in the last part, I left off talking about how before I went to sleep on my first day of going pretty much insane, I had an out-of- body experience and forcing myself to give up on life.

[00:08:16]The next day, as I wake up, my friends and brother asked if I was good and horrified to respond with what happened, I said, "Yeah." And in all honesty, I was feeling pretty normal in the morning besides still feeling like something was different.

[00:08:33]The plan that day was to go kaying in the river and enjoying that. But in my last post, I mentioned how I had an allergic reaction. While the most probable cause of the reaction was something in the water of a lake I went to, so I opted out of kayaking and I would just chill.

[00:08:52]As soon as I drop them off at the kayaking spot, I'm in my car and my chest tightens again and it feels like it's burning. My heart's also pounding.

[00:09:02]And when I say it's pounding, I don't feel nervous or anxious. I just feel my heart beating hard. So, I decided to go to an urgent clinic nearby to check it out while I had the time.

[00:09:15]As I am driving on the highway, all of a sudden on the road appear 2D graffiti looking monsters and I'm honestly not even tripping. I tell myself, "What the [ __ ] That's impossible." I keep driving straight, more confused than anything. I go to take the exit and this is when life froze and nothing yet everything felt real. As I am taking the ramp, my then girlfriend runs in front of my car.

[00:09:46]Now, the fact is during that time, my girlfriend was roughly 1,700 m away, but I didn't keep my cool that time. I was going too fast to stop, and she was way too close, and I pretty much just drove through her. After that, I was freaking out, hyperventilating.

[00:10:04]Luckily, the clinic was right off the exit.

[00:10:08]I go in and long story short, she's saying I'm tripping balls and I could be having side effects from the steroids.

[00:10:16]And by this time, most of my reaction was gone anyways. So, she said to start tapering them off faster. Why did this lady let me drive a motor vehicle after this? I'm not sure, but she let me go and she said to really just focus on breathing when the thoughts and visions get intense. [music] I drive back to pick up my friends and brother and pretty much tell them, "Yeah, I'm hallucinating." After that, the rest of the day was fine. I felt a darkness, but I felt strong. The next day, the last day of my trip with friends, we grabbed lunch before we part ways. But the whole time I sat stuck cycling through carnal feelings like raw sadness, raw anger, raw happiness, raw jealousy, etc. Just kept cycling through it. It was ironic because we were eating at Mellow Mushroom and it was just so raw, just pure feelings I couldn't escape. I was not good. We looked it up more about predinazone side effects and looked at the dosage and stuff and came to the conclusion that yeah, I was having a steroid induced psychosis.

[00:11:27][music] All of a sudden, I felt like I had the power of an animal, like I knew emotions and kind of become really dark because of how existential it felt. I used to write some poetry before and I began to jot thoughts and the darkness that was over me in my head. It began to really show. I was writing some deep dark poetry layers I never knew I could get into. I articulated rawness almost as if my state of logic was gone and my true intention was bare and naked. [music] Luckily, my friends lived near me. So, one of them drove me back in my car and I passed out in the back and I left for college 2 days later. Besides the constant lingering state of feeling different or off, the tight chest and burning sensation, I felt fine for those two days. I didn't see anything crazy, just off and tired. But, I mean, hey, I was super excited to get to college, so maybe that kept me in check. Little did I know that this trip was just the beginning of what my mind produced and felt.

[00:12:40][music] So, my family and I arrived 2 days to actually move in to buy my stuff for college. But as soon as my anxiety kicked in once we started landing, the darkness and the full emotion entered my mind again. Heart beating and chest was tightening. I couldn't sleep for a couple nights. I was straight awake for probably 2 days. [snorts] I couldn't talk to my parents about it or they would 100% title me a psycho andor brush it off.

[00:13:13]But this is when my episodes of anger began. My true animalistic hunger. I felt raw anger and hate. The first time this happened was late at night and I forgot my key to my room. So, I went to the front to request a new key and all I had was my phone. The desk worker asked me for my ID and boom, all of a sudden I flipped.

[00:13:38]I was immediately consumed by this rage and heat. I yelled at him and I honestly don't remember it. When I had these episodes, I never remembered what happened during them, which was really scary. It's like I black out. Then I'm assuming 30 seconds to a minute later, I'm just standing in the lobby, people staring at me, and I have no recollection of what even happened or where time went.

[00:14:07]The next time it happened was while I was at Target getting my stuff, and I got in an argument with my mom, but I wouldn't even call it an argument, but I got again filled with this anger and snapped. I felt like I was losing my mind. I was just so mad.

[00:14:24]Now I began to get really scared.

[00:14:28]The next few days were fine. I tried to keep my cool by focusing on my breathing and I moved into college and my parents were gone. Now I'm in a tiny ass dorm with pretty much a stranger while I'm mentally having a psychosis where I'm snapping any second. Go me.

[00:14:47]Now, my girlfriend is already here in college, and the excitement of seeing her after 2 weeks was what kept me in good spirits. However, she didn't know about the psychosis or what I was really going through. Why? Well, she was rushing and making new friends, so I didn't want to drop a hey, I'm going kind of crazy bomb while she was doing that.

[00:15:09]>> [music] >> So, a couple nights after I moved in, we were facetiming and I was really trying to see when me and her can hang out or grab some food. Nothing lengthy, nothing special because I did want to give her some space to make her friends. I was trying for 2 to 3 days and then she said, "Yeah, tomorrow when we were facetiming, but then realized she had something and said she couldn't." I was feeling like I was at the top and after that I fell into a pit of emotions. I had another episode.

[00:15:44]A few minutes later, I come back to reality and her face was horrified and scared. I asked what happened and all she said was, "I just got really mad out of nowhere." And I asked what I said. I was scared that I may have said something I wouldn't have meant. She said, "It doesn't matter and it's fine."

[00:16:04]And I still don't know to this day what I said, but I partly blame it for the eventual breakup.

[00:16:12]The timeline for me is getting a little blurry. So these next events can be the same day or out of order or correct, but it's not too important.

[00:16:22]So eventually we meet for lunch and I immediately dropped the load of well what was happening to me. thinking I would have support and care from someone I've been dating for a year and is the only person I know at this university. I hear a wow. Honestly, this is a lot for me. It's going to take me some time to soak this in. Gave me a side hug and left. I wasn't even mad at this point. I felt shattered. We still texted like normal though.

[00:16:53]Then the first day of classes comes and she said she met this guy in her class who was super cool. And obviously she was just trying to tease and make me jealous. But that got me feeling some type of way. It was irrational for me to feel this mainly because this dude was gay. She told me that. But hey, I'm [ __ ] up. She sent a text. I don't know anymore. And I was playing a game on my phone and I did not like that text. All my anger came out like a pressure cooker releasing steam. I took my phone and slammed it to the ground. And as soon as it hit the ground, the episode ended. I go to pick up my phone and completely shattered it to pieces. [ __ ] Luckily, I had a Mac and an iPhone so I could text from my Mac. I just told people I dropped it while going down the stairs.

[00:17:48]Now I'm really losing it. I felt these pulsating waves building up throughout time more and more often as the days passed. And it would all come out and put me in an episode. Each day, each time more intense and longer than the last. I went crazy. I went twisted. I got dark. I gave up on trying to control this animal inside.

[00:18:13][music] One day, my school was holding a social event to meet others and whatever. So I go and approach these two girls to hang out with and get to know. One was a writer and I was getting deep into poetry and writing lyrics because now I knew how to get it out. So it was nice to talk about writing and sorts. They invited me back to their dorm and I said sure and it was the same dorm my girlfriend lived in. We hung out and everything and then I decided to see my girlfriend. My heart all of a sudden began beating hard. My chest tightened and it was hard to breathe. At one point it was just me and my girlfriend. I broke down, got sad, got mad. And she told me, "This is too much for me. You need to get help." And I inside lost it, thinking, "Bitch, I'm the only one [ __ ] going crazy, and you're saying it's too much for you. Think about me."

[00:19:08]But I said, "Yeah, I'll get help if it means we can work it out."

[00:19:14]For three to four days, I tried to avoid talking about it and how I'm feeling and what I'm going through. But the fourth day, me and a new friend of mine were going to the rec center. But then I completely lose it walking there. My vision was slow and blurry. I couldn't think straight. Just voices screaming and crying in my head. I said I had to go and I disappeared. Now, I can't tell you what happened for the next 2 hours.

[00:19:42]This was my longest episode. It was afternoon one second and dark at night the next. I'm somewhere just sitting next to a parking garage talking to my brother and felt so cold and alone like an abandoned animal. I wanted love, a hug. I text my girlfriend. She is still the only close person I knew, saying I really needed a hug, but no, she was out busy.

[00:20:09]I'm empty at this point. Not sad, not mad, but empty. I go back to my dorm and sleep. I hope y'all enjoyed this. Have a great day, y'all. We have the power to get through anything. There's [snorts] always light, no matter the darkness.

[00:20:33]Now, OP said he was going to do a part four, but that was years ago, and he's never made one. But the [clears throat] latest comment he did was talking about how his steroid induced psychosis was put to his music. And there's a comment saying, "I was wondering what happened to you. Welcome back." And OP said, "Yeah, sorry. I've been traveling and got busy with work and school. Started been everywhere, but thank you. Love looking through all the art on this subreddit. All beautiful." And then someone else commented, "How are you now? Do you still have issues?" and he didn't respond after that and his comment was from 5 years ago and the person underneath that was from two years ago. So, I'm hoping he got better, but I don't know. I think the story still means a lot here and I think it's very impactful and that's why I wanted to read it. If there is a part for anytime soon, which I don't know, I will have it uploaded. But after [clears throat] that, there's nothing.

[00:21:34]So just best wishes to the time. [music] [music] >> [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] [music]